Episode Description - Are Your Childhood Wounds Still Running Your LIfe?
Ever wonder why you and your spouse seem to have the same fight over and over again? Or why the way your spouse treats you reminds you of how your mother/father/brother/sister treated you? Or why – if you’re already divorced and are dating again – you seem to pick the same kind of romantic partner over … and over … and over again? The answer to these questions and more often lies buried deeply in your childhood wounds.
In this week’s podcast episode, Tammy Cox, a transformational coach, reveals how even seemingly minor emotional experiences can create deep-seated beliefs that unconsciously drive our adult behaviors and relationship patterns.
Those internalized beliefs – beliefs such as feeling unlovable or unimportant - create invisible emotional blueprints that repeat throughout our lives, influencing everything from our self-perception to our closest relationships.
Thankfully, by learning to recognize our emotional triggers and exploring their origins, we can uncover and neutralize our childhood wounds and create more fulfilling adult relationships.
If you’ve ever suffered from self-doubt or feelings of unworthiness, this podcast episode will show you how to shift your belief system and start choosing beliefs that empower you. In that way you can start to break dysfunctional relationship patterns and step into true emotional freedom.
Show Notes
About Tammy
Tammy Cox is a dedicated Transformational Coach with a passion for helping women transform their lives and relationships. With a unique focus on inner child healing, Tammy uncovers the root causes of relationship breakdowns, guiding her clients on a deeply transformative journey toward rekindling emotional connection and love. Tammy's personal life journey was marked by significant childhood wounds, bringing her to a crossroads where she faced two choices: surrender to despair or embark on a path of healing. She chose the latter, committing to an inspiring voyage of self-discovery and personal growth, which shaped her into the transformational coach she is today.
Connect with Tammy
You can connect with Tammy on LinkedIn at Tammy Cox and on Facebook at Tammy Cox. You can follow Tammy on Instagram at Tammy Cox and X on Tamncox. To find out all about Tammy visit her Linktr at Tammy Cox.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Tammy
- Tammy Cox is a transformational coach specializing in inner child healing and helping women transform their relationships, inspired by her own journey of healing childhood trauma.
- She discovered the importance of addressing childhood wounds when becoming a wife and mother, realizing that unresolved traumas manifest in recurring patterns and triggers in adult relationships.
- She believes that unresolved childhood wounds and traumas create limiting beliefs that unconsciously drive our behaviors and relationship patterns, often carried through generations via epigenetics.
- Trauma doesn't necessarily require massive abuse; it can stem from seemingly minor emotional experiences that create deep-seated beliefs about oneself, such as feeling unlovable or unimportant.
- Recognizing personal triggers is crucial - when someone gets emotionally triggered, it's an opportunity to investigate the underlying belief system and understand its origin in childhood experiences.
- Forgiveness is key to healing - not for the other person, but for oneself. It involves breaking negative emotional ties to past events that no longer serve you.
- Tammy emphasizes the importance of the "emotional scale," which ranges from lower frequencies like fear and shame to higher frequencies like love, joy, and peace, and encourages people to consciously choose to move up the scale.
- She sees a significant shift happening with the rising feminine energy, where women are increasingly recognizing their own worth and autonomy, moving away from traditional patriarchal belief systems.
- While personal healing work can be done individually, Cox strongly recommends working with a professional coach or therapist to achieve deeper, faster, and more effective transformation.
- Her podcast, "Behind the Veil," offers anonymous transformations where individuals can publicly work through their personal challenges and healing processes, providing both therapeutic value and educational insights for listeners.
- The ultimate goal is to help individuals, especially women, recognize their inherent worth, release judgment, and choose beliefs that support their happiness and personal empowerment.
Do you like what you've heard?
Share the love so more people can benefit from this episode too!
Transcript
When Your Childhood Whispers: How Childhood Wounds Run Your Life
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
healing trauma, limiting beliefs, forgiveness, transformation
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Tammy Cox
Karen Covy Host
00:10
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach, author and entrepreneur. And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show.
With me today is Tammy Cox, and Tammy is a dedicated transformational coach with a passion for helping women transform their lives and relationships. With a unique focus on inner child healing, Tammy uncovers the root causes of relationship breakdowns, guiding her clients on a deeply transformative journey toward rekindling emotional connection and love. Tammy's personal life journey was marked by significant childhood wounds, bringing her to a crossroads where she faced two choices surrender to despair or embark on a path of healing. She chose the latter, committing to an inspiring voyage of self-discovery and personal growth which shaped her into the transformational coach she is today. Tammy, welcome to the show.
Tammy Cox Guest
01:29
Thank you so much, Ms Karen. I'm happy to be here. I know this is going to be fun.
Karen Covy Host
01:34
Yeah, I am thrilled to have you and you know I touched in your bio on a little bit of what got you here. But I'm always curious what got you to the point of being a transformational coach? Start wherever you want to start
Tammy Cox Guest
01:46
Well, like most of us in this space, it came from a very colorful childhood filled with so much trauma, and it really wasn't until I became a wife and a mom where all of my triggers started to bubble to the surface, like everything that I thought was behind me. You know, it was way back there. I started to trigger. I started to trigger constantly and I got to the place where I was just like I just I can't live like this. I can't go on like this is just not OK.
02:27
And what most people don't realize is the wounds in that early development. If they're not dealt with, you literally hold them in your body. And so having kids was really what. It's really that defining moment when I had my first daughter, when I looked at her and I just realized this precious little angel, I don't want her to go through any of the shit that I went through and that's really what I had been on my healing journey.
02:54
But that's really what triggered me to go deeper, because I had been trying, you know, the therapies, the talk therapies, the books, the retreats, religion, prayer, like I tried all the things and I'd get a little bit better, but things would tend to just go back to the same, and so I needed something deeper, and for me, that was really working on neutralizing the traumas and really working on those first five years of my development where most of our personality is actually created. And then, of course, once I did that for myself, having these tremendous results, I was like this is what I would like to bring to the world. Like, every woman needs this work. Every woman needs to have the opportunity to heal herself so that she can have the results that she wants.
03:47
Just so happens that that turned more into relationships, specifically love relationships, because, hello, that's where all the most difficult triggers come up. For us is really the most intimate and closest relationship. So that's kind of where I swim around in the relationship space and it's really my love, because most people don't see it but, like, your relationship with yourself is reflected out into your relationships with everyone else. So when you heal you, you heal everyone around you.
Karen Covy Host
04:25
Yeah, that makes so much sense. But I want to go back and bring out something that you touched upon when you said you know, I thought I left all that stuff behind me. You know, and I think a lot of us do exactly the same, we think we're okay, we think we've dealt with our stuff right. So if somebody is out there and listening and wants to know and they're like well, you know, I think I dealt with my childhood stuff right, how can they know? Because you thought you had dealt with yours too, and, lo and behold, not so much right. So how can somebody know? What are the signs that the problem is really with them and maybe they haven't dealt with the things that they should have already?
Tammy Cox Guest
05:10
Well, a few things. One is your emotional state. What's your emotional state like? Do you feel peace in your body most of the time? Do you feel love? Do you feel these higher frequencies, which is love, joy, peace, all these freedom, fun? Are you hanging out there most of the time or are you on the bottom of the scale? I see that a lot of people who haven't dealt with their stuff, they spend a lot of time in depression, which is powerlessness. So that's one way of determining. Another is what do your relationships look like? Another is what do your relationships look like? Are they beautiful?
05:47
I mean, we all have issues, don't get me wrong. I've been on my journey a long time and my issue is still there. Right, I think it's just a lifelong thing to unpack layers like an onion, right? But when we know we have a lot of active trauma within our body, we're just very unwell. We're at the lower end of the scale. We have a lot of fear-based thinking. We operate from our subconscious programming, which is basically the same cycles of thought every single day, every single day.
06:24
But really our relationships, our most intimate relationships, are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. So those are a couple of big ones that I've noticed. But, like I mentioned, we all have healing work to do because trauma is a gift to us. It is an absolute gift. However, if we do not neutralize the events, what happens is you hold the pain inside of your body and it goes with you all through life, and so when you have a fight with this person or that person or something comes up in one of these relationships, it's triggering that old wound comes up in one of these relationships, it's triggering that old wound. So if you get triggered, it's a really good indicator that you have wounds, soft spots like sores, that it's triggering, and so that's what it was for me.
Karen Covy Host
07:16
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I think that the challenge for so many people is that when they are in a relationship and they are triggered, the tendency that most of us have is to say well, you did it to me, right, you're triggering me, as if the trigger is something that I have no control over, which is not true. You and I both know that. But the tendency is to look outward and say it's your fault, person, that I'm in this relationship with, right. So when somebody finds themselves doing that or, you know, getting upset and angry with the other person for triggering them, what can or should they do with that piece of information? Because, fundamentally, it's just a piece of information. This behavior triggered me to feel this way. What do they do then?
Tammy Cox Guest
08:09
Well, I like to investigate it. When I get triggered, I like to sit down with my journal and I like to say, okay, what am I bothered by? Like, what's bothering me? And I will just go on and on and on, and usually what happens is we'll get to a place which is like the root cause what am I believing about myself in this moment?
08:33
So I have teenagers and I wanted to figure out why I was so triggered when they disrespected me and I use the quotes simply because if I feel disrespected, that doesn't mean that that was their intention, but it's how I felt by it. Right, the first thing is, is you got to take complete ownership of your stuff? If you get triggered, it's not the other person, it's you. They are, like I said, tapping an old sore, that you have an old wound. So if you got curious about it and started to investigate it, you'd see the belief that was underlying it, and so that's what we're looking for. So when I started doing this with my kids and triggering me, I started to notice that underneath it was a belief that I wasn't a good mom.
And so. I had to dig, like it didn't come out like just pop into my mind. The second after no, I had to sit down with my journal and I really had to list the things off until I got to the bottom of it. And at the bottom of it was this belief I'm not a good mom, so I had to deal with a belief and I believe that's what we all get to do. If we really, if we really want to get to the bottom of our life and own all of it, then we have to know what our beliefs are, why we have them and to choose them on purpose. Because if we're going based on the beliefs that were imprinted on us on the moment of conception, where all of dad's DNA and all of mom's DNA become our DNA, if we're going to stick with that programming, then we don't do any of the inner healing. But if we want a different outcome than our parents got, then we all have to do our inner healing journey, or else you're just going to get. You're going to get stuck with that same old system.
Karen Covy Host
10:17
I 100% agree, but I want to poke a little bit, because I think this is a place where a lot of people like they get stuck. It's the obstacle that gets in their way, because they you know what. If I said to you well, yes, but what I believe is true, it's the truth. It's not like an opinion, it's a belief. I believe this is true. So how can I just change it? What do I do? Lie to myself? What would you say?
Tammy Cox Guest
10:48
It is a truth, right? We call them in my line of work, we call them relative truths. So within each human being, we all have these things called relative beliefs. These things are bad, these things are good, this is right, this is wrong. We all have those.
11:03
But you adopted them from your parents and your parents' parents and your parents' parents' parents. So if you don't start to investigate them, first of all, you just took what was handed to you and you didn't question it. You just said okay, right. And then the next thing is if it's a belief that is serving you, don't touch it, leave it alone, it's good, wonderful. But if it's a belief that is serving you, don't touch it, leave it alone, it's good, wonderful.
11:26
But if it's a belief that's not hurting you and I'll give you a couple for instances, because in my line of work these are called life commands, and a life command is something that's developed from trauma specifically happens in the early part of life. Two of mine around men were men hurt me and men aren't safe because my dad was abusive, right, and so, with those beliefs stamped onto my track, what kind of men do you think that I attracted? So I give that example for people to know that if I never went in and I never tweaked my beliefs, that I would be stuck with a bogus system that really didn't work for my highest and best. So, instead of judging it, guys, if we could just go back and look at them and be, like you said, neutral about it. It's not bad or good, it's just the system we were given. It's offered us a program to start this life out with.
12:24
But now that we know modern science is brilliant I study this stuff and it's like we now know that our beliefs track back on our epigenetics, which is stamped onto our dna. It goes back seven generations and if we're holding on to beliefs that are seven generations old, fear-based beliefs that aren't serving us, it's like you can keep that system by all means, but most of it isn't serving us. Right, and that's where we're at. And if we look out at the world and the people that are really struggling with the polarities of right and wrong right now, we're just looking at people's beliefs and you know, the ones that are really struggling are the ones that are yelling the loudest for their team.
Karen Covy Host
13:11
But how do you separate yourself from your belief? Because to most people, a belief feels like it's reality, like this is just the way things are right. And I don't know about you, but I've worked with people who will argue to the death for their belief. Like you said, you know it's the people who are cheering for their team the loudest. No, I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. How can you help them? Look and see. What can they do to figure out? Is what I'm arguing? That's right? Is it a truth, is it reality, or is it a belief? Is it something that I can change?
Tammy Cox Guest
13:58
Well, I believe everything can be changed. However, I do not try and force my beliefs on someone else, and that is my belief that you can change a belief, because if they don't believe that they can change a belief, they can't. Yeah, whether you think you're right or you think you're wrong, it's you're correct, right. So you can't argue with someone's belief system. However kind of what I was saying to you before we started recording was what I've noticed with people. They have to be in so much pain before they'll finally even make the decision to change, and so that's how it was for me. I had to be so desperate, in so much pain and at the end of my rope, so to speak, before I was like to change this. And if they're, if you're not open at all.
14:44
Some people are so closed, right, they have walls up everywhere. They're very closed, they're not open to another person's opinion, and in that case I say do not try and change their mind, walk away, wish them well, bless them in every way, but do not try and argue for their limitations with them If they want to believe that life cannot get better for them, that they can't fix this, that or the other, if they want to believe that the world is terrible. If they want to like whatever they want to believe, they have every right to do so. But will I be getting involved in that conversation? No, yeah, I'll say bye, sweetie, have fun with all them beliefs. But I'm going this way, I'm going to feel good.
Karen Covy Host
15:25
Yeah That makes so much more sense, but I want to dig in a little bit, because it sounds like a lot of this I mean some of it's imprinting some of it's epigenetics, whatever, but some of it, a lot of it. What we're familiar with is trauma, right? So you know, trauma in childhood causes you to create, or adopt, however you want to look at it, a lot of beliefs about how the world works, some of which, as you get older you find out, maybe aren't true and they're definitely not serving you, right? So the question that I have for you is what kind of trauma triggers? Let's just call it a limiting belief, right? Are you looking at massive child abuses? Did you have to get beaten as a child? Do you have to get neglected? Did you have to be abused in a horrible way, or is it something less or everything in between, Like what constitutes trauma in your work?
Tammy Cox Guest
16:23
So trauma is just a high state of negative emotion, and in this high state of negative emotion, boom, a belief gets stamped on there. So no, it doesn't have to be significant. I will share one with you that didn't even seem like trauma to me, okay, but impacted me greatly. So my dad died when I was 11. We didn't have much money when he was alive. The Christmas after he died we had all this money because the government, you know, took care of us. And so I wake up on Christmas morning, I go out and I see all these presents under the tree that I'd never experienced before and I'm like, oh, and then, the next second, the belief came in. You have to lose someone you love in order to have more money.
17:11
And I was carrying that one forever. It was not a traumatic event that you would think, but in that moment I created this belief that I had all these things because he died, and so this is how everything works. So no, it doesn't have to be this big, catastrophic event. But another thing I'll say about trauma is when I'm working with someone and we're going back to neutralize these big events, we start big and then go smaller, smaller, so to speak. I actually use their subconscious mind. I ask their subconscious mind to take me to the first event they want to deal with. So I really work with that part of themselves.
17:58
When I'm working with a person, we notice themes. So we go back to the event. They feel everything they felt as that child at that age, and then I say what are you believing about yourself in this moment? I start to ask this over and over and over again. So basically, I have this whole page of things that they're believing, and then what we do is we go through them at the end and I say, after we've gone through the process and they're kind of more in their conscious state, I say, okay, which one of these are really highlighted to you? Like they come up a lot. You'll say them in your mind when you get gotten a fight with someone, and so for me, the two that were just running my whole life was I'm unlovable and I'm not important, and so if I looked back at all my events, they were on every single one. So that's how we find the ones that the ones that track are on, the ones that are really, really powerful on your particular track. They will be in every event that we visit.
Karen Covy Host
18:58
Is this the kind of thing that someone can find on their on their own, like to look at the themes that have been tracking through their whole life, or at least have been tracking through their relationships? You know, because this the, the beliefs that we hold and that we create as a, as a child, come with us through the rest of our lives and then obviously it impacts our relationships. Um, is this the kind of thing that, like, if somebody wants to, if they're saying you know what? This, my relationship isn't working for me, or my relationships aren't working for me? Um, can they, what can they do to dig down and find this? Or is it the kind of thing that they really need help to find?
Tammy Cox Guest
19:42
Well, I would always advise someone to get help from someone else, because, first of all, we will find every stinking way in the book to try and get out of facing these things a lot of times right? So when you have someone to first of all, hold you accountable, hold your hand through it, take you step by step, nurture you and walk, yep, you're doing fine, we're doing this. You do it together with someone, you're a lot more likely to do it and also, you're just going to go deeper in general because you have the accountability of two people there. So even my clients that know almost every one of my processes and can technically do them on their own, they're still not going to get as far as when I take them through it, because I'm going to cause them. I'm going to see it from a different perspective and I'm going to cause them maybe to go even a little bit deeper than they would have done on their own. So I will always, always, always say if you want the fastest, shortest, easiest option, have someone walk you through it. But if you're like a lot of people and you're just sort of want to dip your toe in the water, you could totally do some of these practices on your own. Like I said, I don't think you're going to get as far as fast, but you totally could. You could start with checking out the patterns and the themes Okay, here's my patterns and themes and then you could go.
21:04
I do a lot of journal work with my clients because when you put pen to paper, there's a certain sort of focus that happens and you can kind of see it in black and white. You can. It's, it's good. So, okay, you write, write out the patterns, you see, and maybe you know you grow that list and then you start to identify okay, yeah, I in this relationship, I did this and that happened and it was the same breakup.
21:27
And so identify the patterns and then say, what did I feel about that? And then, if you can grab a hold of the emotion, you can track the emotion back. That's what I do with my clients. We track back via the emotion, and so, yes, you could do some of this work on your own. I scoop up a lot of free resources out there, but, gosh, there's just nothing like working with someone who's done it so many times and can show you that faster, easier path, because, like my journey was long and with my clients. It's much shorter, so it's like I guess you could take, you know, 22 years if you want.
Karen Covy Host
22:10
Seems like a little bit little excessive to me. But you know we all have our own paths. But you know, one of the things that I really am excited about in the way that you work with people is in your new podcast. It's called Behind the Veil right. Anonymous Transformations and tell me about that, tell the audience about it, because I just think this is the coolest idea ever.
Tammy Cox Guest
22:52
They tell me okay, this is my issue. This is kind of my pattern with men, or here's where I'm at in my marriage and then we dissected a little bit, Um, and then I have them take me back to their childhood and we do, you know, some transformation work. So, um, it's so, it's so good. I love it because it because it's my absolute give. Like I said, people can learn the processes to do on themselves. They could also.
23:25
I feel like just watching someone go through a transformation, I get something out of it every time I take someone through a transformation, and so I feel like it's just a give, give, give all around. Plus, if someone didn't have the resources to hire me, they could always just, you know, apply to be on the podcast and get a free transformation and like stuff like that. It's just, it's the first step, but it's like there are so many free resources there's YouTube and so many great resources and I feel like no one's doing what I'm doing, where they're really taking you into their process.
Karen Covy Host
24:15
Yeah a hundred percent yeah, so you know you've worked with a lot of people at this point, and I don't know how many, but a lot right. So what are the common patterns that you see, particularly in women? We'll start there. What patterns do women typically, or do a lot of women have in relationships that are holding them back?
Tammy Cox Guest
24:32
Well, kind of what I was breaking down for you in our pre-call was what I'm seeing now as far as okay, the feminine is now rising, right. We went through so many years where we weren't even considered like human beings, we were not autonomous, we were the possession of a man, we didn't have a voice. Like how long ago did were we even able to vote? It hasn't even been that long, right. And so we're finally at this place where women are now energetically almost 50, 50 to men, and this may sound crazy, but this changes everything, because now what I noticed with my clients is when they come in, they're still putting themselves down here. Husband is up here. Now I attract a certain kind of woman because I have a strong personality, I'm a controller, so I tend to attract women that are more supporters, and they come to me and I'm trying to we're trying to lift her up.
25:34
So women have a lot of like I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. Men have them too. But in these, in this time of like women, the feminine rising. She gets to own her power like she never has before and it gets to be okay, right, it gets to be okay for her to own her power. So that's a huge part of it.
25:58
When we go into like I was raised in a religious system where women were lesser than where children were lesser than right. So that's really the theme I see happening is that you know, that's why a lot, that's why marriage in general, I think, is either going to go extinct or in the next hundred years, I just perceive it either going extinct or we have to shift it completely to where it doesn't have this big, bad, horrible viewpoint when it's dissolved. It's like why does divorce have to be so bad? If it worked for a certain time and certain place, great. But when it dissolves, it doesn't have to be this big, hairy, horrid deal, right?
26:53
The woman is now empowered, she doesn't need a man to survive, she can make it on her own right, and so I think those old beliefs, that old mindset. It's going away quickly, but we need to allow it to move a little bit quicker. So let's stop beating ourself up about all the failures. No failures, okay, there is no failures. You can't get this thing wrong. We have to let go of the guilt and shame of all the voices that tell us don't do this, do this, do that. Those voices have to dissolve, and we got to let go of the judgment.
Karen Covy Host
27:33
That's huge, but it's also easier said than done. So what would you say to somebody who's probably been so entrenched since childhood in judging everything, including themselves, right? Oh, this is wrong, this is bad, I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. I mean, some people will should themselves to death, right. So what would you say to somebody? How can they start to let go of some of that when it feels like who they are?
Tammy Cox Guest
28:06
Yeah, well, that's just part of the healing process. It's one of the big things that we work on I work on with my clients is dissolving the judgment, because judgment leads to suffering. Also, this idea of time, like time, is not a real thing. We've created it. It feels real to us, it feels very real, but it's actually not. You know, and as an eternal being such as we all are, we just have to reach that conclusion that we didn't come here to do this for them and that for them and this for them and this for that, and, like you, didn't come here to fulfill everyone's agenda. You came here for your own life purpose, and the only way that I know that you can find that life purpose is for you to heal yourself. I have my clients stare at the emotional scale all the time so that they understand the higher frequencies versus the lower.
Karen Covy Host
29:07
Okay, let me stop you right here. What is the emotional scale? Can you explain that?
Tammy Cox Guest
29:11
Yeah, I'd love to be able to put the picture in here. Basically, everything vibrates in the universe, right? Everything has a frequency, every person has a frequency. The lower frequencies are going to be the guilt, shame, powerlessness, fear, all that stuff. The higher frequencies are going to be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, freedom, fun, lightheartedness, all that stuff up here For you to identify where your frequency is.
29:44
The majority of the time when my clients come to me, they're like oh, I'm on this fear one. So we look at the emotional scale so we can say okay, so you're down here and it spirals down right, so you can go lower or you can spiral up and go higher. However, if you're not aware of where you're at, how can you reach a higher level? And that's the goal. So most of them start out in the fear, right, because they've been given the bogus program of fear. Yeah, and for them to choose the higher states I'm like well, what do you want to feel in your day? Do you want to feel joy, do you want to feel love? Do you want to feel freedom? Pretty sure we all do, really. But we have to identify the beliefs and the thought patterns that are keeping us on the lower part of that scale.
Karen Covy Host
30:30
Yeah, but that's just. That's the key, right. If somebody they may want intellectually, they want the joy and the love and the freedom and all the things that make them feel lighter, but they don't believe they can get it, yeah, where they something that basic? Fundamentally, if they don't believe they can, they can't. So how can somebody who is caught in that feeling start to shift it?
Tammy Cox Guest
31:07
Well, a huge one is forgiveness. We have to forgive and, yes, it all goes back to self-forgiveness, right? Because everything is a reflection of your relationship with yourself, so you got to forgive yourself. This goes hand in hand with judgment. So that's why I say I make them look at the scale, see where guilt and shame are, see where fear is, See where powerlessness is. Is this where you want it? Because all those beliefs are keeping you down here. If you want to believe that, then there's nothing I can do. But that's why I feel like showing them the scale gives them a visual of saying, oh, I'm down here.
31:44
Well, what are the beliefs that you got going on? Oh well, I still haven't forgiven myself for this. I married the wrong person, I cut someone off on the freeway. They have all these guilty. They have all this guilt towards themselves and I'm like, what would it take for you to just let's just cut the ties with all the negative past? What if we were so completely new in this moment that none of the in the past came with us and we were right here, brand new in this present moment, with nothing from back there here. It's just us here now. We just got to learn how to break up with the negative past, and forgiveness is such a hard word for people because I think they don't understand it.
Karen Covy Host
32:29
What don't people understand? What do you think?
Tammy Cox Guest
32:32
I think that they don't understand that unforgiveness is simply just cutting the tie to the negative emotion that you have tied to certain events, just breaking the tie, okay, so if it's like so, I'll use my my relationship with my father. My father, like I said, died of AIDS when I was 11. I had a lot of anger at him. He probably received I hate to. I don't know what this word is. Receive, the receive the disease, that's not the word. Help me with the word.
Karen Covy Host
Caught
Tammy Cox Guest
Caught. He caught AIDS by cheating on my mother and it's very likely that he had it when my mom conceived all three of her children, including me. So what could have been? All of us, my entire family, was just him, right, because there was a miracle. So I had a lot of anger at him because of all the damage he did to my family, and there was so much damage, right, I had a lot of unforgiveness. He is now long gone. Like I said, I was 11 and I was left with all this hatred for him.
33:49
Now, what good is that going to do me? To have hatred for a dead man? What is that good? It is like. I love this analogy. It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well, the other person's already dead and I'm poisoning myself with that toxic energy. So it's like you think that it's letting them off the hook, but it's not. Forgiveness has nothing to do with letting the other person off the hook. It's letting you off the hook. It's breaking up with this idea that by having some sort of negative tie to that event, series of events, that that somehow serves you. It doesn't. It doesn't serve you, so just let it go. Let it go. It's very easy. But people want to make it a big thing. But if it keeps you in guilt and shame like it's sorry, it is not serving you.
Karen Covy Host
34:41
Yeah, no, 100%. I think that. But again it all comes back to the belief that they can let it go. It's like some people are, so they hold on so tightly that letting go seems really, really hard.
Tammy Cox Guest
34:58
Yeah, yeah, it does. It does. It did to me as well. But if I showed you what it did to your body, like you, all the energy that you hold in your body, all the emotions that you hold in your body affect you. So there's a lot of people. One lady I just took her through one process of forgiveness. Her dad beat her and then every man she was with beat her and we just went through the simple process of breaking the tie and releasing and she was like allergic to all this stuff. She's like ever since we went through that I went through that session with you all of my allergies went away. So when I tell you that you are a deeply intricately connected being, physical dis-ease is connected to your emotional state. So if it were affecting you on those levels and you knew it, why would you want to hang on to it?
Karen Covy Host
35:57
Yeah, I think that's. The key is that this is the kind of thing that we're not taught as we grow up, as we go through school, as whatever, and most people don't. It takes a long time for them to see the connection between this. You know the judgment, the guilt, the trauma, the whatever happened in the past and the sickness or the dis-ease of the present that their body feels bad. But there is a connection. I mean, it's just that, because it's not something that you can see right in front of you, you kind of have to connect the dots and you can connect the dot, connect the dots in a variety of different ways, which makes it hard to say well, is this way right or is that? Where am I looking at this right or am I making it all up?
Tammy Cox Guest
36:49
yeah, no, there's so many different ways, and I just think it's it starts with the intention that you're letting it go. It starts with the intention of, like, I'm doing what serves me best because I deserve to be so freaking happy. It's like I make my clients say that to themselves all day long I am happy because I choose to be happy, because I deserve to be happy, because it's my birthright, because I want to be. It's like, yes, you get to be happy. Why hang out on the lower end of that scale where it feels just awful? Why, right, yeah, why make yourself suffer when you just don't have to?
Karen Covy Host
37:33
Yeah, I agree. Well, this has been an amazing conversation and I hope that people really take you up on your offer to check out the podcast because it's you know, you call it behind the veil, but it's also kind of a behind the scenes way to look at. You know all the different processes and techniques that you can use. You know, like you said, people can do it on themselves or they can, you know, work with someone like you or you to guide them through, which makes it a whole lot more efficient and effective. But again, everybody's got their own way. But, for heaven's sakes, at least people you know, go check out the podcast because it's to me. I'm going to go check it out because I'm fascinated. So I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and sharing your journey with everyone here. If people want to know more about you and the work that you do, where's the best place for them to find you ?
Tammy Cox Guest
38:35
so I'll go ahead and give you my link tree. It has all my socials on there. If you have like a relationship question or a question about any of this, you could just reach out to me on Instagram. But if you're interested in anything that I said and you want to see if I could be a good fit for you, you can. I have discovery calls that you can book straight off the link, and if you want to apply to be on the podcast, the link will be on there as well. So it's kind of a one-stop shop.
Karen Covy Host
39:10
I would love that. Thank you so much for sharing.
Tammy Cox Guest
You're welcome
Karen Covy Host
And for those of you watching or listening all of that, all of the things will be linked in the show notes. So it's going to be really easy for you to access Tammy and to find her Tammy again. Thank you so much I really appreciate it.
Tammy Cox Guest
39:23
Thank you, Ms Karen, it has been wonderful.
Karen Covy Host
39:26
It has been a fun conversation. So, for those of you out there who are watching or who are listening, if you like this conversation, if you'd like to hear more conversations just like this, do me a big favor, give this a thumbs up, like subscribe, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
