How to Protect Yourself in a Gray Divorce

Episode Description - How to Protect Yourself in a Gray Divorce

Starting over after 50 comes with its own kind of pain … but that’s just one of the things that makes gray divorce different. The legal, financial, and emotional implications that getting a divorce later in life bring can make the difference between enjoying your “golden years,” and trying to play “catch up” at a time in life when you thought you’d be able to relax.

In this special solo podcast episode, you’ll discover everything from how to decide if a gray divorce is for you to the legal processes that will help you through it less expensively (or not!).

You’ll also learn about the financial realities and relationship concerns with your adult kids that nobody warns you about, and the critical health care considerations you need to understand before finalizing your divorce.

But this episode isn't just about logistics. It's about who you become on the other side, how your friendships shift, whether the stigma is as real as it feels, and why some people wait decades to leave when they didn't have to.

If you're standing at the edge of a gray divorce, or wondering how anyone survives the practical side of it, this podcast episode is for you.

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Transcript

How to Protect Yourself in a Gray Divorce

SPEAKERS

Karen Covy

TRANSCRIPT

Hello, and welcome to Off the Fence, a podcast where we deconstruct difficult decision-making so we can discover what keeps us stuck—and, more importantly, how we can get unstuck and start making even tough decisions with confidence. I'm your host, Karen Covy, a former divorce lawyer, mediator, and arbitrator turned coach, author, and entrepreneur. 

And now, without further ado, let's get on with the show. Today, we have a very special solo episode for you. In this episode, we're going to talk about a hot topic: gray divorce. 

I want to start by talking a little bit about what gray divorce is and why it's getting so much press these days. Gray divorce, simply put, is divorce for anyone who is 50 years old or older—so 50, 60, or 70. Statistically speaking, the 50-plus demographic has the highest divorce rate of any demographic, not just nationwide, but worldwide. 

So the question then becomes: why are so many people, once they hit 50 and above, getting a divorce these days? What's going on? 

It's a multi-layered answer, but part of it is that we're living longer. When people used to retire at 65 and their lifespan was 68, if you only had three more years to live with somebody, why go through a divorce? Nowadays, the average lifespan is in the 80s. If you're retiring at 65, you're looking at a whole lot more time to live with someone than people did before. 

Another part of it is finances. People are living and working longer. If you've saved well and have a nice nest egg, you might be able to afford to maintain two separate households and lead two separate lives, whereas before, that wasn't really possible. 

What I hear most from my clients and the people I talk to is, "Look, I only have a certain number of years left on this planet. I don't know how many years I have, but I know I want the chance to be happy, and in my current marriage, that's not happening." From what I've been able to research and discern, that's a big reason why a lot of people are getting divorced later in life: they don't want to waste whatever years they have left. 

In this episode, we're going to dive into gray divorce and answer some of the most frequently asked questions. 

One of the biggest questions I get is: how do you know if you're just going through a rough patch in your marriage, or if what you're dealing with is really a reason to get a divorce? 

The answer depends on how long this has been going on. If you've been married 20 or 30 years and the last 10 have been horrible—whether you haven't been getting along or you've been leading separate lives—that's not a rough patch. That's a indicator of a much bigger problem in your relationship. 

The second thing you want to ask is: what have I tried to do to make things better? Have you tried marriage counseling? If you're faith-based, have you spoken to your pastor, rabbi, priest, or spiritual leader? Have you tried self-help programs, read books, or looked online? Today, there are so many self-help programs available for people having marital issues, which is helpful since not everyone is open to traditional marriage counseling. 

Have you explored those options and tried everything? Divorcing—especially later in life—has major consequences, so you always want to ask if you've done everything you can. If you have and you still can't find a way to resolve the issues, it may be time to start looking at divorce. 

Another question: am I selfish to get divorced later in life? 

It's no more selfish to get divorced at 50, 60, or 70 than it is at 20, 30, or 40. Just because you're older doesn't mean you don't have needs, that you don't want to be happy, or that you don't want to find love and deep connection. 

Which brings me to the next question: is that still possible? Can you really find happiness, love, and satisfaction at 50, 60, or 70? 

The answer is absolutely yes. Just because you're over 50 doesn't mean your life is over. A lot of people have gone on to achieve great things later in life. Colonel Sanders was in his 60s when he founded Kentucky Fried Chicken. Benjamin Franklin was 70 years old when he drafted the Declaration of Independence, and 81 when he helped draft the United States Constitution. Laura Ingalls Wilder started writing the Little House on the Prairie series when she was 65. 

So if you think life is over because you're 50, 60, or 70, think again. You can find love and you can start over. 

However, the way you go through a divorce later in life has an even greater impact on you than it does on younger people. Why? Because you don't have as much time to make up the difference. If you suffer a big financial setback in your 20s, you have your whole life to recover. If you suffer a huge financial setback or make a major mistake in your 60s or 70s, it's way harder to recoup. How you approach and manage your gray divorce makes a massive difference in where you end up and what your prospects look like for living a great life afterward. 

Once you've made the hard decision to get a divorce later in life, one of the biggest questions is: will I be able to afford it? How do I know if I can afford to get divorced? 

That is a legitimate question, and you shouldn't just brush it off and assume everything will be fine. The only way to know is to look at your numbers. Create a budget and a balance sheet. List out all your assets, expenses, and debts. 

If you need help putting those numbers together, a good divorce coach or a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) can assist you. But don't guess. Look at what you currently have coming in and going out every month. Then, create a post-divorce budget. If you move into an apartment or keep the house as a single income, what will your income and expenses look like? Compare the two. 

If the numbers don't work, explore your options. You might need to get a full-time or part-time job, or delay retirement from age 65 to 70. It all depends on your specific situation, but you must analyze the numbers before the divorce is finalized, when it's too late to do anything about it. 

That leads to the next question: what are the biggest financial mistakes people make in a gray divorce? 

The number one mistake is spending a fortune on the divorce process itself. If you don't have enough money for two people to retire and you spend half of your savings on divorce lawyers, you definitely won't have enough money to live comfortably post-divorce. Avoiding a costly legal battle should be your top goal. 

How do you achieve that? It depends on the process you choose. Going to court to fight is the most expensive path. Sitting down with your spouse to work things out costs the least. Mediation costs a bit more than doing it entirely on your own, but it's significantly cheaper than litigation. Collaborative divorce typically falls somewhere between mediation and litigation in cost. 

Choose your divorce process wisely. Get the legal advice you need, but avoid hiring an aggressive "shark" attorney who will ignite a fight and burn through your retirement savings. 

On the flip side, the second biggest financial mistake is failing to get legal advice at all. You don't have decades to earn back lost money. You need legal advice to ensure you don't make permanent, costly mistakes. Once legal documents are finalized and signed by a judge, those terms can be impossible to undo. 

To keep costs down, you can use unbundled legal services—hiring an attorney on an hourly basis to review or draft paperwork while you and your spouse negotiate the terms yourselves. Strive for a balance: hire reasonable legal counsel to protect yourself without spending a fortune on unnecessary conflict. 

Another frequent question regarding gray divorce centers around alimony. This comes up often when one spouse was the stay-at-home parent and the other was the primary earner. The stay-at-home spouse often assumes they will receive alimony for the rest of their life. 

That is not a safe assumption. When the earning spouse retires and the retirement assets are divided equally, both parties are on the same financial footing. If neither person has saved enough to retire independently, both may need to return to work or adjust their lifestyle. Don't assume lifetime alimony is guaranteed just because you were married for a long time. 

However, the length of your marriage does impact another financial asset: Social Security. If you were married for at least 10 years prior to divorcing, you may qualify for Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse's work record if their earning history was higher than yours. You could be entitled to receive up to 50% of their benefit rate without impacting their payout. Consult a lawyer or financial advisor to analyze how Social Security will factor into your post-divorce income. 

Next, who keeps the house in a gray divorce, and is keeping it even a smart idea? 

Again, this depends entirely on your overall financial picture. Can you afford not only the monthly mortgage and utilities, but also the major maintenance contingencies? If the roof leaks or the furnace breaks, do you have the funds to cover it? If keeping the house leaves you "house poor," it might not be the wisest choice. 

Downsizing often makes more financial sense. Consult a financial advisor and a real estate agent to determine what the home is worth and what selling it would mean for your retirement plan. Furthermore, consider the emotional aspect: once you are divorced, living alone in a home where everything reminds you of your ex-spouse may not be where you truly want to be. 

Healthcare is another critical concern in a gray divorce. As we age, healthcare expenses rise. If you are currently covered under your spouse’s health insurance plan, that coverage will end once the divorce is final. 

You must have a plan in place beforehand. Investigate your options early. COBRA coverage may be an option, but it isn't available through every employer and can be very expensive. Speak with an independent health insurance broker to explore private coverage or health exchange options under the Affordable Care Act. Ensure that whatever policy you choose fits your budget and covers your existing healthcare providers. 

Now, how does gray divorce affect adult children? 

If you think it won't affect them just because they're grown and out of the house, you're mistaken. Adult children often experience deep sadness or frustration when their parents divorce. They have their own memories tied to their family structure and may worry about what this means for holidays, grandchildren, and future caregiving. 

While adult children don't get to dictate how you live your life, handling the divorce amicably will protect your ongoing relationship with them. Try to inform your children about the divorce around the same time so no one feels left out. 

Also, keep in mind that if you and your spouse are no longer together to support each other as you age, that responsibility often falls on your children. Splitting your assets reasonably so that both you and your spouse remain financially stable is one of the best gifts you can give your adult children. Avoid burning through assets out of spite or trying to "take your spouse to the cleaners." 

What if your spouse doesn't want the divorce? 

Your spouse can make the process take longer and cost more, but ultimately, they cannot stop it. No-fault divorce is the law in every US state. 

If your spouse is struggling with the decision, give them time and space to process their emotions. Encourage them to seek therapy or counseling. You have likely been thinking about divorce for a long time, whereas it may be a complete shock to them. Be compassionate, but remain firm. Giving them false hope that they can change your mind is ultimately unhelpful. Keep the process moving forward step-by-step in the kindest way possible. 

A question many people hesitate to ask aloud is: should I just stay married for the money? 

While society often looks down on this concept, evaluating your post-divorce financial survival is practical. If divorcing means you won't have enough money to support yourself, that is a serious factor to weigh. 

However, your options aren't strictly limited to either staying in an unhappy marriage or getting a full divorce. You could consider a legal or informal separation where you live independently while protecting yourself financially with a postnuptial agreement. Or, you might restructure the rules of your marriage while remaining under the same roof. Consult a divorce coach or financial advisor to explore alternative solutions that give you independence without compromising your financial security. 

Logistically, how long does a gray divorce take and how much does it cost? 

The timeline and cost of a gray divorce follow the same rules as any other divorce: the more you fight, the longer it takes and the more it costs. 

However, you will likely need an attorney with more specialized experience. Divorcing after decades of marriage involves complex matters like tax implications, business valuations, pension assets, Social Security, and alimony. You need a lawyer who thoroughly understands these financial complexities to avoid permanent mistakes. 

What about your estate plan? 

A divorce effectively invalidates your existing estate plan. Once divorced, ex-spouses generally no longer automatically inherit from each other by law. 

You must update your will, trusts, power of attorney documents, and healthcare proxies as soon as your divorce is finalized. Crucially, remember to update the beneficiary designations on your life insurance policies, IRAs, and 401(k)s. If you leave your ex-spouse listed as the primary beneficiary on those accounts, the funds may still go to them upon your death regardless of what your will states. 

What if one spouse is ill or acts as a caregiver to the other at the time of the divorce? 

This complicates matters significantly. Leaving a spouse who relies on you for care carries a heavy emotional toll, and your family dynamic may become strained. 

Financially, if a sick or disabled spouse can no longer work and requires paid caregiving assistance, a court in an equitable distribution state may award them a larger share of the marital assets to cover their medical and living expenses. If you find yourself in this situation, consult with legal and financial experts to build a thoughtful strategy before taking action. The goal should be creating a viable plan that accommodates both of your needs moving forward. 

Gray divorce also takes a distinct physical and mental toll. The longer you've been married, the more your identity may be tied to being a husband or a wife. Shifting that mindset can be deeply disorienting. 

To navigate this successfully, build a strong support system—therapists, coaches, support groups, friends, and family. Your mindset is key. If you assume your life is over, it will feel that way. But if you adopt a growth mindset and recognize that you can build a vibrant new chapter, your golden years can truly be golden. 

Your social circle will likely shift as well. Married friends may feel uncomfortable or choose sides, and some friendships will inevitably end. Because making new friends in your 50s, 60s, or 70s requires deliberate effort, you must actively engage in new hobbies, join groups, and step outside your comfort zone to build a fresh community. 

As for the social stigma, while divorce is far more accepted today than in the past, older adults getting divorced still face judgment from people who wonder why they didn't just "stick it out." Remember that it is your life, not theirs. If you are at peace with your decision, let other people's opinions roll off your back. 

Does gray divorce impact men and women differently? 

I don't believe gender determines how hard a divorce will be. What matters far more is your mindset, your financial standing, your willingness to adapt, and your openness to building a new life. 

Finally, what is the cost of waiting too long to get a divorce? 

Yes, you can wait too long. Waiting can make getting a divorce infinitely harder, more financially devastating, or even legally impossible. 

For example, I once worked with a client whose spouse was an alcoholic. As his condition worsened over decades, he became abusive and mismanaged their finances. By the time she decided she couldn't take it anymore, their savings were depleted, his health had deteriorated, and leaving became far more complicated than it would have been years earlier. 

If you are unhappy, have exhausted your options to save the marriage, and know you want a different future, waiting rarely makes things easier. It is a tough decision at any age, but staying stuck indefinitely won't serve you. 

I hope you enjoyed this solo episode on gray divorce! If you did, please leave a comment below and let me know if you'd like to see more solo episodes in the future. Please like the video, subscribe to the podcast and YouTube channel, and I look forward to seeing you next time for our regularly scheduled program!