Episode Description - Spouse Pushing Your Buttons? Transform Negative Emotions Now
Have you ever wondered why even small disagreements can explode into intense emotional battles? In this podcast episode, Dr. Greg Stewart, a counselor and executive coach, explores why negative emotions often become inflated, causing us to react disproportionately in our relationships.
Drawing from personal experiences, including his own struggles and extensive academic background, Dr. Stewart reveals how understanding the deeper sources of our insecurities can transform our emotional responses and strengthen our connections.
Throughout the episode, we discuss the phenomenon of "emotional inflation," in which small triggers evoke intense reactions because of unresolved insecurities. By learning to identify these triggers and understanding the deeper narrative they often signify, you can gain control over your emotional responses.
If you’re struggling in an emotionally volatile relationship, this episode will empower you to recognize emotional patterns, overcome destructive cycles, and create lasting, positive change.
Show Notes
About Dr. Greg Stewart
Dr. Greg Stewart lives in Rockwall, TX and is currently a full-time telehealth counselor, executive coach, and consultant. He has a BA in Organizational Leadership (Cornerstone University), a Master of Divinity (Grand Rapids Theological Seminary), a MA in Counseling (GRTS), and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision (Regent U). His dissertation was The Relationship of Emotional Intelligence to Job Satisfaction and Organizational Commitment. He is the author of I3: Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions, and I3 for Couples: Facing Our Negative Emotions to Build Intimacy in Marriage. He is currently working on his third book, The Leadership Quotient, which will be available Fall of 2025.
Connect with Dr. Greg Stewart
You can connect with Dr. Greg on Facebook at Dr. Greg Stewart and on LinkedIn at Dr. Greg Stewart. You can follow Dr. Greg on his YouTube Channel at Becoming More CCC, on X at Dr. Greg Stewart and on Instagram at Dr. Greg Stewart. You can find out how to work with Dr. Greg by visiting his website at Dr. Greg Stewart where you can also find his books I-Cubed and I-Cubed for Couples.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Dr. Greg Stewart
- Dr. Greg Stewart introduces his "I-Cubed" framework for understanding emotional responses, particularly focusing on how negative emotions can reveal deeper issues.
- According to Dr. Stewart, all human behavior aims to achieve emotional goals, with men primarily seeking significance and women primarily seeking security.
- Emotional "inflation" occurs when our reaction (6-8/10) is disproportionate to the actual severity of a situation (1/10), signaling deeper underlying issues.
- Three main causes of emotional inflation are: believing lies, personal insecurities being exposed, and issues with identity/value/worth (often rooted in trauma).
- In relationships, Dr. Stewart defines safety and pursuit as core foundations, emphasizing that healthy marriages require concrete, tangible expressions of love beyond vague intentions.
- When facing relationship breakdowns (like divorce), Dr. Stewart recommends focusing on objective truth rather than interpretations, setting clear boundaries, and maintaining appropriate emotional responses.
- For personal growth, Dr. Stewart advocates removing others from your "formula of worth" - wanting their approval but not needing it to determine your value.
- His approach to marriage encourages "out-serving each other" through consistent actions rather than waiting for feelings of love to motivate caring behaviors.
- Dr. Stewart believes selfishness is at the core of relationship failures, and challenges people to aim to make their spouse feel "never been loved like this before."
- His books "I-Cubed" (for individuals) and "I-Cubed for Couples" provide frameworks for managing negative emotions and building healthier relationships.
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Transcript
Spouse Pushing Your Buttons? Transform Negative Emotions Now
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
significance, security, identity, value
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Dr. Greg Stewart
Karen Covy Host
00:10
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach, author and entrepreneur. And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show.
With me today, I have the pleasure of speaking with Dr Greg Stewart. Dr Greg Stewart lives in Rockwell, Texas, and is currently a full-time telehealth counselor, executive coach and consultant. He has a BA in organizational leadership, a master of divinity, a master's in counseling and a PhD in counselor education and supervision. He's the author of I-Cubed Unlock the Inner Strength Behind your Negative Emotions and I-Cubed for Couples Facing Our Negative Emotions to Build Intimacy in Marriage. He is currently working on his third book, the Leadership Quotient, which will be available in the fall of 2025. Dr Stewart, welcome to the show.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
01:25
And thank you so much for having me. Obviously, the honor is mine.
Karen Covy Host
01:36
Oh, I am thrilled to have you and excited to dig into our subject of negative emotions and all the things. But before we do that, I'm just curious could you share a little bit of your backstory with the audience? What got you to doing the work that you do today?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
01:47
Right. So first I want to say that obviously, beyond the podcast, we have similar mindsets, because mindset is everything on both of our walls. So brilliant, right. So to began it goes way back, but I'll make it a quick story of when I was a child, because it plays into it.
02:04
That went to like junior church, like a lot of us as kids, and then became a Christian back then and then my parents could go into church, which meant I could go into church, and then I did the party hardy teen years and then some of the consequences from those years and then, after I recommitted life to Christ, I felt called into the ministry. So at that time I had like three years under my belt for my bachelor's degree but stopped that and then went on a missions trip to South America and went to a Bible institute and then came back and then became a pastor at the very church I became a Christian at. But I was wanting to get into seminary but I didn't have a bachelor's degree. Right Back then in the nineties there was all these schools that started the adult continuing programs where one night a week for a year you get a degree, and the degree they offered was organizational leadership, which was great. Love the material, but my focus was to get to seminary. So finish that. And then my first semester of seminary, I took philosophy of counseling and then my eyes were open to how powerful the material could be, obviously within ministry, but also I started to feel these exposure things happening in my own life. Man, I got issues right, so I mapped out a dual master's degree.
03:16
Then, after I got my master of divinity, I was ordained in 2000. But right then a perfect storm happened where, in a good way, where I started teaching as an adjunct professor in all of the organizational leadership courses that I took, and you know for my alma mater, and fell in love with organizational leadership and at the same time came across the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, right, as a lot of us did back then. And then at the same time I was underneath a leader that the guy was great in so many ways but, man, he had a lot of just emotional struggles and I could not reconcile that. How could a pastor who loves the Bible and praying but just have so many emotional struggles. So, as that carried on, he left the church that I became the senior pastor. I was at that church for 15 years and that's when I got my worked on my PhD in counseling Started that in 2005, graduated in 2008,.
04:08
But then did my dissertation on the relationship of emotional intelligence with job satisfaction and organizational commitment. After that, there was a guy in our church that he was a VP of IHR for the largest division of a medical device company in Michigan. Very, very powerful Fortune 500 company and that's where I cut my executive coaching and organizational strategist consultant teeth on. And then, after I left the ministry, had a great experience there. We moved to Texas in 2012. Then I flew around the country for three years. I worked for an assessments company where we benchmarked top performers and did leadership 360. So I'd meet with senior leadership teams across all industries, did executive coaching, had a great experience. And then we got bought out by another company, which you know. 80% of us got laid off. So if you've never been laid off, you got to try it. It's an incredible experience.
04:59
So, after all that, all that is to say so have the letters behind my name, lots of success. But what is part of it that led into all this is in 2011 I ended up having an emotional affair and that just simply means I there's an emotional connection relational but I never. We didn't do anything physically and I was devastated because how could I, as a, a pastor and marriage counselor kind of slip into this? And so that began, honestly, a 10-year healing process, Karen, of finding out, which led to, obviously, the whole process of the book. So after that I went to work at a behavioral health hospital for a residential treatment center for kids, learned trauma there. But in the last year or so, even though I wanted to write my book IQ for 20 years, the content really flowed from not only my counseling expertise but it flowed from having to do a deeper dive into Greg. So I always tell clients like this material both books kind of flow from you know what I experienced and the application of it. So my marriage never recovered, but you know, even though I'm divorced, that my couples book I say I am, you know, 10 times the marriage counselor now than I would have been because of this growth experience.
Karen Covy Host
06:22
So you, you know you went through all these things, you had all this education and even though you were, at the time, a marriage counselor yourself, your own marriage fell apart. What did you learn in that process and what is the basis for your work in I-Cubed, which is the book, or the books that you've written so far?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
06:41
Right. So what that kind of uncovered was a couple of things. One is that in my whole premise of the book, obviously just in our own growth and development and I use this for the counselor, you know the couple's book, it's that, you know, I call it the first pillar that I say you know, the miracle question if you guys woke up tomorrow and your marriage is perfect, what would be different about you? So I knew that I wouldn't go down this road of just blaming my spouse. I had to figure out what was being exposed, because even though you know I can complain about some of her struggles, you know me having the emotional affairs, not her issue, is mine and it exposed because I way back then I felt, like you know, I feel like I'm pursuing everybody harder than pursuing me and it really led to this exposure of some insecurities deep within me. So, doing that work of what was happening, then I realized just both of us as individuals and as spouses that when I get into it, but the inflation of emotion we have to pay attention to and instead of negative emotion we have to pay attention to, and instead of, like negative emotion, we're burning energy on other people, we've got to walk into our negative emotions and figure out what's being exposed.
Karen Covy Host
07:55
Okay, let me stop you there. What do you mean when you say what's being exposed? I'm a little confused.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
08:03
Okay, so I'll start with like simplicity, that that everything we do is trying to achieve an emotional goal, everything. So we have micro emotional goals, which means if I'm thirsty, I want to feel that my thirst is quenched, I'm going to feel full feel. I mean, it's all about the emotions, right? Emotional goals. So there's micro emotion goals and then macro. The macro emotion goals have to do with our quality of life, which is standard of living, living our values and then fulfilling destiny, purpose and calling. So as we're pursuing those goals. It's wonderful, the goals are good, but the first thing we have to look at is the path we take to achieve those goals. A simple example is if I'm super stressed and I choose the path of drinking alcohol to decrease my stress, not a healthy path, so the paths are what need to assess, like I use rational, healthy, wise and right. So secondly, though, is when our paths are blocked, our emotional goals, let's say, for couples, the main emotional goal for a guy is significance. The main emotional goal for a gal, again generally speaking, is security. So what I do when my emotional goal is blocked, my significance goal is blocked. I had emotions right, so negative emotions aren't bad, because obviously, if I have negative emotions, like, oh, I gotta write this paper or I've gotta do the laundry, not bad, they're just negative energy to we burn to fix problems. The problem is we have an inflation. Okay, so there's three reasons that emotions are inflated. So, on a scale of one to 10, let's say, Karen, that you call me a name, right, say well, Dr Stewart, man, dude, bless your heart, but you have some serious ADHD. Okay, let's say you say that I'm like, how could you, how could you say that? Right, so on a scale of one to 10, how big of a deal is it that Karen says something negative about me? Well, on a scale of one to 10, it's a one, right, Fine, but I'm at a six, seven or an eight. That's the inflation. So the actual topic is really only a one level of importance, but I have a six, seven or eight level of energy.
10:02
So this is what I say. We have to picture that behind us is the house of our heart. Okay, I'm standing on the front lawn and before me are all the people like currently in my life, or things that are, you know, causing negative emotions. Right, but what's the human tendency, I will sit on the front lawn and burn all this emotional energy, processing all them, processing you, right? So number one is we're saying that the solution to my negative emotions is them changing, which is horrible because that's where the power is. So I say we want to take all power and control away from the environment. We want to empower ourselves, not take away the influence right, it should influence us but take away power and control. So secondly is on the inflation. The inflation, again, is not Karen's issue or George's issue.
10:52
So I say we got to turn around and walk into the house of our heart and in each of the rooms are just the general emotions I deal with, like insecurity, anxiety, fear, worry, anger, depression. But there's three main causes for the inflation. The first, most common one is simply lies that we believe right. So if I'm looking for a job, I say I'll never get a job. Well, emotions don't produce themselves, they come from sentences in our mind. And those sentences, if we say you know, Karen meant to do it, or she's a nightmare, she's manipulating me, oh my goodness. And if they're not, I mean it's not true, but it'll produce a lot of a negative emotional energy. So the number one reason is we believe lies about ourselves, the situation, about the person. Secondly, like in the first floor, is insecurity. So insecurity is really where it begins on the exposure. So I like telling the story.
11:42
When I was a kid in Michigan, 14 years old, we worked at a hamburger joint, and in the book I talk about that. We're all friends there, but I used to be a super sarcastic teenager. But you can tell right. So this one gal I was teasing her so bad I made her cry. And as she's walking away, don't judge me right. As she's walking away, I yell out you wouldn't get so ticked off if it wasn't true, right.
12:08
And I stopped right there, though, and became a defining moment for me, because I said oh my gosh, Greg, every time somebody points something out negative about you or trash talks you, it's, it's got to be truth, or else it doesn't work. Then I step back and say, man, every time somebody cuts another person down. There's got to be some truth to it. They might exaggerate it, but there's some truth to it. Otherwise, like if I said, Karen, you know, I'm really concerned about your heroin addiction, kind of thing, you're like what? If it's not true, it doesn't have any impact, right? So insecurity has to do with something I don't like about myself, but I don't want it exposed. So that's the first room.
12:45
So, with what I talk about with the RTC girls I used to work with teenage girls loved them to death. They would say Dr Greg, she's pushing my buttons. I'm like well, honey, uninstall your buttons. The issue isn't that she's pushing them, the issue is you've got buttons to push. Another gal would say Dr Greg, she, she called me this name and I won't say the name. And I said sweetie, the issue isn't that she called you that name, the issue is that you agree with her and you didn't want her pointing it out, right? So trying to honestly I mean, even though it sounds like man, that's mean it's actually had a great relationship with him, but I was trying to empower them take the power away from the environment. You have the power, right. So that's the insecurity piece.
13:25
But there's a doorway right there that leads into the basement, and in the basement is the machine of identity, value and worth. So whenever we take things personally, what does that mean? It means that the insult I'm letting that insult or criticism or negative event impact my value and worth, and it should not because I inflate it. That's the second reason. Then, of course, over in the corner, the seller dark dingy seller is the seller of trauma Big T trauma and then little t. Not all of us have been through big T, but almost all of us have been through little t trauma.
14:03
So my point is that these three reasons for the inflation, it's the inflation that we've got to say, that all negative emotions exposing something to me, and I've got to figure that out because I can't just, you know, Karen, you say whatever you're going to say, I can't dump on you a six, seven or eight level of emotional intensity because it's going to damage, it's not going to solve the problem, it's going to make it worse. So the inflation is my issue. I mean the one is your issue. Like, hey, Karen, don't say that, but the inflation is what is being exposed to me and it's something deeper that we've got to press into and walk into, okay.
Karen Covy Host
14:41
So question I mean, that was, that was a lot. But is this something that everybody experiences or is it situational? Or how do you have? How does somebody develop? These inflated emotions.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
14:57
I think I don't know, I'm just I don't know of a human being. That doesn't right Because it's part of like. So, like with identity, value and worth, I say, where do we get our, the formula for our value and worth, to begin with, well, it begins with our parents, right? So if a child feels pursued by his or her parents, and that pursuit is, of course, unconditional love, helping us recover from failure and equipping us and again, like I just say, that's like every human being ever, ever existed gets their value and worth of their parents. So there's this automatic training that we get our value and where the formula for our value and worth, the assessment of our value and worth, from parents. Then what gets added to it? Our peers. If I feel pursued by peers, then of course significant others teachers, bosses, coaches.
15:42
So it just is it all the way through the first 20, whatever some odd years of our life it's already in green that we get our value and worth from others' opinions, right? So I say my point is like to to break it up and say everybody needs to make the decision to remove every other human being from that formula, right? So you say I don't need Karen to pursue, validate, approve of me. I mean I want her to but I don't need her to.
16:07
So I go through a process of um stabilizing and solidifying everybody's identity value worth, like I am the one that decides my identity bang worth. Like I have control, not the environment, because obviously if my value and worth is contingent upon other people pursuing me, it's a mess now. So what I'm saying is I think everybody has inflated emotions because of just that one process alone. I mean not everybody goes through the big T or little T trauma, but everybody believes lies right. So I think it's an every human being thing.
Karen Covy Host
16:35
So when somebody has this, I mean because the context in which I work with most people is marriage and divorce, right. So if a divorce is imminent or if the marriage is not great situationally, like, divorce never brings out the good in anybody, it brings out the worst in people, not the best in people. So you know how can people? Is this something that, like it, can change your, your, your emotional inflation can change depending on what situation you're going through?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
17:10
Yeah, of course, and it's obviously directly related to the, directly related to the topic and how much that topic is related to our value and worth, which relates to our macro emotional goals, like our quality of life, our macro emotional goals, like our quality of life, and obviously, the more our quality of life, standard of living, living our values and fulfilling destiny, calling and purpose, like going through divorce, and how much it's going to impact the kids, the closer it's related to the macro emotional goals, the more inflated it's going to be, whatever the topic is Right. So again, I think it's just everybody. So I say that the first step in any process is self-awareness. Just be aware of as soon as you have negative emotions and that's easy because it's on the surface and then recognize that emotions don't produce themselves, they come from thoughts. Once you recognize the self-aware, I have negative emotions. Then simply, on a scale of 1 to 10, how big of a deal is it? And then if it's like I am bringing way too much emotional energy to the situation, then I got to figure out what else is going on right To decrease that negative energy. So when I say, like on value and worth and, of course, marriage, like I say to my wife, like I don't need my wife to pursue me, I want her to, but I don't need her to. That doesn't mean because I do a lot of marriage counseling, it doesn't mean that the definition of relationship, which I define as safety and pursuit, does not change the definition, does not change the standard I have very high standards for marital relationship and does not change the like played out expectations. What it changes is the degree of negative impact on me If it doesn't occur and that's the key If, if pursuit doesn't occur.
18:57
So if it's like a lot of us, we in marriages especially, look, we agree to this and I need you. What? Why? Why don't you love me? Or why did you have an affair? Because now we take it. It's so easy, especially in marriage, to take it personally. I mean logically right, but it's through the healing process that we have to say I don't need, I want, because every you know all the marriages and the divorce situations are different, but somehow way shape or form via a threat to a woman's security or a threat to a guy's significance. It's obviously so easy to take it personally.
Karen Covy Host
19:32
Okay, so let's you know. Let's break this down a little bit. So what you've said is that men's the biggest value for men is significance, that they need to feel significant to their wife and to the world, and for women, their biggest value is security. Is that? Am I understanding this right?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
19:53
Security, safety or a synonym of it? Yeah, Okay.
Karen Covy Host
19:57
So let's say, in the context of a situation where there's an affair and you're saying the person, whoever it was, whether it was the man or the woman, whoever had the affair um, that their spouse needs to not take it personally. I'm playing devil's advocate. How do you not do that?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
20:17
For sure. And so taking it personally means impacting value and worth. So you, you don't do that. In one sense where, practically speaking and I have seen the entire range of people's responses to, let's say, a wife whose husband is looking at pornography, the wife was like, look, you know, don't do it, but guys are going to do it to wives that the guy just looks at a swimsuit model or likes a gal on Instagram and she melts down, Right. So there is a degree like and then obviously, continuation. So taking it personally, I'm going to take it personally, but I'm saying it should not impact our, our value and worth. And again, it's a process. So even with affairs even with affairs I've seen, I'm sure you have that it's about the degree of response, to how much it impacts me because even though, like you know, we, we enter into a, a covenant, a contract and marriage that I've seen adults just understand that you know we have our own issues going on and then this junk happens and they just it's more objective than it is subjective. So not taking it personally means that this stuff does happen and it's not related to me per se. I mean, I can always be a better husband, but my wife choosing to have an affair is not my issue, it's hers. It's her poor response, because I've had husbands all the time, you know, as soon as they, you know, the discovery happens. And then why did you do it? And the husband's naturally say, well, he's going to say I didn't feel like my needs were met. What's her response going to be Don't blame this on me, right? Or she'll say and she should say, which is fair, you know what? We are both struggling, but I didn't go out and she's exactly right, they're both struggling, but he made the choice, or she made the choice, to seek it elsewhere. So, knowing that, like this is not a me issue, we need to work on our marriage. This is not a me issue, this is a you issue. You made a terrible choice. Now, I understand objectively, you didn't feel like your needs were met, we're in a good spot, but again, it's not that my worth decreases, it's not a value and worth thing. So that's what I mean by taking it personally. I mean it's a value and worth, it's just objectively.
22:42
This stuff happens when marriages aren't you know, they're not meeting needs, or it just happens because people are selfish, right, and they can't. You know they can't be content within, you know, a monogamous relationship. So it is. I've seen it just naturally happen among various people. I've seen from the meltdown to the objective. Like you know, I have to make a decision whether or not I want to continue, because it is, it's, it's an agreement safety and pursuit, safety and pursuit. Now am I going to continue on in this relationship? I have to think about it because you know it's all the way through life. It's an agreement. Me and my friends, like, if safety is threatened, like I open up to my buddy Max and he starts mocking me, okay, well, I guess that shuts that down. We all make decisions and we just realize objectively. That's how relationships work.
Karen Covy Host
23:31
Okay, so when you're. But when you're talking about safety, I just want to clarify you mean something more than simply physical safety, like you're not talking about domestic violence here.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
23:43
Of course, and that's funny, and I honestly just throw my agenda of the bus. Guys, when your wife says she doesn't feel safe with you, she's not talking about physical. She's talking about emotional and relational safety. Right, there's various kinds, so it's not even like verbal or emotional abuse, it's just I'm not feeling safe in this conversation because I can't open up, right. So, yeah, it's not physical abuse and safety is just emotional, relational safety. So we can continue the conversation. Yeah, for sure.
Karen Covy Host
24:12
So if somebody is in that situation, whether male or female, whatever is their need that is not being met in a marriage and they decide they're going to get a divorce and then the relationship breaks down even more. Because in my experience, when the minute the word divorce is introduced into the relationship, the trust goes away. I mean it really suffers right out of the gate and so nobody trusts anybody and emotions are running high. What can someone do to start to rein in their own emotions and their own reaction to whatever it is that their spouse is doing? Because people's normal reaction is to say he did this or she did that, and then you kind of go spiraling off into a bad place, spiraling off into a bad place.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
25:05
Right. So first would be that, on the first inflation are lies. I mean they. I mean we are ripe to believe lies about the other person, about the situation, again about ourselves, whatever. So we've got to hold ourselves accountable on. We want to make sure that our evaluation of the situation what's actually happening, it's based in truth. Happening, it's based in truth. Secondly, is it's so easy to interpret um actions like unfulfilled expectations, like I, I expect you to pick up the kids. Then we immediately turn it into unfulfilled expectations, turn into a character issue, an integrity issue, the manipulation which is can't, we can't do motives right, just what is objective truth? So that is first we have to stick to what truth is and not fall into lies because it's going to make us miserable.
Karen Covy Host
25:52
Yeah okay, let me interrupt you again. I'm sorry, but you know so many people they're. When they're in a situation the relationship is crumbling, they say I don't know what's true, you are not telling me the truth, I don't have access to truthful information, so how do I know?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
26:10
Right. So it's going to be based upon what the information is so sure they have to like it's got to get down to like physical like, and setting of boundaries, like finances, schedule, it's right. So, whether or not I'm telling the truth, because I don't know what the truth is. Well, in that context it's I don't know what the truth meaning relationally, like what you're, what you meant or what you're saying you're going to do, like no, we'll do this amicably, like I don't know if that's true, or you know, I don't know if he has another relationship on the side, all that is. But you do, you need to know that, because what are we doing? We're in self-survival mode. So I want to. I don't know what the truth is and I'm going to assume, because obviously she's more wrong than me. So that's what we don't know, the truth, and we're searching. This is the mistake we're searching for. We're searching for evidence against the person.
27:10
But when it comes to true, like playing it out, when it comes to schedules, finances, you can set that up. All the other stuff is interpretive, all the other stuff is emotional. That we don't know the truth. Right, and that's just. I mean, they don't know the truth either, because trust is broken down right and honestly, just you know it.
27:29
The fact of the matter is that, um, you have to, you have to walk through that and each person has. You still have to make a decision, obviously on what. What are we going to do from this point on right? But just to protect all the negative energy, the drama, the gossip, it's truth, like the classic one is as we know, it's we don't disparage our spouse to the children, right? So we have to do things, because research came out where the two factors most related to how well the children do is can the parents bury the hatchet and, secondly, is dad still involved in their lives?
28:09
So at some point we've got to move from subjective, from woe is me, for I'm wounded to, objectively speaking, we've got to make sure that our ducks in a row, we have boundaries set up, agreeable, it's okay, let's, let's, let's figure it out logistically. I will grieve later, I'll process later. Right now, it's about doing this where we don't cause further damage. That's what it's about. It's we can make a choice right now that, even though there's a lot of damage caused already that I'm hurting from, we do have a choice right now, not to cause further damage.
Karen Covy Host
28:46
Right. But what if you know? Again, playing devil's advocate, you or at least in your perspective you're not the one who's causing the damage. You're trying to get your own emotions under control. You're trying to do all the right things, but your spouse is acting like a lunatic. Your spouse is doing stupid stuff, which people do in divorce all the time, right. So you say how am I supposed to maintain my control over my emotions when my spouse isn't maintaining control over his or her emotions and they're the ones that are making a mess?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
29:22
Right. So what does control over emotions mean? It means that, again, the goal is not to have little or no negative emotions, the goal is to have the right amount. So the right amount might mean based upon what is the worst thing that's happening, because your spouse is dot, dot, dot. Whatever it is they're doing through the divorce process, and it could be horrible, they drain all the money out of the bank account. Well, yeah, if you don't have any money for groceries, that's up there at eight, nine or 10. So there's nothing. It's controlling emotions means that you have to respond with the right amount, because emotional energy gets burned in action. What is the most healthy, effective response here? How much emotional energy do I need? Because control column versus no control.
30:11
We've both seen it where, yes, one spouse just goes to town, right, but, but. But that doesn't mean controlling your emotions doesn't mean that you, you have low emotions. Controlling your emotions means they don't get inflated. You have low emotions. Controlling your emotions means they don't get inflated. We can't afford the inflation.
30:32
But, yes, some situations, based upon the severity of the situation, it is at a 6, 7, 8, 9, or 10 for sure. Well, like I use the example, if my grandson I just became a grandfather my grandson runs out into the street, on a scale of 1 to 10, how big of a deal is that? It's always based upon what bad is happening. What are the consequences? It's a 10. So I'm gonna burn a 10 level of energy to protect my grandson. That happens in these divorce situations. So, yeah, the goal is not to have low, the goal is to have the right amount, because we've also seen what some spouses just go into them being the sacrifice and they just, you know, sanction and they just kind of roll over Right, right and that's having too low.
Karen Covy Host
31:16
Yeah.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
31:17
Right, the passivity, having too low of negative emotions. Right, the goal, and that's not. That's just as unhealthy, right. So it's what is the most healthy, effective response, and then whether it be too low because it's based on personality as well whether it be too low or too high. So the controlling of emotions is not only pulling emotions back. Controlling emotions also means generating and burning them off, like the person who is just being too passive. They have the emotional energy in there. Well, controlling your emotions being you burn it by saying no, I'm going to set a boundary here. So it's about having the right amount of emotional energy and ensuring that you have the right response.
32:01
But the biggest thing is again avoiding lies, not, you know, the value and worth thing as well as the trauma of it. That's got to be set aside, it just is. We have to put our game face on. There'll be a time to grieve, but right now it's game face. Right now it's. I've got to stabilize, you know, create safety, create security. It's not time for me to process like what this means to me in the universe. It's game face time.
Karen Covy Host
32:29
Okay, so we've only got a few minutes left and I want to switch gears to your book I-Cubed, and especially the one relating to couples, because you've got two One, I assume, is for individuals, the other one's for couples.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
32:44
This one's for individuals, this one's for couples. You got them, there you go.
Karen Covy Host
32:48
Yeah, so tell me a little bit about the books. What is the main premise of the books? What can people get from that?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
32:55
Right. So everything we've talked about to this point really is like the premise of the I-Cube the first book, where there is a deeper dive into identity, value and worth and so on. The second book, for couples, I don't include the identity, value and worth. I don't include like a trauma. I do include how to recover from affairs in the couple's book. But in the couple's book, as I kind of, as people are reading through it, I talk about emotional goals and all that and frame it in marriage. But I literally say several times like if you're emotional is getting inflated right now, you need to put this book down and go back to my first book and do a deeper dive into that, because again that and then I intentionally did that, not just to you know, sell another book but I did it because you have to mentally realize that I need to stop and this is not a couple's, it's not a marriage topic or issue, this is a Greg issue, right, so I can't go through my wife, I can't go through the, the pathway of marriage to solve my insecurities. So you need to put this book down and do a deeper dive. The couple's book, you know, once I do the emotion stuff, then it's just all about equipping. Like every couple comes to me like wanting communication skills, tons of skills in their specific skills on how to problem solve.
34:15
Because when I talk about safety and pursuit, I ask each couple like do you want your husband to feel safe emotionally in relation to your heart? Of course I do. Do you want your wife to? Of course I do. And I say, guys, knowing that, from this point forward, from this point forward, remember that. So when you don't feel safe, that's the anomaly, that's not who you really are, that's not your motive. When you don't feel safe, it's a skill issue, like problem solving. And then I asked like also remember when you guys are at your best right, when you are the most in love, obviously the wedding day and the day after the honeymoon. That's who you really are. Because all of us wants, wanted our entire marriage. We know it's gonna be perfect. We wanted our entire marriage to be that. So again, what you're experiencing, it may be the most predominant, you know, predominantly hell, if you will, but it's not who you are, nor who you want to be. So it's like, sets that foundation of safety, and then who we are at our best. That's who we really are.
35:21
So I want to equip couples, to be successful in you know, the communication skills, as well as even expectations for relationship. Like, what does it look like to have enough time together? Like, quantify it. I call it scheduling the minimum because we talk about, like you know, just love your spouse. They need to feel loved. Okay, great, George, I mean it just drives me crazy, but there are still tangible expectations, physical, behavioral expectations. If I'm going to feel loved, this is what I need my wife to do. Well, we got to get to, instead of just saying to my wife, hey, I just, I just need to love and respect your husband. Okay, cool, what does that look like? Like I have husbands. I mean I always bless their hearts, right? Hey, are you pursuing your wife? Yeah, sure I am.
36:10
I said, okay, name some actions you've done recently to pursue your wife. Oh, I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner and I'm dude, no, no, right. So I say we play for it. We're roommates, business partners, lovers. And then best friends said dude, that's a roommate issue.
36:28
Yeah, I asked, you, asked your wife if she felt pursued, like romantically pursued, right? So it's just, what are the expectations, again in the formulas in our brain? What are the expectations of behavior? What does it look like? Because we attribute, like I said, hi to you. It's like it's not that bad, but sometimes it's that bad, right, just the cluelessness. So I mean, that's why it's all about equipping, equipping, equipping, and factual, like if we do this we'll be successful. So that way, when I get upset, it's like I have to be able to point to something and I can't point to motives, right? Well, you don't want to pursue me? Great, right Now, what does it look like to pursue your husband? These things I said you know.
37:16
Google 100 ways to love your spouse, your husband, your wife. Underneath love language is classic, right? So google 10 to 15 ways to do quality time, 10 to 15 ways behaviors to do acts of service, and then do them. Right? So I try and quantify to equip. So it's very tangible. So, week after week after week, it is like you know what. We've talked about this for weeks. You keep committing to doing these very behaviors, but you're not. So you know, at this point it's just getting weird. At this point it's just awkward and your wife is wanting you to pursue but and you keep committing to, we give you the exact behaviors, but you don't. I'm like it's just getting awkward. Now it's like right, so she has no choice but to feel that she's not worth it because you're proving it to her, right? So if we lay it out in actions, like if you buy her flowers, she will feel pursued. Did you buy her flowers this last week? No, I just had a lot going on. Did you go golfing? Yeah, right, so that kind of stuff.
Karen Covy Host
38:24
Yeah, but what do you do? Because I've seen this happen so many times where, well, let's just put it this in this, in terms of the situation you just described, you know he wants, she wants flowers, and then you know, but then he buys the flowers and she said but I want you to buy flowers because you want to, not because I told you to.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
38:47
Absolutely Right. And that's why I would say, because early on, when I did marriage counseling 30 years ago, absolutely that's why I say, look so. So some guys like I don't want the wife or husband to equip because of that reason, Meaning, say, oh, do this, this and this, because we should know right. So I tell a guy, like I've had some guys say, look, I don't know what to do and I don't have any patience or tolerance for that anymore. And of course I'm going to be hard on guys because you know I am one. So I said, dude, Lord forbid, your wife gets hit by a bus tomorrow, six months, a year, down the road, when you're healed and you start dating again, suddenly it all comes back. You won your wife to the altar to begin with and you know how to win a woman to the altar. Don't give me that, you know. Then I start going off on right. So that's what I'm saying. You know what to do. It's like, well, sure, google a hundred ways to love your wife and then just for ideas, but you know what to do. You already know. Just do those things If you want to cause.
39:50
I say a good thing is I put in the book, is my wife and I don't have anniversaries, we have our next wedding day. I want to win her back to the altar again. And so there is this. And I say when we talk about, marriage is hard work, yeah, there's the communication stuff, but marriage is hard work because, like when I say about dates, on your date, no problem, don't discuss problems, but the measurement of success of your date is not where you eat or what activity do you have three goals for a date have fun, flirt, show affection. Because I say what? So two people meet Hi, I'm Greg, hi I'm Lisa. And then we start dating. Right, oh, look, there's, oh, there's, a fight, but eventually. But then after the wedding, everything we did to win our spouse to the altar drops off. And again, it's not crazy because we go into, we want to. Okay, let's build our lives. Now we're going to business partner mode and roommate mode, so but we have to where the hard work is to do all the things, because think about how gracious we were right.
40:53
And in our uh church they talked about you know, uh, two pastors asked each other like what's the one thing, the main thing why marriages fail. Of course I had my own answer. My answer to that is selfishness. It's just selfishness, right? So I believe my goal in like the best marriages is we out serve each other. I am a servant.
41:15
I tell my wife whatever you want you get, because why it's I don't like, I don't wait for the emotions to come to serve her, to pursue her. That's ridiculous. We, we don't do that in any other area. I don't wait for emotions to come before I mow the lawn. I don't wait for emotions to come to, you know, to work out it's. So when it comes to making my wife feel adored and loved, I'm not going to wait for an emotion. It's I'm going to serve, because that's what I committed to, and then it once we get into a zone, it's beautiful, but it's we are here to serve each other.
41:50
It is selflessness. I think that's. I think it's that's the core, you know. I think that's core because if I talk about brag about, I asked myself the question is my spouse compelled to brag about? How incredible. Not do they brag about me?
42:03
I'm saying, are they driven to like, oh my gosh, they're like shocked. I have never been loved like this before. And I right. So I say that's the second pillar Besides the first one would be different about me. The second pillar is if the answer to that question is no your spouse would not say it then it is illegal. I like using that word. It's illegal. You'll be arrested to have one complaint about your spouse. Until you get them to that point, set a boundary on yourself. I will not have one complaint about my spouse, or until I get her to the point of saying I've never been loved like this before. Now we have to discuss things, but it's a mindset, right? I want my wife to say I've never been loved like this before. Because what do we do? It's we pull away because, like you're not meeting my needs, so I'm not gonna meet yours, and then downward.
Karen Covy Host
42:55
And then down it goes.
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
42:57
So, instead of it being contingent, there's a bell curve with 100 Greg's on it. It's the bell curve of Greg as a husband. That bell curve has nothing to do with how good of a spouse my wife is. I'm going to be the hundred. I'm going to try to go for that hundred percentile Greg, because that's the value I want to live. I want to be that great of a husband and, yes, if I feel my wife needs, then it's again. We have a conversation, but I don't need her, I don't need her to pursue a valley. It says I'm going to be the 95th, 96th percentile great husband, because that's what I want to be. And, of course, if we both do that, imagine that zone. It's beautiful, yeah that would.
Karen Covy Host
43:43
That would be beautiful, and it's words to the wise for everyone out here. And Dr Stewart, thank you so much for being here. This has been, there's been so much packed into this conversation. If people want to know more, if they want to dive into this, where's the best place for them to find you?
Dr. Greg Stewart Guest
43:59
Simply go to drgregstewart.com and all one word D-R-G-R-E-G-S-T-E-W, not U E-W-A-R-T. So drgregstewart.com, and I have my books there. I have everything there.
Karen Covy Host
44:11
That's awesome. And, for those of you who are listening, everything is going to be linked in the show notes so you can just go there and find everything you need to know about Dr Stewart. And again, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it. I know the audience does as well. And, for those of you in the audience, if you've enjoyed today's episode, if you want to hear more episodes from more amazing guests just like Dr Stewart, do me a big favor. Give this episode a thumbs up like subscribe on YouTube, subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, and I look forward to seeing you again soon.
