Most of us spend a giant portion of our lives trying to do everything “right.” We expect others to do the same. The idea of allowing people to do and be who they want to do or be regardless of our expectations (in other words, to just “let them” be themselves) can be a bit jarring.
Yet, here’s the reality we don’t want to face.
You can do everything “right” in your marriage and still end up divorced.
You can do everything “right” in your divorce and still end up fighting in court, burning through your savings and spending years in a messy, ugly, time-consuming battle.
You can do everything “right” in your life and still end up empty, unfulfilled, and feeling like everyone else has it all together while you somehow missed the memo that explained how to live with happiness and purpose.
So if you can do everything “right” and still end up living a life that feels so “wrong,” what’s the answer?
Are you just doomed to be lonely, alone, unhappy, and broke while the rest of the world (or at least SOME people in the world) are rich, happy, and living the life of their dreams?
What do they know that you don’t?
The answer might surprise you.
Mel Robbins and the “Let Them” Theory
In case you haven’t heard, Mel Robbins, a wildly popular self-help guru, best-selling author, and podcast host, recently published a book called “The Let Them Theory.” The point of the book is to teach you how to stop wasting energy on what you can't control (i.e. almost everything in the world) and start focusing on what you can control (i.e. You).
The idea is deceptively simple.
Not trying to control things that are out of your control seems like a complete no-brainer … until you actually try to do it. That’s when you realize that you may be more of a control freak than you thought.
You start to see:
- How much time you spend trying to keep those you love from doing things that YOU think will be bad/harmful/inappropriate/wrong for them to do.
- How crazy you get when someone “pushes your buttons” or is in a grumpy mood and brings you down with their negativity.
- How much energy you waste trying to please other people and make them like and respect you when in reality you don’t have the power to make anyone think, feel, or do anything they don’t want to think, feel, or do.
What “Let Them” Has to Do with Divorce
Very few things in life will trigger your inner control freak more than going through a divorce.
It sets off your survival instinct as you realize you are going to lose at least half of your net worth and a big chunk of your household income.
It threatens your relationships with those you hold most dear – your kids.
It throws you into an identity crisis as the fabric of who you “thought” you were and the life you “thought” you would have gets pulled out from underneath you.
The worst part of all of it is that almost everything in your divorce is beyond your control.
You can’t control your spouse, the lawyers, the judge, or the divorce process. Unless your kids are still infants, you probably can’t even control them.
There’s only one thing in your entire divorce that you can control.
You.
But that’s where all your power lies. That’s what will give peace. And that’s what can set you free.
Here’s how the “Let Them” theory applies to divorce.
1. If your spouse, your friends, or anyone else in your life wants to leave: Let them.
Yes, you might still love your spouse. Yes, you might believe your marriage still has a chance. But do you really want to be married to someone who DOESN’T want to be married to you? What kind of a marriage would that be?
As hard as it is to let someone go, sometimes it’s better to stop begging for clarity, closure, or consistency — and just let them go.
2. If everyone in your world believes that you're the villain: Let them.
If your ex (or his/her family and friends) needs you to be the bad guy to feel better about themselves, let them.
You have no idea what your ex has said to them about you. It doesn’t matter if what was said was true. At this point, no matter what you say or do, your spouse’s family and besties will never believe you. Protect your peace and your self-respect. Let them go.
3. If your spouse turns out be different than who you believed/hoped/dreamed s/he would be, it’s okay. Let your spouse be who s/he is.
So many of us go into marriage believing our spouse will chang – or that WE can change them. That rarely happens.
Your spouse is who s/he is. You aren’t going to change that. Once you let go of the fantasy of being with the person you wanted your spouse to be, you’ll free yourself to find someone who actually is the person you desire.
4. If you feel like you’ve lost all your friends and no one likes you anymore, it’s okay: Let them.
Whether you like it or not, you WILL lose friends in your divorce. You’ll probably lose friends you would never have imagined you would lose.
That sucks. But you’ll also make new friends – people you never would have met had you stayed married. Those friends will be real and the friendships can run deep. You’ll also have received the gift of finding out who your REAL friends are.
5. If your spouse wants to trash-talk you to your neighbors, friends, and maybe even to your kids: Let them.
You can’t control what your spouse says to anyone. You also can’t stop anyone from believing what your spouse says. And while you can get court orders prohibiting your spouse from talking badly about you to your kids, at the end of the day, you can’t really stop your spouse from doing that either. (What? You’re going to put your 6-year-old on the witness stand to tell the judge what mommy or daddy said to them? Really?!!)
Instead of engaging in a mutual smear campaign that will ultimately make BOTH of you look like you’re crazy, take the high road. No matter what your spouse says, keep your mouth shut. Let your actions speak louder than your words. People around you will eventually figure out the truth. And if they don’t, that’s okay too. Let them.
6. If everyone you know is talking about how the divorce was all your fault: Let them.
You can’t stop your ex from rewriting history to make him/herself the hero. You can’t control what anyone else says, does, or believes about you, your ex, or your marriage. What’s more, it’s not your job to fight their fiction.
The people who really matter to you will know the truth. Or they’ll ask you for your side of the story. Instead of jumping to conclusions they’ll make their own judgments. And if they don’t, you wouldn’t have been able to persuade them of the truth anyway.
7. If your spouse starts a new relationship 10 minutes after s/he leaves you: Let him/her start that relationship.
It’s gut-wrenching to see your ex looking happy while you’re still grieving. It’s worse when your ex immediately starts a new relationship while you’re still going through a divorce.
But healing isn’t a race. Let your ex move on. Let yourself heal. Your story is still unfolding — beautifully. (Plus, if it’s any consolation, rebound relationships rarely work out in the long term, especially if your ex hasn’t taken the time or done the work to learn and grow from what happened in your marriage.)
8. If your spouse parents differently than you: Let him/her do that.
Co-parenting isn’t co-controlling. If your spouse feeds the kids junk food or misses their bedtime, there’s nothing you can do about that. If your spouse has different rules or values in his/her house than you do, you’re not going to change that.
Instead of trying to control your spouse’s parenting, focus on helping your kids understand that the world isn’t black or white. Mom and Dad can have different rules, and that’s okay. Remember, your job is to focus on the home you do control — yours.
9. If your spouse underestimates you and thinks you’re stupid, that’s fine. Let him/her think what s/he wants.
Being underestimated is the most powerful position you can be in when you’re negotiating anything. If your spouse thinks you don’t understand money, or that’ you’ll make a stupid deal because you don’t know what you’re doing: awesome!
As long as you do your homework, work with a great team, and have a solid plan for moving forward, being underestimated can be the greatest advantage you have. (It also may surprise the devil out of your spouse!)
10. If your spouse needs to feel like s/he “Won” in order to resolve your divorce: Let him/her have that feeling.
You don’t have to win every battle in order to win the war. If you know what you want and you can strategize a way to get what you want WHILE still allowing your spouse to feel like s/he got what s/he wanted, you both win!
It’s okay if your spouse feels superior. It’s okay if s/he feels like s/he pulled one over on you. You’re playing a different game now — one where your peace of mind is the real prize.
Want to Get Through Your Divorce Strategically? Focus on Controlling Yourself and Let Go of Trying to Control Anyone Else
Divorce will teach you a lot about letting go. But if you can master the art of “Let Them,” it won’t just change your divorce… it’ll change your life.
If this spoke to you — or you know someone who needs to hear it — I’d love for you to share it or drop a comment.
You're not alone. And you’re stronger than you think.
