November 19

How to Be Grateful Even When You’re Divorcing!

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after divorce, dealing with divorce, divorce and emotional health, divorce blog


You know you “should” feel it. Everyone from scientists, to psychologists, to the most popular self-help gurus, touts the benefits of practicing gratitude. Yet, when you’re in the middle of (or trying to recover from!) a bad divorce, you’re not usually sitting around counting your blessings! Sure, being grateful when life is good is easy. But how can you be grateful when your entire life is falling apart around you?

Silhouette of a man in the sunrise. How to be grateful.If You Want to Know How to Be Grateful, You’ve Got To Start Where You Are

For most of us, practicing gratitude requires a massive mindset shift. We spend our days frantically running from one thing to the next. We rarely find a quiet moment to think, or to relax.

We’re constantly stressed out by all the things we don’t have time to do. We judge ourselves for what we’re not. We condemn ourselves for what we are.

That’s especially true when we’re going through something like divorce!

Being grateful, as simple as it is, feels like an impossible task. We honestly can’t think of anything we have to be grateful for.

Sure, we all know we “should” count our blessings – even when we seem to have less of them to count! But doing something simply because we “should” do it never feels so good.

When we practice gratitude simply because we know we “should,” we transform something simple and powerful into an obligation.  Not only does that strip gratitude of it’s benefits, but it robs us of our joy. Practicing gratitude becomes just one more burden in our already over-committed lives.

It also becomes yet another reason to beat ourselves up. When we don’t make time to practice gratitude when we know we “should” we interpret that as just one more thing we are failing at.

The question is, when you’re mired in sorrow, anger, or negativity, how do you turn it around?

It starts with understanding why practicing gratitude is important. Once your reasons for starting a gratitude practice become clear, following through and actually being grateful becomes a priority instead of an afterthought.

Grateful woman in the rain with saying, "The more you practice gratitude, the more you see how much there is to be grateful for.."The Benefits of Gratitude

Mystics and sages from time immemorial have touted the benefits of gratitude. Now, they’re not alone.

In the Forbes Magazine Article, 7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude, psychotherapist Amy Morin identifies scientific studies that prove how gratitude can change your life.

  1. Gratitude improves your relationships. A 2014 study published in Emotion found that thanking a new acquaintance makes them more likely to want to form an ongoing relationship with you.
  2. Gratitude improves your physical health. Not only do grateful people experience fewer aches and pains, but they are more likely to take care of their health.
  3. Gratitude improves your psychological health. Being grateful helps you reduce toxic emotions ranging from frustration and envy to anger and regret. Practicing gratitude makes you feel happier.
  4. Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression. A 2012 study showed that grateful people are less likely to retaliate against others, even when they are given negative feedback. They were more sensitive and empathetic, and less likely to seek revenge.
  5. Gratitude makes you sleep better. In a 2011 study, subjects who spent 15 minutes writing down what they were grateful for before bed slept better and longer.
  6. Gratitude improves your self-esteem. Studies have shown that gratitude reduces our tendency to negatively compare ourselves with others. Grateful people are better able to accept others’ accomplishments without feeling bad about themselves.
  7. Gratitude increases your mental strength. Being grateful not only reduces stress, but it helps you overcome trauma. Two separate studies found that practicing gratitude decreased the instance of post-traumatic stress disorder in soldiers and increased resilience in victims of terrorism.Hands opening to a word cloud of gratitude on a starry purple background

5 Ways to Be Grateful Even When Life is Rough

Practicing gratitude while you’re going through a divorce is exactly the opposite of what most people think they should do. It’s definitely the opposite of what most people want to do. They want to wallow in their sorrows. Yet while you THINK wallowing will make you feel better, it actually makes you feel worse.

Mind you – there’s nothing wrong with wallowing in your misery or feeling sorry for yourself while you’re going through a divorce. Those are very natural human behaviors. The key, though, is to limit your wallowing.  Most people continue to wallow for far too long.

Once you understand how much practicing gratitude can change your life, motivating yourself to actually be grateful becomes a little bit easier. What will make being grateful easier still is finding ways how to be grateful that are simple and quick.

Here are five different gratitude practices that will take you less than fifteen minutes a day.

1. Start a Gratitude Journal.

Spending five minutes every morning and evening thinking about what you have to be grateful for can completely change your day.

Dr. Robert Emmons and Dr. Michael E. McCullough conducted a study where they instructed two groups of participants to write 10 sentences a week on various topics. One group wrote about things they were grateful for. The other group wrote about things that displeased them. A third group wrote about random topics. At the end of the study, the group who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives.

If writing about random things you are grateful for feels too unstructured for you, try using The Five Minute Journal. It’s a handy little book that will help you focus on your blessings, and on your daily “wins.” I’ve used this journal myself on and off for years. Even though I know it shouldn’t matter, having this “official” gratitude journal keeps my daily gratitude practice way more on track.

2. Use a Gratitude Jar.

The idea of the gratitude jar is similar to keeping a daily gratitude journal. The difference is that having a gratitude jar that sits where you can see it all the time can act as a more powerful reminder to count your blessings.

Using a gratitude jar requires you to become aware of the blessings in your life. When something good happens to you, write it down. (You can also write down the bad things that have happened in the past when you realize that they were blessings in disguise.) When you experience an act of kindness, or you achieve a goal (no matter how small), write it down.

Put all of your random writings into the jar. When you’re feeling down, or you can’t think of anything to be grateful for, pull out some of your papers and read them. They will remind you of how many blessings you have that you forgot about! (FULL DISCLOSURE: This idea is based on Tim Ferriss’ “Jar of Awesome.”)

Shadow puppet of a hand making a monster shadow with the words, "What you resist not only persists, it expands," Carl Jung.3. Focus on What You Have, Not What You’ve Lost.

Psychologists and quantum physicists both know that what you focus on expands. What’s more, what you focus on, you When you’re going through a divorce and you’re focused on everything you’ve lost, you feel miserable. That’s why listening to sad music when you’re going through a breakup makes you feel so much worse.

Don’t believe me?/Go listen to “Let it Go,” by Idina Menzel, “Since You’ve Been Gone,” by Kelly Clarkson,  “Before He Cheats,” by Carrie Underwood, or “Over You,” by Daughtry.  How do you feel? Now go listen to “Unbreak my Heart,” by Toni Braxton, “Someone Like You” by Adele, “Let Her Go,” by Passenger, or “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” by Bonnie Tyler. Now how do you feel? Enough said.

 If you want to turn your feelings around, stop focusing on what you lost. Focus on what you have. Count your blessings. Make a list of everything you have. Don’t let yourself get up until you’ve written at least 100 things you still have. (Yes, you can!)

4. Think About Those Whose Lives are Even Worse.

Yes, this one is a little bit morbid. But, it still works!

Part of the reason we all walk around feeling so terrible all the time is that we focus on everything we want that we don’t have. We compare ourselves to those who have more than we do. Or, worse, we compare what we have with what we think we “should” have. When our real lives don’t measure up to our ideal of the perfect human life, we feel like crap about ourselves.

Remembering how much better our lives are than 90% of the rest of the world can help put things back into perspective. Sure, when you’re going through a divorce your life sucks for a while. That’s especially true if your divorce is not exactly amicable. But, you’re still alive. You have food. You have clothes. You have somewhere to live. You have more opportunities in your life when you’re at your lowest than most people in the developing world have when they are at their best. That may sound corny, but it’s true. Don’t forget about it.

Small girl saying a thank you prayer with saying, "If the only prayer you said in your whole life was "thank you," it would be enough."5. Say “Thank You” Every Day.

It’s so simple. Saying, “Thank you” when someone holds a door, or smiles at you for no reason, or does you a kindness. We don’t want to believe that something that simple actually matters. Yet it does.

That’s exactly what Attorney John Kralik learned in 2008. At that time, his law practice was losing money, he was going through a painful second divorce, his relationship with his sons was strained, he was afraid he was going to lose contact with his daughter, he was living in a small, miserable apartment, and he was 40 pounds overweight. While hiking in the hills on New Years Day, Kralik made the life changing decision to focus on what he was grateful for, instead of what he had lost.

In A Simple Act of Gratitude: How Learning to Say Thank You Changed My Life, Kralik documented how writing one thank you letter a day for 365 days changed everything. Little by little, Kralik became financially stable. He lost weight. He gained some real friends. Would that have happened if he hadn’t made saying “thank you,” a daily practice? Pick up his book and see for yourself.

Practicing Gratitude Can Change Your Life

No matter how you cut it, feeling grateful when your life is a hot mess takes discipline. It takes courage. Yet, the rewards you can reap when you do it are both boundless and real.

So many people make the mistake of thinking that, before they can feel grateful they have to DO something, or BE something, or HAVE something. They put off practicing gratitude because they feel bad. “I’ll be grateful when I feel better,” they tell themselves. They don’t realize they have everything backwards.

Feeling grateful is not what you do when you feel better.  Feeling grateful is what makes you feel better.

What’s more, practicing gratitude is a habit. You can develop it with practice, just like any other habit.

For most of us, “feeling grateful,” isn’t something we ordinarily do – especially when we’re going through a divorce and feeling down. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t do it. It just means that we haven’t been taught to do it. We haven’t developed our skill at feeling grateful.

If you’re feeling down and depressed, instead of wallowing in your sorrows, try counting your blessings instead. Do it every day. Do it whether you feel like it or not. If, after three months of practicing gratitude every single day, you still feel terrible, you can quit. You won’t have lost anything.

But, if after practicing gratitude for ten minutes a day you find that you feel better, or that your life is looking up, well, mission accomplished!

Oh, and, by the way – thanks for reading this!

_______
As my way of saying “Thank you” to you, I’m giving you my best divorce checklist for FREE. Just CLICK THE BUTTON below and get your FREE Divorce Checklist NOW!

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  • I have begun doing this very thing. My relationship of 39 years (and marriage of 32) is ending. I’ve reconciled that I can’t turn around a relationship that is not wanted. Whenever I wallow in self-pity, I remember it can always be worse and that there is much to be grateful for.

  • My husband, who is a Pastor is divorcing me. We married in 2010 and I resided in One state where I worked and he was a Pastor in another state. I quit my job in 2015 because I wanted my marriage to work. After I moved to his state, he began to be cold and unaffectionste. After about six days I asked what I had done and he used profanity and told me I was fake, clingy, had no faith, did not understand ministry, he was not happy with me, that I faked orgazm, and numerous other negative things. He told me to go home. I asked him to pray with he and he said no. I got a flight and as I tried to gather some of my belongings in tears, he stood in the door and said tgstvi just wanted someone to feel sorry for me. Since that time I have been severely depressed, have seen psychiatrists, psychologists, and I cry all of the time. This has been the hardest thing for me. He comes to this town because his family lives here but he never has asked if I need anything. I have not seen him since June 10, 2015. I aid his home off, invested in his church, joined his church and he never acknowledged me as his wife. I need for this pain to go away. I would appreciate any help you can give. Yes, I have prayed and prayed for God to save my marriage even after all of the hurtful things that he said to me.

    • I can hear how tormented you are. I understand that you want to save your marriage. But, since you asked for my help, I’m going to be honest with you, even though I don’t think it’s at all what you want to hear.

      Let me start by saying that, if you want me to tell you how you can save your marriage, or that you should save your marriage, or that you need to pray harder so God saves your marriage, you are probably going to want to stop reading right now and forget you ever found my website. (Sorry!) I’m not trying to be mean. But I don’t think that telling you want you want to hear is going to help you at all. So, know that if you don’t want my advice, stop reading now. If you don’t believe what I say or it doesn’t work for you, that’s totally fine, too. Do what you feel is best for you. It’s your life.

      But since you asked me, I’m going to tell you what I think.

      First, if you haven’t seen your husband since June, 2015, even though he has been in and out of your town during that time, your marriage is over. (Again, sorry!) There is nothing left to save.

      Is that what you want? No. Of course not. But the sooner you finally accept that fact, the sooner you will start to heal.

      Second, Like it or not, you’ve got to let go. It’s time. It’s actually way past time. Hanging on to a marriage that’s over is what’s hurting you. I know letting go is hard. But if you want to move out of your pain, that’s the only way to do it.

      You’ve got to let go if you want to heal.

      Finally, you also might want to take a look at this book: Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, and Find Peace in Any Situation, by Colin Tipping. I’ve read it. There is a lot of wisdom in it. You also might want to check out You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay. That, too, is an amazing book.

      I wish you the best.

      Karen

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