Episode Description - Stop Attracting Unavailable Partners: The Secret To Lasting Love
Have you ever felt deeply misunderstood in relationships, yearning for emotional connection and lasting love but unsure how to create either one? That’s exactly what Valerie Greene, relationship mentor and author of The Commitment Roadmap, tackles in this podcast episode.
Growing up in an intellectual household where her parents often dismissed her feelings, Valerie learned to suppress her naturally empathic nature and to operate from her head rather than her heart. When her first marriage fell apart, Valerie started studying various emotional healing modalities in order to reconnect herself with her feelings. In doing so she learned to express her needs without seeming needy and to attract the emotionally available husband to whom she’s currently married.
Valerie now helps other women to transform their relationships from emotional disconnection to deep intimacy.
In her "MANifest Lasting Love" program she teaches a five-step formula for expressing feelings and needs in ways that inspire rather than alienate potential partners. Through her unique approach to relationships, she guides clients to break free from the cycle of attracting emotionally unavailable partners and instead create the deep, lasting relationships they seek.
Whether you're single, dating, or trying to reignite passion in a long-term relationship, Valerie provides actionable insights into identifying emotional patterns, communicating effectively, and creating the lasting love you long for.
Show Notes
About Valerie
Valerie Greene is a unique relationship mentor, author, and speaker who helps women to inspire their man to fulfill their deepest needs and desires. A highly successful alternative to relationship therapy, Valerie helps women and couples create a secure emotional CONNECTION--not just problem-solving or communication skills.
Valerie holds numerous certifications in coaching, NLP, and emotional healing modalities. She leads workshops, retreats, and online courses for women and couples, and is the creator of the 12-week Man-ifest Lasting Love coaching program and the author of the book “The Commitment Roadmap” which teaches women how to inspire their man to commit to a lifetime of lasting love.
Connect with Valerie
You can connect with Valerie on LinkedIn at Valerie Green and on Facebook at Coach Valerie Greene. And follow Valerie on YouTube at Valerie Greene, on X at Coach Val Greene and on Instagram at Val Greene. To find out more about Valerie’s work visit her website at Coach Valerie Greene.
Free E-Guide
Man-ifest Lasting Love: “How to Easily Inspire Him to Fulfill Your Deepest Desires!”
This guide by relationship coach Valerie Greene unveils the SIMPLE proven system to being irresistible to men, so you can inspire his devotional love, and you feel honored, cherished, and adored.
Here’s what you’ll discover inside the FREE e-guide:
- Discover the biggest mistake most powerful women do that pushes men away, and how to draw him closer instead!
- Activate the ONE simple secret to inspire his love, adoration, and devotion, no matter where your relationship is now!
- Learn the proven system to have your man feel INSPIRED, EXCITED, and DRIVEN to fulfill your deepest desires: mentally, emotionally and physically!
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Valerie
- Valerie Greene is a relationship mentor helping women inspire their partners to fulfill needs and desires, as an alternative to traditional therapy.
- Her upbringing with emotionally reserved parents led her to study healing modalities like nonviolent communication and focusing.
- She teaches that emotional availability involves both feeling emotions and expressing needs without neediness, while validating one's own needs.
- Valerie's five-step communication formula: establish rapport, validate perspective, express feelings, share desires, and ask for thoughts.
- She advises asking men "what do you think" rather than "how do you feel" to encourage better communication.
- People attract partners matching their level of emotional availability; self-awareness is key to attracting emotionally available partners.
- Her "Manifest Lasting Love" program helps women identify childhood patterns and develop skills for healthier relationships.
- For commitment issues, she emphasizes sharing relationship visions rather than just discussing marriage directly.
- She uses her own marriage as an example, showing how addressing concerns about freedom and control led to commitment.
- Her book "The Commitment Roadmap" teaches women to inspire lasting commitment through case studies and practical examples.
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Transcript
Stop Attracting Unavailable Partners: The Secret To Lasting Love
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
commitment, manifesting love, communication
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Valerie Greene
Karen Covy Host
00:10
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach, author and entrepreneur. And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show
With me today, I have the pleasure of speaking with Valerie Greene. Valerie is a unique relationship mentor, author and speaker who helps women to inspire their man to fulfill their deepest needs and desires. A highly successful alternative to relationship therapy. Valerie helps women and couples create a secure emotional connection, not just problem solving or communication skills. Valerie holds numerous certifications in coaching, NLP and emotional healing modalities. She leads workshops, retreats and online courses for women and couples and is the creator of the 12-week Manifest Lasting Love coaching program and the author of the book the Commitment Roadmap, which teaches women how to inspire their man to commit to a lifetime of lasting love. And doesn't that sound amazing? Valerie, welcome to the show.
Valerie Greene Guest
01:43
Thanks, Karen, it's really wonderful to be here, and thanks for that wonderful introduction.
Karen Covy Host
01:48
Oh, it's my pleasure and. I have to tell you I love the title Manifest, like the man in Manifest. I think that's so clever and I want to get into your program in a little bit, but first I'm curious. What drove you or inspired you, or whatever, however you want to put it to become a relationship coach, what, what's your why for doing what you do?
Valerie Greene Guest
02:15
Yeah, thank you so much. Um, I mean, I kind of look at my history is pretty unique, although, you know, from some standpoints it was really normal. I grew up in suburban Long Island to two loving parents and you know so I mean in a middle-class background. So from the surface it's pretty normal. But I've always been incredibly emotionally deep and sensitive and my parents God bless them they were together. They stayed together up until my dad passed a couple years ago. They had a really good relationship for them and for me.
02:51
I always felt lonely and isolated and because I really needed somebody to give me empathy and space holding for my deep emotions and feelings. And my parents were very loving, but they showed their love through actions and they did a lot of wonderful things for me and they taught me a lot of wonderful things, including a lot of great principles about relationships, which is what it was that made their relationship last for the rest of my dad's life. But at the same time, I never really even received empathy, the way I define it, until I met my ex-husband when I was 29. And it was a really funny moment because, you know, he was having a hard day and I was trying to give him advice, because that was my. You know, parents way of solving problems is giving advice and you know, a lot of times they give good advice, you know now. I think advice is good when it's called for, but I had always grown up feeling kind of confused because my dad was a rocket scientist and he taught me to make all decisions from logic. And it's okay to have feelings, but feelings aren't a way to base any decisions on. You know, it's okay to feel that way, but here's what you should do about it or here's how you should analyze it, you know. So that's, that's just how I was raised and you know, that's great. I don't knock that way of thinking. I think it's important component.
04:17
But for me I had to really learn through all of my coaching trainings to make holistic decisions. You know, like balancing the intellect with the emotions, with your intuition, and really learning how to tap into all three. And in my upbringing I'd only really learned one. I was totally disconnected from my intuition. Everyone talked about gut feelings. I was felt really inadequate because I didn't feel my gut feelings.
04:41
I didn't know what that meant. You know cause just a lot of emotional repression and I need to be feeling my feelings in order to feel my gut. And you know, I just was not really aware of my feelings. So when my ex-husband at the time but this was when we were first dating when he had a hard day and he said he needed empathy, I didn't even know what he meant I was just like don't think about it that way, think about it this way instead. You know, which is how I was raised with that your feelings are caused by thoughts, and he actually had to show me what empathy was. You know, like, oh, that must have been really hard for you. What's that like for you to feel that way? You know, what can I do to support you? You know, just really be with the emotions.
Karen Covy Host
05:29
I hate to interrupt you, but how did you all right if you had no idea what empathy even was? How did you break your childhood pattern and start to actually feel it and experience it? Because experiencing feelings, especially for somebody who's not used to doing that, can be pretty scary.
Valerie Greene Guest
05:51
I know I know that's what I'm talking about that I had kind of an unusual upbringing because my dad God bless his heart and his dedication he was really abused as a child and so he vowed to raise me differently than he was raised. And so he read all the parenting books at the time in the seventies, that talked about make sure to validate your kid's emotions. And so my early childhood, like zero to three, I actually do remember. I'm kind of strange because I remember all the way back to. I have memories from when I was one and two and three, um, and I remember him teaching me about emotions and that it's okay to feel that way and you know like this is sadness and this is anger and it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be angry.
06:40
And then when I got older and I started to have a personality, then we mostly just argued. You know it was like he didn't do therapy and you know like his wounding kind of came out. But you know he was always a good person with very good intentions. But so my early childhood I actually do have a very empathic nature. I just suppressed it because I was also bullied, because I was raised very differently than other kids. I wasn't allowed to eat sugar or listen to the same music that other kids listen to, or watch the same TV shows and wear the same clothes. So I was bullied and so I shut down my emotions, starting at around age eight and I just kind of went up into my head and did really well in school and all that. But for my early childhood I remember I was highly empathic.
Karen Covy Host
07:35
Well, how did you then make that reconnection right? Because this sounds like your childhood might have been different, but a lot of people suffer from similar things, where they repress their emotions, they don't give themselves permission to feel so to speak. So how did you make that bridge between thinking and feeling so that you could start to reconnect to all of who you were?
Valerie Greene Guest
08:06
Yeah, and I love that question because I had to actually study a lot of emotional healing modalities, and so that's one of the things that I help my clients with, you know, is to shorten the learning curve for them. I tend to attract a lot of other people who are kind of stuck in their heads and they don't know how to feel their feelings. Cause that was certainly me, and I realized that when I was 30 and I was dating my ex-husband because he was very emotionally available so is my current husband, but you know it's like I would I was attracted really high-quality men, and so it's part of why I like working with single women and, you know, helping them and you know the my, I my. The story with my ex-husband is on my website and he even wrote me a testimonial because the reasons that we didn't work out were just not because we weren't emotionally compatible, but we weren't logistically compatible
09:01
You know we didn't talk about that, but so I first started to realize that I needed to get in touch with my emotions when I was with him and I realized that I didn't really know how to solve arguments other than arguing. And you know, because that was what I learned from my childhood, and so I first I it's funny I first started with two modalities and I later studied a lot of other emotional healing modalities, but the two that I started with were nonviolent communication and a modality called focusing, which I know is not very well known, but it's a kind of mindfulness. Meditation is kind of how I like to call it, and I tried many different types of mindfulness meditation, but this one is about how to be with a felt sense and to get out of your head and to be with, like how you know, because a lot of times when we're confused, it's not just one emotion, it's several emotions and it's several kind of parts of us and we're conflicted, and so it's about how to kind of be with the entire felt sense of an issue.
Karen Covy Host
10:16
So the question that I have is then is it important that you name what you're feeling like oh, I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling anxious or is it more important, especially at the start, just to be with the emotions and say I'm feeling a lot of stuff. I don't even know what it is?
Valerie Greene Guest
10:38
Yeah. So what the research shows and there's many different studies around this is that what's really important is that we what's called to differentiate or disidentify with the feeling. So that's what mindfulness is. It's saying I am noticing something in me that's feeling this way.
Karen Covy Host
11:02
Okay, so are you noticing it? Like, oh, I feel a sensation in my stomach or in my chest or in, like, what is it that you're looking for that you can notice? Because for someone who's not used to saying, connecting with this feeling, with this emotion, how would you even know what it was?
Valerie Greene Guest
11:22
Right, right, um, and that that's a good point. So that's why, um, I love both of those modalities as intro modalities, both non-violent communication actually has a cheat sheet, um of like a whole list of feelings that are actually feelings, um, and they have further distinctions of words that seem like feelings but they're not. Like manipulated is not actually a feeling, it's a thought and it's an accusation. So if I say I feel manipulated to someone, they're going to feel accused and so it's like I feel scared, I feel hurt or you know, hurt is sort of like a gray area, but you know you would say I feel pain if you really don't want it to seem like an accusation. But we're not going to get nitpicky here.
12:11
Feelings are something you can see on someone's face, like sadness, anger, fear, you know even jealousy and envy kind of looks like you can. Kind of it's a combination of emotions, but you know, in addition to joy and happiness and contentment, you know you can see those feelings. You know you want to feel the positive feelings too. I don't want it to seem like it's just about feeling unpleasant feelings. But so if you're more intellectual and you want a cheat sheet because you don't even know what you're feeling, I love the cheat sheet of nonviolent communication. I think it's kind of a misnomer, to be honest, because it was coined in the 1960s during the desegregation movement in the South, which is why the founder called it nonviolent. But even later in his career, Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication, said that he wished he'd called it compassionate communication, because it's so much more. I think, yeah, people like that term. They don't want to think that they're violent if they're studying it, you know.
Karen Covy Host
13:14
Oh yeah, A hundred percent. I think the term compassionate communication would work. I mean, it just sounds like it would work so much better in a marriage or a relationship that doesn't involve physical abuse. When you say nonviolent, I think physical abuse, but you know a word is what a word is. But it sounds like you do a lot to help your clients reconnect with their own emotions. So what my question is how does that help? We're going to talk specifically about a woman. How would that help a woman find the right relationship or be in the right relationship with the right man, instead of choosing someone who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally incompatible or what have you?
Valerie Greene Guest
14:06
Yes, exactly, I love that question. I want to just finish answering the previous question, which is that what the research shows is that it's important to differentiate from the emotion, but you don't have to know exactly what the emotion is. But if you want to know what it is, you can look at the cheat sheet. But if you don't know what it is, it's okay to say I feel a tightness in my chest, I feel a lump in my throat, I feel a gnawing sensation in my stomach, and what the research shows is that that actually helps you to then identify the emotion and then identify what you need. So you don't have to start knowing what it is. I just want people to not think that they need to know and then make themselves wrong if they don't know.
Karen Covy Host
14:48
Thank you for that clarification of the continued explanation, because I think sometimes people, like we all, feel things that we don't know how to name it sometimes.
Valerie Greene Guest
14:59
Exactly, and that's what that modality focusing is about. And it's specifically I know that it's another misnomer because people don't recognize the word focusing as a modality. They're like I'm just not distracted. But it is an actual modality. You can look it up. There's several different, you know types of focusing.
15:22
I prefer Anne Weiser Cornell's version, which she calls inner relationship focusing, and it's about being in relationship with these different parts of us that might feel different things and learning how to resolve inner conflict and, you know, make clearer decisions and feel your intuition. And so that starts with this understanding that a felt sense is more than just an emotion. It's like different parts of us, it's different feelings, it's different emotions, it's different desires and it's learning how to make sense of it. Why should we, um, uh, or why is it beneficial for, let's say, a woman although I think it's also beneficial for men, but I do mostly work with women Um and so, um, the reason why is and you know it's hard to describe this, uh, with the research, but we can kind of intuitively know that it's true that we attract somebody who's about as emotionally available as we are. Yeah, if that makes sense.
Karen Covy Host
16:30
Yeah, of course. I mean it makes perfect sense on an energetic level and on a psychological level. It's like you can't handle something She constantly seems to attract emotionally unavailable men. I hear that all the time from clients. Right, it's the same guy over and over and he just doesn't get me and he can't, he's not in touch with his feelings and blah, blah, blah. How do you break that cycle If you're, if you really want to get involved in a relationship that does connect with you emotionally?
Valerie Greene Guest
17:22
Exactly. And so the way that I first of all like to teach women how to express their emotions because, you know, it's one thing it probably a lot of women are going to say in response to what I just said but I am emotionally available and I do feel my feelings. It's just that I keep attracting these men who are not. And so emotional availability, in my opinion, is not just whether or not we feel our feelings Although of course that's the first step you have to be able to feel your feelings in order to be emotionally available but it's also knowing how to connect to our needs, and that doesn't mean that we're needy, and that's the third step is how to express our needs without being needy, because that's, I think, why we're scared to express our needs in the beginning of a relationship, because we're scared of being needy.
18:17
But then, if we don't express our feelings and needs in the beginning of a relationship, we can't tell whether a guy's emotionally available, and so then we'll get attached to someone who's not, because we don't want to rock the boat, and then by the time we realize he's not, we're already attached. And so it's learning how to express our feelings and desires in the beginning of a relationship and to see if the guy's emotionally available, but if we're expressing our feelings and desires in a way where we're making him wrong, because that's the way that we're taught. To express our feelings is kind of coming from a victim place rather than coming from an empowered place, and so that's kind of like the way that I define emotional availability is not just that we're feeling our feelings, but that we're able to connect to our needs and validate our own needs. And of course, I can explain what that means and give examples.
Karen Covy Host
19:11
Yeah, I would love that. But the question that I, that I have first and maybe this is part of the same question, I don't even know, but is it's like how do you do that? How do you start to express your needs right out of the gate, right in the beginning of the relationship, without coming off as needy? Right, I think that's what women are afraid of.
Valerie Greene Guest
19:35
Right. And so the key distinction in my definition is whether we are in touch with how to meet our own needs first, and that is what it means to be emotionally available to ourself. And if we're emotionally available to ourself, then we'll attract a man who's willing to be emotionally available to us and also express his needs and collaborate, you know, and find these win-win solutions, even if what we need doesn't work for him. And so what that means is, like, you know, I think it makes sense to come up with an example.
20:13
So let's say, you know very common things that happen in the beginning of dating a guy. You know, let's say he asks you out and then he cancels at the last minute, you know. Or he asks you out and maybe we'll take somebody who doesn't, because you know that might be a guy who's not available, period. But a guy who's not emotionally available might show up and he might consistently date you, but let's say the conversation is superficial, right? Or let's say he doesn't call when he says he will. I think that's more common, you know, oh, I'll call you on Wednesday, and then he doesn't.
Karen Covy Host
20:51
Yeah, that makes sense.
Valerie Greene Guest
20:54
And a lot of women think they're expressing their feelings about that, but they're doing so in a way that's making him wrong.
Karen Covy Host
21:02
How can you give me an example?
Valerie Greene Guest
21:04
Yes, exactly, and, trust me, this is what I used to do. So I had to really learn. It's not just the modality of nonviolent communication, but what I call feminine communication, which is expressing your feelings and needs in a solution focused way but you're still expressing them Right Rather than in a kind of victim way. So a victim way would be like you know, the next time that he calls you would be like you know well, why didn't you call yesterday? You said you'd call yesterday and you didn't. You know that's just making him wrong. That's not sharing my feelings.
21:39
I might say I'm angry because you didn't call yesterday. That's still sharing my feelings, but it's still making him wrong, right, um, and so the way. That's why it's important to be emotionally available to ourselves, because I then, if he didn't call on Wednesday, so on Wednesday I would first probably feel scared and then I would feel angry when I realized that he didn't call. But rather than blame him and say I'm angry because he didn't call, um, that's kind of giving my power away. That's being a victim saying I'm angry because he didn't call. I'm not angry because he didn't call, I'm angry because I value integrity.
22:20
You know, integrity is my need. I'm angry because I value you know, because integrity means doing what you say you're going to do. Or I'm angry because I value, you know, connection, and I was really looking forward to connecting with him and maybe he's not available. And then I'm scared that he's not available because I really want partnership and I want really, I really want someone who's available. So it's I'm angry because I not not. I'm angry because you and I know that this is like I statements are communication techniques, because you and I know that this is like I statements are communication techniques. But I'm feeling those feelings in my body and then the way that I connect to my own needs is, I imagine, what does integrity look like? What does it mean to me? Why is it important to me that somebody calls when they said they will? Because that's what's important to communicate to a guy. Okay.
Karen Covy Host
23:12
So let me stop you right there. It's like how do you do that? So it's you don't want to say you know why didn't you call me? Or I'm mad at you because you didn't call me. What's the better way to do that?
Valerie Greene Guest
23:25
Yeah, exactly so. When I work with my clients, I actually give them a five-step formula in order to process their feelings, and you can also call it channeling your feelings. It's feeling the feeling as a sensation in your body so that you can handle it rather than have to react out of it. And then identifying the need and then really connecting to the why of that need why is that important to me and getting clear about that so that then you can imagine kind of giving him the benefit of the doubt but still expressing your feelings so you're not making him wrong. So then when he answers, you know, or when he calls the next day or two days from then, or whenever he does call, I might say you know, hi, how are you doing? And blah, blah, blah, like we'll have a initial connection, of course, and then I'm sure, like that I value integrity or you know, if that's not it for you, I really value um connection.
24:40
And when somebody says that they'll call what you know, and then they call, then then I feel really happy to connect and otherwise I'm kind of anxious, waiting by the phone and I just don't like to feel that way. And so you know, are you okay next time if you text me? If you can't call, how do you, what do you think about that? I always recommend saying what do you think about that Rather than how do you feel about that to a guy, cause feelings are traditionally feminine. Not that guys don't share their feelings, but if you ask a guy how he feels about something, just a lot of times he feels put on the spot, whereas if you ask him what he thinks about something he's likely to share.
Karen Covy Host
25:26
That is such an interesting distinction and I can totally see how that would work, that because the point is, whether you call it thinking or feeling, you want to get some communication going back, but like, why did you do or not do that thing?
Valerie Greene Guest
25:50
The formula that I just used the inner work to process your own feelings is a different five-step formula, but my free gift I call the manifest, lasting life love e-guide. I have that five-step formula that I used to just express my feelings and needs. So the first step is that you just establish this rapport, this connection you don't like make him wrong right off the bat.
26:09
The second step is that you validate his point of view. You know, or that there must be some good reason why he's in that. The third is that you express your feelings. The fourth is that you express your desire and you tell him what that desire provides for you. You know, because men are providers and so if he's the right man for you, he'll care about what your desire is or your need is. I kind of look at need, value, desire as being similar and he'll want to provide it. And that's how you know if a guy's emotionally available is how he responds when you share your feelings and desires without making him wrong. And then the fifth step is that you ask him what he thinks, and so I have that formula in my free gift if you want to post that.
Karen Covy Host
26:51
That's awesome, yeah, and definitely we will put links to the free gift underneath, you know, in the show notes. But I have to ask you, what kind of a response are you looking for that would indicate to you that this guy really is emotionally available, versus not Like what's a good response and what's a not so good response?
Valerie Greene Guest
27:15
Yeah, I mean. So I'm assuming that you've been on a few dates with this guy, because I wouldn't have this conversation if it's like you've only been on one date, you're kind of like just observing what he does, but like, let's say, you've been on three dates and he says he he'll call, and then he doesn't, but he calls a couple days later. So he's kind of investing in you. He's been asking you out if he's the right guy for you, then I would expect him to be like oh gosh, all right, yeah, that makes total sense. I will text next time that I can't Yep that, that, uh, you deserve that, you know. Or like I, I care about that.
Karen Covy Host
27:52
Okay, that makes sense. So if the guy says you know, I assume that if somebody just blows you off or doesn't um acknowledge your need or your feeling or what you just said, that you know, that's something that would be a not so great sign yeah, I mean I call that a pink flag.
Valerie Greene Guest
28:14
I mean because if it's a pattern, I call it a red flag. You know, if he just doesn't call once, like, I don't really call that a red flag. I mean people get busy. But if he responds in a really dismissive way, yeah, you're being controlling. Or you know like, let's say he's like, oh, come on, I called you today. You know like, yeah, he's not emotionally available yeah.
Karen Covy Host
28:40
So let's switch gears a little bit and talk about manifesting lasting love. You talked about it a little bit and your free gift, which is awesome and I recommend that everybody check out go to the show notes, click the link and check it out. But what's that program about and why create it?
Valerie Greene Guest
29:03
Thank you, yeah, so I find I mean, I actually do create custom programs for people, but it's based on this template of 12 sessions and that's just what I find. Whether you're single and you keep attracting the wrong partner, or you're in a relationship and the guy won't commit which is kind of another niche that this falls into, or you're married and the passion died, or you know you're caught in this push, pull of, uh, recurring conflict. I find it takes about, you know, three months or 12 sessions in order to really turn the dynamic around. And so, first of all, there's the inner work, and if you're single, I find a lot of times the inner work if you keep attracting the wrong guy is also going back to your template from childhood, and this is coaching, not therapy, so it's not about dwelling there, but kind of, like I shared, you know, my parents showed their love through actions and through giving advice. That was my template. I thought that's what love was, that I do things for people and I give advice, you know. And so that, unfortunately, is, you know, not going to attract me the kind of partner that I want, just because I want to be the one whose feelings are cherished and adored and who is, you know, more of the feminine energy partner which I can talk about, that where the guy is the one who does things and give you know, gives advice, let's say, and I'm the one who collaborates and who shares my feelings and desires and supports and enhances, like Alison Armstrong talks about Not that I don't have opinions and share them, but it's more in a collaborative way where I share my feelings and my husband holds space for my feelings and helps me figure out what I desire and cherishes my desires. And so I had to learn how to be more feminine energy, um, and express my feelings and channel my feelings so that I can attract a guy that has more masculine energy, um.
31:23
And so it's really about identifying what are the beliefs about love that you inherited from your parents or from your caretakers and what are the skills that you learn about how to create the culture that you want and the relationship that you want. Do you have all the skills that it takes to attract the corollary? Because opposites attract. If I'm more feeling-based, I'll probably attract someone who's more intellectually-based. Is that what I want, or do I want someone more balanced, and then I have to be more balanced. So it's learning how to identify what is the sort of unconscious blueprint that we inherited from childhood and how do we reprogram our beliefs and learn the skills that we need in order to have the kind of culture that we want.
32:09
And so, in addition to learning the outer work of how to vet partners, you know, which we sort of tried to talk about, like it's about you showing up and being really clear about your feelings and desires and learning how to tell if he has the qualities that you want before you get attached. So that's kind of the art of the 12-week program for single women. And then I mean it's similar if you're with someone who doesn't want to commit. It's similar in terms of learning how to really express your vision in a way that's not making him wrong. But that's sort of like inquiring as to whether he wants that too and what is his timeline and what is his desire for the culture that he wants to create, and having those deeper conversations, because that's where I find people are scared to rock the boat. But you have to be able to bring them up in a way that's feminine, not like kind of giving an ultimatum but really being vulnerable about your vision. So it's kind of similar in that niche, if that makes sense.
Karen Covy Host
33:22
Yeah, no, that makes total sense. Having been single for a substantial period of time when I was younger, I know that I had a lot of friends, and I'm thinking of one in particular, who was dating some guy. I don't know if they probably were living together too at that point, but it had been 10, 15 years, something like that. She really wanted to get married and he wouldn't commit. So at that point, like how does somebody you know okay, let's say they clearly didn't do the vetting they should have done in the beginning, but now you're in this situation. How do you figure out whether this person is ever going to commit?
Valerie Greene Guest
34:08
Yeah, I know that's such a good question. I've worked with quite a few clients in that situation and my experience is, you know, sometimes it really works to inspire the person because you just haven't gone deep enough. But sometimes, in sharing because this is the fear, that in sharing your deeper vision, it turns out he doesn't want the same thing. And then you know you have to be willing to leave and so I mean that's the first thing is that people in that situation have to be willing to leave, necessarily, but that you know you're willing to be courageous enough to say not just I want to get married, do you want to get married, but to go deeper in terms of the culture that you want to create and why you want to get married, cause I think a lot of guys are scared of marriage. I mean, you used to be a lawyer, so you understand. It's like people men don't want to get taken advantage of and the legal system still favors women in marriage. When divorce happens, um, and men feel like, you know, they're losing half of their finances and the woman who they love turns really, you know, confrontational, and you know they don't see the reason to get married unless the woman has a culture that she wants to create that's inspiring enough that he knows he can create more in life with her than on his own. And so in my book, the Commitment Roadmap, I talk a lot more about that dynamic and how to really inspire commitment in a man, because it is about, you know, for example, like my husband actually didn't want to get married when we met. So it's I also share my own story in the book, the commitment roadmap, but it was really in helping him see, um why I wanted to get married, which was, first of all, like I see him and understand him better than anyone else ever has.
36:28
Um, and the depth of conversations that we have on a daily basis around you know what was the best part of my day and what am I feeling today and what am I needing, and like if he's in a bad mood, I know exactly what to say in order to help him feel better. And when I'm struggling and I want emotional support, he's so good at holding space for me. It's just I just feel so held. I mean, of course, if I express it in a way that's not making him wrong, because he has a lot of triggers against that. So if I make him wrong, then we're arguing. So that's another way that I support couples if they're stuck in recurring conflict is learning how to be vulnerable with each other instead and collaborate and find those win-win solutions.
37:15
And him to support my purpose and what it really feels like to wake up in the morning and create the day together and, like you know, have these rituals together that make us feel really close. And when I was able to share that vision with him, he kind of came around and was like you know what I am warming up to the idea of marriage. I feel like this is something that makes me really happy. And you know I want to be able to wake up and look at you every morning and feel excited about the day together, and I know that you're not going to be happy if we're just living together without marriage, because that's not going to make you feel secure enough, and you know. So I was able to communicate all that to him in a vulnerable way, not a victim vulnerable way, but like in a way where I'm sharing what's important to me and so, and then, of course, asking him what his blocks are and collaborating.
38:23
So you know, for him he really was scared of losing his freedom because he'd been with women in the past where as soon as he actually was engaged in the past and it didn't feel right to him and he wound up breaking it off and he didn't even know why at the time. He actually didn't know why he had already been broken up and had had a rebound relationship before he met me.
38:45
But I helped him to understand why he didn't feel right with her and it's just ways that, um, they couldn't collaborate and he was so, um, attached to always finding this win-win that he never felt controlled, that I was never going to try to take away his freedom and force him to do things my way, cause he did feel like that sometimes in the past and he to see over time that I wasn't going to control him and I was always going to like win, win or no deal, basically, and it takes sometimes, you know, like, as you know, uh, not just one conversation, but sometimes several conversations, sometimes several weeks, sometimes months, to like come up with that win-win solution to a complicated issue, and he wanted to know that I was going to be there, not to throw him under the bus, to get my way, you know, and I needed to demonstrate that over time in order for him to really feel comfortable.
39:48
And so it's equally about being vulnerable about our feelings and needs and vision and culture and what that provides for us and, of course, being willing to leave if he doesn't want the same thing after we communicate it in a really inspiring way, but then also figuring out what it is that he is concerned about and kind of demonstrating the opposite. And so I explain all of that in the commitment roadmap, with examples and case studies and whatnot.
Karen Covy Host
40:21
You know this. It sounds like a book well worth reading and I really. I could keep talking forever, but in the interest of your time and the listeners time, if people want to learn more about you, I mean we're going to link everything into the show notes, but if they want to learn more about you, your work, um, get your book. Where's the best place for them to find?
Valerie Greene Guest
40:43
you. Thank you, yeah, so my website is www.coachvaleriegreene.com, so that's C-O-A-C-H-V-A-L-E-R-I-E-G-R-E-E-N-E.com, and there is a link to the book on, you know, in the menus, cause I it's funny I am I did hire an editor to publish it more widely, but it been uh, published on my website since 2018 as an ebook, um, and you know it's awesome, quite a number of copies that way, and so it's like I'm not really uh, I'm kind of the bottleneck. I have to read through the manuscript of the second edition before I publish it more widely, but it's, it's been out for about five years and wait eight, seven years at this point.
Karen Covy Host
41:33
I know Time flies, but I really encourage anyone who is watching or listening if this has resonated with you at all, go to Valerie's website, get the book you know, learn more about her work. There's a ton of stuff on the website, I'm sure, for people. So, Valerie, thank you so much for coming and for sharing your wisdom.
Valerie Greene Guest
41:56
Yeah, well, likewise, I love your questions, and this has been really fun.
Karen Covy Host
42:00
Awesome, Thank you. Okay, and for those of you watching, for those of you who are listening, if you enjoyed today's episode, if you want to hear more episodes like this, do me a big favor. Give this a thumbs up like. Subscribe to the podcast, subscribe to the YouTube channel. All of it makes a big difference in how we can, you know, what we can communicate, moving forward, and how big the channel gets the bigger the guests get. I mean not necessarily physically, but they get bigger so anyways, with that, thank you all so much.
I look forward to talking with you again next time.
