No one wants to make mistakes. That's especially true when you're going through a divorce. That's because divorce mistakes can cost you dearly - often for years after your divorce is over.
Unfortunately, making mistakes as you go through your divorce is all too easy.
That’s because most people aren’t exactly at their best when they are getting a divorce. (It’s hard to operate at the top of your game when your entire life has just imploded and it feels like you’re walking around with an ice pick in your chest.)
The irony, of course, is that, at the very time in your life when your emotions are raging out of control and you are the least equipped to make good decisions, you are expected to make more life-changing decisions than you'll have to make in any similar amount of time in your life.
It doesn’t help that going through a divorce is like trying to find your way around a foreign country when you don’t speak the language. Even when you’re doing the best you can, it’s easy to make a wrong turn and get lost.
What is a "Divorce Mistake"?
A "Mistake" is typically defined as:
An error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
While that definition seems straightforward enough, the truth is that what constitutes a mistake, particularly in a divorce, can often be debatable.
That's because what you might think is a mistake in your divorce (like giving up too much money in your divorce settlement), might have also been brilliant! (You might have lost money, but it helped to end your divorce months sooner than it would have otherwise taken.
So you may have lost money AND saved money at the same time!)
Yet some mistakes are universally recognized. For example, for most people,
- Anything that causes your divorce to take longer or cost more without getting you a benefit equal to or greater than what you spent is probably a mistake (unless you enjoy supporting your local divorce lawyer!)
- Anything that hurts your children or makes them suffer for no reason is a mistake.
- Finally, anything that violates your core values, or will make you cringe a few years from now when you think about how you acted is also a mistake.
While avoiding every divorce mistake might not be possible, if you can get through your divorce without making the most common divorce mistakes, you’ll be way ahead of the game.
21 Common Divorce Mistakes Even Smart People Make
1. Thinking your divorce lawyer will take care of everything for you.
Unless you have more money than Elon Musk, no divorce lawyer is going to do EVERYTHING for you in your divorce. No lawyer is going to gather all of your financial documents, separate your personal property, find a new place for you to live, or talk to your spouse about the kids because you don’t feel like doing it yourself. Lawyers handle the legal parts of your case. Period. The rest is up to you.
2. Going through your divorce without a therapist.
Emotions drive divorce. While you might think you are perfectly capable of handling your emotions yourself, when you're locked in battle with someone who knows how to push every button you have, staying calm and thinking rationally is a challenge. The same thing is true if you’re so depressed that getting out of bed in the morning is now a crowning achievement. Having the right therapist or divorce coach on your team can help your divorce go more smoothly on eveyr level. (... and it will end up costing way less too!)
3. Getting a divorce without knowing what you’re doing.
DIY divorce may be all the rage these days, but it has some serious downsides. One of the most serious downsides is that when you DIY your divorce you can make mistakes and not even realize it until months or years after your divorce is over. The problem is that once your divorce is done you may not be able to repair the divorce mistakes you are making now.
Yes, divorce lawyers are expensive. No, not everyone needs full on legal representation throughout their divorce. But, unless you have nothing to lose, going through your divorce without getting legal advice, and without knowing what you’re doing, is risky, foolish, and usually a huge mistake.
4. Taking your spouse off of your health insurance plan as soon as you file for divorce.
Please don’t do this – especially if your spouse has any kind of serious medical condition that requires medication or regular care! Not only is cancelling your spouse’s health insurance wrong but it can also prove to be an expensive mistake for you. That's because YOU may be held liable to pay your spouse’s uncovered medical expenses if something happens and your spouse is uninsured. Plus, if you can’t get your spouse back on your policy because it’s not an open enrollment period, you may be paying for this mistake for a long time.
5. Fighting over cheap personal property.
Almost every divorce lawyer has stories about couples who spent thousands of dollars fighting over some item of personal property (a vacuum cleaner, an ashtray, landscaping rocks, etc.) that was worth a few hundred dollars – or less! If you find yourself fighting with your spouse over the Tupperware, stop! Ask yourself: “What am I really fighting about? What matters here?” If you are being honest, I promise you that your answer will NOT be “the Tupperware.” (THIS is exactly why you need a therapist or a divorce coach!)
6. Moving out of the house with the kids, without telling your spouse.
Unless you and the kids have been the victims of domestic violence, taking your kids and running away is almost always going to come back and bite you. When you leave with the kids your spouse is likely to go running into court and accuse you of kidnapping, or of alienating the children from him/her. If the judge believes your spouse, s/he might order the kids to go live with your spouse NOT you. Even if your spouse knows where you're at after the fact, that still doesn’t mean that some judge won’t order you to return the kids to your home – quite possibly without you. That is not a position you want to be in.
7. Not following court orders.
Court orders are ORDERS. They are not suggestions. Not doing what your divorce judge told you to do can get you held in contempt of court, thrown in jail, ordered to pay fines, ordered to pay your spouse’s attorney’s fees, or subjected to whatever other punishment the court believes is warranted under the circumstances. Plus, it does not endear you to the judge. Later on, when you need the judge to decide some other issue in your case, don’t think that the judge won’t remember that you blew off his or her orders in the past.
8. Refusing to compromise about anything.
Divorce requires compromise. Period. Unless your spouse totally caves in (which is not particularly likely) you are not going to get everything you want. You are going to have to give in on some things. The more you dig in your heels, the longer your divorce will take and the more it will cost. Plus, in the end, even if you go all the way through trial, some judge will still probably order you to give up things you didn’t want to lose.
9. Not verifying the numbers on your budget and balance sheet.
Even if you were the spouse who managed the money in your marriage, making a budget based upon what you “think” or “remember” your income and expenses to be, without taking the time to double-check your numbers, can cause your budget to be complete garbage. No matter how much of a pain it may be, verifying that your divorce budget and balance sheet are accurate can save you from making enormous financial mistakes in your divorce.
10. Withdrawing large sums of money out of the joint account without your spouse’s knowledge or agreement.
Do you really think your spouse won’t notice that you’ve raided the joint bank account? Really?!
Unilaterally removing large sums of money from your bank account is the quickest way I know to get yourself slapped with an injunction that freezes all of your financial accounts. Plus, a judge will probably order you to return the money, and maybe pay your spouse’s attorney’s fees too.
It doesn’t matter that the only reason you did this was to prevent your spouse from doing it first. Do things the right way. Talk to your spouse. Talk to your lawyer. Don’t play financial games with marital money unless you want to buy yourself a fight.
11. Telling your kids all sorts of horrible things about your spouse (even if they are true!).
Your children are products of both you AND your spouse. When you start bad-mouthing your spouse to your kids, you hurt your kids. It doesn’t matter whether you are telling your kids “the truth.” There are some things that children just don’t need to know about their parents. So, take the high road. Resist the temptation to over-share.
12. Doing anything mean on purpose, just to hurt your spouse.
Yes, hurting your spouse (especially when s/he hurt you badly first) may feel good for a while. But it will almost always make you feel bad later. Who are you? What are your values? What kind of an example do you want to show your kids? As tempting as it may be to needle your spouse just because you can, resist the urge. Later on, you’ll be glad you did.
13. Kicking the can on sensitive child-related issues.
If you and your spouse disagree on critical parenting issues, you need to discuss those issues, and find some way to resolve them, during your divorce. It doesn't matter whether those issues are surrounding which schools your kids will go to, what doctors they'll see, or when you and your spouse get to see them. Dealing with tough parenting issues now will be emotional and difficult. But putting off the discussion until after you are divorced, and expecting to deal with those issues “sometime” in the future, will likely be worse.
14. Not taking charge of (and responsibility for) your own divorce.
Whether getting a divorce was your idea, or whether your spouse wanted a divorce but you didn’t, once your divorce has started, you HAVE to engage with it. Burying your head in the sand will only make your divorce harder and more painful. It will also dramatically increase the chances that you will not get what is important to you in your divorce. No matter how upset or depressed you are, get up, man up, make some goals, and start taking action to achieve them.
15. Not making a post-divorce budget before you settle your case.
You may think you’ll be fine after your divorce is over, but unless you actually run the numbers, you can’t know for sure whether the budget you have in your head will actually work in practice. What’s more, you need to base your proposed budget on facts, not feelings. For example, if you plan on moving out of the marital home after you are divorced, and you haven’t researched what a new apartment will cost – do it now! You don’t want to start your post-divorce life living on the streets or eating cat food for dinner because you miscalculated your living expenses when making your budget.
16. Asking your kids to deliver messages or money to your spouse.
You are an adult. You are a parent. Keep your kids out of the middle of your divorce. If you and your spouse have issues, work them out yourselves. Don’t involve your kids. They're not your messengers and they shouldn't be your peace-makers or confidantes. Let your kids be kids. (And, by the way, this is true even if your kids are adults!)
17. Not keeping a joint calendar for the kids’ during and after your divorce.
Keeping track of all of your kids’ activities, medical appointments, and schedules is daunting for intact families. When you're getting a divorce, or once you are divorced, it’s even harder. There are lots of digital parenting tools that can help you automate your kids’ schedule so that everyone knows what is going on with the kids all the time. If you don't want to use those tools at least create a shared Google calendar for you and your spouse. The sooner you start to use that kind of a calendar, the more smoothly your kids will transition into their new situation, and the more you will lower everyone’s stress level.
18. Not understanding the tax implications of your divorce settlement before it is final.
Not paying attention to taxes before you’re divorced is one of the biggest divorce mistakes you can make. You don’t have to be a CPA. But, if you don’t understand some basic tax principles, you may find that the amount of money you actually get in your divorce settlement is dramatically different from the amount of money that you thought you would be getting. Before you agree to any divorce settlement, run the numbers by an accountant or your divorce financial planner. That will reduce the risk that you will be surprised later.
19. Hiding money.
Yes, this one is counterintuitive. If you hide money and you don’t get caught, then hiding money (essentially stealing from your spouse) seems like a good idea. The problem is, if you DO get caught (and most people do), you will usually end up paying way more money than what you would have paid if you had been honest in the first place. Plus, whether you believe it or not, karma happens. You may get away with stealing money now. But, some day, some way, what you do will come back to you.
20. Giving up on what you REALLY want just to be done.
No one wants their divorce to drag on endlessly. Yet it's in the final stages of negotiation where most divorce mistakes are made. By that time you're exhausted. You've spent a small fortune in legal fees. You just want to be DONE! That's when you're tempted to give up the farm. That's also exactly when you need to hold firm on what really matters to you, but let go of what doesn't.
21. Not making sure your parenting schedule works BEFORE you enter it in court.
A lot of things that look good on paper turn out to be a nightmare in real life. Until you have lived with a parenting schedule for a while, it is hard to judge whether it works for your kids or not. You may find that your kids don’t function well with the schedule you and your spouse set up. Or, you may discover that exchanging the kids during the height of rush hour traffic makes everyone’s life miserable. The best way to make a parenting schedule is to set it up, start living with it, change it as necessary, and THEN put it into your final divorce judgment.
BONUS MISTAKE: Assuming that you can change your divorce judgment later.
Many people include terms in their divorce judgment that they don’t really agree with because they assume that they can just change those terms later. That’s not always true! While the portions of your divorce judgment that pertain to your kids may be modifiable, the financial parts of your judgment may not be. Plus, changing your divorce judgment will require you to go back to court. It will cost you time and money. There is also no guarantee that the judge will allow you to make the change that you want. The bottom line is that you shouldn’t put anything in your divorce judgment unless you expect it to be there forever.
Avoiding Mistakes in Your Divorce
Getting a divorce is fraught with potential pitfalls. These are just some of the most common divorce mistakes that people make. There are more.
If you want to avoid making critical divorce mistakes, then you need to do two things: 1) educate yourself about the realities of divorce BEFORE you finalize anything, and 2) put together the best divorce team that you can.
With the right knowledge and information, and the right professional guidance, you should be able to avoid making the most painful divorce mistakes. That, in turn, will put you in the best position to start a new life once your divorce is behind you.
This article was originally published in February, 2019 and updated on November 5, 2024.
#21. My divorce of a forty-one year marriage was titled FINAL DIVORCE DECREE. Well, apparently, in Alabama ( big surprise!) FINAL DOES NOT MEAN FINAL! He Defendant virtually never paid alimony on time as ordered by His Honor, but I was told oh, that doesn’t matter. Ummmm, it is the law and the Judge ordered it. The ex-monster (a beating and biting horrible entity) committed many contempts of court, but those bunch of redneck “attorney’s” just DID NOT CARE. So now we’re in “FINAL” DIVORCE DECREE 2.0! I have jewelry that has been in my family for four generations, and they insist I sell it, because the ex-monster “doesn’t have enough money for alimony! “ Almost everything the Defendant said on the stand under oath was lie after lie after lie! Unbelievable! I wish I could have had you! At least you care…AND YOU DONT HAVE A Y-CHROMOSOME‼️ Thank you for your information! Unfortunately a little to late…but perhaps not. Keep ‘em coming, Esquire!
You’re welcome. Sorry to hear about all this.
I wish you the best.
Divorce sucks, especially when you don’t want it to happen. However I can only do the things I have control over.
Thank you so much for some good advice- God bless!
My husband tried to kill me (strangle me) and I fled to a shelter. I got a PFA and started the process of divorce. I feel like some of these things don’t pertain to me. If he could talk civil then I would not be so scared of him. It doesn’t feel like it’s the same as a more normal divorce.
You’re absolutely right. This article was not specifically tailored to domestic violence situations. Those are, unfortunately, very different from an average divorce.
Thank you again Karen for continuing to share this valuable , helpful information .
You’re welcome!
Can you appeal Domestic violence restraining order I was an allowed to have my witness in court after they listed on the strain order I get able to get them off the restraining order and they fight and beg Keep them out from being a witness for me
I’m afraid that’s a legal question I can’t answer online. You’ll have to ask a good divorce lawyer in your area that question.
Hi Karen.im so glad to hear about your help to Women like me.Im unemployment mother of two sons it’s more than three years ago living in the same roof with my husband. I’m still wanting for our final settlement agreement.Is not easy cos kids are here with us .I’m performing everything as a mother.its so hard but with a grace of God I did come to sake promotional help to you.Hope to recover because it hurt so bad.
I’m so sorry to hear your situation! I hope things get going in the right direction for you! Hang in there!