Episode Description - Navigating Post-Divorce Dating with Love Expert Laurie Gerber
What if the secret to successful post-divorce dating isn't about perfecting your dating profile, but about understanding the three crucial criteria that most people completely ignore?
In this podcast episode, love coach Laurie Gerber reveals her revolutionary "3-H method" that has helped countless women over 50 navigate the treacherous waters of modern dating. As someone who saved her own marriage from the brink of divorce (now 26 years strong) before becoming a professional coach, Laurie brings unique insight to relationship challenges.
Laurie and I dive deeply into WHEN and HOW you should start dating again after divorce [SPOILER ALERT: It's not when you think!]. We also talk about how to avoid the most common pitfalls that will keep you stuck in dating limbo.
Finally, we discuss how to navigate the modern maze of online dating and how to master the progression from digital banter to video chats to live dates.
This episode is full of helpful tips and down-to-earth advice that will leave you feeling empowered to dive back into the dating world with confidence. As Laurie says, it’s never too late to find love … but only if you start by doing your own inner work first.
Show Notes
About Laurie
Laurie Gerber is one of the most engaging and effective life coaches and presenters in the country.
After holding several positions at Handel Group® over the last 20 years, including President of HG Life, Laurie is currently licensing The Handel Method® and running Laurie Gerber Coaching, Inc. focusing on LOVE coaching.
Laurie has appeared on the Today Show, Dr, Phil, MTV and A & E and been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and many more.
She has been presenting to and coaching individuals, couples, and groups, with a wide range of partners including: the dating sites above, General Assembly, She Tribe, BeSocialChange, IvyConnect, Ellevate, and many more. She has appeared on television shows, podcasts, radio shows, and all over the internet. Check out “The Secret-Free Diet”, her TedX talk on the power of truth telling.
When not working from her NYC townhouse, she’s meditating, jogging, or attempting to get cuddles from her 10, 20 and 22-year old kids and husband of 26 years.
Connect with Laurie
You can connect with Laurie on LinkedIn at Laurie Gerber and on Facebook at Laurie Gerber. You can follow Laurie on Instagram @lauriegerber_coach, on TikTok at lauriegerber_coach and on YouTube at @lauriegerbercoach. To find out more about Laurie’s work visit her website at Laurie Gerber and for more of Laurie's dating resources check out her FREE webinar:
"3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments"
Key Takeaways From This Episode with Laurie
- Laurie Gerber is a life coach specializing in love and relationships, with 20+ years of experience at Handel Group before starting her own practice.
- Her journey began as a coaching client seeking business help, but she was challenged to first address her struggling marriage, which she ultimately saved.
- Key marriage lesson: intimacy and communication are critical—lack of sex equals just friendship, and failure to listen leads to silence.
- She focuses on helping women over 50 re-enter the dating world after divorce, loss, or long-term singlehood.
- A major principle is accountability: readiness for dating means being able to tell a balanced, honest story of past relationships without only blaming the other person.
- She uses the “3-H Method” (Head, Heart, Hoo-Ha) to evaluate compatibility: practicality, emotional connection, and attraction/chemistry—each should be at least 8/10.
- She warns against jumping into online dating too soon—likening it to swimming without knowing how; readiness, clarity, and understanding the platforms are key.
- Recommends a structured dating process: profile setup, banter (1–2 weeks), video chat to confirm authenticity/chemistry, then short first dates before progressing further.
- Provides resources like a free webinar on the 3-H method and a quiz identifying 34 common obstacles to finding love, available at lauriegerber.com.
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Transcript
Navigating Post-Divorce Dating with Love Expert Laurie Gerber
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
love coaching, dating readiness, online dating
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy, Laurie Gerber
Speaker Names
Karen Covy Host
00:10
Hello and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach, author and entrepreneur. And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show.
With me today I have the pleasure of speaking with Laurie Gerber, and Laurie is a life coach who's the resident love expert at Match Zuzk, j-date and many more. She's appeared on the Today Show, Dr Phil, MTV and A&E. She's appeared on television shows, podcasts, radio shows and all over the internet, and she's given a TED Talk on the power of truth-telling.
01:08
After holding several positions at Handel Group over the last 20 years, including president of HG Life, Laurie is currently licensing the Handel Method and running Laurie Gerber Coaching Inc. Focusing on love coaching. When not working, from her New York City townhouse, Laurie is meditating, jogging or attempting to get cuddles from her 10, 20, and 22-year-old kids and husband of 26 years. Laurie, welcome to the show.
Laurie Gerber Guest
Great to be here, thank you.
Karen Covy Host
Well, I have to tell you, someone who has been married for 26 years, I would say, knows a thing or two about love, just guessing.
Laurie Gerber Guest
01:40
I mean that's why they put me in front of those audiences. When I was working for Handel Group, I was the one coach that kind of could speak to dating and marriage and a near-divorce experience and saving my marriage and keeping it hot and all the things. So that's how I got to be focused on love.
01:58
That makes so much sense and, if you don't mind, let's start with. How did you get into this? What brought you to love coaching?
Laurie Gerber Guest
02:09
Yeah Well, I started my career in coaching as a client, looking for help with my business because I, like you, was an entrepreneur. I hired a life coach named Lauren Handel Zander, who owned the Handel Group and came up with this coaching method called the Handel Method, and I asked her to help me in my business. She took one look at my marriage and she said are you sure you want to focus on your business first? You're going to tank your marriage. If I were you, I would get your foundation situated before starting to dream in your career, because you're about to become very destabilized if you continue the way you're going. I was shocked. My mouth fell far down, but she was so bold and so honest. I couldn't help but believe her and see what she meant by that. And in fact, my husband was very dissatisfied and angry at me and was threatening divorce. I wasn't taking it seriously or thinking anything could change, but she boom, woke me up that I could change and things could change. And thank goodness because I did end up. I didn't want to lose my marriage. That wasn't my goal, so I turned that around and then I ended up starting to work for her because I love the methodology.
03:21
You know was an executive and helped run that company for many, many years until fast forward to perimenopause and just rethinking everything and needing to care for my parents, et cetera. I struck off on my own, still licensing that method, and then the marketers all said I had to pick a niche, like what do you like doing the best? I said I love, I really love women over 50 and the whole getting back into dating after divorce or losing your partner, or maybe even if you were never with somebody. I love that. I love that niche. It's fun for me. It's just such a special, it's a special moment in time and that's where I most want to help.
Karen Covy Host
03:59
That's awesome. But if, if you don't mind, I'd like to go back a little bit because I'm fascinated. I guess it's just the nature of the work that I do. But how did you turn your marriage around?
Laurie Gerber Guest
04:12
Oh, okay, I'm going to try to encapsulate it, since it's not the topic we came to speak of I know.
Karen Covy Host
04:17
Sorry, I can't help myself.
Laurie Gerber Guest
04:19
I heard that and I got to ask it's honestly a great story. So in my comprehensive intake for coaching which is still how I do it with clients when I coach them, I had to reveal that I was no longer having sex with my husband and that we were just basically tolerating each other, arguing, co-parenting. We had two little kids. At the time, we were both running businesses, it was very chaotic and we had checked all the looks good on paper boxes, but we were not communicating, we were not intimate and I and it turned out I really didn't know why my husband was that upset until I sat down and said hey, listen, I actually want to have a connected, deep and intimate relationship. And he said well, you've literally never listened to what I have to say for the whole story.
05:07
Like you cut me off after two or three sentences and I stopped trying to talk to you years ago, which was the next time my jaw dropped and I was like, oh, I mean, truly, I thought I was helping. Every time I interrupted him, I was like I'm getting you to your point faster, what's the problem? So that was those two things, that a marriage without sex is just a friendship, and if you don't listen, they stop talking. Those were such revelations to me and I didn't want to be that girl. I didn't want a friendship with my co-parents and I didn't want. I mean, I had a friendship. I didn't want a friendship only and I didn't believe in not listening. I was teaching it. So I changed and I never went back.
Karen Covy Host
05:56
I love that story. You're right, it's an awesome story. But you know, what I love the most about it was that you said I changed. Like you didn't spend months or years, or who knows how long, trying to change your husband which never goes well, you and I both know but that you started with yourself and that turned everything around.
Laurie Gerber Guest
06:17
Did. It's such good news because that's what you can control.
Karen Covy Host
06:20
A hundred percent. But I'm curious too when you changed, did he then change? Or how did that work?
Laurie Gerber Guest
06:29
Of course, Karen, because that is how it works. You can't just watch someone take accountability and transform and become a new and better person and not want to join in the fun.
Karen Covy Host
06:48
Yeah, that's awesome and that. I know that's not what we're supposed to be talking about here, but I just couldn't help myself because so many people are caught in a similar situation and they really want to turn it around. I mean, look, I don't, I don't know that I've ever met anybody who, right out of the gate, is going, yeah, let's get a divorce, this is going to be great, I'll have fun. I mean, that's not what it's about, right? So if somebody can save their marriage, that's what they want to do. And you're like walking, talking, living proof that it can happen.
Laurie Gerber Guest
07:17
There are certain and maybe we should do a different conversation on this, but there are certain factors that need to be in place for it to be possible, and I've coached many, many, many, many couples either towards an amicable breakup or saving their marriage. So I can speak from professional experience as well as personal. It's not always fixable, but it often is, and the smartest place to start is with what you can change, because that's just the right sequence, that's just the right order of things.
Karen Covy Host
07:45
And it's the only thing you really have any power over, right? But it's not the place that most people start. That's why I was so. I couldn't let this go. I had to dig a little bit. But it also leads to the whole love coaching and relationship coaching and dating, whether that's during or after divorce, and we'll get into that in a minute. But you know, when do you think somebody should think about dating? Is it while they're going through the divorce process Afterwards? How long afterwards? What do they have to do? I mean, when do they know? I should do this or I can do this.
Laurie Gerber Guest
08:25
Right, I mean, let me first just say the concept of taking personal responsibility and being able to own your side of the street is so absolutely crucial to dating and to segue into the conversation of when you're ready, when you can tell an honest story of your breakup, with your own accountability of what happened, without just completely only blaming the other person. I'm not saying the other person didn't have a part. They did, of course they did. In fact, even in the most abusive situations you can still own choosing it. But yeah, I mean, there are degrees of blame and degrees of criminality. But one of my readiness factors I look for in the women I coach is can you tell a balanced, honest, self-loving but responsible story of your breakup?
Karen Covy Host
09:15
What would that look like? Can you give me an example?
Laurie Gerber Guest
09:18
I mean totally made up, but Sure, sure, I'm actually coaching someone through it right now. Your dad and I loved each other. We were great partners. We wanted a family really badly and we oh sorry, this is as if you're telling your child, but you would sorry changed my mindset to I'm on a date. I love this person. I met him young. We wanted a family. We did that and then our needs and ability to meet each other's needs changed and grew apart and I was really interested in doing a lot of growth and work on myself and introspection. And he really didn't. He wasn't interested, he wasn't into that. And so I finally said you know, it's probably best for both of us to just it's okay. You know, the kids are going to be okay, we're going to be okay, we're still very good friends, but we were just no longer a compatible match for the kind of growth I was looking for and we weren't attracted to each other anymore. Frankly, because of that.
Karen Covy Host
10:13
Okay, so to get to that point where you can tell a story without the story of the demise of your marriage, without getting caught up in the emotion of it, which is not easy to do, it's traumatic for a lot of people it is, and there has to be, a certain amount of time that goes by. I don't think anybody can do that right out of the gate, agreed, but it's also about more than time, I would think. So what does it take to get to that point?
Laurie Gerber Guest
10:47
Well, I mean, I bet you know. But I think one of the first things I do with again with my daters, who are on the bench and they're kind of questioning, am I ready, am I ready? Is I make them do a relationship history exercise where they chart all their past relationships, not just their marriage, and say what was great, what was not great, what attracted to me, what broke us up, and I have them rate it on a head, heart and hoo-ha criteria. So head, how sensible was it? Heart, how did it feel? And hoo-ha, how was the attraction?
11:20
And so there's this very black and white sort of analysis that we can then do to what are your patterns? What do you sell out on? Because we can talk about, we can zoom in on any one trauma, drama, or we can zoom out and go okay, let's, in fact let's go even to your parents and see I take a spiritual perspective Like the soul is here to evolve something. We're here to figure something out. We don't want our kids to have the same issues we have. So let's just take a closer look at what are the patterns here and define them, so to lovingly and fearlessly start to take a look at your family history and your personal history with love. That's one of the steps and it's not. I mean, I just wish I could shout this from the rooftops there's not a million kinds of mistakes humans make, right? They sell out for hoo-ha, they sell out for head, they sell out for heart, right? And there's not a million variations of how people are dysfunctional in choosing their love mates.
Karen Covy Host
Well, what do you mean when you say sellout?
Laurie Gerber Guest
I mean, okay, thank you for asking that's a great question, and this also just segues beautifully into what you need to figure out. If you're ready to date or not is in your highest consciousness. You have your criteria for your head, your criteria for your heart and your criteria for your hoo-ha, and, if you're a man, your heat, whatever you want to call that H, whatever turns you on. So your criteria for head are things like do we want the same things? Do we want to spend the kind of time together? Do we want the same activities? Do we orient towards our families in ways that would combine well? Do our dreams intersect in ways that don't make them mutually exclusive? Is the money going to work out okay? Are there health issues that are going to create a huge problem? So the head is practical, Then the heart is all about how it feels.
13:22
And the heart is a wild card because you could really find out you care about something you didn't know you cared about, like the way they make you laugh or the way they look at you or the way they treat your mother or the way they treat their kids.
13:37
The heart is a little less black and white about what it likes, but it likes what it likes and it knows when it feels safe and trusting and like you found someone that you want to be best friends with and you want to care for and have them care for you.
13:52
And then the hoo-ha is attraction and chemistry and again that can be a wild card too. People think they know their type and 50% of the time they end up picking something they didn't think was their type and being very happy and attracted. So when I say sell out, I mean most of us don't think we can have all three. We pick one or two out of the three and sell out the third because we think it's a pie of a hundred percent and if you get 70% hoo-ha, you only have 30% left over for head and heart and my methodology, the 3-H method, which is part of the Handel method, is 100%, 100%, 100%, 100%, head, 100%, heart, 100% hoo-ha. And you're going for an 8 out of 10 in each, not making them compete, actually giving them each their own voice and giving each voice validity.
Karen Covy Host
14:43
Interesting. So would you say? I take it from what you're saying that if that level of attraction isn't there, that it's not going to work, or is there something you can do to up the attraction level?
Laurie Gerber Guest
14:58
Great question. So let's say you love and feel cared for by this person and it looks good on paper, your lives would mesh. You want the same things but the. I don't even let you go from a video date to a live date unless the attraction's at a six or above, right. So if it's a two, ah sorry, right. But if it's a six, which a six is kind of like, I don't know, leaning towards no, but it's still, I I don't know, I need to see this person. How they act, how they, maybe if they lost 20 pounds, maybe if they shaved that beard or grew a beard, you know, so, so, so getting you from a six to eight is the is fun, right, and I really have had women. I just I think I just celebrated two years with one of my 50 plus women with her boyfriend, who she adores, and when we met him and when we started, she was at a nine, nine, seven in hoo-ha, right, and we were like, oh dear, we might like let's not give up right away, right. And so she made a list of all of her concerns and they really kind of boiled down to how he dressed right. And this was a guy. At the time he was not yet divorced, he had teenage daughters and he was a beautiful body, cute face, you know like a lots to recommend him. And so I just got her to work up the courage to be like so, John, we'll call him. I'm really digging you. I think you're great. I'm attracted to you. I think we have a lot in common. I'm looking for my one. I know you are too. How would you feel about me doing a little clothing makeover on you? Like, would you be up for that? Because you know your wardrobe's pretty nineties Like. It just hasn't been up, it just hasn't been updated. And I love fashion and I'm into it and I I want to go out with you and be proud of how we look. And he just said you know, thank God. Like, thank God you came along right, Because my kids make fun of me. I have no taste in clothing. I don't know what to do. I'm just trying to get something on my body to leave the house. Of course I need this help. It would. I would love to please you in this way. Let's set a budget. Let's pick some places and, yeah, style me, you could be my stylist, I'm happy. So that's just the one example of hoo-ha can go up.
17:31
I have other stories where, if you tell the truth I mean the first thing that my husband said to me on our first date. He said can we brush our teeth before we kiss? He basically said you know, your breath stinks, and it did Like I was eating garlic that day. So he just he gave me a hoo-ha note on the first date and in that moment I was like mortified, but I brushed my teeth. We had a great first kiss and now it's 30 plus years together. So my point is, if you're brave enough to admit if your hoo-ha is only a six, seven and ask for I have another one.
18:11
Another story, should I tell one more?
Karen Covy Host
18:12
Yeah, please.
Laurie Gerber Guest
18:13
So one more story about the woman who really cared about her guy being healthy and fit and he wasn't and she liked everything else about him.
18:25
But then at the you know we say you get about three dates to figure this out, and so on the third day we made her work, up the courage to do this design conversation which says look, I just really I'm into my own health.
18:39
I find health and, you know, strong body attractive and that's what I'm into and I'm concerned if we ended up together I would be judging you for that, or just, you know, it would concern me on a health level and you know, I just that's my taste. My taste is just a little more, you know, firm and toned, right, you have to say it in just the right way. And he said I was in a car accident and I've been off my workout routine and I'm just cleared by the doctor to get back, but normally this is how I look. And he pulled out a. He pulled out a picture which was like oh, why didn't you say so? And then proceeded to you know, become that person again. So these are the good stories, right? There are some stories where you can't get the hoo-ha up to an eight or above, and then that's not your person.
Karen Covy Host
19:30
Well, and how do you deal with that? Because I always thought I mean, I dated for a very long time before I found my husband and what I found to be true is that if the chemistry wasn't there, and it might not be something that you could put your finger on and say you're dressing like a schlub, or you know, it's this or it's that, it's there, was just that like it wasn't there. And sometimes, and you try so blooming hard you know, and that can go either way.
Laurie Gerber Guest
20:01
So you can change what you can change. But I had another client who did not like the way her partner smelled and they tried to change it. They tried eating differently and mouthwash, they tried things, but she couldn't shake it and that smell was triggering for her and she ended up breaking up with him. So I think that can go both ways and it's important to consider chemistry can grow. We have so many stories about how someone treats you and how someone behaves, makes them sexier and gets them to an eight or above. Conversely, you can make all the changes and it's just. It's just. You just don't feel it Because there is something about hoo-ha that's pheromonal, hormonal and maybe something that happened before you turned 18. You know, I don't know To me, I feel like I was scarred by some of the movies of my childhood, but you know. So some things you can change and some things you can't.
Karen Covy Host
20:56
But you know, and the other thing would you say it could also go the other way. Like you have a certain level of attraction to someone that's, you know, really amazing in the beginning, but the way they treat you or what happens, makes you go yeah.
Laurie Gerber Guest
21:23
In fact, the very most attractive guys I ever dated, I lost attraction within weeks because the head and the heart were not there. So it just, you know height, hair color, eye color, facial bone structure. Those are, you know, 12% of the story.
Karen Covy Host
21:34
Yeah. So let's talk about something you brushed on a little bit about. You know, when you start dating, like this guy in one of the stories, he was still legally married. I mean, how do you feel about that? When should people get back on the horse, so to speak?
Laurie Gerber Guest
21:53
It's obviously an individual choice. I don't have a moral issue with dating while you're still married, unless you do or unless that's going to get you in trouble in your divorce proceedings, which it definitely can. You'd know more about that. But I don't think you should find the last love of your life, your long-term companion, while you're still married. Preferably, many people do. I think the exception proves the rule. It is possible to find that love of your life during that period, but I don't think it's smart to look for it.
Karen Covy Host
22:26
Yeah, I, 100% on the same page. I mean, again, circumstances dictate personal preference and personality and all the things play a role. But for most people, dating while you are still married just complicates the devil out of your divorce. It confuses your kids, it complicates the legal proceedings, or it can, and here's the problem you don't know if it's going to until you do it and everything explodes. And then you go oh guess I shouldn't have done that, right, right, so I always I'm not a fan of dating before you're legally divorced. But that having been said, sometimes divorces drag on. For years.
Laurie Gerber Guest
23:14
Yes, that's right, and those are the exceptions where I don't think you're supposed to sit on the bench forever. But I also I want to throw in one more, you know factor to consider, which is that if you are looking for the long term love of your life which I don't recommend after you get a divorce I recommend you actually see the world right and get your groove back and have fun and learn and try different things. I mean, that's what you've been sheltered from for all the years that you were married.
23:41
So I don't recommend looking for the last love of your life while you're having a divorce or even directly after your divorce, depending on how long it takes, but when you are ready again to look for that love of your life, your long-term committed partner, you want someone who's also looking for someone single. Most people would like to be with a single person if they're looking for their long-term committed partner. So who are you attracting if you're not?
Karen Covy Host
24:09
That's a very good point. I had not thought of that, but you make a really good point.
Laurie Gerber Guest
24:14
I think very deeply about these things. I just say like the love of your life is looking for you when you're available. Right, the love of your life doesn't want you unavailable because you're in the middle of drama, because you're still totally enmeshed with this other person, because you're still heartbroken and angry because you're still married. That's the love of your life once you free and available.
Karen Covy Host
24:38
Yeah, yeah, that makes all the sense in the world, but talk to me about, because I know you work a lot with. Well, you work exclusively with women, right, or?
Laurie Gerber Guest
24:47
I mean. The truth, Karen, is I work with everybody, but my niche quote unquote my marketing is geared towards women over 50, but I've been work with everybody, all genders, all ages, all everything for over 20 years.
Karen Covy Host
25:01
Okay, well, let's talk about the biggest mistake that you see your clients making, male or female, whoever they are, no matter what their age, but the biggest mistake they make that keeps them from their happily ever after.
Laurie Gerber Guest
25:16
Oh my gosh, this is just killed Again, shouting from the rooftops Don't dive into online dating before you're ready. It really is like jumping into the pool when you don't know how to swim. Maybe you'll figure it out and maybe you'll survive, and maybe you'll even enjoy it, but 90% of the time you're going to have a near drowning experience and not like the water anymore. And that analogy is so real.
Karen Covy Host
25:41
Okay, so what? What does it mean to be ready for it or under, like? What's the big deal about online dating? What do you need to know?
Laurie Gerber Guest
25:48
So many things. I have a whole course about this, Karen. I'm going to try to summarize, okay. So first you are actually resolved and at peace about your breakup, unless you're going for casual, in which case you will signal on your profile just looking for casual, fun activity partners. Okay, that's fine. You don't have to be totally resolved in that situation. But if you're looking for the long-term love of your life, you feel resolved, you have a good story, you understand your past mistakes. You kind of know what your patterns are, your friends are holding you to account to not pick that way again, all that. And then you understand what you're looking for head, heart and hoo-ha. And I have a whole exercise for that. Of course, it's actually in my free webinar, so anybody can do that exercise to articulate what you want. And then you have to learn about dating sites. If you've never been on dating sites or apps, if you've been out of the game for 20 or more years, you don't know how to do the digital version of dating.
Karen Covy Host
26:47
So what's so hard about that?
Laurie Gerber Guest
26:49
Well, it depends. If you love technology, it might be so fun for you, it really might be. But if you don't feel savvy with your thumbs and you don't like looking at a screen or a phone and you've never had to fill out a prompt before, or you get overwhelmed by that, there are 50 choices and more every day of which site should I choose, what should I buy, what features do I need, et cetera, et cetera. So that is a whole decision-making process that I think is smoother when you have coaching, smoother to pick and then to do the prompts and create the profile.
Karen Covy Host
27:28
Okay, so let's talk about because it's been a minute since I've been on the market and online dating was in its infancy when I met my husband, right, so I have a little experience, but very little, and so what I'm curious about is how do you know which site you should be on or shouldn't be on? Because it seems to me and I know like I'm shooting from the hip here, I don't know a whole lot about this, but it seems to me that some of them are for you're looking for a serious relationship. Some of them are you're just looking for a hookup. Some of them, maybe some of them skew older or this or that. Like how do you figure out what you want?
Laurie Gerber Guest
28:12
Right, and, by the way, depending on when you listen to this recording, things will have changed because it's such a fast moving industry, because so many millions of people are single, looking for love and using technology to do it. So, don't you know? I'm going to give you broad strokes. The kinds of criteria you will look at are just like with dating head, heart and hoo-ha Right. Which sites are you attracted to Like? Go onto the websites and see which ones you just are attracted to. You like what they look like.
28:41
That is literally a criteria to pick the dating site for you. Heart, which ones make you feel good? So some sites are all about pictures and some sites go all the way to not only in-depth prompts but all the way to a matching algorithm where they're actually trying to matchmake for you, not just present their wares. And then the last thing is user friendliness. That's head, right. Do you like the price? Do you like the interface?
29:07
There are some apps you can only do on your phone. I could never do that. I need to see a screen. It's too small for me, no matter what glasses I use. So those are the head-heart criteria factors that you need to weigh in picking the site for you. I will just say I have seen people have a lot of success with Match, with Bumble, with Hinge the big sites that have a lot of people that have a lot of experience. There are downsides to all of them. I have a 36-page document in my paid digital course that explains the pros and cons of each one, and again, it's outdated today. But it's a shopping process just like dating to find the ones that are right for you. Good news you only need one or two, and if you end up don't like them, you move on to another one or two. And there's so many.
Karen Covy Host
30:01
Well, that was going to be my question how many should you be on at any one given time? One or two?
Laurie Gerber Guest
30:07
One or two. We're trying to decrease dating fatigue and increase enjoyment of the process. So one or two and you're spending an hour a day, either early morning or in the evening, if you're serious. If you're not serious, you don't need to do that.
Karen Covy Host
30:20
Okay, so you're going to spend an hour a day swiping, or does that hour include messaging with somebody, maybe getting on a Zoom call, going for a coffee, blah, blah, blah. What do you do?
Laurie Gerber Guest
30:35
The hour a day is to fill your pipeline and it's for what I call. It's for acknowledging interest bantering, which is the one to two weeks of texting back and forth and then video chats to see if there's chemistry Once you move into actually getting to live dates. One hour a day doesn't work. It needs to be two or three dates a week.
Karen Covy Host
30:55
Right, makes sense. Okay, so is that the progression that you recommend that people go through? It's like the swiping, the bantering, a video chat and then a live date. When they start live dating, do you recommend coffee just for a drink you know a drink or dinner, or like how do you get into the live dating sequence?
Laurie Gerber Guest
31:15
Again I have so much content on these wonderful topics. But to summarize coffee, tea, smoothie, possibly a drink if you must, but just one. So I want it to be a half an hour date and if it's going well, you extend it to a meal or a walk. If the ratings of Head, heart and Hoo-Ha go down, you wouldn't even have one if you weren't sixes or above at all. Right, you have to be sixes, sevens, after a video chat to even have a live date going six, seven, eight. If they're going six, five, four after half an hour. It was lovely to meet you. You seem like a fine human being.
31:56
I don't think this is a romantic match. I wish you the best of luck. And you walk to your car or your subway or whatever and bye, and then, if you're too shy to say that, because a lot of women are intimidated to say that, for good and bad reasons, after half an hour, because you finished your drink, you say it was lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for this date. I need to get to the dentist or I need to get to my whatever appointment and you say goodbye and then you text them same day and say it was lovely to meet you. I don't think this is a romantic match. You seem lovely. I wish you the best of luck, boom Done.
Karen Covy Host
32:32
Okay, so do you always recommend that people do a video chat first, and if so, why?
Laurie Gerber Guest
32:40
Such good questions. I always recommend people do a video chat before they meet live because, number one it rules out most scammers.
Karen Covy Host
32:53
Oh, I didn't even think of that.
Laurie Gerber Guest
32:55
Number two it rules out people who are not into you enough to figure out how to show up for a video chat. Number three it's to check chemistry and that's really important. So you're at sixes or seven in the banter and whatever you can tell from the profile, you now have to check chemistry and wink wink. Are they who they showed in the picture, and are those pictures recent? Are they in a situation where they can get on a video chat, meaning they have a quiet room away from other people? Right Like? These are all really good questions to find out. So the minute you go and I have a specific phrase for this it's been lovely getting to know you. I'm enjoying our banter via the app or via the text. I would love to hop on a 10-minute video chat to check and see if we have chemistry.
Karen Covy Host
33:46
How can you check and see if you have chemistry on a screen?
Laurie Gerber Guest
33:52
You can't fully right. You can just find out. Were the pictures recent? Are they who they were in the pictures? Will they get their butts to a video chat and then? eight out of 10 times you will go. Oh, there's chemistry. Two out of 10 times you'll be like I still can't tell, but everything's still seven, so I'll go meet them live.
Karen Covy Host
34:14
Okay. So part of it sounds like a big part of this is just to make sure that they are who they portrayed themselves to be, and if they at least pass that hurdle, then you can do the coffee or tea.
Laurie Gerber Guest
34:25
And you really are checking chemistry. It's not foolproof for checking chemistry, but if you're looking at someone online and you're thinking I'm just not like, I like the pictures grainy or might be old, whatever, I like the basics that I see there, but I can't tell, or what if they were 30 pounds heavier or 10 years older, I need to. I do need to check if there's chemistry and, by the way, there've been plenty of stories I've heard where the person comes on and they don't look like their pictures, but there's still great chemistry. So it's not I'm not ruling out anybody who put outdated pictures, but that's also the opportunity for someone to go. Hey, I told the app I was 64. I'm actually 68. Or those pictures showed me.
35:08
Before I went gray, I decided to stop dying. I'm gray now, like it's your chance to go. Are any of these deal breakers, given what I already know? So that video chat is amazing at preventing dud dates and preventing you from wasting time and just weeding people out.
Karen Covy Host
35:24
Okay. So how long should somebody go in the banter and video date time before they actually meet a live human?
Laurie Gerber Guest
35:35
Okay, and you're really. You're just tapping into my love of nerdy protocols and spreadsheets because that's my jam. You get one to two weeks texting, that's it. There's no reason you should be texting someone for more than one to two weeks. That's plenty of time to ask questions. Be fun, be funny, show your personality, see if there's rapport At the end of two weeks.
35:55
If it hasn't already happened, you use the. Could we hop on the video chat option? If they're not, if they're asking you out already, you can be like great, let's hop on a video chat and check to see if we have chemistry. I don't want to waste your time. Right, you're helping them to see if they like you, yeah, so, and especially if they're paying, right, like you, it's just courteous. So if that has not happened, then you're trying to keep your pipeline clean. You ask the video chat question. That rules some people out. They disappear, and it rules some people in.
36:27
Now you're negotiating a time and an app to use. You can have a Gmail that you use just for dating, associated with a Zoom account. You can. Many of the dating sites have in-app video chat features because they know how important this is. So try to do something that keeps you anonymous, unless this is someone you know through a friend or you can find them on social and you trust who they are. Don't give away your personal information at this stage, at the end of the video chat and, by the way, it doesn't have to be 10 minutes, you're just saying 10 minutes so people don't freak out and think they have to prepare.
Karen Covy Host
37:00
Right.
Laurie Gerber Guest
37:01
If you end up gabbing away the evening, fine. If it's 10 minutes and you find you're not a match, perfect, you had to go because you had something else, and again same rules apply as the date. You either say right then and there, sorry, I don't think it's a match. Say, you know what, if you argued about politics for the whole 10 minutes, you know, sorry, I don't think it's a match. Or if you're too intimidated, you just have a reason to go and then you text that soon after to again keep your pipeline clear and in integrity. If it goes well, at the end of the video chat you say it's been really nice chatting with you. I feel like we have a lot in common and we seem to synergize well or get along well. If you ask me out, I'd say yes. You say that If you're the woman because that's the way you don't end up in situationships or being their therapist or an ongoing banter, or worse you get off and you go. I don't know if he liked me. I don't know if that went well.
Karen Covy Host
38:05
Okay, but should you? There's multiple schools of thought out there. Should you, as the woman, ever say, hey, I think we have chemistry. This has been really fun. You want to go out?
Laurie Gerber Guest
38:18
You can, but people who study men and women find that the majority of men feel more empowered and their testosterone is peaked when you let them lead. So I mean, it's not a hard and fast rule
Karen Covy Host
38:38
But what about the book way back in the day? I don't know if you remember the rules I do. Right, you were supposed to, as the woman, like let the guy do all the things and the asking and the what have you? So? Wouldn't this be violating a rule?
Laurie Gerber Guest
38:52
No, well, this is a compromise on the rule, kind of like fervorizing your baby, you know, like we decided to not be quite so extreme as we progressed in human evolution. Um, you are letting him lead the way. You're just letting him know he's going to get a yes. So what that does is it leaves it to the man to generate, which is the right thing, and it does leave you going like is he gonna?
39:19
And then you find out, right, but you can never go. Oh well, did I send a mixed message? Maybe he didn't think I liked him. You said if you asked me out, I'd say yes, so he may then and there try to make a date with you or he may go. Great, I'll ask you out.
39:32
I have one client who told me she was video chatting with someone and he said I will ask you out by noon tomorrow. Right, because a lot of men want to go back and plan and think and delight you and come up with something and generate it. They don't want you to tell them every detail about what to do. He wants to be the one who does it. So you are in. In a way, you are actually. I think you're evolving the rules by continuing to empower the man to generate and obviously I don't really believe in gender or gender roles. So this kind of you know, this is, this is, these are and these are. I would apply these lightly and appropriately to your situation. But you're also making sure he gets the win, because people are scared to get a no. They don't want. Men are getting rejected constantly, online constantly. So you saying I'd say yes is very charming and very helpful, and if he's your match, he'll ask you out, and if he's not, he won't.
Karen Covy Host
40:38
I never thought of it that way. But yeah, guys have a hard time these days. Brutal, yeah, well, everybody does. I think just connecting with people in our digital world is hard and we didn't evolve to be staring at a screen and saying swipe, which way was what you know, right?
Laurie Gerber Guest
40:56
totally, totally. And, by the way, I don't mean to say it's not hard for women, I just think, as women, we don't think about how hard it is for men.
Karen Covy Host
41:03
Yeah, I think it's hard for everybody across the board, and especially those who haven't been in the dating pool for a while and were married. I mean, this is not. This is scary stuff for a lot of people.
Laurie Gerber Guest
41:17
The scariest and I think love's the most important thing. So why wouldn't you be scared if you meant it? It is scary, it's so vulnerable.
Karen Covy Host
41:26
So I mean we, we, I hate to have to wrap this up, but we're going to have to do that. Do you got any? Do you have any last minute tips for people? If somebody is trying to get back on the horse, so to speak, what tips can you have that will help them be successful when they do?
Laurie Gerber Guest
41:45
Okay, well, good news. I have a quiz. It's designed around what I consider to be the 34 most popular obstacles to finding love. So in my 20 years of coaching daters, I have seen what gets in people's way and what needs to be handled, and I created a quiz to just how do you self-assess? Right? And by taking the quiz. It takes five minutes. It's on my website, lauriegerber.com. When you take the quiz, you will go oh, I see what I still need to work on right, so I can't.
42:15
I'm not going to tell you all 34 things right now, but you can imagine some of them we've mentioned. Like, you're not over your ex, you don't know what you really want, you're, you don't love yourself. You know there's a lot of different obstacles that people could be up against. The first thing I would suggest, the first tip, is, is find out what your obstacles are. Make a list. It's not a finite list. I could only come up with 34, and I've been doing this 20 years, and you don't have all 34, right, you have 10 to 15. Most people have about 10 to 15 obstacles, not 34. But some people only have three. Right, and wouldn't it be nice to find out what your obstacles are, so you can now tackle them, yeah, and then watch my free webinar, because that'll also help you determine what your three age criteria are. And that works for any, any gender. I mean, it's don't be offended, I'm talking to women in it, but the exercises are universal.
Karen Covy Host
43:05
That is wonderful, Laurie. I thank you so much for all of the wisdom and the tips that you've shared in our time together today. If people are curious, if they want to take your quiz, if they want to find out more about you or how to work with you, what's the best way for them to do that?
Laurie Gerber Guest
43:23
Website lauriegerber.com L-A-U-R-I-E-G-E-R-B-E-R.com. If you do slash webinar, you'll get into the free training on the three H's. If you just go to the website at the top and the banner, you'll get the quiz offered to you. It's pretty straightforward. You can just go in and have a look around.
Karen Covy Host
43:43
Laurie, that's awesome and I hope for those of you who are listening who are maybe wondering if you're ready to get back on the horse, get back in the pool or not. Laurie is definitely someone to check out. So, Laurie, thank you for sharing all the tips and wisdom that you did today.
Laurie Gerber Guest
44:00
My pleasure. Thanks for having me.
Karen Covy Host
44:02
And for those of you who are watching and listening, if you enjoyed today's episode, if you'd like more content, just like this, do me a big favor. Give this episode a thumbs up, like. Subscribe wherever you're listening If you're on video, if you're on just the podcast, doesn't matter. Subscribe, like, and I look forward to talking with you again next time.
