Episode Description
Beverly Price is one of those rare humans who has navigated not one, not two, but multiple divorces in her life. Through that process and all of the pain it caused her and those she loved, she recognized that the key to having the relationship she dreamed of lay within her.
After her last divorce, Beverly embarked on a journey of radical self-awareness. She came "face-to-face" with herself and committed to becoming the person she truly wanted to be. With a lot of hard work and a commitment to change, she transformed herself and her life and is now in a happy, healthy marriage.
Today, Beverly coaches other women who are going through a divorce to change themselves. That in turn helps them change the process of their divorces and their lives after divorce. Beverly guides her clients to let go of their anger and bitterness so that they can find happiness and create the life they truly want both during their divorce and beyond.
In this podcast episode, she shares her guidance so that you, too, can let go of negative emotions and live a better life after your divorce.
Show Notes
About Beverly
Beverly Price, MBA, has 25+ years’ experience as a CDC Certified Divorce®, Women’s Empowerment, Pre-mediation coach and podcast host, providing knowledge, support, and insight to empower women going through the divorce process before, during and after. She guides them through with all of its emotional, legal, financial, educational, organizational and logistical challenges. She provides one-on-one coaching across the US, to address a woman’s unique desire for a fulfilling life designed just the way she wants it.
Her passion is to help women through their divorce process and recovery journey with its ups and downs to grow from self-doubt to self-love quicker, with less pain, and more support than she had. She wants women to feel confident, intelligent, and beautiful so they can live the fabulous lives they were meant to.
Where to Connect with Beverly
You can follow Beverly on Facebook at Her Empowered Divorce, Divorce Recovery and her personal page at Beverly Price. You can also connect with Beverly on LinkedIn at Beverly Price and find her on Instagram at Her Empowered Divorce. The best way to reach Beverly is via email at [email protected] or by phone at 843-315-8659. You can also sign up for Beverly’s newsletter and find blogs and resources on her website at Her Empowered Divorce.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Beverly
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Transcript
Beverly Price: When Divorce Helps You Face the Truth and Own Your Own Stuff
Beverly Price
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
Healing, resentment, letting go, growth
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Beverly Price
Karen Covy Host00:03
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision making to help find out what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how do we get unstuck. I'm your host, Karen Covey, a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach author and entrepreneur. With me today is Beverly Price.
00:25
Beverly Price has 25 plus years experience as a CDC certified divorce coach, women's empowerment pre-mediation coach and podcast host. She provides knowledge, support and insight to empower women who are going through divorce, in the divorce process, both before, during and after. She guides them through all the emotional, legal, financial, educational, organizational and logistical challenges that come with divorce. She provides one-on-one coaching across the US to address a woman's unique desire for fulfilling life designed just the way she wants it. Beverly is also the host of her empowered divorce podcast, with industry leading guests, focusing on supporting a woman's divorce journey. She has a personal history with divorce, co-parenting, domestic violence, multiple marriages, being a single working mother and more. Combining this personal experience with her training, professional certifications and business knowledge, Beverly can help women by supporting them along their grief journey, helping them to work through resentments, fear, sadness and shock. Prior to divorce coaching, Beverly was a senior executive in the corporate world of financial services for over 15 years. Beverly, welcome to the show.
Beverly Price Guest01:42
Oh, thank you so much, Karen. It's an honor to be here.
Karen Covy Host01:45
I am so excited and, if you don't mind, I want to just dive in and jump into the biggest burning question that I have, which is what has your divorce journey been? Can you share a little bit of your story with the audience?
Beverly Price Guest02:00
Oh, absolutely. Well, it's a hard one. It starts with marriage number one, it goes to marriage number two, marriage number three, marriage number four, all four ending in divorce. And you might say why, or you might drop your jaw, as some people do when they hear that.
02:21
Well, what I learned after intense personal work is that I was raised and driven to attention as my definition of success in life, as my definition of being a good girl, was that if I got attention, if I got praise that I was good. So what did I do? I turned to a man that gave me that attention and then, when I didn't feel better about me, I ended that marriage and went to the next. And guess who I was attracted to Another man that gave me attention, and then on to another and another.
02:59
And it took me learning that this was a deep-seated need of me. It was almost like I had a hole in my soul and I tried to have men or marriage fill it up, to make me feel better. And what I learned is that nobody can make me feel better except myself. And so when I encountered a very direct husband, he said to me Beverly, you make everybody's life miserable that you come into contact with and normally I would have lashed back in a skinny minute and instead I had to agree, I had to say you know he was right. And that put me on a journey of deep digging, deep personal self-awareness and a lot of hard work to become a totally different person who is now in a very happy, healthy, surviving marriage. And the inspiration I want to give to people is it can change and it sure can get better if you're willing to do the work.
Karen Covy Host04:08
That's quite a story and you know if I can, just take you back a little bit to that moment where you know your husband was very direct and said you know he's life miserable. Why didn't you lash back that time? What changed in you that allowed you to make a different choice, to have a different reaction?
Beverly Price Guest04:33
I've never been asked that question before. I think it was maybe coming face to face with myself and my reality and finally making the decision that I had to do something about me. And it's that core decision that you have. Do you stay entrenched with what's comfortable, even if it's bad, or do you step out into the unfamiliar but you know it's going to be good? And so that decision, I think, was the pivoting point for me.
Karen Covy Host05:09
And that decision I mean. At first, I want to applaud you for making the decision and for sharing it right, Because that's a really courageous decision to make. You've got to be willing to own your own stuff.
Beverly Price Guest05:26
But the beauty of that, you know, Karen, is that I believe you can find good in most things not everything, but the good I can find is that was a springboard for me to help other women, to study, to learn to find a connection with them and really be able to guide them through what I went through, because back when I went through it there weren't divorce coaches to help, there weren't people that could guide you, and so what I can do is I can take all of that pain and I can take all of those lessons and give it to another woman so that she can come through her journey more whole and more complete.
Karen Covy Host06:10
That is really, really powerful, and it sounds like I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it sounds like that was your inspiration for doing it?
Beverly Price Guest06:20
Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
Karen Covy Host06:24
So when, in your work as a divorce coach, what do you think, Maybe this isn't a fair question, but what do you think is the most important lesson for women to learn if they want to not just get through their divorce, but put themselves in a position to do what you did after your last divorce, which is change and grow and get the relationship they really want?
Beverly Price Guest06:52
I think it's the fearless choice of self-awareness. And I'm not talking just superficial self-awareness, I'm talking deep self-awareness. If you become willing to dig deep and look at yourself, then you can not only navigate your divorce but you can launch yourself on a much more fulfilling life afterwards. But if you continue to want to be the you you've always been, as they say, you're going to get what you've always got 100%.
Karen Covy Host07:24
But how do you as a woman let's say I've been I come to you as a client? How do I even start? How do I even know what to do? Because I think a lot of people have the desire to change. But they don't know what that really means, or how do I get from where I am now to where I want to be, which is in that relationship full of love and contentment and peace and all the things?
Beverly Price Guest07:54
Absolutely Well that's one of the reasons a coach is such a good guide is based on where you are, and remember that everybody comes at a different place. You know, I may come full of anger and rage, or I may come with a victim mentality, or I may come with extreme guilt and shame, and so depending on where you are really affects the plan we would put in place to get you there. If I am strictly, let's say, or if I'm a victim of domestic violence God forbid, but I was you would take one whole process there, versus if I'm a woman that decided that I'd been living my life hoping for change, hoping the relationship would change, realizing that maybe I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If I really looked at all the signals, then I might just be making the decision to leave, and so I'm coming at it in a different place. I'm coming at one where I need almost healing work to be to come up to the level of being okay, versus I'm ready to start the growth journey and I need to look at my foundation. So it really depends on where they are coming to me from.
Karen Covy Host09:28
Well, let's take the example of someone who comes to you and they're looking at their relationship. They're fundamentally unhappy. They've been unhappy for a very long time, kind of had a feeling that things weren't right on whatever level and whatever way that it works in their relationship, and they're getting to the point where they're finally wondering is this it for my life, or is there more? So there hasn't been domestic violence. There hasn't been any kind of outright physical abuse may have been verbal abuse or what have you, which is still something to deal with but fundamentally they've got that malaise, that feeling that this isn't what I want. But how do you help them figure out whether this is the marriage that they want or not and then, if they want a divorce, get through it and start to heal?
Beverly Price Guest10:28
I take them through an analyzing process, analyzing their marriage, analyzing their spouse, analyzing themself. And once they have that fundamental knowledge of reality, then I ask them to tell me what is their ideal relationship, what does it look like? And then the next step is compare the two, compared to what I have, to compare to what I want, how much of that is affected by me and how much of it is affected by him. So the malaise tends sometimes can come from fear of making a decision. The other malaise can come from fear of the unknown. There are a lot of things that can affect that. So really taking a smack dab honest view of what you've got and what you want can really help you decide. Is this something worth keeping and putting the work into, because I see many of the things in my ideal or is this something that's just so far out of whack and I'm not willing to put the work in to change?
Karen Covy Host11:47
I think that last part is really the key because, as we both know, things change doesn't just magically happen, At least the positive kinds of changes that you're describing here, the healing changes. You've got to put the work in. If you can help explain to the audience, what do you mean by the work, what is the work?
Beverly Price Guest12:15
Well, the work are things like looking at all of your resentments and then looking at what part do you play in those resentments. They could be things like looking at your strengths and have you ever acknowledged your strengths? And maybe you need to practice, you know, praising yourself for things you've done. It could be discovering that you have some very deep-seated childhood issues and traumas that need additional support from a therapist. It could mean that you finally realized what your passion is, but you're scared to try it. Let's say you thought a long time about going back to school or starting a business or becoming an artist. You felt that you didn't deserve them. You didn't feel like you could do them, or you didn't feel like you had the know-it-all or the financial resources to do it.
13:24
So there's all kinds of digging, if you will. It really is. It's like digging with a shovel or what I like to say. It's like peeling an onion. You discover things about yourself at different layers. What I discovered about myself 10 years ago is very different than what I discovered about myself today. In some cases, it's the same root problem, but dealing with it at a deeper level. In other cases, it's a whole different issue together.
Karen Covy Host13:57
That makes sense in what you said. What I heard, the word that I kept hearing over and over again, was fear. Yes, it's the unknown fear of this fear, of that we're all. As human beings, we're hardwired to pay attention to fear so that we survive. The question I'm curious about is, regardless of what the fear is, how do you help clients, or what would you say to someone who is like I'm too afraid, I'm stuck, I'm paralyzed?
Beverly Price Guest14:33
We work through what's the worst thing that can happen. Then we pull back from that and say what's the more likely thing that can happen. Then we say what do we need for it to happen? When you link those three, you can come up with, let's say, a to-do list. The other beautiful thing about having a coach is having an accountability partner. I might have discovered some things about myself, and then I'm going to sit down and watch TV for five days. If I have an accountability partner, I'm going to say to you can you send me this by Friday? Can you send me this list by Friday? Can you send me this list by Wednesday? Then, in a coaching session, tell me your progress, tell me what you're thinking, telling me what you're feeling. Are you still afraid? The other thing I do in my practice is I measure their progress over time with their emotions. We do an evaluation at the beginning of what I'd say their level of emotions are. Then we measure it throughout their process so they can actually see the progress that they're making.
Karen Covy Host15:52
That is brilliant. But I think because so many times I don't know, maybe it's especially because we're women I tend to discount the progress you make, the progress as you go. Oh, no, no, no, but I wasn't that bad before. I really haven't made that much progress, right. So having an objective way to say no, look, you really did is, I think helpful.
Beverly Price Guest16:18
Think about it. How many of us really can take a good compliment and just accept it? There's something in our DNA I don't know what it is about women either we think we don't deserve it or whatever, but I think it's been passed down for generations and kind of in great well. We need to learn how to accept that and to move on and praise ourselves, because we really are worthy. We are women of worth, grace and dignity, and we need to start talking to ourselves. That's kind of another issue, thinking about how we talk to ourselves versus how we talk to our best friend, and nine times out of 10, we're always much more positive and supportive with our best friend than we are with ourselves, and we need to change that.
Karen Covy Host17:08
Of course, I think that so many of us are our worst critic right, and I don't know if it's a DNA thing or a socialization thing, which is also very, very possible. Like you mentioned, even in the beginning you were socialized to be the good girl right, and that means not always being able to accept compliments, not always feeling your own power. So to speak learning or walking in, stepping into your own power so that you can be the person you really want.
17:49
To be right, and, as both of us know, the other part about attracting the partner that you want is being the kind of person who will attract that partner Exactly.
Beverly Price Guest18:03
And there's a part of that where I had to say to myself Beverly, sick people don't attract healthy people, only healthy people attract healthy people. So what do I need to get from where I was to where I wanna be to be able to attract, instead of complaining about why there aren't enough men out there? This is a brutal story. I called my girlfriend and I was complaining about why I wasn't in a relationship, and she said, Beverly, if you took the time that you spend complaining about why you're not in a relationship to become the kind of person someone would wanna be in a relationship with, it will happen. And I went ouch, but once again whoa, what truth was that? What a great lesson was that? So they were. These little aha moments and gifts from people that might have come with pain which, by the way, I never seem to grow when life's just hunky dory and I'm happy it's only through pain is my great motivator. That, then, it encourages me to take this new path from divorce to a new and fulfilling life.
Karen Covy Host19:24
Yeah, and that what you said is so powerful and important. First of all, that you had people in your life who were willing to speak the truth. That's amazing, but that you had the courage to hear the truth. This also equally as important, because I think our natural tendency as humans is to throw up the shield and get defensive.
Beverly Price Guest19:48
No, no, no. What do you think? Well, there was probably a little bit. I can't hear. There was probably a little bit, but then you sit back and you go hmm, she's happy, she's happy, I'm not happy. Maybe she knows something, I don't know.
Karen Covy Host20:10
Yeah, and it's about, I think, having that. You put it awareness. I call it openness, too, to say maybe they're right, and maybe the self-awareness to say maybe there's something. If I've been through four husbands and I'm still not happy, what's the common denominator?
Beverly Price Guest20:31
Me absolutely. And then the flip side of that, too is so what's the risk if I try it, even if they're wrong? What have I got to lose to try and be a healthier person, to try and be more attractive? And I don't mean that necessarily in a physical sense, but in more an attribute sense of my personality. If I fuss all the time, if I complain about ex-husbands all the time, if I am filled with anger and rage, who's gonna wanna spend time with me? Nobody, yeah. So that's another thing that I think people forget in divorce is that, after the divorce is complete, the emotions that you decide to store in your body and live your life with are going to be a reflection to the outside world, and that's gonna be a function of who you attract and who you don't attract 100% and also a reflection of the state of your health.
Karen Covy Host21:39
I know I just heard from a former client, someone who I had worked on. It was a guy worked on his divorce a decade ago, right, and he said his ex-wife just never got over it. She was bitter, she was angry, she was whatever and she just died of cancer.
Beverly Price Guest22:02
Yeah, I actually had a similar situation. I knew a woman that eight years after the divorce said to her ex you haven't suffered enough. Two years later she was dead of uterine cancer. Now it has been proven scientifically that stress that divorce, that hatred and anger affect people physically. So not only are you going through this emotional upheaval, but also you're going through a physical upheaval that, if you don't step back and realize that the only person suffering from your anger and rage is yourself, it's not affecting them at all.
Karen Covy Host22:46
Yeah, in both of our stories the ex-husbands are still alive and they're perfectly fine, so it's hanging on to those negative emotions. Ultimately, it's like what is it the Buddhist saying? That holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die?
Beverly Price Guest23:08
Yes, yes, I love that saying. I think that is so true. Yeah, 100%.
Karen Covy Host23:14
But how do you, when you're just so full of that emotion, you're so angry and upset about what happened? Maybe you weren't the one who wanted the divorce, maybe there was a betrayal, maybe there was an addiction? You're just, whatever it was. You're so angry. How do you let go?
Beverly Price Guest23:33
Well, that little sign you've got behind you, where it says mindset plays a big, big piece in that. You know, the more science has shown that the more we think negatively, the more negative pathways we create in our brain, and the more positive we think, the more positive, and depending on how long and deep those are, determine what our instantaneous reactions are. Yeah, so a lot of it's going to be practicing shifting your thinking. You know, I was with a client today who is in one of those places, who has, you know, just been, you know, has been dealt a raw deal and she's having a real hard time getting over it. Well, you try and explain to her that the more you are consumed with it, the more your emotions are feeling it, the less clear you can think, and you probably can't think at all, so you can't make decent decisions for yourself, your children and your future. So what we need to do is we need to practice, and the next time you feel yourself getting angry and rageful at him, in other words obsessing about him, I want you to go clean a drawer in your kitchen. Now, that might sound silly, but it is literally shifting your mind away and becoming distracted by the other.
25:06
Another technique is to visualize a room. It's a brick walls all around, there's a steel door with multiple deadbolt locks. You open that door, you throw your ex and your obsessions and your fears in there, you close that door and you lock it up. Then you have the power to decide when you open those up and let them out. So I'm not telling you can't let them out, but I'm telling you. I want you to practice putting them away, and it's those kinds of techniques you use to help them have some periods of time without that negativity or fear and most of the time when some people have the chance to experience peace, they're going to gravitate toward that. Well, I should preface all of this if somebody's willing to change, there has to be willingness in that If their heels are dug in and this is what they want then nobody can help.
Karen Covy Host26:13
Yeah, the others are not going to change them.
Beverly Price Guest26:16
Yeah, maybe years later they'll be ready, maybe not, but they have to be willing to want to go on this journey.
Karen Covy Host26:23
There was so much gold in what you just said, but one of the things that I really want people to pay attention to is that you said you know this may you may have 100% justification for being angry and upset. You may have been dealt a raw deal, everything bad could have happened to you. All of that can be true, but you can still let go of it, because the anger and the pain you know at some point in the way I frame the world or see the world, is in terms of decision making, and you have a choice. You can either hang on to that bitterness and be miserable or you can let it go even though it was. You know you're justified in being angry. You can choose to let it go or you can choose to hang on.
Beverly Price Guest27:13
Well, what you said earlier, it's only hurting you, it's not hurting them. And letting go is the first step in recovery. And letting go has to happen before acceptance and acceptance has to happen before forgiveness. And the true, true healing and the true, true joy is found in forgiving. Now that is a tall order for someone coming through divorce. So what we do is we focus on the baby steps, we focus on the here and now, we don't worry about forgiveness. Right now, maybe it's impossible and it may take you 20 years to forgive. But let's take a look at what the price is. You are paying, what the price is your family is paying for what you're holding on to, and is it really worth it? Is it worth? You know, drinking that poison, you know those kinds of things, because it just it comes back to. You've got to realize that, although that, maybe that 30 seconds of yeah, I'm going to stick it to him that's going to be 30 seconds and you're going to deal with the residual for a lifetime.
Karen Covy Host28:31
Yeah and it goes back to what you were saying before that you're the one who's paying the price all along for weeks, months, years, for 30 seconds of satisfaction. I mean I guess some people would say it was worth it, but personally that's not a price I'd be willing to pay.
Beverly Price Guest28:52
Yeah. Now here's where it gets complicated. If you're also then, after the divorce and in a very difficult co-parenting situation where all of this stuff keeps coming up and up and up, it's going to be much harder, because the negative pathways, the negative thoughts are going to. You're going to have new material, as they say. So it becomes even more critical for you to desire, or for you to set goals for who you want to be. You know, and a lot of people think well, if I don't talk badly about my spouse to my children, then I'm doing good, that's what I'm supposed to do. But it's more than that. Children can read into body language, they can read into actions, they can read into tone. So it may not only be you you're hurting it, maybe your children as well.
Karen Covy Host29:49
Yeah, I think that's something that's really important for parents to keep in mind, and so many times parents think, well, if I just say the right thing, right, yeah, but kids don't learn by what you say. They learn by what you do, what you do.
Beverly Price Guest30:04
Yes, you are so right, absolutely.
Karen Covy Host30:09
And that makes a big difference. I have a question for you. Given all of your vast experience, personal and professional, if you had to give a woman who is facing a divorce one piece of advice, or a decision to divorce one piece of advice, what would you tell?
Beverly Price Guest30:27
Don't let your emotions hijack you. Process your emotions so that you can think clearly and make good decisions, because, if not, you won't get an outcome you want. Or you'll wake up three to five years from now and go oh my God, I shouldn't have done that and this will affect you the absolute rest of your life Within six months.
Karen Covy Host30:57
I mean once yes, that's true Once your head starts to clear. I've seen this with so many people. Oh, I bet you have. Yeah, they look back and they go. What was I thinking Right? So it's all about dealing with your emotions so that you can think clearly. But that brings me to yet one more question, which is okay. You're supposed to process the emotions, but you're not supposed to make emotional decisions, so isn't that? Don't those two statements conflict?
Beverly Price Guest31:34
No, because I'm talking about processing the emotions so they don't run you Doesn't mean you're not going to have emotion.
31:43
It means they're not going to control you. It means that that rage isn't there for the moments you need. I use another visualization for clients when they're walking into a meeting with an attorney or a mediator or a parenting coordinator, that there is this box and they can make this box as beautiful and elaborate as they want, and it has a lid and it has a lock. And what I want them to do is open that box before they move into that meeting with the mediator or attorney or ex or parenting coordinator and put all of their emotion in that box, shut it and lock it, walk into that meeting, treat it just like a neutral business setting. When they come out, they can take all of those emotions back out absolutely and own all of them. But just for that one hour, just for that meeting, I want them to keep it in that box so they make the best decisions for themselves they can, because they only will have themselves to blame for poor decisions.
Karen Covy Host32:50
True, and that is such great advice, and I just I want to thank you for all of the wisdom that you have shared, and I know that you have an e-book that people can access. Can you tell me about that?
Beverly Price Guest33:05
Absolutely, and that's an e-book about my personal journey and the shame I felt with multiple divorces. It also can be read by women who only have one divorce but are feeling shame. But it gives you a real insight into my journey and how emotions can consume you and how you can also let the judgments of other people consume you at the same time.
Karen Covy Host33:41
That sounds like a really good read, a really powerful book. And where can people find you if they're interested in following up with you? What's the best place to reach you?
Beverly Price Guest33:46
You can go to www.herempowereddivorce.com. You can sign up for a free consultation just to chat with me about your situation, and there's a variety of resources there, whether it's my podcast episodes, whether it's under the resources tab. I have e-books and different things as well. I have a blog on there, so there's lots and lots of information available to them.
Karen Covy Host34:12
Beverly, you have been a tremendous resource for so many, just in this podcast episode alone. I just want to thank you, thank you, thank you and for all of you out there who are listening or who are watching, if you like this episode, please give us a thumbs up, like, subscribe and share, and I'll talk to you again next time.
