Episode Description - Divorce Without Court: What You Need to Know
Sometimes the hardest part of divorce is realizing you actually have choices. But that’s exactly where Rosemarie Ferrante begins. A seasoned family law attorney with more than 25 years of experience, Rosemarie shares how to divorce without court and how. mediation and Collaborative Divorce can transform your most painful transition into an opportunity for growth. Drawing from both her professional expertise and her own experience as a divorced mother of three, she reveals why even SHE wishes she'd done some things differently.
This discussion dives deeply into what mediation and Collaborative Divorce actually look like in practice, and they're not what most people assume. Rosemarie explains how couples can build custom teams of professionals (legal, financial, and emotional) tailored to their specific needs. Those teams enable a couple to navigate complex finances, address substance abuse issues, or learn how to have difficult conversations even if they haven’t communicated well in years.
If you or someone you know is in the beginning stages of divorce and you want to stay OUT of court, this podcast episode will help guide you to make the choices that will allow you to do exactly that.
Show Notes
About Rosemarie
Rosemarie Ferrante is a family attorney with over 25 years of experience, specializing in non-adversarial divorce through mediation and collaborative divorce. She believes families deserve compassionate, private processes for restructuring their lives, processes that honor relationships, reduce conflict, and protect children. Her goal is to guide families through divorce with compassion, providing the tools and resources they need for a healthier transition.
Rosemarie ensures that individuals have the emotional, financial, and legal support they need to move forward with confidence. She works with couples to create agreements that reflect fairness and respect, encouraging ongoing positive relationships between co-parents and their children.
Connect with Rosemarie
You can connect with Rosemarie on LinkedIn at Rosemarie Ferrante and on Facebook at Divorce Mediation Center of Fairfield County, LLC. And follow Rosemarie on YouTube at Divorce Media Center CT and on Instagram at Divorce Media Center CT. To find out more about Rosemarie’s work visit the website Divorce Mediation CT.
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Rosemarie
- Rosemarie Ferrante is a family law attorney with 25+ years of experience who shifted from litigation to exclusively non-adversarial divorce work because traditional litigation felt destructive for families.
- Her own divorce deepened her commitment to peaceful divorce, teaching her that emotional support and alignment in co-parenting are essential but often overlooked.
- Mediation involves spouses working with a neutral facilitator who guides conversations on parenting, finances, and decision-making without representing either party.
- There are multiple forms of mediation, including private mediation, court-required mediation, co-mediation with financial or mental-health neutrals, and “mediation” used in litigation contexts.
- Collaborative divorce is a structured team-based process involving collaboratively trained attorneys, a mental-health neutral, and a financial neutral, all focused on respectful, goal-oriented resolutions.
- Collaborative divorce includes a participation/disqualification agreement requiring all professionals to withdraw if the case goes to court—promoting commitment to settlement.
- Choosing mediation vs. collaborative depends on assessments such as willingness to cooperate, communication ability, emotional readiness, and considerations like domestic violence or substance abuse.
- With proper assessments and safety protocols, even cases involving coercive control or substance abuse may work in non-adversarial processes, often with added professional support.
- Couples who mediate or collaborate have far fewer post-divorce disputes, partly because they create their own agreements and include built-in dispute-resolution procedures.
- Rosemarie leads the Connecticut Council for Non-Adversarial Divorce, which promotes training, public awareness, and vetted professional directories to help families choose peaceful divorce options.
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Transcript
Divorce Without Court: What You Need to Know
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
mediation, divorce team, peaceful divorce
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Rosemarie Ferrante
Karen Covy: 0:10
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision making so we can discover what keeps us stuck, and more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator, and arbitrator, turned coach, author, and entrepreneur. And now without further ado, let's get on with the show.
With me today, I have the pleasure of speaking with Rosemarie Ferrante. Rosemarie is the family law attorney with over 25 years of experience, focusing exclusively on non-adversarial divorce through mediation and collaborative divorce. As president of the Connecticut Council for Non-Adversarial Divorce, she leads statewide efforts to reduce conflict and improve outcomes for families. Rosemarie also co-founded Divorce Resource Connecticut, offering educational and wellness workshops to support individuals navigating divorce. A graduate of Cornell and Brooklyn Law School, she is an active member of numerous professional organizations and a frequent speaker on the benefits of peaceful divorce solutions. Rosemarie, welcome to the show.
Rosemarie Ferrante:
Thank you, Karen. So nice to see you.
Karen Covy:
It's good to see you again. And I know we've talked um offline, but for the benefit of those who are listening or those who are watching, can you tell me a little bit about your backstory? How did you become so passionate about peaceful divorce, which is not what most lawyers start off being passionate about? So how did you get here?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 1:50
That's right. So I began my career way back in the 90s. And I was a litigator on Long Island, New York, before I moved to Connecticut, where I continued to litigate for a time. It just never really resonated with me. The idea that people who were at one time in love were fighting in court, spending a lot of money, causing a lot of destruction to their families, and not restructuring in a healthy manner, just never sat well with me. So, I was trained in mediation and in the collaborative divorce process. And about 15 years ago, I opened my own firm and I chose not to litigate at all anymore.
Karen Covy: 2:36
Wow. And so how I know you also happened to be divorced as well. How did that, you know, play, how did your personal story play into where you are professionally?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 2:48
Yeah, it's actually interesting because it was right around the time that my marriage was ending that I decided I was going to open my office and transition completely to non-adversarial divorce. So, I learned a thing or two, you know, as much information as I had legally and financially because of my professional background, nobody can prepare you for the emotional devastation that you feel going through a divorce. I had three young children at the time. And while my former spouse and I did it well, I've also learned we could have done things better. And one of the things that I think it's really important for people contemplating divorce to really think about is alignment. You're not going to necessarily agree on everything. And so, mediation collaborative and your team can certainly help you in making the best choices for your family because your agreement is really nothing more than a blueprint for how you're going to live your post-divorce life. And the one thing that I do actually really wish that we would have taken advantage of was emotional support that we could have used with either divorce coaches, certainly a co-parenting counselor, because I think we just kind of put together our parenting plan and we did fine. And our kids are great, but we could have done better had we been more aligned on what our family will look like post-divorce. We weren't really aligned on that. And that caused some bumps along the way of that process from untangling a spousal relationship and building a really good co-parenting relationship. That is not an easy transition. So, I learned, I learned and we all did okay. But you know, there's always room for improvement. And I think it's important for people to really understand who is out there in terms of divorce professionals to help families and the financial and legal, but the emotional as well.
Karen Covy: 4:47
Yeah, the emotional, I mean, as you and I both know, it's the emotions that drive divorce. And what's amazing is that, you know, you did it well. You have a lot of knowledge about divorce because it's your profession, right? And there still were things that you feel like you could have improved upon. And I really hope people take that to heart. Not that it's not that people need help because there's something wrong with them or they're not good enough, or you know, somebody's just trying to make money off of them, which is unfortunately what a lot of people think. But the support really makes a difference, especially the emotional support makes a huge difference in your experience of divorce. And what I hear you saying is even afterwards, in terms of co-parenting, right?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 5:32
Absolutely. You know, I think that um so often people are in such the depths of different emotions at the time that, you know, maybe they've got their therapist or maybe they've got their friends. Um, and so they want to get through that period of uncomfortableness. Nobody likes feeling uncomfortable. And I think in our situation, we wanted to just kind of check the boxes and get through, get through it. Um, but we could have, again, done better. And I think that what many people don't recognize is through a really good mediation or collaborative process, you can actually learn. You can actually learn to communicate with somebody you haven't been communicating with all that well for quite some time and learn how you can do better. And who does that benefit? Not only you emotionally, your children. And again, just that alignment on how are we gonna, you know, do we want to do holidays together? Can we do trips together? Sure, you can put together a parenting plan that addresses that on the surface, but it's really how are we gonna do that? And are we able to do that? So that that emotional support is so much about communication. And whether it's through your mediation, whether it's through a collaborative process, you get that support that's going to really be the infrastructure of how your family is going to look on the other side.
Karen Covy: 6:59
Yeah, I love that. And I love that you've brought up mediation and collaborative divorce because that's something I really want to go into with you. I think it's important for everybody to know what their divorce process choices are, because if you don't understand what the choices are, you can't make a choice, right? You just do whatever your lawyer tells you to do. So let's start with what is mediation?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 7:28
Sure. So, in mediation, um, you and your spouse are working with an unbiased facilitator of the discussions that you have to have. So, when I'm a mediator, when I'm acting as a mediator, although I'm an attorney, I'm not representing either party. I'm not giving legal advice. I'm setting agendas. I'm talking about, I'm helping guide the conversations they need to have with respect to everything related to their family. How are they going to co-parent? What is this going to look like? How are they going to make decisions together as parents? How are they going to share time? And then, of course, all of the financial issues related to the marriage, assets, liabilities, sharing income, supporting two households. So your mediator guides you through those discussions. If your mediator isn't an attorney like myself, we can certainly give some legal information because that's a piece of information. Our goal is to provide information and resources and support so people can make good decisions. And so, part of it is what does the law say in our state? What is the range of what a court could do? We all, you know, caution people. If any lawyer tells you this is what's going to happen, run for the hills because family law is nothing if not gray. And this that's the beauty of mediation. You can formulate agreements that make the most sense for your family. And that's the mediation process. You go step by step, gathering the financials, reviewing them, analyzing them, identifying the issues, and breaking these conversations down in small pieces to ensure everyone has a full understanding before they're ever called on to make decisions.
Karen Covy: 9:17
Right. So, I'd like to, if you could talk to talk to us about what, you know, is mediation this one thing or are there different types of mediation? Because what I've seen, you know, the longer I do this is that the more variations keep popping up of this, that, and the other things. So can you talk a little bit about what kinds of mediation are there?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 9:42
Oh my gosh. Yes. And you know, it's so interesting because we now have new model standards that were just um approved by AFCC with ABA and um APFM. And you're right, as our field evolves, there's mediation that is private mediation between two spouses. And that mediator might have a facilitative approach, might have an evaluative approach. And we could talk a little about that. But then there's people who are litigating and then they mediate with a retired judge. And is that mediation? Is that a settlement conference? You know, we could talk about that. There's mediation that's court required before certain states require people before they start the divorce process in court to go to mediation sessions. And so, what I do is private mediation with two spouses who choose to work with me. Um, the other thing that's important for people to know is you can still have a team in a mediation. I do more and more co-mediations. And so, when people present and they come to me and mediation is appropriate, and I've done assessments and we've had conversations, it might be clear that they need the assistance of a financial neutral. Maybe there's complex financials. Maybe there's one spouse who just isn't as financially savvy. And so, we can bring in a CDFA, a certified divorced financial analyst, and have a co-mediation. So, they're getting the financial support and the legal support from two neutrals.
Karen Covy: 11:24
So, when you do that, the financial advisor is also a neutral. You don't bring them in as representing or assisting one particular party, right?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 11:34
Correct, correct. And you know, and it's really a great way for people to curate the team that they need. Because when we talk about collaborative, there's a full team. And some people might just need a mediator. Some people might need a co-mediation, and it could be the legal neutral mediator and the financial neutral, or maybe they're good on the finances, they don't need that additional support, but they're having a hard time communicating, and they might need the co-parenting counselor or a mental health neutral to help on communication, parenting plans, how to tell the kids, things like that. And so, one of the things I do when I meet with clients is to talk about mediation and collaborative, the pros and cons, how one looks versus another. But then also just what is what do you need? What support does do you need? Because you can, once we, you know, we started the conversation with there are so many wonderful divorce professionals out there, which are the ones that are going to best assist your family. Your family's different than your neighbors, then your sisters, than, you know, your aunts and uncles. And so, we really want to curate that team that's going to help you and your spouse.
Karen Covy: 12:53
Yeah, you mentioned, you know, the differences between mediation and collaborative and what's appropriate for a particular couple or family. Um, so let's talk about that. Let's talk about collaborative divorce, because most people, when they hear that term, they think, oh, I can be collaborative. And as you and I know, there's way more to it than that. So, can you explain to the listeners what is a collaborative divorce?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 13:18
Yeah, I one of my colleagues says, collaborative isn't an adjective, you know, because many, many litigators say, well, I work collaboratively. We're still gonna file with court, we're still gonna go to court dates, but I'm gonna try to settle your case. That's litigation through and through. That's not a collaborative. So, in a true collaborative divorce process, you both spouses have collaboratively trained attorneys. And so that's first and foremost, are they trained in the collaborative process? And Connecticut just passed the Uniform Collaborative Law Act. I think we're the 28th state to have done so. So, you know, there are there are standards for what is a true collaborative process. In that process, although both spouses have lawyers, the meetings are still they're still goal-oriented. They're still presented in ways to achieve both spouses' goals as best can be given their circumstances. So, in addition to the two attorneys, you have a mental health neutral who's there to again help guide the communication, be there when there's bumps in the road. Everyone's coming into this with their emotional, you know, marital dynamic. Um, the mental health professional can lead the discussions related to the children and their particular needs. And then there's the financial neutral who's gathering the financials, again, analyzing them, identifying the issues. And then as we start to develop scenarios for resolution, he or she may be leading those discussions on the financial piece. The one other key about the collaborative process is there's a disqualification clause in your agreement. So, there's a collaborative practice law agreement that sets forth what the roles are of the professionals, what the goals are for the process. These are private meetings, series of meetings to again help people come to agreements after they understand all of their options. But one really key part of that agreement is that if the collaborative process breaks down for any reason, you can't work with these attorneys. They can't file for you in court. And some people say now we've done all that work and we need to start over. I look at it differently. It's, you know, if done well, there's low chances of this process not coming to completion. But also, it's really a way to be sure that your professionals are invested in this process, that they're invested in helping you guide you through these difficult conversations to come to resolutions that make the most sense with you. Not, you know, thinking, well, if it doesn't work out, big deal, I'll represent you in litigation where the big money is. Let's be honest.
Karen Covy: 16:24
Yeah. Yeah. I think that that participation clause in the agreement, which says that all of the professionals withdraw if the couple or either one of them decides to go back to court, that scares a lot of people off, right? Because they think, oh, you know, after we've gone, what if um we've invested six months or a year into this process, we've paid all these professionals, and now the whole thing collapses and I have to start all over again, right? So that scares a lot of people off. But to your point, um, for the right, it's about assessing is this an appropriate case for collaborative on the front end? Because with the right people, that kind of participation agreement actually helps you settle. Because when times are tough, nobody is screaming, I'll see you in court, I'll just take all my marbles and go home, because they know what that'll cost in terms of time and energy and money. So, let's talk a little bit about what is an appropriate collaborative case. Like if you're a you know, a person, you're a couple and you're thinking about divorce, how do you know whether collaborative would be best for you or mediation or maybe even litigation?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 17:45
Yeah.And, you know, you're right, because even litigation, litigation is there for a reason. It exists for, you know, couples that cannot mediate or have a collaborative divorce process, and they exist. You need both mediation and collaborative are voluntary. If both spouses don't agree to this process, what are your options? You know, and before we talk a little about assessments, one thing that I do think is really important, and I know that you've probably even had podcasts on this, is getting people on the same page with understanding the divorce is the next right path for their family. Because dragging someone through the process or being dragged through the process is a recipe for disaster. So, before you even decide on litigation, mediation, or collaborative, are you both in the same place? Have you done that emotional work to get to a place where you can proceed with clarity and respect? And so, discernment counseling, healing separation, there's so much work people do and can do to get to a point where they can say, yes, we both are on the same page. Divorce is nobody's first choice, typically. But having come to that decision to divorce and both being able to say, yes, this is going to make sense for our family, and we can proceed with a real understanding of why we're here and how we want to move forward is such a key to a successful mediation or collaborative.
Karen Covy: 19:20
100%. I mean, in and in both mediation and collaborative, both parties have to agree. I mean, everything except the court process is voluntary. And so that's the first step in evaluating what's going to be appropriate is does your spouse buy in? Because if they don't, it's game over, right? But the other thing that I wanted to ask about collaborative, because you had mentioned the people, the lawyers that say, Oh, I can collaborate as an as a verb, you know, I'm doing it, but not the collaborative process, um, they file in court and they go to court right away. In a true collaborative divorce, when do you go to court? How does that work?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 20:06
Yeah, so that's such a good question because for the lion's share of my mediations and collaboratives, we are not filing until there's a final agreement. And so, once there's a final agreement, and by the time you have that agreement, the spouses know it inside and out because they've come to the decisions, they've worked with their team on refining the language. If they had a good mediation, perhaps they had review counsel involved. So, by the time they sign that agreement, they are 100% invested in that agreement. And so, it's at that time that we also have them file the initial documents to start the divorce action, because again, this is still a legal process. And in Connecticut, now we can file the documents to ask the court to enter judgment on the papers. A lot of states have always had that. Connecticut only has had that since COVID. Before that, you had to go in person.
Karen Covy
Right. Illinois was the same.
Rosemarie Ferrante
Yeah. However, there are many situations where there's an action pending, and then people decide wait, this litigation isn't making so much sense. Can we shift to mediation? Can we shift to collaborative? And then it's really a discussion for the spouses and the team to decide what do we do with this litigation pending while we're having these private sessions. And that's really dependent on a number of different circumstances in terms of whether you withdraw, whether you file something with the court and say, give us some time, um, or what you might do in that regard.
Karen Covy: 21:40
Yeah, I know a lot of people start out litigating and then to your point, halfway through, realize that it doesn't make a lot of sense. So, then they shift gears, put the litigation on hold and go to mediation. But does that happen with a collaborative divorce too? Or do you really have to start from, you know, start with collaborative from the get-go?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 22:02
Yeah. I it does happen. We've had quite a number of times that that's happened here in in Connecticut. Certainly, I've had a number of litigations that turn to collaborative. And so it's still, you know, you gather your team and you still do the same process. They may have done some financials in the litigation. You know, each case is different. And the UCLA does actually address what you do in situations where there is an action pending. Like anything else, it's really about transparency and the team deciding together what we're going to do if there's a litigation pending and the people want to now proceed with collaborative.
Karen Covy: 22:44
Right. But I and I think just to go back to circle back to your earlier point, if people are thinking about doing that, they need lawyers who are trained in the collaborative process. So, I think one impediment to doing that is if you hired the trial lawyer, not a collaborative lawyer, you may have to shift lawyers if you want to shift processes. Whereas that wouldn't be the case with mediation, is that right?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 23:10
Well, correct. So, um if people leave, you know, I guess I'm I guess I'm unclear on what you mean from litigation to mediation.
Karen Covy: 23:19
Yeah, if they're going to go from litigation to collaborative, they need collaborative lawyers. But if they're going to go from litigation to mediation, they don't necessarily have to change lawyers.
Rosemarie Ferrante: 23:29
Well, they could use them as review counsel potentially, but they would still need a mediator. Any mediator would be neutral, so it couldn't be one of the attorneys who was already representing them.
Karen Covy: 23:40
Exactly. Um, so how do people decide? They're starting off the process. They say, okay, we're both on board. We want to stay out of court. How do we choose between mediation and collaborative lawyers?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 23:53
Yeah, thank you. And that kind of goes back to the assessments, right? So, people need to assess what's going to make sense for their family. And the professionals need to be assessing on whether these families are appropriate. And so, you know, the first thing is are they both on board? That's number one in terms of your own family. And many people feel like, well, we don't agree on everything. Mediation won't work. You don't have to agree on everything. That's your mediator's job to help you identify the issues and work through all of the options. I think that people's flexibility and ability to compromise is important. So, think about, you know, your personality, your spouse's personality. Um, think about are you willing to put your trust into these processes? Can you advocate for yourself? Can you, how do you handle difficult conversations? Um, of course, there are bigger issues. Is there any domestic abuse? Is there any substance abuse? Um, and those are things that really matter in terms of whether or not these processes will work. And your team should be assessing for all of those things and being able to really advise on whether your specific circumstances would result in a good, safe process for everybody.
Karen Covy: 25:20
Yeah, I'm so glad you brought up the issue of domestic violence. That was one of the things that I wanted to ask you about. And I know there's a big um discussion among the collaborative community about is collaborative divorce appropriate in cases of domestic violence? And what are your thoughts on that? Do you think that you can have a safe collaborative divorce? Or if if somebody is experiencing domestic violence in their marriage, they should just go to court. What do you think?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 25:53
Well, first of all, court isn't unfortunately always the best place for people who are dealing with domestic abuse. Obviously, there's restraining orders and you know, there's all different sorts of protections that are um available to people. But unfortunately, when it comes to divorce, it's not going. Litigation isn't going to make the process any easier if you're dealing with somebody who's an abuser on any level. Um, so what we've been doing in in Connecticut is exploring whether or not and under what circumstances a collaborative divorce would be successful if there's coercive control, if there's domestic abuse. And the assessments are critical here. And the assessments really need to be done by people who um have expertise in that area. Not every lawyer does. This is where the mental health professionals really become vital. And then ensuring that safety protocols are put in place if needed. So, if the um if there's a proper assessment done and there are protocols put in place, it could work. I think that's as, you know, I think that's as much as I could say because beyond that, it's so dependent on the specific circumstances.
Karen Covy: 27:11
Exactly. But what do you mean when you say protocols? What are you talking about?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 27:15
Yeah, so you know, it's very different. Like I was in an assessment um webinar yesterday given by AFCC on domestic abuse um assessments. And that was specific, parts of it were specific to mediation. And so if there's um domestic abuse that may be verbal and not have been physical versus malignant coercive control, which are by far the most challenging divorces typically, um, you know, there may be protocols about can we mediate via Zoom, not have people in the same room? If there's restraining orders, what do we need to do? Or do we need much more in-depth safety protocols? Um, you know, are there restraining orders? Do people can this be done with shuttle diplomacy, with attorneys? You know, so there's a lot of different options. And gosh, I guess we should probably have a podcast just on that.
Karen Covy: 28:13
Yeah, there's a lot there. And I think for anyone who's listening and thinking, you know, this is me, I'm in the situation, and I am concerned for my own safety, what they have to think about is whatever process they use, if they're going home to their abuser, that it makes any alternative to court, it even court, it makes any process potentially very dangerous. So, working with if you're in a situation, if anyone's listening and they're in that situation, it's so important to have somebody, a domestic violence counselor or coach or somebody who is there who knows what they're talking about, who understands violence and abuse, and can help guide you because you've got to be safe. I mean, I've always said to people, and I'm sure you've said the same thing, it's like your personal safety is your number one priority. You, the safety of your body and your kids.
Rosemarie Ferrante: 29:14
Of course. And you know, the thing that the professionals in a divorce need to know, and I think most do, is that initiating an action is the most dangerous time. And so, partnering with the community programs that are available to people to ensure that there are safety protocols in place. And what does that mean, whether it's physical separation, whether it's, you know, whatever it might mean has to be explored before anybody makes any decisions.
Karen Covy: 29:45
100%. And let's talk about for a moment another topic that you mentioned, which is substance abuse. If you are married to somebody who's got a substance abuse issue, whether that's alcohol, drugs, gambling, no matter what. Would that couple be an appropriate couple for mediation or collaborative divorce? What do you think?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 30:08
I think again, they can be. And so it's really curating the team that's going to assist. And so if you have a co-mediation with a co-parenting counselor, if there are children, or just a mental health professional who's very in tune with whatever substance abuse we're talking about, to make sure that the agreements reflect whatever needs to be reflected in the agreement is important. And certainly, in a collaborative, when you have the full team, you're really ensuring that everybody's needs are met on emotional, legal, and financial.
Karen Covy: 30:43
Yeah, I like staying out of court even in those circumstances because the opportunity for support for everybody is so much greater if you're not in the court system per se. And you can also have much more creative agreements than you can if you are in if you're in the court system. But what's your experience been? What do you find? Is that true or do you find that do you think something else is happening?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 31:15
I completely agree.I think the level of creativity in a mediated or collaborative agreement is off the charts. You know, I mean, coming from even just a family, for example, that work shifts. I think about, you know, a parenting plan that had like a nine-week schedule, which you're not doing in court, right? So, from something like that to something like putting protocols in place with um whether it's sober link or, you know, ways to ensure that people, you know, are being safe with respect to any alcohol issues or drug issues are really important. And it's having these transparent conversations in a safe place where people can really ensure that the needs of the children are met, safety first. Um, with financial betrayal, the financial neutral is ensuring that the person who um who is the victim, I guess I would say, I shouldn't have done that, like of, you know, the financial betrayal understands, has full transparency with what has happened. What are the options with respect to the finances due to that? So, there's a lot more um discussion, there's a lot more transparency, there's good faith negotiation, but there's an exploration of every scenario. And the professional team has to allow for that until we find the options that are going to make the most sense for this family.
Karen Covy: 32:48
Right. It sounds like using an alternative to the court system gives people a much greater chance to um to build in safeguards, not just during the divorce, but moving forward. Because I know some of my clients, one of their biggest fear fears is, you know, they say, I am married to somebody who has a substance abuse issue. What if the kids get into the car with that person and there's a crash? I mean, that they live in fear of that. And to your point, sober link can help, you know, guard against that because the one parent has to, you know, blow into the sober link device and make sure that they're not impaired before they can drive. But it's just it's there's so much more room for creative solutions on an ongoing basis. Um, let me ask you this. What is your experience with people who are divorced going back to court? Is there a difference between people who've gone through mediation or collaborative versus those who have gone through litigation?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 33:54
I wish I could tell you the study, and I can't. But yes, the reason there's less post-divorce issues is because several things have happened. People who are participating in their agreements own their agreements and are more likely to adhere to their agreements, as opposed to a judge entering orders and people not agreeing with them and not feeling any um skin in the game for whatever that decision might have been. So that's the first piece of it. But the second piece of it, and this never ceases to amaze me, I had a call with someone yesterday who had a litigation and was coming to me because there were some post-judgment issues. And I said, What does your dispute resolution provision say? And this person had no idea what I was talking about. And so what we put in, I know every mediated agreement and collaborative agreement I've ever seen is what happens if there's a disagreement? And there's a framework for what people should do, because disagreements happen. And what do we do? So, here's your framework. And then what does the dispute resolution provision say? If there is, you know, through this framework, still a disagreement. Should they go back to the team? Should they hire a mediator? Is there binding arbitration? Whatever it is, there's your answer within your agreement.
Karen Covy: 35:21
So, you don't, you know, for people listening, you don't have to go back to court, or it may even be that you can't go back to court unless you've tried to work things out yourself, which is huge. Um, because going to court, I don't know what, I don't know what the court system in your area is like, but in the Chicago area, it's backed up, it's expensive, it's time-consuming time consuming. Um, it's not a place you want to be if you can avoid it. So let's talk for a minute. Let's switch gears and talk about the Connecticut Council for Non-Adversarial Divorce. What is that? And I know you're president of it. Why? What do you what do you hope to achieve in the organization?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 36:08
Thank you. So, yes, the Connecticut Council for Non-Adversarial Divorce is Connecticut's statewide nonprofit professional organization for family mediators and collaborative divorce professionals. So, we're interdisciplinary. Our members are financial professionals, mental health professionals, and legal professionals, all trained in either mediation or mediation and collaborative. And so, what do we do? Our mission is to A, make sure that our members are trained and have ongoing professional development to keep us at the top of our game always. And then B is to really um spread public awareness. And we do that in a number of different ways. And I'll say, since, you know, I've been president for a year and a half now. Um, in the last five years, particularly through COVID, we've made such great strides in Connecticut with public awareness. People typically seem to know what mediation is. Collaborative is something a lot of people don't understand. So the fact that in the last legislative session and as of October 1st, Connecticut enacted not only the Uniform Collaborative Law Act, but the Uniform Mediation Act is huge. And uh credit to so many of our members who have been just doing this work for eons.
Karen Covy: 37:34
That's amazing. But it what if you're a person that's facing divorce? The organization's interesting, but it doesn't really help you. What if somebody wants to stay out of court and they want to get a divorce and they're in Connecticut, what do they do?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 37:52
Well, they can certainly go to our website because you can vet you can look through our directory. And so one thing that's important for the public is A, we have public facing information on our website, what is mediation, what is collaborative divorce, and then you can go through our directory to see if you're looking for a mediator, if you're looking for a financial neutral, because you know at the very least that they've been vetted and trained. And I think it's really hard for people who are contemplating divorce to know where to start. Where do you start? You might think, I really do want to do mediation. Do I just Google mediators in my area? And by the way, you know, many people say they're mediators. Many people say they're collaborative divorce professionals. Are they trained? Perhaps their website says that. Um, and look, you know, Google's powerful. But at least in Connecticut, you could start with our website for information and for a membership directory.
Karen Covy: 38:55
I love that because getting a vetted professional is so important. And to your point, people don't know where to look. Do they just Google mediator or even divorce lawyer? Because, as you and I both know, not all divorce lawyers are created equal. I mean, you've made a commitment publicly to stay out of court and to not be the litigator anymore. Um, but a lot of lawyers do both. And how do you know if the lawyer you're choosing actually buys into the peaceful divorce resolutions, the non-adversarial options? And it sounds like if they went to your website and they saw a lawyer there, they'd at least have some level of confidence that they're not hiring the biggest shark in town.
Rosemarie Ferrante: 39:40
Correct. And, you know, I always do tell people too, for your listeners who are unsure where to start, you know, you don't want to spend your life doing consultations. But at the same time, especially if you and your spouse are on the same page with looking for a mediator or curating your collaborative team, you can meet with more than one. You know, you're going to ask questions, you're going to get a vibe from people. You know, I tell people when I consult with people who want to mediate, meet with another mediator, meet with two other mediators. Again, you don't want to spend your life, but at the same time, you this is a you want the team who is going to speak your language. And you don't know that from a website necessarily until you meet with somebody. And by the way, isn't it lovely if you've met with Rosemarie and Deb and Jill and you decide you want to work with Jill as a mediator, but Deb and Rosemary would be great review. Now you've got a little bird's eye view into your spouse's review council and can start this process with a sense of comfort that you have put together this team that really is going to guide you in the way that you decided you want your family guided.
Karen Covy: 40:58
What you've just said is so critical because it's your life and that the person going through the process has some agency and they can make decisions is just it's huge. You know, rather than having some lawyer who you really don't know and you've just met, you know, have the lawyer or heaven forbid the judge making decisions for you because the judge knows you and your family even less.
Rosemarie Ferrante: 41:27
Yeah. You're right though. I love that. It's really that's the starting of agency and self-determination, which really is the underpinning of these processes. It's you being in charge of your life, you making the decisions. And if you feel overwhelmed because you don't have the information to make good decisions, that's how you find your team is going to help you gain that information. So, you'll be confident in the decisions you're making.
Karen Covy: 41:52
Yeah, that it's so important. Rosemarie, this has been such a helpful conversation. If somebody wants to find you, if they would like to work with you, where's the best place that they can find you and the council?
Rosemarie Ferrante: 42:06
Great. Thank you. So, my website is divorcemediationct.com. Um, on my website, you'll see my Facebook page, my LinkedIn, my Instagram, the Connecticut Council for Non-Adversarial Divorce. Our website is gooddivorcect.com.
Karen Covy: 42:24
I love that. So, for those of you who are out there listening or watching, if you want to find Rosemarie, um I highly, highly recommend doing that and staying out of court if there, if it's at all possible. Rosemarie, thank you again for sharing all your knowledge. This has been wonderful.
Rosemarie Ferrante:
Thank you so much, Karen.
Karen Covy:
And for those of you who are listening and watching, if you would like to hear more episodes just like this, if you enjoyed today's episode, do me a big favor, give the episode a thumbs up, like, subscribe, and I look forward to talking with you again next time.
