The last person most people would go to for marriage advice is a divorce lawyer. After all, we make a living based on the demise of people’s relationships, not their salvation. Asking a divorce lawyer for their rules for a great marriage is like asking the devil how to get into heaven.
(Although, in fairness to the devil, many people would trust HIM more than they’d trust a divorce lawyer.)
Lawyer jokes aside, the need to find love and connection is as deeply rooted in human beings as the need for oxygen.
We can’t survive for long without it.
Maybe that’s why people keep getting married when the statistical chances that their marriage will survive until they die are barely more than 50/50.
After having spent more than 30 years helping people navigate the trials and tribulations of both marriage and divorce, I’ve seen firsthand what happens when a relationship breaks down. I’ve heard the stories behind the legal issues: the hurts that went unspoken, the arguments that never got resolved, and the distance that grew while both people were busy living their lives.
I’ve also had the privilege of being married for nearly two decades to a man who still makes my heart sing.
That doesn’t mean my husband and I haven’t had our share of challenges.
We have.
It doesn’t mean we’re perfect.
We’re not.
All it means is that we’ve found a way to navigate life’s ups and downs and still find more happiness together than we’d ever find apart.
Given the work that I do, and the marriages I’ve seen, that’s remarkable.
A Great Marriage Takes More than “Hard Work”
People like to say that marriage is “hard work.”
Whether that’s true depends on how you view work.
If you see it as drudgery and a thankless slog, then you might as well stop reading now. Your marriage is already doomed.
On the other hand, if you equate “work” with doing what you love, then the “work” it takes to hold your marriage together isn’t really work at all.
It brings you joy.
Yet having witnessed both the success and failure of thousands of marriages over time, I’ve learned a few things about what makes a great marriage work, and what makes a poor marriage fail.
(When you understand how marriages unravel, you start paying attention to what helps hold them together.)
While I don’t presume to have all the answers, I’ve at least been in a position to see the patterns that work, and those that don’t.
Fundamentally, the success of your relationship depends on the choices you make, the values you hold, and the amount of honesty you can tolerate.
Being open and having a growth mindset also help.
All that having been said, here are this divorce lawyer’s rules for a great marriage.
10 Rules for a Great Marriage
1. Know what kind of relationship you want, and what you’re willing to invest to get it.
Before you can build a great marriage, you need to know what that means to you.
Think about your values, your goals, and the lifestyle you want. Go beyond the surface or the fairy-tale image and get clear about what you want your everyday relationship to look like.
Then ask yourself what you’re willing to do to create it.
How much time, energy, and effort are you willing to invest? How much of yourself are you willing to share?
2. Marry the right person.
This sounds so basic. But you'd be amazed at the number of people who know they're making a mistake when they're getting married ... but they do it anyway.
Or, they "think" they know their partner, but they've never taken the time to sit down, ask hard questions, and listen (really listen!) to their partner's answers.
So often we marry the person we "want" our prospective spouse to be, without paying attention to whether that's the person they really are.
To build a great marriage together, you need to be on the same page about money, kids, and the kind of life you want to build together.
That doesn’t mean you have to agree about everything. It just means you need to have enough common ground on the things that matter most so that you can build a harmonious relationship together.
3. Talk daily, and communicate to understand first, then to be understood.
A great marriage requires a LOT of talking and even more listening.
Little things matter as much as big things, so make a point of talking every day about at least one thing that matters to you.
When you disagree, learn to get curious rather than angry. WHY does your spouse think, feel, or behave the way they do? Understanding their perspective can make behavior you don’t like easier to address.
(PRO TIP: If both of you communicate to understand, rather than to persuade the other person that you’re right, you’ll both feel more understood. If you’re only focused on getting your own point across, you can end up talking AT each other and totally missing the point.)
4. Respect your partner. Presume competence and good intent.
When your spouse makes a mistake or does something that drives you crazy, instead of assuming that your spouse’s actions are stupid, spiteful, or lazy, start by presuming that your spouse is acting in good faith.
That doesn’t mean that you need to walk through your marriage wearing rose-colored glasses. But unless and until you have evidence that your spouse was purposely trying to aggravate you, it doesn’t hurt to presume that they were trying their best and just messed up.
Respecting your spouse is also key.
You’ll both be much happier if you start by assuming your partner is capable then you will by jumping in and “helping” to make sure everything gets done YOUR way.
5. Fight fair and put your relationship ahead of winning.
When conflicts come up (and they will!), try approaching them as a team trying to solve a problem rather than as adversaries trying to win an argument.
Learn to fight without slinging insults, jumping to conclusions, or arguing until you’re both exhausted.
Address problem behavior without attacking the person who engaged in the behavior.
Finally, before you dig in your heels about anything, ask yourself whether being right matters more than being happy. Most disagreements are less important than we think.
“Winning” every argument can mean losing the relationship.
6. Practice radical honesty with yourself and your spouse.
The single most important thing that holds a relationship together is honesty.
Be honest about what you’re feeling, even when you're scared and even when sharing it makes you vulnerable.
Hiding small hurts and pretending they don’t matter or that they’ll disappear on their own will ultimately eat your marriage like a cancer.
When something bothers you – talk about it!
Even when it’s hard.
Especially when it’s hard.
Kill the monster while it’s still small.
7. Make time for connection and prioritize intimacy - including sex.
Proximity matters. Long-distance relationships can work, but maintaining them takes more effort.
Spend as much time together as you can, and be intentional about connecting during that time. (Being “together” while you’re both glued to your screens isn’t really being together at all.)
Make room for physical and emotional intimacy, too.
Intimacy goes beyond sex, but includes it, and sex is part of what distinguishes a marriage from a friendship.
You can be intimate without having sex, and you can have sex without being intimate. Give both attention.
8. Take responsibility for what’s yours … but ONLY what’s yours.
Blame creates opponents. Responsibility creates partners.
Owning the role you played in creating a situation gives you the power to change your part in it. Seeing yourself as a victim can keep you from recognizing the choices you still have.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything, though.
Blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens in your marriage can be just as toxic to your relationship as blaming your spouse for every bad thing that happens in your marriage.
If you always take the fall for every marital issue, that’s worth paying attention to. Get therapy when you need it.
And if your spouse never takes responsibility for his/her actions and reactions, that’s worth paying attention to as well.
9. Care as much about your spouse and your marriage as you do about yourself.
If you want a great marriage, you have to make your spouse and your marriage a priority.
That means your spouse has GOT to be your #1.
Yes. Your kids matter enormously. But if you put them before your spouse, your marriage WILL suffer.
Caring for your kids means caring for your marriage.
However, caring for your marriage doesn’t mean abandoning yourself.
Making your relationship a priority shouldn’t require burying your own needs. If your spouse is oblivious to your needs, then YOU need to speak up. (See Rule #3) And if speaking up doesn’t work, go to marriage counseling.
Now.
Don’t wait until your marriage is a dumpster fire before you get help.
Continually sacrificing what matters to you will ultimately build resentment and undermine the relationship you’re trying to protect.
10. Be kind to your spouse AND to yourself.
No marriage is perfect all the time.
Sometimes you’ll screw up.
Sometimes your spouse will screw up.
And sometimes you’ll both screw up … or say the wrong thing … or handle a situation badly.
Give yourselves and each other grace.
Be willing to acknowledge mistakes, make repairs, and keep learning without expecting either of you to get everything right every time.
The Marriage You Get Depends on the Decisions You Make
Most people think that being married is a decision you make once in your life.
I think it’s a decision you make every single day.
You either decide to stay committed and engaged in your relationship.
Or you let life get in the way.
Sometimes, you don’t have a choice.
Life gets in the way. You just have to roll with it.
The key is to not let it get in the way too much, or for too long.
Doing that isn’t always easy.
But it’s worth it if you want to build the kind of marriage and life that you both want to keep coming home to.
