Episode Description - When Your 30 Year Marriage Falls Apart: Monica's Story
When the life you've built for decades starts to fall apart, where do you even begin to pick up the pieces? In this podcast episode, Monica, a successful professional who was married for over 30 years, opens up about the quiet unraveling of her relationship. She shares how she spent years walking on emotional eggshells before finally making the hardest decision of her life: to file for a divorce she didn't want because her marriage was falling apart.
Monica’s story begins in the “in-between.” She was stuck, scared, and trying to save a marriage that could no longer be saved.
Monica shares what it was like to leave the only life she had ever known, how she prepared for the possibility of divorce long before she filed, and the powerful mindset shift that helped her see the process as a business decision, not an emotional breakdown.
From letting go of the family home to navigating litigation with grace and clarity, Monica's story offers a grounded, honest look at how to take charge of your future—even when your heart is still catching up to your head.
Monica’s story is a testament to resilience, self-worth, and what it really looks like to heal. If you've ever felt stuck between what was and what could be, Monica’s journey might just give you the perspective shift you need to create the life you truly want.
Show Notes
About Monica
Monica is a highly accomplished Program Manager bringing expertise in program design and oversight, with focus on social responsibility initiatives. Monica divorced 6 years ago after a 30+ yr marriage. Later she almost lost her son in a horrendous car accident. Thankfully, he survived and Monica has gone on to build an amazing life for both of them.
Divorce Resource: The Lilac Tree
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Monica
- Monica left a 30+ year marriage—her first love, whom she met at 17—after years of emotional struggle, fear, and feeling invisible in her own life.
- She experienced severe emotional distress during the decision-making process, including anxiety, sleeplessness, and even concern from loved ones about her mental state.
- Despite not wanting a divorce, Monica ultimately filed herself after realizing she couldn’t fight alone for a marriage her husband had emotionally left.
- She spent five years preparing mentally and logistically, attending support groups like the Lilac Tree and Divorce University, and studying resources like Karen Covy’s Divorce Roadmap.
- Monica approached her divorce as a business transaction, understanding there were no do-overs and prioritizing long-term stability over emotional attachments—such as choosing not to keep the marital home.
- She did not mediate due to lack of cooperation from her ex, but her divorce was resolved through negotiations between lawyers with minimal courtroom appearances.
- Letting go of the family home was a practical decision based on maintenance costs, emotional burden, and desire for a fresh start—she chose to rent while figuring out her future.
- Post-divorce, Monica rebuilt her life with a new career, volunteering on various levels, and reclaiming independence—eventually even dating and enjoying social life again.
- She emphasized giving herself grace, encouraging others to take small steps, stop self-blame, and focus on healing rather than bitterness.
- Her journey reflects resilience and growth, moving from deep emotional pain to self-acceptance and empowerment, with an ongoing but steady healing process.
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Transcript
When Your 30 Year Marriage Falls Apart: Monica's Story
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
empowerment, preparation, healing
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Monica
Karen Covy Host
00:10
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach, author and entrepreneur. And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show.
With me today, on this very special episode of Off the Fence Stories, I have Monica, and Monica is a highly accomplished program manager, bringing expertise in program design and oversight, with focus on social responsibility initiatives. Monica divorced nearly seven years ago after a 30 plus year marriage, and she's bravely here to share her story with you, Monica welcome to the show.
Monica Guest
01:10
Karen, thank you for having me. I appreciate the opportunity and hope that I can lend a hand and ear and just some thoughts to those who are listening.
Karen Covy Host
01:21
And I know you will do that beautifully and I really appreciate it. And that's why I so wanted to have this conversation with you, because you and I go back a few years, shall we say, and I know a little bit about your story, but especially because you had the courage to divorce after a long-term marriage. I think that makes your story different, special, inspirational. So, let's take it back and let's start at the beginning, when you were in the throes of should I stay or should I go? What was your life like at that point?
Monica Guest
02:01
Ooh, extremely difficult, extremely challenging. My physician at one point offered to put me on anti-anxiety medication. My sister was concerned that I was suicidal. I couldn't eat, sleep, work. I had very, very, very rough moments of just saying why, how? What do I do next? Because, as you stated, it was a long-term marriage, my first love. I met him when I was 17. I have literally never lived on my own until now. I went from my parents' home to the dorm, briefly back to my mom's home while I was engaged. Then I was married.
Karen Covy Host
03:14
Wow. So the idea of leaving the marriage and leaving the life that you had built and the only life you knew, had to be even extra scary for you.
Monica Guest
I was always someone to someone. I was someone's daughter, someone's employee, someone's girlfriend, someone's fiancé, someone's wife, someone's mother. So, like many women many people, but mostly women I was always dead last. Everyone else's wherewithal came before mine. Everyone else was filtered through the decision of how does this affect someone else, and I gave up job opportunities. I gave up promotions for the sake of my family. I gave up promotions for the sake of my family.
Karen Covy Host
04:06
And how did you know so? When you found yourself in that position, where you were, well, what were you thinking about? Were you thinking about divorce? Were you thinking about separation? Were you thinking about just what am I going to do with my life? What were you thinking and what were you feeling at that point, when you were so low, when your doctor was talking about putting you on medication, when you knew things weren't right? But what were you thinking of and what gave you the courage to actually do something about it?
Monica Guest
04:46
Oh, my goodness. I wish that I could say that it was an easy decision. I wish that I could say it was a desired decision. I actually fought for my marriage. I did not want to be divorced. I really took the vow seriously and intended till death do us part. I suggested counseling, I suggested do we need to separate? And unfortunately, a decision had already been made for me that this was no longer a union. And you literally come to a point of why am I fighting for a marriage that the other person does not want? It isn't a marriage any longer. When you literally say don't do this to us, don't do this to us, don't do this to our family, and it doesn't go anywhere, you get to the point of saying what am I holding on to? Literally, that was my question to myself why am I fighting so hard to hold on to someone who is already out the door, who has shown no interest?
Karen Covy Host
06:09
Well, when that happened, when your husband said I want a divorce or I'm divorcing you, or whatever it was that he said, from that point, what happened? I mean, did he go ahead and file right away and now you just had to deal with it, or did it take some time between then and when the divorce process actually started?
Monica Guest
06:35
He actually did not file. I did.
Karen Covy Host
Okay, tell me how that happened.
Monica Guest
06:37
He never stated I want a divorce. It was just simply there was a time of it's not going anywhere. Often, I was met with silence, which is the hardest of all to be met with silence. I knew I was unhappy, I knew he was unhappy, but I also thought this is a lull, this is a bump, this is a midlife crisis. This is just one of those times of you've had more ups than downs. Give it some time. That time actually was years in the making and that roller coaster was years. At one point I had gone through the lilac tree, a support group, and went to divorce university and Karen's smiling, because one of the things I always will appreciate is the chance to say that I actually ordered her roadmap the 1.0 version. I understand you're now in what 3.0?
Karen Covy Host
07:55
The Divorce Roadmap. The online program is now in its 3.0 version. So that was a few years ago.
Monica Guest
08:02
Right, and I actually started at that juncture in 2012, thinking I need to start figuring out what to do if it gets to this point. I'm hoping that it won't, but I need to know what to do.
Karen Covy Host
08:20
I filed in 2017.
Karen Covy Host
08:24
Whoa. So it was five years of trying to figure out what am I going to do before you finally took the plunge and filed.
Monica Guest
08:34
Right, Because it was extremely challenging. I was walking on eggshells every day of what did I do wrong? How can I make this better? What's wrong with me? Why am I not enough to fight for? That was the hardest thing. But I will never forget a male friend once telling me it's not about you Just because another person doesn't see your value doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Karen Covy Host
09:18
That's beautiful, that is really something. But look, part of the reason that I really wanted you to be here to share your story is because you are not the only one. I talked to so many people who are stuck in that Do I stay or do I go? How do I make it better? I take my vows seriously. I don't want to leave, but this is miserable and they stay in that space for a very long time. They stay on the fence a very, very long time. But what you did and the way you went about trying to gather information and figure out how you could get through this process first, before you were in the middle of it, was brilliant. It's exactly the way that people they should be thinking about divorce I mean not that anyone should be thinking about divorce, but if you are facing it, what you did is so important because you were starting to get information, understand the system and get yourself prepared right.
Monica Guest
10:27
Oh, Karen, I went to divorce university twice. Oh, my goodness In 2022, when I thought this may actually happen, I need to know what to do, and it validated some of what I knew and what I thought some of what I knew and what I thought. But I did it again in 2017, before I actually filed, and said this is not getting any better.
Karen Covy Host
10:58
Where they say hope is not a strategy Boy. Is that true? Yeah, for those people who are listening, who might not, or watching, who might not be familiar with Divorce University or the Lilac Tree, I'll just put a plug in for them here, and you know, just a free plug. But the Lilac Tree is a woman support group or organization from that that's operated out of Evanston, Illinois, and once a year they put on a program called Divorce University and back, Monica, when you did it was live and in person, and I've been part of the Lilac Tree and Divorce University for a very long time. They're an amazing organization.
11:36
Now I was a speaker at the latest Divorce University. It runs in the spring, now it's once a year, and it's virtual. So the awesome part about that is you can. You know it appeals to people from all over the country.
11:50
You don't have to physically go anywhere, because that was a part of the challenge that people had is, if they didn't want to be seen, they had. You know, what did they do? They had to get there somehow. So now everything is virtual and they've got two full days of programming and when you sign up you get access to that programming for I think it's 90 days. It's more than just the one day. So, it's a really awesome program and they're opening it up to men as well. So if anyone's watching or listening and thinking about it, you might want to check out the lilactree.org We'll link to that in the show notes too because they have really good programming and really good support groups for people. And it sounds like you went through that a couple of times. And then, after that, what finally gave you the nudge or the courage or the impetus to say, yeah, I have to do this.
Monica Guest
12:52
It's time I have to do this. It's time because I didn't see any reason not to. I was not given any positivity, any encouragement that it was going to change. I was literally going downhill that people that didn't even know me could look at me and say are you all right? Now, when you have it so on your face that people know that that there is something dreadfully wrong, and I had to do it for my son to just say I can't keep he or I in this situation any longer. It's not fair to me, it's certainly not fair to him. Yeah, heaven knows, I don't want this. But not wanting it doesn't make it so. And at this point, when I went through a second time, and even when you say a plug when I ordered the roadmap, I so appreciated that because it actually made me know my approach was a correct one.
14:16
The one thing I always tell anyone is there is love, but love is not in the courtroom. Love has nothing to do with what's happening when you're doing this. This is strictly business, this is strictly the ending of a contract. Now, believe me, I cried every day. I cried every night, but when it came time to business, my lawyer even said you're one of my better ones because of how you're approaching this. She said I can see it's hurting you, but she said but you've got a hell of an approach. And I said that's because I know this is what I have to do. I know I've got one shot at doing this.
Karen Covy Host
15:05
That's something that's really important and I've heard that from other clients before and I think it's an important message for people to hear which is there are no do-overs in this right. You either get it right the first time or you didn't get it right. So what did you? So you went to Divorce University. You did the Divorce Roadmap Program. What else did you do to get yourself in the best position possible to get through your divorce and make your one shot your best shot?
Monica Guest
15:41
I gathered my facts and I prioritized what I wanted, for example, the house. Where so many people say I want the house and they're fighting tooth and nail for the house, I went into it automatically saying I do not want the house. Why I was living in a three bedroom, two and a half bathroom, three car garage home. I am not a handy person. I was fortunate in that the house was almost paid for, so it was bittersweet to let go of a house that I finished paying for. By the way, that the house is nearly paid for, but I was keeping in mind it's too big, there's too many things I don't know about and don't know what to do. And keeping in mind I live in a house that we brought from the original owners when it was two years old. 20 years later, what do you think is about to happen?
Karen Covy Host
16:55
Yeah, you know, I love this because you're so practical, right, and it's something. This is what a lot of people, especially women. Women, want to keep the house for a variety of reasons, right, but they don't think about exactly what you did think about Like, okay, the roof is 20 years old, the appliances are old, the this is old. I'm going to have to do work that I can't do, so I'm going to have to hire people, and where am I going to get them and where am I going to get the money? There is a lot involved in keeping the house over and above just hey, can I afford to buy my spouse out?
Monica Guest
17:34
Right. And when people think, oh well, but you were mortgage free. Well, yes, but there's still insurance, there's still taxes, there's still maintenance. When you have a house, there's always something that's going to happen.
Karen Covy Host
17:52
Right.
Monica Guest
17:53
And I knew that and I thought do I want to live in a house? No, I don't. And not only do I not want to live in a house, I don't want to live in a house that has the memories that I brought to it, saying we're a family, this was going to be my forever home. I don't want to live there with certain memories. I want and need a fresh start. I could have bought a condo or a townhouse. I didn't want to.
18:24
I rent Because I thought you know what, I don't know what I want right now. So, since I don't know what I want, I will rent. That gives me time to figure it out. Something goes wrong. I pick up the phone and call someone. I don't have to take care of insurance. I don't have to take care of maintenance. I don't have to take care of taxes. If I decide I don't want to live here anymore, I give them notice, I move on. And it gives me time to do that where, if I buy again now, I've got to be really sure this is where I want to be. And again, if I buy, I'm buying it myself. And is this what I want to do with my money, versus investing it?
Karen Covy Host
19:11
Yeah, that's a really good point. I think a lot of people, especially if they weren't the one who handled the personal finances don't really think about what's the time value of money. Right, if I take this money and invest it, I'll get potentially X as a rate of return versus if I put it in the house. I'm just hoping the house appreciates in value, and most of the time they do, but we both remember 2008. It wasn't so. You know. It wasn't so clear back then what happens? You know that the property values always go up. So I think you made some really really wise decisions. So how did this go? Once you decided, yeah, I'm going to do this? How did you manage to get through the process and get to the end so you could move on? I mean, did you use litigation? Did you mediate? How did you do this and why did you choose what you chose?
Monica Guest
20:17
I chuckle. Whenever I read in a Facebook support group or anywhere else, about people who use litigation, I chuckle, I marvel and I'm also envious. I wish I had been in a position to mediate. I that I had to go. I did not want to. As a matter of fact, I remember saying when I first filed, even before I filed let's do everything we can do to save it. If, however, we can't, let's at least be civil to each other, because that's the right thing to do and because of what we once meant to each other. That was my approach, but when you're not met with the same approach, you're not going to be able to mediate. Now, I was fortunate in that, although I was in court, I didn't have to stay in court a lot. I literally was only before the judge twice.
Karen Covy Host
21:42
Okay, what do you mean when you say you didn't have to stay in court a lot? What happened? What do you mean?
Monica Guest
21:47
Because, basically, the lawyers two great people, they talked amongst themselves quite a bit and actually they were the ones that brokered a deal, including the judge. So literally we talked back and forth beforehand, we talked in court and they went back in the back, did whatever it is that they did, came back, the deal was made. The next time I was before the judge, I was getting divorced.
Karen Covy Host
22:20
Wow
Monica Guest
22:21
So yeah. I filed in 2017. I was divorced in 2018.
Karen Covy Host
22:26
That's wonderful, and I think this is also an important message for people to hear, because litigation, I mean it gets a bad rap, rightly so. I mean nobody wants to fight like crazy in court, but sometimes, like to your point, if you have to use the system and you've got two professionals who are reasonable, you can use the system and still get through it. It's not a perfect way, but it's not a horrible way either. You don't have to fight to the death just because you're in court if you can get the lawyers to help you broker a deal. And guess what? Everybody - judges want you to settle. They want to help broker a deal because they've got enough to do. They don't need to be trying every case that's in front of them. Actually they can't, there's too many of them, right. So the judge was probably super happy that he or she was able to get you to settle.
Monica Guest
23:24
I remember being in tears both times in the courtroom, particularly the last time, thinking it was so anticlimactic. It was like it all ended with a whimper. You think that's it.
Karen Covy Host
23:42
I had clients over the course of my legal career, when I was actively practicing, that we'd walk out of the courtroom. I'd just divorce them. And that's what they would ask me like am I done? Is that it? And it is. And I would tell people this is going to be the most anticlimactic thing you have ever seen in your life.
Monica Guest
24:05
And it's horrible because when people liken it to a death, that I think is one of the best descriptions. It is a death that you are mourning over and, over and over. It's been, as I said, I divorced in 2018. I'm going to, I'm heading into year seven. There are still triggers for me. There are times that I still think shoulda, coulda, woulda. Why didn't I see it sooner? Why did I let it go on so long, volunteered? But I doubled down on that and I did it to take the focus off of me, to say I still have a way that I can contribute and be productive, because I felt so low. I felt absolutely worthless.
Karen Covy Host
25:07
wow, and, and I can tell you from knowing you and how much you do contribute to the world. That is so not true. But it's one thing for me to say it, it's another for you to feel it.
Monica Guest
25:25
Exactly, and that's it. And that's why I, when you say contributing with a support group that I'm in, I tell people I said you know what? Be graceful, be grateful, be appreciative, but give yourself grace as well. If all you can do is go make yourself a cup of coffee, do that, but my God, do something for yourself. But then take the focus off yourself, because it's not just about you. Yeah, even if you just go for a walk for 30 minutes, you say I'm going to heat up a can of soup, there is still something that you can do and there's only so much time that you can wallow that. Eventually it gets to the point of it's not going to change anything for me to bad mouth another person. It's not going to change anything for me to say what I should have done. I did what I did at the time because that's what made sense to me then. But I also know I no longer want to stay in this particular point. I do still have a life to live.
Karen Covy Host
26:37
And I want to talk about that for a second. Because you know you have just blossomed since then and that is so important for people to see when they're in the beginning of the process, because everything looks dark, everything looks bleak. Tell me about how you've rebuilt a life since your divorce.
Monica Guest
26:58
Oh goodness, I have a brand-new career now. I love where I work, enjoy the people I work with, have a very short commute, so I can't complain there. I'm more than doing my volunteer work on a local, regional and national scale. I have finally gotten to the point of saying I'm no longer going to rip a man's head off if he speaks to me.
Karen Covy Host
27:29
That's a good thing. The men of the world probably appreciate that.
Monica Guest
27:34
Because there was a point that it's like don't speak to me, don't look at me, I will rip you to pieces, and I know that you always hear. You can't make everyone else pay for what one person did. I know that, I get that, I understand that, but you also have to be in the right head space Earlier. When you said, wow, what a length of time between 2012 and 2017 before you filed, that's because my head and my heart were not aligned. Intellectually, I knew it was limping. Intellectually, I knew it was done but, my heart wouldn't let it go.
28:22
And now I can say I enjoy my life, I volunteer, I go out for concerts, I go out and do things by myself. There was a point I would not have done that. Now I look and see what's happening. I don't need anybody to go with me.
28:41
Look at you and I got the biggest chuckle. I had mentioned to you before that there's this new phenomenon when they say the Cougars are out there, the Cubs are coming after the Cougars. The last three guys who hit on me have been my son's age and I'm thinking are you kidding? My sister said, go for it. I said, oh God, no, I can't look across the table and see my son.
29:12
But it actually is a wonderful stroke to the female ego because I can say it's been so many years and I do mean years since I felt like a woman that it's wonderful, that, even though I won't reciprocate it and have it, it's nice to be able to get that. And I'm also discovering an entire world I never knew because, since I never dated, I didn't know how many very interesting men there are out there Not necessarily good, interesting, but the stories that you say is this really what we do? A gentleman who asked for my number and when he pulled his phone up and I saw his ring and said, well, how long have you been married? And he said 40 years Exactly, I was actually astounded that I didn't want to give him my number and I said, well, I really don't think your wife would appreciate this conversation.
Karen Covy Host
30:18
Oh my goodness.
Monica Guest
30:19
And I'm thinking, is this really what happens? And I've had a few friends of mine. They said, Monica, you haven't seen anything yet. They said there are so many men out there that are doing what you would consider scandalous things you don't realize. Unfortunately, that's what happens because you were never in that world. Remember, I met my ex when I was 17, yeah, so I don't know how to date.
Karen Covy Host
30:48
But you're learning.
Monica Guest
30:49
I don't even know. I don't even know when I'm being approached. Sometimes I've been told.
Karen Covy Host
30:51
Well, okay, but you've got to take into consideration where you were along in the journey, like if you were in the stage where you wanted to rip a guy's head off and he was trying to ask you out. I'm thinking you didn't catch that clue.
Monica Guest
31:09
Probably not. And I'm thinking have I healed? I don't know that healed would be the word, because healed makes it seem like there's a punctuation, part, it's done, it's never being revisited. I would say I'm healing and I'm definitely over the hump with it, because I'm no longer angry, I'm no longer resentful, I'm no longer questioning, I've accepted that his decision was not about me, that I was a decent person. And again, you can want something different. That's fine.
32:07
It's just the approach that's being used. I wish that it had been kinder and gentler, that we could have had more of a mediation type, but I'm no longer saying it's my fault.
Karen Covy Host
32:20
And that's a beautiful thing, and I think we're all works in progress, so to speak. But, Monica, I appreciate your coming here and sharing your story. I know so many people are going to listen to it and I think they're going to be as inspired as I am, because you are inspiring. You're amazing.
Monica Guest
32:43
Thank you. What I will tell anyone listening is you will go through it and you will go through it and you will go through it and you will go through it and you will go through it, but how you know you're healing. The triggers don't happen as often. They don't take you down as low. They don't take you down as often. That's how you know you're healing.
Karen Covy Host
33:18
Yeah, wise advice. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate it, and for those of you who are out there, who are watching, who are listening, if you enjoyed Monica's story, if you want to hear more stories just like this, then do me a big favor, leave a comment, let me know. Like this episode, subscribe to the podcast, subscribe to the YouTube channel and I look forward to talking with you again next time.
