Your marriage is on the rocks. You’ve decided to get a divorce. Chances are, one of the first things you’ll do next is to look for a good divorce lawyer.
You want someone to protect you. Someone who will get you what you want, when you want it, and the way you want it. And, of course, the lawyer you have in mind won’t charge you a fortune to do it! S/he will have an amazing “bedside manner,” and will explain everything to you quickly and completely BEFORE you even think to ask a question.
You assume you’re being reasonable. Isn’t it a good divorce lawyer’s job to protect your rights and make sure that you “win?”
Plus, it’s not like you’re asking for more than you’re entitled to. (Okay. So maybe you WOULD like to get a little more than your share! Doesn’t everyone?)
But it’s not like you don’t deserve it!
Oh, and if your lawyer could make your spouse fall apart on the witness stand and admit to what a total jerk s/he has been to you for years, that would be great too!
That shouldn’t be too much to ask of a good divorce lawyer, should it?
The Truth About Divorce
Your expectations about how your divorce should or shouldn’t go probably make perfect sense to you.
Unfortunately, if you’re like most people, the way you THINK the divorce process works is entirely different than the way it really works!
The same thing is true about your divorce lawyer.
Most people expect their divorce lawyer to be as smart as Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde), as tenacious as Erin Brokovich (Julia Roberts in Erin Brokovich) or Frank Galvin (Paul Newman in The Verdict), and as electric in a courtroom as Lieutenant Daniel Kaffe (Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men).
And, of course, their perfect lawyer will also do a superhuman amount of work for a few thousand dollars or less.
The problem, of course, is that lawyers in the real world are very different than the lawyers you see on a movie screen. What’s more, unless you’ve been through several divorces in your life, your expectations about what a good divorce lawyer does (AND what s/he charges!) are probably a bit off base as well.
To help you get your expectations ln check, here’s a list of things that even a good divorce lawyer probably won’t do for you.
101 Things Even a Good Divorce Lawyer Won’t (or Can’t) Do!
Make Decisions for You
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 1Help you decide whether you should get a divorce or not.
- 2Teach you HOW to make well-reasoned decisions that you won't regret.
- 3Decide anything in your divorce FOR you … even if you’d rather not make certain decisions yourself.
Make You Promises or Guarantees
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 3Promise you anything.
- 4Guarantee your divorce will be amicable.
- 5Guarantee that you’ll get everything you want in your divorce.
- 6Guarantee that you will get spousal support for the rest of your life.
- 7Guarantee what the judge will do at trial.
- 8Guarantee anything.
Act as a Private Detective
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 9Track your spouse’s activity for you.
- 10Do something that’s illegal just so you can win your case.
Deal with Your Home and Other Real Estate
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 11Find you a new place to live.
- 12Help you sell your house.
- 13Help you clean out your house and stage it for sale.
- 14Value your house.
- 15Hire a realtor or mortgage broker for you.
- 16Refinance your house for you.
- 17Tell you how to ivide up your personal property.
Manage Your Finances
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 19Make sure you’re financially secure forever.
- 20Get your financial documents together for you.
- 21Help you understand what your financial documents mean.
- 22Figure out whether you will be able to live comfortably until you want to retire based on your projected income and assets.
- 23Make a complete budget for you without your help.
- 24Make a post-divorce budget for you based on your projected income and expenses.
- 25Figure out how you’re going to make it financially once your divorce is over.
- 26Pay your bills for you.
- 27Value your business.
- 28Prepare your income taxes (unless your lawyer also happens to be a CPA).
- 29Advise you how much you’ll have to pay in taxes due to your divorce.
- 30Negotiate a tax settlement with the IRS for you (unless your divorce lawyer also happens to be a tax lawyer).
Do the Stuff You Don’t Want to (or Can't!) Do
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 31Tell your spouse you want a divorce so you don’t have to.
- 32Talk to your spouse for you (unless your spouse doesn’t have a lawyer. Then your lawyer will talk to your spouse … but only about legal stuff.)
- 33Teach you and your spouse how to communicate with each other.
- 34Help you put your marriage back together.
- 35Fix everything that’s wrong in your life.
- 36Run to your house to protect you when your spouse is raging out of control.
Parent/Co-Parent Your Kids so You Don’t Have to Deal with Your Spouse
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 37Decide when you and your spouse should each see the kids.
- 38Figure out when you should see your kids during the holidays.
- 39Decide whether you should have the right of first refusal for your kids or not.
- 40Figure out the details of your right of first refusal – ie whether that right kicks in if someone won’t be with the kids for more than 2 hours, 4 hours, overnight etc.
- 41Decide who should be able to babysit for your kids.
- 42Figure out what kind of vacation schedule will work best for you and your kids.
- 43Decide which school your kids should attend.
- 44Make your spouse have the same parenting rules in his/her house that you have in your house.
- 45Make your spouse parents your children in a way that YOU think is appropriate (… as long as whatever your spouse is doing does not seriously endanger the children.)
- 46Make sure your spouse never talks badly about you to your kids.
- 47Force your spouse to see your kids when s/he is supposed to see them.
- 48Force your spouse to be a good parent.
- 49Put your child on the witness stand to testify against your spouse (… unless your child is in serious danger AND the judge agrees AND your lawyer has absolutely no other way to prove it except through your child’s testimony!)
- 50Make your spouse agree to do “bird-nesting” in your house even if you think it would be great for your kids.
- 51Make your kids want to spend time with your spouse.
- 52Make your kids want to spend time with you.
- 53Make your kids actually go and spend time with your spouse.
Act as Your Therapist
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 54Help you manage your anxiety/depression/anger/any other emotion while you go through your divorce.
- 55Help you heal your emotional pain so you can get on with your life.
- 56Figure out what caused your marriage to break down.
- 57Tell you WHY your spouse does anything.
- 58Tell you WHY your kids do anything.
Navigate Your Health/Health Insurance Issues
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 59Keep you healthy while you’re going through your divorce.
- 60Get health insurance for you.
- 61Advise you about which health insurance plan will be best for you after your divorce.
- 62Figure out how you will pay for your health insurance after your divorce.
Control Your Spouse’s Behavior
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 63Keep your spouse from talking badly about you.
- 64Keep your spouse from doing stupid things.
- 65Make your spouse do what s/he is supposed to do.
- 66Prevent your spouse from hiding money.
- 67Make your spouse want to stay married to you.
- 68Prevent your spouse from moving forward with your divorce.
- 69Keep your spouse from fighting for whatever s/he wants to fight for.
- 70Keep your spouse from being a jerk.
- 71Prevent your spouse from saying horrible things about you or to you.
- 72Keep your spouse from lying to the judge.
- 73Keep your spouse from lying to you.
- 74Make your spouse change.
- 75List ElementMake your spouse stop cheating on you.
- 76Force your spouse to apologize for all the horrible things s/he did during your marriage.
- 77Prevent your spouse from drinking or doing drugs.
- 78Prevent your spouse from spending money.
- 79Make your spouse act responsibly.
- 80Force your spouse to take his/her medication.
- 81Force your spouse to respond to your calls/texts/emails in a timely way.
- 82Prevent your spouse from talking to your parents or your family.
- 83Keep your spouse from talking to your friends.
- 84Keep your spouse from fighting with you.
- 85Force your spouse to agree to do or not to do anything.
- 86Force your spouse to settle your case.
- 87Prevent your spouse from dating while you’re still married.
- 88Prevent your spouse from introducing your kids to his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend while you’re still married.
- 89Prevent your spouse from introducing your kids to his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend sooner than what you think is appropriate.
Control Your Spouse’s Lawyer’s Behavior
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 90Keep your spouse’s lawyer from being a jerk.
- 91Prevent your spouse’s lawyer from saying horrible things about you or to you.
Change Your Employment Status or Your Spouse’s Employment Status
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 92Help you find a job.
- 93Make your spouse get a job.
Make Lawyers and Courts Work the Way You Think They Should Work
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
- 94Explain how the entire divorce system works in a single office/Zoom appointment.
- 95Provide you with a detailed written strategy of every step they’re going to take in your divorce from the moment they take your case.
- 96Respond to your calls/texts/emails in ten minutes or less.
- 97Respond to your calls/texts/emails between the hours of 8pm and 8am (unless it's a genuine, life-threatening emergency!)
- 98Agree that everything YOU think is an emergency is actually a legal emergency.
- 99Represent you in ANY other case in ANY other court (ie. Criminal court, Domestic Violence Court, Probate Court, Mortgage Foreclosure court etc.) unless you specifically hire AND PAY your lawyer to do so.
- 100Consistently talk to you in sentences that don’t include huge words or legalese.
- 101Work for you for free.
Finally, and most importantly,
Even a good divorce lawyer won’t …
Help you build a new life you love.
