How to Create a Trial Separation That Doesn’t Suck

Hello.. I am from Ohio and me and my husband are not legally separated. I am willing to go to counseling and make things work,but he is unsure rather he wants to make things work or even unsure about our marriage. He also don’t want to go to counseling because he feels it’s not going to help his thinking. I’ve never cheated on him but he says I haven’t been supporting him as a wife. We’ve been married going on three years;together for five. He believes he is single and is able to do what he wants. He is now sleeping with a girl that I felt was a problem from the beginning when he was calling her “friend”. I am not sure what to do or how to act towards him.

Hello. Great article. I’ve been married for 10 years not. My husband suffers from PTSD from his time in the Marines and we’ve always worked through it. We have an amazing 4 yr old and I’m due any day now with our second. Two years ago I caught him cheating with his boss. He broke it off immediately and sought help. I forgave him and we moved on. Two years later, and with baby #2 almost here, we’re back where we started. I’m so torn: I have a young child who adores his dad and a newborn on the way and I know my husband’s issues stem from his time in the service. But at some point I need to stand up for myself too and not be so co-dependent. I’m always looking for a reason to stay: the baby, the house, his service, but I fear I’m just delaying the inevitable and that I’m the only one trying. Help.

I have a chronic illness. My husband is an airline pilot. We have two grown children that are married and one 14 yr old daughter that we adopted at birth. I have been sick my entire life with a rare genetic illness that is progressive. A year ago I found out that my husband was having a three year affair. It was during the three sickest years of my life. I was unable to parent or be a wife like I should have. My youngest resents me because I wasn’t there for her and now she resents me because I am because I am the stricter parent. Her dad gives her anything she wants and let’s her do anything she wants. I forgave my husband for the affair simply because I felt like it was my fault. I know my poor health has affected everyone in my family and in a negative way. My youngest openly defies me and my husband does nothing. He constantly undermines me as her mother and she takes full advantage of that. She has told me to my face that she doesn’t like me. She loves me because I’m her mother but she doesn’t like me as a person. She wishes she could only live with her dad. At this moment I am seriously considering a divorce but there are so many problems to achieve that. Because my husband is a pilot, he is gone four days a week so our daughter would have no choice but to live with me during those days. So I can only imagine how she would be with me. Also because of my poor health, I can’t work so my finances are limited to child support and disability. Indiana is a no fault divorce state so no alimony. I will be honest and say that if I could survive without being married then I would. I’m always at fault for anything bad in our family because of my poor health and I’m tired of the resentment over something I can’t control. But I also know that I need health insurance and I’m not completely sure that I could make it on my own because of my poor health. We are in marriage counseling and he says he wants to stay married but he isn’t changing how he treats me or how he parents our daughter. And I’m not the only one that disagrees with his style of parenting, our adult daughter and son agrees that he spoils her to the point of her being a self entitled brat.

I’m just lost.

Dear Karen,
My husband moved out about 87 months ago and said we are separated. We tried marriage counseling but it didn’t seem to help. Back story is that my step daughter had mental health issues and was in and out of hospitals. We have two small children together as well as my step son. While this was going on with my step daughter I tried to keep the fort down at home. I took care of our two littles and step son and tried to keep them happy. When my husband would come home from work or hospital from seeing his daughter, he had nothing left to give to the boys. I get that part, but at the same time, the little ones would act up for his attention and he wouldn’t give them any. This would cause them to act out. I had said to him several times it would be better if he didn’t come home unless he was able to give them attention. He never said to me that this made him think I “hated” him until two years later when we were in marriage counseling We also had financial stress during that time and almost lost our home. Now we no longer go to counseling and he has been out of house since March. We hang out as a family with the kids and things go nicely and I thought that mean we were headed in a good direction yet he still says he doesn’t know what he wants and that if I need an answer now then it’s divorce. He brings up all the time how I was mean to him while his daughter was in the hospital ect yet it was a hard time for me too, I helped raise her but felt alone because I wasn’t mom and had no control over her care and had the three boys to take care of. Tonight I mentioned how I thought things were going foo with us all hanging out and maybe that was leading somewhere. He said he never thought of us all hanging out as a family as time for him and I rebuilding and it was just about the kids. I’m heart broken all over again. We have taken mini trips to water parks, going out to the beach for the day, gone out for day in boat, taken kids to play places ect. All great times. I told him tonight that if the family times together aren’t also a time that could help us lead back to each other than I cannot do it anymore and he can take the kids in his days by himself. He tried turning it around on me saying that it makes the kids happy and why wouldn’t I want to do that for them. I’m so torn. I feel like by now, 7 months in, he should know what he wants, but when I ask him he just tells me he ha seven busy working and that we aren’t even friends and several other repeated things. I still love him but I feel like my heart keeps getting broken again and again. I feel like I am getting blamed for a lot more of his feelings during our daughters hard time then I am responsible for.

Thank you,
Confused in NY

Hello Karen,
I am not usually one to post but I was moved by some of your previous responses. I have been married almost 5 years (together for 8). From previous military deployments, my husband is now 100% disabled with PTSD. When we first met he struggled with binge drinking and anger management, however, prior to getting married he quit drinking completely with my assistance. This lessened his anger issues but did not alleviate them entirely. A few times a year he would have the outbursts where he described these moments as “seeing red” and though he never directed the aggression towards me, it was still frightening to see him throw something against the wall, etc. After we were married and had our first son, we were living in a highly stressful environment with his family who didn’t accept me as I was a different nationality. One day during an argument he became physically violent and pushed me to the ground – an action he said he immediately regretted. We spent weeks sleeping in different beds, and had multiple conversations over a period of several months. I went to counseling, but made the mistake of not demanding that he go because at the time he was studying to become a doctor and had little told to devote to anything else except for us. I also started to see the kind man I knew and didn’t hold him accountable. That was 3 years ago. Since then, he was also diagnosed with IGA neuropathy and received a kidney transplant. He was forced to end all communication with his family due to their poor decisions while he was ill – these events caused him serious depression for the past year. Since May of this year, we had been in a great place, he had attended an anger management class and was seeing a counselor from the VA. We were in couples counseling to assist with getting over his depression/ my emotions/ etc. and were considering having another baby. A month ago, during another argument, he had a dissasociative episode where he blacked out and head butted me causing my nose to break. Immediately following the incident I could tell he had no idea what happened and to this day doesn’t remember, though he takes full responsibility and has told me that his actions scared him and that he will do whatever it takes to get better not only for me and our son but for himself as well. We are each in individual counseling along with couples counseling. The issue is – I am not sure I want to be in this marriage anymore. I posed the question of separation to him and he said he understands and would agree but I would also like to try dating (without sex) which he said he would not be okay with. My biggest fear is that I stay in this marriage out of the fears associated with divorce. Unfortunately, neither of us have family and rely heavily on each other so just separating would feel like being isolated as we recently moved to a new state and I work from home making it challenging to make new friends. I want to try living in a way where I meet new people both male/female. My biggest quarel is that I know my husband is truly a kind man. Those who know him know he would give you the shirt off his back. He is normally the calm one in our marriage and has helped me through some very difficult times, but he has gone through a lot in his life and has not dealt with a many of those emotions which has led him to this point. This is not justification for his actions, it’s only my explanation as to why I feel so torn about leaving. Neither our therapist (who is a VA counselor specializing in PTSD) nor I think he fits the criteria of the typical abusive husband, but that doesn’t mean I should stay. Ultimately, I just want to be sure that if I choose to stay #1. Both my son and I are safe long-term, #2. I’m doing so because I love him and want to fix our damaged marriage. I feel like trying a separation where I can meet new people is the only way to really know if that is what I want. I would truly appreciate your opinion on the matter given my brief explanation.

Thank you in advance for your time and response.

Hello Karen,
My husband and I just made the decision to separate. He wants me to go the the gym more often and says I dont take my appearance and how I look for him, as far as losing weight, seriously. He recently has lost about 50 lbs and 90 total. His 2eight has always been a big deal to him. Because we have 2 young children, a home and full time jobs, going to the gym is overwhelming and a waste of time to me. I have recently lost weight, but more so by making changes to diet.
My issues is that, I feel like he is mean. He says things he cant take back that are really hurtful. We both work from home and so he moved everything out oou bedroom, bathroom and closet upstairs. We cannot afford for him to get his own place or anything and we don’t want to freak out the kids. We ha e been married for 10 yrs and together since I was a teenager. He is not very open to counseling. I’m not sure what to do and this is all very fresh.

Good morning, my wife and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 years now. Unfortunately our relationship has taken a toll on the both of us. We love each other very much but for whatever reason we’re not able to communicate well which is leading to a lot of unhappiness for the both of us. We’ve been unhappy with the way our marriage has been going for over a year now. We’ve tried fixing it ourselves but was unable, she said she’s unhappy with herself and even though she loves me, she’s not able to give me the happiness that she once gave me because she’s struggling with her own happiness. Two days ago we agreed to have a short separation because us trying to make it work in the same house haven’t worked for over a year. She’ll be moving in with her parents and I’ll stay home with our 2 years old son. We agreed to get professional help separately and together every week. We both agreed that we don’t want a divorce but she feels like her leaving for 2-3 months will help. My question is, while we’re apart, what is OK for us to do with each other? I suggested to her that we should talk daily, we agreed to meet us on Saturdays for therapy and on Sundays just for her and I to talk. We both agreed to this, I also suggested that her and I should go on couple of dates while separated but she doesn’t think that’s a good idea. She said she doesn’t want to give out too much hope and mislead me. We both agreed that we’re going into this with the hop that she’ll return back home in January. But when I brought up the idea of us going on dates while separated she seems a little reluctant. She said she wants us to focus more on our issues, start making changes, start seeing some results/improvement before we can date again. Was I wrong for wanting dates and things such as that while we’re separated and trying to figure this out? I love her very much, she said the same about me and I hate that we’re at this point. Also what can I do to not focus soo much in the pain and suffering from not having her home with me and our son? I’m really struggling with that.

Karen,
My wife and I have been together for 25 years since age 19, have 2 children under 12.
We have had 8 years of high stress situations like losing our home to fire on Christmas, then a lost job and 2 year lawsuit, followed by 2 relocations and a second and third job loss while building our home. Last year we also lost my father, uncle and 2 close friends to me.
The lawsuit and job loss due to various reasons had left us nearly broke. However, we managed to keep the family happy and semi comfortable until I found a stable position. The periods of unemployment were extremely worrisome for me as the sole provider, but we managed. Over the past 18 months I have been working 100+ hours a week and coming home most weekends for a day or two. We talked about a plan to relocate again and start planning for me to be able to be home more and make a move to drastically reduce our debt hoping to reduce my stress because there was growing concern about how short temered I’d become and I also was feeling the effects of the burnout and sleep deprivation as well as seeing the effects on our relationship.She battles depression and has now started feeling effects of early onset menopause.
Over the years, we have had 3 or 4 major fights, mostly early on. We both have shortcomings and argue, rarely productively. She lands on the side where she pushes relentlessly and won’t stop without a reaction from me. I land on the side of anything short of physical to make her stop.
Recently we had an argument that was mildly physical on her part that caused a unbecoming verbal assult from me for which I regret, and some of which I don’t recall what I said. My wife and I were so loud the kids heard and were extremely upset. We didn’t resolve the issues and went to bed at separate times. She didn’t stay in bed that night and was surely upset.
The next morning we passed at the front door, her with the kids and me off to work. Both cordial had a few words and went on our way. I was still upset and imagine so was she. We didn’t speak for that day and I took the time to reflect seriously about our situation and decided that night that it was time to refocus on family regardless of the financial constraints and start step 1 of our plan.
When I called she didn’t answer which is unusual for her. I called a bit later and left a message and waited, I called her work much later and was informed she had called in. This worried me so I called my kids school and no show for them. In a panic i called her father and he informed me she had left and didn’t or wouldn’t talk about where she went. I texted and called several times until I got a response. Text only and it stated they they(her and the girls) we fearful of me and didn’t want to be around or for me to know where they were. All I could get by text we’re repeat answers like we are safe. 4 days of this and no verbal contact. Finally i called the sheriff and asked if I should reort them missing, but to my surprise I had a TRO from the state where her family resides over a thousand miles away. The sherrif informed me that she was in that state, and then she called.
She had said that during my rant I told her to “get out by the end of the month” for which I don’t recall but it is possible. During our conversation i stated that If I did say that I didn’t mean it and was sorry. She has since informed me that they are staying with her parents and I am to have no contact and she is taking time to heal from my verbal abuse over the years and is not sure if she is willing to work out our marital issues. She has left her job and me with all the debt 430k.
I have sought out a counselor for my issues to show her I’m serious about making our marriage stronger but she won’t agree to come back home, even to attend couples counseling. I asked if she would consider meeting me at a counselor closer to her, but she doesn’t seem to be receptive. I fear her family support have more interest in keeping her there with the grandkids than providing soud advice based on what’s best for our family. I have been clear i don’t want a divorce but I don’t want to go to her because meddling from her family has been a constant negative in our relationship for 25 years.
She states she doesn’t want to divorce but won’t return to our state and has enrolled our kids in a school there. I am contemplating filing papers to force her to return the kids back to there school and home but obviously see that it is likely to end any chance reconciliation. We have limited conversation. I need clarity but this is over my head. I suspect if I wait too long she may divorce from a different state which is less fair than where we are current citizens. It has been a short time but two different state laws come into play for divorce so I can’t afford to wait 6months to find out if we are working to fix it or forget it.

What advice can you give a loving overworked overwhelmed husband and father?

Continued from before: I also forgot to say before that my husband seemed annoyed and agitated that we told our daughter that things would be different. He said nothing to make our daughter feel better just sat there looking miserable. I said we wouldn’t have a lot of family time together now and he said we would still do things as a family. I’m like that’s not what a separation is all about. Im so confused! Does he want a separation or not? I love this man and want him to be happy and healthy. I just don’t know what he wants from me. He’s not communicating.

Karen,
I appreciate the guidelines in this article. My wife and I are seriously considering a trial separation. I’ve looked for and found a possible apartment as well. I would be the one moving out since I have been the cause of distress in our marriage for a long time. We’ve been married for 21 years and have a 15 year old daughter. I’m 47 and was a firefighter in the Air Force Reserve for 21 years, with 2 deployments to war, and a civilian firefighter for 15. I retired medically with PTSD from the civilian department in 2016. During the last 12-15 years I have developed an alcohol problem and have accepted that I am an alcoholic. Not the kind that drinks everyday, but the times I have drank I wouldn’t normally stop when I should. I’m not abusive verbally or physically, but my drinking progressed into an obvious problem. I am now getting help from the VA and AA. I have slowly eroded my wife’s love for me over the years and I don’t blame her for wanting this separation. She is a very kind and loving and beautiful woman that I have taken for granted. I’m scared to take the very real step of moving out due to advice I’ve been given from those who’ve gone through a divorce. Everyone tells me that moving out would show a judge that I abandoned my family, even if I’m doing it for the right reasons. My wife and I have talked a lot about how it will work and additionally we’re both willing to go to marriage counseling together during this time. I’m hoping and praying that there is still a marriage and love to salvage. We agreed to a 6 month separation. Mainly since that’s the minimum length on an apartment lease. We both feel that a change in my comfort level and scenery, as well as I’m starting a new trade school for I.T. that will keep me very busy would benefit me. It would also give my wife some breathing room away from the constant reminder that she has forgiven me too many times which in turn makes her resent me. I just want to make sure I’m making the right and wisest choice by agreeing to be the one to move out.

Hello Karen
Me and my wife have been together 13yrs married 6 we have a 3yr old daughter. This last year has pretty rough she ran for a political office she worked her butt off and we were just busy busy She did not win. I thought we had a pretty good marriage and life but about 2 months ago she tells me she wanted divorce. It came as a shock to me as just months before I was the love of her life just though things were fine. I wanted counseling she refused said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me any more.

She started seeing a counselor and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. We are now separated she moved out found her own place. And I’m gonna try give her her own space she has also said she feels she wants to just leave start over from scratch. She said she feels disconnected from everything work life just everything. I ultimately am trying to fight to keep our family together. We have never really fought argued always been faithful. I feel she is leaning towards not making it. Any help or advise

Karen,

Been married for 25 years. Most were very happy. Ok July 2017, wife said she was unhappy and had been for a “long time”. She loves me but was no longer in love. She also admitted to an affair that was current. She has never been specific as to when affair began and refuses to say who. It is a colleague but not local (as best I can tell). She is the type that is analytical and rarely expresses emotions. She does not believe in counseling as it will simply make her defensive and therefore not help. I believe the affair has ended (she says it has and I tend to believe her). She never apologized and even once stated her only regret was telling me about it but at the time she told me she was ready to leave. Between us, all intimacy and affection has died. I believe she has tried. I believe she still loves me. Two and half years ago, several things happened that angered her and she has never forgiven me. Even though there were reasons and others would dismiss the issues as no very significant to her they are and therefore matter. Stress levels have increased to an unbearable level (for her) as I want to repair the marriage and to me for that to happen we need help. As stated above, she refuses. This morning, she mentioned a separation as the way possible to save the marriage. By this, she means if she stays and we continue to engage she is done. And I cannot not engage and I just want to fix things. I’ve forgiven the affair, even though she never apologized. I understand how and why it happened. This article helped me know with the necessity of common goals and rules. Thoughts ?

Hi,
Thanks for writing such a succinct book and for all of the very helpful comments.
I need your sound advice. My wife and I are drained. Before moving closer to family we had a pretty decent relationship. Our son was born with club feet and had to wear braces when sleeping eventually but we were able to get past that. In 2014 we moved across the country and I took over ownership of a business. My family and my wife clashed almost immediately with me always feeling in the middle and having to dig us out of the holes they created, despite my best efforts. Soon thereafter, our dog died, our son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 non hodgkin lymphoma. This understandably put us under much stress and duress. Since then it has been a constant push pull with me having to take care of working, paying the bills, coordinating childcare, going with my wife to appointments, talk to her about her fears while still trying to stay sane. It did not work. We had lots of fights. In 2016 she went through treatment again and in 2017 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy. So the fights started again. It culminated in me after years of in my opinion running everything that I lost it and was arrested for throwing a pizza box and charging past my wife to leave the house. She had texted my dad so they were all at the house when I was arrested. I feel that for years she has backburnered everything because of cancer. I understand that and try to empathize. However, when I have been made to feel like a servant, who does most things wrong ,who can’t put clothes away right, I feel like I am in a no win situation. I want to separate but want to do it the right way. Suggestions?

Hello,
I am considering a Trial separation with my husband. We have been married going on three years and together for 6 years. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me but our problems always begin and end with his drinking. He lies about his drinking which is one of the biggest problems. He does not get drunk consistently but when he does its a trainwreck. He will always make the wrong decision when drinking and becomes this entirely different person who is not the man I married. I will not go to bars with him anymore as he is incapable of having a casual beer and leave the bar without getting cut off first. Its embarrassing. We are also tight on cash as he wracked up quite a bit of credit card debt (which he lied about and hid from me for quite a while), he has picked up extra hours at work to pay this off but sometimes he lies about being at work and is actually at a bar with his friends. I know the second I see him when hes been drinking and he will always deny it, eventually he will tell me that he had “three beers” which is always another lie. The last time this happened I said to him if he lied about his drinking again I will leave, and for 3 weeks he was fine and then the other night it happened again and this time was worse as his “friend” put Opioides in his beer which caused him to hallucinate and basically go insane during which he denied drinking, going out and insisted he was in work the whole time. He will not admit he has a drinking problem but at the same time he does not drink all the time. But he will chose alcohol over me as apparently my last ultimatum meant nothing to him. He see’s how upset I am and is very regretful of his actions but he always is regretful of his actions. I am thinking of a trial separation as I don’t want to leave him but I want him to feel what life would be like without me in it and hoping that this would be enough for him to change his ways. His behavior has resulted me in not being able to trust him at all, with money, his drinking, his whereabouts, who he is with (his friends who are usually always a bad influence). I am not worried about him cheating on me or anything of that nature. I am at a loss of what to do but feel a trial separation is our best option.

Hi Karen. Thank you for all your wonderful advice. I’m at a point where I think I need discernment counselling….. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary and we been together for 30 years. We have 2 amazing sons aged 23 and 22. They are both pretty much self sufficient, don’t really need financial assistance. In July of 2018 I confronted my husband about deleting messages to/from my friend. He admitted they had been flirting. I asked him to stop. But you know a woman’s intuition is an amazing thing….. On the 2nd Sep I walked in on them having a good cuddle in our family room (I tip-toed so they couldn’t hear me) I then confronted both of them and told her to f*** off out my house and to leave my husband alone. I was debated! She was my best friend and business partner. She’s married to a great guy and… Here’s the kicker… She lives right next door!!! I wanted to know everything! He admitted that he was having a affair. For about 2 years – I was later to discover it was more like 4 years! They had been for coffee and lunches. She would pop into his office and bring him snacks. He told me that there was nothing physical but yet it was sexual??? I don’t get that, neither do I believe it. He told me the he’s kissed her and touched her and then he refused to tell me anything more coz it would ‘kill me’ – his words, not mine. I was shattered. You have no idea how much it hurt and still hurts???? Since then we have been to a marriage councillor and have been to an Imargo weekend workshop. I’ve been to therapists, doctors and a life coach. My husband says he has no contact with her any more but I don’t believe him. 3 years ago when I suspected that there was something weird going on, he looked at me with a very calm look and said that there’s nothing going on, that I have got nothing to worry about and that I’m paranoid. So there’s good reason I don’t believe he’s lies! We’ve now sold our house and are moving at the end of this month. I’m hoping it will be a new start but at the same time I would love to make a new start on my own. If we got divorced there’s not really too much of a financial issue because he will be fair. The problem is that I do still love him and he makes me laugh. He’s the father of my kids…. But I will never be able to trust him again. I can’t allow him to hurt me like he did. NEVER again!!!!! And I am super excited to be on my own and do my own thing but I’m also scared of being on my own….. Does that make any sense? Btw, I’m from South Africa, so my English spelling could be slightly different to yours☺

Hi Karen,
My wife and I have been married for 3 and 1/2 years, have 3 kids (all under 3). She is a lot younger than I and since we started dating we were inseperable and at the beginning of the relationship I was confident and upbeat, so much so that I took her for granted and behaved in an unappreciated manner within the 2nd year. She got fed up and threatened with divorce. We eventually worked things out after 2 months of her going out and “being herself”. Once we got back we were back to being inseparable for the next 6 months. Withing theses 6 month jealousy, neediness and clinginess were all coming out of me. To a point were she then said she needed her space. Tried working at it, but ended up fighting beacuse of my insecurities. After a month of fighting constantly we decided to do a trial seperation. She really wanted it, but I didnt. Its been a short while but I have noticed that whenever I am not after her, she is first to text or call me. I did mention to her that I had seen my mistakes and was ready to change. She says that up to this point the seperation has helped her miss me a little more. We have our first date where she invited me out this week. I just dont know if she is really planning to divorce and just wants to let me down easy or she is really working at it as she constantly goes out because all of her you ger friends are doing the same. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I stole her from her youth.

Hello,
About a month ago, my wife told me that she had 2 feet out the door and wanted a divorce. About a week after her announcement to me, she text me from work asking me how I felt about the divorce. I asked her if she was asking about how I actually felt (emotionally) or my thoughts…she responded by saying both. I then proceeded to let her know that I did not want a divorce and wanted to work towards a stronger marriage because I loved her. I let her know that I understood the things that needed to be focused on from myself as a husband to rebuild the trust that was lost and was willing to do whatever it needs to make things right. She then responded by saying that she believed we have grown too far apart and our relationship was irreparable, to move forward with the divorce. The next few weeks were a rollercoaster, some days were better than others in regards to communication and connection. Some days she was engaging with me and then others very silent and cold. She still spends with the kids and I at my parent’s events, etc. Just recently she told me that she is thinking and reading up on trial separations, wanting my thoughts. Give us 6 months to see how it feels and not date anyone during this time. I would have to move out of our home and split time with our kids. I tried to talk to her more in depth on her motivation behind the swing between divorce and trial separation and she really didn’t express any real honest answer. Just was real quiet and stated that she didn’t know why. During the conversation, I expressed how I felt, how much I loved her and was committed to making our marriage stronger, growing our connection and friendship again. During my entire heartfelt speech, she was just quiet, really couldn’t look me in the eye and didn’t really have a response. Your thoughts?

Hello, my wife and I have separated after almost 17 years of marriage (19 years together). We have three children together, our oldest has some ongoing medical issues. We have been apart for about 10 days. I am living in our new house which we closed 6 weeks ago. Buying the home was her idea because we didn’t have enough space/bedrooms/bathrooms for our children in the old house. She is staying in the old house which has not been sold yet. The kids are staying with her in the next town over so that they can finish out the school year there. The plans that I thought we had in place are now all up in the air. We got married young, I lived at home with my parents during my first year of college and we moved in together when we got engaged. She lived on her own for about 6 months before marriage while she started college. Neither of us ever really were on our own. After all of these years of marriage, she said that she needs to discover herself / complete the final part of her journey. While I don’t really understand what means completely, I agreed to leave. The kids have been staying with me on the weekends and I’ve been running them to all of their appointments. So I’m seeing the kids about 80% of the frequency I was seeing them before but I still miss them greatly. We are still sharing finances and bills, I make considerably more than she does and I would never leave her in financial distress. After being apart for 10 days, living in an empty large home, I’m starting to realize that I don’t really know who I am without the marriage. She somehow figured out that she needed to be apart to find her self, but it took this shock to my system to realize that I think I need to do the same thing. I don’t know where to go from here. I truly do love her still, but I don’t know where she stands and she doesn’t want to talk about anything but the logistics of the kids. I feel that the stress of our oldest child’s problems, having to move, switch school districts, her having to go from a 5-minute commute to 35 minutes, etc. have all added to relationship stress.

Hi,

My husband and I have been married almost two years. We both have very good careers. I am 29, he is 31. We have no children. We are still living in our first apartment. I thought we were ready to start looking at homes. I’ve been bringing up buying a home for the past year and constantly get shut down. Fortunately, we have little debt and are financially able to buy a house, why I get shut down is beyond me. It’s to the point it’s a constant argument and our marriage is suffering. Starting a family is also a huge argument (me for, him against) and thus our sex life is now next to nothing.
We haven’t been talking and the nights someone sleeps on the couch is increasing rapidly.
I made an appt with a couples therapist. He agreed to go. We go in about 3 weeks.
I’m not sure if separating and giving each other some space is the best thing for us our not?

Thanks for any advice.

Hello recently, with the help of this and several other articles, my partner and I decided a separation is in order. We are not married, however have been together for 10 years. Living together for 9. We live with my 2 children (15,13) and his 1 child (12) They are with us full-time. Over the past 18 months or so, we have created a terrible pattern of fighting. Breaking up in an angry blow-up. And after a couple of days of torture and torment, we eventually call a truce. This went from once per month, and has escalated to 1-2 times per week. It is exhausting in every way. We both have a great deal of love for one another, however this just isn’t working, and we need to do something different. He is leaning away from the idea of separation, but he does admit that things cannot continue like they are, and is willing to separate since that is what I say I need. Of course, as luck would have it, we have an 8 day family vacation in Mexico planned in 3.5 weeks. Paid in advance. I feel like we need a 60 day separation, NOW, or it will be more of the same, and i cannot do any more of that. I feel like there is equal chance on both sides as to where we land at the end of it. What would you suggest we do with our vacation? I take my kids, he take his, and we avoid each other? I don’t want to take the trip away from the kids, however, our relationship is not in a good enough place right now that I would feel like we could even risk going together. Any advise would be appreciated.

Good morning Karen,
Me and my husband have been separated for almost 6 years ? ( I know) lol. But I’m ready to file for divorce . But I want to buy some property and I wanted to know if I should just legally separate for now then buy the property or just divorce and buy my property ? Not sure how that works? Please help if u can

Good morning Karen,
I have recently been given an amazing business opportunity that will require relocation for my family 2 hours away from where we are now. We currently live within 5 miles of both of my wife’s parents (both divorced and remarried) and she insists that she is not moving anywhere and if I want to do it I have to do it on my own. I love my wife and kids very much and am trying to make the best life possible for them. Since our marriage in June of 2015, I have never felt like my wife is part of “our” family and is still part of “her” family. She seems to care more if her family is happy rather than myself. I am very unhappy living so close because her family is very overbearing and try to raise my children in a different way then me.
This opportunity will drastically improve our financial and emotion state in our family but my wife insists I have to do it alone.

What can I do my wife cheated on me twice one of them was for 8 months I found out ten years later

Hello Karen, I have been married for 7 years and have 2 kids. My problem with my marriage is my wife is plan out lazy. She doesn’t cook, she doesn’t clean, and all she wants to do is watch tv. I’m I a bad person for wanting to leave her for this. It has been like this from the beginning and there was always an excuse every step of the way. I was in the Army and she moved in with me after we got married. We had no kids and I was the only one working for 12 + hour days. I didn’t ask for much but a clean house but all she did was sleep in. She would say I don’t know how to be a wife, but as time went on, the next excuse was it’s not my house or it’s just an apartment, but after I got out and got a house now it’s just a shrug or silence. I’m all about 50/50 she do this I do that but it’s impossible with her. I end up doing all of it. I like a clean house and it shows the kids that this is a standard of life other than a chore you do for the rest of your life but it’s hard to distill that nature of our bedroom is just as messy as thiers. I have talked to her about it and I even told her we can make a list. You do this and I’ll do that but she refuses and says, “ you’ll just give yourself the easy stuff” so I offer to let her make the list and she just starts another arguement and says, “ then it will be just another way to make sure I do stuff”. After that remark I was dumbfounded but anywho I am not some man that believes every woman should be in the kitchen but I am not some man that does everything while you sit on your butt. Ive been through thick and thin for this woman and even stayed with her after she cheated on me on one of my deployments so you know I am a dedicated person but after a while it starts to take a toll. The only way I get her to do something is when we don’t talk so for the year or so half of it was on nonspeaking terms. We don’t argue about anything else other than that 99% of the time and the other 1% is dumb stuff like mispronunciations or something so small that we don’t even pay attention to. Well anyways to wrap it up, as our anniversary slowly inches toward I keep questioning myself if I really want to live like this for the rest of my life. I know I’m the one starting the argument but can you blame me? I also have a tough decision to make because I got a job offer that’s out of state and I’m debating to leave on my own because she has a house that only has 40000 left till it’s paid off, she has a car that’s already paid off, and if we divorce I’m letting her have everything but I don’t want to leave the kids. I will be more than a 1000 miles away. I hate it because I love my kids to death and due to her irregular work hours I have been the mother and father of the relationship so I know my kids will be as devastated as much as I am. I don’t know, I feel like I’m being self centered about the situation and I keep questioning myself.

Hi my name is Carlos I’ve been married to my wife 10 years and together 11. I come from a broken home I’ve cheated on her hurt her physical and emotional. I’ve texted with other girls and been caught. I have tried to change my ways and believe it or not little by little I was. She finally had enough and told me that she wants to separate not officially divorced but she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She said that she has lost herself by always putting me and our kids first. She doesn’t know if we will ever get back together only God knows. I realize what a great wife I had and I have changed my ways. What should I do to make this marriage work again? She’s always angry at me for everything that I’ve done to her and our family. I haven’t disrespect her in any kind of way or form she just says that I’m smothering her and so is her family for the decision she made. What can I do to make this better?

Hi! My name is Johanna and I have been married for 3.5 years and together for 7 years. My husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression. He has been battling with this for about 2 years. He works for a staffing agency and ever since he has worked for this company, he has changed. He is in a position where he has over 14k people who report to him and he takes complaints all day. All he does is hear problem after problem. His attitude has turned very negative and he pushes everyone away. My husbands job has taken over his life. He is working 10-15 hours daily and comes home to have dinner and go to bed to do it all over again. When he is around our families and friends, he is disconnected from everyone because he is consumed with his cellphone on Twitter fighting with Trump supporters and having twitter wars or is on Reddit also feeding his brain with all the negativity. Nothing brings him joy in life. My husband used to love playing video games and loved movies. He no longer finds joy in this. We have been trying to conceive for over a year and have not been able to so we started seeing a fertility specialist. We became pregnant last year and after only knowing for two days, i miscarried. My husband says he loves me but is no longer in love with me. He says I no longer bring joy. However, nothing else does either. He has been dealing with depression and anxiety for a while now and he ended up having a panic attack and we had to rush him to the hospital. I hurt everyday because I feel like I’m losing my best friend. My husband says he doesn’t want a divorce because he feels like this may be the biggest mistake he is making. Everyone around us that knows what’s going on tells him that he does not need to separate from me, they tell him he needs to get the depression under control. He does not speak to anyone. He won’t talk to me about his feelings nor to any of his friends of family. He keeps it all bottled in. I am the only person who is consistent in his life and he pushes me away. His job, even though he works with so many people, it is a remote position so he doesn’t physically see or work with these people. Everything is virtual. He has no hobbies because he doesn’t have the time to. He is not sure about anything that he wants. The only thing he seems sure of is that we need a separation. I’m so hurt and lost and just don’t know what to do.

Hello Karen, how are you? Hope all is well. I always describe myself as Tinkerbell because I’m a good very good caregiver and helping people increase their lives and marriage magnet because I had a very good upbringing by an amazing mom and I know how to be a great homemaker. However I saw how hard it was to be a homemaker so I always wanted to be a professional first and that’s what makes me a marriage magnet, because I befriend men, and sincerely don’t want to get serious and don’t pressure them for marriage and that makes them want to marry me more. I was engaged at 19 then again at 22… then engaged again at 29 to my current husband. My husband did not have a decent upbringing and did not have consequences to teach him to refrain from negative behaviors. He is Serial liar, selfish and has cheated. I found out about his negative behaviors after we dated for a year after and fell in love. That he had being LYING because the mother of his son was actually his wife and told me nothing about the two additional daughters that he had with the former high school sweetheart. Because I was single with no children I left him and move out of state to pursue my career. He visited me often, got a divorce and beg me to to give him another chance he explained it if you would have told me the truth I would have never have dated him which is true! Eventually I let him move in with me, because although I was dating it others it was really good and I did fall in love with him and love them as a friend, because we love to dance laugh even if we argue we never stayed angry we would laugh while we arguing… and although he had a poor upbringing he did have a good heart. We had a daughter he got a really good job offer
and I encouraged him to move back to Hometown to pursue it. He came and got me and our daughter six months later, we got married had another daughter. Found out after my second daughter that he was cheating in a 2-year with a woman who work by his job. I I was shocked and devastated because I knew he was a liar but I didn’t know he was a cheater! I asked him to leave! We separated but because the babies were young and one of my daughters had major health issues, he wind up moving bsck in. He promised to end the relationship. I forgave him, but didn’t trust him. I raise our children, help him perfusly raise his three children, was a great wife, mom and stepmother just like my mom taught me to be. Although we argue a lot the majority of the time I remain quie, patient and neutral with his childish, sailfish inconsiderate, disrespectful negative Behavior because I was I knew it was due to his dysfunctional upbringing and I also did a lot of teaching because I love to teach and nurture. Just to find out that he had rekindled the relationship with the other woman about 3 years after telling me he had cut it off but you make me believe did he really cut it off so I just stopped stop believing him and I just lost all trust but I refuse to Snoop to see if he was cheating on me or not I just labeled him as a liar and cheater. From that point on I just felt like I was stuck in a lopsided situation and I just wanted to reach the Finish, keep the peace be as happy as I can reach the finish line and raising my kids to be productive citizens in society. Fastforward…22 years together, 16 years married, our children are teenagers. I am tired, I did my job I was committed and I want to be FREE. Although I was a professional, in order to raise my children I had to take a huge $30,000 pay cut and work part-time in my profession where there wasn’t much growth. I have always been a high achiever but just like Tinkerbell I always enjoy helping others increase their lives at the expense of helping myself. I feel like an eagle whose wings have been clipped and I want the opportunity to find myself and soar again like an eagle. I wish I can find myself and soar while I’m with my husband and children but my husband just like a sociopath is such a charmer, he’s good-looking , conniving and so overbearing his needs and selfishness… that’s sometimes I don’t have the energy, time or Happy Spirit to pursue my needs. And after sacrificing for so long I really don’t know what my needs are ? Or who I am? Or what I want in life? At this point I know my husband very well and it’s hard for him to change but his sociopathic behaviors are spontaneous, often and hurtful. We argue a lot because remaining quiet, and neutral like I did in the past don’t seem to work I have to get it off my chest when he behaves negatively my daughter’s say I normally give 200% so when I stop giving us still at 100% LOL and my nickname as a child was happy-go-lucky so even when I’m sad I still pushed myself to laugh and be happy. Also, during our marriage his life increase tremendously thanks to me and he was able to get the job of a lifetime( which I helped him get) and he made many new friends both male and female and cultivate them, while I got stuck at at home doing all the work that he claimed he didn’t know how to do. Both my Husband and my daughters keep telling me to do for yourself mom but the problem is I’m not used to living in the household with people, putting myself and needs first, doing mainly for myself, being as selfish and inconsiderate like my husband is accustomed to doing. So that is why I want to separate! What do a I do? I want to separate and focus on myself but Needless to say he don’t want to lose me because I’m a phenomenal woman and I’m very patient and considerate of him and his needs because that’s how I was raised but he was not raised that way! So what am I’m getting from this lopsided deal? Should I stay and try to focus on myself while being married with him or should I leave to focus on myself? Please help, thank you in advance.

Hi Karen,
It feels strange to ask for advice and I feel like I’m being selfish, but I’m really unsure what to do & would really appreciate your thoughts. I’ve been married for 4 years, together for 10 (we met when we were 15). We didnt live together before getting married but once we moved in I felt our relationship changed. My husband has depression & recently diagnosed ADHD (trialing medications to see what works), these diagnoses became a lot more obvious once we moved in. For years I’ve been the driving force for him seeking counseling, medication etc. He has gone because I have asked him to & he is difficult overall to live with, very manic or low moods. I feel he is angry at me for trying to get him to access help for himself, &is just doing it so I wouldn’t leave him. I have always been clear that I wont save someone if they dont want to save themselves. I work with young people who have severe ADHD as a counselor & definitely didnt think I’d have to deal with this at home. He doesnt want to separate and is very upset, I love my husband but feel like he says he wants to make changes but really doesn’t. I told him last week that I would like an informal separation but he isnt accepting this. I dont know if I have a specific question, just any thoughts you had. I havent even told my mum who is my best friend because I just don’t know what to do

Hello! I’m so glad I stumbled upon your page. I have been married for 7 years and together 12. I was getting out of a bad relationship when I met my current husband and he “saved” me, in my mind. We have to children together, 4 and 6. We’ve had a very rough past. Dealings with his narcissistic family and cutting them off multiple times. MY husband going from job to job. Which left him unemployed for 2 years and us living with my parents (a lot to do with his family). His family has caused a lot of depression on him and even myself and issues in our marriage for the entire history of it. He has a drinking problem. When he drinks, he at times gets very confrontational. When he’s sober he isn’t very nice or patient. He is a very, very selfish person. He is an introvert, I am an extrovert. He never accompanies me out with friends to social gatherings unless it’s his friends. He often doesn’t join in with our children and me when we have school events, or fun Saturdays at the park, etc. He doesn’t help much around the house. His favorite thing to do is sit on the couch, watch tv and drink. And the most concerning thing to me, is I am not sexually attracted to him and not sure if I ever really was. It terrifies me to be stuck in a marriage when I don’t have that sexual relationship. I finally had enough and told him it is time to separate. But for some reason, I am so much more worried about his feelings than mine and find myself in a constant battle in my mind going back fourth. Deep down, I feel like I’m exhausted and done. But I also feel I am hurting him so much as I am all he has, and letting my family down. One day I feel I know what is the best and right thing to do and the next I question all of it. I know the things I want, I don’t have in this marriage. But throwing away so much history and even the good times, is so difficult for me. Any advice? Truly struggling here.

So this is amazing that you reply to so many people. I have spent about 2 hours reading a lot of the questions and replies. With that said I was wondering if you could give my situation a little once over. We have been married for 17 years have (3) kids and own a successful small business. Without getting into everything I have hurt my wife many times emotionally as she has me. Some of it bad, some just years of neglect to each others real needs. Her complaint about me is everything is a joke, we live to close to my family, I am pretty much a idiot to her (her words not mine), I am to wrapped up in my family (we own a family business together which she is 50% owner), I invited my brother back with his family to start another business which is beyond successful and allows here to do something different which she likes. She stated that if I invited him to work with us our marriage would be over and I did just that as I thought with him here we would have more time to do family things. (I of course didn’t listen but It was the right financial move). We have separated in the past for about 3 months and she says I lied to her to get her back. I did not. We simply could not afford the place she was living. If she was happy she would have found a way to stay separated in my opinion. Since we own our business together she knows the finances very well and could have figured away to have stayed apart. Now she has asked me to leave which I did. I am living in one of our houses that my parents live in. Here is what gets me. She allows me over to the house at any time. We work together everyday and get along amazingly. She has me schedule all the repairs to house and cars. She has me purchase things we need at home. She is more then capable of doing these things but she asks me to do them. She has stated that she wants a divorce but early next year. With that said we are planning vacations, kids camps and resume building for college. We talk in person, phone and text everyday. I never stay the night at the house but can eat dinner there, put puzzles together etc. She still says everyday that she is 100% getting a divorce. Neither one of us has a lawyer as we both have access to each others emails, texts, calls and devices. I have not yet got a place as I do not see this lasting. She knows I love her but she has not been in love with me for over 16 years she states. To complicate things more (and by that I mean confuse me more) is that right before she told me it was over we went into escrow and a commercial property for our business. Why would she do this is beyond me (you understand all the legalities). She constantly states she only wants the house she is now living and that I can have all the other properties, companies etc. Now before I ramble on to much……I know I should get a place but we are in (and she knows this very well which is why she is not pushing it) the fastest growing city in Californian right now and rents and homes are outrageous. We know it would be a big mistake to buy now but she is really wanting me to get a place. “All the confusion”. Should I just let it be and not think about the signals she sends me that say everything but divorce. Should I not worry about it and see what time will tell. I do not like going on like we are best friends when she has told me she hates me. Am I making sense here? Anyways we have decided to not see a therapist this time as she says I am manipulative and am very persuasive so there is no point to go to one. I believe her when she says she will divorce me, but her actions, attitude and body language say something completely different. Such is my life. I do not want to stay married to her if she does not want to stay in the relationship. What is the point of waiting (can only be tax related in my opinion). She knows though that I will do anything for her and the kids and I think she is just using that to her advantage. Its not a game to her but away to stay in control is what I am thinking. I just think she knows that if she keeps me calm and somewhat close that when the divorce happens she will have won without any trials and tribulations from me. She is very smart but has never been manipulative at least not in the past. She never ever lies I mean that she never lies, cheats or steals every. Oh well I digress. There was never any cheating in our relationship just lots of years of arguing and verbal abuse (her to me). I deserved all of it mind you. I still wear my ring she does not. I do not want to deal with community members and peers asking questions until I know it is really over. I told her this and she said of course take it off its over and has been for years. So there you go that’s my story. Like the rest before there you need to know so much more but hopefully just by putting this out there it will help me heal.

Hello!
So we have been married for 3 years with a 3 year old daughter. She adores her dad. He is a wonderful father. He does a lot for us; buys us a lot of stuff. However, I am Unhappy because that doesn’t matter to me. I have gained lots of weight and don’t like my job but I think its because I am unhappy in my marriage. We do have it good. My husband I feel is mean to me. He tells me to shut up when I correct him or when he is talking to others and he doesn’t want me talking, it’s embarrassing. He also doesn’t let me do stuff like go back to college or go out with a girlfriend. I do it and do it anyway but he gets mad and tells me to hurry back and with school he told me that I am not that smart so why waste the money. I talk back to him and stick up for myself but he says he never said that or twist his words around saying he didn’t say it like that. So he basically lies and makes me feel crazy. He gets mad if I spend money on simple stuff like dog treats not even for myself which is not very much yet it’s ok for him to go out and get massages and tobacco and stuff for his car. I mean we do have separate back accounts. He mean to mean In front of our daughter and she tells him not to be mean to mommy and says I am making her say that when clearing she is saying it herself. Kids pick up on stuff!! I think he’s unhappy with himself and I tell him this but he says he’s not. Then why is he so mean and always bring me down. I was a happy person before I meet him. I just don’t know what to
Do anymore?

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. My husband just dropped the bomb a month ago, and said he doesn’t love me anymore and that he wants to move out and get his own apartment. I was devastated. He left that day to meet a woman colleague from work. In my despair, I tried to take my own life. When I was at the hospital, my husband blamed me for what I did. I just caused more trouble. I should realized that what I did was stupid. I was so hurt. From that day on, he was just ignoring me at home. We never really talked anymore. A week later I decided to go to a friend. But then, I had this panic attacks that I would lose my husband. So I want back home, he tried to comfort me that day. The rest of the days, he would just ignore me and not talk to me anymore. He told me he didn’t want to have any relationship with me anymore. He wanted to have a space because he felt like choked in our relationship. He wanted to have his freedom, to do sports for as long as he want, to meet new people including women, to go out etc. When I asked him if he wants to separate or divorce, he told me he doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t want to talk about the problem. Every time I talk to him about it because of the uncertainties that felt, it would end up him being upset. We are now seeing a couple’s therapist. He made it clear there that he doesn’t want to find a solution to save the marriage. he wants to find his happiness. He doesnt want to work on the marriage. I told him, there’s no point of going to the marriage counselling if this is what he wants. He said, because we started it already, we can continue it and maybe it would help. Recently, I suggested that I move out and find my own flat to give him time. He agreed right away and even said to put separation as the reason for moving out. When I asked him again, what his plan is, if he wanted to get a divorce, he became very angry and he told me I am forcing him to decide. I only wanted to know because I am in so much pain being in this situation not knowing what’s going to happen next. I still love my husband and I really want to work on our marriage. He hugs me and kisses me at times, and all these actions are confusing me. He even bought me presents. I don’t know if he’s doing this out of guilt. Right now, I can’t concentrate anymore at work. I’m crying every day for more than a month now. I feel like I’m so broken. He said to me we are not compatible anymore as I’m not as sporty as him. I tried to all the sports that he liked. I learned how to ski, cross country ski, ice skate, play ice hockey. But I don’t like to jog or cycle. I tried to give him space at home, Im sleeping in a different room while looking for an apartment. But at times, I would have this urge to talk to him about the problem and he hates it. He said we already have counselling. He doesn’t want to think about the problem. In the beginning he told me he doesn’t know what he wants, but now, it’s getting clearer to me that he probably wants to end this marriage. He’s been talking to a colleague from work who he hated in the beginning but now suddenly they are very close friends. He said he wanted his advise because he has experience. I don’t know if this guy is divorced. The guy is encouraging him to end our marriage. I’m trying the accept the situation that it could end up in the divorce, and just move on with my life. Most of the times, i would end up in this very whirlpool, where I felt like I’m sucked and I can’t get out of it. I feel like I just want to go back home to my mom and give myself sometime to recover. The home situation is just pulling me down.

Hi Karen,
My husband and I have been together 4 years and married 2. We have a blended family. I’m a bonus mom to a 5 year old and we have a 2 and 1 year old together. We are pretty young. I’m 24 and he will be 23 in August. We have been having problems since we moved to Washington state( he is military). I just got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He is super extroverted and when we first got here, I spent primarily most of my time at home(SAHM) and we go on dates. He does music and wants to pursue it as a career so on his off days, he would stay out until super late and sometimes spending the night out. He says that was the only time that he can get it done. Anyway, he would come home and sleep most of his off day. He also didn’t pull his weight around the house and what I feel, with the kids. Not saying he is a bad dad but I don’t feel like he prioritizes spending time. Sitting around watching tv is not spending time. So we had this same argument for about 6 months. I always asked for balance. Fast forward, 2 of his friends are living with us and I’m annoyed by it. We are separated but living together until I can move out. We are still in love but his patience has thinned during arguments. He wants to be separated to work on himself and because he isn’t happy. I don’t want to separate.He wants to come back together in 6 months. I tell him to be honest because he says he doesn’t know if he is ready to be married. Are we pushing things off? What should I do? We are also going to counseling now.

First and foremost, thank you for the amazing article. I would love it if you gave me some advice on the following. To start off, my husband and I are currently seeing a therapist. We’ve been married for 3 years now and we dont have any children. All three years he has accused me of cheating (Ive never cheated, felt like cheating or would entertain it). Things have now escalated to the point where he over analyzes small situations and accuses me of cheating. Example: I had candles lit around the apartment, because we forgot to take out the trash and when I came home the apartment didn’t smell so good. He later questioned me about it and when I explained he didn’t believe me. Eventually he admitted that he over did it. Anyways, theres plenty of examples I could use, but I dont want to go on and on. Another thing, I just had a birthday and he didn’t even wish me a great day or call to say happy birthday. Same thing happened for our anniversary. With all of this I’m feeling under appreciated, judged and slandered (he tells people I’m cheating on him). Im not sure what to do and I feel like separating would be a good way for him to appreciate me or decide if he no longer wants to be in the marriage. Lastly, he doesn’t help at all around the house. Literally, he comes home plays video games or watches anime. I think he’s checked out and I dont feel like he’s trying to improve our marriage.

Hello,
I need help! I have been married 22 years (got married at age 19), and we have 2 kids ages 9&12. My husband was very attentive the first 10 years of our marriage, and it was always the plan to be married for that long before having kids. We agreed prior to marriage that we’d have 1 or 2 kids – as I love children, I’m a teacher. Ideally I would have wanted more, but knew financially that would not have worked. At the time I was putting myself through college to get my teaching degree, he was working part time and taking courses in psychology and history. Things were good, we lived simply due to finances. He battled depression and anxiety and alcoholism – but got sober.
Fast forward 10 years, I told him I was ready to have kids, he agreed, we had a daughter and immediately he changed. Very depressed, binge drinking once or twice a year, refused to to things we used to do (travel, festivals, visiting family, etc.) We had also just bought a house, I had a good job, he was working part time, never finished his degree. I begged him for help. He refused – always has, says therapy is “bunk”. I did get him to talk to the doctor, she offered meds, he refused them. BUT he got better for a couple years, we had a son, and he got bad again. We sold the house and moved across the country to be close to family (his). I started my graduate degree as a requirement of my new job, my kids were 2&5. I realized my husband has aspergers (autism spectrum high IQ). I asked him to go to counseling again and again. He adamently refused. Will in no way go to couples counseling. A year later I had enough, I took my 2 kids, spent the night in a hotel and told him that we NEEDED him to get help, and he agreed to get an assessment done to diagnose him with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). He went to the state assessment clinic at a major university and they confirmed the diagnosis, offered him therapy and counseling, and of course he refused. He then blamed me for manipulating him and has basically hated me ever since.

I have 2 degrees in child development and education. I have done everything in my power to protect my kids from his issues, and have gently tried to coach him (only when he asks) on how to handle education/parenting situations. He just can’t empathize with me or the kids, he can’t see things from our perspective EVER. If he wants to go on a hike with the family, he’ll get snippy with us on how we have to leave “right now” and we have to immediately drop what we’re doing, and go – or deal with him pouting, stomping around the house and complaining for days and days. He says paranoid things – like his family didn’t reply to an email because of weird reasons, etc. He hasn’t applied for, or held any job in 10 years, about since my youngest was born. He refuses, says he wants to focus on his hobby – which he spends 8-12 hours a day doing, and “requires” a nap mid afternoon, to where the kids and I must be absolutely silent until he awakes. I hate the life I’m living. I told him I want a legal separation until he can get a job and get on his feet. All he says is he doesn’t want that and he won’t reply to me verbally or in emails. He won’t leave or move out, he won’t look for an apartment or a job. I asked him to go to mediation with me to hash out a plan. He won’t go. I’ve talked to his family and mine. Mine are supportive, so are his -though his family is just saying we need to try marriage counseling because being a single parent isn’t the right thing to do. I told him we can go to marriage counseling during the separation, but the kids and I need space. He just messaged me (email) that he won’t go to mediation and he’ll start looking for a job and a marriage counselor. I asked him when – he replied with “in the next month or two”. I don’t want to wait a few more months! He just left for 3 days to visit his mom to “get advice” as she’s been married and divorced 3x and is currently separated from her 4th husband.
I feel trapped – either I pretend none of this is happening and I never told him I want a separation – because that’s how he’s acting – OR I go and get an attorney and file for divorce. He won’t go to mediation – I sent him links to 3 different ones so he could choose. He won’t consider it.

Hi Karen,
My husband decided he wants a separation. It was really hard on me. I didn’t see any signs, we don’t argue, we rarely have a fight. One day after dinner while i was in the bedroom he just said i dont want to be in a relationship anymore. I thought it was a joke. I couldn’t believe what im hearing. I didn’t know where it was coming from. We just got back from vacation two weeks ago and apparently he has been thinking about it for three months and he hasnt even talked to me about it. I was hurt i am still now. But I’ve moved out already but before i moved out he said i can keep the keys and all of a sudden now he wants it back. I dont want to return it coz i feel like theres still a chance we can be together again. I don’t really know what to do.

Hi Karen,
I have been married for 27 years and 10 years previous to marriage. My husband has just told me he wants to separate, which we did. I am living at our home and he is with his sister. I suffer from severe depressive disorder which my husband has always been supportive of through the years. In 2016 it was a bittersweet year, my twins were seniors in high school and going off to college in August. I lost my job in 2017 after working for 23 years there, my life came crashing down further. Going back to my childhood my father passed away suddenly when I was thirteen. So I have lived my life with the fear of losing those I love. So back to the kids, I basically was so close to being hospitalized because of their departure. It took a long time to start to feel better but slowly. Unfortunately I was making mistakes in work along with dealing with a boss who has been trying to get me fired for the longest time but failing, so I had that pressure as well. I was the BIG breadwinner in our marriage, even though I lost my job I was still bringing in more than my husband ever has. I was in a deep depression and had no self esteem, no confidence, etc…The furthest thing from my mind was getting another job which I would fail at again. I was on short, long term disability and social security. He got a second job. For about a year, he started treating me like crap. He would not talk to me unless necessary and then flip back to talking to me like he used to. If I would ask him questions, he would get mad because I was bothering him. He refused to tell me about his days in work, etc… He eventually stopped kissing and hugging me, saying I love you etc…. He was breaking my heart more and more each day. When my daughter came back from college in May, he turned his attention completely to her and totally locked me out of his life. My daughter saw this treatment, but also heard me snap several times. She and everyone else have no idea what he was doing to me mentally. There’s so much more I could say about his treatment of me but it’s upsetting me just typing this. I kept his treatment of me to myself I didn’t want to bother anyone with this other than my therapist. I finally had to tell my mom a few days before the separation. My husband and I agreed that we would make this a smooth separation for our kids (seniors). Well it’s only been a week and he is already being aggressive. He has been talking to others about this and getting advice from them. He has been planning this forever using what they have told him to do. I feel he is still doing this just by the wording he uses in his texts (he’s not that smart with wording). He keeps stating things about it’s my house I can do anything I need to do in MY house. I know that this is going to end in a divorce as I cannot love someone who used my mental illness as a tool against me. Should I just play his game and allow him full access until it is officially agreed on to divorce. My mindset is if I play his game without giving him any trouble that he will not be able to use anything that I do against me. I appreciate your time. Have a good day.

Hi Karen, I have been with my husband for 30 years, 4 kids. Only 1 is under 18 and still in the house and he would prefer not to have much to do with his Dad. I asked my husband to move out July 3rd, it took him almost a month to do so and then after 3 weeks he thought he could just come on back, however I stood my ground. He is staying with our adult son and is expecting me to tell him this Friday if he will be moving back into the house or looking for a place of his own. This was the most difficult decision of my life, I had spent a very long time trying to get him to turn things around. He’d promise, he’d attempt to change and then we were right where we started again. I was literally sick to my stomach and shaking the morning I told him that I needed him to move out. We have discussed the things that we need to work on as individuals as well as a couple and he is trying to really reach out to me to let me know how much he loves me. We do something together once a week and he is trying to work on his relationship with our teenager. However, one of the biggest problems that seem to be the heart of everything wrong is his lack of motivation to get a “real” job. We have been through a lot during the last 15 years and I finally pulled myself up and have gotten on with things, he has not and it has led to him being withdrawn from everyone. He has always been the provider, but because of outside issues life fell apart and I applied for a job that I thought was way beyond my reach, got it, and I am the bread winner. I have asked and pushed for him to get his CDL to get a real trucking job not just one that was hit or miss, low pay, and he hates it. During this separation he has passed all the written and physical tests for the CDL, has to pass the driving part in 30 days, but is spending his time scheming over other ways to make more money. All I have ever wanted was NOT to end up having to live with my kids when I am older, just have wanted 5 acres and a house paid, we had it and he literally screwed it away. I am terrified to let him back in the house and just have things status quo, it took everything I had mentally, physically, and financially to make this break once, but do I owe him one last chance? Actually that’s not really a question, this is his last chance but I am slightly afraid to tell him he needs to get his own place. And I hate to admit it but my son and I are happier at home without my husband around. The stress had become unbearable and Saturday AM he came and made us breakfast, nice right, except then he just sat down and was on his freaking phone. Totally irritated me and my son noticed the change in me instantly, husband didn’t. LOL On Sunday he did spend the day with me doing “my thing”, but if I wasn’t engaging him he again was buried in the phone/facebook. I have soo much more to tell but just writing this amount down is really refreshing!! I wrote down your rules from the article above and I will go from there.

Karen-
My wife and I are starting a trial separation as soon as she can find a place. We were like rabbits early in our relationship and marriage, but then it slowed massively after kids. We never really tried to fix it; for example we never tried a therapist. Our stagnant sex life was recently replaced for her by an affair with a woman, her first such experience. She found that she rather liked it, and is now unsure of her identity. Do you know much about sexual fluidity? I think she needs to figure this out during the trial separation (and therefore I think we have to allow dating), and I need to figure out whether I can be married to whoever she is now. BTW, we otherwise get along great, and we have a loving relationship with each other and our kids. It’s just that we may be sexually incompatible. And yes, we’re in therapy now, with limited results. Any thoughts? Thank you.