If the thought of going to a divorce hearing terrifies you, you’re not alone. Divorce court is terrifying – not only because it’s completely different than anything you’ve ever experienced before, but also because you have so much at stake. Actually, you have everything at stake.
If you want to make it through your divorce hearing successfully, you can’t waltz into it without first understanding how divorce court works. If you expect a real divorce court room to be anything like what you see on T.V., you’re going to be sorely disappointed. You’re also likely to be wildly unprepared.
Unfortunately, being unprepared in divorce court is never a good thing.
What’s the Difference Between a Divorce Hearing and a Trial?
Before you can start to get yourself ready to go through your divorce hearing, you first have to understand exactly what a divorce hearing is.
Strictly speaking, a divorce hearing is a court proceeding at which a judge takes evidence and makes a decision about some issue in your divorce. The “evidence” may be in the form of written documents, or digital records (like email). Or it may be actual testimony from you, your spouse, or another witness.
A divorce hearing is different than a divorce trial. A divorce trial happens at the end of your case. At trial, a judge decides all of the outstanding issues in your divorce. Once that’s done, the judge grants your divorce and it becomes final.
A divorce hearing usually happens while your divorce case is pending. (You can also have hearings on post-divorce issues, too.) At a divorce hearing, the judge will typically resolve whatever issues are pending before him/her for hearing. But the judge is not deciding every issue in the case.
The judge’s ruling on any issue presented at a hearing is normally temporary. It stays in place until the final divorce trial occurs. The final divorce judgment usually (but not always) replaces every temporary ruling in any divorce case.
Typical Divorce Court Hearing Issues
Divorce court hearings can be held on a variety of different issues. Some of these issues are:
- Temporary Custody (in Illinois this would be a Temporary Allocation of Parental Responsibilities);
- Temporary Child Support;
- Contribution to a Spouse’s Divorce Attorney’s Fees;
- Temporary Spousal Support;
- Discovery Disputes;
- Issues Surrounding Your Home (i.e. Who Gets To Live In It And Who Pays For It While The Divorce Is Pending):
- Protective Orders;
- Contempt of Court for Not Following Court Orders;
- Temporary Restraining Orders; and
- Other issues that need to be decided before trial to move your case forward.
The way that a divorce hearing is conducted to resolve those issues, depends a lot on where you live, and how the court system in your area operates. Even still, most hearings are conducted in a fairly similar way.
What Happens in a Divorce Hearing (in General)
The divorce court room that you walk into may have hardwood walls, impressive furniture, and a white-haired judge who looks like he’s straight out of a Hollywood movie. But, it probably won’t. Real court rooms can be beautiful. But many of them are old, outdated and seriously cramped for space. Real divorce judges come in every size, shape, gender and age.
The way that your divorce hearing will be conducted varies depending upon where you live, and how your particular court system operates. Some divorce court systems use hearing officers to handle preliminary matters. Others only use judges: your divorce judge conducts every hearing him/herself.
Regardless of who rules on your case, most divorce hearings proceed in a very similar way. The clerk calls your case. You, your lawyer, your spouse, and your spouse’s lawyer then either all step up to the judge’s bench, or you sit at tables in the court room while the hearing proceeds.
The lawyers will do most of the talking at the hearing. You may or may not be asked to testify during the trial. If you are, you will have to swear to tell the truth before you testify. (Yes, this part really is like TV!)
The lawyers will argue your case for you. If you don’t have a lawyer, you will have to argue your case yourself. That is NOT a great idea, but if you have no lawyer, you have no choice. After the hearing is over, the judge will issue a ruling (decision) on the issues presented. That ruling generally (but not always) stays in place until the end of your divorce.
How to Get Through Your Divorce Hearing with Ease
If you want to get through your divorce court hearing successfully, you must be prepared. That preparation includes knowing how to physically get to the right court room at the right time. (If you’ve never been to court before, it’s not as easy as you might think.) It also includes knowing what to expect in a divorce hearing, and how to conduct yourself appropriately.
Here are some of the things you need to know.
20 Tips to Help You Prepare For (and Get Through) Your Divorce Hearing
1. Be Smart About What You Take With You To Court.
Most (if not all) courts require you to go through a metal detector before you get into the building. That means that you are not going to be allowed to carry in guns, knives, explosives, and other dangerous weapons into the building. (I once got stopped for carrying in a pair of scissors … and I’m a lawyer!) If you couldn’t get through an airport carrying something, you probably won’t be able to get into a court house with it, either.
2. Know the Court Rules about Cell Phones, Cameras, Purses, Bags, etc., BEFORE you go to Court.
Some courts won’t let you walk in the door with a cell phone if it has a camera in it. (… which is pretty much every cell phone made since 2002.) Others have restrictions on bringing in laptops, bags, food, coffee, and lots of other things you may not have thought about. When you’re already stressed out about going to court, the last thing you want to do is to have to run back to your car to drop off all of the stuff that you can’t bring into court with you. Ask your attorney, or check out the court’s website, about what you are permitted to bring into court before you go there.
3. Get to Court Early
You never know how long it is going to take you to get through security and into your court room. What’s more, sometimes court rooms get changed. (If one judge is sick, all of the cases on his/her call may be transferred to another judge for hearing.) That means you may have to play “musical courtrooms.” Since you don’t know where you’re going, and because judges don’t like it when you’re late, do yourself a favor and get to court early.
4. Expect to Wait
Just because you get to court early doesn’t mean that your case will be heard right away. Unless your case has been specially set for a hearing at a time when no other case is scheduled (which is rare) there will be LOTS of other cases set for hearing at the exact same time as yours. The judge may go through all of the cases that just need status dates or quick decisions first, and then do the hearings. Or, the judge may go through each case in the order listed on the court call. When your case is called depends on how your judge manages his/her court call. So don’t assume that you will get out of court in any less than a half day – ever.
5. Dress Appropriately for Court
When you go to court you need to show a little respect. Your clothes should be neat, clean and pressed. Don’t wear anything provocative or weird. If you have a bunch of tattoos and piercings, cover them up. Yes, you have the right to express yourself through what you wear. And, of course, the judge is supposed to decide your case based upon what you say and do, not what you wear. But judges are human too! Be smart. When in doubt, dress like you would if you were going to church with your grandmother. (If you wonder what is okay to wear in court, check out Dressing for Success: What to Wear to Court.)
6. Don’t Be Surprised if Your Case Gets Continued
Hearings and trials get continued all the time. Even if your case has been set for a hearing, that doesn’t mean it will really take place. Court calls, like airlines, are always overbooked. Most of the time, enough cases fold that the judge actually has time to hear the cases that need hearings. But sometimes, everything that was set to go is ready to go, and needs to go. If no other judge is available to pinch hit, someone gets bumped. That’s just the way the system works.
7. Hearings are Time-Limited
Most of the time, judges allot a certain period of time for certain hearings. Your divorce hearing may get an hour or two. Or it may get a half hour or less. Occasionally, divorce hearings may be conducted for days. But that’s rare. So it’s critical that your lawyer presents the most important, relevant evidence and law in a very short time. The exact evidence and arguments that will be the most important in your case will depend upon the issues you are presenting to the court. Your lawyer will know what documentation you will need to prove your case. Make sure to check with your divorce lawyer in advance so that you bring all of the documentation you need when you go to court.
8. Not Everything You Care About is Legally Significant
When you are going through a divorce and your heart is like a throbbing piece of raw meat, it’s easy to over-react to the stupid things your spouse does. When that happens, you will be tempted to call your lawyer in a panic, demanding your day in court. The problem is that a lot of things that you find to be completely unacceptable have absolutely no legal significance. So either your lawyer will try to talk you out of running to the judge about those issues, or s/he will let you run up your legal bill going to court for hearings you are almost guaranteed to lose. Either way, it will seem to you that your spouse is “getting away” with all kinds of craziness. Maybe s/he is. But, if you’re smart, you will pick your battles wisely.
9. The Judge May Try to Resolve Your Issue Without a Hearing
Some judges will try to see if they can settle your issues before your lawyers dive into a full-blown hearing. If that happens, you may be asked to compromise whatever issue you are presenting to the court. Since settling on your own gives you much more certainty about what will happen in your case then letting the judge decide your issues however s/he sees fit, settling is almost always our best choice (unless your spouse is being completely unreasonable). But, settlement conferences take time. So, if the judge holds a settlement conference, and you don’t settle your issues, you may not have time to finish your hearing. In that case, you will have to come back to court for your divorce hearing again.
10. Understand That The Lawyers and the Judge are Colleagues
It can be unnerving when you are in court and you hear your lawyer and your spouse’s lawyer laughing with the judge behind closed doors (or even in open court!). It seems disrespectful to you and to what you’re going through. What you may not realize is that the lawyers and the judges work together all the time. They may not be “friends,” but they probably have had many cases together. That’s actually a good thing. If your lawyer and your spouse’s lawyer hate each other, they will fight tooth and nail over every little thing. Meanwhile, you will pay for that fight. You don’t need that. So when you see or hear the lawyers laughing while you are desperately trying not to fall apart in the middle of the court room, don’t take it personally. Really, it’s not about you.
11. Real Court is Not Like TV
Going to court is one of the most stressful yet anti-climactic events you will ever experience. The lawyers and the judge speak in language you only sort of understand. Most of the time, you don’t get to talk. You never get to tell your story. You’re not sure what’s going on. Then, suddenly, the entire hearing is over and the clerk is calling the next case! The end result is that, even if you “win” your hearing, you’re probably going to leave the court room feeling empty and confused. Of course, if you lose, you’ll be angry too.
12. Be Prepared to See (and Maybe Sit Next to) Your Spouse
It’s one thing to know in your head that you will see your spouse in court. It’s quite another to be sitting next to him or her five minutes before you are about to be locked in battle over some issue that you find enormously upsetting. If you can get to court early and find a spot that’s far away from your STBX, that can help. Meanwhile, do your best to keep your cool. It also helps if you interact with your spouse as little as possible while you are in court.
13. Do Your Best Not to React to Your Spouse
When your spouse (or your spouse’s lawyer) is talking in court, control yourself! Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, or interrupt and scream, “That’s not true!” Your credibility and demeanor are important. If the judge feels that you are being disruptive or disrespectful the judge will weigh that against you. If you feel that your spouse is lying, quietly pass a note to your lawyer telling him/her exactly what is untrue. Your lawyer can cross examine your spouse at the appropriate time. Finally, wait until it’s your turn to talk. Remember, your hearing time is limited. The more you interrupt, the more time you waste.
14. If You Testify, Stay on Point
When you finally get a chance to testify, you may get the urge to tell the judge everything. Don’t do it! Launching into a long-winded story filled with irrelevant details will either bore or aggravate the judge. Remember, you don’t have all day to tell your story. Only answer the questions that you are asked. Keep your answers short. Don’t volunteer information. While you may not get the emotional satisfaction of having been able to “tell your story,” you probably will present a much more legally compelling case.
15. Don’t Make Stuff Up!
When someone asks us a question we don’t know the answer to, many times we give that person the answer we think they want to hear. We don’t mean to lie. We just don’t want to disappoint the questioner. So, we guess at what we think the answer “should” be, even when we don’t have the foggiest idea of what the answer is. Don’t do that when you’re testifying! If someone asks you a question and you don’t know the answer, say, “I don’t know.” If you’re nervous and can’t recall something, admit, “I can’t recall that.” Finally, if you don’t understand the question, say, “I don’t understand what you’re asking.” Never, ever make up an answer. Period.
16. Answer the Question
When a lawyer asks you a question, answer it! Don’t play dumb! Don’t beat around the bush and pretend you don’t understand something that is patently obvious. Your credibility is an important element of your case. If the judge doesn’t believe a thing you say, you’re toast. So, don’t try to be smart and avoid answering tough questions. It’s much better to admit the truth, even when it’s hard. In the long run, that will get you much farther than pretending that the only thing you can remember when you’re on the witness stand is your name.
17. Don’t Argue With Your Spouse’s Lawyer
When your spouse’s lawyer is trying to make you look bad, it’s natural to want to defend yourself. That’s exactly what your spouse’s lawyer is counting on. S/he is trying to make you lose your cool. When you do, you’re more likely to say things in anger that you will regret. You’re also much more likely to blurt out information you never meant to say. In short, when you argue with your spouse’s lawyer you have everything to lose, and very little to gain.
18. The Judge (or Hearing Officer) Will Make a Decision Based Upon the Evidence Presented
Hearings are always based on limited information. Judges (and hearing officers) can only decide cases based upon the law and the evidence presented to them. If certain evidence is not presented at the hearing, it doesn’t count. The problem is that, since you only have a limited time to present evidence, it’s almost impossible to get everything put before the judge in the limited time allotted to you. That’s why settling your case is usually smarter than letting the judge decide it. Rarely, if ever, do you get to tell the judge your entire story.
19. Losing a Hearing Hurts, But It’s Not the End of the World
Temporary court orders are exactly what they sound like – temporary. If the judge has issued a ruling you disagree with, you may have another chance to present your arguments at trial. Based upon the facts at that time, the judge may make a different ruling. That having been said, temporary rulings are still extremely important, especially on issues like child custody (i.e. decision-making responsibility) and parenting time arrangements. Once your child’s schedule with you and your spouse has been set, it can become set in stone. If your child appears to be doing well with a parenting schedule that has been in place for many months (or years) it may be difficult to get a judge to change that schedule at trial.
20. The Judge’s Ruling at a Hearing Usually Stands Until Your Divorce is Over
Once you’ve had your hearing and the judge has ruled, you will have to live with the judge’s decision for some length of time – usually until your case is tried or resolved. Of course, like everything else in the law, that “rule” isn’t absolute. Sometimes you can get the judge to reconsider his/her ruling. Sometimes circumstances change so the ruling can be revisited. Still other times the judge will include a time limit within his/her ruling (e.g. the judge may order you to pay spousal support for x months, after which time the judge will revisit the issue). Finally, you and your spouse can both decide that you want to do something other than what the judge ordered. In that case, you may be able to jointly ask the judge to modify his/her order based upon your agreement.
Getting Through Your Divorce Hearing With Ease
Let’s be honest. There is nothing “easy” about going to divorce court. Divorce hearings are stressful and full of uncertainty. But, if you’re careful, and you prepare well, you can get through them successfully.
That doesn’t mean that you are guaranteed to win every hearing you have. Even if you have the best lawyer on the planet, that just doesn’t happen.
But, if you understand how divorce hearings work, and you take these tips to heart, you stand a much better chance of getting through your divorce court hearing with confidence and maybe even a little bit of class.
____________
Another thing that can help you understand what you need in your divorce, as well as your divorce hearing, is a checklist. (HINT: Lawyers use them all the time!)
Get your FREE DIVORCE CHECKLIST NOW. Just CLICK THE BUTTON!
Send me My FREE Divorce Checklist
Karen, I have been married for 20 years. In the past few years my husband and his mother have decided he needs to be single. They decided it would be better to take me off of all joint bank accounts, and my husband even went so far as to sign our family home over to his mother, without my knowledge. Stating that they did this to prevent me from getting it in a divorce. The house was only in my husband’s name, which I didn’t realize. We built the house together in the 11th year of our marriage. We are currently still legally married, however, he and his mother have now denied me access to our home and all my possessions there within, even going so far as to call the police on me and have me removed for trespassing. What legal recourse do I have? I have filed for seperation, but would like for my daughter and I to be able to go back to our home.
You need a lawyer asap!
I can’t tell you exactly what your legal options are because I can’t give legal advice online, or outside of Illinois. But, you really need to talk to a good divorce lawyer in your area as soon as possible.
Time is not your friend in this. The longer you wait, the more chance your husband will have to take actions that you may not be able to correct or change. I know that getting a lawyer may not be something you really wanted to do. But, it’s what you need.
Good luck.
Karen
Thanks so much for sharing this article. It was very very
informative.
You’re welcome!
i filed for divorce iam permanently disabled married for 20 years wife works for the United States postal service for 30 years stay home dad kids are older now youngest is 20 my wife knows she might have to pay alimony she faked a injury and is out on comp but. goes out oartying all the time and she sings at different events she has held on to her financial affidavit untill i had to request a judges intervention what can i exspect
I wish I could tell you exactly what to expect, but I don’t have a crystal ball. That being said, I can tell you that human behavior is consistent. If your wife was willing to fake an injury to lower her alimony payments, she’s probably willing to be dishonest in other ways just to get the upper hand. Whether or not she will be successful is hard to say.
I suggest that you get a good lawyer who can help you get to the bottom of what’s really going on. Ask your lawyer what your realistic chances are of getting support. Find out how much you are likely to get and for how long. Ask how much it will cost you to try to prove that your wife is faking her injury. See if you can have a clause put into your divorce agreement that says that if your wife starts making more money, you can also get more support.
Once you have all this information, you will be better able to decide whether fighting for more support will be worth it to you or not.
Hope that helps.
Karen
Hi. I have been married a little over a year. And my husband and I decided to call it quits. We do not own a hime. We do not have any children together. The only thing we “share” are the cars that are both in my name. We have agreed to refinance plans to reflect each the owner of one particular car. I do not want alimony. I just want to go out separate ways. Out hearing is scheduled for June. Is a lawyer necessary? I do not have them means neither does my husband. I just want this all to be over with. 🙁
So many typos. I do apologize.
Getting legal advice during a divorce is always a good idea. But, that doesn’t mean you need to hire a lawyer to stand by your side from start to finish.
Your circumstances seem pretty simple and clear cut. What you didn’t mention is whether your husband agrees with you on every issue. If so, getting a divorce without a lawyer will be easier. If not, then you definitely need legal advice. (You also didn’t say whether your husband has a lawyer. That makes a difference, too.)
You can hire a lawyer for a one hour consultation. You can ask the lawyer to review your paperwork and let you know if it’s okay, or if you’ve missed anything. Doing that will cost you a few hundred dollars. But it will buy you peace of mind.
Can you go it alone? Of course. Will you end up okay? Lots of people do, but you have no guarantees. A small investment in an hour of an attorney’s time now could save you from a world of heartache later.
Karen
Karen, I have a hearing schedule for tomorrow. I am very anxious and nervous. I’m not bringing a lawyer with me. My spouse is out of the country , he went to live back in Portugal. He agrees to the divorce and had signed all the papers and documents. But when I filed for the divorce I filed for a 1B instead of a 1A by mistake,as if he didn’t agree to the divorce. I had to send the documents for him to sign in order to change the case but I won’t be getting these papers for another month. Any tips for tomorrow on how I should present this case in front of the judge tomorrow…. Thank you!
I’m so sorry I got to this late. Unfortunately, with all of the work I have to do, and the number of emails and comments I have to respond to, I can’t respond to everyone every day.
I hope your hearing went well.
Karen
Hi Karen,
My husband and I have amicably decided to divorce after 8 years of marriage and 12 years of living together. He filed for divorce and hired a lawyer, but I do not have the financial means to hire a lawyer for myself. We have agreed to settle, and because he has controlled my life financially for so long (I have been a stay-at-home mom for most of our time together while he works full time) I’m not going to ask for Alimony or child support. I really want nothing from him asside from the funds he is going to give me for buying me out of the house, which is $25,000. I feel like I may be selling myself short, but I’m just ready to move on and do this on my own, without him financially supporting me. We have two children together and I want to move out of state as soon as possible with our youngest, who is two. We have agreed that he will keep our oldest, who is 10. We own our home, he has obtained many assets throughout our marriage, and he owns the cars. I have nothing whatsoever in my name because he makes the money and pays the bills while I stay home and raise our kids. I also have no assets or anything of value as far as possessions go. Is there any advice you can give me so that I can be prepared to represent myself in court? I have never gone through a divorce before, but I am my STBX’s 3rd wife. I don’t want to seem completely naive to the judge by not asking for anything. Am I being stupid for not asking for more?
Thanks!!
Joanna
Joanna,
I would never tell anyone that they were stupid. You are definitely not stupid. However, based on what you said, I will tell you that you are being EXTREMELY naive and are well on your way to making what could quite possibly be a HUGE mistake! You are about to do something that you will likely regret a LOT after your divorce is over.
Please, please go get some legal advice! Many lawyers give initial consultations for free. A lot of states have laws that will require the spouse with money to pay attorneys fees for the spouse who has no money. So, there are ways for you to get legal advice, even though you think you can’t afford it. Plus, even if you have to put $500 on a credit card, that will probably be the best $500 you ever spent.
I don’t want to create a conflict, or make your divorce worse than it otherwise would be. But, there are so many problems with the scenario you laid out here, that you truly owe it to yourself — and to your kids — to find out what your real options are! To do that, you need to talk to a lawyer in your area.
Don’t represent yourself. Don’t go through this alone. Please talk to a lawyer. You can do what you want to do after you’ve gotten proper legal advice. You can ignore the advice if you choose to do so. But you owe it to yourself to make an informed decision. That’s NOT what you’re doing right now. (Sorry!)
Good luck.
Karen
My husband has filed for divorce and the hearing is in 3 weeks. I now live 6 hours away. I’m in agreement with our no-fault divorce, and I do not plan to attend the hearing due to the distance. My only concern is that he carries my daughter’s (Not his child) medical insurance. I do not have benefits with my job but have been applying and seeking full time employment with benefits. He plans to drop my daughters coverage as soon as we are divorced. Can I request for him to continue paying her medical ins. until I have a job with benefits? Would the judge even consider awarding that if I am not at the hearing?
Cindy
I would definitely talk to a lawyer in your area about this. I’m not sure whether the judge would make your husband continue to carry medical insurance for a child who is not his, but you need to talk to a local lawyer and find out! (… and soon!)
Meanwhile, I would start investigating “Plan B.” Try negotiating with your husband and see if there is any way he will (or even can) continue to insure your child until you can get coverage for her. Get in touch with a health insurance broker and see what your options are for getting other medical insurance for your daughter. She may be eligible for insurance through the state. Also, if her biological father is around, I would see if HE has insurance he can put her on.
If all else fails, I would consider attending the hearing and seeing what the judge will do. That’s not a great option, and the judge could say “no.” But if you don’t try, the answer will be “no” for sure, so you have nothing to lose.
Karen
Hi my name is Laurie I’m 28 yrs. Last March of this year I filed for divorce, we have been separated for over 5yr. Our separation was due to he’s infidelity he now has two kids, oldest one 5/6yr old we had no kids, I filled under with no kids A1 and no goods in between (financial or material) We have scheduled for the hearing date on this following Friday he has decided not to go and send he’s lawyer, he’s illegally in USA so he’s not to of a court person. Due to him having a lawyer should I be worried and hire a lawyer as well or should I wait to see what he has under he’s sleeve?
You ask a really tough question.
First of all, it is always wise to get legal advice in your divorce, especially if your spouse has a lawyer. You may not need to hire a lawyer to represent you throughout your whole case, but you definitely should at least consult with a lawyer about your legal rights and responsibilities in divorce.
As for whether you should be worried because your spouse’s lawyer is going to court for him, while you will be going alone, I can’t say. I’d have to know a whole lot more about the facts and circumstances of your case. I also would have to know the law of your state. (I am only licensed to practice law in Illinois.)
The bottom line is, I can’t tell you what to do. But it never hurts to talk to a lawyer.
My husband wants a divorce and after waiting and waiting for him to file I filed. He is 18 years older than myself and he has been diagnosed psychotic and delusional and I was afraid for my safety and now he is in a independent living facility. hIS LAWYER SEEMS TO BE DRAGGING HIS FEET. aNY ADVISE?
The only thing I can tell you is to get your own lawyer and keep pushing for the divorce.
These things always take longer than anyone expects. What’s more, lawyers know how to drag cases out. Maybe that’s what his lawyer is doing. I don’t know. But I would consult with a lawyer and find out.
Also, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to be a little patient, too. If your husband has such serious mental health issues, that can make getting through the court system take longer.
Best.
Karen
My ex and I will be divorcing on Thursday, we both have no lawyers, no kids, not debt together. How long will the whole thing take? Are there certain questions I should look out for even though we have nothing to ties us?
I wish I could help you, but every state and every court system has different rules, so this is something I can’t give you any specific advice about. If you know an attorney in your area who could spend a few minutes with you and let you know what to expect, that would be the best.
If you are willing to help out, I have some questions to ask and see if I’m getting screwed or if the process is really this bad. Thank you.
The thing about blog comments is that they are all public. So posting your life history here is not a good idea. There’s also only so much I can do in a divorce blog comment.
If you’d like to work with me one on one as a coach, that would probably be a better choice. Here’s a link to my divorce coach page. To hire me as a coach, contact me through the link on the bottom of my divorce coach page or click here.
Karen