You don’t scream at each other. You don’t fight or throw things anymore. You’re long past threatening divorce. You share a home, a last name, and maybe even a bed, but your marriage died years ago. You’re living in an invisible divorce.
What is an Invisible Divorce?
An "invisible divorce" is a phenomenon where a couple remains legally married but their relationship has no intimacy, sex, connection, or love. These kinds of relationships have also sometimes been referred to as "loveless marriages," "sexless marriages", or marriages of convenience.
On the outside, a marriage that falls into this category is often indistinguishable from any other kind of marriage. The couple goes out together in public. They don't argue or fight. They may even go on vacation together at times.
In short, they look like they're fine.
But behind closed doors their relationship is disconnected and cold. They often sleep in separate bedrooms. Their communication is superficial at best. They take separate vacations. They lead parallel lives.
Getting hard data on the number of people who are locked in these types of hollow relationships is difficult. The subjectivity surrounding what constitutes a "loveless marriage" or "invisible divorce" makes studying this phenomenon challenging. Yet, if we just look at sexless marriages (which are defined as a married couple which has sex less than 10 times per year) the data is more clear.
Approximately 15-20% of U.S. marriages are sexless. Baby Boomers have an even higher rate of sexless marriages (33.1%). Of course, a couple can still have love and connection without sex. But, even still, the statistics are eye-opening.
The Emotional Landscape of an Invisible Divorce
Living in an invisible divorce feels like being trapped in a beautifully decorated prison.
You and your partner have become polite strangers, navigating shared spaces with carefully choreographed precision that’s designed to avoid conflict - and connection.
The silence isn't peaceful; it's suffocating.
You feel lonely to your core, even when (ESPECIALLY when) your spouse is around.
You feel invisible and exhausted. It takes energy to keep up the façade. To smile at the holiday party. To answer questions like “How’s your wife?,” “What’s your husband doing these days?,” or “How’s married life?,” without giving away the truth.
On those rare occasions when you’re honest with yourself, you know that your self-esteem is in the toilet.
The Legal Cost of Staying
While you’re all too conscious of the emotional toll your disconnected marriage is having on you, you may not realize that your invisible divorce has legal consequences, too.
If you’re still legally married, you’re still financially entangled. That means that if your spouse racks up debt, gets sued, or financially implodes - you could be on the hook. If they get sick, disabled, or need extraordinary medical care, you’re may have to pay for it.
On the flip side, if they die, you may inherit their assets (… and THEY will inherit yours!). But if they’re a financial mess when they die, you’re going to inherit that mess too. (… at least you will unless you’ve done some serious estate planning.)
Finally, the longer you stay married, the longer you’ll be on the hook to pay spousal support. In many states, long-term marriages (defined as 20+ years) may result in permanent or indefinite support obligations.
The Money Talk Nobody Wants to Have
On paper, staying married looks cheaper. The economies of scale are on your side.
You only have to deal with one mortgage and one set of household expenses. You can share insurance benefits and get preferred tax status when you file as “Married Filing Jointly.”
But over time you start living parallel financial lives. You've got your social activities, they've got theirs. You might have separate vacation funds, separate hobby budgets, maybe even separate everything-but-the-mortgage accounts.
You stop making big financial decisions together. What’s more, you stop investing in your future in ways that would grow your financial security AND your career.That promotion that requires moving? You don’t even discuss it because you know your spouse won't be supportive. That business idea you've been thinking about? You don’t feel secure enough to take the leap into entrepreneurship because if you fail, not only will you be on your own financially, but you’ll have to deal with listening to your spouse’s criticism until the day you die.
But the biggest financial cost you pay in an invisible divorce is the lost opportunity cost you incur when you’re in emotional limbo.
Every year you stay in a loveless marriage out of fear, convenience, or inertia is a year you’re not building the life you actually want.
There’s no judgment in choosing to stay. But pretending that staying is neutral—or cost-free—is a mistake.
Your Options Moving Forward
If you’re in an invisible divorce, you’re not alone. But if you want to truly LIVE your life, it’s time to get honest with yourself.
You can stay legally married but emotionally divorced. But pretending that staying is neutral - or cost-free - is a lie.
Sure, staying married probably feels safer than confronting change. But it often becomes a prison of its own making, trapping you AND your spouse in a life half-lived.
Admitting that you’re in an invisible divorce, and recognizing that you want more out of life than what the shell of a dead marriage offers you is your first step in moving forward.
You can’t change what you won’t name. And you can’t build a new future until you stop pretending everything is “fine.”
It’s not fine. And you deserve more than invisible.
