Did you ever wish you could just wave a magic wand and make all the ugliness and pain of your divorce go away? Or maybe you wish you could just wiggle your nose and transport yourself all the way to the end of your divorce in a nanosecond - with no muss, no fuss, and definitely no drama! While superpowers and fairy godmothers may be the stuff of comic books and Disney movies, divorce counseling can help you transform your divorce experience from one of hell, into one of hope - and it can do it in more ways than you think!
Most people assume that a good divorce counselor will help them process their emotions and support them as they go through a divorce. What they don't realize is that there are many more benefits to divorce counseling than that. Here are just a few of them.
1. Divorce Counseling Can Save You Money
Divorce is expensive. While the main driver of that expense is your legal fees, your emotions are what cause your legal fees to skyrocket.
Your emotions make you argue with your spouse over things that won't ever matter to you in the long run. They cause court battles that could have been avoided. They spur you to refuse to accept even reasonable settlement offers. So the case drags on, the fights continue, and only the lawyers win.
Divorce counseling can also save you money because it gives you someone to vent to who is NOT your divorce lawyer. When you're in therapy you can talk about how you feel, complain about your ex, and have an emotional meltdown without spending upwards of $500 per hour to do it.
Not only is a therapist much cheaper than a lawyer, but a therapist is also trained to handle emotional issues. Lawyers are not. (... and there's also the added bonus that most therapists are covered by your health insurance!)
2. Divorce Counseling Can Save You From Making Major Divorce Mistakes
Divorce is enormously stressful. It ranks as #2 on the list of major life stressors. (The only thing more stressful than divorce is the death of your spouse.)
Any divorce - especially a high conflict divorce - can send your body into long term “fight or flight” mode. Your brain gets flooded with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Your heart races. Your blood pressure soars. And your ability to think rationally takes a major hit.
Studies have shown that stress hormones suppress your concentration, short term memory and capacity for critical thinking. Stress also overworks the amygdala, the part of your brain that regulates emotion. As a result, the prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that allows you to reason) is less able to engage in critical thinking. Yet, when you're going through a divorce you're going to have to make more major life decisions in a relatively short period of time than you will in any similar amount of time in your life.
A good therapist can help you work through your stress. S/he can help you discover ways to process your emotions productively, so that you don't get crippled by anxiety or side-lined by depression. Most importantly, s/he can also help you manage your stress so that, when you’re making important decisions in your divorce, your brain can think clearly. That, in turn, makes it significanlty less likely that you will make mistakes in your divorce that you later regret.
3. Divorce Counseling Can Save You From Starting a War
If you’ve been married to your spouse for any length of time at all, you are probably both experts at pushing each other’s buttons. You know exactly what to say to send your spouse skyrocketing to Pluto. And your spouse knows exactly how to do the same to you.
If you let your emotions rule, and you "push each other's buttons" it won't be long before you're engaged in an epic battle that drives up the conflict and the cost of your divorce.
Now, in theory, since you know that fighting with your spouse will make your divorce worse on every level, you "should" be able to manage your emotions and act like a rational human being.
But human beings are often not rational at all - especially when they're going through a divorce.
So, while you may understand what your emotional hot buttons are, you may not understand how to stop yourself from reacting like a lunatic when your spouse pushes them.
A good divorce therapist can help you manage your emotional triggers so that when your spouse pushes your buttons (which your spouse WILL do!), you don’t immediately fly into a frenzy. You learn coping mechanisms that will help you control your emotions, instead of being controlled by them.
4. Divorce Counseling Can Save You From The Greek Chorus.
When you’re getting a divorce, everyone you know is likely to have an opinion about what you "should" do.
You “should” go to court.
You “should” keep the house.
You “should” do whatever the person talking to you did in his or her divorce. (Or, you should do what that person wishes s/he did in his/her divorce!)
The people who are so generously sharing their unprofessional advice with you mean well. Your family and friends love you. They want the best for you. But doing what is “best” does not necessarily mean doing the same thing that your bitter Aunt Emily did in her divorce thirty years ago.
Every divorce is different. Every family is unique. A divorce counselor has been specially trained in dealing with emotions, and in dealing with divorce. S/he has had experience helping lots of people through divorce.
The divorce advice you get from a divorce counselor or a divorce coach is going to be qualitatively different (and definitely more reliable!) than the divorce advice you get from your friends and family.
5. Divorce Counseling Can Save You From Feeling So Alone.
Divorce is inherently lonely. By definition, when you get a divorce you split from your partner. That makes you feel alone. But in divorce you lose so much more than just your spouse.
You lose your primary relationship. You lose your safety net. When you divorce, you lose your social status. You lose a lot of your friends, and maybe even some of your family. You may lose your house, and possibly your kids. Worst of all, you lose your identity – your sense of who you are in the world.
Divorce counseling can help you deal with those losses and put your life, and your situation, into perspective. S/he will support you as you go through the divorce process so that you're NOT alone. S/he can also often hook you up with divorce support groups, where you can find other people who are going through the same tough time that you are.
Getting the Right Counseling Can Make a Gigantic Difference in Your Divorce
Divorce counseling provides you with a safe space - a space where you can vent your emotions freely, without worrying about how petty, angry, ugly, or pathetic you sound - AND without burdening your friends so much that they stop wanting to be around you anymore!
Just having someone who will listen without judgment, and accept you for who you are, can be an enormous relief. It can truly help you feel like you are human, you are normal, and you will get through this tough time in your life.
Of course, getting counseling or therapy during your divorce won’t magically transform the experience into a Disney dream. No matter what you do, your divorce will still be painful and challenging. Coping with divorce is never easy.
But if you take the time and put in the effort to work through some of your own emotional stuff while you are going through your divorce, you will be that much more ready to create the life you want when your divorce is over.
You may never get the superpowers or magic wand you wish you had. But if you can get through your divorce in a way that leaves you poised to create an amazing life afterwards, that may be the only superpower you need.
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This post was originally published on May 31, 2017 and updated on May 2, 2025.
