Do you avoid talking to your spouse/ex unless you absolutely have no choice because dealing with them is just so draining? Does your ex ridicule, belittle, or scream at you – for everything? Are your spouse’s reactions to any conflict or disagreement way out of proportion to whatever is going on? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be dealing with a high conflict spouse.
What is a High Conflict Spouse?
A high conflict spouse is one whose behavior escalates conflict, rather than calms it. A high conflict spouse is critical, attacking, self-absorbed, and rigid. What’s more, even though your high conflict spouse will blame you for all of his/her problems, the truth is that s/he experiences a lot of conflict with a lot of other people, too. It’s not just you.
A high conflict spouse has four primary characteristics:
1. S/he has a lot of un-managed emotions. S/he has intense anger, fear, hysteria, disrespect etc. These emotions often surprise others and seem way overblown for the situation at hand.
2. S/he is prone to black and white thinking. Everything is all bad or all good. There is no grey.
3. S/he exhibits a lot of extreme behaviors. This may include physical violence, but also includes behaviors such as out-of-control yelling, obsessively contacting or stalking someone, or completely and totally ignoring someone.
4. S/he blames others for everything. A high conflict person does not take responsibility for his/her part in any conflict or misunderstanding. S/he attacks and blames 
someone else with the intensity of someone whose life is on the line.
Do You Have a High Conflict Spouse?
If you have a high conflict spouse chances are, you know it! You may not have known that there was a label for their behavior, but you have probably known for a long time that your spouse’s behavior was different, more emotional and intense, than other people’s behavior.
The problem with having a high conflict spouse is that, once you have finally had enough and decide to divorce them (or they decide to divorce you – it really doesn’t matter because it will be all your fault anyway) their already horrible behavior only gets worse. If you thought they were manipulative, angry, critical, rigid, deceitful, self-absorbed, self-sabotaging and maybe even violent, while you were married you can only imagine what their behavior is going to be like when you start divorce!
How to Handle a High Conflict Spouse
Handling a high conflict spouse is not easy. But there are techniques you can use to reduce the conflict to a manageable level. Here are 5 tips to help you handle your high conflict spouse:
1. Minimize Contact. If you have children, you will have to have contact with your spouse, at least until the children are adults. But, do your best to limit the contact with your spouse to only what is absolutely essential. Avoid face-to-face contact at all times. If, for whatever reason, you absolutely have to see your spouse, don’t be there alone! Bring someone with you and/or arrange to see your spouse in a public place.
2. Only Communicate in Writing. The less personal contact you have with your spouse, the easier it will be to contain the spewing venom. If possible, communicate only via email, or an email-based parenting program. If you have to text, do so, but limit your texting to emergency situations involving the children. Otherwise, you may subject yourself to a constant barrage of ranting texts at all times of the day … and night.
3. Establish Written Rules. If you are going through a divorce with a high conflict spouse, try to set down the “Rules of Engagement” as soon as possible. Establish a written visitation schedule for the kids early on, then stick to it. If you are using mediation or collaborative divorce, you can write up a simple agreement that everyone signs that will set out the financial rules during your divorce. If you are litigating, you may need to get a court order to establish those rules. Whatever you do, try to write clear, simple financial requirements that will hold your spouse accountable while the divorce is going on. Otherwise, your spouse’s bad behavior is likely to be all over the boards and there won’t be much you can do about it.
4. Realize that its Not About You. When your spouse is verbally attacking you, calling you every bad name in the book, and accusing you of the sorts of atrocities that are typically only seen in war crimes tribunals, it is hard not to take it personally. What you need to understand is that, at a fundamental level, your high conflict spouse feels threatened. S/he is simply lashing out defensively to protect him/herself. So, while your spouse’s anger may be directed at you, it is really not about you. It is about your spouse. Always.
5. Don’t Take the Bait! When your high conflict spouse yells at you, and you attack back, you fan the flames of the conflict. When your spouse accuses you of all sorts of horrible things, and you try to defend yourself, you only make the situation worse. It doesn’t matter that your spouse is lying. Your spouse can’t hear your explanations, or recognize that s/he may be “stretching the truth.” I know it is easier said than done, but, if you can train yourself not to respond emotionally when your spouse is screaming, lying, or verbally attacking you, you will be well on your way to a more peaceful existence.
Go Easy on Yourself
Divorcing a high conflict spouse is probably one of the most difficult things you will ever have to go through. But, remember, your high conflict spouse was probably not Prince or Princess Charming while you were married either. Staying in a high conflict marriage only prolongs your stay in hell.
Use your divorce as an opportunity to learn better techniques for handling, not just your ex, but all high conflict people. Try to turn this difficult experience into one that you see as a painful time of personal growth. In time, your contact with your ex will get smaller and smaller. Your kids will grow up. You will move on. And you will find happiness and peace in a new life.
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This article was based upon the work of Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. For more information about high conflict personalities, visit the High Conflict Institute or check out one of Bill Eddy’s many excellent books:
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It is so hard to not take the bait! I’ll feel like I’m doing well, not getting pulled into arguments. Then something happens and I lose my will power to not fight back. He says the meanest things to me, blaming me for everything, distorting the facts and assassinating my character. Usually my tipping point revolves around the kids.
He has told my 9 yr old daughter that he does not trust me and that mommy lies!! That really throws some serious negative energy into my world of parenting. I found this out when I gave my daughter some advice, her response was, why should I listen to you, daddy says you lie!!!
I do not speak poorly of their dad at all. In my mind that is the worst thing you can do. I will do my best to not pull the kids into this battle to the divorce finish line.
I need to remember to not get pulled in. When I feel anger, just get off the phone and block his txts for the night. Remember that!
I totally get it! Not taking the bait is really, really hard. Don’t beat yourself up for getting sucked in sometimes! You are only human. I admire you for trying, and for taking the high road and putting your kids first.
Here is a tip that might help. Try using understanding. If you can try to understand him and where he is coming from, it will change the way you hear what he says, and make it easier for you to not react when he purposely pushes your buttons (and he will!). So, for example, if you know that he had a bad childhood himself, try to see how his actions now are just an extension of the pain he felt when he was a kid, and the pain he feels now. Try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine how incredibly awful it must feel to be him right now. When you do, you will start to understand that his actions, which look like they are aimed at getting back at you, are just his desperate attempt to make himself feel better. They are not really about you at all. They are about him.
Now, please understand that this does not mean that you should let yourself be a doormat, or that you should stoop to his level. Not at all! Understanding him is not an excuse to accept his bad behavior, past, present or future. It is just a way for you to start looking at his behavior differently so that you can better manage your own behavior. It is a tool for you to use to keep from reacting when he tries to push your buttons.
As for your daughter, when she says “daddy says you lie” you might want to try using logic with her. Encourage her to think for herself, rather than to blindly accept what anyone (not just her father) says. Ask her whether she can remember a time when you lied to her. Ask her if you ever did anything on purpose to hurt her. Ask her if you ever intentionally gave her really bad advice. Then listen to her responses. If she can’t think of a time you lied to her, she will start to see that what her father is telling her is untrue. She will also understand what is going on between you on a much deeper level because she will be figuring it out for herself.
Best.
Karen
Thank you Karen! I love your advice, really helps me to get back to a balanced place.
You’re welcome! Glad it helps!
Hi Karen
I am not usually a high conflict person, but from what I’ve read here, I am definitely behaving this way with my wife, though it doesn’t involve violence, mostly verbally and emotionally. This morning was the first time I told her that I am considering separation so we can assess and see if we want to be with each other etc.
I think my HC behaviour was brought about by my past track and and a previous marriage that was hectic for me and also how I always let people walk over me and was very passive and naive.
With my current wife, she is the softest person I know, very emotionally sensitive. I learnt about her more after we married and I realize that I couldn’t deal with it, even though other men might deal with those things better, I just couldn’t. – Honestly, the cause of high conflict started from something I found out about her that was equally disturbing to me that ended my previous marriage. If there ever was a bubble that popped, this information really went Hiroshima.
I started learning that my wife has other really bad psychological issues like severe depression from childhood, her parents split and she ended up at her gran, whose neighbour molested her badly – twice. Her gran beat her up regularly until finally her mom came to get her. – Life with her mom and her step dad wasn’t great either.
Her step dad was and still is like a hermit, in the house. He will not talk or engage with any of his family or kids and comes home each day, goes straight to his room and stays there, every single damn day. – But if you went into the room and talked to him, he seemed and seems okay and just tired. – BUT he used to be very rude to her and stern. While only having her mom to turn to, her mom would beat the crap out of her if she did anything her mom thought was wrong or a mistake etc. – Beat her out cold, and she would wake up from that only because she could still feel her mom beating her body and that would wake her up. – SAD. SICK.
While we are married, her mind seems to be missing blocks if that makes sense. Her memory is quite bad, her anxiety levels are sky high at times and she cannot articulate explanations well because she simply gets to nervous to talk, make chit chat, or socialize in general. When I met her and even now, five years on, she has ZERO friends. She has tried to make a friend on the train to work, but soon I realized that she felt that girl was competing with her, or she would find silly issues to think that girl doesn’t like her.
These things she has tried to change, but when the droppings hit the fan, she has this uncontrollable urge to run back to her mom. – Now that shes married and living out of the house, her mom is very sweet to her and she says that her mom is sorry for the past and realizes that she messed her up etc. – but her mom always makes her feel like no one can understand and love her like her mom does. – And whenever she feels she is in a tough or confusing situation she goes to her mom.
Now, all of this, has brought out my issues in life. I find that I have no patience with her like a loving man or husband should for this beautiful person. I have tried to advise, be her husband, and kind of felt like had to be a dad here and there. – I don’t know, I’m not a psychiatrist. – Until it has reached this point where I really care about her, a lot, I feel so bad for her and what shes going through in life and with me, and her past, and her fear to be her own person, depression, anxiety. – She needs a lot of love and attention and reassurance, and romance.
Yes romance, this is something I am really not feeling with her. Of course the man initiates it, but I don’t know, I don’t feel romantic with her, like I would normally if I liked a girl. – Her ex boyfriends would shower her with gifts etc. – and rightfully so, and she deserves that, but because of my issues above I can’t seem to be that way with her.
We are very quiet around each other. We don’t watch movies, she cannot understand some of the plots, or jokes, and refuses to even care to try, she can’t stand talking too much, she gets confused and tired, or will say I am too loud when I am talking the same tone I talk to with everyone in my life, and we don’t watch movies because she always has to put the volume on it’s most lowest level, and then we sit and watch pictures. She says the loud noises make her nervous and tense. – And then while sitting there, she would fall asleep.
She wanted to learn how to pray, and this was one of the fundamental things I really wanted to marry her for. – But when we got married, and I treid to teach her the prayer, and I am normally, or was before we got married, a very understanding teacher. She even sees how I teach people about stuff here and there and they love it. – But with her she took criticism way too personal and said that she will never learn from me and that I am too serious, which I am somewhat, but nothing overboard or something to make you think that I am too much. – So that MAJOR part of what I thought would also be romantic and bring us together when we started out, was totally scrapped and never to be heard from again. – my frustrations were quietly building up, until something in me snapped as well. – And now I do portray what you described about High Conflict spouses.
What are your thoughts or advice?
Today, was the first time I admitted how I feel with her, and she is very sad, and so am I, I look at her pictures and I want to cry like a baby because she looks so beautiful and soft and sweet, and everybody in my family avoids her, and she’s like an angel. She’s easy to love and to live with, but the strain of learning about her has made me fall out of love somehow. I would stay with her if only I could take a break now and then. – But it looks like it’s going to be worse than that.
I can hear your sadness coming through what you wrote. It sounds like you see how soft and sweet your wife is, but, at the same time, that is not what you want in your wife. You feel that you need something more, something different. It also sounds like you are trying to change your own behavior, but are not sure how to do it.
I can’t tell you why you are acting and reacting in a way that you don’t want. I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. What I do know is that, if you want to change your own behavior, you can absolutely do that. To do it, though, you will probably need some help. You need to start to understand what is motivating you, and to get the tools you need to be able to control your own behavior and emotions in a productive way. You CAN do all of that. But, it will be way easier — and much more likely to be effective — if you get the right help.
The foremost expert in the area of High Conflict research is Bill Eddy. He has created the high conflict institute, and he provides guidance and insight to those in high conflict relationships. While I would expect that a lot of his work centers around providing the people who have to deal with a high conflict person with resources, I would also expect that he also has tools to help people who may be experiencing high conflict behavior in themselves with resources as well. Here is a link to his website: http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/individuals.
I applaud you for having enough insight into your own behavior to have recognized that you are not acting the way you want. The fact that you want to change is an enormous first step toward actually making the changes you seek.
I encourage you to continue working on yourself. Find a good therapist who can help you unpack your own emotions and give you the tools to deal with them differently. It sounds like your wife could probably benefit from therapy as well. However, that is something only she can decide to do. Meanwhile, focus on yourself, and getting the help that you need to become the person you want to be.
I wish you the best.
Karen
My situation starts with my husband was in the military in colorado. He got of the military and wanted to go back to his home town where his daughter lives. I didnt want to go because his family is very rude to me and always tried co parent my other kids that are not of this marrige. Also my husband would act poorly when we would go to his home town on his leave days.Before he got out i pretty much told him i am not going with him. But then guilt of making him choose between his son and his daughter over powered me. He started saying how things would be amazing if we could just go back to his home town where both of us would have his family to help us. First off the agreement was that we would only live with his family for no more then three months. When we got there i got a job in less then a month he still to this day almost 5 months sense we lived here in Idaho he still does not have a job and lives with his family. Anyways three months into being in Idaho i got surved with the divorce papers while i busted my but with only three days off in a months. With in that months him and his family made me question my mental being first i was put on the medication for depression then i was put on bipolar medication to come to find out that there is nothing wrong with me besides mild ADD. Now iam argueing the point that idaho does not have jurisdiction over my son because i still have a job in colorado and my car registration and all of my banks are through colorado and the fact that we only lived in idaho now for 5 month. Although there are two cases one in idaho that he originaly filed and the one in colorado that i filed now they are moving the court date in idaho because my husband still has not paid a retainer for colorado attorney and because the two judges might not have time to come together before the hearing on the may of 16th. However my husband has training for national guard in june so now i feel as though ill be stuck in idaho through almost whole summer and i feel as though he baited me to come here his family and him knew what they wore doing i only have my son every other week and i had to cut my hours just to be able to have him during the week from 6am to 7am. I feel as though all of this is on purpose and i can not afford to live in idaho while in colorado i can support my family with no issue. So i guess i just dont know what else i can do at this point besides getting more and more in debt and play the waiting game.
You certainly have a lot on your plate! I wish I had some wonderful news for you, but, sadly, I don’t.
It sounds like you have lawyers in Idaho and Colorado. If you don’t, you need to get them on board now. You need good, solid legal advice in both states. You also need to ask your lawyers to be straight with you. You need honest advice about where your case is likely to end up, and what it will cost you to fight your case in two states. Ask the lawyers to explain your best and worst case scenario if the case stays in one state, and your best and worst case scenario if the case stays in the other. Ask them to give you their best estimate of how likely it is that your case will stay in one state or the other. (Is there a 20% chance your case will stay in Idaho or an 80% chance?) With that information you will be in a better position to decide what you want to do.
No matter what you do, as you probably know, this is going to cost you money … probably a lot of money. The worst part is, no one can tell you exactly how much it is going to cost. What’s more, you might be exactly right. Your husband may have baited you to go to Idaho. Unfortunately, that doesn’t matter much any more. You are there. Your son is there. You have to deal with your situation as it exists right now. Denial won’t help you.
I’m not sure whether there is anything else you can do at the moment besides wait. But you might want to ask your attorneys for their advice about that. Is there something that you can do that will make it more likely that a judge will allow you to move your case to Colorado? If so, do that. If not, then just wait. (Whatever you do, DON’T do anything that will hurt your case!)
In the midst of all of this, don’t forget that your primary focus should always be on your son. Keep a solid relationship with him, and do your best to do what is best for him. That’s really all you can do.
Best.
Karen
My wife is this type. Currently I’m kicked out of the house because of conflicts with her. To be fair I did have an affair and it obviously hurt her badly.
Our whole marriage has been me giving into her demands because I just don’t want to deal with her temper tantrums which usually turn violent. She latterly wants to fight about EVERYTHING.
I think a lot of why I’ve stayed over the years has to do with kids and my own irrational fear that I can’t get along without her. In some ways the affair was a manifestation of me trying to take some control of my own life( that’s prolly an excuse though)
It’s so hard to put to words. How I’ve felt over the years, but your article hits so close to home. Thanks
You’re welcome. I hope it helped!
Karen
I went through a high conflict divorce about 2 years ago. The best advice I got was to not communicate with your spouse any longer. Let the attorneys handle everything. It might cost you a fortune but it saves your sanity. I filed for divorce after a long term marriage when I caught my husband cheating with a co worker half of his age. They are both cops and hooked up on their nightshifts . Yes I was devastated at first. And then I was angry. I cut it all contact and took him to court. I have a great life now without being lied to or cheated on. In a high conflict divorce you have to gain the upper hand and that’s only possible with the help of s good powerful attorney. Thank God for good attorneys and great alimony laws in Florida.
I’m so glad everything worked out for you. Going through a high conflict divorce is really rough! You absolutely need a good lawyer to help you through it!
Karen