Episode Description - Should I Get a Divorce? How to Make a Decision You Feel Good About
When you can’t decide whether to stay or go in your marriage, your biggest fear is that if you decide to leave, you’ll be making a mistake. But staying on the fence can be an even bigger one.
In this special solo episode of the Off the Fence Podcast, I talk about why staying in limbo is so hard, and how you can finally move through it. I break down why waiting for absolute certainty will keep you frozen, and why clarity comes from taking action, not from a magical, lightning-bolt moment. Most importantly, I explore the real impact of staying versus leaving on children, finances, identity, and long-term happiness, all while challenging some of the biggest myths people believe about divorce.
Whether you're just beginning to question your marriage or you've been wrestling with the decision about whether to stay or go for years, this podcast episode offers a roadmap for moving from confusion to clarity.
It will help you learn how to trust yourself enough to make this kind of decision, and will give you a practical framework and the tools to make that decision in a way you won't second-guess for the rest of your life.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Karen
- Divorce uncertainty is normal — waiting for 100% certainty keeps people stuck; the goal is integrity with yourself, not absolute clarity.
- Deciding to stay or leave is a process, not a snap decision; it requires time, reflection, and information.
- Rough patch vs. broken marriage comes down to time, repeated patterns, and behavior—not short-term conflict.
- Before leaving, try to repair the marriage (therapy, counseling, coaching, honest conversations) to avoid future regret.
- A spouse’s willingness to work matters — consistent refusal, stonewalling, or indifference is critical information.
- Divorce doesn’t harm kids—conflict does; prolonged tension, hostility, or emotional coldness impacts children more than divorce itself.
- How you divorce matters more than divorcing — high-conflict divorces damage kids; strategy, planning, and respect are essential.
- Finances must be addressed first — gather real numbers (income, expenses, assets, debts) and consult professionals before deciding.
- Good decisions align head, heart, and gut — logic, emotions, and intuition must all be considered together.
- Use the IRAPA framework:
- Information → Widen options → Reality test → Attain distance → Plan → Action to make confident, regret-free decisions.
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Transcript
Should I Get a Divorce? How to Make a Decision You Feel Good About
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
divorce decision making, head, heart & gut alignment
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy
Karen Covy: 0:10
Hello, and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision making so we can discover what keeps us stuck, and more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator, and arbitrator, turned coach, author, and entrepreneur. And now without further ado, let's get on with the show.
This is a very special episode of the Off the Fence Podcast. It's a solo episode, and the reason I decided to do it is because it's January, and January is known as divorce month. And the reason is really simple because a lot of people try to hold it together during the holidays. They don't want to ruin Christmas for their kids. And so they wait until January to do something. Except when January comes, sometimes it's hard to do what you thought you were going to do. And so what we're going to talk about in this episode is how to decide whether you should stay or whether you should go. Because this is a place where a lot of people get stuck. And they get stuck not just for weeks or months, but usually for years and sometimes for decades. So I'm going to, in this episode, field some of the most common questions about getting unstuck, making this decision, deciding is this what I should do or shouldn't do, and how do I know? Because that's a big question, right?
But what I'm not going to do in this episode is tell you what to do. Because I don't get to make that decision for you. The only one who can ultimately decide whether you should stay or whether you should go is you. But what we're going to talk about today is how do you make that decision in a way that's in integrity with yourself so that you're not second-guessing yourself all the way through your divorce and you're not looking back afterwards saying, I think I made a mistake, right? Because that's a place where nobody wants to be.
So the format of this is going to be QA. I'm going to answer some questions. And I want to start with the number one question, which is, is this normal to be this uncertain about this decision? And the answer is 100% yes. Not even a question. Because divorce affects every aspect of your life. It affects your kids, your money, your house, your social life, your lifestyle, your identity. It affects pretty much every aspect of life as you know it. And when you dive into a divorce, you don't know how it's going to end. So of course you're unsure. Of course you have doubts. And what you need to understand is that like so many people wait for that 100% certainty. They're looking for the lightning bolt to come from the sky and say, yes, now I get it. I'm perfectly clear. I know for sure this is what I want to do. And sometimes some people get that moment of complete clarity. Most of the time, most people don't.
And if you wait for 100% certainty about anything, you're probably going to be stuck in a lot of areas of your life for most of your life. So what you're looking for isn't, you know, certainty beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's certainty inside of yourself, knowing that you made the best decision you could with the information that you have. You've done whatever you need to do to be in integrity with yourself about the decision that you're making. And then you make the decision and move on. So if you're, you know, if you're waiting for a lightning bolt, it's not going to happen. And if you're thinking that you're going to make this decision overnight, that's not likely to happen either. I mean, sometimes it does. You catch your spouse cheating, like in the act, so to speak. You walk into the bedroom and there's your spouse and somebody else. Okay, that can cause you to make a snap decision. But even then, that doesn't always happen. Even then you have second, you know, you second guess yourself and you have doubts because you say, What's going to happen with my kids? What's going to happen with my life? What's going to happen with fill in the blank, right? So this is a process, not a snap decision. If you know that much, that's going to help you a lot.
The second question, how do I tell the difference between a rough patch and this is this marriage is over, it's dead, it's not going anywhere. And that's a really good question, right? And it has to do with a couple of things. Number one is time, right? If you just started having problems, you and your spouse started arguing about whatever it is, or something came up and it this has only been going on for a short period of time, meaning a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months, that's a rough patch, more likely than not. But if you've had problems and it's the same issues that have been coming up over and over and over and again for years, that's not a rough patch, that's a pattern. And when you see a pattern of behavior that you can't live with, that's when you start to have those questions about should I really stay or should I go? And when you identify a pattern, the next question you're going to ask yourself is can I live with this? Is there something in the way I look at life or my mindset that I can shift and this will be okay? And the next question is, if the answer to that is no, I just I'm sick of this, I can't tolerate it, I don't want to live like this anymore. The next question is, what else can you do to change it? Have you tried all the usual suspects? Have you gone to marriage counseling? Have you tried like talking to, if you've got a religious counselor, a pastor, a rabbi, or something? You know, have you talked to someone you trust about it? Have you gotten individual therapy so you can clarify your own thoughts or worked with a coach who can help you figure out what's going on inside of you and what do you really want? And can this marriage be saved? Can it be fixed? Can you work on it? Right? Those are all important, important questions. And if the answer to those is no, we haven't tried anything yet, then 100% go do that. Because if you haven't tried to repair the marriage, then those are the, you know, that's when you start to have doubts after the fact. That's when you say, I wish I would have done blah, blah, blah. Maybe we wouldn't have ended up in a divorce. That's not where you want to be. When you make this decision, you want to be as sure as you can be that this is the right decision for you and your family.
So first try to repair. Second, look at, you know, will your spouse, is your spouse willing to work on the marriage? And unfortunately for a lot of people, the answer is no. They don't want to go to marriage counseling or they don't think there's anything wrong with the marriage. You know, they're perfectly fine. You're the one that's suffering. What you have to remember is marriage is a partnership. And if your spouse can see that you're suffering, you tell them, I am not happy, something has to change. Will you go to marriage counseling with you with me? Will you go to a retreat with me? Will you read this book on, you know, on how to repair your marriage or how to have a happy marriage or whatever it is? A book, a course, a therapy, a something. And if their answer is no, no, and no, that's information. It doesn't mean your marriage is over, but and there are people who will say one person can save a marriage. Maybe that's true. Um, but if your spouse is just saying no, that tells you how invested in the marriage they are.
The other thing you need to look at is if your spouse is saying no, what's their behavior, right? Are they stonewalling? Are they just like plugging their ears, closing their eyes, and saying, la la la la la, everything's fine, everything's fine. I don't want to work on anything, or I don't want to change, it's all your problem. Well, that's why you start this process with looking at what do I want? What do I believe? Um, is there something in my own mindset that I need to look at to make this marriage work or make this marriage better? And if you've done all that work and still nothing has changed and they're still the same and they're stonewalling you, that is not a good sign, right? So you want to look at that.
The other thing you want to understand is that marriages, especially marriages that started when you were young, um, every relationship evolves. And sometimes you evolve together and sometimes you evolve apart. And so what you're looking for is your spouse in the same head space as you are? Are they interested in growth? Or are they just stagnating? Do they want everything to be the same? Because then the questions you're asking yourself are can I tolerate this? Am I okay with this sameness for the rest of my life? And an important question to ask yourself is this if nothing changes, if this relationship stays exactly as it is for the next five years, five years from now, am I going to be happy that I stayed or not? And that's gonna tell you a lot because when you project yourself into the future and you look back and you say, I that's when you it becomes clearer what you really want for your life. So that's the answer to question number two. How you tell the difference between a rough patch and you know a real problem or the end of your marriage? It has to do with length of time, it has to do with patterns, and it has to do with behavior.
Okay, question number three will divorce ruin my kids? No. Study after study has shown that it is not divorce that ruins your kids' life, it's conflict. So living in conflict for a prolonged period of time is gonna give your kids problems. It's gonna they're gonna have issues from that, right? Now, let's talk about conflict, because conflict doesn't always mean that you and your spouse are at each other's throat all the time. Conflict, the most devastating kind of conflict, can be that cold, you know, I the the cold conflict, the conflict where your spouse won't engage, where they're ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment. When kids live in that kind of conflict, they still feel tension. So it's not about always about open warfare, it's about that underlying tension. That's the conflict I'm talking about. And it can be the, you know, arguing, yelling at each other, all-out war kind of conflict where you and your spouse are always at odds with each other. Or it can it can be indifference, right? And indifference, a child who lives in a relationship in a family where the parents are indifferent to each other, that's not going to scar them in the same way. But what it teaches them is that's normal. That's what marriage looks like. Mom does her thing, dad does his thing, and you know, they tolerate each other. And children don't learn from what you tell them, they learn by what they see you doing. So, if that's the example of a marriage that you're setting for them, don't be surprised if you don't change anything, that when they grow up, that is exactly the kind of marriage they have. So if you're okay with that, great. But if you're not, you want to look at, you know, what are you teaching your children by staying?
And also you always want to look at the flip side of both question uh, you know, of any question. Are you okay with them seeing you leave? Because that teaches them something too. But if they have seen you trying, they've seen you working at it, they've seen your spouse working at it and or not, and things just don't work out, that sends a message as well. And so what you have to start with is saying, what am I trying to teach my children and what is my behavior actually teaching them? Because that can be two very different things.
That having been said, the way you go through your divorce also dramatically impacts kids. Lots of people who are in marriages that are kind of like, eh, you know, go along, come along, and they're not great, but they're not horrible. When one person wants a divorce because they say, I can't live like this anymore, and the other person doesn't, and that's when the conflict escalates. And they're in court every other day, and it's, you know, motion after motion, and they're spending tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars fighting over every single possible thing they can in the divorce. And they're fighting over the kids, and they're bad mouthing each other to the kids and saying, Did you know that your father, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or your mother, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And they put their kids in the middle. That kind of behavior on both of your parts will hurt your kids. So it's not the divorce per se, it's not the rearranging of the family per se that's going to hurt your kids. It's the way you handle it. So knowing that, you want to put yourself in the best position possible if you are going to get a divorce to do it with respect, to do it with intelligence. That means you need a strategy, you need a plan, and you have to decide, if you want this, that your divorce is going to be as amicable as you can make it.
And of course, you've got a spouse that's involved in this too. You can want the most amicable divorce in the world. But if you're married to a high conflict spouse, it's not going to be amicable, right? You're going to have some level of a high conflict divorce. So, in that situation, especially, you need to be prepared. You need a plan. You need to have some way of coping with what you know is not going to be a great situation and protecting your children as they go through it. But again, I know so many people who have let their high conflict marriage stop them from getting a divorce, only to see their children years later get in high conflict marriages and go through the same thing they did. If that's not what you want for your child, you've got to think about, you know, do you want to do this? What are you teaching them? And how can you help them see that it doesn't have to be World War III?
So the next question is, what if I can't afford to leave? And that is a really good question. And I think people get all hung up about the money and they say, you know, oh gosh, I'm just staying for the money. That feels terrible. Yeah, but if you're going to, if getting a divorce means that you're going to be living in a studio apartment with you and three children and a dog, and you're going to be eating ramen noodles for the rest of your life, or at least for the next year, that's not good, right? So starting. You know, when you start this to figure out the answer to this question of should I stay or should I leave, understand that the answer comes from three places. It's a combination of head, heart, and gut. And in a perfect world, if you can get those three lined up, no matter what they say, whether it's on the side of staying or on the side of leaving, but you can get those three lined up, now you've got your answer.
But you always start with your head. And your head is going to start with finances. Because if you don't have enough money to leave, if you can't support yourself, or you know, you don't, you're not going to be able to take care of your kids, that's a real issue and that's a real concern. And then the answer to the question of should I stay or should I go might be, well, yeah, you should go, but not now. You need to work with a coach or a therapist or a financial advisor and get that plan in place.
So how do you know if financially you can afford to get a divorce? You have to look at your numbers. There is no other way. And a lot of times you're like, oh yeah, I pay the bills. I think we're kind of okay and we make the we make ends meet every month. No, no, no, no, no. You need hard data. You need to gather up all of your information and figure out four things. Number one, how much money do you have coming in every month? Number two, how much money do you have going out every month? Number three, what are your assets? In other words, what do you own? And number four, what do you owe? All of your debt put together, student loans, credit card bills, mortgage payments, car payments, what do you own? What do you owe? And you put it all on paper. And when it's on paper, now you can see, oh, we're living above our means. Maybe that's the first problem that you've got to tackle before you can get a divorce. Or maybe the answer to that question, you say, oh, we're living above our means. And you have the discussion with your spouse about how you need to trim down your lifestyle, not buy so many things. Somebody needs to, you know, get a second job or save money or whatever it is. And your spouse will not participate. Your spouse will not help keep the expenses down, will not help bring more money in, just refuses, and that's the problem that's tearing your marriage apart, then you've got a little bit of a harder decision because you just have to decide maybe you need to stop this now before you go off a financial cliff, or maybe you, you know, or maybe you have to, you know, stay together, go through a bankruptcy. I don't know.
But it starts with putting your numbers together. And if you can't figure out what does this mean, or is this as bad as I think it is, or what are my options? That's when you go to a professional. That professional can be a divorce lawyer and might have to be, especially if you are the um the spouse who's not making as much money. And I'm not saying you go to a divorce lawyer and dive into a divorce. You go to a divorce lawyer and you get information. Okay, you're the spouse who's not making as much money. If you were to get divorced, are you entitled to child support? Are you entitled to spousal support? Oh, you're the spouse who is making the money, you get the answers from the lawyers. How much are you gonna have to pay in spousal support? How much are you gonna have to pay in child support? Because no matter which side of the equation you're on, you've got to make the numbers work.
So that's step one. It may start with a lawyer and understanding what the support situation is going to be. It may start with a lawyer and understanding how property is likely to be divided in your case and in your state. And/or it may also be talking to an accountant. If you have an accountant to talk about, okay, what are the tax implications going to be if I get divorced? If I get divorced this year versus next year. Now, as at the time I'm recording this, it's January. So, you know, that's not as much of a question. But when you're divorcing in November or December, you have more of a choice of which year is going to give you the most tax advantage situation if you divorce in this year or next year. So you got to understand these things in order to make the best decisions for you. You may need to talk to a financial advisor and say, look, here's what we own and here's what we owe. Putting all the financial pieces together, how long am I going to be able to support myself before I run out of money? Or will I run out of money, right?
You may find that you have ideas about money, because we all do, by the way, spoiler alert, we all have ideas about money that we got from our childhood or we got from social media or the person next door or wherever we pick these things up from, and we believe things that aren't true. So unless you are a CPA or a financial advisor, you've probably got some stuff going on that you want to double check and verify. Now is the time to do it. Get answers and find out what is your financial situation. Can you afford to do this? And then you've got to ask yourself, because it always comes back to you, some hard questions, right? What are your values? What kind of a lifestyle do you want? If you get a divorce, I hate to tell you, but for most people, your lifestyle is going to take a hit at least for some period of time. Okay, can you live with that? Are you good with that? And if you're not, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with staying married for the money. People have done it for centuries, millennia, actually, right? And I'm not saying it's good, bad, right, or wrong. It doesn't happen to be fine, you know, in vogue right now. Now we marry for love, and that's what most people want. But if you really don't, cool. Just be honest with yourself and stop trying to be something that you're not. But if you're like most people and you say, no, I actually want a relationship with my spouse, I want that emotional connection, I want something more than just, you know, a lifestyle. Great. Then figure that out. And then once you look at your numbers, you can start to make that plan that says, okay, these are the pieces I have to get in place. This is what I have to do if I want to get a divorce without going broke.
So next question What if I regret it? How do I know I won't wake up one day and think I made a terrible mistake? I have to tell you, in all of the decades that I have been doing this, and it's been a few, the number of people who have regretted it afterwards, I can count on one hand. Most of the time, the biggest regret people have is I wish I would have done it sooner. Right? But that having been said, you don't want regrets, right? You don't want to regret making a decision that changed everything in your life and didn't turn out the way that you want it to. That's why, going back to the first question, you do everything you can before you get a divorce. You try marriage counseling, you try retreats, you try talking to people, you try going to individual therapy, you try anything you can think of, books, courses, whatever, anything that you can to make your marriage work. Because once you make this decision, you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say, I wish I didn't have to make this decision. I wish it didn't end up being that I was divorced. But at the time, I tried everything I could and I just couldn't do it anymore. The relationship was not where I wanted it to be. We weren't right for each other.
And that's the way to not have any regrets and understand that sometimes getting to that place is going to take time. Maybe you're going to have to go through all of these different things, all of try all these different ways to make your marriage work before you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, it's just not happening. And this is also where I told you that get, you know, making this decision is head, heart, and gut. Okay, once your head says, yeah, financially, you're, you know, you're not gonna die, you'll be able to swing it. Then you're checking in with your heart and with your gut. And you're looking at what are your values, what do you believe, and what do you feel, right? Because so many of us, we live from the neck up. And you gotta check in with your heart. And how do you do that? You get real quiet. And often it helps to have a therapist or a coach, somebody you can talk this through with, because in the talking through, you start to get clarity about, yeah, this is how I really feel. And that's when you start to get not just the thinking, but the feeling and the gut check that says, I know that I don't I don't want to do this, but I know it's the right thing for me right now. It's the right thing for my kids right now. So when you can get that head, heart, and gut lined up, that's when you get to the place where you're not gonna have the regret.
Okay, the next question what if my spouse is controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic? What do I do then? Because if any of those things are true, you know that you are not in for an easy time of divorce, right? But divorce is never easy. It's not easy for anyone. You just happen to know that it's going to be extra hard for you. That's when you need extra support. If you've got a spouse who is difficult or controlling and you know your divorce is going to be hard, you really need a plan. You just dive in one day. If you get frustrated and angry and you're having an argument, you just say, that's it, I want a divorce. That's the worst thing you can do. Because now you just started along a path without any preparation, without any planning, and whatever happens is going to happen, and it's probably not going to be pretty. So the most important thing for you is to get all your ducks in a row first. Learn about how divorce works. Work with a coach or therapist to find answers. Get emotional support. Again, coach, therapist, support group, friend group, but you've got to make sure that you've circled the wagons and that you've got people who will support you as you go through it because it's not going to be easy and it's not going to be fun. You need to put together your team, right? Do you need a financial planner? Do you need, you know, a divorce coach? Do you need some realtor to tell you about, you know, what's the house worth? Do you need a CPA to talk to you about taxes? And notice I didn't say, do you need a lawyer? Because the answer to that question is always going to be yes. You need somebody for legal advice. Doesn't mean necessarily you need full-on representation, although most people do, but you're going to need somebody who is gives you advice about this is how it works, this is what the law is, these are these are the scenarios that you're likely looking at if you were to do this in this town, in this county, in this state, because every state and every county is different. And you've got to understand how this works where you're at, because that's what's going to matter to you. You're also going to need somebody to write up the paperwork and walk you through the court system, which, by the way, is not easy, right? I know there's a lot of people who want to go the DIY route. If you have any choice, that is never going to be your best option. Um, but it's up to you. So the the point of this is that if you have a spouse who's gonna be difficult, get yourself prepared beforehand, because that's gonna give you the best chance of calming things down, lowering the temperature on the whole thing, and dealing with whatever happens no matter what it is.
Okay, next question. How do I know when the time is right? And again, we've talked about this a little bit. You've gathered your information, you understand the basics of how divorce works. Look, nobody wants a PhD in divorce, but you understand how the system works, you know what you're facing, you know your options, you're grounded, right? You're not making a decision out of emotion or anger or rage. You've thought about it, you've given a lot of time and attention, and you know, it just there's never going to be a good time, but it's as good a time as any. Now, all that having been said, there are some times you don't that you don't want to get a divorce when it's not the right time, right? So, for example, let's say this is January, in May, your kid is getting married. Do you want to start a divorce now? Maybe not, right? Because, you know, you're gonna have to be at the wedding. You want the focus to be on your child, on the wedding, on their honeymoon, on all the happy stuff. Maybe now is not the time to start a divorce. Or maybe your spouse just lost their job. And so your finances are a mess right now. May not be the good time, a good time to add the extra expense of a divorce on top of that, right? So you do have to look at what's going on in your life, right? Is are both of you employed, or if one person's a stay-at-home spouse, is that like your normal situation? Nobody's nobody needs a job or is going to go out and get a job. Nobody is sick, really sick. You know, if you are, I here's the thing, people don't know about or don't think about really unhappy marriages, is that it takes a toll on your body. And sometimes you're dealing with a major illness. And to add the stress of a divorce on top of that, it's just not what you want to be doing, right? So again, you're checking in with your head, your heart, and your gut and saying, is now a right time, is now the right time for this. Can I handle all of these stressors in my life? And if the answer is no, respect yourself. Respect what your gut is telling you. That doesn't mean that you're never going to get a divorce, but it does mean, or it might mean, that you just need to fall back in the planning stage, get some more ducks in a row, focus on yourself and your own healing, and then move forward. Or focus on your child's wedding or graduation or whatever it is that's coming up. So timing does matter, um, but not as much as you, you know, unless there's something major going on, not as much as you think. And I also want you to think about timing because a lot of people will say, well, I'll do it, you know, next year is going to be better, or the because of this and this, or you know, something. They're waiting for the perfect time.
There is never going to be a perfect time to do a hard thing. And getting a divorce is hard. So if you're waiting for the perfect time, you're going to be waiting for the rest of your life. And then what you're going to be, the regret, when we talked about regret, the regret you're going to have is when you look back at your life and you say, I never lived. I never lived my life. And that is a real regret. So you want to ask yourself when it comes to regret, which will you regret more? Staying or leaving. And when it comes to timing, look at what's going on around you, be aware of that, but also know that the timing is never going to be perfect. So it's now as good a time as any.
Okay. Now, I told you earlier that we would talk about a decision-making framework. And this is a framework that I use with my clients to help them make a decision. And it's primarily a head-based framework, but it's an important one. And full disclosure, I did not totally create this framework. It came from a book called Decisive, and it was written by two professors, professors Chip and Dan Heath. And they looked at, they did a meta-analysis of decision making in a lot of different contexts. Personal, big corporations, military, politics, all these major decisions that people have made, that humans have made over time. Some turned out well, some didn't. And what made the difference, right? And then combining all this information, combining all the data, they came up with a framework that's they called RAP, W-R-A-P. Well, I looked at it and I said, this is great, and it's a nice start, but when you apply it in the context of divorce, it doesn't quite fit.
So my framework that I use, I call IRAPA. And the I stands for information. You've got to get information before you do anything because without data, you're making a decision solely based on emotion, and that's the decision that you regret. So you have to get information about your personal finances. Again, you know, what do you own? What do you owe? What do you make? What do you spend? You've got to understand your financial situation. That's step one. You also need information about the divorce process. How does this work? I can promise you, it is not intuitive, it is not user-friendly. And unless you are a divorce lawyer, it doesn't work the way you think. So getting the information from the right professionals, a coach, a lawyer, a financial advisor, so that you understand at least as well as you possibly can at this point what your options are and what you're facing, that's what you need.
And speaking of options, the second step, the W, stands for widen your options. What keeps so many people stuck is they think divorce is a binary decision. I either get a divorce or I stay married, and I stay married in exactly the same situation as I'm in. Period, full stop. Those are not your only options. And when you look at divorce as a binary decision, it becomes hard to make that decision. But when you realize, hmm, I could do a trial separation. Or maybe we restructure, my spouse and I restructure our marriage so we live independently. And maybe that makes this marriage livable. So we're still married, but we're living in separate places. Or, and I know people who have done all the different kinds of things that I'm talking about. Maybe you have an open marriage, or maybe you realize that does not fit with my values. I don't want an open marriage. Okay, fine. But understand there are a lot of different choices that you have. And if you can work with a professional who helps you understand what all those choices are, then making the decision becomes a little bit less hard.
So after W comes R. You have all these, and when you're making the choices, by the way, to go back for a second, you want to make sure that you don't filter yourself. You just put all the choices down on paper, even if you're like, ooh, I don't think I'd want that one. Great, write it down anyway, right? Then the next step, you look at all of those choices that you've written down and you reality test those choices, because there are going to be some that are just not workable. So again, for example, if you know you have the option of an open marriage and you're like, that does not fit with who I am, great, cross that it for as a realistic option, it doesn't work for you. Cool. Or you reality test, okay, well, could we live in two separate households? Well, can you afford that? Oh, could we each have an apartment or could we share an apartment and then bird nest and come through where the kids stay in the house and we, you know, filter in and out for some period of time till we figure this out. I don't know, but you got to reality test those options. And the most important thing in reality testing is you probably can't do it yourself. You need an expert to help you to say, yeah, this is gonna work, or who you may think that one's gonna work, but I gotta tell you, I've seen that one play out. You don't want to go there, right? So first you widen the options, then you reality test them, which is going to narrow them down just a little bit.
And then you're going to A attain some distance because you are so in the thick of this. You're so far in the forest, you can't see the trees, or you can't see the forest for the trees, or however that saying goes. But you're just, it's too close to you. So this is the point where, again, you may want to talk to somebody who's outside of it and get a second opinion, or you may want to a trick that I use with some of my divorce clients is to say, okay, if this was your best friend in this situation, or if it was your child in this situation, what would you tell them? So it's about trying to pull back and get some distance. And a lot of this is also about taking time to be quiet and listening to yourself, right? Because we're all so busy in this world. I mean, we're we're you know, we're running, we're working, we're going, it's kids, it's it, it, it's, you know, driving to this and taking people to that, and I've got to do this and I've got to do that. And we all have a to-do list that would choke a horse. You've got to stop. You can't think when you're always doing and you're always spinning. You've got to take a step back. And this is something that you can do right now. Make an appointment with yourself every single day. 20 minutes. Longer if you can afford if you can swing it, but 20 minutes where you just sit and do nothing. But the key is not to say, do I want a divorce? Do I want a divorce? Do I want to? Because if you do that, you're just gonna loop in your head, you're gonna, you're gonna go nowhere. But it's like ask yourself different questions. What kind of a life do I want? What do I want for my kids? What matters to me? What are my values? What do I care about lifestyle? And you ask yourself those kinds of questions, now you're gonna be able to get a little bit of distance and say, okay, if this is what matters and this is what I've got, can the two coexist? Or is it they're okay? Is it game over? Can they not? So that's the A.
Then P is plan. Prepare and plan. It's like anything, this is like anything else. Failing to plan is planning to fail. So you've got to make that plan that says, okay, this is what I need to do. This is, you know, this is step one, step two, step three. Now, that having been said, you can be as prepared as you want and you can make the greatest plan in the world, and your divorce can go totally a different direction. It happens. But at least you have a plan to start with, and then when you've got that plan to start, then you can adjust. You can course correct, right? But if you don't even have the plan, your anxiety is going to go through the roof, and you're going to be running around like a chicken with your head cut off and you're going to be ineffective. And that's when you make mistakes. And the problem with making mistakes in divorce is that you can't always undo them, right? You may be stuck with them. So having that plan, being prepared is one of the most important steps in this whole decision-making process.
And then the final thing, the A, is action. Because you can go through all of those steps. You can have the information. You can understand how this works. You can have be as prepared as you want and have the best plan on the planet. But if you don't do something, nothing changes. And that's where a lot of people get stuck. That's where that fear comes in, or worry, or concern, or whatever you want to call it, right? Because once you it starts becoming real, you hesitate, you pull back. But if you take that first step and you start to take action, that's when things move forward. And that's when you actually make a decision.
So that's the framework that you can use and go through. And like I said, all of that framework primarily lives in your head. But the getting quiet and listening to your heart and listening to your gut, those are there's no framework for that other than listening, which is something we don't do very often in our world, in our busy, you know, modern day, you know, digital society. But that's what it takes to make a decision that you're going to feel good about.
Okay. Final question. What if I don't trust myself enough to decide? What if I don't trust my ability to make a good decision in this context? And again, here's what you've got to think about. Divorce shakes your whole identity. It shakes your identity of who you are. And if you think I'm not the kind, I'm the kind of person who can't make decisions or I can't decide. If that's your identity, you will not be able to make this decision. Period, full stop. Because identity is the strongest driver in human psyche. You always have to be consistent with your version of who you think you are. And if you think you can't make a decision, everything that I just said isn't going to help you. You can't make a decision. So it starts with looking at you and saying, can I be somebody else? The answer, by the way, is yes. You can choose to change. You can choose to make good decisions and look back in your life and say, where did I make good decisions? Did I make good decisions with my kids? Did I let them eat ice cream for breakfast when they were six months old? No. Okay. I gave them, you know, you know, pears and peas and, you know, things that were healthy and milk and things that were healthy for a baby. Okay, great. You're capable of making good decisions. And the more decisions you make, and that you can look back in your past and say, yeah, that was a good decision, the more confidence you're going to build in yourself that you can make this decision in a way that's going to work out best for you and your family.
So just to recap, all of these questions come down to three things head, heart, and gut. And checking in with yourself and having the faith and confidence in yourself that you can do this. And sometimes you need help. Sometimes you need some guidance from a good therapist or a good divorce coach or other team members to put all the pieces together. And there is no shame in doing that, right? And if that's where you're at and you want to reach out, please do. You can find me at KarenCovy.com and I'm there for you. And I hope you've enjoyed this very special episode of the Off the Fence Podcast. Next week, we will go back to a regularly scheduled programming with a guest. But if you've liked this, please let me know because I'm happy to do more solo episodes. And I look forward to seeing you again next time.
