Episode Description - 26 Years Together And I Don't Enjoy His Company
Imagine carrying the weight of someone else’s happiness for so long that you forget what it feels like to breathe. Robin has spent the last ten of her 26 years together with her husband slowly suffocating as she's become her husband's caretaker instead of his partner.
While he battles depression and anxiety with little progress despite years of treatment, Robin finds herself drowning in guilt over wanting something she can barely admit: freedom.
Four sessions into couples therapy with her husband, she's finally confronting a devastating truth: she's been building a rich, fulfilling life that deliberately excludes the man sleeping next to her every night.
Now she wonders whether the small cosmetic changes happening in therapy can address the deeper disconnection that's been festering for years, or if it's time to finally have the conversation she's been avoiding about what she truly needs.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Robin
- Robin’s Situation: Married 26 years, 3 kids (ages 21–27, youngest still at home for 2 more years).
- Marriage Issues:
- Resentment built from waiting too long to enter therapy.
- Husband struggles with long-term depression and anxiety.
- Therapy and medication have not brought significant change.
- Small improvements (helping around house, occasional outings) feel superficial.
- Robin’s Feelings:
- Feels disconnected and unhappy for at least 10 years.
- Enjoys her own life, friends, and work—doesn’t look forward to time with husband.
- Doesn’t feel partnership or connection.
- Thinks she’d be better off alone, possibly open to future companionship but not dependent on it.
- Barriers:
- Strong guilt about leaving—husband relies on her, fears he’ll be lonely.
- Conflict-avoidant; struggles to initiate hard conversations.
- Afraid of hurting him and the weight of responsibility for his happiness.
- Karen’s Coaching:
- Robin already knows she’s unhappy and likely wants out.
- Avoidance of conflict has prolonged the situation.
- Encourages Robin to stop carrying responsibility for his happiness.
- Suggests being honest in therapy about her needs (connection, lightness, shared happiness).
- Reframe conversation: not ultimatums, but “this is what I need.”
- Robin can only control herself, not fix him.
- Outcome of Session:
- Robin feels clarified and more comfortable with a step forward.
- Plans to bring honesty and clear needs into the next therapy session.
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Transcript
26 Years Together And I Don't Enjoy His Company
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
marriage counseling, disconnection, resentment
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Robin
Karen Covy Host
00:08
Welcome to Breakthrough Divorce Coaching. I'm your host, Karen Covy, and this is a very special series of the Off the Fence podcast where you get a front row seat to live coaching sessions with real people facing real challenges in divorce. With real people facing real challenges in divorce. There's no scripts, no theory, just raw, powerful conversations that lead to real breakthroughs, because one breakthrough can change everything. If you've ever wondered what divorce coaching looks like behind the scenes, this is your chance to find out. So, without any further ado, let's go witness a breakthrough. Hey Robin, welcome to the show. What can I do for you?
Robin Guest
00:54
Hi Karen, I have been going through therapy with my husband, Rob, and it's been about four sessions. It's something that I've wanted to do for a while, but I waited for too long to do it and because of that, a lot of resentment built up, which came out in really negative ways as far as my tone and staying silent too long. So I went into therapy, probably a few years too late, and I'm now wondering if these are issues that can be fixed at all with therapy or if I let it go too long. I haven't completely made up my mind about where it's going, but I'm just not sure that this is a relationship that I'm going to be able to save and I'm trying to figure out next steps.
Karen Covy Host
01:50
Okay. So if I've got this correct, you tell me, if I'm wrong, that the problem that you're trying to solve is do I stay or do I go?
Robin Guest
Yes, yes,
Karen Covy Host
Okay. Can I ask you some questions?
Robin Guest
Absolutely.
Karen Covy Host
How long have you been married?
Robin Guest
It's for 26 years
Karen Covy Host
And you have kids.?
Robin Guest
We do. We have three,
Karen Covy Host
And what's the age range of your children?
Robin Guest
02:20
From 21 to 27.
Karen Covy Host
02:23
Okay, so are all of your kids grown and gone, or are their kids still living in the house?
Robin Guest
02:30
Kids still living in the house, and that's going to be for at least two more years with the youngest as she finishes up school.
Karen Covy Host
02:39
Okay, and right now, how do you know you're going into marriage counseling, or you're in marriage counseling and it doesn't seem like you're really hopeful about it. How do you feel right now about your marriage?
Robin Guest
03:00
Not great, honestly. Um, I just feel like I have changed a lot and he hasn't, and even though I've been better now through therapy at expressing the things that need to change and they're not small things, I don't know the more we do therapy if he's capable of fully understanding and making these changes.
Karen Covy Host
03:23
What kind of changes are you looking for him to make?
Robin Guest
03:26
It's a lot of. There's a lot of depression and anxiety and it's affecting, there's a heaviness and it's affecting everyone. He's just a very different person and he's in a different stage of his life. There's almost like a giving up into this and not seeing how he can change it, which on my side it's like by making these changes, maybe to a morning routine or something it is possible to change, but he just can't fully comprehend that or doesn't feel he's capable of making those changes.
Karen Covy Host
04:10
Do you want to save your marriage?
Robin Guest
04:14
Wow, that's a very good question. I go back and forth. I honestly do. I feel most of my feelings are. I feel so badly about doing this to him because he needs this in his life. It adds structure. He's a very good father. Since the kids are around, they truly enjoy having him there and he adds a lot to their lives. But I just get worried about how he's going to keep going after we split. So most of the time I'm like I think I'd prefer to be on my own.
Karen Covy Host
04:56
So it sounds like a lot of what's holding you back is guilt.
Robin Guest
05:01
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Is he in therapy himself?
Robin Guest
He is for many years and part of the issue is that it's been decades of therapy, medication and not significant change. In fact, the last few years it's only gotten worse. But on my side of the fence I'm seeing, you know it's like okay, so things aren't better, even with all of this help. How could you not want to make another change so you can feel better and help this relationship? But he doesn't see a way out.
Karen Covy Host
05:39
Well is there. I mean, how is the marriage? Counseling or therapy, how is that going? Do you feel any progress? Is that helping you at all, or is it just blah, blah, blah?
Robin Guest
05:50
She's wonderful. I love our therapist. I think she understands it. We end up spending a lot of time talking about his issues because there are a lot and he has a lot of reasons to be like he is, but I don't feel like there's any reasons that he should still be like he is and not want to make a change. Um, so I do feel like she's doing a good job. There's been progress in very small cosmetic ways helping more around the house, um little. You know, let's go out and do something together because we have very parallel lives. I got used to that and I have a very full life with work and friends and activities, and I've just learned to now create my own happiness in that way, and it doesn't involve him anymore. So is it helping? Right now it hasn't achieved anything that I needed to achieve, but again, these are really big issues. It's not just help me with the dishes after dinner, it's to create your own happiness, and I know that's not an easy ask your own happiness and I know that's not an easy ask.
Karen Covy Host
06:55
And it sounds like you've created your own happiness and your own life without him?
Robin Guest
07:11
Yeah, I truly enjoy myself, Like I have so much, so many great things going on. And that's the one black area, you know, where I was like, oh this, just I don't enjoy it. I, even if we go do something together, it's not something I look forward to. I don't want to.
Karen Covy Host
Why not? What happens?
Robin Guest
I don't enjoy his company as much anymore. There's I don't feel there's a partnership. It's not like when you go out with a friend and you're looking forward to having a conversation. I don't feel any of that.
Karen Covy Host
07:46
And how long have you felt that way?
Robin Guest
07:49
A long time. Yeah, it's been at least 10 years and it took me. But I was so busy with work and kids when they're younger, and every focus was on everything but myself. Every focus was on everything but myself. So it was nagging in the background, but not something that was taking over where I was like I've got to do something. So I knew it was there, but it came to the forefront when kids are older and adults and I could focus more on myself.
Karen Covy Host
08:19
So now that the kids are gone, you're taking a look at the relationship that you have left and saying, I don't know.
Robin Guest
08:29
Yeah, it's not there and I'd even. I even feel like I'd be better on my own. I don't necessarily need Would. It be great to find somebody who I truly enjoyed being with Absolutely, but I also think I'd be better off just being on my own.
Karen Covy Host
08:47
So, honestly, it sounds to me like you already know the answer.
Robin Guest
08:54
I know it's as scary as hell, though.
Karen Covy Host
08:56
That's the problem. It's that you know that this is over. I mean, if you've been living like this for 10 years and therapy is making small, teeny, tiny, incremental progress, you already know that this is not the relationship that you want to be in. The challenge is talking to him about it and getting him it sounds like you feel responsible for him.
09:23
I do. I feel like it's going to be incredibly hurt. I know it's going to be incredibly hurtful. I know that he relies on me for a lot of things. He doesn't have as much going on in his life, so there's a lot of focus on family and me and not himself. So, yeah, I do feel like it's going to have this massive impact and he's going to be alone and lonely.
Karen Covy Host
And that’s not your responsibility?
Robin Guest
I know, I know it has been for years, but I feel like it shouldn't be anymore.
Karen Covy Host
10:01
You're trying to fix him.
10:03
Yeah yeah,
Karen Covy Host
You're trying to fix him and he doesn't want to lose you and on some level, he knows what's going on. I can't believe that this man has lived in this marriage for that many years if the last 10 years have been disconnected and not happy and not noticed that things are not what they want to be or what you want them to be, that you're not happy. He can't not know that there's something amiss. Have you had conversations with him about I'm not happy. This isn't working for me. What can we do to change this? Have you had those conversations?
Robin Guest
10:49
Yeah, I mean he even said you know, are you thinking divorce? And he said that a couple of times and I said I don't know what I'm thinking right now, but I know that things can't be the same as they are. That's what I'm confident about. So he knows I'm not happy, but part of the problem what you just said was you know that he wasn't aware that it was bad for so long. That was shocking to me that there was because I think he was so self-absorbed and caught up in his own issues that he couldn't see past that anxiety and depression
Karen Covy Host
11:25
100% and never underestimate the power of denial. Human beings can deny what is clearly in front of their face for a very long time when they don't want to see it. So the issue is now that you are in therapy, can you talk about your feelings and have these discussions about what you would want in a marriage if you were to continue in it?
Robin Guest
11:49
I could, and I think it's interesting because I'm able to express myself so clearly if I'm talking to friends or professionally, but I have such a block starting that conversation. It was hard enough to even say let's go into couples therapy. That was scary as hell, to bring that up. I'm very conflict avoidant, so it would be easy to just continue doing what we're doing for the rest of my life and his life. It would. That would be he'd be fine with that
Karen Covy Host
12:17
But it doesn't sound like you would be fine with that. No. What kind of life do you want to live? If you could, if I'll give you my magic wand I'll lend it to you right now you can create any kind of life that you want. What kind of life do you want?
Robin Guest
12:36
I think of lightness is the first word that comes to mind. Just light and fun connected, but the lightness comes up more than anything. Not being responsible for somebody else's happiness, yeah, that's what I see, and I do see that I haven't really had a partner. When you think about it Physically, yes, somebody's been there, but I haven't really had a partner in years, so it's not a major change to be on my own. It would be very similar.
Karen Covy Host
13:08
You know it sounds like I mean, first of all, living with somebody who's got depression. There is a heaviness about that, right For sure. But if you and it also sounds like he didn't realize what was going on and you didn't want to talk about it, because it's interesting, and it's not just you, Everybody feels this way. There are very few people in the world. There are some, but there are very few people in the world that want to go in and start an all-out brawl with their spouse. Right, Everybody is conflict avoidant, but it's in avoiding the conflict that you actually cause the problems that make the marriage dissolve.
14:00
So how would you feel if you just started being honest and being more of yourself and not taking responsibility for him? Like, take responsibility for you and your actions and whatever you do, but stop doing the things that you're doing. My guess is you tell me, if I've got this right, that you're the one that plans the family outings, that plans the get-togethers, that's in charge of his social life.
Robin Guest
Yep, that's all true.
Karen Covy Host
What if you didn't do that anymore?
14:29
Yeah, it would feel amazing, and anytime there's been an honest discussion it's been freeing, it feels good, and that's what I keep trying to think about is that feeling afterwards. But for some reason, there is this major block of starting the next level of this conversation, because now there's a comfort at this level of like okay, we need to talk this out. There are some issues Now I'm comfortable with that, but now it's taking it up to turning the dial up.
14:58
Yeah, here's the thing. You can talk about the little issues and you can stay in couples therapy for years and with no offense to couples therapy, because it's very, very helpful, but you're not moving the needle. The real issue is you're not happy with the relationship that you're in. You're feeling like you're responsible for everything and you're tired of carrying that weight. Of course, everything feels heavy. So what's positive is, since you have the couples therapist there, what if the next couples therapy session that you have, you were honest and you said here's how I'm feeling, here's what I need, and just lay it out on the table and see what happens?
Robin Guest
15:48
Yeah, I will try that. There's a session next week so I can try that and see how it feels. Try to get myself some courage.
Karen Covy Host
15:57
How does it feel? Going in, because here's the thing. You need the courage to have it, but to have the conversation. But until you have that conversation, you don't know whether this can work or not. You're assuming that it can't work. But do you see, you're assuming it can't work, but you're staying in the same situation, going to therapy trying to make it work, but knowing that it's not going to work. That's not helpful. If you can go in there and say this is what I want, what is one thing that you that would create lightness in your marriage and happiness for you? Not doing the dishes, but can you put your finger on something that would help, that would make you feel like you weren't carrying the responsibility of everything yourself?
Robin Guest
16:47
Right, yeah, and I think that comes down to changing what he's doing to try to fix himself, like I think that's what it, because the things, the tactics being used now of medication and therapy and things like that, I feel like there's got to be another. You know the definition of insanity right, doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. That's what's being done now is the same things, and I, what I'm asking for is, at the very least, what I'd like to see is something different being done to try to create a bigger change.
Karen Covy Host
17:36
Okay, and he's not going to do anything different until he realizes how serious this problem is, and even then he might not do anything different. Until he realizes how serious this problem is, and even then he might not do something different. I don't know. But here's the deal. You want to get in there and if there is any way of making your marriage work 100%, do that and you have the opportunity in therapy to explore. Is that true or is that not true? Right, is there something that can fix the marriage? And you are not going to be able to change him, no matter what you do. The only person that you can change is you. So are you willing to have the conversation, the honest conversation, about how you feel and say to him I am not going to take responsibility for your happiness anymore?
Robin Guest
18:22
Yeah, and I think it's a good way. I'm going to write that down, because I have been saying that in different ways. You know it usually comes out as when he's saying but I did this, this and this, aren't things better? And I'm like, yeah, that's again all about me and trying to make me happy, it should be about you.
Karen Covy Host
18:43
Right, what you're looking for is connection, and you don't build. I mean, yeah, doing the dishes is nice, doing all the small superficial things are nice, but you feel the reason that they're not doing it for you is because it's all on the surface and you're looking for something deeper and you want to know from him is he willing to make that deeper connection, the connection that you had the day you married him? Right, that's what you're looking for, and I don't know the answer of whether he's going to be able to do this or not, and he doesn't either. But you are looking to him for your happiness and your fulfillment in this relationship. You can't. As long as you do that, you lose. You can't control him. So all you can control is your side of the street. If you can commit to making yourself happy and not being responsible for him anymore, just try it.
19:42
You're not saying I want a divorce. You're not saying I want a separation. You're not saying move out of the house. All you're saying is I am not going to be the one carrying this whole relationship. I am not going to make you happy. If you want to be happy, you've got to do it yourself. And oh, by the way. This is what I need in the relationship, and I'll give you the time and space to do that in whatever way you see fit or not, you can say to me I don't want to do that, but this is what I need, and let's see how it goes now. Are you willing to do that?
Robin Guest
20:18
Yes, I am, because I like the way that you framed it where it's. I'm not coming in with the end result, like if you don't do this, then this is going to happen. It's more about. This is what I need, because I think that was part of my. What was stopping me, blocking me, was okay. I'm giving this ultimatum that it went in this and this. Instead, reel it back. This is about me getting what I need, and so I like reframing it in that way. That makes me more comfortable.
Karen Covy Host
20:46
You are not putting your happiness, you're not letting it ride on. What he does or doesn't do, what he does or doesn't decide, that's his business. All you can do is say this is who I am, this is what I need. And oh, by the way, this is the level of seriousness that we're at in this conversation. So I'm not saying you have to do anything or not doing it. Do anything. But I'm saying this is where I'm at and we're headed down a path where we might not be together anymore. So do what you need to do. I'm going to do it. But at least he will know Men have a problem with women. They don't understand them and they're like I don't know what she wants. If you tell him very clearly this is what I want, it's not about the dishes or the superficial stuff. It's about the connection and both of us being happy together. And whatever you got to do to do that, that's fine, and if you don't want to do that, that's fine. But I'm going to create that for me and we'll see how it goes. Make sense?
Robin Guest
Yeah it makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
Karen Covy Host
You're welcome. And then the last thing I'm going to say and then we'll bring this, we'll, we'll wrap this up is, um, that I want to hear from you again and see how it goes, but before I say goodbye, how do you feel now?
Robin Guest
22:09
I feel more I feel clarification, I feel more comfortable. More I feel clarification, I feel more comfortable. I feel like I can do this now. It was too big before and this broke it down into a very digestible chunk, so I appreciate that.
Karen Covy Host
22:25
Awesome, awesome. That's what I want to hear, and I look forward to hearing from you again and seeing how everything went.
Robin Guest
Thank you, Karen.
Karen Covy Host
You're welcome. Thank you. If you enjoyed today's episode. If you'd like to see more live divorce coaching, do me a big favor give this episode a thumbs up and drop the word MORE in the comments below. And if you'd like to be a guest on the show and apply to get your own free, live divorce coaching, just go to karenovy.com slash free coaching to apply. That's KarenCovy.com/freecoaching all one word and apply now.
