fbpx

101 Things Even A Good Divorce Lawyer Won’t Do

Are You Ready for Divorce?

TAKE THIS QUIZ and Find Out. 

Your marriage is on the rocks. You’ve decided to get a divorce. Chances are, one of the first things you’ll do next is to look for a good divorce lawyer.

You want someone to protect you. Someone who will get you what you want, when you want it, and the way you want it. And, of course, the lawyer you have in mind won’t charge you a fortune to do it! S/he will have an amazing “bedside manner,” and will explain everything to you quickly and completely BEFORE you even think to ask a question.

You assume you’re being reasonable. Isn’t it a good divorce lawyer’s job to protect your rights and make sure that you “win?”

Plus, it’s not like you’re asking for more than you’re entitled to. (Okay. So maybe you WOULD like to get a little more than your share! Doesn’t everyone?)

But it’s not like you don’t deserve it!

Oh, and if your lawyer could make your spouse fall apart on the witness stand and admit to what a total jerk s/he has been to you for years, that would be great too!

That shouldn’t be too much to ask of a good divorce lawyer, should it?

The Truth About Divorce

Your expectations about how your divorce should or shouldn’t go probably make perfect sense to you.

Unfortunately, if you’re like most people, the way you THINK the divorce process works is entirely different than the way it really works!

The same thing is true about your divorce lawyer.

Most people expect their divorce lawyer to be as smart as Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde), as tenacious as Erin Brokovich (Julia Roberts in Erin Brokovich) or Frank Galvin (Paul Newman in The Verdict), and as electric in a courtroom as Lieutenant Daniel Kaffe (Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men).

And, of course, their perfect lawyer will also do a superhuman amount of work for a few thousand dollars or less.

The problem, of course, is that lawyers in the real world are very different than the lawyers you see on a movie screen. What’s more, unless you’ve been through several divorces in your life, your expectations about what a good divorce lawyer does (AND what s/he charges!) are probably a bit off base as well.

To help you get your expectations ln check, here’s a list of things that even a good divorce lawyer probably won’t do for you.

101 Things Even a Good Divorce Lawyer Won’t (or Can’t) Do!

Meme: Picture of a feet in tennis shoes with arrows pointing away from them in multiple directions with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Make Decisions For You."

Make Decisions for You

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 1
    Help you decide whether you should get a divorce or not.
  2. 2
    Teach you HOW to make well-reasoned decisions that you won't regret.
  3. 3
    Decide anything in your divorce FOR you … even if you’d rather not make certain decisions yourself.
Meme: Picture of a megaphone screaming 100% Guarantee - with a Red "X" over it. The caption says, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Make You Promises or Guarantees."

Make You Promises or Guarantees      

                  Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 3
    Promise you anything.
  2. 4
    Guarantee your divorce will be amicable.
  3. 5
    Guarantee that you’ll get everything you want in your divorce.
  4. 6
    Guarantee that you will get spousal support for the rest of your life.
  5. 7
    Guarantee what the judge will do at trial.
  6. 8
    Guarantee anything.
Meme: Picture of a woman with binaculars peering out of a car with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Act as a Private Detective."

Act as a Private Detective

                        Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 9
    Track your spouse’s activity for you.
  2. 10
    Do something that’s illegal just so you can win your case.
Meme: Picture of a home with a "For sale" sign in front of it with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Deal With Your Home and Other Real Estate."

Deal with Your Home and Other Real Estate

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 11
    Find you a new place to live.
  2. 12
    Help you sell your house.
  3. 13
    Help you clean out your house and stage it for sale.
  4. 14
    Value your house.
  5. 15
    Hire a realtor or mortgage broker for you.
  6. 16
    Refinance your house for you.
  7. 17
    Tell you how to ivide up your personal property.
Meme: Picture of a jar with money and a plant growing out of it with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Manage Your Finances."

Manage Your Finances

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 19
    Make sure you’re financially secure forever.
  2. 20
    Get your financial documents together for you.
  3. 21
    Help you understand what your financial documents mean.
  4. 22
    Figure out whether you will be able to live comfortably until you want to retire based on your projected income and assets.
  5. 23
    Make a complete budget for you without your help.
  6. 24
    Make a post-divorce budget for you based on your projected income and expenses.
  7. 25
    Figure out how you’re going to make it financially once your divorce is over.
  8. 26
    Pay your bills for you.
  9. 27
    Value your business.
  10. 28
    Prepare your income taxes (unless your lawyer also happens to be a CPA).
  11. 29
    Advise you how much you’ll have to pay in taxes due to your divorce.
  12. 30
    Negotiate a tax settlement with the IRS for you (unless your divorce lawyer also happens to be a tax lawyer).
Meme: Picture of a clay figure with an X over it and with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Do the Stuff You Don't Want to Do."

Do the Stuff You Don’t Want to (or Can't!) Do

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 31
    Tell your spouse you want a divorce so you don’t have to.
  2. 32
    Talk to your spouse for you (unless your spouse doesn’t have a lawyer. Then your lawyer will talk to your spouse … but only about legal stuff.)
  3. 33
    Teach you and your spouse how to communicate with each other.
  4. 34
    Help you put your marriage back together.
  5. 35
    Fix everything that’s wrong in your life.
  6. 36
    Run to your house to protect you when your spouse is raging out of control.
Meme: Picture of a sad boy with paper cutout of a broken family with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Parent/Co-Parent Your Kids so You Don't Have to Deal with Your Spouse."

Parent/Co-Parent Your Kids so You Don’t Have to Deal with Your Spouse

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 37
    Decide when you and your spouse should each see the kids.
  2. 38
    Figure out when you should see your kids during the holidays.
  3. 39
    Decide whether you should have the right of first refusal for your kids or not.
  4. 40
    Figure out the details of your right of first refusal – ie whether that right kicks in if someone won’t be with the kids for more than 2 hours, 4 hours, overnight etc.
  5. 41
    Decide who should be able to babysit for your kids.
  6. 42
    Figure out what kind of vacation schedule will work best for you and your kids.
  7. 43
    Decide which school your kids should attend.
  8. 44
    Make your spouse have the same parenting rules in his/her house that you have in your house.
  9. 45
    Make your spouse parents your children in a way that YOU think is appropriate (… as long as whatever your spouse is doing does not seriously endanger the children.)
  10. 46
    Make sure your spouse never talks badly about you to your kids.
  11. 47
    Force your spouse to see your kids when s/he is supposed to see them.
  12. 48
    Force your spouse to be a good parent.
  13. 49
    Put your child on the witness stand to testify against your spouse (… unless your child is in serious danger AND the judge agrees AND your lawyer has absolutely no other way to prove it except through your child’s testimony!)
  14. 50
    Make your spouse agree to do “bird-nesting” in your house even if you think it would be great for your kids.
  15. 51
    Make your kids want to spend time with your spouse.
  16. 52
    Make your kids want to spend time with you.
  17. 53
    Make your kids actually go and spend time with your spouse.
Meme: Picture of a therapist and patient with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Act as Your Therapist."

Act as Your Therapist

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 54
    Help you manage your anxiety/depression/anger/any other emotion while you go through your divorce.
  2. 55
    Help you heal your emotional pain so you can get on with your life.
  3. 56
    Figure out what caused your marriage to break down.
  4. 57
    Tell you WHY your spouse does anything.
  5. 58
    Tell you WHY your kids do anything.
Meme: Picture of open hands holding a red stick man and a medical bag with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Navigate Your Health/Health Insurance Issues."

Navigate Your Health/Health Insurance Issues

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 59
    Keep you healthy while you’re going through your divorce.
  2. 60
    Get health insurance for you.
  3. 61
    Advise you about which health insurance plan will be best for you after your divorce.
  4. 62
    Figure out how you will pay for your health insurance after your divorce.

Control Your Spouse’s Behavior

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

Meme: Picture of a man with a puppet hand superimposed over his brain with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Help You Control Your Spouse's Behavior
  1. 63
    Keep your spouse from talking badly about you.
  2. 64
    Keep your spouse from doing stupid things.
  3. 65
    Make your spouse do what s/he is supposed to do.
  4. 66
    Prevent your spouse from hiding money.
  5. 67
    Make your spouse want to stay married to you.
  6. 68
    Prevent your spouse from moving forward with your divorce.
  7. 69
    Keep your spouse from fighting for whatever s/he wants to fight for.
  8. 70
    Keep your spouse from being a jerk.
  9. 71
    Prevent your spouse from saying horrible things about you or to you.
  10. 72
    Keep your spouse from lying to the judge.
  11. 73
    Keep your spouse from lying to you.
  12. 74
    Make your spouse change.
  13. 75
    List ElementMake your spouse stop cheating on you.
  14. 76
    Force your spouse to apologize for all the horrible things s/he did during your marriage.
  15. 77
    Prevent your spouse from drinking or doing drugs.
  16. 78
    Prevent your spouse from spending money.
  17. 79
    Make your spouse act responsibly.
  18. 80
    Force your spouse to take his/her medication.
  19. 81
    Force your spouse to respond to your calls/texts/emails in a timely way.
  20. 82
    Prevent your spouse from talking to your parents or your family.
  21. 83
    Keep your spouse from talking to your friends.
  22. 84
    Keep your spouse from fighting with you.
  23. 85
    Force your spouse to agree to do or not to do anything.
  24. 86
    Force your spouse to settle your case.
  25. 87
    Prevent your spouse from dating while you’re still married.
  26. 88
    Prevent your spouse from introducing your kids to his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend while you’re still married.
  27. 89
    Prevent your spouse from introducing your kids to his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend sooner than what you think is appropriate.
Meme: Picture of an angry lawyer screamin with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Help You Control Your Spouse's Lawyer's Behavior

Control Your Spouse’s Lawyer’s Behavior

      Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 90
    Keep your spouse’s lawyer from being a jerk.
  2. 91
    Prevent your spouse’s lawyer from saying horrible things about you or to you.
Meme: Picture someone with a briefcase leaping across a canyon at sunset with the caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Help You Change Your Employment Status or Your Spouse's Employment Status."

Change Your Employment Status or Your Spouse’s Employment Status

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 92
    Help you find a job.
  2. 93
    Make your spouse get a job.
Meme: Picture of a courtroom with caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Make Lawyers and Courts Work the Way You Think They Should."

Make Lawyers and Courts Work the Way You Think They Should Work

            Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

  1. 94
    Explain how the entire divorce system works in a single office/Zoom appointment.
  2. 95
    Provide you with a detailed written strategy of every step they’re going to take in your divorce from the moment they take your case.
  3. 96
    Respond to your calls/texts/emails in ten minutes or less.
  4. 97
    Respond to your calls/texts/emails between the hours of 8pm and 8am (unless it's a genuine, life-threatening emergency!)
  5. 98
    Agree that everything YOU think is an emergency is actually a legal emergency.
  6. 99
    Represent you in ANY other case in ANY other court (ie. Criminal court, Domestic Violence Court, Probate Court, Mortgage Foreclosure court etc.) unless you specifically hire AND PAY your lawyer to do so.
  7. 100
    Consistently talk to you in sentences that don’t include huge words or legalese.
  8. 101
    Work for you for free.
Meme: Picture of a new sprout coming out of the ground with caption, "A Divorce Lawyer Won't Help You Build a New Life You Love."

Finally, and most importantly,

Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …

Help you build a new life you love.


Tags

divorce blog, divorce process, divorce tips, family law attorney


You may also like

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

How Would You Like Exclusive Tips, Emails & Divorce Information Delivered Right to Your Inbox for FREE?


Join Over 18,000 People Who Subscribe Now.

>