Episode Description - When is the Right Time to Divorce?
Is there ever a right time to divorce? Is there such a thing as waiting too long to get a divorce? How do you know if NOW is the right time to go?
In this special episode, we dive into the thorny question of when to divorce by exploring the story of Sue, who faces the heart-wrenching decision of whether to leave her husband, Brad, due to his escalating drinking problem.
Grappling with financial constraints and familial duties, Sue's story is one of emotional turmoil and the heavy burden of pondering life-altering choices.
If you or someone you know is struggling to decide whether to stay married, or when to divorce, this podcast episode can provide you with an eye-opening reality you might not otherwise have considered.
Key Takeaways From This Episode
Episode Summary
- Key Takeaways:
- There's never a "right" time for divorce - it's always difficult
- Waiting too long can make divorce more difficult and sometimes impossible
- When trying to decide if “now” is when you should divorce it’s important to consider:
- What you will lose by divorcing
- What you will gain by divorcing
- What you lose by staying
- What you will gain by staying
- Looking objectively at both sides (lose and gain) of every issue when making decisions will enable you to make the best decision possible
- Remember: Change is uncomfortable but waiting can be worse
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Transcript
When is the Right Time to Divorce?
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
decision making, timing, financial dependency
SPEAKERS
Karen Covy
Karen Covy Host
00:10
Welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making to help us figure out what keeps us stuck and, more importantly, how do we get unstuck. This is a very special new short episode of the podcast. I hope you enjoy it and, without further ado, let's get on with the show. Is there ever a right time to divorce? I mean are sometimes better than others, how do you know?
00:45
Welcome to Off the Fence Stories. This is a brand-new series that we're starting in the Off the Fence Podcast, where I share real stories of real people that answer your divorce questions. I'm Karen Covy. I'm a former divorce lawyer, mediator and arbitrator, turned coach, author and entrepreneur, and in the Off the Fence podcast we typically discuss difficult decision-making, particularly in the context of marriage, relationships, divorce and more, and I spend a lot of time interviewing really smart, generous people who are willing to share their knowledge, their wisdom, their expertise to give us the tips and tools that we need to make hard decisions and to get through divorce better. But this is a brand-new series and in this series, I'm going to share stories that are all loosely based on the truth, and I say loosely because obviously the names have been changed and some of the details have been tweaked so that you can't tell who they really are. But the point of the story is very real.
01:50
And the story I want to share with you today is the story of a woman I'll call her Sue, and Sue was married to Brad right, and they got married young. They got married they were in their twenties and they started out like any other 20-year-old couple. They were young, they were in love, the future was bright. But as time went on, Sue started to notice that Brad was drinking kind of more than she was comfortable with right, and so they got into big fights about it, they got into discussions about it. But Sue had three small kids at home and Brad was the primary breadwinner for the family and he went to work every day. He had a good job, he brought home a paycheck. So Sue kind of just thought, all right, well, now's not the right time, right, we'll just deal with it later. And so Sue took care of the kids.
02:42
And you know, time went on and after a while the kids got to be in high school and Brad's drinking was a little bit worse Now. He wasn't just having a beer every day after work, he was having many beers every day after work and sometimes on the weekends he would get really drunk. And they had Sue and Brad had more fights and it was ugly and horrible. But now the kids were in high school and they seemed to need Sue even more and she didn't have a job and she thought to herself okay, well, maybe I should at least go back to work a little bit, just in case things don't go well with Brad. But they still stuck it out and Sue spent some time and she went back to school and she got her skills back up and she went out and she got a job and she started working and bringing money in.
03:28
And Sue started to think well, you know, I'll just keep a little money aside, just in case, you know, in case there's a problem, I'll have something to fall back on. I could pay for a lawyer if Brad doesn't get his act together. But there always seemed to be something to spend the money on. I mean, the kids needed this or they needed that, and Brad couldn't pay for everything, and so Sue was never able to really save the nest egg she thought she was going to be able to save, but she at least had a job. And she said, okay, this is good, get the kids started.
04:00
And she waited and things between her and Brad were horrible. Their relationship just kept going down and down and down. They barely talked to each other. When they did, they would fight, or Sue didn't even care to fight with him anymore, she just let him do whatever he did, he wanted to do, and he was drunk most of the time. But he did still go to work and he did have a job. And Sue thought, okay, I'm just going to wait till the kids are out of high school, right, get them into college.
04:26
Except that once the kids went to college, you know, one of her kids had problems and started to develop a drinking problem, to be honest, and so Sue was worried about her kid and trying to get them in rehab and trying to get them into Alcoholics Anonymous and get them on the straight and narrow when her other kids had issues and there was always so much going on, Sue didn't have time to focus on her relationship with Brad or the fact that he was now pretty much drunk every weekend, all weekend, and he was starting to not do so well. But Sue just focused on her kids, threw herself into her job and said, okay, that's it. And finally, the kids got on. You know, they got on the right path. They started doing veterans. So Sue looked at the relationship with Brad and said, all right, I've got to do something now. Now is the right time.
05:16
But then Brad got sick and he had all kinds of. He started developing all kinds of health problems, probably from the drinking right. But he started going down and down and down and so Sue had to stop working full time. She had to go down to part-time so that she could take Brad to the doctors, to the hospital. She was worried about his health. She didn't know what was going to happen. And oh, by the way, in this process Brad lost his job. He had to go on disability because his health was so bad.
05:45
So Sue had her hands full for a very long time and finally Brad got to the point where he was older and he was at least. His health was stable, he wasn't in crisis and their relationship was totally shot. All they did was fight. He was drunk all the time, but he now was living off social security and he was at a point because he had never planned on this. They really didn't have enough money saved for retirement. They, you know, they were relying on Sue's job to supplement social security and she was only working part time.
06:22
And so now she was looking and saying what do I do now? And meanwhile Brad was getting worse and worse and worse and meaner and meaner and she couldn't take it anymore and she wanted to get a divorce. But what she realized was they didn't have enough money. All they had was their house and the social security and the little bit that she was making, and Sue couldn't afford to get a divorce. Now I wish I could tell you there was a great happy ending to the story, but there wasn't. Sue and Brad stuck it out together and, as far as I know, are still together, unless Brad has gotten so sick that he's passed. I don't know, but Sue is miserable and she had a really, really hard life.
07:06
So what's the moral of the story? Should Sue have gotten divorced? Was there a right time for her to get a divorce from Brad? The answer is probably not, but that's because there's never a good time or a right time to do a hard thing. It's going to be hard, no matter when you do it. So, no matter when Sue had chosen to get a divorce along the way, it was always going to be hard. But there does come a time when it gets harder. And for Sue, she had crossed the line from where it was going to be just hard to where it's going to be really hard to, maybe financially even impossible for her. So how does that relate to you?
08:00
Well, the bottom line is you don't want to wait too long. I'm not saying you have to get divorced. If things are terrible, try to fix them. You have to get divorced. If things are terrible, try to fix them. But be realistic. You see the way human brains are wired.
08:20
We all think like Sue thought now isn't the right time, because change is always hard, change is never comfortable, no matter who you are. And we all look at what we're going to lose if we change. What are you going to lose if you get a divorce? Are you going to hurt your kids? Are you going to hurt your money? Are you going to lose your house? What are you going to lose if you get divorced? Those are important things to consider, but you also have to stop and think about what are you going to lose if you stay, and that's the thing that we don't consider.
08:58
And so when you're making a decision like this, a hard decision where you're in a bad spot, look at what do you lose on either side and what do you gain on either side, because it's only by looking objectively at the whole picture that you can make the best decision possible and know that, no matter what you do or when you do it, it's never going to be easy and it's never going to be fun, but neither is ending up like Sue. So I hope you liked this little story. I know it wasn't a really uplifting or happy one, but it's one that's important and it's one that can inform your decision-making. If you enjoyed this story, if you enjoyed this episode and you want to see more like it, do me a big favor. Leave me a comment. Wherever you're watching or listening to the video, leave a comment. Don't forget to like and subscribe, and I look forward to seeing you again in the next episode of Off the Fence.
