Boomerang Generation:
Adults aged 18 – 34 who return to live with their parents after graduating from high school or college.
It never used to be “a thing.” Or, at least a few decades ago it certainly wasn’t as big of “a thing.”
From the 1950’s to the 1980’s, most young adults used to leave their parents’ homes before they were 24. Once they left, they rarely came back to live.
Not anymore.
In 1985 U.S. census data reveals that 54% of children age 18 – 24 lived with their parents. Of that number, 11% of 25 – 34 year olds lived with their parents.
While the rate of 18 – 24 year olds living with their parents has remained fairly constant from 1985 until today, the percentage of 25 – 34 year olds who live with their parents increased to 17% by 2019.
According to the Pew Research Center, that number had spiked to 21% in 2010.
Put another way, one third of young adults aged 18 – 34 lived with their parents in 2016. Translated into numbers, that amounted to roughly 24 million 20 and 30 year olds who were still living with their parents in 2016.
What’s more, the boomerang generation isn’t limited to the United States.
In the U.K. approximately 25% of those between 18 – 34 were living in their parents’ home in 1995. By 2019 that figure had risen to 32%. For men, the number was 37%.
The same phenomenon has been happening in Canada, Europe, and other Western countries.
Social scientists have advanced a lot of theories about why this is happening.
But the more pressing question for parents who are facing divorce while living with and/or supporting adult children is: What now?
What Happens to The Boomerang Generation When Their Parents Divorce?
The divorce rate for the Baby Boomer generation is higher than it is for any other age group right now. What that means is that the Boomerang Generation is getting caught in the perfect storm. At the same time more of them are returning home and relying on their parents for support, their parents are getting divorced.
That makes everything way more complicated.
What’s more, just having the children “back in the nest” can cause their parents’ relationship to break down.
When one parent likes having the children at home, or feels responsible for helping their children financially, and the other parent does not, the parents’ relationship can become strained. If that strain goes on for too long, the parents’ marriage can collapse.
Legal Obligations Toward Adult Children in Divorce
Legally speaking, parents are usually not obligated to support their adult children. If their children have been disabled from birth that can be a different story. But, beyond that, most parents usually have no legal obligation to support their adult children at all.
In some states divorcing parents may be required to contribute toward the payment of their children’s college educational expenses. In most states, however, that’s not the case.
But just because parents may not be legally obligated to support their adult children or pay for their college expenses, that doesn’t mean that parents don’t feel a moral obligation to do so. Where things get sticky is when divorcing parents have different ideas about whether they should support their adult children and, if so, how much support they should give them.
If the parents have a lot of money, and they don’t burn through it all in their divorce, then supporting their adult children is less of an issue. So long as the parent who is willing to support the kids has enough money to do so, everything works out fine financially.
(That’s not to say, of course, that the child’s relationship with a parent who won’t support him/her won’t take a hit. It will!)
The bigger problem, though, is that most people don’t have that kind of money.
Most divorcing parents in their 50s and 60s barely had enough money saved for their retirement when they were married. Getting divorced forces them to divide their retirement funds in half. That pushes their retirement date back.
By itself, that might not be too financially devastating. But if parents have to support their adult kids on top of getting divorced, then their retirement can become a distant dream.
Supporting Adult Children After Divorce
If you and your spouse (or your ex-spouse) agree on how and how much to support your adult kids, there’s no problem. You can do whatever you think is right to the extent that you each can afford it.
The problem arises when: a) you and your spouse (or your ex-spouse) do NOT agree on whether to support your grown kids and/or b) you CAN’T afford to support them. That’s when things get tricky.
When You and Your Ex Agree
Let’s talk first about what to you can if you and your ex agree that you would like to help your adult child, but neither of you has much money post-divorce.
How to help your “child of the boomerang generation” when you and your ex are on the same page
1. Set the Ground Rules With Your Ex FIRST.
Talk to your Ex first and decide, as parents, what you can and cannot do for your child. Be honest with each other about what you can afford. Be honest with each other about your values, and what you think you can and should give your child.
Don’t pussyfoot around or assume that your ex thinks the same way that you do. Make sure you are clear on how much support you are each willing to give your child, and for how long.
2. Set Clear Expectations BEFORE Your Child Moves In!
The quickest way to destroy your relationship with your child is to expect that s/he will follow YOUR rules … and then NOT tell him/her what those rules are! If you’re only willing to support your child for six months – tell him/her that! If you expect your child to be home every night, or at least to let you know in advance if s/he isn’t coming home – tell him/her that!
The rules that used to apply when your child was 12 don’t apply any more. You may need to adjust your rules and your expectations. But do that openly. Setting realistic expectations with your child on the front end will go a long way towards maintaining a good relationship with your child and creating a situation that works for everyone, on the back end.
3. Be Honest With Your Child.
If you don’t have a lot of money, tell your child that! If you only have a one-bedroom apartment and can’t accommodate your child, let your child know that!
You may want to be the hero and bail your child out. But if you can’t afford to that, you need to be honest about it! Otherwise, you will end up digging yourself into a financial hole and resenting your child for it. Meanwhile your child will end up resenting you for being irritable and cheap because s/he didn’t realize that you were helping him/her out with money you didn’t have.
4. Be Creative.
If you are financially strapped but you want to give your child a place to live, maybe you need to ask your child to contribute towards your rent or groceries so that you can make ends meet. Maybe you ask your child to take on certain household responsibilities (like cooking or cleaning) so that you are not exhausted from working and taking care of your adult child too. Brainstorm ways that you can help each other out so that everyone’s needs get met.
The arrangement that you make may not be perfect. But if you and your child can be flexible and creative, you may be able to work something out that can help you both.
5. Set Firm Boundaries.
If you told your child that s/he could stay with you IF s/he got a job within a month, and it’s been six months and your kid is still unemployed, you need to have a conversation about that! As impossible as it may seem to throw your own child out on the street, if that’s what it takes to make your kid grow up and get a job, that may be what you have to do. (Or at least seriously threaten to do.)
If your ex is on the same page with that as you are, then enlist his/her support. Get your ex to talk to your child. Get your ex to encourage your child. While keeping a united front won’t ensure you’ll get through to your child, it will give you a much greater chance for success.
When You and Your Ex DON’T Agree
While dealing with a child in the boomerang generation can be difficult when you and your ex agree about what to do, when you and your ex don’t agree, life gets harder. So, what are your options?
1. If You’re Not Yet Divorced When Your Child Moves Back In With You, Try to Negotiate With Your Spouse to Get Support!
It’s true that your spouse has no legal obligation to support your child. But maybe you can pull on his/her heartstrings and get him/her to agree to contribute some amount of money towards your child for some period of time. (It's worth a try!)
If that doesn’t work, ask yourself whether there is something that your spouse wants in the divorce that you could trade in exchange for your spouse paying you monthly support. Or, maybe you negotiate so that you get a bigger percentage of cash or other liquid assets while your spouse gets the house or other assets that can’t be readily sold. That way you’ll at least have a pool of money to draw from while you help your child out.
2. Get A Financial Planner Before You Agree to Anything!
Sitting down with a financial planner can be an eye-opening experience. A good financial planner can tell you how much money you need to be bringing in today in order to meet your financial goals in the future. If supporting your child now means you have to push your retirement back for a few years, at least you’ll know that.
But, if supporting your child now means that you’ll be dead broke by the end of next year, that’s a problem. Hopefully your financial situation won’t be so dire. But if it is, you need to know that so you can deal with it BEFORE you add the guilt and regret that will come if you let your kid move back into your house when you can’t afford to do that.
3. If You’re Still in the Process of Divorce: Keep it Amicable!
It’s no secret that divorce is expensive. Fighting makes it more expensive. If money is already an issue for you, then engaging in a costly legal battle is the last thing you want to do.
If you can get your spouse to agree to it, use mediation or Collaborative Divorce to resolve your issues. Do your best to be flexible and creative in settling your case. Weigh every decision you make while negotiating settlement against this criteria: Will this cost me more if I fight about it then I’ll get if don’t?
4. Be Honest With Your Kids, But Don’t Bash Your Ex.
If you’re supporting your kids’ and your ex is not, don’t bad mouth your ex! You don't have to lie to them and pretend your ex is supporting them when s/he is not. But you don't have to reinforce that fact to your kids either.
Remember, yYour decision to support your kids is YOUR decision. Your ex made a different decision. Maybe your ex has different values than you do. Or maybe s/he is just a dirtball who doesn’t care about your kids. Either way, your kids can figure that out on their own! Even though your children are adults, they are still entitled to have a relationship with both of their parents. Their relationship with your ex is already going to be strained because s/he won’t support them. YOU don’t need to make it worse!
5. Set Clear Expectations, Firm Boundaries, and Be Honest and Creative With Your Child.
All the things you should do if you and your ex agree on whether to support your child still apply when you don’t! The only difference is that you’ll be under even more pressure to handle every issue yourself.
That’s all the more reason to make sure you are totally clear with your child about your living arrangements, boundaries and expectations right from the start. It’s also a reason to be creative and find mutually supportive financial arrangements that will work for BOTH of you!
Surviving Life With the Boomerang Generation
Today’s world is different than it was before. Today’s young people are different than before, and their situations are different than they were before.
You can either acknowledge that and do your best to adapt to it, or you can whine and complain about it. Either way, you’re probably not going to be able to change it.
In the end, divorced or not, you’re the only one who can decide what you are or aren’t willing to do for your kids. You’re the only one who can decide what you think will be best for them.
Your kids may be part of the boomerang generation, but you’re a Boomer. You’ve been through a lot in life. You’ll get through this too.
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This article was originally written in July, 2014, and updated in February, 2021.
I am happily divorced & works hard to have nice things. What to do when you are financial able but the adult kids are draining your bank account every chance they get? Do you keep feeling sorry for them or when is it a good time to cut them off when they won’t keep a job? I feel that they are not trying very hard.
It sounds like you really care about your children a lot. It is important for you to set clear boundaries, even with adult children. Yes, you want to help them, but you also don’t want them to take advantage of you. At some point they are going to need to learn to stand on their own two feet.
You might want to sit your children down and have an honest talk with them. Let them know what you expect of them: tell them how you will help them, how long you will help them, and what you expect them to do to help themselves. As long as they are making progress, you may want to continue to help them. But, if they aren’t making progress, if they refuse to get a job, don’t try to help you, and don’t do anything to help themselves, you may need to tell them that they are not holding up their end of the bargain, and you aren’t going to be able to help them any more.
Wanting to help your children is natural. But at some point, your “help” actually starts to hurt your children. Your continued support keeps them from having to take responsibility for themselves. It keeps them dependent on you. Is that really what you want to want for your children?
No one can tell you what is best for your children. You will have to decide that for yourself. If you and your ex are on good terms, you can and should talk to him/her about the situation. Then, as parents, the two of you can handle the situation with your kids together. If that’s not possible, then you still need to talk to your children yourself.
Overall, it sounds like you have helped your children a lot. Maybe it’s time for them to start to help themselves.