Episode Description - Why Your Divorce Fight Isn't Really About Money
A late-night phone call from a terrified eight-year-old changed how one divorce attorney thinks about conflict forever. In this podcast episode, family law attorney and mediator Sharon deFala shares the story behind that call, and how it pushed her away from conducting divorce fights in court and toward resolving them in a calmer, more compassionate way. What she's learned along the way challenges a lot of assumptions about what actually damages kids, and what keeps exes fighting long after the marriage is over.
Sharon breaks down why so many divorce disputes never seem to end, even when the money at stake is small. Sharon discovered that most drawn-out legal fights aren't really about assets or unfairness at all, but about something much harder to let go of.
Sharon explores why some couples remain emotionally attached to the fight, how outside opinions can derail a settlement that actually works, and why dealing with a high-conflict spouse may require you to stop trying to change them and start looking for another path to your goal.
By shifting the focus from winning, fairness, and rigid legal positions to dealing with the everyday realities both you and your ex will soon face, you can change your entire divorce process.
What's more, the choices you make during your divorce will determine whether you carry the conflict with you long after the divorce is over.
If you're embroiled in a divorce fight that seems like it will never end, this podcast episode may just change the entire course of your divorce.
Show Notes
About Sharon
Sharon Oberst DeFala is a family law attorney, mediator, holistic divorce professional, and Reiki Master who has been helping individuals and families navigate life's transitions with compassion and clarity since 1992. Known as the "divorce attorney with a heart," Sharon combines decades of legal experience with a holistic approach that prioritizes not only the outcome of a divorce, but how clients move through the process. She is also the author of the book, Love Your Divorce: Your Guide to a Holistic Happier Ever After.
Connect with Sharon
You can connect with Sharon on Facebook at Sharon DeFala and follow her on Instagram at sharondefala. To learn more about Sharon's work and her book, Love Your Divorce: Your Guide to a Holistic Happier Ever After, connect with her via her social media channels.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Sharon
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Transcript
Why Your Divorce Fight Isn't Really About Money
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Sharon deFala
TRANSCRIPT
[Episode Preview]
Sharon: At 10 o'clock at night on my home landline, I got a phone call from an eight-year-old girl saying she and her brother weren't allowed to go to bed. The mother and father were told that if either one allowed the kids to sleep on the "wrong" side of the house, they would lose custody. I had to go to their house at 10:00 PM just so those children could go to sleep. These kids needed a stranger to walk in and advocate for them because their parents were so busy listening to bad advice from their lawyers. I don't litigate anymore. I don't believe in letting cases reach that point.
[Podcast Intro]
Karen: Hello, and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck, and more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator, and arbitrator turned coach, author, and entrepreneur. And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show.
Welcome and Guest Introduction
Karen: With me today, I have the pleasure of speaking with Sharon Oberst deFala. Sharon is a family law attorney, mediator, holistic divorce professional, and Reiki master who has been helping individuals and families navigate life's transitions with compassion and clarity since 1992. Known as "the divorce attorney with a heart," Sharon combines decades of legal experience with a holistic approach that prioritizes not only the outcome of the divorce, but how clients move through the process. Sharon is also the author of the upcoming book, Love Your Divorce: Your Guide to a Holistic, Happier Ever After, coming out in the fall of 2026.
Listen, I have to tell you, I am intrigued. I have talked to a lot of divorce attorneys in my time—and I mean a lot—and I have never known a divorce lawyer who was also a Reiki master. So can you tell me how that happened?
Reiki and Slowing Down Decisions
Sharon: The more I interacted with the full family—not just a plaintiff or a defendant, but the whole family coming to my office and trusting me—the more I wanted to help them be fully present humans in their process. The more I turned inward, going on spiritual retreats and studying neuro-linguistic processing—anything I could get my hands on to help families divorce with compassion and minimal negative impact—the more I explored. And one of the things I found was Reiki.
At its most esoteric, spiritual level, Reiki has to do with our individual connection to a greater human energy. At its most fundamental level, it's about deep relaxation, breathing, staying still, hearing what's being said, and understanding it. To me, that's the most powerful tool in any legal situation. You're getting bombarded with information you may or may not understand and information you definitely do not want. If you're in panic mode while receiving it, you can't make the right decisions for yourself. Bringing that sense of slowing down and being present helps people succeed at what is otherwise very difficult.
Karen: I agree 100%. You can't make a good decision when you're in an emotional panic, and the decisions you have to make in divorce are already hard enough. But I'm curious: how do you use Reiki with your clients? How does it actually work to help them slow down when they're spinning so much?
Sharon: First of all, one of the rules of Reiki is that you don't practice it without someone's permission. I don't secretly perform Reiki on a client sitting across from me! My dedicated Reiki clients are individuals in a separate context, not sitting in a mediation session with their spouse.
However, I do practice it within myself during tense situations. If I'm in a room where two people are escalating or someone is flying off the handle, I bring more stillness into the room. If I react too quickly, it just exacerbates the tension. By centering myself and bringing in stillness, people catch on. The other spouse feels it and calms down. Instead of adding fuel to the fire, I let things settle so we can actually have a constructive conversation.
Karen: Do you think your calm energy alone can change the situation when two people are at each other's throats?
Sharon: All of us know the answer to that from personal experience. It isn't a trick; it's a fundamental truth. It reminds me of a book by Dr. Lisa Damour about adolescents that uses a snow globe analogy. A teenager comes home from school agitated, spinning like a shaken snow globe. If you react with equal agitation—"What's the matter, honey?!"—you just keep shaking it. But if you set the snow globe down, all the snow settles, and you can see clearly. Being a calm presence in an agitated room absolutely helps bring clarity.
Karen: It definitely changes the energy. What brought you to this realization? Most lawyers start out focused on fighting in court. In family law, it usually doesn't take long to realize court doesn't work well for families. Some attorneys fight until the day they die, but what made you realize there had to be a better, more holistic way?
The Call That Changed Everything
Sharon: I use the pseudonym "Chelsea" to refer to an eight-year-old girl I represented alongside her brother as their attorney for the minor children. The mother and father each had their own lawyers.
I met with the kids regularly. One night at 10:00 PM, my home landline rang. It was Chelsea, saying she and her brother weren't allowed to go to bed. It was a school night. The parents owned a duplex, with mom living on one side and dad on the other. The kids were supposed to shuttle back and forth. They were told that if either parent broke the schedule or allowed the kids to sleep on the "wrong" side, they would lose custody. Both parents were terrified of losing custody, so neither would let the kids sleep!
I had to go to their house at 10:00 PM just so those children could go to sleep. It was heartbreaking. These kids needed a stranger to walk in and advocate for them because their parents were so consumed by bad advice—or well-intended but unpractical, zealous advice—from their attorneys.
That night changed everything. I don't litigate anymore. I don't believe in letting cases reach that point. Both of those kids need both of those parents for the rest of their lives. As flawed as those parents were, every parent is flawed.
Why Some Couples Cannot Stop Fighting
Karen: Do you think every case can be kept out of court and the conflict dialed down, or are there some cases that simply must be litigated?
Sharon: I believe there are cases where an issue or two simply requires a trial to resolve. But I don't see that as a flaw of the individuals or the system; I see it as a lingering attachment between the married couple. They aren't ready to release each other yet.
Karen: That's interesting. What do you mean by that?
Sharon: Money is just money. If someone is withholding money or speaking unkindly, we've seen people resolve far harder puzzles, walk away from more money, or be generous with less. The difference is whether someone is truly done with the fight. If they aren't ready for it to be over, they will find something to fight about—whether it's alimony or spurs.
Karen: From a client's perspective, they'll usually say, "I'm not the one hanging on! They're the one making the fight; I just want it resolved!" How do you help someone see if they are contributing to the cycle, and how do you move forward when emotional attachment is causing harm?
Sharon: Setting aside physical abuse or severe mental torture, in 90-plus percent of cases, "hurting me" is a two-way street. If an ex says something unkind, it's either something I internalize or something that's their problem to live with. If someone is withholding $50 a week, how much money am I going to spend on legal fees to chase that $50? If this were a business transaction rather than a divorce, what would the cost-benefit analysis look like?
Most of it comes down to: when are you willing to say "so what?" and move on?
Karen: That's so hard for people. How do you help them reach that point?
Sharon: You can line up two families with identical facts—same income, same assets, same number of children—and offer them the exact same settlement deal. One couple will say "thank you" and move on, while the other will say "I'm not putting up with that; it's not good enough."
Holistic divorce isn't about forcing a number onto someone. It has to come from acceptance and a realization that a settlement makes sense for their life moving forward. Litigation fails so often because it ends with a judge dictating orders that neither party wants to follow. When parties arrive at an agreement themselves—even one that seems strange to outsiders—they can actually move forward.
Karen: How do you as a mediator or lawyer help people overcome the anger and fear to reach that realization?
Sharon: Sometimes people get there slowly. We might need to do more homework, gather more financial facts, or have them meet with a family counselor or individual therapist.
Trial gives people a target to project all their negative emotions onto—their ex, their neighbor, the judge. In successful mediation, we unpack those negative emotions, put them where they belong, and dissolve them. That leaves room for a functional relationship moving forward.
Putting Kids First Without Pretending
Karen: That is so important, especially for co-parents who will be in each other's lives forever through their children. Every parent says they put their children first, but how can parents actually do that in practice?
Sharon: No parent thinks they aren't putting their child first. In the story about Chelsea, both parents thought they were protecting their children by strictly enforcing the schedule.
Helping parents understand their child's actual best interest comes down to practical conversations: How does the child do their homework? What does their routine look like after school and in the morning? How long is the commute? We stop playing legal games and just talk about the child.
I've seen parents dead set on selling the marital home out of spite. But when we talk through where the child will live and how daily life will look, perspectives shift. Sometimes a parent decides to pay extra so the child can stay temporarily; other times, they realize moving to a new school district isn't the end of the world. Kids move all the time and adapt.
Karen: That's a great point. Kids do move, with or without divorce, and they survive.
Sharon: Exactly. If they love the new place, great. If not, they learn resilience.
Karen: Society today often overprotects children from every minor discomfort, which deprives them of building resilience. But no parent wants to put their child through unnecessary strain. What actually causes harm to kids during a divorce?
Sharon: What puts kids through hell is their parents' ongoing emotional conflict—not which bedroom they sleep in. Children absorb whatever emotional state their parents project.
Helping parents navigate this requires patience, curious questions, and compassion. Curiosity is key. If a parent says, "I can't take the kids on Wednesday nights," instead of rigidly insisting "That's the schedule," we ask, "Why? What night works better?"
I recently mediated a case where the dad was determined to keep the house for "stability" for their college-aged kids, while the mom was determined to sell it to pay off debts and save for retirement—which meant "stability" to her. Once we identified that both were seeking stability, we structured an arrangement where the dad kept the house and the mom retained an equity stake as an ongoing investor. When he eventually sold it, she received a nest egg, he felt his kids had a landing pad, and both got the outcome they wanted.
Handling High Conflict and Exiting
Karen: What if someone is married to a high-conflict partner or someone with a personality disorder who seems content to fight endlessly? How can that person achieve a holistic divorce?
Sharon: A personality disorder isn't something that only exists in the divorce; that person carries it everywhere. I compare it in my book to dealing with a spouse who has an illness. If you are divorcing someone who has a serious illness, you navigate around it.
A personality disorder is simply another hurdle. They have had it the whole time, and it has disrupted their life just as much as yours. Once you walk away from the marriage, you leave that dynamic behind, while they carry it for the rest of their life.
The goal becomes finding your exit strategy. If your ex vows they would rather drop dead than pay alimony, okay—stop fighting over alimony and focus on asset distribution instead.
Karen: So it's about having compassion for their humanity, getting clear on your ultimate goals, and finding alternative paths to get there.
Sharon: Exactly. Well said.
Using Divorce as a Tool
Karen: What is the core message of your upcoming book, Love Your Divorce: Your Guide to a Holistic, Happier Ever After?
Sharon: Divorce itself is a tool. It isn't a replacement for your happiness or your life; it exists to end what isn't working so you can begin what is right.
Draining your assets in a legal battle or making enemies of your ex's family is destructive. Instead, use divorce as an opportunity to acknowledge that while the marriage didn't work, your ex can still be a good parent or co-parent. Preserving functional relationships allows you to move forward into a happier chapter without dragging along the parts that failed.
Karen: What advice do you have for someone at the very beginning of the process who feels overwhelmed by anger and stress?
Sharon: The legal process itself—gathering bank statements, appraising assets, organizing paperwork—takes time, and that tedious administrative work naturally cools high emotions. You can't sustain pure rage while sorting through spreadsheets; you have practical tasks to focus on. That time allows tempers to cool so you can focus on the business of transitioning your life.
Karen: I love that reframe—the time it takes can actually serve as a helpful cooling period.
Biggest Mistakes and Final Takeaways
Karen: What is the single biggest mistake you see divorcing couples make?
Sharon: Comparing their divorce to other people's expectations. Every family, financial picture, and dynamic is unique. People often agree on a sensible solution in mediation, but then consult friends, family, or online groups—the "Greek chorus"—who tell them, "My buddy got a better deal" or "You shouldn't agree to that." They replace a tailored solution with outside noise.
Karen: That is such a common and costly mistake. Sharon, this has been an absolute pleasure. Where can listeners find you and follow your work?
Sharon: You can find me at my website, oberstlaw.com, as well as on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook under Oberst Law. My upcoming book, Love Your Divorce: Your Guide to a Holistic, Happier Ever After, will be available in the fall of 2026.
Karen: Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us today, Sharon!
Sharon: Thank you, Karen! This was wonderful.
Karen: And for those of you who are out there watching and listening, if you enjoyed today's conversation, if you want to hear more conversations just like this, do yourself and me a big favor and like the episode. Subscribe to the podcast, subscribe to the YouTube channel, and I look forward to talking with you all again next time.
