“If you had to give divorce advice to your best friend, what would you say?”
The question intrigued me. As someone who has been a divorce lawyer for decades, I’ve given my share of divorce advice. But what was my best stuff? If my brother, or my best friend, was getting divorced, what would I tell them?
When I considered that question, I realized that oftentimes, lawyers don’t give their clients all of their best divorce advice. It’s not that we are holding back. (Okay. Maybe some lawyers are!) It’s mostly that we are busy. We don’t think about it. We don’t remember.
So here, now is the divorce advice your attorney may – or may not – ever tell you.
Categories of Divorce Advice
Best Advice at the Beginning of Your Divorce
Legal Advice
Financial Advice
Advice Regarding Divorce and Your Kids
Advice for Dealing with the Emotions of Divorce
Important Self-Care Advice
Practical Divorce Tips
Bonus Tip
The Best Advice at the Beginning of Your Divorce
1. Make sure your marriage is over before you start pursuing a divorce.
It doesn’t matter how often you threatened to get divorced in the past. Once you actually take steps to get divorced, everything changes. You cross a line that can’t be “un-crossed.” Before you do that, make absolutely sure it is what you want to do.
2. Educate yourself.
Divorce is the most counter-intuitive process on the planet. If you don’t know how the divorce system works, you are much more likely to make mistakes that you will later regret. Having a lawyer, a therapist, and a financial adviser on your divorce team is great. But YOU still need to understand what’s going on in your divorce yourself. That’s why you need to educate yourself. Remember, no one will care more about your life – or your divorce – than you will.
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3. Set goals and make a plan.
Most people never take the time or put in the effort to decide what truly matters to them in their divorce. They don’t have clearly defined goals. They haven’t identified the one or two things they really want. So they just try to get everything, or anything, they can. As a result, they get something … but they often find that what they got wasn’t actually what they wanted.
Legal Advice
4. Don’t file for divorce until you have considered how you want to divorce.
Starting your divorce by going to court sets you up for a long and costly battle. Consider using mediation or collaborative divorce. Try settling your case before you ever go to court. If divorce arbitration is available in your area, find out whether that would be a better option for you. Explore all of your alternative dispute resolution options before you go to court.
5. Get good legal advice.
Whether you choose to retain a divorce lawyer for full-blown representation or not, you need legal advice. If you have to pay for a consultation, do it. Trying to handle your divorce yourself, without getting appropriate legal advice, is like traveling alone in the Middle East without a map. You don’t know where you are going, you don’t understand the language, and if you take a wrong turn somewhere you can end up in a world of hurt.
6. Find a lawyer who is on the same page with you.
The biggest problems people have with their lawyer is hiring someone who has an entirely different approach to divorce than the one they want to – or need to – take. If you want to try to resolve your divorce amicably, the last thing you need is an attorney who is a pit bull. On the other hand, if your spouse is abusive and has no problem self-destructing if it means taking you down with him or her, you need the pit bull!
7. Don’t expect the court system to give you emotional justice.
A judge’s job is to follow the law and decide your case. Period. While you may be interested in proving what a jerk your spouse is, I guarantee you, the judge doesn’t care. Most divorces are granted on the ground of irreconcilable differences. Unless your spouse’s bad behavior is legally relevant (and most of it isn’t) you will never even be able to talk about it in court.
8. Don’t use your lawyer as your therapist.
Lawyers are not trained to deal with emotions. Therapists are. Lawyers don’t want to hear about how you feel, or the argument you got into last night. That is what therapists are for. Using each divorce professional properly will get you better results than using your lawyer to do everything. Plus, therapists are cheaper than divorce lawyers.
9. Don’t let your lawyer pump you full of sunshine.
Some lawyers will promise you the sun, the moon, and the stars. They will stir the pot, start a war, then dump you when you run out of money. Don’t take the bait. If something sounds too good to be true – it is.
10. Remember that most divorce cases settle.
Even the best trial lawyers only try a very small percentage of their cases. The closer you get to going to trial, the more pressure you will be under to make a deal. Preparing for trial, and going to trial, costs a huge amount of money. Once you understand that, you will clearly see why making a reasonable settlement as early as possible makes sense.
11. Settle if you can: You don’t want a total stranger in a black robe deciding your future.
Everybody thinks they want their day in court – until they get it! That is when most people realize that they have placed their fate into the hands of someone who has never met them before, doesn’t know their children, and has only spent a few hours (or at most a few days) hearing about the facts of their case. Sadly, by the time the light bulb goes off, it is already too late.
Besides great divorce advice, you also need a great divorce checklist. Get yours now!
Divorce Financial Advice
12. Get copies of all of your financial documents as soon as possible.
If your divorce is amicable, you may be able to get your documents any time. But, when a divorce gets ugly, financial documents tend to go missing. Since it is impossible to know in advance whether your divorce will go smoothly (even if you want it to do so) the wisest thing you can do is to get copies of all of the financial documents you will need for your divorce as soon as possible.
13. Run your credit report.
In the emotional whirlwind of divorce it is easy to miss things. Running a credit report will remind you of all of the debts you have. It will also give you a heads up just in case you are listed as an obligor on your spouse’s debts, or you are obligated to pay debts you never knew existed. (Not that your spouse would ever open up a credit card in your name without your knowledge and consent …. but let’s just say that SOME spouses have been known to do this.)
14. Keeping the house may not be as important as you think.
So many divorcing people want to keep their house for the sake of the kids. Yet, keeping the house only makes sense if you can afford it. If you can’t buy your spouse out, or refinance, or make the payments on your own, then keeping the house is going to be a disaster! Your kids will be much better off living in a new place with a parent who is not totally stressed out all the time about money – especially if you end up losing the house to foreclosure anyway.
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15. Make financial decisions with your head, but temper them with your heart.
The financial decisions you make during your divorce can have repercussions in your life for years to come. To make the best decisions you need to think logically and rationally – not emotionally. At the same time, you don’t need to make decisions that are completely cold and cruel. The best decisions are those that were made with a balance between your head and your heart.
16. Don’t give up the farm just to be done.
Understand from the beginning that your divorce is going to take longer than you ever dreamed. The longer it takes, the more anxious you will be to get it done. The more anxious you are, the more willing you will become to give your spouse anything and everything, just to get your divorce over with. If you cave in and do it, six months later (and for years moving forward) you will be kicking yourself.
Advice Regarding Divorce and Your Kids
17. Put your kids first.
Yes, everyone says they will do that. But very few people actually do. Be one of those who is a good enough parent, and a mature enough person, to really do what is best for the kids, even if it hurts you.
18. Consider talking to a child psychologist to learn the best way to help your kids transition to a new normal.
While you may know your kids better than anyone else, you don’t know divorce. A good child psychologist can help you decide how to break the news of your divorce to your children in age-appropriate ways. S/he can also give you the tools to help your kids adjust to the divorce, and make you aware of any warning signs that will tell you your kids are not handling the situation well.
19. Mediate your parenting agreement.
Identify what matters most to you in your divorce as soon as you possibly can. Then keep your eye on the goal. Focus on what matters. Let go of what does not.
43. Don’t fight. It’s not worth it.
It will cost you more time, money, and emotional energy than you could ever imagine. Unless your spouse is either being completely unreasonable, or won’t settle until s/he literally gets a pound of your flesh (and there are some people who are that psychotic) do whatever you have to in order to settle your case amicably.
44. Know that you will lose some of your friends.
Yes, it sucks. No, it’s not fair. But it is going to happen. Some people will take sides. Some people will avoid you like the plague. You won’t be sure if it is because they are embarrassed and don’t know what to say, or whether they are worried that if they don’t keep their distance they will get infected with the “divorce disease,” too. Either way, you will learn who your real friends are.
45. Negotiate as much of your divorce yourself as you can.
The more you and your spouse can talk and negotiate your own settlement, the more time and money you will save in your divorce. Lawyers charge by the hour. The court system is notoriously slow. You don’t have to like your ex. You don’t have to agree with your ex. But the more you can talk to your ex and hammer out your own deal, the quicker, cheaper, and easier your divorce will be.
46. The cost of divorce is measured in more than just money.
Obviously, you don’t want to get taken advantage of in your divorce. But insisting that you get every last penny that you are “due” is not worth it if it costs you years of your life, and impacts your job, your health and your relationship with your kids.
47. Be careful who you listen to.
Getting divorce advice from your friends, your family, or your neighbor who got divorced two years ago, is a really bad idea. None of those people are divorce experts (even if they have been through a divorce themselves). They are not objective. Yes, you definitely want to lean on your friends and family for support while you go through your divorce. Just don’t rely on them to give you legitimate divorce advice.
48. Ignorance is not your friend.
It may sound cold, but the smartest thing you can do is to learn how to prepare yourself for your divorce. If you don’t know how divorce works, now is the time to find out. If you don’t understand your finances, get a financial adviser and learn. Finally, if you have spent so much time working that you barely know your kids, change that. Divorce forces you to step up to the plate in whatever area of your life you may have ignored before. Take the challenge, learn, and grow.
49. Your life is your responsibility!
You can’t out-source your divorce to your attorney, no matter how much you wish you could. Taking responsibility for your own life – your decisions, your choices, your finances, your kids.
50. Control (of anyone other than yourself) is an illusion.
You can’t control your spouse. Even if you were able to control your spouse during your marriage, once you start down the road of divorce you can kiss any thoughts of control good-bye. (And, if you couldn’t control your spouse while you were married, what makes you think that you will suddenly be able to do it now that you are getting divorced?)
51. Take time when making your decisions.
Some decisions have real time limits. Most don’t. Either way, do your best to take the time you need to make proper decisions in your divorce – even when your spouse is pressuring you to move faster. The more important the decision, the more you need to consider it carefully.
52. Give your spouse the time s/he needs to make decisions, too.
The more you pressure your spouse to make a quick decision, the more likely your spouse will be to stall or purposely make a decision that screws you. If you want to make your divorce harder, pressure your spouse to make decisions on your time-table. If you want to resolve your issues amicably, give your spouse the time s/he needs (within reason, of course).
53. Play the long game.
When you are going through a divorce it is way too easy to get caught up in a thousand different daily dramas. Doing that practically guarantees that you will be constantly locked in misery.
BONUS TIP
Remember that life goes on.
When you are first facing divorce, it seems like your life is over. When you are going through it, your life is hell. But once your divorce is behind you, little by little, you will build a new life. Believe it or not, you will be stronger. You will be wiser. You will be happy.
_________
This blog post was originally published on March 29, 2016, and updated on June 9, 2020.
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Even if you’re litigating the rest of your divorce, you owe it to yourself and your kids to try to mediate your parenting issues. Conflict hurts children. Resolving the parenting issues in your divorce sooner rather than later will ease your kids’ anxiety. (It will also lower your stress levels as well!) That’s why it’s worth a try to mediate your parenting plan, no matter what else is happening in the rest of your divorce.
20. Listen to your kids: The older they are, the more they need you to listen to them.
While very young children won’t necessarily have an opinion about your divorce, other than the fact that they may want you and your spouse to stay together, older children and adult children definitely will. While you don’t want to give your children the idea that they can control your divorce, it is important for them to know that you are listening to them and taking their concerns into account as you move forward with your divorce.
21. Parenting time matters, but fighting over minutes doesn’t make sense.
Yes, it sucks that after your divorce, you will no longer be with your kids all the time. But what you may not realize now is that, no matter how much you love your kids, you will appreciate not having them 24/7. Remember, after your divorce, your spouse won’t always be there to watch the kids when you want to go out, or when you are not feeling well. Sometimes, you will need a break. Remember that when you are tempted to fight over who gets an extra ten minutes with the kids each week
22. Don’t talk smack about your spouse in front of the kids.
Your kids love your spouse. S/he is their parent. They share your spouse’s DNA. When you tell your children about all the immoral, unethical, and downright horrible things your ex has done in your marriage, you are not just attacking your ex. You are attacking them.
23. Remember: Spouses divorce. Parents are parents forever.
It will be extraordinarily difficult to sit next to your ex at your child’s graduation if your attorney has just ripped him apart in court. The uglier your divorce, the harder it will be to co-parent after your divorce. Keep that in mind before you start World War III.
Emotional Advice
24. Get a therapist … Now.
You are going to be a train wreck for a while. Unless and until you deal with your emotions, you are not going to be able to make good decisions in your divorce. The problem is: divorce is filled with huge life decisions. You need someone who can help you deal with those emotions so you can think clearly. A therapist or a divorce coach can keep your emotions from over-running your brain. That way, you will be able to make better decisions.
25. Don’t deny your emotions.
No one enjoys being angry, sad, frustrated, or depressed. No one wants to feel abandoned, unloved, or betrayed. Yet, if you don’t allow yourself to feel your feelings, they will not just magically go away. They will become lodged somewhere in your psyche and will come out later – usually at the most unexpected and inappropriate times.
26. Decide that your divorce will only be a stage in your life. Don’t let it consume your life.
We all know someone who never got over their divorce. That person is bitter and angry. S/he is still spewing venom about his or her ex years (or even decades) after the divorce was over. Letting your divorce consume your life like that is a complete waste. Don’t do it.
27. Remember that you are NOT a failure.
Just because your marriage did not last until you died does not mean that you are a failure. It means you are human. Piling guilt and shame on top of yourself for being human only makes dealing with your divorce that much more difficult.
28. The first time your spouse introduces his/her new squeeze to the kids, you will come close to losing it.
This may happen during your divorce, or it may happen afterwards. Whenever it does, you will feel like someone just plunged a ragged butcher knife into your heart – and then twisted it around. You will want to grab your kids, throw them in the car, and immediately drive far, far away. Don’t. Suck it up, smile at your kids, and do your best to let it go.
Self-Care Advice
29. Physical violence is never okay. Ever. Period.
If your spouse is beating you or your children, that is priority number one! Get out of the house. Get a lawyer immediately. Do whatever you have to do to make sure you and your children are safe. If you are not safe, nothing else matters.
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30. Don’t try to go it alone.
Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a team to deal with divorce. You need legal advice. Getting a divorce without it can cause you problems for decades to come. You also need emotional support. Get a therapist. Join a divorce support group. Get financial and tax guidance, too. Not knowing the tax consequences of your divorce can cost you thousands! Trying to do everything yourself, just to save money, will cost you more money in the long run.
31. Prepare an elevator speech about your divorce now.
Talking about your divorce with your friends and family is going to be hard. Talking to business associates and casual acquaintances about it will be excruciating. Preparing a “canned” answer to the questions: “How are you?,” “How is (your spouse’s name),?” and “What’s new?” will give you a much better chance of being able to answer those questions without bursting into a blubbering blob of goo than you would if you don’t have a prepared response in advance.
32. Be kind to yourself.
You are not at your best. It’s ok. You don’t need to be perfect. Beating yourself up for the fact that your marriage failed helps no one, least of all you or your kids. Treat yourself as you would your child – with love, no matter what.
33. Remember that divorce is a marathon, not a sprint.
No matter how much you want your divorce to be done quickly, 99.9999% of the time, it’s not going to happen. As my colleague, divorce coach Kate Van Dyke, says: “Divorce only goes as fast as the slowest person.” You will be much better off if you try to go with the flow, than if you give yourself an anxiety attack over how long your divorce is dragging on.
34. Taking care of your body will make your divorce easier.
You can’t think clearly when you haven’t slept for days and are strung out on caffeine and sugar. You are in no position to make major life decisions when you haven’t gotten dressed or out of your bed for weeks. Divorce is tough enough as it is. Don’t make it worse by letting your health go down the tubes.
35. Check your expectations from the start.
Your expectations in divorce can make you miserable. If you expect your divorce to go one way, and it goes another, you will suffer. If you expect your divorce to be over quickly or easily, you will suffer. Understand that your divorce is probably going to take longer and cost more than you ever imagined. It is going to be more emotional and more difficult than you want. If you know that from the start, and you don’t expect it to be fast or cheap, you will be way ahead of the game.
36. Remember who you are.
You are much more than your divorce. While no one is at their best while they are going through a divorce, you don’t have to be at your worst either. How much is your integrity worth? What kind of role model do you want to be for your kids? If you spend your divorce doing things that you will regret, you will carry those regrets around with you for the rest of your life. That’s why it always pays to take the high road.
Practical Tips
37. Get a P.O. Box
You would be amazed at the amount of information you can get when you open the mail! That’s equally true whether the mail you are opening belongs to you or your spouse. To keep your spouse from snooping in your mail, do yourself a favor and get a P.O. Box as soon as you start your divorce. The Post Office still might misdirect a letter or two and send it to your old home, but at least you will be keeping most of your private affairs private.
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38. Change your passwords
Opening the mail isn’t the only way your spouse can discover information about you that you’d rather keep private. IF your spouse knows your passwords or has access to your email account, s/he can discover a wealth of information. When you’re going through a divorce, you need to create new passwords for all of your online accounts. Use a password you’ve never used before and that your spouse couldn’t easily guess. It also wouldn’t hurt to open a new email account either.
39. Safeguard your irreplaceable items.
There are some things that money can not buy. Pictures of your great grandparents, jewelry, and family heirlooms can all become painful collateral damage of your divorce. While you may want to believe that your spouse would never purposely damage, destroy or hide the things that you hold so dear, divorce often brings out the worst in people.
40. Stay off social media.
Nothing will hurt your divorce more than the damning pictures you posted on your own social media pages. It doesn’t matter if it’s pictures of you sipping cocktails on a tropical vacation with your new sweetie, or drunken selfies taken in a weak moment. All of those pictures can come back and bite you in your divorce. (Plus, stalking your soon-to-be-ex on social media is almost guaranteed to up the drama in your divorce.)
41. Don’t listen to your spouse’s trash-talk and fear-mongering.
If your spouse is telling you that you are never going to get a dime in the divorce, or that you are a home-wrecker and your kids are going to hate you forever, or any one of the thousand other horrible things that angry spouses yell at each other when they are hurt – don’t listen! Hang up the phone. Leave the room. This is not productive conversation. It is emotional crazy-making!
42. Focus on the big picture.
Identify what matters most to you in your divorce as soon as you possibly can. Then keep your eye on the goal. Focus on what matters. Let go of what does not.
43. Don’t fight. It’s not worth it.
It will cost you more time, money, and emotional energy than you could ever imagine. Unless your spouse is either being completely unreasonable, or won’t settle until s/he literally gets a pound of your flesh (and there are some people who are that psychotic) do whatever you have to in order to settle your case amicably.
44. Know that you will lose some of your friends.
Yes, it sucks. No, it’s not fair. But it is going to happen. Some people will take sides. Some people will avoid you like the plague. You won’t be sure if it is because they are embarrassed and don’t know what to say, or whether they are worried that if they don’t keep their distance they will get infected with the “divorce disease,” too. Either way, you will learn who your real friends are.
45. Negotiate as much of your divorce yourself as you can.
The more you and your spouse can talk and negotiate your own settlement, the more time and money you will save in your divorce. Lawyers charge by the hour. The court system is notoriously slow. You don’t have to like your ex. You don’t have to agree with your ex. But the more you can talk to your ex and hammer out your own deal, the quicker, cheaper, and easier your divorce will be.
46. The cost of divorce is measured in more than just money.
Obviously, you don’t want to get taken advantage of in your divorce. But insisting that you get every last penny that you are “due” is not worth it if it costs you years of your life, and impacts your job, your health and your relationship with your kids.
47. Be careful who you listen to.
Getting divorce advice from your friends, your family, or your neighbor who got divorced two years ago, is a really bad idea. None of those people are divorce experts (even if they have been through a divorce themselves). They are not objective. Yes, you definitely want to lean on your friends and family for support while you go through your divorce. Just don’t rely on them to give you legitimate divorce advice.
48. Ignorance is not your friend.
It may sound cold, but the smartest thing you can do is to learn how to prepare yourself for your divorce. If you don’t know how divorce works, now is the time to find out. If you don’t understand your finances, get a financial adviser and learn. Finally, if you have spent so much time working that you barely know your kids, change that. Divorce forces you to step up to the plate in whatever area of your life you may have ignored before. Take the challenge, learn, and grow.
49. Your life is your responsibility!
You can’t out-source your divorce to your attorney, no matter how much you wish you could. Taking responsibility for your own life – your decisions, your choices, your finances, your kids.
50. Control (of anyone other than yourself) is an illusion.
You can’t control your spouse. Even if you were able to control your spouse during your marriage, once you start down the road of divorce you can kiss any thoughts of control good-bye. (And, if you couldn’t control your spouse while you were married, what makes you think that you will suddenly be able to do it now that you are getting divorced?)
51. Take time when making your decisions.
Some decisions have real time limits. Most don’t. Either way, do your best to take the time you need to make proper decisions in your divorce – even when your spouse is pressuring you to move faster. The more important the decision, the more you need to consider it carefully.
52. Give your spouse the time s/he needs to make decisions, too.
The more you pressure your spouse to make a quick decision, the more likely your spouse will be to stall or purposely make a decision that screws you. If you want to make your divorce harder, pressure your spouse to make decisions on your time-table. If you want to resolve your issues amicably, give your spouse the time s/he needs (within reason, of course).
53. Play the long game.
When you are going through a divorce it is way too easy to get caught up in a thousand different daily dramas. Doing that practically guarantees that you will be constantly locked in misery.
BONUS TIP
Remember that life goes on.
When you are first facing divorce, it seems like your life is over. When you are going through it, your life is hell. But once your divorce is behind you, little by little, you will build a new life. Believe it or not, you will be stronger. You will be wiser. You will be happy.
_________
This blog post was originally published on March 29, 2016, and updated on June 9, 2020.
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I know thos may sound stupid- but, is their any instance where a ‘finalized’ divorce can be ‘overturned’ or can be declared a ‘mis-trial’? (I mean if there were ubeliebeable circumstances involved an years of documented abuse (even downright breaking of court ordered regulations thatcan be proved with hard evidence) ?
– Andrea
Andrea,
I can’t give you specific advice in your case, but, as a general rule, yes, a divorce judgment can sometimes be appealed or overturned. It is very hard to do, though, and I can’t tell you whether you will be able to do it in your case. Here is a link to an article I wrote about appealing a divorce judgment: https://divorcedmoms.com/articles/appealing-a-judges-order-what-are-the-odds-for-success
A mistrial can be declared, but only during a trial. Once the judgment is entered the trial is over.
It sounds like you need legal advice. I suggest you talk to a lawyer in your area to find out whether you have a chance at overturning your judgment or not. That is the only way you can get a complete answer to your question.
Best.
Karen
I have been divorced for five years.My lawyer was not interested in the many affairs he was involved in.He said forget it,and let’s focus on the pension plan he has.He said don’t worry if he takes everything like the furniture and hot tube that he put on my credit card.My ex stole 25,000 dollars from the safety deposit boxes we had at two backs.This was my Social security back payment.When I left him ,I went back the next day and all that was left was two penny’s in each box. My lawyer died a few years after my case was settled,however he gave me bad advice and my ex represented himself and my attorney met with him at lest two times that I know of.I want to take him back to court and sue him for the affairs he was in.There were at lest five that I know of.I feel I deserve alimony.Is this possible after five years?
I’m afraid I can’t answer that question. It’s a legal one. You’ll have to ask a divorce lawyer in your area.
My lawyer dropped me before we were setting dates for mediation. He wanted almost double what I payed in the retainer and there was no way I could afford him to continue representing me.
So now I have no legal guidance and trying to communicate with my son to be ex and settle any advice how to proceed from now on?. He doesn’t want to pay alimony after being married 12 years agree to some child support thinking won’t be much after taking over all kid expenses. What to do how can I represent myself from now on?
Hannah
Hannah,
Oh my! It sounds like you really need legal advice. Unfortunately, I can’t give it to you online or outside of the state of Illinois. (Sorry!) There is also way too much that you need to know. I couldn’t possibly put it all in one short reply to your comment.
But, here are a few things you can try.
First, read this article: Preparing for Mediation in 5 Simple Steps: Your Keys to Mediation Success
If you want, I also invite you to check out The Divorce Road Map 2.0. That’s an online program I created to help people understand and navigate the divorce system. It won’t give you legal advice, but it will help you understand how the divorce system (and mediation) both work. That will help you navigate them both better.
Finally, even if you can’t afford a lawyer for full-on representation, you may be able to consult with a lawyer about specific issues. Depending on the state you’re in, you may be able to find lawyers who will review your situation and give you legal advice, then let you take that advice and run with it yourself. (That’s called unbundled legal services.)
While getting complete legal representation would be your best option, if you can’t afford it, then Plan B would be to figure out how the system works, get some legal advice, and then do the best you can to represent yourself.
I hope this helps.
Karen
These are mostly good suggestions. But in Ohio there is very little pressure to settle before trial. My ex-wife’s attorney demanded an amount of alimony that exceeded my paycheck. The judge pointed out the absurdity of this demand, but the attorney would not go down a penny until the day of the trial. The judge applied no pressure to settle whatsoever. On the day of trial, the judge offered a settlement where I would pay more than half my income as alimony. I knew that this exceeded the maximum amount that could be garnished from a paycheck according to IRS rules. I had to go to trial to have any hope of having enough to live on. The final ruling after 4 days of trial was right at the IRS maximum. This was for a wife who always worked and had a master’s degree that I paid for.
It’s unfortunate that your divorce turned out so badly. The trouble with the court system is that it is often very unpredictable. That is why I encourage people to try to resolve their case outside of court. Yet, even that doesn’t work for everyone. Like it or not, you divorce the person you married. In some cases, that is your biggest problem.
Best.
Karen
Good recommendations. i would recommend a more concrete take care of yourself like yoga 5x/week. (aside from legal, the best piece of advice i never got) I’m still not the person i was before my high conflict divorce, the ex is an attorney, little things were exaggerated costing me many thousands. he’s of the legal brotherhood. what a joke.
I’m so sorry to hear your divorce was so high conflict. I hate to say it but sometimes divorcing a lawyer is the worst!
Thanks for suggesting yoga. I agree it can really help!
Karen
My wife is/ maybe cheating on me, I don’t have the whole picture but a lot of fitting pieces I do have, we have no kids , or accounts together but she does have loans taken out in her name on my car ( I am the primary on the registration) I tried to talk with one of the guys any he got defensive and flashed a gun on me, before I walked up to him I let him know I was coming but he still got defensive, she currently makes 17 dollars and hour , I have been unemployed for 1mth , what options do I have?
I wish I could answer your question, but there’s A LOT there! I couldn’t possibly answer it responsibly without knowing a TON more about your situation AND knowing the laws of your state.
I suggest you talk to a good divorce lawyer near you. That’s the best place to start.
Karen
That is good to know that great advice isn’t intentionally withheld. In order to get other lawyers great advice, you just have to try and remind them they have it. Thank you for sharing yours on an easy to read article though, this should help people a lot. Things like number 7 I don’t think I have heard before, but is really important to have done. You have to make sure you have everything in order for the court to make fair and informed decisions.
Glad the advice helped!
Karen
This is the Biggest bunch of BS I have ever seen. Through my experiences Its these divorce lawyers who should go to trail for everything they own with a jury they can’t manipulate..They steal everything you own. You’re caught in a trap. They buy the judges for profit. Total hypocrites. Lies. Lies lies. They string you along for money. I Believe All these domestic lawyers and judges should be behind bars..
I am sorry that you are so angry. You must be in a lot of pain.
Karen
That was a very antagonistic and emotional response. My suggestion would have been to not responded to his message or simply said you are sorry he feels this way. You give a lot of advice in your article about not being emotional. Maybe it’s clear that it’s much said than done.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I believe in you 100% brother. I noticed that she did not say anything about one spouse has attorney versus the other spouse’s attorney especially when they are both friends they say they don’t talk about this to themselves in private but I have found out that that is false that they do they go play golf together Etc and they talk which I know for a fact but I can’t prove it legally that’s why my divorce has been going on for 5 years now and I don’t have the money to hire an attorney because the two that I did hire that did nothing for me which in fact my two attorneys and my wife’s attorney we’re all friends because there are so many divorce attorneys in the area that they see each other in court all the time
It’s Called RICO and it is very very hard to prove but yes the lawyers and the judges are all in on it together. My judge had to be taken off the bench and they still haven’t fixed my divorce.
Can I request a temperary housing allowance, while I’m waiting for proceeding final judgment of back child support?
Request it from who?
Karen
Is it ever advisable to go to the temporary orders hearing with NO lawyer? I am fine with terms her lawyer presented, I really cannot afford an attorney because of our debt, even though I make decent money. I am hoping to save my marriage. My wife and I get along with each other. There is a small chance her lawyer might try to say that I was unfaithful, which is untrue. (Long story) We were not even separated until I was served the divorce (which I was very surprised about). She has agreed to go to counselling with me. Which is what we should have done, before she started all this. Thanks for the awesome blog!.
I’m glad you like the blog!
Is it ever advisable to go to court without a lawyer when your spouse has a lawyer? Not really. A lawyer goes to court for a living. You don’t. A lawyer knows the law and the court rules. You don’t. So, it is always risky to assume that you can go to court and represent yourself when your spouse has a lawyer, and still end up doing okay.
That having been said, I understand that not everyone can afford a lawyer. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. Hopefully, everything will go well for you in court.
On another note, I wonder whether your wife (and her attorney) would agree to put the case on hold for a few months while you try to figure out whether you can save your marriage? Doing that might give you a little bit more breathing room to work things out. What is positive is that you are in counselling together. Hopefully, that will help you two find your way back to each other.
I wish you the best!
Karen
The one thing I learned from going pro se at a nisi hearing. I did my research, I filed all my stuff, I showed up in court. But I didn’t know I was paying for the network between the Judge and the lawyers. Yes I believe its the biggest criminal organization in the world (family law)that is contaminated with greed. With that being said, my only recourse is to be sure I am at the polls when it is time to elect these “honorable” Judges. I use the word honorable super lightly.
wanna hear a crazy story?
Get in touch with me.
My divorce was the worst. Yes all the lawyers and the judges were bought by my ex husband. Even the second set of lawyers I hired were bought. My twins were 6 and my older child was 11. My ex husband walked away paying absolutely no child support, no add ons no college, no dental, no anything, zero nothing. I was forced into a settlement agreement after 2 years and 1 month before trial. I was forced to waive my alimony after a 20 year marriage, I gave up inheritance rights, legal fees, back child support and more. All we got was the apartment we live in. I was bullied and in fear for 2 years. I spent my life savings on the corrupt lawyers and was left with nothing. No matter how I complained how I kept saying what the heck is going on here, it was like I wasn’t even speaking. My ex had money and power and he won. I have tried to go back to lawyers who practically laughed at me and said you look like a smart woman and you willingly signed that agreement. Sorry we can’t help you. I would like to sue the state. This is horrible and corrupt. This system needs to change. The laywers look and see how they can take all of your money and my childrens rights were taken away. I should go on the news…..
spouse walked away from our 12 plus years of marriage on 8/3/2015 and moved back to Pennsylvania. When he left, the home was in foreclosure. When the home was purchased in 2008, Charles insisted he alone finance the mortgage loan. I am on the deed of the home. The loan was modified in 2013 and I was listed on the modification documents as responsible for the loan along with spouse
To save the home from foreclosure, I filed Chapter 13 and am working two jobs to keep what I now refer to as my home. I am current on the mortgage.
Charles disappeared and did not communicate plans for the home. I reached out to him and asked him to proceed with a divorce considering he left the marriage. When he did nothing, I asked him if he would consent to an uncontested divorce. He said yes. I drew up the papers and sent them to him, He signed and notarized the documents and returned them to me. The Marriage Settlement Agreement states I would reside in the home and take responsibility for the debt…
I filed the divorce papers in Gwinnett County’s Superior Court on 8/4/16 (Pro SE). I received a text from charlies on 8/18/16 informing me he was putting the home up for sale, Yesterday I listened to a message to me from a realtor directing me to allow them to do a walk thru the home so they could price the home accurately.
You need to talk to a lawyer asap! I know you filed for divorce pro se, but, you now need legal advice. You need someone to look at all of your paperwork, and advise you about what your options are. Please do not try to do this without talking to a good lawyer in your area.
Karen
my spouse cheated on me and was exposed to an STD. they continued to have sex with me even after they became aware of it and did not tell me they were infected. can i press criminal charges and how would this situation affect assets?
You are going to have to check with a lawyer in your area and ask that question.
Karen
* I am glad to see your article. I like it so much. And I think everyone does.
Thanks. Hope it helps!
Karen
Married for 14 years with two wonderful children. Prior to our marriage we both agreed that I would become the stay at home care giver once she completed medical school and residence. During her schooling, I essentially sacrificed my career in order to care for the children. Five years have passed and now she has taken a job and residence in another state. Leaving me and the children and saying that divorce is inevitable. Should I “strike first” and file for divorce on grounds of abandonment?or wait and see how it plays out? She currently continues to financially support the family.
I am sorry to hear that your wife has pretty much decided that you are getting a divorce. While I would normally suggest doing everything you can to try to make your marriage work before you call it quits, with the two of you living in separate states, working on putting a strained marriage back together will be difficult.
What you should do first is figure out what your options are. Learn as much as you can about divorce, your finances, your situation and your options. Talk to a lawyer and learn what you are facing. First you get a grip on what you are facing and you try to understand what your options are. Then you figure out what’s important to you in this whole process. In other words, you make your goals. Then you make a plan about how to achieve those goals. THEN you think about filing for divorce. Acting before you know what you’re doing could be foolish.
Best
Karen
PS I am currently working on a program that will provide people with a Road map through divorce. It will give divorcing people the information and education they need to understand what they are facing, assess their options, and make the best choices possible for themselves and their families. The program will help you choose the right divorce process, and the right attorney. It will help you get a handle on the parenting and financial aspects of divorce. If you would like to get on the waiting list and be notified as soon as this program is ready, just CLICK HERE.
Fantastic advice. And coming from a divorce attorney at that. Bravo.
Thanks!
Karen
If my spouse and I agree to co parent and stay under the same roof, do I have to leave the home while they’re getting served?
I’m afraid you’re asking legal questions I can’t answer online.
Sorry.
Separation is one of the good thing than divorce as it’s a kind of chance which was given to both the people and they have also the choice to change their decisions not to get divorced.
How about when one spouse want to get a devorice and she is very adamant and determine to go through it. Even though she is going through a rebellion mid life crisis can I request therapy for her on not making decision ? While and the other spouse will not sign divorce paper? Cause he trying to keep his family together
Divorce is rough – especially when one spouse wants a divorce, and the other doesn’t.
Can you ask your wife to go to therapy? Sure. Does she have to go? No.
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but if your wife is determined to get a divorce, there may not be much you can do to stop her.
You might want to check out this article: Help, I Don’t want a Divorce, But My Spouse Does! It will help.
Karen
It has taken four years to reach a settlement agreement . Before I sign, am I entitled to know his current savings accounts? Am I entitled to any of it since we are still married without a signed separation agreement?
Thank you
Those are legal questions you have to ask your divorce lawyer. I’m sorry, but I can’t give you legal advice online.
Karen
Elizabeth the answer is yes. Just ask the court for him to produce and up to date Financial affidavidt.
I hope I am not too late in making this comment. This should have been done during the “Discovery” stage of the divorce but, it’s not too late. I agree with Janet. Ask the court to have him produce his bank statements from a certain period to the present (He might have started withdrawing big amount of money from his account even before you filed for a divorce). If you live in a state that whatever income and/or property brought into your marriage, you are entitled to half of that. I filed for divorce in 2013 and during the “discovery” stage of our divorce, found out that my husband started closing the Share Certificates he opened and started withdrawing big amount until everything in his account were zeroed. Benefit wise, I did a lot of research and I knew pretty much what I could get out of this divorce. If you want to get in touch with me do it via Ms Karen Covey.
if a wife made is a higher breadwinner, can the husband collect alimony after a divorce if the kids are old enough to be on their own, or if the kids are on their own? thx
You have to check the laws in your state, but, in general, it doesn’t matter if you are male or female. If you are entitled to alimony, you are entitled to alimony. If you want to know whether you might be entitled to alimony in your case, check with a lawyer in your area.
Is there a way to find out how much money my husband has hidden from me? I know he has stock accounts but he does everything on line and says it’s none of my business. He does our taxes and forges my name on them. Would this info be on tax returns? And if so how do I get them? Obviously I am not financially smart and he is very smart when it comes to money. Thank you for any advice.
Yes you should be able to get all of the things you mentioned. If your spouse won’t voluntarily give you the financial documents you need in your divorce, you can get them through the divorce court system. Make sure to tell your lawyer that you don’t have these documents and that you want to see them. Your lawyer should be able to get these for you. (HINT: If you are not financially savvy, and you don’t have access to full financial information from your spouse, please do NOT try to go through your divorce without a lawyer!)
Karen
You also might want to check out this article: Do You Really Need a Divorce Lawyer?
My husband is an alcoholic. I’ve put up with it for close to twenty years. I did have some years of substance abuse but have come out of it. Everything we have, the house, the paid=off land I’ve paid for. We were living in VA but he wanted to move to DE to be close to his mother. We moved away from my family and have been living here for close to fifteen years. I was a legal secretary, made good money, owned a townhouse and then bought a house. However, when he entered my life the drug and alcohol problems began. Just as much my fault as his. I want out! but I feel trapped because I have recently learned I have leukemia, have stomach issues and no money to live on my own. I feel trapped and don’t know what to do. I haven’t worked in the last ten years (so I can’t get disability) because basically there is nothing in DE so my husband has carried the living. I have no family. I’m both sick physically and mentally, have no money and nowhere to go. What now! LOL
I can understand how trapped you feel. Perhaps it’s time to start looking for a way out.
Step one is to figure out what you want. You may know what you DON’T want. That’s not enough. You need to create a vision of exactly what it is that you DO want. Once you have the vision, the goal, then you can start to make your dreams into reality.
If you want to divorce your husband (and it sounds like you do), your next step is to figure out a way to support yourself. (Actually, even if you decide to stay married, finding a way to become self supporting will help you on a lot of levels.) That means you need to educate yourself. You need to analyze your current financial situation (assets/debts/income/expenses). You need to know whether, if you get divorced, you would be able to get support from your husband. You need to know whether you qualify for ANY kind of disability payments (perhaps Social Security Disability?). You need to truly understand how much money and income you have and don’t have so you can start making decisions.
Another thing you need to figure out is whether you can get any kind of a job, even if it is only part time. Maybe there are jobs available now that you don’t know about because you haven’t looked in so long. Maybe you can work virtually. (There are a lot of jobs now for virtual assistants. You can do those jobs no matter where you live.) The bottom line is that having an income gives you options. If you can’t work at all, I understand. But then you need to understand that your options may also be more limited. (Note, that I did not say you will have NO options. You just might not have as many options.)
Gathering and analyzing all of your financial information and exploring your employment options will take time and effort. It won’t necessarily be easy. But, if you want to move forward, taking these steps will help. When you get into action, you will start generating possibilities. You will also not feel as trapped as you do now. But the key is to start DOING things to move you forward.
I hope this helps.
Karen
My husband abandon me and our two children after 9 years of marriage, we do not own a house, we both work but I make more money than him , am I entitled to receive alimony or spousal support from him since he was the one who moved out?
Sorry, that’s a legal question. You’re going to have to ask that one of a divorce lawyer in the area where you live.
Dina,
The person who wins is the person who files.
So file and ask for alimony.
Umm, not necessarily. But if you need alimony that is definitely an issue you should explore with your lawyer. Also, remember, you may not get alimony if you ask for it, but you definitely won’t get it if you don’t ask!
Karen
I just recently went through a bad and messy divorce. He filed and had me served. Now that the divorce is over he still not doing what the court ordered him to do. I’ve reached out to my lawyer on several attempts to help me but I haven’t received a response. My ex been showing up late with my son and brought him back to me dirty and wet. I’m at my wits ends with this man. He wanted this divorce, I gave in to the divorce. Now he’s mad, angry at me. I’m trying to figure out what did I do to deserve this treatment. Yes I have moved on with my life with my son. Why is my ex trying to be so vindicative about everything?
I think you’re asking the wrong question. Asking “why” will just keep you spinning in your head. Why does anyone do anything? Who knows?!
The best thing you can do is stop asking “why” and start asking yourself how you can deal with your ex’s behavior in the most effective way possible. That’s a question you can answer.
Karen
PS You also might want to check out this post: “What are the 3 Divorce Questions You Should Not Ask?”
The why Question will drive you crazy! I was married 15yrs- He met some Facebook trash in another state. Told me the only way he was staying with me is if he could keep her on the side. Stay at home mom- thrown out of a house we physically built together. Harrassed, stalked and has threatened all of my family. Has Bashed and carried on humiliating and bashing on facebook, the other woman does the same. Has not followed any court orders/ calls me nasty names to our daughters when they are with him and this other woman. I left with kids n clothes in the middle of the night because of all the threats. I have a lawyer – But nothing he does seems to matter. We have temporary custody orders i agreed to cause my lawyer said that was best i would get i got 70/ he got 30. I found out the Judge was a Friend of A friend of his. Since all that his Harrasment, stalking and terror has continued- even posting my phone # on Facebook to get other people to harass. My attorney kinda seems to have disappeared wont return calls not even for payments. Trust me they can be mean and Evil- Its like they wake up one day and decide to be Dr. Jeykle and Mr. Hyde. And all you can do is try to remain calm and protect yourself the best you can. Hope you can focus on starting over in the war path they are determined to create- theirs no negotiations- their is no realistic views. Just what they want and need! A good marriage can end in a terrible divorce and you can be an innocent bystander in the wake of a spouse- that woke up one day as a different person-or pulled of the mask they were pertending to be.
Stay Strong-
Excellent advice – even for someone thousands of miles away in South Africa. Just starting out and this is going to hurt! 🙁
Hi Karen,
Emotions are high…filed for divorce in Aug., it was a long time coming. I previously told my spouse to begin to take out money of joint account after each of his pays on at least 3 occasions, he essentially refused stating “we can discuss later and I’ll need to discuss with my attorney.” I paid bills and grocery shopped, lived like I had when we were married. I filed for divorce he still continued to put his whole pay check in the bank. I filed for Spousal Support at the end of August, he continued to put money in the joint account until end of September. On Sept 20, I had 7 days to change household bills to my name which I did. At the spousal support hearing he sent his attorney. I took less than his obligation, not thinking but was trying to keep things amicable. After we all agreed on the amount his lawyer requested a master hearing for the overpayment of Support. I was dumbfounded. My soon to be ex had a spreadsheet of all I spent, ok. We were told at the initial support conference that any evidence that needed and or wanted to be heard, “spreadsheet argument”, needed to be provided within 7 days of Support Master hearing. We again complied with up to date pay stubs and taxes that were/are due. They did not comply. My attorney received said spreadsheet 2 days after we were suppose to get it. It clearly states on the DRO paperwork given to us all plus his attorney and mine signed it, that ALL evidence needs to be given to other party, they clearly did not comply. I must mention I reached out to the soon to be ex at least 5 times, my attorney reached out to my ex’s attorney via email and phone call but received nothing, my frustration lies in that my attorney thinks that the master may not re-run the numbers for support and may even consider the spreadsheet. We live in Pennsylvania. I am at a loss since we’ve done everything to comply. Any words of wisdom??
Unfortunately, I can’t give you legal advice online. I’m also not licensed to practice law in Pennsylvania, so I can’t tell you what might happen in a Pennsylvania court. What I can tell you is that it sounds like you just learned a huge lesson! (Sorry!)
The court system doesn’t work the way most people think it works. Many times, people miss deadlines, or don’t do things that they are supposed to do. Then, nothing happens. Other times, you can miss a deadline and get totally slammed. The system is not consistent and it is often not even fair (sorry!).
If you can negotiate with your husband outside of court by using a mediator, that would be the best. Settling your own case is almost always better than letting a judge or court master decide your case for you. But, if your husband won’t mediate and is determined to play out your divorce in court, then you have 2 choices. Either you work with your lawyer and you prepare yourself to fight, or you give up and give in. I know those aren’t great choices. But, sometimes, in divorce, you don’t have good choices. You just have to do the best you can.
Usually, giving in means accepting a settlement that is grossly unfair. Most people aren’t willing to do that. On the other hand, fighting in court is expensive and exhausting. Most people don’t want to do that either. But you have to do something. Most importantly, once you make a choice, you need to commit to it. If you’re going to fight, then FIGHT!
Your mistake last time seems to be that you cut your husband a break by taking less than the required amount of support, and you expected him to be fine with that. You didn’t expect him to take advantage of you. But, he did. You may not be able to change that now. But, you can stop yourself from making that same mistake again.
I’m not saying to be unreasonable. You don’t have to be a total jerk. You can let your ex and his attorney know that you’d rather negotiate than fight. But, if he won’t negotiate, you aren’t left with great options. Sorry!
Karen
Are men able to file for child support if the wife makes more money? Or how about stopping child support if the wife makes more money?
thank you
Both men and women can get child support. It doesn’t matter whether you are male or female. What matters is where the kids live most of the time, or who is the residential custodian for the kids.
You asked whether a man can get child support if the wife makes more money. With all due respect, that’s not the right question. The right question is who has custody of the kids (or where do they live most of the time.)
As for whether a man can stop paying child support if his wife makes more money than him, you’ll have to talk to a lawyer in your area about that. The answer depends on a lot of things. Don’t forget, though, that both parents have an obligation to support their kids.
Karen
Great information!!! I really got great information from your blog. Thanks for sharing this blog.
Your welcome!
I love your tip to be kind to yourself and avoid beating yourself up for the fact that your marriage failed. My friend is going through a divorce right now, and she’s really overwhelmed with everything that’s going on. I think it would be really helpful if she hired a reliable attorney to help her throughout the process. Thanks for your tips!
You’re welcome!
Thank you for your efforts Karen. I’ve launched a Facebook page: Divorce Care and Support to be of support to those going through the trauma of an unwanted divorce.
While I’m in a unique situation with earning 1/10 of what my wife does, there is immense need for reforms within marriage, family and divorce law. Lawyers have a significant conflict of interest in stretching out a divorce and stirring conflict all for the purpose of increasing fees.
No doubt many attorneys are friendly with one another as well as with judges. In my city there are only four family law judges managing 8000 divorce filings a year. What I’ve learned is they are so over burdened they rarely read all the paperwork, documents and more attorneys charge their clients for producing. They generally rely on motion filing communication and verbal in hearings.
As family law attorneys and judges have to work with one another weekly, they are all cautious to be overly zealous in presenting clients arguments, claims, rights, etc.
As a husband earning far less than a wife, we’ve observed an absolute bias on the judges part to be not rule within hearings as he would with the norm, spousal support or legal fees. With my wife having the ability to outspend me, (she’s spent $100k thus far in 12 months), and drag out discovery, file frivolous motions with court and letters to my attorney who has to bill me to read and respond, it’s a very imbalanced and discriminatory situation. I could go on and on however I do have these suggestions beyond yours:
1. Interview ASAP the very best attorneys in town as quickly as possible. Your spouse cannot hire them if you met with them, and, you need to evaluate multiple options.
HIRE THE VERY BEST YOU LIKE! Don’t try to save $100 or even $200 an hour on one who is not GREAT!
2. If you can’t negotiate mediation or settlement quickly and have to go down the long expensive road of hearings leading to trial, and can afford to, HIRE A LITIGATOR to manage hearings with your family law attorney as he/she will not hesitate to be aggressive when needed with opposing council.
3. NEVER agree to initial temporary order or modification of temp order terms you can’t live with for good! My first attorney told me they could be reviewed in 90 days. FALSE!! The judge held that what we agreed to within first order had to be held to and enforced going forward!
4. NEVER AGREE TO MOVE OUT OF YOUR MARITAL HOME! The court cannot force you to move or sell home until divorce is finalized! However, if you leave and/or agree to place it on market prior to final decree, you’re screwed and will spend more legal fees on wide variety of matters relating to home listing, offers, appraisals, sale, etc.
5. Maintain notes on all discussions and monitor/track time for every action with your attorney to compare with Billings you receive. If attorney doesn’t respond to an email, dispute their billing you for reading it!!!
6. Don’t hesitate to change counsel immediately if they are not properly responsive or vehemently defending your marital claims and any untruths directed at you to court in filings and hearings. They should be your #1 warrior and defender!
7. YOU ARE THE CLIENT! Speak up and demand your attorney hear you out and represent YOUR rights.
8. Continually review strategy with your attorney and if things aren’t going in fair and equitable direction then urge them to reconsider their strategy or FIRE THEM!
9. STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA!!
10. No spouse, opposing counsel, judge or court can take away what makes YOU SPECIAL, unless you allow their actions to through not taking good care of yourself and being your VERY BEST SELF!
Thanks for sharing your story and encouragement. Good luck with your FB page.
Karen
I feel like it would be a good measure of an attorney when they tell you about these things. That way, I would know if I was working with someone experienced and qualified. Thanks for these tips. I will keep this in mind if I ever need a divorce lawyer.
You’re welcome!
It would be nice to have advice on divorcing a person with a mental illness – i.e. Narcissist Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Also, when there was domestic violence, surely one isn’t obliged to always speak nicely about the former spouse. I think it’s important for the kids to know that their father, while acknowledging that they love him and miss him and wish things were different, is not healthy or safe. All of the advice I’ve seen in this article, except for one small comment about leaving if there is domestic violence, assumes that both people are healthy and relatively stable. The mantra that is repeated is to never speak badly of the ex spouse. But truth is truth. What’s more, domestic abuse is not always physical. It can be emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, and sexual. And if you think this is only applicable to a small percentage of people reading this blog, I assure you this happens more often than you think. What are the kids to think when they see mommy beaten or screamed at or big brother slammed against the wall and then all mommy ever says is, “Daddy loves you and is a good man.” Just saying you might consider writing an article about those types of cases, or at least state that there are cases where co parenting is simply not possible nor is it advisable. Just my two cents.
I agree. Divorcing a narcissist is very different, and so is divorcing an abuser. The truth is that divorce is complicated. Domestic violence happens all too often. Way too many people are having to deal with the heartbreak and drama that accompanies divorcing a narcissist. Yet, addressing every single possible angle of divorce in one blog post would create an article longer than War and Peace.
If you’re divorcing a narcissist, you might want to check out these articles too:
Divorcing a narcissist? 10 Survival Tips You’re Going to Need
and
How You Can “Win” When Divorcing a Narcissist
I haven’t written much yet about domestic violence, but it is definitely a topic that’s on my list.
Hope these help.
Karen
My wife and I have been married 41 years. She now wants a divorce because of my drinking. I’ve been in AA for 3 plus years. Stayed at several SLEs for over 2 years and still relapse. It just hurts her too much. I’ve never physically hurt her nor do I threaten her. I still love her and want her to enjoy her life.
I’m so sorry. I wish there were more I could say, but there is not.
Amazing Post and also very informative. Thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome!
Good Morning Karen, My coworker got divorced a year ago but is now wanting to renegotiate the financial part of the divorce. He has asked me to write a letter on his behalf, and he needs it ASAP. I have no problem helping him, I told him over a year ago he was giving her way to much, half of his retirement plus 1500.00 in alimony. They have two sons both in collage and he is paying for all of that, she is not helping at all. There is no house involved or any other assets. My question to you is, I know he wasn’t thinking clearly when they got divorced, he did not want to get divorced; she had a boyfriend. So how can I convey this to a lawyer? Any advice would greatly be appreciated.
I can tell you’re really concerned about your co-worker. It’s so kind of you to try to get advice for him.
I mean no disrespect when I say this but, if your friend wants to go to a lawyer and do something, that is something your friend needs to do himself. I’m sure your friend can tell a lawyer that he wasn’t thinking clearly when he got divorced. Now, whether that will make any difference at all now depends on a lot of things, including how long ago he got divorced, the details of the divorce, and the law of the state you live in.
If your friend wants to try to “un-do” his divorce judgment (which is what it sounds like you are asking) that’s a very difficult task. It may or may not be possible. I strongly suggest that your friend talk to a lawyer in your area asap.
Karen
Karen,
My divorce is ugly ,and for a while I have thought there is more to it.
I found out my husbamd attorney is planning on buying his assets. She made it clear all the things she does she does not charge him. Is there any information on a conflict of Intrest.
Thank you,
Ginger
I’m sorry, but that’s a legal question. You’ll have to talk to an attorney in your area to get an answer to it.
Thanks for the information
These tips are very helpful. Focusing on the children is important and being supportive of their relationship with their father is critical. He is however pushing for 50/50 physical custody. I don’t think this is best. I’m not trying to be adversarial or punishing, just want what is best for our daughter. He left with no warning and is pushing to agree to custody to be 50/50 every other week switch. I have an attorney. I don’t really want to fight, but don’t want to roll over and concede to what I do not feel is best for her. Shared custody? sure. 50/50? not so much. What do I do?
That’s a hard decision, and one that requires legal advice. All I can tell you is to talk to your attorney. Find out what your options are. Find out what pursuing each option will cost you. You could also talk to a child psychologist and find out what s/he thinks. That might help too.
My heart goes out to you. I know you’re just trying to do what’s best for your daughter.
I wish I could be more helpful. Unfortunately, so much is involved in these kinds of situations (including the law of the state that you’re in) that I just can’t accurately tell you more. (And I don’t want to tell you something that’s inaccurate!) I’m sorry.
Best,
Karen
Love the article. My biggest issue is I have went almost a month several times without hearing a word from my lawyer despite multiple calls and e-mails. Now I have to hear my ex nagging the crap out of me about stalling. Therapist only helps so much cause you can’t afford to see them but maybe once a week at that.
I’m sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, lawyers are not always the most responsive people on the planet. Keep after your lawyer. If you have to, you may want to consider changing lawyers. (I know that’s expensive and not always the best solution. But, if you can’t ever reach your lawyer, you might not have much choice!)
Hang in there. One way or another you WILL get through this!
It’s good to know that you should make sure that a divorce is absolutely what you want before pursuing any legal action. My brother and his wife have been fighting recently, and their both looking into their options for getting an attorney. I’ll pass this information along to them so that they don’t do anything that they might regret.
Great!
I like the tip you mentioned, really doing what is best for your kids. I have been going through the beginning stages of a divorce and have been very worried about what will be best for the kids. Maybe I should get in touch with a family law attorney and see what I can do to help the kids.
I loved that you mentioned that it is so important to give your spouse the time they need. My husband and I are getting a divorce. We will need to go through counseling and have someone mediate to make things easier.
Thanks for the suggestion to get copies of financial documents as soon as possible. My husband and I recently decided to file for a divorce. Things are looking fairly amicable, but we have quite a few investments and larger assets, so it could quickly take an ugly turn. I’ll have to start looking for a great attorney in my area who can help me work through the case.
Glad this helped!
I’ve been looking everywhere online for an article or anything at all that tells me about a cancellation fee for not going through with a divorce.
If someone is sent divorce papers to sign and right before the paper is signed and notarized there is a reconciliation, is it true that for not sending in the papers you can be charged in excess or nearly 2 thousand dollars? That just doesn’t seem accurate or right at all
You’re right. That doesn’t sound right.
I know you won’t get back any of the money you paid to the clerk of the court in filing fees. But I’ve never heard of a cancellation fee. I would ask this question of a good divorce lawyer in your area asap!
Help! I have filed. My husband moved out and took everything but the house. We have one minor child. He is constantly wanting her. I’m afraid to not let her go because he says I’m being controlling. How do I fix this? 😢
You need to get a parenting order in place. That will establish your schedule so that everyone knows when your daughter will be with each of you. You’re probably going to want to talk to a Texas divorce lawyer so you can get one in place asap.