Episode Description - How My Husband's Affair Transformed Our Marriage [for Good!]
What if the most painful moment in your marriage became the catalyst for its rebirth?
In 2018 Jenny Townsend was the founder of an award-winning music academy and a successful businesswoman. She was also stressed out, burned out, and found out her husband was cheating. It was then that she realized she had a choice: Throw in the towel on her marriage and the life she’d worked so hard to build, or stay and try to heal and rebuild, not just her marriage, but herself.
In this raw and deeply honest conversation, Jenny unpacks the complex aftermath of her husband’s betrayal and the emotional toll it took on her. She also shares not only what broke her marriage, but also the intentional, step-by-step work she did to bring back to life.
Today, Jenny and her husband describe their relationship as their "second marriage" - stronger and more fulfilling than their first.
Whether you're trying to heal after infidelity, or just wondering what it takes to save a marriage that’s on the brink of divorce, this conversation will leave you thinking about love, forgiveness, and the power of owning your story.
Show Notes
About Jenny
Jenny Alday Townsend is a keynote speaker, podcaster, Amazon Best Selling author, and thriving businesswoman focused on inspiring individuals to achieve balance in both their professional lives and marriage. Having experienced and triumphed over her own marital challenges, she penned the book Stroke It is a means of providing support to others facing similar struggles. Jenny is the proud proprietor of Music Compound, a renowned music academy that has garnered accolades such as Best Woman-Owned Business and Small Business of the Year. In recognition of her outstanding achievements, Jenny was honored with the Entrepreneur of the Year award in 2019. Now happily married, Jenny takes pleasure in traveling, savoring delectable cuisine, and cherishing quality time spent with loved ones.
Connect with Jenny
You can connect with Jenny on LinkedIn at Jenny Adlay Townsend and on Facebook at Jenny Adlay Townsend. You can follow Jenny on Instagram at Jenny Adlay Townsend and on YouTube at Jenny Townsend. To find out more about Jenny’s work visit her website at Jenny Alday Townsend where you can also download 4 Ground Rules to Enhance Your Life.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Jenny
- Jenny Townsend launched her dream music school in 2016 but became so consumed with her business that she neglected her marriage, working constantly while her husband felt ignored and unloved.
- In February 2018, Jenny discovered her husband was having an affair with a coworker - something she had suspected for years but ignored due to her business focus.
- Both spouses took ownership of their roles in the marriage breakdown - Jenny for prioritizing business over marriage, her husband for seeking fulfillment elsewhere instead of communicating his needs.
- They separated for 3-4 months, during which Jenny focused on self-discovery through counseling, journaling, acupuncture, and understanding her own identity beyond work.
- Her husband quit his job to cut all contact with the affair partner, leaving Jenny to support them financially while her business was still growing.
- They discovered fundamental mismatches in how they expressed and received love - he needed quality time and physical touch, while she showed love through acts of service.
- They moved to a one-bedroom apartment, scheduled regular date nights and intimacy time, and created structured time for meaningful conversations without distractions.
- It took over a year for Jenny to genuinely forgive and commit to rebuilding, moving from accepting his apology in late 2018 to fully committing in December 2019.
- They now prioritize their relationship with morning routines together, 5 dinners per week, and maintain intimate communication - describing their current marriage as better than their original one.
- The crisis forced Jenny to delegate more at work, ultimately creating better work-life balance and allowing her team to step up while she became more present at home.
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Transcript
How My Husband's Affair Transformed Our Marriage [for Good!]
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
forgiveness, love languages, balance, responsibility
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Jenny Townsend
Karen Covy Host
00:10
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach, author and entrepreneur. And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show.
With me today, I have the immense pleasure of speaking with Jenny Alday Townsend, and Jenny is a keynote speaker, podcaster, amazon bestselling author and thriving businesswoman focused on inspiring individuals to achieve balance in both their professional lives and their marriages.
01:00
Having experienced and triumphed over her own marital challenges, Jenny penned the book Stroke It as a means of providing support to others facing similar struggles. Jenny is also the proud proprietor of Music Compound, a renowned music academy that's garnered accolades such as Best Woman-Owned Business and Small Business of the Year. In recognition for her outstanding achievements, Jenny was honored with the Entrepreneur of the Year Award in 2019. Now happily married, Jenny takes pleasure in traveling, savoring delectable cuisine and cherishing quality time spent with her loved ones. Jenny, welcome to the show.
Jenny Townsend Guest
01:38
Thank you so much, Karen. I'm excited to be here with your listeners today. Thank you everyone for tuning in today.
Karen Covy Host
01:46
Yeah, I am so excited for our conversation because you have a different way of approaching the world and looking at life and marriage, and I can't wait for you to share it. And I want to talk about your book, the title of which is Stroke It, which is intriguing, and I want to get into what that means to you. But first let's start with your backstory, especially as it relates to your marriage. Tell me a little bit, if you can, about your business and your marriage and share your journey with the listeners.
Jenny Townsend Guest
02:16
Well, thank you so much for having me. So I'll start with in 2009. In 2009, I was just graduating college. It was later in my 20s. It was after the real estate market had crashed and I had to go back to college to get my bachelor's. I only had an associate's degree, and it was during that time that I was able to create a business plan as my final semester project in order to get my degree, and that was a music school for children with an interest in playing musical instruments, connecting with individuals. And so I graduated, and around that time, I met my now husband, back in 2009., and I told him yes, one day I'm going to start this music school. And so we continued dating, got married and then, in 2015, I quit my corporate job to work on the funding to launch my dream business, launched in 2016, super excited, happily married, and I was ready to take on the world.
03:12
About two years into that business, which is my music school, I became faced with depletion, exhaustion not being appreciated, fighting with team members, and I met with a mentor and he's like you really need to take a sabbatical. And I was, like you want me to walk out of my business, what? And so really, really scary time. I had just hired an individual, that October, who was 18 years of age, and I said okay, Kaylee, it's up to you. Good luck, you've got the reins of the company. I'll see you in January. And she looked at me like what? So it was, she was 18.
03:49
And then that little assistant we had was 16 at the time and I left, and it was during that time that I really saw the writing on the wall. I'd always speculated that something was going on with my husband and with a coworker of his, but I could never put my finger on it. I never really wanted to see what was happening, because I was so in love with my company, it was providing smiles and it was impacting me. I was seeing all these dreams turn into reality and just all the smiles and just it was so beautiful. But I quickly realized that my home life was not so much.
04:21
So spent some time at home by myself, and in February of 2018 is when I actually discovered that my worst nightmare was coming true and my husband was, in fact, having an affair with a coworker, and, um, that was in 2018. And then that started the recovery, um, from that discovery and that is when I started journaling. And then, when I asked my husband why and what happened and all the things, it was, she stroked him. So that is what inspired the book and the work that I'm doing today. She stroked him emotionally, mentally and physically and basically I've taken that concept and applied it to all areas of my life and I know we're going to kind of dive into the thought process and how we got here, but, to let you know, we are celebrating 12 years of marriage in May and our marriage is better than it's ever been and it took a lot of work, self reflection and it's been an entire journey that I'm looking forward to sharing with all of your listeners today.
05:23
And a lot of people that had been through it said if you can make it through this, that'll be the best decision. And when you're faced with finding out the person that you're in love with and you're married to has betrayed you and has involved somebody else in your marriage, it's really hard to see that light in the tunnel. So, but yeah, and during that time I thought I was going to have to give up my business or give up my marriage, and I today have the best of both worlds. Both of those are thriving and super successful, and both making me very, very happy.
Karen Covy Host
05:55
That is an amazing story and thank you for sharing it Because I talked to so many people who their marriage there is a third person in their marriage. Somebody is having an affair and I'll be honest with you, most of those stories don't have a happy ending. And what fascinates me about you is because you are a strong, successful businesswoman. You built this thriving company that was your baby and you have now also built at the same, alongside of that, a thriving marriage. So it's entirely possible, and it's also possible, to come back from an affair, but that is not an easy journey. So, if you don't mind sharing a little bit about how did you do it, how did you get over? I mean, I can only imagine the hurt and the pain and the you know the disappointment with the whole thing. How did you deal with that?
Jenny Townsend Guest
06:51
So, first and foremost, I had to take ownership of my role and my husband had to do the same. So it was very clear to me and to other people that we were close to that. Things were happening with outside of my marriage that I wasn't either aware of or I didn't have control of, and I remember my mom calling me and saying you know, you really need to take care of your man. And my aunt would call me and say that doesn't seem normal. And they were just questioning me and they were giving me advice versus saying, hey, I think your husband's cheating on you. Like they would not say that.
07:25
And I was so caught up in my own world. I was being so fulfilled by my business. I mean, it was like a baby. It was a dream come true for me. I had been dreaming of opening this music school since 2009. I have worked really hard as far as developing the plan, launching the business, and I was so fulfilled that I really wasn't feeling the absence of my marriage or my husband. I was so focused on that company and the success of it and I, as an entrepreneur, developed a 135. Where do I want to be in one year, three years and five years, and what's that success going to look like and how is my life going to look? And I really just leaned into that 110% and I gave it all, and I'm glad that I did, because if I didn't, my company wouldn't be where it is today. I mean, it could be similar, it would just be different but at the same time, like the company is successful because of those first few years that I put everything into it.
08:20
So when I discovered, or when I actually like saw the writing on the roll and came focused and like in tune with it, it wasn't like I was surprised by it because there had been so many signs and we had been fighting about this young individual for over two years in our marriage. I mean, the first incident that this happened was in 2015, actually before I started my company. This happened was in 2015, actually before I started my company, and so it was like, oh, finally, the proof is there. But it hit me so hard because it was like, oh, my God, I was right all along and we had spent so much time fighting and he had been denying and making me think I was crazy and all the things that someone that is cheating on someone would make you feel like I'm the one that's delusional. And come to find out I was right all along. So in that moment I became very angry. I was really, really angry at him, I was really angry with her and I was really angry with myself, because I didn't fight hard enough for my marriage, I allowed the lies to be told to me, I just dismissed all the warning signs and, quite frankly, I just let him keep getting away with it. And so at that point there was a lot of anger, and so we decided separate right now, let's just separate, because that's what you do, I guess.
09:36
And so during that timeframe I took a lot of time to work on myself. Who am I? Who am I without my husband? Who am I without my company? Who do I want to be? What do I like to do? Do I have any hobbies? Do I like to read? Do I like to travel?
09:53
And when it came down to it, I didn't really have anything other than my company. And that's when I was like, okay, that needs to be put on hold for a minute and I need to really take some time for myself. So I started seeking counseling. I did singing, bowl classes, I went, did acupuncture and through that process I was able to discover who I was as a woman and I had realized I was in a lot of masculine energy. I was the boss, I was very cold, I was very business, I was just. There was not much of a relationship with myself, much less my husband as well, and so during that track and that recovery state, I started journaling, and the journaling is really what helped me. Prior to journaling, I was really sick, because when you go through all these emotions, you store them, and so I stored everything in my shoulders, where I couldn't even move my arm at a point of time and I was seeking doctors, chiropractic, and then my acupuncturist was like your body isn't going to heal until we heal your heal, your mind and your heart. And that's where I went on a journey of doing acupuncture, kinesiology and a couple other things and really started journaling, and the journaling is really what helped process the emotions. It got out things I was able to express myself without saying anything to anyone, and I would say the journaling was a really pivotal point for me and that's really what led to the book and the podcast and all the other things which I turned this horrible story into something super beautiful and sweet.
11:28
But first of all, like going back to your original question was taking ownership. How was I showing up in my marriage? How was I showing up for me? I had to accept the facts. I had to accept, like this is what happened. You know, when this happens to you, you're like I want to know where. When did it happen? You know all of the details. And my therapist said Jenny, it happened. It happened once. It could have happened a hundred times, but at the end of the day, your husband broke the vow, he cheated on you, he involved another person in your marriage. This happened. It doesn't matter all the details, just focus on the fact that it happened and let's work on that. And so I had to work through that. I had to accept my husband's apology, which is super hard to do as well.
Karen Covy Host
12:11
Let me stop you there, because that's a place where a lot of women or it's not just women, but the person who was the cheated on spouse, not the cheater, but the cheated on and it's so hard to accept that apology because you can't do it genuinely unless you're willing to let go of your anger and you said you had a lot of anger against your husband. How did you get to the point where you could authentically put that aside and say, no, I don't, I don't want to be in that angry space anymore.
Jenny Townsend Guest
12:47
So this all went down February of 2018. I don't believe that I accepted the apology until probably October of November of that year. Um, that's when I said, okay, let's try to make it work. And that's where we kind of like moved back in together and all those things. And when I accepted the apology, I was still very much triggered and I would lash out and I would take digs and I would always bring up the other person.
13:17
Um, so, as much as I accepted the apology to like figure out how to move forward, I don't know if I genuinely completely did until it was like mid 2019. And that's when I decided to get a place by myself and really go and work on the future and I had to make a decision because I didn't want to enter 2020 still on the fence. I really wanted to make a decision with my marriage. And that was December of 2019. And that's when I, my marriage and with myself, was I in or was I out? And that was December of 2019. And that's when I came home and I said, honey, I love you, I want to be married to you, I want to forgive you, and I think that's when, really, I was able to start moving forward and my husband and I were both able to be in tandem and work together to start rebuilding the marriage. So I would say it took about a year, year and a half, to really get to that mindset.
Karen Covy Host
14:08
Yeah, and I think that's an important thing for the listeners to understand is that it's not like somebody comes in and waves a magic wand and all of a sudden, all the pain, all the hurt, all the anger just goes away. But at the same time, for the people who try to just push it aside and cover it up and oh no, I'm fine, I'm fine Like that doesn't work either. And so it sounds like you took a lot of steps and did a lot of things to work on both yourself and the marriage. But I'm curious what you know during this time. Well, first of all, you said you separated. How long were you separated?
Jenny Townsend Guest
14:50
So we were separated, probably for like three months, maybe four months, not living together. So we basically split our house. So one week he would live there, one week I would live there. We did that for probably like six or eight weeks, because he would go to his friend's house and live there, or he would go and live at his parents house and then I would go and stay at my aunt's house or I would go and stay at my mom's house. And then I was after that. I was like I need to just move out. I can't keep doing this because so many emotions and you're back in the house and then you're like was someone here when I wasn't here or you know just so many things? And that's literally I had to move.
15:31
So I moved in with my aunt for about three months and I ended up going home in January of 2019 because my aunt had company coming into town and she needed her guest room, and so I went home for just going to be for a weekend, and he was like I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving, I'm staying. This is a time where we can talk and bond and kind of figure out where we're going to go in 2018. And so I came home and we spent a lot of time talking. But I was only going to come home if he signed off on my business. And I was like I will allow you to stay if you sign off on my business and don't take 50% of it. And I had him sign some other documents as well and because we never did like a prenup, you know, and then it was like I never did a postnup, and then it was like you know, I'm only gonna, and my business meant the world to me, like that was the priority, and so I wanted to protect that asset as much as possible.
16:24
And so I came home and then we started talking and then we still weren't really going to get back together. And then we listed our house and then we sold our house and mid 2019. And when we sold our house, we still weren't really ready to give up on our marriage. So we're like, okay, let's move downtown to a one bedroom apartment where we can afford the rent if one of us moves out. And moving to a one bedroom apartment was almost like we got to date.
16:51
We were kind of on vacation. We went out to dinner, we went to the pool, there wasn't a yard to mess with. There wasn't the trash to have to fight over. There wasn't like did you clean this area? And really I think that was a really pivotal point in our marriage was mid 2019, where we could just really get back to who we were and we both had committed to each other. You know, I had a lot of balance in my life. I wasn't working as much and I think that's kind of like where the pivotal point was of like trying to rebuild. But still at the end of 2019, I was like Am I really ready to forgive?
17:24
Because you really want to hold on to that, because you really want to oh yeah, and I don't know why you want to hold on to it, but it's like you want to hold this over them because they caused you so much pain and they should have to pay for it, and like there's no sweeping this under the rug, mister.
Karen Covy Host
17:45
But if you want to, make it work and you want to be able to move forward. You can't have that mentality? But I'm curious too, because this is your side of this. I'm sure he has a side as well. But at some point he had to make a decision that he was going to end the relationship with the affair partner. How did that fit into this whole scenario?
Jenny Townsend Guest
18:06
Yeah, so well. First of all, they work together. So that was a dynamic that had to change immediately. And so this happened, the discovery happened in February and he had to go back to work with her. And that was really hard for me, cause I'm like I'm basically sending you back to the woman that broke our marriage up, and then he had to work with her every day, and then, at this point, I'm really angry.
18:30
So something had happened, with some correspondence, with an email or something, that I was like you have to quit your job. And at this point I wasn't even paying myself yet. I was just still, you know, living off of him while my company was trying to thrive in this moment. So he basically had to quit his job, had to give up his income, had to give up our insurance, and then I had to start paying myself, and then I had to take over all the house bills and I had to take over everything. That was another like wait a minute, you fucked or screwed this up and now I have to pay the price, like financially and in addition to emotionally and mentally, and like that was a really hard pill to swallow. However, I was able to do it because, at the end of the day, we both played a part. We both created this mess, we both created this dismantle of our marriage and we both wanted to make it work.
19:27
But him having to quit his job was super, super hard and to my knowledge, it just ended. And you know, she was also very upset with him because she thought he was going to leave me and that they were going to get married and all these things. So he broke both of our hearts and so that was a really big struggle for him and he felt really bad for her. He felt really bad for me. I mean, he had a lot of depression, he had a big drinking problem. At one point I thought he was going to kill himself and I mean, like he just went down a rabbit hole and his parents are still married and they're still alive and they're very much aware of what's happening. So he was just such a disappointment to so many people.
20:05
Um, but that was his own issues and he had to deal with that. I had to deal with me, he had to deal with himself. So we had to, like, really be on our own recovery tracks, which was very different because we were on different sides of this fence and so, um, it was just. It was just a horrible journey and just a lot of struggles. So grateful that we were able to make it through it, because I think if we would have just thrown in the towel, I don't know if we ever would have fully recovered and be able to forgive ourselves, much less the other person, and being able to ever really be happy. I think there would have been a lot of resentment and a lot of just anger, and a lot of that would have ling of just anger, and a lot of that would have lingered still within us
Karen Covy Host
21:00
Yeah, I, and what you're saying is so important because I think it really is the key to recovery is that you were each willing to own your own part of in the demise of your marriage. up to that point, right, and it's so easy when you're the person that was cheated on to go. It is not. What do you mean? My responsibility, my fault, what are you talking about? You're the one who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? So what was it that helped? Open you up to the possibility that you played a role in this as well?
Jenny Townsend Guest
21:24
Well, I always knew that I was contributing to it. I mean the fact that my company was my world, my everything, and I told everybody that. You know, you start a company and you're like I'm going to risk it all. Like you know, I had nothing to lose. Well, I thought I had nothing to lose. You know, I was thinking I have nothing to lose financially because I didn't really have anything when I was starting my company, but I didn't realize that my marriage was on the line. You know, when we talked about me quitting my job and starting my company, there was a well thought out plan and this was like where we were going to be.
21:56
Unfortunately, because of my husband's needs and his love, languages and upbringing, he needed more than I thought he needed and I wasn't able to give him everything that he needed, and so what he had to do was replace that and find that, and what I'm talking is about. He requires a lot of quality time, he requires a lot of personal touch. He just requires a lot of love and affection, and that is because of his upbringing. He had very loving, affectionate parents and his mom was a teacher, so she was very much reading him bedtime stories and always touching him and rubbing him and all these things. That is not how I was brought up. I was like you have a roof over your head and we're feeding you. There's your love, chica. But my parents loved me. They did everything for me. I'm so grateful for my parents and I love my parents. My parents loved me but very different ways of showing love. So there were so many things that I just didn't know very early on in our marriage that I know now, and understanding those love languages and how he feels loved and appreciated.
23:00
I would literally get up every morning and make him a smoothie for his drive an hour commute. I would pack him a lunch. I would pack him snacks, love notes, everything Like literally sent him out the door. There you go, thinking that that was love. No, what he would have rather had was me working out in the gym with him, spending quality time with him, that time that I was making all these things for him. He would have not wanted that and rather have that quality time with me.
23:29
We didn't have those conversations. There were so many conversations we didn't have. He didn't voice his needs and to this day I'm like I don't know why you didn't tell me all of this. So, whether he didn't trust me or he didn't feel confident in himself to say that, he did always say well, I didn't want to take you from your dream and I didn't want to distract you. But the other day, if you don't tell me or your partner what you need, they don't know. We can not read their minds. And I'm a very masculine woman, like I'm very much like boss and like business and like I'm going to tell you what to do. I'm not going to come up and be like, how can I make you happy? Like I am now doing that. So there's just so many things that we've learned through this recovery stage and you know we didn't really understand each other as human beings early on in our marriage.
Karen Covy Host
24:19
How did you get to that point where you were able to have the conversations? Because what you're describing is something that a lot of people experience they don't know how to have the conversation, so they think they're having the conversation, but it's so surface level that they're really not having the conversation right. So, was it couples counseling? Was it individual therapy? Was it something else that the two of you just sat down? How did you get to the point where you could really talk to each other about the things that you cared about and mattered to you?
Jenny Townsend Guest
24:54
We had to make our marriage a priority, we had to make each other a priority and we had to trust and we had to create time and space for our marriage. We and I think this happens with a lot of people you know you're on the hamster wheel, you're working, you're having kids, you're schlepping them, you're doing laundry, you're cleaning the kitchen and you know you never create the time or the space to have those conversations. Those conversations are usually happening when you're mad, you're exhausted, you're angry and you're like I'm not happy, you don't do this and you don't take care of me, or you know you don't love me and like it's in that moment of anger really it's not in a safe space where you're like you know, I feel that I would like to spend more time with you, or I would love, when we're on the couch together, for us not to be on our phones and for us to hold hands. My husband says to me now I feel really distant from you and that's because I'm working too much or I'm doing things, and so he trusts me and he knows that I'm going to listen and I'm going to act on his request. So when he says I'm distant, I'm like okay, what can I cancel from my calendar? How can I spend more time at home? I have had to restructure my calendar where it's like, okay, I'd get two nights out a week and that means I can go hang up my friends, I go to a business function or I can go to a work, like concert or something else like that Two nights a week where I'm not at home. It doesn't matter what time I get home, I can go do my thing, and there may be like a third one as well. But I'm making sure I'm home more often and more than I am out and about with other people.
26:30
And I think the book Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman was super impactful because we were able to understand each other's love languages and how to cater to that. So his love language going back, it was quality time. So once again he didn't care about the acts of service and the gifts. He wanted that quality time in the gym together. When I'm on the couch, don't be scrolling on social posting for the company, be in tune, be present.
26:54
When we're at home having a conversation, I'm listening, I'm literally looking at him. I'm not doing anything else and I'm listening to the words that are coming out of his mouth and actually having conversation. Before I never thought my husband talked. I just thought, oh, he doesn't talk, oh my God, he does not stop talking. Now he has so much to say and a lot of that is because I was so busy talking. It was all about me and all the thing going on and all that stuff.
27:21
And you know, I'm not married to myself. I had to create space for my husband and for our relationship and I think that was a huge game changer. And we get married because we want to be with someone and we value them and we love them and we want to be a good partner and we, you know, want them to support us and we want to support them. But I think sometimes we just get lost, based on the season of life that we're in or the other things that are going on in our life. So I would encourage anyone to create the space, create the time on your calendars for connection.
27:51
You know we schedule sex dates. You know we have Freaky Friday, so Thursday you better shower the night before, do the shaving, do what you need to do, because there's no excuses for saying no the next morning. If Freaky Friday doesn't happen on Friday, then it will happen Saturday morning. So creating that time for intimacy has been super impactful, because weeks will go by and you'll be like when was the last time we were intimate? And so that is a huge part of the connection for us. Not that it's all about intimacy, but that intimacy does create a really great connection with your partner and if you are serving that partner, they're not going to go looking for that elsewhere.
Karen Covy Host
28:30
But let me ask you because all right. So what people usually say in response to scheduling a sex date is that is so unromantic. You know that's how can you? Doesn't that just take all the fun out of it?
Jenny Townsend Guest
28:47
It does not. So you know, a lot of times people say you know you'll have a partner that maybe wants to and they're like, oh, they're finessing you or whatever. But let's just say, one of the reasons you'll say no is maybe you're not showered or you're not shaved or you're not ready, or you know you're not in that mindset, or you're busy doing the dishes or you're busy doing homework with the kids. So the timing is not right. It's just like the timing's never going to be right for you to necessarily be alone, be shaved, be cleaned, be ready and feel sexual.
29:16
So we just know, so whoever wakes up that next morning they're coming over, they're starting to snuggle, and it doesn't mean like we're going straight into having sex. I mean there's snuggle time, there's kisses. You know what are you grateful for? Oh, I love you. And then it kind of goes from there, and sometimes we may go take a walk together and then come back and have breakfast and then we'll go hang out together, or it may be, you know what, just the snuggle time and holding each other is intimacy enough. We don't actually have to have sex. So once again, you're just creating that time for connection and you're being very mindful and intentional with your time together.
29:55
And you know, a lot of times a man's and for me it's personal touch too, but it's about personal touch, and so that personal touch really could just be rubbing their arms, giving them a massage. You know, my husband loves when I rub my fingers through his hair. That kind of touch is simply just. They just want to feel loved and needed, like the fact that men don't need us to snuggle with them or to give them affection. I don't know who made that up. They, a lot of them, need that and I'm sure many of you are shaking your heads. Yes, my husband's very needy. I know what you're saying, um, but I think we sometimes just dismiss that need that they have because they're a man.
Karen Covy Host
30:31
Yeah, that makes that makes a lot of sense. But I want to close what's still an open loop in my mind. So I don't know, maybe somebody else listening is having the same question. But okay, so you're at the point where your husband, you say you got to quit your job because you're still with this or you're still around the person right. So he does, he quits his job. He now has no income. All the financial burden fell a hundred percent on you, at least for some point in time. How did that shift? How did he react? Did he get I mean, at some point he must have gotten another job. What happened?
Jenny Townsend Guest
31:07
So that was. That's really hard for a man, first of all, to not have a job and not to have income, and so that was a really hit to his ego. But in the day he had no choice. If he wanted to make his marriage work with me, he had to make some serious changes, and that meant quitting his job, cutting all ties with her, and I'm really fortunate.
31:30
I will say this I don't know it's because of her, where she's from or her ethnicity, but there was no contact and I mean, maybe they connected through social, but, like, numbers were blocked. There's tons of apps so it could have been happening, but I truly don't think it was. All communication was ended, and if it did linger, I wasn't aware of it, but it didn't discourage us from making our marriage work again, and I would say I'm really fortunate about that and I'm really grateful that she just cut the ties. He cut the ties and there was no one lingering, because that's not always the case. People will reach out, they'll, stalk, they'll like, show up at places they know you're at because they saw your location on social, and so I would say that my situation is very different than a lot of other people.
32:15
So he, you know, had to cut those ties and then, yeah, he had to spend time looking for a job for a period of time. So that was really hard on him and it was hard on me too, but in the day like, if we want to make this work, we have to make changes and, yeah, it's unfortunate, but that's what we had to do and I mean it ended up working out for us. I don't think it always works out for someone, because I could have been like, okay, you have no job, you're out of the house and you would have had nowhere to live and no income, and he would have had nowhere to live and no income. I didn't do that, though. Does that answer your question?
Karen Covy Host
32:45
Yeah, yeah, no, that does so. That I mean, because at some point then he does get another job right and then he was able to even out the financial responsibilities. But you're 100% right.
33:01
A lot of times, you know, we look at it, you know, as the woman who has been cheated on. You look at this from the perspective, from our own perspective, and we don't think about the fact that it's also hard for the person who was cheating to end the affair as well, and sometimes it's the whole fatal attraction story, like the woman just doesn't go away right and that she becomes the stalker or the what have you. So the fact that things were able to be cut cleanly is really amazing and encouraging, but what I want people to hear is that it's possible, right, everybody. Because when you're asked whether you're the man, the woman, it doesn't matter when you're asked to do something that you don't want to do, something that's hard, something that's not fun, your initial reaction for a lot of people is, well, I can't, I can't. And you're proof that, yes, you can.
Jenny Townsend Guest
33:58
Yes, and I do want to add that I think if the situation was different let's just say that I was a stay-at-home mom and I was taking care of the kids and I didn't have a business or I hadn't been in the workplace for a very, very long time and my husband cheated with a coworker I think that that point that would have been very difficult for him to quit his job on the spot. That man would have to get another job, because I don't believe that if I was a stay-at-home mom I would be able to go back to work. Who's going to take care of the kids? And then I haven't been in the workplace, so who's going to hire me? That would have been a really big struggle but at the end of the day, I think if the man made the mistake within that workplace, he would have to make a move, and he would have to make a move fast to take another job, whether he liked the other company he wanted to make the move or not. I think at the end of the day he would have to take ownership of his, his decision, and make a change to the better of his family and then they would be able to move on. You know we're really fortunate because we didn't have children, and I think when I speak with women they're like you know. I think they feel so much pain for themselves, but they also feel pain for their children, even though their children don't know what the parent did. So that's like a whole nother dynamic as well.
35:13
But I do believe if you are going through this, first and foremost, focus on you. Don't place all the blame on the partner. Really take ownership of how you contributed. How did you get here? And it's going to take time to really think about how many years this has been going on, or how many years were you unhappy? Or how many years was your, your spouse, unhappy that you just dismissed it or you didn't care, and you're like, oh, we're just in this marriage until the kids get out, and that's like the worst.
35:34
It's like if you're going to be married, at least try to make it work while you're together, right, and make it a really great partnership and team, because your children are going to see the dysfunction and all of the hate between the two of you and they're never going to want to get married or they're going to think that that's normal for relationships and you're going to set a really bad example for your children. So I think every situation is completely different. So once again, we didn't have children, so I had no reason to stay. We could have totally walked out. So really, what kept us together was the fact that we could remember who we married. We loved each other and we were willing to give our marriage another shot. So I always say we're in our second marriage and our second marriage is way better than the first marriage.
Karen Covy Host
36:19
Tell me about that, Tell me about what's different now, because now that you're on the other side of things which is a place that most people don't think they can ever be, but you are and you say your second marriage is your best marriage. So tell me about what's changed, what's different now from the way it used to be.
Jenny Townsend Guest
36:40
So my parents divorced the first time when I was in sixth grade, my mom had an affair and cheated on my father and I came home from school. I got dropped off by the carpool and my house was completely empty. My mom cleaned out our house while we were at school. My dad was at work and I came home and found my dad in a rocking chair and for the first time I saw my father cry and it was one of the saddest moments of my life. And he hated her because of number one how he hurt her. But how could she come and clean out our entire house to where her kids got home from school that there was no furniture, there was no TV, and he held on to that hate for a very, very long time. Then my mom came back because my siblings were struggling and they tried to make the marriage work again and then she cheated on my dad again and then she took the half of the business again that my dad had grown. So there was so much hate and I can understand why he hated her, but so much hate throughout most of his life after that, where he could not be in the same place with her Like family functions were just unbearable for us kids. Like the only time that our parents had been together in the same place was when we all got married. That was the only place that we'd all been together. And you know, my dad was late sixties when this had happened to me and he said to me don't let the anger get ahold of you. And I had seen him hold onto so much anger and never forgive my mom and how miserable that made him feel. And even in his other marriages he wasn't even fully in that marriage because he was still stuck in that other marriage. And that really was what I didn't want to be.
38:18
I always knew I wanted to find forgiveness for my husband. I always knew that I wanted to be able to move forward from it. So having that mindset really was a guiding light to help me make decisions that would better my marriage and be able to help overcome it in through the experiences and advice from other people. And that's one thing I want to say too is make sure you talk to people that have been in the shoes before. Don't go to your friends that have never experienced this, because they're going to give you awful advice. They're going to tell you all the things and they don't know until they're in that situation. Find people that have been and you will find that a majority of the people that said, if you can make it through this, it'll be the best marriage possible.
38:57
Lean into that and other people will say, yeah, I threw in the towel and you know, I just didn't give it a shot. I wish I would have figured out a way to make it work, because we probably would have been really great together. So you have people telling you to do this and, like I said, it's really really hard. But you know, just leaning into that and staying true to who I was and who I wanted to become in the future vision of our marriage is really what I was holding on to, even though I had no guarantee that was going to happen. But because I spent so much time focusing on me and what made me happy and what fulfilled me and I was able to heal myself and my heart and my mind to where I was able to give another shot and give myself fully to my husband again. And if it didn't work out, that was okay. At least I tried and I gave 110% and if we did end up divorcing. I could sleep at night saying I gave it all, and not live in regret and wonder and what if? And all those things.
39:57
So I think having that mindset really led me and my husband to where we are today, which our marriage, like I said earlier, is our priority and we really value each other and we spend a lot of quality time together. So we have a morning routine where we go, we get up, we snuggle a little bit if I'm not snoring and he ends up on the couch and then we'll walk, work out together. We have breakfast most mornings together as well, and we make sure to have dinner together five nights a week, which that might seem crazy to people, but before I was never home. I was literally never home. So we make sure that we're spending a lot of quality time together and when we're together we're present and we are so intimate, we're so in love, like if you were to see some of the text messages that we send each other, you'd be like, oh my gosh, it's like your kids, or you're dating, and it's like no, this is marriage, this is 12 years of marriage.
40:49
Um, so, once again, I, I truly believe that you can mend most relationships, obviously if you're being abused and your, your spouse, is dealing with a lot of addiction, that's a different animal, um, but I do believe even if you've been cheated on, you can find forgiveness and you can find it in your heart to move forward. And at the end of the day, it's going to come down to who you are and working through that on yourself. You can't expect your husband to, or your spouse, whether it's male or female, husband or wife. It's really going to come down to you.
Karen Covy Host
41:21
Yeah, and I think you know. The other part of this is and it's beautiful that you're taking responsibility, because I think that's where your power really lies but it sounds like your husband also took responsibility. If he had come up with different answers to a lot of the questions or situations along the way, you might have ended up with a different result. If he said, no, I'm not going to quit my job. No, I'm not going to stop seeing her. No, I'm not going to sign off on any interest in your business, if he hadn't been willing to own his part as well as you owning your part, the result that you got might be very different 100%.
Jenny Townsend Guest
42:02
He definitely took ownership and he was very sorry. And that's the thing, too is, a lot of people were like how are you going to trust him again? I was like through time you gain that trust back and I truly believe in my husband and my husband is a good man, my husband and not that I want to make excuses because someone's like, oh, you gave him a hall pass. I'm like it's not a hall pass. I understand we're all human and we're going to make mistakes and we all have needs and if those needs are not being fulfilled, we're going to find a way to fulfill them, whether that's with our current partner or with another partner. So I was able, like I said, to remember the great qualities that made me attracted to my husband and really that's what I focused on. I focused on the strengths and the pros, not so much the cons. And my husband, like through the journey, like there was, I was triggered.
42:53
So the individual's name of this young woman is the same name as my sister and my right hand at my company and oh, that was really hard. So I'd be like you're, you're Katie, you're my Katie. It'd be like it was really challenging and even like for years, like if there was a character in a movie that had that same name, I would be triggered. Or if they're, if they looked like her. So, um, she is asian descent. So if I saw an Asian person, I'd be like we went on a cruise, of an Alaskan cruise, and it was it's full, and I mean, everywhere I turned it was like she was right in front of my face and I felt like at that point I was being challenged to overcome that.
43:36
And so, once again, I always looked at like what can I learn from this? How can I grow? And my husband always reminded me let's focus on who we are today. I love you, you love me. This is let's stay in the present moment and focus on the future. The past of the past. I can't do anything to change it. You can't. Either Do you want to be living in today and moving forward full of love and connection, or do you want to be living back there in hell with triggers. And so it's a lot of mind resets and it takes a lot of power and it takes a lot of discipline and it takes a lot mentally, emotionally, physically to move forward and it's definitely not easy. I know I may be coming off like, oh, this is such a breeze and it's not. But year after year it becomes easier.
44:25
And there was a time where I was like February 8th every year. I was like the day like, and then, like a couple of years ago, like it was like February, like 16th, and I was like, oh my God, that day passed and I didn't make a big deal about it, like that's amazing. And now I can, you know, I can say my sister's name, because for five years I couldn't say my sister's name. I would only refer to her as my sister. Even if I was on the phone with my mom, I'd be like, how's my sister? Because I literally could not say my sister's name because I would be triggered. Now I can say my sister's name. Doesn't mean I always say my sister's name If I'm on the phone with my mom and he's in the room, because, once again, I don't like to bring that name up, because it is a trigger, even after this point. But if he's not around, I will say the name, because I never want to say the name where he's like thinking about her either.
Karen Covy Host
45:12
Yeah.
Jenny Townsend Guest
45:13
You know, and here we are, seven years later, and I'm still processing and I'm still going through this and it will probably be for a very, very long time. Um, because this is part of our journey, this is part of our story and part of our past and part of our marriage, and you know, I can't do anything to change it, it's just mindset shifts, moving forward.
Karen Covy Host
45:32
Yeah, Jenny, I can't thank you enough for sharing your story, because I think it's so inspiring and it's good for people to know that. Number one these things happen. Number two you can get over them. But I think the real message is that you now have an amazing marriage. I mean, your second marriage to your same husband is absolutely beautiful, and I think if people take anything away from your story, it's that if you do these things and if you keep working on it, there is hope. Is it going to be in every situation? Of course not. There's always exceptions. Like you said, every marriage is different, but if two people want to work on it, it's 100% possible to get to the place where you're at.
Jenny Townsend Guest
46:19
And I would say start doing the work before you get to that place, because I do think a lot of this could have been prevented if we had the right tools. We would have focused on things. So I feel like, if you're feeling that your, your relationship, is struggling, start doing a deep dive now and having those really honest conversations before something major happens. Um, but a lot of times that's you have to look in the mirror and look at yourself and take a lot of ownership, and that can be kind of hard because it's easier to place the blame than to take ownership.
46:47
So, yeah it's been an amazing journey. I'm very grateful for it. Um and also just share one more positive thing that this brought me to a place of having really great balance within the workplace and changed me as a leader and allowed my team to really step into where I basically worked myself out of a job within a year that I never thought was possible. So I now have so much time at home and hobbies and I have a beautiful life now because I don't have to be in the business every single day, which prior to this I was. So there's so many benefits that came out of this and it's unfortunate that all of it came because of it, but at the end of the day, it's part of the journey and I'm really grateful for it.
Karen Covy Host
47:15
And that's an important message for people to hear too, because I work with a lot of strong, successful women and you think that if you're not constantly nose to the grindstone, hitting it hard, that you're not going to make it. And it's beautiful to hear that, no, you actually made it better and let your team step up by stepping away, giving them the space and giving your marriage the time it needed as well 100%. So thank you again. Can you tell people who are listening, if they want to hook up with you, if they want to find you, if they want your book, where can they find you? Where can they get your book?
Jenny Townsend Guest
48:04
Yes, the best way is to get my book. You can get that on Amazon. Have it directly shipped to you. That'll lead you to my podcast, that'll lead you to my email all my free resources. We do twice a year, a course called to end or mend a relationship, and that's via zoom as well, so, but all of that great information is located in my book. I'm on all the social platforms as well. So if you look up my name, I also have a music school too, so you may find that there's a music school with my name on it, so you can go ahead and follow that as well. But the book is the best resource out there that gives you all the tools that you need to overcome an obstacle and to take ownership of your life and to really enhance any relationship that you have.
Karen Covy Host
48:46
Jenny, thank you again so much. I really appreciate your time and your sharing your story. Thank you so much for having me and for those of you who are out there watching or who are listening. If you enjoyed today's episode, if you'd like to hear more episodes just like this, do me a big favor. Give it a thumbs up like subscribe, and I look forward to talking with you again next time.
