Your marriage is a mess. You’re not happy. You and your spouse don’t seem to have anything in common anymore – except the kids. Some days, you wonder if you ever did. You’re thinking about getting out … but you’re afraid to get divorced.
Part of you says that you should just bite the bullet, get divorced, and move on. But the thought of all the chaos and conflict you’re going to have to go through in order to get divorced makes you want to throw up.
Plus, there’s the expense. You don’t want to spend your entire retirement account and your kids’ college fund on divorce lawyers. You don’t want to lose half of everything you own in one bang of the judge’s gavel. Most of all, you don’t want your lifestyle to take a gigantic hit just so that you can finally HAVE a life!
On some level you know you can’t keep going on like this forever. But you’re worried about how you’ll survive after your divorce. You’re not sure that you’re going to be able to support yourself AND support your kids AND pay for everything you’re going to have to pay for after your divorce is over.
You’re also worried about your kids too. Will your divorce ruin their childhood? Will they flunk out of school and end up as drug addicts or derelicts because of your divorce?
Getting a divorce seems so self-serving. Or is it self-saving?
Every day that you stay married, you die a little bit more inside.
Staying married is safe. Staying married is stable. But, staying married is killing you.
You’re stuck.
If You Don’t Want to Stay Married OR Go Through a Divorce, You’re Not Alone
If you find yourself longing to get divorced, and yet dreading it at the same time, you are not alone. Divorce is scary. It’s life-changing and gut-wrenching, time-consuming and expensive. It’s not the kind of thing that anyone looks forward to doing.
It’s also the only way to legally end a marriage that is at best no longer making you happy, and at worst making you downright miserable!
The truth is that, in many ways, staying married is easier. It’s also easier to justify.
You tell yourself you can’t afford to divorce. You tell yourself that staying married is better for the children. Your church tells you staying married is better period.
But, no one tells you the price you will pay for staying in a bad marriage.
The Cost of Staying Married
Nothing is for free in this world.
The price of staying in a bad, abusive, or unfulfilling marriage is measured in the amount of life you exchange for it.
If you are married to a gambler, a spendthrift, or someone who is chronically unemployed, the price you pay for remaining married is your financial stability.
You may also pay with your health since you probably have to work extra hard to pick up the slack and make your financial ends meet.
If you’re married to an alcoholic or a drug addict, the price you pay is not just your financial stability and physical health, but also your peace of mind. Being married to a substance abuser takes a toll on you both emotionally and psychologically.
If your spouse is having an affair (especially one s/he refuses to end!) then the price you pay for staying married is with your self-esteem and self-respect. You may also be putting your physical health at risk too if you continue to have sex with your unfaithful spouse.
If your spouse is physically abusive, the price you pay can be with your life.
The bottom line is that no matter what the cause of your marital disharmony is, living in that state takes a toll on you. The longer you stay in an unhappy marriage, the bigger the price you pay.
But what if your marriage isn’t THAT bad?
Staying in a Marriage That's "Good Enough"
While it may be easy to understand why someone would leave a marriage that’s abusive, unstable, or ties you to an alcoholic or drug addict, staying in a marriage that isn’t that bad – but just isn’t that good – can sometimes be worse.
When you’re in a loveless marriage, usually the only one who knows the depth of your pain and emptiness is YOU! No one but you knows that your spouse emotionally checked out of your marriage ages ago. As far as the world is concerned you and your spouse are the perfect couple. At least, that’s the way it looks from the outside.
But on the inside, you feel emptier and more alone than you would if you were single. You don’t feel seen, heard, or loved.
At the same time, leaving a marriage where everything looks like it’s “perfect” leaves you feeling like an ogre.
How do you leave a marriage when you can’t even intelligently explain what’s wrong with it?
Is “not being happy” reason enough to get a divorce? It seems so selfish.
Besides, if you just get divorced because you want to be happy, what will other people think?
What’s Keeping You Stuck?
While lots of things can get you stuck in a bad marriage, the fear of what “they” will think if you get divorced is one of the primary things that will KEEP you stuck.
Who “they” are, of course, depends on who “you” are.
Some people are afraid of alienating their family. Others are afraid that if they get a divorce they’ll lose their friends or be excluded from their social circle. Still others are worried about what the people at church, or at their job, or in their neighborhood, will think if they get divorced.
The truth is, if you’re worried that your divorce will cost you certain friendships or family relationships, you’re probably right! (I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I also don’t want to lie to you!)
MOST people lose friends in a divorce. Some lose family members – or at least their relationships with certain members of their family may become strained for a very long time.
The question is not whether you will lose some relationships in your divorce. You will. The question is whether those are the kinds of relationships that you really want to keep.
For better or for worse, divorce shows you who your real friends are. It shows you who truly cares about YOU, and who doesn’t.
What’s more, while you’ll probably LOSE some old friendships in your divorce, you’ll also GAIN new ones. That’s especially true if you join any divorce support groups.
Even if you don’t, though, you’ll still be amazed at the people you will connect with on a whole new level – people who have been through or are going through the same things you’re going through. So the truth is that you will BOTH gain and lose relationships in your divorce.
Of course, social pressure isn’t the only fear that can keep you from getting a divorce. Plenty of other fears can keep you stuck you stuck as well.
What if there was a technique you could use that would make decidinge what to do easier?
There is.
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What Are You Afraid Of?
The list of fears – real and imagined – that can keep you from getting a divorce, (or anything else you want in life) is substantial.
You may be afraid of what will happen in the future if you get a divorce. You may worry that you’ll end up homeless and penniless. Or you may be so afraid of having an uncertain future that you just can’t make yourself take the first step in the direction of divorce.
Another huge area of fear concerns your kids. You may worry that if you get a divorce, you’ll ruin your kids lives … or that you’ll ruin your relationship with your kids. Even if they’re adults you may worry that your kids will be so angry at you if you get a divorce that they will never speak to you again.
Or maybe your biggest fear is that if you get divorced now, you’ll spend the rest of your life alone. (NOTE: It doesn’t matter that you already feel alone in your marriage! You can still fear being totally alone if you get a divorce.)
The bottom line is that fear in any form is your biggest enemy. It can paralyze you from moving forward or making a change in your relationship for years (… sometimes decades!). When you allow your fear to paralyze you, though, you often look backward on your life years later with tremendous regret.
Fighting Your Fears
Fighting your fears isn’t easy. It takes determination and persistence. But, contrary to what most people believe, it doesn’t take superhuman amounts of courage to deal with your fears. What it does take is knowledge.
The more you know about what you fear, the more manageable your fears will become. That’s particularly true when what you’re afraid of is getting a divorce.
Sure, getting a divorce isn’t fun. But the problems that accompany divorce are well-known and usually manageable. Dealing with them is possible with appropriate knowledge and planning.
Yet millions of people have made it through the divorce process and have ended up building amazing lives for themselves afterwards – lives that they didn’t have, and never could have had, before their divorce.
For example, before she got divorced, Martha Stewart wasn’t famous, didn’t have a lifestyle magazine, and hadn’t created her company, Martha Stewart Omnimedia. All of that came AFTER her divorce.
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote her best-selling novel, Eat, Pray, Love when she took a year-long trip to Italy, India, and Indonesia AFTER her emotionally shattering divorce.
J.K. Rowling wrote the Harry Potter book series AFTER her divorce.
All of those women, and plenty of other women and men, found a way to face their fears, get through their divorce, and create the life of their dreams. But creating that life isn’t possible unless and until you face the fears that are holding you back.
Knowledge is Power
A lot of people have a lot of crazy ideas about what will happen to them if they get a divorce.
Some people don’t know what they’re really entitled to get in their divorce. They’re afraid they’ll get nothing. They’re afraid that if they get a divorce they’ll be financially ruined forever. That fear often keeps them from trying to find out what they’d ACTUALLY be entitled to get in their divorce.
Ironically, if those people had the courage to educate themselves about divorce, they might discover that they’re entitled to get much more than what they thought.
Some people don’t understand how parenting time gets divided in today’s world, so they assume that they’ll only get to see their kids every other weekend if they get a divorce. (ie. They assume they’ll be stuck with the kind of schedule that parents got decades ago!) Because of their fear, they stay trapped in bad marriages until after their kids are grown … without ever taking the time to explore how co-parenting really works today.
Still other people assume that getting a divorce means immediately lawyering up and going to war. They shudder at the thought of dealing with that kind of conflict, so they live with the inner conflict that always comes with living a lie. Meanwhile they don’t bother to explore the many ways you can get a divorce today that often involve less conflict than a litigated divorce.
The bottom line is that ANY situation you’re in can be managed better if you come from a place of knowledge than if you come from a place of fear.
Taking Control
The more you know about divorce, as well as about your kids and your finances, the more you will be able to replace your fears with a solid plan of action.
Getting yourself into action is a sure-fired way to start combatting your fears.
For example, if you’re afraid to get divorced because you can’t support yourself on your own right now, you MUST know whether you would be able to receive support from your spouse. To get that knowledge you need to talk with a good divorce attorney near you. When you do you may discover that your situation isn’t as dire as you think.
(The same thing is true, by the way, if you’re the person who is going to have to PAY support. Many people overestimate how much support they’re going to have to pay, or how long they’re going to have to pay it for!)
If you’re afraid to get divorced because you know nothing about your finances and even less about how finances work, that’s okay. You don’t have to be Einstein to learn how personal finance works. But you DO have to believe you’re capable of learning about finances, and then you have to take steps to do exactly that. A good financial planner or a course on personal finance can help get your started.
If you are overwhelmed by the very thought of getting divorced, then learning about how the divorce process works and what steps you’ll have to take to get through it can help put your fears to rest.
(The Divorce Road Map 2.0 is an excellent online program that will teach you how divorce works in a simple, step-by-step program that you can complete in the comfort of your home. )
The bottom line is that no matter what you fear, you can fight that fear by getting the facts, and then taking action. That is what will help you face your fears and take control of your life.
But How Do I Know I'll Be Okay if I Get Divorced?
Fundamentally, the one thing every divorcing person wants to know is “Will I be okay if I get a divorce?” That’s really the root of all the fears we’ve talked about.
Unfortunately divorce, just like every other aspect of life, doesn’t come with any guarantees.
No one can guarantee that you’ll be okay if you get a divorce. But are you really okay now?
Are you okay if you’re financially secure but physically exhausted and emotionally empty?
Are you okay if you’re locked in a loveless marriage that looks good on the outside, but is soul-sucking on the inside?
What does “being okay” really mean? Are you satisfied with living an “okay” life? Or do you want more?
Asking yourself these questions will start to show you what truly matters to you. It will also show you where you’ve given up what you want in order to just maintain what you have.
So the real question is: What kind of trade-off are you willing to live with? What matters most to you?
If you want to stay married at any cost, you can definitely do that. (Assuming, of course, that your spouse isn’t the one who wants a divorce!) But you may end up trapped in a marriage where you can never be yourself.
Mind you, being caught in a loveless, sexless, and/or lifeless marriage isn’t necessarily good or bad. It’s just the trade-off that you’ve made.
Conversely, you may decide to get divorced and find yourself embroiled in a horrible war … for a while. If that happens, the time you spend going through your divorce will suck. But sooner or later your divorce will be behind you, and you’ll be able to create the life you dreamed about.
Should You Stay Married or Get Divorced?
Ultimately, only you can choose what to do with your marriage. That choice – whether it is to stay in an unhappy marriage because you’re afraid to get divorced, or to leave your marriage and get divorced – will have consequences. Some of those consequences will be ugly no matter what you decided.
But staying locked in indecision has consequences, too.
As the saying goes, “Not to decide IS to decide.”
Your life will be defined by the choices you make.
Getting divorced is a choice.
Staying married is a choice.
Not making a choice, is a choice.
In the end, of course, the choice you make is up to you.
So, which will it be: the devil you know, the devil you don’t, or a lifetime spent being stuck in between?
NEED MORE HELP?
Getting personal coaching is another way you can move past your fear of divorce. If you're interested in learning how decision coaching works, and how it can help you conquer your fear of getting divorced so that you can finally move on with your life, CLICK HERE to check it out.
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This post was originally published in September, 2016, and updated on May 12, 2024.
What if there was a technique you could use that would make decidinge what to do easier?
There is.
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This is exactly what I’m facing now! I want out of a seemingly perfectly intact marriage. Nothing necessarily bad has happened but I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. I feel nothing in my marriage, just total emptiness. I feel more alive and fulfilled when I am with anyone else other than my husband which makes me feel horribly guilty. We’ve grown distant over the years and have finally talked about it. He vows to change, and in fact has made changes, but the connection feels completely lost to me. Divorce is something highly frowned upon and I don’t want to destroy my three young children’s lives. I don’t know if I should just stick with it regardless of my own happiness, I don’t know if it’s selfish to even think about just my happiness. But I do find myself having feelings for other people but I don’t know if it’s just momentary or not.
Sandy,
Feeling empty inside the most significant relationship in your life is really hard. If you don’t address those feelings, they will almost certainly end your marriage, if not now, then later. The fact that you and your husband have finally talked about what is going on is hopeful. The fact that he vows to change, and has made changes, is hopeful. But, don’t think that he is the only one who has to change. (Sorry!)
Here’s the deal. If you have gotten to the point where you feel nothing toward him, then even if he changes and does everything you say you want, you still may feel nothing. That is why it is so important for you to work on yourself too. This would be a great time to start working with a therapist to find out what YOU want. How do you really feel? What is important to you? If your husband changes, will that improve your marriage enough to make you want to stay? There are a thousand questions that you can be asking yourself right now that will help you figure out your own feelings.
Since you and your husband have been growing apart for years, it also would probably help a lot of you worked with a marriage counselor on your issues. Can you fix your marriage on your own? Maybe. But, working with a professional may help you work through your issues faster, and more deeply.
The bottom line is this: if you already find yourself having feelings for others, and you feel empty inside your marriage, you need to address whatever issues you face, both on your own, and with your husband, as soon as possible. If you let them go, your marriage will very likely die a slow death.
Best.
Karen
I have a wife of 17 years. Im 42 she 39. She was abused by her dad or almost. But she has trauma. When we first met she did drugs like weed, and coke . she gave it to me and i did it with her. Maybe because i liked her abd started to love her. Fast forward i never liked drugs but i did them anyway. But when i said said no she keep on going. Then at times i did it too. Because it was around. Sometimes i would cry that didnt want it. Then she started drinking alot. I even tryed that but i hated it. We did this for years. On and off. We had 4 beautiful boys. But it seemed to start it self back up. She had black outs and she d disappeared 4 hours sometimes she would even come back with pee all over her. Has time went on you tried Coke again. But this time my will kicked in and I decided never to touch it again not even recreationally I’ve been done for 4 years not that I was a attic but I did do it from time to time. But my wife kept going and going and going if she stopped Coke she would smoke weed if you stopped weed should we drink. If she did not drink she was Smoke Vape. She had two DUIs last year. I recently started doing it formation about her abusing drugs found out that she is a functional drug user. She always gets up to go to work and pays her bills. But the drinking and drugs will not stop. I really threaten her what divorce. But I’m scared because she is the breadwinner of the family I don’t know what to do. I recently started looking at other women even imagining myself with other women even start going outside the relationship. She told me that this is how she lives and she will never change. I’m scared of Child Support and what will happen in the courts. I am a man. And I need help.
Oh my! Where to start?
First of all, from what you described, your wife definitely sounds like an addict. Recovering from addition is a long and painful road – even when the addict WANTS to recover. In your case, your wife doesn’t even want to try.
I suggeset that you get in touch with an Al-Anon group in your area. They can provide you with a lot of support and information. You also would do well to get a therapist. You’ve got a ton on your plate right now and a good therapist can really help you sort through everything. Plus, therapy is often covered by your health insurance, so it shouldn’t cost you a fortune.
Finally, I don’t want to be hard on you, but it’s time you get yourself together and get a job. You need to be able to support yourself and your kids. Even if you don’t get a divorce, you need to be able to support yourself and your kids.
Here’s the hard truth: your wife WILL crash and burn. No one can live that kind of lifestyle and continue to do well forever. So at some point she will not be making the money she is making now. Right now she’s still relatively young. She may be able to keep drinking and doing drugs for another 10 years, maybe more (or maybe less!). But eventually her behavior will catch up with her. When that happens, you’re going to have to support yourself and be there for your kids – whether you like it or not.
The path you and your wife are traveling is a crazy one. It’s not likely to have a good ending no matter how you cut it. Change won’t be easy. Becoming self-supporting won’t be easy. But if you want off the crazy train, that’s where you’ve got to start.
Karen
PS In case you’re wondering, I would tell you the same thing even if you were a woman.
PSS With all due respect, the LAST thing you need right now is another woman! I can understand why other women seem so attractive right now. But they would be just one more distraction – one more drug – for you right now. Get yourself together first. Then you can deal with your marriage. After you do all that, then when you find another woman, you’ll have a chance at having a great relationship. If you get involved with someone now, you’re only going to make the mess you’re already in 100x worse.
Thats my situation now
I’ve been in love with a girl for 8 years who is married and shes in love with me(we just didn’t ever have the guts to say how we truly felt. we finally both kissed and fessed up about our passion and love for eachother. When we kissed she told me that she had never believed in soul mates until the second our lips connected. It’s a mess I know, but i love her and she loves me. She tells that she fears that we will never get our chance to be together, because she doesn’t know if she can ever leave her abusive husband. She said that she’s trying to get the courage but i really fear that she’s going to stay with him. She wants to be with me that much is extremely obvious because we are twin fires not just soul mates. She is having such a hard time with all of this because she’s never felt love like the kind we have. I told her that I’m always here and i comfort her but this girl I love is super headstrong and stubborn. She tells me about how bad her health is getting and how she just wishes that she could just pack up and move to be with me. This has been eating at her for the last week and i just want her happy.
She’s got alot on her plate and she tells about how stressed out and depressed she’s getting and how she just wished she would have never let me go 8 years ago. She’s been in love with me for 8 years and i see this in her eyes and the way she says she loves me when she blushes. I can even feel how much she loves me over the phone. I’ve never felt this way about any woman. Sorry I thought I’d clarify a few things lol
I totally understand. I can hear how much in love you are. I can tell you just want to make her happy. But, that’s not exactly under your control right now. (Sorry!)
What I’m about to say may be hard to read. So if you’re not up for it, hit the back button on your browser right now. I will also just say a blanket “sorry” for all of what I’m about to write.
Still here? Okay. At least I warned you!
I know you’re in love with this woman. But whatever happened 8 years ago is over. If she wants to be with you now then she has to leave her husband and come to you. (Or, you have to be okay with loving a married woman who can’t ever be totally yours.)
Is leaving an abusive marriage hard? Yes. It is. Because of that, I strongly recommend that she get help. Getting a good therapist and a support group will be critical to her success. She’s also going to need a safe place to stay. If you want to help, you can get those resources together for her. You can suggest she use them. But only SHE can decide whether to go for help or not. Ultimately, she’s also the one who has to move out. You can’t do that for her.
You said she was stubborn. If by that you mean that she won’t leave, then that’s what YOU get to deal with. You get to decide how long you’ll stay with her if she doesn’t leave. You get to decide what YOU want to do here. But you can’t save her. (Sorry!) She has to save herself. You can help. But if she’s not on board with leaving, there’s not much you can do. (…except, of course, to ask yourself whether someone who loves you as much as she says that she does would continue to stay with an abusive husband instead of moving out to be with you – or be on her own.)
I know this probably isn’t what you wanted to hear. (Sorry!) But it’s better to know what you’re getting in to on the front end.
Good luck.
Karen
PS Just so you know, this is likely to take a while, too. So, if you decide to keep going, you need to know that too.
Hey Karen thanks for the reply! She’s getting resources together for when she leaves. She has asked me to never leave her side, so I wont. I sent her this article. She wants to leave but fear is strong, i tell her ill never give up and I’ll always be here and that she has more strength than she knows. It’s hard…very hard..but she knows it’s coming she knows she has to have all her ducks in a row before we can finally be together. I hear your words and thanks for the help! I really really appreciate it.
I would love to hear what you decided to do and what the results were. I am in the same situation and I will probably have to relocate after a divorce where we live is too expensive and I have not been the bread winner so I don’t make much. Very scary in mid-life.
I feel stuck in my marriage as well. We’ve had a rocky marriage the entire time. It was really bad for the past 9 years, until about 2 years ago. He argued over everything and it was always him trying to prove he was right and I was wrong. He yelled and would say rude/insulting things to me. I would shut down and he would act like nothing happened, after a couple of hours. He always seemed to be in a bad mood and I felt like me and our kids were walking around on eggshells just to keep the peace. I don’t know if he got worse, or if I just finally got sick of it, but it seemed like it got worse. He would insult me in front of our families, friends, waitresses, without even realize he was being rude and embarrassing me. One time when the house was a wreck and he freaked out and started griping and cleaning, which was the only time he helped around the house. I told him that I couldn’t work full time, so everything for the kids, and keep the house clean. He said, “Why not? Single moms do it all the time.” Really?! Once he told me that my Facebook profile picked made me look cross-eyed. I changed it. He asked me why and I told him it was because of what he said. He said he didn’t mean it, that I was beautiful in it, and that he was just jealous of the attention and nice comments I was getting on it. We got in to gauge fight because he wanted to spend $1300 on a new gun. 5 days before he’d told me we couldn’t buy the $1200 fridge I wanted because we couldn’t spend money on it right now. We’d been keeping our freezer closed with a child lock for almost a year, replacing it a couple times a month. Fridge food was freezing and freezer food was thawing a lot of the time. I said ok. Then he asked for the gun and I was furious. The kids told my mom that all he ever does is yell. The list goes on, and on, and on. About 2 years ago I decided I was done. He knew it and begged for counseling and to a chance to change. I’d been telling him we needed counseling for about a year and a half before that. He went to individual counseling and started making big changes almost immediately. He was nice, thoughtful, and wanted to actually let me have a say in things. I felt absolutely nothing for him, even after he started doing better. It’s been 2 years and I still don’t feel loving feelings toward him. We haven’t had sex in 3 years, don’t hold hands or kiss, and I don’t really want to. The last 10 months or so I see the old him coming out more, he doesn’t help around the house much like he was after he started therapy. I feel like I’d lost all love and respect for him before he decided to change. Am I just being stubborn and not accepting the new him or is there nothing left of my marriage? I can’t live like this, but I don’t know if it’s something I could overcome. I don’t want to mess up my kids. I’m so unhappy and I know he is, too. He doesn’t understand why I didn’t just get over the bad times after he changed. Please help me.
I’m sorry for the typos. I just proofread my post. I’m an English teacher and it is bothering me. Lol
I don’t know if you can overcome how you feel or not. I do know that if you want to change your feelings, you have to honestly WANT to change AND you have to be willing to WORK to make the change happen. You can’t fall back into love with someone if you’re constantly on guard, watching to see if the changes he made years ago are really going to stick.
Knowing what you want sounds so simple. The problem is that our heads are so crowded with thoughts about what we “should” want that we can’t clearly see what we do want. Our hearts are so full of anger and resentment that there is little space left for love. If you want to get clear about whether you’re being stubborn, or whether there truly is nothing left of your marriage, you have to LISTEN to the still small voice inside of you. To do that, you need to get clear in both your head and your heart.
You said your husband went to individual counseling and made big changes. Maybe you might want to consider going to individual counseling yourself. That will help you figure out what you really want and how you truly feel.
I know this probably isn’t exactly what you wanted to hear. (Sorry!) Hope this helps anyway.
Karen
So stuck. Divorcing would be the most painful life experience I can imagine. 3 boys. They love there father. He’s a work aholic and an alcoholic that tries not to drink because he knows I don’t like it. I’m not just married to him, it’s our home we built our land and farm and our family. I know he wants more. I want more. I’m done being the one who tries to make it work .I just barely care anymore. He’s rude. He hurts my feelings. I moved across the country to try to make this family work when I was pregnant. My 15 year old knows we got married because we were pregnant. This does not feel like love. But I will do anything for my kids.
I can hear how unhappy you are. Have you tried marriage counseling? Has your husband tried Alcoholics Anonymous? Would he?
Being married to an alcoholic is definitely not easy. It sounds like you want a divorce, but you don’t want to let go of your land or your farm. You also don’t want to hurt your kids. All of that is understandable. But you’re miserable. So, what can you do?
If your marriage is truly over, then you need to start making an exit plan. I know that sounds cold. But right now it sounds like you don’t have the financial means to leave. You can work on that.
Will getting a divorce be painful? Absolutely! But how much pain are you in right now?
I know you will do anything for your kids, but the bigger question is: what will you do for yourself? Even if the only thing you can do is to start preparing for divorce in the future, once the kids are gone, that’s something. Or, you can pull out all the stops and work on your marriage. Maybe if he’s willing to do the same, he may change, too.
I know this is hard. Hang in there!
I’ve been married 38 yrs. I got married when I was 19 and my husband was 22. I was a very shy insecure girl at the time. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings so I said yes… I was definitely not in love… We dated for a year before we married. I think my parents were happy to finally be able to do what they wanted. My husband had a fairly good job. I cried every night prior to the wedding. We were married for a year an a half when he moved out because he met someone else. We were separated for 4 months. My dad met my husband at a bar one night and told him he needed to decide what he wanted…. at the time I was finally getting on with my life.. I had excepted a date with a co worker… my husband found out and said he wanted to be with me again… stupid insecure me said ok… 3 months later I was pregnant.. My son was and still is the joy of my life… I put all my love and energy into raising him… I didn’t know if I could possibly love anyone more.. 6 years later I got pregnant again…. I was so excited. I remember telling my husband and his remark was “that’s nice”… again I put all the love and attention into my kids. My husband was a good provider but not always the best father… we didn’t have the kind of family I dreamt of… when my youngest was about 13 the sex became less and less…we never had the best sex life but it got really bad. I’m human and I want sex like anyone else. When I made advances he would say “no I’m good”… then I would just go in the other room and cry. I could never understand why didn’t want me … he’s denying me made me feel so ugly… by the time my youngest started college I gained 30 lbs. In 2014 my life was turned upside down.. my oldest moved out of state… my dad who I loved tremendously died suddenly.. my youngest graduated from college… my job that I had for 32 yrs went over seas..all the friends I saw on a daily bases I only see about 4 xs a year now… my cat of 21 yrs died and the my youngest moved out of state…. 2014 was devastating for me…. I was now left with a man that made me feel ugly and I could never please. In January of 2015 my old high school boyfriend friended me on FB…. we both loved each other a lot in high school but his dad got a job out of state.. we wrote back and forth for a while but that quietly ended… I was so happy to be talking to him again… for the first time in a long time I felt alive and wanted…I lost 30 lbs in 3 months.. he was in the service so was gone a lot and we talked back and forth… unfortunately some dreams are better left dreams… we weren’t as combatable as we once were. We never actually met and we still talk but just as friends… 9 months after I lost my job I found another one.. only 2 people in the office…. much different then 200 people prior… there is another small office upstairs. I met a great guy… I couldn’t believe that GOD had brought me to this job to meet the most perfect guy… we flirted for 4 years… he knew I was married and didn’t want to be disrespectful… we never did anything but I really grew to love him.. this summer he started getting a little stand-offish… I figure he found a girlfriend and is afraid to tell me… I have told him probably 10 xs that I want to leave my husband… but I’m so afraid. I’m sure he got sick of hearing it and moved on…. I’m so afraid to leave… I’m 58 years old… I will have to work 2 jobs to afford an apartment and probably never be able to retire… what I want is someone to hug me when I have a bad day (I can’t remember the last time I was hugged)…. I want to be happy to go home at night and not cry all the way home from work..I want someone that I want to go away on vacation with. I want to laugh again…. it’s been a long time!! I want to leave my husband but Im afraid I won’t survive and I really don’t know how to meet anyone else… in 2015 I told my husband I was leaving him… he burst into tears and promised to change…. he really has… he doesn’t yell as much and is much kinder… the problem now is I think the damage has been done…. I don’t care anymore.. everything he does annoys me… he wants sex a lot more now and it makes my stomach crawl… how dare he decides when we have sex when for 13 yrs I got to hear “ I’m good”…. sorry for writing my life story but it sure feels good to share… thank you for listening
It sounds like you and your husband have a lot of issues that you have never talked about or worked through. Before you do that, though, you need to start to figure out what you want … and what you’re willing to do to get it. You also need to get honest with yourself.
If you don’t want to be married to your husband you need to decide what you’re going to do about that first. You said you want to leave him but you’re afraid. I totally get that. Having been married for all of those years, and having suffered so much loss all at once (losing your dad, your cat, and having your kids move out) has to be hard. I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to face living alone and supporting yourself at this point. But, here’s the deal: a decision made from fear is NEVER a good decision.
If you only stay married because you can’t afford to leave you are going to be stuck in a marriage of convenience. Over time, you’re going to resent your husband more and more for all of the things he is not. It doesn’t matter how much he changes. If inside yourself you don’t want to be with him, you’re not going to care. You’re going to end up hating being with him.
Now, here’s the part you’re not going to want to hear. (Sorry!) If you stay married when you want to divorce, and you are unhappy, that’s not your husband’s fault. It’s your responsibility to take control of your own life.
Will you have to work 2 jobs if you leave him? Maybe. Will you have to give up your retirement because you won’t be able to afford it? Maybe. But will you be happy if you stay married just for the money and the security? That’s a question only you can answer.
Only YOU can decide what you’re willing to do, or not do, in life. Only YOU can decide what your life is worth to you, and what kind of life you want to have. Staying married and getting a divorce are both choices. You could choose either one. You could be happy choosing either one — BUT you have to decide you will be happy and work at it.
Neither choice is going to be perfect. Neither choice is inherently “good” or “bad.” There are pros and cons to each choice, and only YOU can decide which choice makes sense for you. But NOT CHOOSING, and staying married while you want to be divorced, guarantees that you will stay stuck and remain unhappy. (Sorry!)
I apologize if this was a little harsh. But sometimes we all need a little nudge in order to move forward.
Hope this helps.
Karen
Pornography can be devastating to a relationship
Yes, it can.
Loooomg story but after losing my Mom and becoming an empty nester , I truly realized how unhappy my marriage is.
My husband is over 20 years older , and that alone has been hard. We had two kids before marriage and I made them my world. Now that’s it just us two I feel like I can’t stand him. I spend hours alone every night and when I lost my Mom he offered no emotional support. For the first time I’m my life I realize I have a choice and a voice. I told him a year ago how I felt and he stormed off in anger. He told me if I sign any papers I’d never see him again , and our kids ( both live out of state) wouldn’t have a home to visit. Right after I told him he called our son in Chicago and somehow he had a wellness check while I was gone .. I don’t think he was suicidal that was a scare tactic. I came from a childhood of abuse and he says he took me away from that. He’s always been a good provider and I do care about him deeply but I’m so incredibly alone. I thought it was grief related but I still feel the same. It was wrong from the start. It’s been 25 years. I’m afraid to hurt him or to be alone but I’m not happy either. And I just lost my job.
Oh my! You certainly have a lot on your plate! I can understand why you’re feeling alone. Talking to a therapist, or a coach could help a lot. So could finding a divorce support group near you. (While you may think that divorce support groups are only important if you are actually IN a divorce, some can also be helpful in helping you decide whether divorce is the path you want to take.)
As for what your husband has said, it’s hard to know what he would really do, or not do. People do a lot of trash talking in divorce. They try to scare their spouse into doing what they want by threatening them. Or, they try to make their spouse feel guilty for wanting to leave, or for wanting more out of life. At the same time, people can also get desperate in divorce. What you need to sort out is fact from fiction. For example, will your kids lose their home if you divorce? I don’t know. Maybe one of you can keep the house in the divorce. Maybe not.
What I do know is that a “home” is much more than just a house. As long as you can keep a good relationship with your kids, my guess is that they would always feel like they had a mom to visit. Isn’t that what really matters?
I can tell that you don’t want to hurt your husband or be alone. Yet, it sounds like you’re already alone, even though you’re married.
You said you’ve finally realized that you have a choice and a voice. That’s awesome! You also have a lot of strength – otherwise, you wouldn’t have gotten through everything you have dealt with lately. Now it may be time to start using your voice to claim the life you want. Whether that will be with or without your husband remains to be seen. That’s where your choice comes in. Have enough faith in yourself to know that, one way or another, whatever choice you make will be the right one.
Best,
Karen
Sandy, Its been three years since your post. Can you tell me what you decided? I too am in that same situation after 30 years.
S.
I’m in the same position as well … would like to know what to do as well
I wish I had answers for you. I know that staying in a loveless marriage, or one that looks good on the outside but is empty on the inside, sucks! But, the truth is, the only one who has your answers is you. (And, yes, I know that is a wildly unsatisfying response! Sorry.)
Ultimately, it comes down to deciding what you want for your life, and what you’re willing to do to get it – whether you stay married or get a divorce.
Sorry. I wish I had better answers.
Karen
I have been separated for four years. I am terrified to get divorced because my husband owns the condo we are living in. I am also scared of how he will react. This weekend I got my own phone and he has about lost it. He is Iranian, he doesnt even want me but has to control me. Four years ago I found out that he was not faithful. I was completely heart broken. We separated, he maintains control because if he acts upset he takes it out on our son. My son has epilepsy, when he gets upset it causes seizures. This is how he controls me. I dont know what to do. When I met him I was a successful woman. RN worked at a hospital. Now you wouldnt even recognize me, I have zero friends now. I havent done anything for myself and cant find a job. I dont know how I got here, and I dont know how to get out. Any suggestions?
Oh my! I feel for you.
Let me start by saying that you CAN get out. You have that power within yourself. But, where to start, right?
Believe it or not, I would start by working on yourself. Get therapy. Take continuing ed classes in nursing to freshen up your skills. Make some friends. But (here’s the key!) do everything ONE STEP AT A TIME! You didn’t get to where you are right now in one day. You’re not going to get out of the situation in one day. But if every day you do ONE THING to help yourself move forward (no matter how small that one thing may be) you will be astonished by where you’re at one year from now.)
As for your son, that’s something you may want to talk to an attorney in your area about. You need to find out if you can limit or control the contact between your husband and your son if you separate. If your husband’s behavior is harming your son, perhaps that is possible. But you definitely need legal advice about that.
Finally, remember who you are. As soon as you start believing in yourself again, you will also start to get stronger. The stronger and more independent you are, the less control your husband will have. From there, everything will start to get clearer and less terrifying.
Hope this helps.
Karen
Hi, I am a 31 year old woman married to a 44 year old man, we have 3 kids together and for long now I have been very unhappy and depressed it all started when he cheated on his phone caught him the 1st time I tried to kill myself as I was very depressed and couldn’t handle the betrayal, he swore he won’t do it again I gave him another chance just for him to do it to me again, it didn’t stop there he did it again and then a 4th time again sex talks with other woman on chats saying things to them that I longed for that I asked for with tears in my eyes, lies about finances kills me, we are in a rutt with finances now and have to downgrade the lifestyle a lot, I never believe him, I struggle to take to heart anything he says, I reached a point of where I don’t want to be intimate with him anymore I don’t enjoy it at all, the connection is gone, he now tries and doesn’t want us to get divorced but I feel like it’s to late, I find that I now have Intrest in other men and don’t feel any guilt about it, I want out of the marriage but I feel sorry for him he still acts now as if we are fine and I am not because I am so unhappy I have a different plan for my life and it doesn’t involve him at all, I don’t know how to tell him that I want us to move into different places and I want the divorce he makes me feel bad because he tries he’s like a puppy does everything and anything for me but nothing he sows changes me I feel the same I am disconnected, dont enjoy being intamate, angry all the time, frustrated with everything, I am very distant he felt it and tried to kill himself that made me feel even worse he cries to our married friends and seeks sympathy and all tries to convince me that I should stay with him and tells me how he loves me blah blah blah blah, but no one ever realizes that I am dying inside everyday a little more as I stay because I am sorry for him and I feel bad for wanting out and a different life, I want to be happy I have never lived before my life revolved around him and my kids they were my center and now I feel like I was never appreciated and never lived or could never be myself I had our first baby when I was just 18 and second when I was 21 he only married me after 10 years of being together I basically just planned the wedding bought my own engagement ring there was never a proposal I was never made feel special at all and these thoughts haunts me because I feel like I deserve the life I want and to be happy but I am stuck because I don’t have the guts to do what I know I want to do it’s so unfair to have this heart where you can’t bare hurting others yet inside you are dying.
Oh my! I can hear how much you’re hurting! So much has happened between you and your ex that sorting it all out and getting yourself unstuck so you can have the life you dream of and deserve will be a process! It will take time. Just know though, that if you’re willing to put in the time and the effort, you CAN do it! But you’ll probably need help.
Right now the best thing you can do is to find yourself a good therapist in your area who you can talk to. That therapist can help you understand and manage your emotions. That way, instead of pushing your emotions down so much that you feel like you’re dying inside, you can deal with them and actually start to feel alive again! The therapist can help you build yourself up so that you have the guts to do what you want to do. It’s absolutely possible. It’s just really hard to do it alone.
What’s positive is that therapists are often covered by medical insurance. Many of them also work on a sliding scale. That makes them more affordable for those who don’t have a lot of resources.
I strongly encourage you to start working with a therapist. Doing that can completely change your life.
Best,
Karen
My co worker had to remind me that sometimes we do have to be selfish for our own sakes. I think my wife feels it too that we’ve drifted apart and aren’t interested as much in each other. I think were both just afraid of what’s gonna happen to us. It’s a terrible conversation to have but Its been eating me up inside lately. The kids, our futures, will I find someone again? I think I would rather deal with all of that then exist with someone with little to no connection.
You’ve hit the nail on the head!
Life is about choices. It sounds like the one you’re facing is whether you’d rather spend the rest of your life in a loveless marriage where you have little to no connection, or whether you’re willing to brave the unknown for the chance to create a more meaningful relationship.
It’s not easy!
My name is Jerrica. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years. He has a learning disability and a drug problem. He has a kind heart and loves me very much. Every time I look at him I worry about what’s going to happen to him if I get a divorce. I have always supported him. He has worked jobs here and there, but has never paid any bills. He has always helped with our two children. He doesn’t drive, he isn’t thoughtful, he doesn’t know how to make me happy. He has never planned a date for me and paid. I’ve never been on a real date. He never wants to go with me and the kids to outings it’s always just us. He sits in the house and that’s pretty much it. His family is also a problem. They’ve never done anything for us. There are a number of things I could go on forever. I’m not perfect. I’m in therapy now because I cheated on him. I’m ashamed of myself and it’s in the past, but I feel like that was a way to keep me sane through all of my problems. It was wrong I know. But after that happened. I know I want a divorce. A fresh start for just me and my sons… A new beginning. I’m scared to death to start that beginning he is all I’ve ever known.
Jerrica,
It sounds like you still care for your husband a lot and are really struggling with your decision. I can feel your pain! What is positive is that you are in therapy right now. That will give you a safe place where you can explore your feelings and start thinking about what you want, and what you are going to do.
I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go. That is totally your decision. What I can tell you is that the people who are at peace with their decision to divorce have usually all said the same thing: they knew they tried everything they could to make the marriage work before they decided to divorce. The people who regret their decision can not say the same thing.
So the question you might want to ask yourself is whether you have tried everything you can to work on your marriage? Have you tried couples counseling? Have you told your husband exactly what you want? If not, he may not know. (Yes, I know that sounds impossible! But, you would be surprised. Men and women think very differently. He genuinely might not understand what you want or how unhappy you are.)
On the other hand, if you have tried everything and nothing has worked, there is no sense in beating a dead horse, either. If you are that unhappy and your husband won’t step up and try to make things better at all, then it might be time to look at your options.
The best way I know to deal with fear of the unknown is to arm yourself with knowledge. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid you won’t be able to support yourself? Then make a budget and figure out how much money you will need to survive on your own. If you are not earning enough to cover your expenses, brainstorm ways you can make more money. If you are afraid of how much your divorce is going to cost, or what you are going to have to give your husband in your divorce, meet with a lawyer just for an informational session, and learn about what you are facing. Learn what your legal rights and responsibilities are. Get an estimate of how much getting divorced might cost you. Even if you don’t like what you hear, it is important for you to know what you are facing.
The bottom line is that, the more information you can get, the better able you will be to face your fears.
You sound like an intelligent and hard working person. Trust yourself that you will be able to figure this out. Trust that you will find a way to get through this tough time. Give up the need to be perfect. That will keep you stuck forever. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to do your best. In the end, that’s all you can do.
Best,
Karen
I am in a rough spot. My wife has done a lot to me over the years – from rejecting my daughter to cheating on me for 4 of our 12 years of marriage.
I have reached the point of no return – I feel no more pain, but I don’t want to be married. For me, our bond has completely dissolved. I have no more feelings for her. This is also the point in our marriage where she is trying.
We have small children – the thought of leaving floods me with guilt. The thought of staying floods me with anxiety and sadness. I’m stuck.
I hear you!
Being stuck is probably one of the hardest places to be. The reason you are stuck is because you have a conflict inside of you between what you think you “should” do (i.e. stay for the kids) and what you want to do, which is to leave. You keep going back and forth in your head and, consequently, are not going anywhere.
To get yourself unstuck (besides doing what I talked about here already) think about your beliefs, and be HONEST with yourself. You think you should stay married. Why? Where did that belief come from? Is it really true that you should stay married? How do you know?
You say you want a divorce. Why? Are you really past the point of no return, or is there hope? If there is no hope, why would you stay? What would your life look like if you got a divorce? What would it look like if you stay married? Which reality reflects who you really are, deep down inside, and who you want to be?
Now think about what you want for your kids. They will learn more from your example (whatever that is) than they will by just what you say. What lessons do you want to teach them?
I know these are hard questions. But getting unstuck requires you to ask yourself hard questions, and then to be brutally honest with yourself about the answers.
After that, take action. It doesn’t have to be huge action. Baby steps are fine. But to get unstuck, you need to MOVE!
If you decide that your marriage is too far gone and you want a divorce, then take some small action to move you closer to divorce. (Maybe it is something as simple as reading these blogs, or talking to a lawyer, or looking for a new place to live.) If you decide to stay in your marriage, then do something to make it better. (You could get into marriage counseling or individual therapy. Or you could go on a “couples weekend.”)No matter what you do, CHANGE something! DO something! At this point, just moving in any direction will help you.
Finally, don’t think that whatever you decide is set in stone. That only makes deciding anything 1000% harder.
If you decide to stay together, and it doesn’t work, you can still get divorced. If you decide to get divorced, and your wife is a changed woman and she convinces you to give your marriage another try even after you have moved toward divorce, you can still put your divorce on hold and try to work on your marriage. Yes, some decisions are difficult to change. But making no decisions will keep you stuck.
If you make small decisions, and take small actions, you will get used to moving. Once you are moving, you can course=correct if you need to do so.
Hope that helps!
Karen
Karen,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Your insight is helpful. I am going to make time to answer these questions for myself – especially the part about what I choose to model for my kids, and the reality of what would happen to them if I divorce. Fear and guilt have been huge motivators. I’m going to try my best to go through the process you recommended, face my fears, and then have the courage to act.
Thank you again for your help,
Lee
You’re welcome! My pleasure!
Karen
I have been married nearly 20 years. My husband proclaimed before we got married that he was completely committed to being married, having children and supporting his family financially. The problem is that he never did that. From the very beginning he simply sat back and let me do all the heavy lifting as in bread winning, cleaning, cooking, child care, etc. He does the grocery shopping, but doesn’t do that consistently or throughly. Any big expenses we’ve incurred have been paid by me and sometimes my parents if I needed help. I already had a house he has lived in for all these years and never paid a penny for. I already had furniture which he sleeps on, sits on, etc that he never helped pay for. I worked through both my pregnancies and have always paid all the expenses for our children. To make a long story short, I feel burdened. I feel like I give 150% while he steps back and does as little as he possibly can. In 20 years, he’s never cleaned a toilet, scrubbed a floor or dusted a stick of furniture, but he enjoys all the effort I put forth and doesn’t even acknowledge any of it. I cook nice meals pretty much every night, and he says if I want him to help clean the kitchen, we need to eat earlier (I work two jobs). He says he’ll get a better job, but never tries. He stays gone a lot due to his crappy job which leaves us penniless and paralyzed financially. He makes zero effort to make things better and really all he wants to do is watch TV while I work myself to death. He’s helped very little with the kids who are teenagers now. He does help take them places they need to go if he’s around. So, basically, I’m angry and tired. I feel like I’ve done my best and I always work the hardest I can and now I’m looking at my kid’s leaving for college and me being alone with this person who does nothing but take advantage of me. I’m really angry. I don’t know what to do and YES…I want things to be easy on my children. That means more to me than anything in the whole world. I just want them to be happy, but marriage to this man is like being an involuntarily mother to a completely dependent grown-up stranger…who also is a leech.
After reading some of the comments here, I should say that he does not drink, do drugs or have affairs (that I’m aware of) and I do none of these things either. So, I know some people have it much worse. My question (always) is…how much can I do for this person with pretty much nothing in return. Shouldn’t I get something out of this marriage, too? He’s been pretty much taken care of for 20 years and he does not appreciate any of it or try to reciprocate in any way. My family has also been very good to him and his has been non existent in our lives or purposely difficult/miserable. I have thought about divorce A LOT. One reason I haven’t gone through with it is that I couldn’t stand the idea of him having the children alone for visits. He’s very careless and irresponsible and LAZY. I was afraid of what might happen to them if I weren’t around to look out for them, but now they’re getting ready to go to college and they won’t need me anymore. I’m just so tired.
Okay, first of all, it’s time to start taking care of yourself a little bit. You can’t make good decisions when you’re exhausted. I understand WHY you’re exhausted, but that doesn’t change the fact that step number one for you is to give yourself a break, get some rest, and try to clear your head a bit. (It also wouldn’t hurt to get a good therapist. S/he will probably be covered by your medical insurance. Having someone to talk to who can be in your corner and help you work through everything you’re going through can be a huge help!)
I know it sounds selfish, but it’s time to start putting yourself first for a change. Until you get yourself in a more positive head space, there is little you can do to turn your life around.
As for your husband, I can understand why you’re angry. But, by this point, you should know you can’t change him. Also, I don’t mean to get down on you at all, but if you’ve lived with this guy for 20 years and he’s been lazy the whole time, why would you expect him to be different now? You’re angry at him for doing something that you’ve allowed him to do for decades. Now mind you, I’m not blaming you or judging you. My guess is you wanted a nice lie, and you wanted to make sure your children had a nice life so you put in 150% to make sure that happened. I get that. But, because you did all that, he didn’t have to.
You asked how much you could do for someone and get nothing in return. I don’t know. Only you can answer that question. So far it sounds like the answer has been: “A lot!” But a better question to ask yourself is: “What do I want out of life and what am I willing to do to get it?”
If getting the relationship you want requires you to first end the relationship you’re in, are you willing to do it? What’s holding you back? You said you haven’t divorced your husband because you can’t stand the idea of the kids being alone with him because he’s irresponsible and lazy. Your kids are teenagers! With all due respect, they can take care of themselves at this point. (Not totally, perhaps, but the point is they’re not toddlers.) So, what’s really holding you back?
That’s what you’ve got to discover. That’s what you’ve got to deal with. (That’s also where a good therapist can help.) Once you do that, you’ll know what steps you need to take to change your life so that you can live the way that you want.
Hope this helps.
Karen
This article was so helpful and painful at the same time. I have been married for five years. In the first year, I gave birth to our first son and were separated. He cheated and got a woman pregnant who eventually ended the pregnancy. It was such a hard time for me. He left our home to go live with her and so much more humiliating thing. This lasted about 2 years. For the past 2 and a half years, we have been back together trying to make it work. He is wonderful but the problem is… He was wonderful in he beginning before the affair and i can’t help but always wonder when will he decide to leave again. All I think of when he complements me is…is he lying.. I feel so unwanted..as crazy a it sounds because I see him trying.. But in my head, I just can’t believe its genuine. I feel so lost and unloved, though he tells me often. So now that I want to leave, I feel so guilty that I wanted us back together back then but now I just dont.
I can understand how you would feel both mistrustful and guilty. What I’m wondering is, what good are either of those emotions doing for you? It sounds like they are making you unhappy!
I can’t tell you what to do. That is for you to decide. But, I do know that, even if you leave your marriage (it sounds like that is what you want to do), unless you deal with your feelings of betrayal and mistrust, they will continue to get in your way in the future. While you may think you would be more careful next time and not get involved with someone who cheats, you just never know what the future will hold. Learning how to let go of your anger and mistrust will ultimately help you immensely. While you may feel like forgiving your spouse would let him off the hook, in reality, it is you who is suffering.
Mind you, I’m not telling you to take your husband back. I’m not telling you to dump him either. While it sounds like he is really trying to make your marriage work, I am not living your life. Only you can decide what is right for you and your son. But until you learn to trust again, you are going to be hampered in any relationship you are in.
As a suggestion, you might try working with a counselor or therapist. That person can help you dig deeper into what is going on with you, and help you work on your trust, and work on dealing with your guilt. While there are no guarantees, you might find that, once you deal with these issues yourself, your marriage improves, too! (Maybe not. But, you never know!)
Hope that helps.
Karen
I have been married for 40 years and I THINK I want a divorce….just not sure…My husband is an addict and a liar. but now that he knows I’m serious, he is trying to change. I think it might be too late though. I don’t know what to do. I cheated, which I never thought I would do and we have separated. Can you give me some insight?
Are you unsure about whether you want a divorce? Or, are you just scared to do what you know you want?
Being scared is perfectly understandable. You have been married a long time. Getting divorced will turn your entire life upside down. It will change everything. Plus, there is no guarantee about how things will turn out. But, being scared is different from not knowing what you want.
As a general rule, happily married people don’t cheat on their spouse. Happily married people don’t spend their time thinking about getting a divorce. Unhappily married people do.
The first step in making a change (whether that would be to start working on your marriage to make it better, or to begin exploring divorce) is to be honest with yourself. Do some soul searching. Ask yourself what you really want, and what you need. Then listen to the voice inside that already knows the answer. Realize that you don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to DO anything. You don’t have to get a divorce just because you admit to yourself that that is what you want. On the other hand, admitting that you want to stay married doesn’t commit you to doing that either. Just face the truth, whatever it is.
Once you have gotten that far, you can begin to move closer toward doing what you want, and what you know is right. If you want a divorce, start exploring your options, and learning about what you are facing. Learn how divorce works. Get a handle on your finances. Start figuring out what your future as a single person will look like. Knowledge will help you deal with your fear.
Finally, be kind to yourself. The decision you are facing is not easy. Just take it one step at a time, and you will find your way.
Best.
Karen
I am beyond scared. We only been married for 2yrs but we been together 17. I got pregnant with my first child the first tume we slept togethet and we did make it this far but i was 20. Now fast forward to 37. I have 2 beatiuful girls one 16 & 12. We both have substance abuse problems but his has turned to crack and i am just not on that level. I dont feel emtionally connected lie we r not on the same level anymore but i know if i was to tell him i was leaving he would make it hell for me. He was abusive before in our younger years but not anymore. If this happens i think hell would break loose, there also financing divorce and never been without him. What would i do? Where would i go i cant maintain the house and he can literally take half of everything. I am the breadwinner but he can still get me for spousal support, child support and the house it just seems so much and i am fear it would be hell to even bother but yes i am miserable. And sex lets just say i make sure he is always taken care of meanwhile i am miserable. What do u think?
I think you know what you want. Unfortunately, it’s not my place to tell you whether you should get divorced or not.
What I can say is that you’re not alone. You’re also stronger than you think. If you’ve got a job and you’re taking care of your kids and dealing with your husband’s addiction, you’re strong! You may not be perfect, but so what? No one is.
I can also tell you that getting and staying clean and sober yourself will change your life and your daughters’ lives. It will also make getting a divorce (if you do get a divorce) way more manageable.
Finally, I think that you could really use some help. I STRONGLY recommend that you get a counselor. Also, I don’t know the nature of your addiction, but joining a 12 step program like AA can be super helpful. It will also give you a base support group. Whether you get divorced or stay married, you’re going to need that.
You don’t have to do this alone. When you’ve got help, everything becomes easier. So, find a divorce support group. Join AA or a substance abuse program. Get a counselor. Get help.
You can do this!
Karen
Thank you for your insight Karen…..I struggle so much with that fact that I have been in the marriage as long as I have. I keep wondering why I didn’t think of it sooner. And I feel guilty that stayed so long…weird right???? My husband is an addict, drugs and alcohol. We lost everything because of it. And I think he might be a narcissist. We haven’t had sex in 15 years. No closeness at all. I have sorta figured that this is just how my life would stay, I feel like we are room mates. I haven’t had a job so I haven’t had any money. Well, I got a job a year ago and I moved out. He was shocked I wanted out. I keep wondering if I should just stay with him simply for fear of being lonely. I wonder which would be worse. I am getting counseling and have been for 2 years and I love my counselor but I feel over the last 6 months he isn’t helping me anymore. I don’t know why though~ I am sure this posting is all over the place but that is where my mind and my heart are right now….I am taking things one day at a time, that is the only thing that keeps me sane….
You’re welcome! I’m happy to share whatever insight I may have. Now, for a little more …
#1 Stop beating yourself up! If you have been married to an addict and have had no physical relationship for 15+ years, my guess is that your self esteem and self confidence have taken a major hit. The fact that you got a job and moved out is an enormous step in the right direction!
#2 About that loneliness thing … how much lonelier can you be than when you are locked into a bad marriage with someone who is, for all practical purposes, a stranger to you? Right now you CAN’T find someone new because you are married. You are already living alone. If you get divorced, how much more alone are you going to get?
In my experience, doing anything from a place of fear rarely works out well. If you want to stay married because you are too afraid of being alone, you can. But, what kind of a marriage, and what kind of a life, are you going to have? We only get one shot at this life. How do you want to spend yours?
I don’t mean to be tough on you, but I think that you are capable of so much more. There is a whole universe out there, just waiting for you to step up and say, “Yes. I want a better life.” Once you do that, everything will start to change.
Will you be lonely after you get divorced? Probably. Everyone is lonely sometimes. But, there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. I can tell you from years of experience, that being alone can be awesome! And, yes, if you are alone long enough, you will experience times of loneliness. I certainly did. But I also had times of enormous joy and fulfillment and peace. Being alone gave me the time and space to learn and grow in ways that I never would have been able to do otherwise.
The bottom line is, it’s all up to you. Your life, and how you want to live it, is your choice. The really cool part is, if you look deep inside yourself, you will know what rings true. That’s where your answers are.
I wish you the best.
Karen
I’ve been married for 8 years. My wife struggles with alcohol and benzos, she’s hidden financial issues from me and she has been physically and emotionally distant for many years. When she is “on” she is an amazing person, but she cannot maintain it and suffers from depression and issues with her energy levels (she has severe anemia, but it’s also psychological). Our home is a mess (I’ve given up cleaning up after her and my stepdaughter). It’s been this way for several years, but I’ve been locked in indecision. Thats why your article spoke to me.
I recently stumbled across some really unusual text activity when paying the cell phone bill. I’ve discovered she’s texting a man in a neighboring state that is likely a customer of hers (she does sales). About 6-7,000 texts a month for two months. I have not confronted her yet (it’s been a couple of weeks) because of some travel I’m doing for work. I’m ready to leave but honestly scared. Scared of the consequences and so terrified of hurting her and what she may do. I plan on talking to her next week. I’m almost 100% sure this is it, while at the same time I can’t believe there is still a part of me waffling.
Hands down this is the hardest thing ever. Worse than going to war.
Of course a part of you is waffling! You are human. You have been married for 8 years. You also know how hard things are going to be for awhile. But, just because something is hard, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it.
I wish you the best when you talk to your wife. Be as kind as you can. But, you have to stay true to yourself, too. It sounds like your wife has made some really bad decisions, and that she is an active substance abuser. Living with her is not likely to get better unless she gets clean. It doesn’t sound like she has any interest in doing that. Even if she does, it will be a journey of years.
I know how hard this is for you. Hang in there, though. You have the strength to do what you know you need to do. As hard as that is, in the end, you will be glad that you didn’t take the easy way out.
Karen
Ive beeb divorced for 3 months. My husband is now living with a woman who he reconnected on facebook.. i got my house back from the divorce but im afraid i wont even be able to afford it. He didnt leave anything for me to maintain the outside, such a lawnmower or a snowblower for this winter. I still love him. I regret my divorce. I am Catholic and i believe we are given our spouses from God and that binds us. So sad everyday. Made horrible decisions in the last 3 months . Dont want to move on
It sounds like you could really use someone to talk with. A therapist would be a great choice.
The truth is that you are divorced. You can’t change that. I suppose you could remarry your husband. But, it doesn’t seem like that is what he wants to do. So all you can do at this point is to move on. But you can’t move on until you start dealing with your emotions. That is why I think a therapist would be great for you. A therapist can help you work through your feelings.
Once you get a handle on your emotions, you will start making better decisions. So, truly, the key is to work on yourself, and deal with how you feel.
Looking backward with regret won’t change anything. It won’t undo your divorce. It won’t put your marriage back together. I know you think you can’t get over your feelings, but I have worked with hundreds of divorcing people, and I can tell you that you absolutely can heal from your pain and move on with your life. But you have to be willing to let go and start working on healing.
It’s time. But, you have to decide you want to move forward. You have to do the work. A therapist will help. Give it a try. You will feel better.
Best.
Karen
Hi Karen
I have grown up finding it difficult to express or know what I want. I think I want to separate from a marriage of 36 years that I went into unwillingly due to a religious group’s pressure. As part of this insular group we raise 3 wonderful children and I hada successful career that distracted me from the doubts.which I repressed in orderto belong to the group. Now with grown children and mental heathissues and 67 I am afraid to get off the fence and make a decision. I should mention that my wife is wonderful and is willing to give me space but she deserves a partner who wants to spend time with her, I also don’t want to hurt her and am prone to Guilt if I leave. Been seeing therapists for years and been hospitalized numerous times over the anxiety provoked by the fence sitting.the anxiety thank yo for your postings and know advice is not something you give but tips about being honest with self or going within to find truth out appreciated, I seem to practically want tostick it out over fears of what I could lose or face in divorce.
First off, I’m not a therapist, so I can’t give you advice on how to deal with your anxiety over sitting on the fence. But I can tell you that your anxiety is costing you a lot. So, the question is: how badly do you want to resolve your anxiety? And, of course, the second question is: just how do you do that?
You said that your anxiety is caused by sitting on the fence about your marriage. If that’s true then the obvious way to get rid of it is to make a decision about whether to stay married or not. The problem is that divorce can make even calm people get anxiety. And, staying in a bad marriage can do the same. So, whether you make a decision or you don’t, you may still have a problem.
How do yo deal with that anxiety? One way is to look for your answers inside instead of outside.
You said you don’t know what you want. With all due respect, I don’t believe that. I think you know exactly what you want, you’re just afraid to go for what you want because you’re afraid of what you will lose if you do. So, it seems to me you either need to make peace with the fact that you’re not going to change your situation, or you need to manage your anxiety enough to make the change you seem to want to make.
Neither one of those are easy things to do. They both involve inner work — a LOT of inner work. But they are both very “do-able.”
Finally, know that it is entirely possible for you to change the way you feel about your marriage. If you do, you could find happiness right where you are. It is equally possible for you to walk away and get a divorce. You could then find happiness in your new life. The one place you WON’T find happiness, is where you’re at now – stuck in indecision and driving yourself crazy.
I don’t know the right answer for you. But I do know YOU have the power to find it for yourself.
Karen
I sacrificed my career for a long time for my marriage, but handled my 3 kids and managed to publish as a researcher. Having an independent group leader job was a fading option, but at the last minute I grabbed an opportunity. It meant to move from my husband and we could see each-other only on weekends. He did not want to sacrifice his job so we stayed apart. Two kids are gone for university and the 3rd is ten and lives with me. We live like this for almost 4 years and I gradually realized that I am happy without him and in fact hate the weekends when he comes. I am telling him this and that I never want to move back with him again but he then brakes down and cries. His career doesn’t go very well and now this is in the way of him finding a similar job closer to me and he cannot think of going too down. While my career is ok considering that I practicality raise my kid alone. We have one house for each of us, divorce seems easy. Except that if I just mention it he brakes down and loudly cries in the night to wake me up. My friend tells me that he might turn violent if I left him for good., yet he seems rather broken and tells me that he lives for winning me back. We have no physical intimacy for a while and I try to avoid even a handshake because he is willing to interpret it as a sign that I don’t mean what I say.
The other 2 children are financially depending on us, divorce might mean that they cannot finish their studies, but no other adverse consequence would be expected.
I still cannot go for a divorce, I don’t feal like surviving sleepless nights and sorrow for him, and my research is at a critical stage, I need my best effort. Some evenings I just need a drink and I am ready to cry at any moment yet I am holding it back and concentrate on work.
You are in a tough spot. Getting a divorce might hurt your kids’ studies. That won’t make them very happy, and they might resent you for it. Getting a divorce will probably also cause you to have many more sleepless nights, even if your husband stops crying all night. On the other hand, staying married out of guilt and obligation is not the recipe for a happy life.
You are holding in your emotions and turning to drink as a way to cope. Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but it sounds like you are very unhappy. It sounds like you have decided you don’t want to be married, but are simply too guilty to leave. You seem like a strong person, but you are not a machine. If you continue to live the way you are, you are either going to develop a serious drinking problem, get sick, or explode. Or, you may start behaving in ways that you don’t understand. One way or another, your subconscious (which is telling you that you are miserably unhappy) is going to make sure you listen.
It sounds like you need to think about what you want in your life, what is most important to you, and what you are willing to do to get it. I also challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions. The first is: do you want to be married to your husband? If not, why are you staying? If it is for work, are you willing to sacrifice your personal happiness for the sake of your research? If it is for your kids, are you willing to put aside your personal happiness so that they can finish school? What if doing that means you stay in a miserable marriage for another 10 – 12 years (the time when your youngest graduates from college)? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life in a miserable marriage just because you don’t want to see your husband cry?
On the other hand, are you willing to get a divorce if it means that your kids won’t be able to finish school? Is it true that if you divorce your kids won’t be able to find another way to finance their education? What if your husband does fall apart if you get divorced? Can you live with yourself if that happens?
These are the kinds of questions that you need to answer for yourself. I can’t answer them for you. If you need help figuring out your answers, you might want to find a good therapist or a coach who can help you. Having someone to talk to can make a world of difference.
Only you know what is right for you. But, at the moment, you are not being true to yourself. That’s why you are so unhappy. If you decide to get a divorce, will your life be easy? Of course not! But, living life as you are now isn’t easy either.
You have a lot to think about. Just remember, you only get one life. How do you want to spend yours?
I wish you the best.
Karen
Thank you Karen,
You are so much right!
I am strong and weak at the same time.
I have to deal with so much!
My daughter for example is a social person and very close to the brothers. They’re far and their visits cost. I am financially OK, if I took a loan it might push the boys through but we will hardly see them.
I am alone for most of the week, so I cannot go out without my daughter, but at least I have my privacy. I am dealing with my husband by pretending he does not exist for most part of the week. I avoid drinking by not keeping any at home, only a certain part of the evening is dangerous. I wrote a letter to you instead.
My scientific success is important because that is the mind games that keeps my brain fit and ,not least importantly secures my financial independence. The problem is the publish or perish nature of the scientific work, I cannot get out without loosing ground.
I am unhappy, you are right! I try to wait out until at least one is the boys finish. Last time I suggested one of them to try for a PHD instead of first doing an MAc, he replied that he might even go to travel for a year. This made me burst out crying and drinking.
My husband sufferrs, too. He doesn’t understand why I don,t respond to his efforts, but I simply cannot. He suggested to go to counselling, but then wanted to make me promise that we pre-agree that we both say that we are here for making this work. In my eye this makes counselling (together) pointless.
Thanks again, I think I will get to the point to get out of this situation, but it is not easy.
You’ve got a lot to think about.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi Ildiko. I am in the exact same situation. Except ;I dont have kids. How did your situation turn out? Are you divorced
You are in a tough spot. Getting a divorce might hurt your kids’ studies. That won’t make them very happy, and they might resent you for it. Getting a divorce will probably also cause you to have many more sleepless nights, even if your husband stops crying all night. On the other hand, staying married out of guilt and obligation is not the recipe for a happy life.
You are holding in your emotions and turning to drink as a way to cope. Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but it sounds like you are very unhappy. It sounds like you have decided you don’t want to be married, but are simply too guilty to leave. You seem like a strong person, but you are not a machine. If you continue to live the way you are, you are either going to develop a serious drinking problem, get sick, or explode. Or, you may start behaving in ways that you don’t understand. One way or another, your subconscious (which is telling you that you are miserably unhappy) is going to make sure you listen.
It sounds like you need to think about what you want in your life, what is most important to you, and what you are willing to do to get it. I also challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions. The first is: do you want to be married to your husband? If not, why are you staying? If it is for work, are you willing to sacrifice your personal happiness for the sake of your research? If it is for your kids, are you willing to put aside your personal happiness so that they can finish school? What if doing that means you stay in a miserable marriage for another 10 – 12 years (the time when your youngest graduates from college)? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life in a miserable marriage just because you don’t want to see your husband cry?
On the other hand, are you willing to get a divorce if it means that your kids won’t be able to finish school? Is it true that if you divorce your kids won’t be able to find another way to finance their education? What if your husband does fall apart if you get divorced? Can you live with yourself if that happens?
These are the kinds of questions that you need to answer for yourself. I can’t answer them for you. If you need help figuring out your answers, you might want to find a good therapist or a coach who can help you. Having someone to talk to can make a world of difference.
Only you know what is right for you. But, at the moment, you are not being true to yourself. That’s why you are so unhappy. If you decide to get a divorce, will your life be easy? Of course not! But, living life as you are now isn’t easy either.
You have a lot to think about. Just remember, you only get one life. How do you want to spend yours?
I wish you the best.
Karen
I remember when my husband still had the ability to make me cry, or hurt my feelings, or make me smile. Coming up on 18 years of marriage I realized recently that I cannot remember the last time I felt any intense emotions for him at all. We are not intimate at all and have not been for more than 2 years – he expresses interest but I do not. I do not feel close or connected to him at all – I actually feel more like I have had to do most everything while he tends to his work or sits on the couch playing on his tablet. I am starting to understand that I want out of this marriage; that I am very unhappy and tired and just absolutely spent. I work 2 jobs and go to University full-time so my time is stretched very thin. I will admit part of the reason I keep this schedule is to avoid being home, but I also genuinely want to finish my degree and continue moving up the ladder. I am finding myself very attracted to others and wishing I could act on that – I will not cheat on my spouse but it is very concerning to me that I’m tempted to in the first place. I think the thing that keeps me where I am is feeling utterly and hopelessly trapped. My husband is passive and depends on me for everything…at the end of the day I don’t want to cause him any pain because he is a good man. He doesn’t deserve to have his heart smashed to bits, but I don’t think I can stay and be miserable much longer. Another major fear I have is change in general – can I afford to be on my own? What if I end up making a mistake and realize this isn’t what I wanted? What if I end up alone for the rest of my life?
Too much fear and uncertainty. Logically I know that divorce is difficult and that people will get hurt – so how does one overcome that and take the leap into an empty void?
Thank you,
I can hear how you are torn between wanting to leave, and being afraid to leave. I can understand your hesitancy. If you leave, everything will change. That change may or may not work out the way you want. But, if you stay, and nothing changes, you already know that’s not working out the way you want. So, it seems to me that your choice is not between happiness and uncertainty. It is between unhappiness and uncertainty.
Of course, if you and your husband could repair your relationship you could be happy, too. But, it didn’t sound like that was an option for you. If you have gotten past the point of no return in your marriage, then your only choices are to stay married and miserable, or get divorced and maybe be miserable, or maybe start to actually be happy.
You asked, “What if I end up making a mistake and realize this isn’t what I wanted?” What if you stay and realize you’ve wasted your life and blown your only chance at happiness by staying in a loveless relationship? You asked, “What if I end up alone for the rest of my life?” If your marriage is as bad as you say, aren’t you alone already (at least for all practical purposes)?
You also asked how you would know if you could afford to be on your own. That is actually a little easier to figure out. Make a budget. Compare your income with your expenses and see whether you will be able to make ends meet on your own. You may have to cut your expenses, or get a second job to be able to support yourself. Or, maybe you will be fine. I don’t know. But actually making a budget will show you your financial picture pretty quickly.
I can’t tell you what to do, or how to make this decision. It is yours alone to make. I know it’s not an easy decision. I can tell you that not making a decision IS a decision. Your life will pass you by as you anguish over what you should do. If you want to take control of your life and have any chance of making it better, you will need to decide, one way or another, what you want, and then take action to make your decision a reality.
I wish you the best.
Karen
I am in a similar situation, but my husband and I have been together for 39 years, I have moved out on my own but I haven’t divorced. I am so happy I moved out and I have been able to make it work financially. There are times when I wonder if I want to possibly be alone for the rest of my life but then I am reminded this is better then being with him. I saw him the other day and it didn’t take long to for him to say something that reminded me why I left. Here’s something to think about, if you leave him and realize down the road you are sorry you did, is there a chance that you could get him back?
Food for thought.
Food for thought.
Hi Dawn,
When I leave it will be for good, which is why I’m trying so hard to make the best decisions now. I’m a cautious person; I try to look at things from all angles (wehre was that 18 years ago?!?!) My husband would probably be open for reconciliation, but that comes with me knowing that nothing changes and I’m not willing to live that way anymore. I’m not quite ready to move out – I need to figure out a budget as Karen suggested – and I need to think about what would be best as we divide our current life into two separate ones. Example: the house is in my name, but he will never willingly leave it. So I need to consider my options….have him buy me out? Sell it and split it? These are the things I’m looking at.
I also feel so stuck and i have no idea how exactly to explain my situation. I got married at 24 but I’ve been with her since i was 18. Fact is I do love her but sometimes I wonder if it is more of a best friend or family type of love. I feel very unattracted to her and maybe that is a big part of why i started losing my connection with her in the first place. Sometimes I think that I am just to scared to tell her how i feel because all the changes that will follow, sometimes i feel like I just couldn’t put her through that pain because i know the feelings are not mutual, and sometimes i feel like i just couldn’t imagine life without her, because as i said i do love her. However when she hugs me and tells me how much she missed me after I’ve been away for work i just don’t feel the same. sometimes i feel like i love her so much that i don’t want to take everything away from her by leaving. But sadly i feel so empty with her and I want to go out and live my own life have experiences I’ve never had because of being married at such a young age. Understand also that i have tried,,, i have put much effort into being more sexually attracted to her but she just never is what i need. I also Have tried rebuilding the connection but i do not feel the same with her as i used to. We do not have any kids or a house together (we live in an apartment) so it should be much more simple but it doesn’t feel that way. I have never known another adult life and maybe that is why i am so afraid of the idea of being away from her. Whatever the reason is, simply put I feel unhappy.
I can hear how unhappy you feel. It seems like you’ve tried many things to make the spark come back into your marriage. Have you tried couples counseling? What about individual therapy for yourself? What about sex therapy? (Don’t blow off this idea. It can work!)
The truth is that ignoring your issue won’t make it go away. You are not likely to suddenly wake up one day and, after not being attracted to your wife at all, magically think you’re wife is a smoking hot goddess!
If you try to push down your feelings one of two things will happen: you will either start to resent your wife, and will ultimately end up being angry, having an affair, or acting out in some other way. Or, you will crush your own spirit and end up trying to bury your emotions in some unhealthy way, perhaps through alcohol, or food, or whatever your vice of choice may be. Either choice leaves you with results you don’t want.
As scary as it is, if you want to be happy, you have to DO something. Maybe that means getting a divorce. Maybe it means working more on your marriage, or on yourself. What you do is your decision. But, if you make no decision, and you don’t do anything, your life is not likely to change. You will just get more unhappy and more frustrated.
If you truly love your wife, you owe it to her to be honest with her. You owe it to yourself to face your fears and deal with them. Once everything is in the open, maybe the two of you will be able to work together to create the marriage that both of you want. Or not. But, one thing is certain. Doing nothing means nothing will change.
Best.
Karen
I’m in a 30 year marriage where our values have always differed. The content of television, movies, books has always been the main point of contention leading to name calling and threats of divorce. My shock and disgust level is way higher than hers and thus she thinks I’m scum (a safe and reliable scum) but just one that she can’t have under her roof anymore. I can’t argue someone’s value system and I’ve tried to live up to hers but it doesn’t work. I can only come up with I love her but I don’t like her anymore. Is that a valid statement? I’m afraid to get divorced because maybe I’ll find out she’s been right all of these years. Maybe I am just a non-discerning jerk. On the other hand maybe I’m normal. In any case we’re moving forward in this divorce (thank God the kids are grown) and hopefully I’ll discover I’m an okay guy for someone else. Do other people get divorced over issues like this?
People get divorced for all kinds of reasons. It seems to me that getting divorced because your spouse thinks you are scum and treats you like scum is a pretty decent reason to end your marriage!
You said you were afraid to get divorced. Most people are. Divorce is scary. The prospect of spending the rest of your life alone is scary. But, personally, I think that giving up any chance at happiness and allowing yourself to spend the rest of your life in a marriage with someone who thinks you are a jerk is scary too.
Will you find out now that you are a horrible human being and that no one else will ever want to marry you? Maybe. (I doubt it. But, I suppose it’s possible) But, maybe you will find someone whose values are more similar to yours, and she will think you’re amazing!
I have my fingers crossed for you.
Karen
I don’t know where to start….I am 37 and have been married for 16 years, been together for 19 years. We have 3 beautiful daughters. He has been the bread earner as we decided it was better if I stayed home with the girls. I have always felt guilty that he was the obly one working so I always did what i could do to help, shop at the cheapest shops, not ask for much, be supporting the best I could…tried to be the wife that I thought he wanted and in the end I would get the love and respect from him that I desperatelly wanted. Saddly instead we never celebrated anything ie, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. As he hated the idea of having to ‘must do something on that speciffic date’. So I let it be, didn’t want to make problems. Every wedding we went to he would go off sociolising, dancing with other single ladies, etc, while I looked after our children and kept his close fam company. We didn’t even exist to him. Every time we visited mine or his family he would just get lost catching to to everyone not knowing we existed, again. I hardly ever got any presents or any kind of spoiling. He worked abroad while again I took our kids to school, tended to their needs, if they were poorly I did it all myself, never bothered him with anything as I wanted him to have the energy to work. Our w/ends were mainly spent visiting family where he goes off playing board games while girls and I were alone again. I have spoken to him, explained how I felt and asked what we could do about it all on many occations yet nothing ever changes. The more I mention anything he goes in the exact opposite direction. I know he doesn’t do any of it to directly hurt me and I know he is a very social person…. but should we not be his priority? I don’t feel loved by him even though he says he wants me in his life and no one else. He will go away with work people and do all sorts of activities yet when I mention that I want to do something he says I have already done that its not much fun so…. we have nothing in common any more. We do nothing together any more. Bisiness is now really bad so financial troubles are not helping. Now that kids are bigger, 13, 10, and 5….I have started working too…. Nothing ever changes….he still sociolises and flirts with any woman out there….I know he doesn’t mean to flirt but he really does. Saddly there are many many more problems than just that….his mother hates me etc…all sprts. I have been unhappy for….not sure how long any more….but last 2-3 years I really see that we don’t have that love that a couple should have and am bot sure if we ever did. It just makes me so sad….the smallest things like no kiss goodnight breaks my heart. Not to mention the bigger thibgs. I don’t know the last time we celebrated ANYTHING. I always make an effort for his bday, to make him feel loved and special, but all I get is….well I guess a kiss and happy birthday should be enough….should it? Someone you have given ur life to….we all have one life and I have chosen to share it with the person who finds everyone more interesting than me. Every night am sat alone with a glass of wine (glass of wine not every night) as he cant help falling asleep…. He is home all day….whats so exausting about that? I give up everything to be there for my fam….I don’t feel that he does the same. Every comment I have made about him making me unhappy is somehow my fault in his eyes. And he makes me feel that way too. Then I think about it and I say ‘not huni, it isn’t my fault u decoded to dance with that single girl instead of showing some loving time to your wife’. How on earth is that my fault? Not once has he said ‘am sorry that you felt that way…it was not my intention’. I gave birth to 3 children and make sure I look as beautiful as can be every day. I have lost over 30kg after every pregnancy and I wear a dress size 8/10 (uk) so what is it that I am doing wrong? People tell me I look like JLo, not that it matters but to give you an idea of how much I do take care of how I look. I get approached on a daily basis with compliments from men and men who ask for my number so we can sometimes hook up. I never have ofcourse. I cook, I clean, I look after our babies, i serve him his meal every time he comes home and I clean up after him, I take our kids to bed which is something he seriously never does! i don’t complain about the hrs he works as I know its supporting us…so what is there more for me to do? Shut up when u are taking women out to lunches and dinners, stay quiet when you are ignoring my calls and u don’t call back for days, stay quiet when I don’t get help with the kids and around the house when u are home….WHAT?! Now am brocken, am used up, and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry, cry, cry…..and cry some more. I don’t want to be arounf someone who doesn’t bring out the best in me. He kills me. I then take it out on the kids, and I hate myself for that. I have gotten better at it and try to protect my girls as much as I can. Its all just sooooo exausting….and I don’t want to be exausted any more I want to be alone I just don’t know how. Therapy and lawyers are expensive….
Oh my dear! My heart goes out to you. I can tell how much pain you are in and how tired you are. I wish I could waive a magic wand for you and make your life better, but I can’t!
So, what to do?
I think you know.
Lets start with the obvious. You are not happy! Not at all! But you’ve been in the same situation for years and years. Nothing has changed and nothing has gotten better. Here’s the truth you already know but don’t want to hear: Unless YOU change, nothing else will change either.
Believe it or not, you have the power to reclaim your life and be happy again. You hold that power in your own hands. But you have to have the courage to use it.
You said that therapy and lawyers are expensive. You’re absolutely right.
So, what’s your life worth?
What are you worth?
Trust me when I tell you that the answer to both of those questions amounts to way more than all the therapy and lawyer bills in the world. But, to be honest, I wouldn’t rush off to see a lawyer yet. You’ll probably need one eventually, but before you can work on ending your marriage (if that’s ultimately what you decide to do), you’ve first got to work on building yourself back up. Years of neglect and poor treatment have made you question your own worth.
I encourage you to make a vow that starting today, you’re going to put yourself first. Yes, I know. You feel like you could never do that! Your girls will always come first! Uh-huh. Listen to me. You can’t help anyone else if you don’t help yourself first. There is a reason why the flight attendants tell parents to put their own oxygen masks on first, then put the masks on their kids.
It’s not that you shouldn’t love and take care of your kids. But you’ve also got to love and take care of you. The fact that your husband isn’t doing that is all the more reason why you need to double-down and do it yourself.
Find something you love to do and do it just for you. (It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Buying yourself flowers or taking yourself out to a movie is less than $15.) Get yourself into therapy! Find a good therapist and GO! Check with your insurance company. Some of the cost may be covered under your health insurance plan. Even if it’s not, go! It will be well worth it.
Find a support group, or friends you can go out with and have fun. (Yes, I said have fun!) You don’t have to party all night long. But, there’s no harm in going out for a drink at happy hour once every week or two.
Do whatever you need to do to start feeling good yourself. Stop waiting for your husband to treat you well. He’s clearly not going to do that. So treat yourself well. Once you do that enough, you’ll have the power to take your next steps. (… whatever they are!)
The bottom line is that, if you want to be happy, YOU have to change. When you change, either your marriage and your husband will also change, or you’ll have the strength to leave them. For now, don’t worry about that. Worry about you. That’s more than enough!
Hope that helps.
Karen
PS I also recommend “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay. It will give you a good start.
My husband is torturing me because of his Fidelity
Hello I need some help. My husband abuses me mentally and emotionally. Sometimes we fight and he is cheating on me. I won’t to leave but he is in the military and I am unemployed and I’m afraid he will try to take our children just to hurt me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have the money for a lawyer. Where can I find HELP???
A lot of lawyers will give you a free consultation. I would start with that. Make an appointment with a good divorce lawyer in your area, preferably one who has experience in military divorce. You can also try consulting with your local legal aid office. Another idea is to see if there are any law schools in your area. Sometimes law schools have legal clinics that are staffed with students, and supervised by practicing attorneys. If you can find a local law school with a program like that, they may be able to take your case too.
One last idea is to call domestic violence organizations. If your husband has not hurt you physically, they may not be able to help you. But, they may have a referral list of attorneys who they work with who might be willing to help you anyway.
I hope this helps.
Karen
A lot of lawyers will give you a free consultation. I would start with that. Make an appointment with a good divorce lawyer in your area, preferably one who has experience in military divorce. You can also try consulting with your local legal aid office. Another idea is to see if there are any law schools in your area. Sometimes law schools have legal clinics that are staffed with students, and supervised by practicing attorneys. If you can find a local law school with a program like that, they may be able to take your case too.
One last idea is to call domestic violence organizations. If your husband has not hurt you physically, they may not be able to help you. But, they may have a referral list of attorneys who they work with who might be willing to help you anyway.
I hope this helps.
Karen
Hello I need some help. My husband abuses me mentally and emotionally. Sometimes we fight and he is cheating on me. I won’t to leave but he is in the military and I am unemployed and I’m afraid he will try to take our children just to hurt me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have the money for a lawyer. Where can I find HELP???
Lots of lawyers give free consultations. If you could find a local lawyer who will give you an initial consultation for free, that would be a good place to start. At least you would have educated yourself a bit about what your options are. Plus, you may be surprised. Many states have laws that allow one spouse to collect attorney’s fees from the other. So, even if you don’t have money, if your husband does, a lawyer may be willing to take your case, and then try to get your husband to pay the fees. (It’s not always possible, and it doesn’t always happen, but you never know!)
You should also check out your local Legal Aid offices. They usually have tight budgets, but they help as many people as they can. Sometimes law schools run pro bono (for free) legal clinics and they may be willing to take your case, too.
Hope this helps.
Karen
Lots of lawyers give free consultations. If you could find a local lawyer who will give you an initial consultation for free, that would be a good place to start. At least you would have educated yourself a bit about what your options are. Plus, you may be surprised. Many states have laws that allow one spouse to collect attorney’s fees from the other. So, even if you don’t have money, if your husband does, a lawyer may be willing to take your case, and then try to get your husband to pay the fees. (It’s not always possible, and it doesn’t always happen, but you never know!)
You should also check out your local Legal Aid offices. They usually have tight budgets, but they help as many people as they can. Sometimes law schools run pro bono (for free) legal clinics and they may be willing to take your case, too.
Hope this helps.
Karen
Dear Karen,
Thank you so much for this excellent article. I feel so lost. I’ve been with my husband for 9 years, (married for 5 of them) and 2 children aged 3 and 1. Superficially we have a great relationship. We do lots of things together and we are an excellent parenting team (he is really such wonderful father). We have common interests and we respect and support each other. But the truth is that I do not love him. In fact half the time he really irritates me. I feel like we just see the world differently and we do not know how to have fun together any more. I would be really happy if I never needed to have sex with him again. He has strong sexual appetites but I could pretty much do without, I sleep with him about once a month but for him not for me. Also I do not feel stimulated by his conversation what little of it there is. When we go on holiday together with my family he behaves like he doesn’t really want to be there. When we go away just the 4 of us the days drag a little. He doesn’t show me any physical (non-sexual) attention and never opens his heart to me, how he feels about anything (including me) is a mystery, he never asks how I feel about things. I feel like there is a thick skin between us that we cannot penetrate. However he does tend to show love by being very helpful and practical (like looking after my car, buying me flowers, picking me up from the train station if I need him to). Until very recently I thought I was happy. And then I opened my heart to my sister and I can’t put those feeling back in the box now. I don’t feel particularly unhappy, I get a lot of pleasure from my friends and family, my children, our beautiful home etc – life is good…but romantically, sexually, and in my soul I am unfulfilled. And the most tragic thing about this is that I don’t think I ever truly loved him, in the run up to the wedding I had seriously cold feet, but I lacked courage to back out, and I really didn’t want to be alone and I really wanted children. So I guess what I’m saying is my nesting instinct took over and I settled for someone who was good – but not right for me really. Now I am torn. I could potter along like this for the rest of my life which would be better for my children and easier for me in a lot of ways (children, finances, friendships, family etc) but I can’t help feeling that not only would I be conning myself out of the opportunity for true happiness, I would also be taking the best years of my husband’s life to spend with someone he thinks loves him, but who doesn’t. I think that is probably a pretty awful thing to do to someone, I feel terribly guilty. Either way I guess there is pain. I don’t know if you will have time to reply, but if you do I would really appreciate your comments. Thank you.
Oh my! Where do I start?
I can feel how torn you are. Nothing is really “wrong.” You have the “perfect” marriage on the outside. But, on the inside ….
The first question I have for you is whether you have shared your feelings with your husband? There may be things that you can work on in your relationship together that will bring you closer together as a couple. Believe it or not, “connection” can be built. The fact that you weren’t totally in love with him before you married him isn’t the best sign, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed and that you will never be in love with him. Of course, in order for you to create the connection you desire, you are going to both have to work at it.
Of course, coming clean with your real feelings is likely to rock your husband’s world. Just as you discovered when you opened your heart to your sister, sometimes you can’t get the Genie back into the bottle once it’s out.
The real question is: who are you deep down inside, and what do you want for your life? Those questions are deceptively simple. My guess is, if I asked you what you want out of life, if you’re like most people, you would answer me with something like: “I want to be happy.” Or, “I want to be in love.” Or, “I want a great marriage … not just a superficially great marriage, but a really great marriage!” But what do those ideas MEAN to you?
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to start your wheels turning. Know that there are no “right” answers. There are only right answers are the ones that are authentic for you.
Can you ever be deeply in love with your husband? How do you know? Have you tried? What if he changed? What if you changed? Can you change the way you view him, yourself, and your relationship, enough to create with him the kind of connection you truly desire? Can you believe that’s possible? (Here’s a hint. If you don’t believe that something is even possible, it probably won’t happen for you.)
On the other hand, if you stayed in this marriage and things don’t change, can you be happy? Someday, when you are 80+ years old and on your death bed, will you regret it if you never left your husband? Will you regret it if you did?
If you never leave, and you never find true happiness, will you regret that when you die? What if you do leave and you still never find the kind of love and connection you are looking for? Will you regret leaving?
Here’s the bottom line: the only one who can figure out what is best for you is you! While you are going back and forth over all of these questions (and more), you will likely be extremely uncomfortable. (Sorry!) You may even be in true agony, because you are not asking easy questions. But nothing is for free. If you put in the time, and the soul searching, eventually you will come up with the answer you are looking for. You will know the answer in your head, and feel it in your heart. But getting to your answer wil probably require you to go through a lot of angst. If you don’t, or aren’t willing to, put in the time and effort to wrestle with these hard questions, you can always continue on with life as it is. There is nothing wrong with that. But that means that you may end up living a life of quiet desperation — never being truly happy or realizing your dreams, but never be entirely unhappy either.
I hope this helped, at least a little bit.
Karen
PS If you want to know more questions to ask to figure out whether, and when, you should divorce, you might want to check out: When is it Time to Divorce? 18 Questions to Help You Decide.
Thank you so much Karen, I am going to read and re-read your answer. Everything you said rings true. I have so much to think about. I think I need to take my time to do it!
You’re welcome!
Hi Karen,
The more I think about it the more I think that it isn’t right to spend the rest of my life (could be 50+ years!) with a man I don’t love, and so unfair on him too! I want him to be loved too and it’s just not fair to hide from him that emotionally I don’t feel what a wife should feel for a husband. I also feel like he drains the pleasure out of our shared experiences. We had a day in the sunshine at an idyllic park last weekend and he was so absent he hardly added anything to the day, I felt like i could almost have been on my own (although admittedly 2 boys under 4 would have been harder). At best he’s my friend at worst he’s a black hole I’m throwing my life away into. That phrase ‘quiet desperation’ you used really resonated with me.
Anyhow, I have 2 questions. I’m in the UK, I want to get informed about my rights, my finances and divorce processes so that before I choose to talk to him I can be informed and prepared for whichever way he reacts. Can you recommend who I should talk to?
Secondly I want you to tell me if I’m fantasising. I’m thinking potentially we could have a really amicable undramatic separation and remain friends and co-parents. Still even spend time together as a family. I have this gut feeling that he has emotionally checked out of this marriage too. And when I tell him how I feel he might totally understand, even feel relief! I also imagine (in these fantasies) us making this really smooth for the boys, and having a custody arrangement that works seamlessly. OK so just writing this makes me feel naive. Can you let me know if couples from non conflict marriages where the love has just gone ever achieve this kind of divorce?
Thanks again in advance.
Angela.
Sorry. Sometimes it takes me a bit to respond to all of the questions I get. I answered this in your second comment.
Karen
Dear Karen,
I have decided I can’t stay put for the rest of my life (could be 50+ years) with a man I don’t love. It’s not fair on me or on him.
However 2 questions – where can I get informed about everything I might need to know before I talk to him? He’s a lawyer so if he flip out could be awful for me. I’m in the UK.
Question 2 – is a really nice divorce possible! I have what I think are probably unrealistic fantasies, like everything’s amicable, we stay friends, we even continue to spend time together as a family and even possibly extended family for kids’ birthday parties and that kind of thing. Have you ever seen this happen? My gut feeling is he has checked out emotionally too but I don’t know because we don’t talk about important things. Thank you!!
By the way I wrote this yesterday but it doesn’t seem to have posted, apologies if you have to approve it before it posts and you are getting this same message twice.
It seems like you have made some decisions. That’s a good start.
Okay, question 1: How do you find out everything you need to know before you talk to your husband? That’s a tough question, but a good one. I have created an online divorce program that is designed to answer exactly that question for a price that is much more affordable than what you would pay a lawyer. It’s called The Divorce Road Map Program. Here is the link if you want to check it out.
I want to be honest with you, though. I am not an expert in UK law, and I can’t promise you that all of the information in the program will apply in the UK. If you want to give it a try, by all means, sign up. (It comes with a money back guarantee.) But, if not, though, you’re going to have to do this the old fashioned, and expensive way. (Sorry.) That means you are going to have to pay a lawyer (in the UK it would be a solicitor) to sit down and educate you about what you need to do to prepare for your divorce, and what you can expect to get. S/he can educate you about the law, and about the divorce process. You also might want to get some guidance from a local divorce coach. They can provide you with a wealth of information at a fraction of the cost.
As for question 2, yes! a “nice” divorce is absolutely possible! But, don’t expect it to happen overnight! Whether you can pull it off also depends on you and your spouse.
Lots of people start with the idea that they want an amicable, “nice” divorce. Some are able to achieve that right away. But, most go through an ugly time. They try to be amicable, but their emotions are just too raw. They are in too much pain to be friends. But, if they stay out of court, and at least try to be kind and considerate of each other’s feelings, they can usually get through their divorce in a civilized way. Eventually, they can grow to be friends again. But if often takes time.
I have worked with many people who have gone through their divorce and remained civil with each other. Later, they were even friends again. But, it usually took some time. But, know, though, that it can be done.
If that’s what you want to do, and your spouse is on board, you absolutely can do it. Just make sure to honor your own feelings, and your spouse’s feelings. Give yourself and each other a break. Let yourself feel. Give yourself space. Give yourself time. I have no doubt that you’ll get there!
Best,
Karen
Article is the only one I have found (new to this) that addresses this situation. I like that you use Socratic method and have refrained from giving advice. Very smart. Really wish I wasn’t researching this topic- 31 years of a childless, mostly plutonic relationship. Can’t imagine leaving; ours is my first real home. But, I keep trying to get the idea across but he’s pretty much clueless, and our whole life has been, “what’s important to T is important.” Which includes the idea that what’s not important to T is not important at all. We were SUPPOSED to have kids, but he changed his mind. Don’t know how much longer I can live with his negativity, arrogance, micromanaging and criticizing. But, I’m terrified of how much worse life could be. I am well within my rights according to God. I tried to leave years ago– moved to another state for a year. We barely hugged when we saw each other for the first time; haven’t had sex or even kissed since 2006, 🙁 (less than five times since 1996). He sold MY paid for vehicle, against my desire. He bought us a new truck because I needed something more dependable. He just uses it if I’m not….. Damn! that happened two years ago and still infuriates me. He finally admitted he was wrong the other day, but says all he can do is apologize. I’d like him to learn from his mistakes…. Anyway, I can stay in a pretty cage where almost every move I make is scrutinized, but living accommodations are nice– or I can start again at 55 and hope I die before I can’t afford to live. And pray that that time is not in my near future. lol
You said you’re terrified of how much worse life could be. But what if it was amazingly better?
Hi Karen. I have been with my wife for 28years (3dating and 25married). Have three “adult ” children. I recently had an emotional affair that turned physical and have leftmy wife and in middle of a separation. When asked why I did it, my answer was that I was controlled and the relationship lacked any real intimacy. The response to that was that I let myself be controlled and that she becam emotionally detached. I don’t hate my wife but I have found something with someone I have not wxperienc d before. A love that I really want to explore. I am so scared of moving forward, feel guilt for not going the counselling route even though she was well aware of the coercive control techniques (threats etc). she used right from the get go, never felt my needs ever came first. Kids have alienated me and refuse to communicate with me (to be fair they never saw us really arguing as I would usually concede before it got to that point, so this has really blindsided them). I have amazing support from my brothers and sisters and mother, all who have said it is great to see “me” back both physically (trips to see them were brief and few and closely guarded). My children were really not afforded the opportunities to develop close relationships with my side and have alienated them as well. Have visited with psychologist and therapist but it has s still hard. What I have learned through this is that when you constantly put others first you teach them that you always come second and if you do something that contradicts this the guilt and fear is overwhelming!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story!
I know that what you have been through hasn’t been easy. Moving forward with a divorce after such a long term marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances. Hopefully, your children will come around. Keep the door open to a relationship with them. Make sure they know that, even if they choose not to communicate with you, you are always open to communicating with them. Keep trying. In time, they may start to understand your position better. In time, they may learn to forgive you for what they perceive as the “wrong” you have done to them. It will take time.
I wish I could say something to you that would make this difficult time easier. Unfortunately, nothing I can say will change what you are going through. Know this, though: just because something is hard, that doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing.
Only you can decide what is right for you. You are stronger than you think. It’s normal to be afraid. It’s normal to feel guilty. Keep talking to your psychologist and therapist so that you can work through your emotions. Make sure you get the support you need right now. That will help a lot.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi Karen,
Your article was one of the most insightful articles about the fear and anguish that comes with struggling with a decision to divorce I’ve read in a while.
I’ve been married to my husband for over 4 years now but we’ve been together for 10. He’s always been somewhat jealous and/or possessive during our relationship but I chalked it up to our age difference (he’s almost 13 years older than me).
The accusations of cheating and constant phone calls, text messages to “check up on me” even when I’m at work has gotten out of hand to the point where my supervisor has taken notice. I’ve asked that he refrain at least while I’m at work and he got very angry. We’ve gotten in several verbal arguments lately because he says I’m not the same woman I was 10 years ago. And he’s right, I’m not! We all change in one way or another as we get older.
He doesn’t cheat on me, he is a good provider, and he loves my son. But the constant need to question me on everything from who I’m texting to why I spent $15 on a pair of jeans while looking at my checking account has made me pull away and not want to share anything anymore.
I’ve tried to communicate my feelings but feel like I get nowhere. Anyway thank you for your article and for taking the time to read my comment.
You’re welcome.
Your situation sounds so sad, mostly because it doesn’t have to be that way! If your husband could see the effect that his jealousy is having on you, perhaps he would change. Of course, that having been said, the only person who can change your husband is your husband. So, he will only change if he sees the need to do so.
If you haven’t tried going to couples counseling, you may want to try that. Even though you’ve tried to communicate your feelings to your husband in the past, it is entirely possible that he didn’t really hear what you were saying. (Yes. I know. You’re thinking,”That’s impossible! I was so clear in what I said.” But, we all hear what we want to hear, and what we expect to hear.) Sometimes, an independent professional can help us see and hear the things that otherwise don’t sink in.
Just a suggestion.
Karen
This is exactly my problem. I feel like deep-down the marriage isn’t salvageable but the thought of divorce is terrifying and unless one of us says something, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing.
I changed my religious beliefs after we got married, which was devastating in and of itself, but the problem is now we disagree on how to raise future children. He now doesn’t want kids at all if we have different parenting philosophies, even if I agree to have them raised in his tradition, but I absolutely know I want kids. He is also very fundamental in his beliefs and his employment is related to his religion. I am in school and have no income for another year yet.
I love him to death. We are compatible in so many ways. But long-term I don’t know how we will manage. I don’t know where I would go or how I would live with minimal income right now. But I can’t stand living every day knowing that we will not work out. We’ve been to marriage counseling but it didn’t do much – and how can it if his beliefs and opinions are un-compromisable?
It sounds like you are butting up against certain “non-negotiable” beliefs that each of you has.
Let me start by saying that, you are right. If neither one of you is willing to compromise your religious beliefs (and I’m not saying that you should, or that you shouldn’t) then your future as a married couple, and certainly as parents, is not looking rosy.
I can hear how much you want children. But, I wonder: how would you feel if you have children and he wants to raise them in a way that you fundamentally disagree with? What kind of life will your children have if they are raised by two warring parents, who can’t agree on any parenting issue? Do you think your kids will have a peaceful, happy childhood with parents who are so at odds with each other?
Getting divorced is traumatic for everyone – but especially for kids. If you are going to get divorced (and it sounds like that is the road you are headed down) why bring kids into your life? That’s not fair to your kids. It will also tie you to your husband, and his religious beliefs, forever.
I can hear you want kids. I hope that someday you have them. But, having them right now may not be your best choice. It may satisfy you, but it will create a life of drama for your kids.
I can hear how much you love your husband. But, the issues you are facing have nothing to do with whether you love him. They have to do with whether you can live with him, and whether you can raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children with him.
If you can find a way to reconcile your beliefs and your husband’s beliefs, then you may be able to save your marriage. Reconciling beliefs doesn’t mean giving up your own beliefs to please him, but then resenting that you did it. It means finding a way to truly be okay with your different beliefs, and your different parenting styles. If you can’t do that, where are you going?
Dear Karen,
Thanks for this article. I have been with my husband for ten years and married for five. We met when I was 19. We have one young child. I have been going back and forth on the decision to divorce for ten months. I thought it about it since the day after our wedding, but I first brought up the idea to my husband ten months ago. We have slept in separate bedrooms since then and barely spoken about non-childcare related topics since. I’ve met with lawyers, and a financial adviser. I cannot seem to bring myself to file even though everyone in my life from my therapist, to family and friends think it would be the right choice. Basically, I will be very much screwed financially if I move forward and I think that plays a huge part. I have a ton of debt from when we were much poorer and I was unemployed. I still care about my husband. We were just kids when we met and we’ve been through a lot together. I don’t necessarily love him in a romantic way, but he’s the father of my child, he’s cared for me for years, even when I wasn’t contributing financially. He works hard to support us, He’s a good guy and I don’t know why I can’t make myself have feelings for him. He cries daily, tells me he loves me and always will, that he will never remarry, that I will be unhappy, I will ruin our child’s life, that I’m selfish, and that he will take the house and everything in it if I leave because he deserves it for the emotional harm I’m causing. He’s trying so hard to win me back, but I don’t know if I was ever there. I feel so guilty and broken. I recently became suicidal over the guilt and started taking antidepressants under his urging.
It was wrong, but over the past eight months, I developed feelings for a female co-worker. We were just friends for two years, but over the past eight months it became more and she shared my feelings. We never engaged in a physical affair, but we definitely had an emotional one, exchanging “I love you’s” often, spending every moment we could together, and talking about a possible future together. This probably did not help fix anything with my husband, but for the first time in my life I loved the person back that loved me. This affair has since ended and my husband did not know about it. At least I don’t think. He hates this friend. The end of the affair was crushing and devastating. I think the end of the affair has made me doubt the divorce even more, and I think my lawyer and people in my support system are getting tired of the back and forth. Like the boy that cried wolf.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like staying is selfish as I’m doing it to see my child everyday and be financially supported. I do work full-time, but don’t earn enough to support myself and child. I’m looking for different jobs, but nothing has come up. How do I move forward?
I can hear how much you are struggling right now, and I want you to know that you are not alone. So many people are caught between staying in a marriage they know deep down is wrong for them, and getting a divorce, which will also cause more heartbreak and hurt. What I can tell you is that you can’t find happiness by doing the same things, and thinking the same way, that has put you in this situation from the start.
You asked how you move forward. You do it by deciding who you are and what you want. You say that you are staying in the marriage for selfish reasons – to be supported and to see your child every day. Are you the kind of person who would stay in a relationship just for money? Is that who you WANT to be? My guess is that the answer is “No.” Otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling so guilty.
Of course, it sounds like your husband is also piling the guilt on top of you, too. He is using guilt and fear to keep you from leaving. That’s not to say that he is bad or wrong. He’s afraid of the marriage ending, too. He’s only trying to use the tools he has to keep you from leaving and from breaking up your family. But a marriage built on guilt and fear is not the kind of marriage anyone wants to be in.
What you need to realize is that you can either live the way you are living now, or you can decide to change your life. If you want to move forward, then get yourself into action. Start moving in the direction of your dreams. Take baby steps. If you can’t support yourself right now, then start getting the training and education you need to get a better job. Talk to your lawyer about child support and spousal support. See if you have options to start living on your own sooner rather than later. Every day do 1 small thing to move forward.
Action, even small action, is the key to progress. But, it all starts with a decision. Who are you? What do you want?
Now, as for your guilt, it’s time you decide whether you want to live the rest of your life controlled by your guilt and your fear, or whether you want to be free. Clearly, you want to be loved. We all do. But, is this marriage you have a marriage of real love? Or is it a marriage of guilt and fear? If you stay in this marriage, will you be able to find real love?
I can’t answer these questions for you. But, you don’t need me to. You have the answers inside of yourself. All you have to do is listen.
Karen
To find out more about conquering guilt, check out this article: Are You on a Divorce Guilt Trip?
Thanks for your reply, Karen. I was told by my lawyer that since we planned to split physical custody 50-50 I would not get any child support. Also, we were not married long enough and he does not make much more than me to get spousal support. I did not mean to imply my husband is rich. Splitting our household from a two income household to two one income households hurts him too, and puts us both in the poverty range. My major hesitation with money is more how it affects my child’s quality of life taking her from working class to poverty. I have education and training as does my husband. I am actively searching for a job and I started a side business. I have my current job that doesn’t pay as much because it has great benefits and flexible hours to better accommodate childcare schedules and cost and maximize the amount of time my child spends with a parent. Our families are all out of state, so we can’t call on them for any help.
It sounds like you have already done a lot of your homework. That’s a good thing.(It may not always feel like it, but it is.)
I don’t know your husband, but I would be willing to bet that he has thought about what splitting up would do to your family economically as well. That may be part of the reason he wants to stay together so badly. (Not that he doesn’t love you. But, I’m just sayin’.)
If there was any way that you could get your husband to work with you to try to figure out how you could both live separately, and still make ends meet and maximize each of your time with your child, that would be a winning situation for everyone. I know that right now, with him dead set against the divorce, that may not be possible. But, if you could find a way to work together on your divorce, you may be able to create better lives for both of you, and for your child.
I know it seems crazy to think that two people can work together on divorcing each other. But it happens a lot. You just don’t hear about it because people sensationalize the divorces that are full of drama. No one talks about the amicable divorces that work out reasonably well because both sides are not trying to totally screw each other.
Of course, even amicable divorces are difficult. Getting divorced is no bed of roses no matter how you do it. But especially when money is tight, working together (or at least not fighting each other) can make a horrible situation at least a little bit less disastrous.
I wish you the best.
Hi Karen!
I feel like I’m in a very weird position. I waited until later in life to get married (36) and dated my husband to be 3 years before we got married. I’m 43 and he is 40 and we are coming up on our 7 year wedding anniversary and on 10 years of being together. My story is not like other ones, because my husband is quite wonderful. He cleans the house, cooks, is attentive, thoughtful and very compassionate toward others. Honestly, he would do anything for me. He listens to me when I talk, helps me with problems and generally cares about others. One of the problems is, he almost seems too nice. The other problem is, he and I are not sexually compatible at all. He has not had as many intimate relationships as I have, and always seems unsure about what he is doing. It has gotten to the point where I no longer want to have sex with him, and haven’t in 5 years. I feel very awkward and weird when I’ve tried to be intimate with him, because he’s reserved and not into anything exciting. I immediately become self-conscious and no longer want to be intimate. I also find myself not really caring what he talks about and happy when he has to leave the house for an extended period of time so I can be alone. I feel like such a jerk, because I know many women would love to have a man like this, but there is just no excitement anymore. Is that really a reason to get divorced or am I just being selfish? In other relationships, I always had a very exciting sex life, but this is just awful. I have gotten to the point that I don’t even want to hug him anymore or kiss him. I’m afraid it could eventually lead to sex, and then I’ll realize it’s still bad and feel worse. Honestly, from the beginning it was never really very good, and it’s always bothered me. I guess I eventually hoped it would get better. The problem is, I never brought it up because it’s extremely awkward to tell someone, even someone you love, that they suck in bed. What I hate about this the most, is that I know how wonderful he really is, but it seriously feels like I’m living with my friend more than a partner. Sometimes I’m not sure if I was meant to be married at all. I’m a very free spirit with wanderlust, and he’s never stopped me from going or doing anything I want and I hate the feeling of rules or restrictions. He has often said to me that he is surprised I ever got married because I hate not being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. Am I just immature and selfish or is there something to this? I’ve brought it up to him before, and he has mentioned counseling, but the idea of it completely turns me off. Maybe because I feel it just won’t work and it might already be a lost cause. I do love him, but I’m not so sure I would go so far to say I was in love with him. I also am finding these days I have a wandering eye. The idea of being with others has crossed my mind several times and I feel bad about it, but it won’t go away. I’ve weirdly found myself daydreaming that maybe he would cheat on me or something would happen that would cause the marriage to end, so I could be free to see what else is out there without hurting him. My fear tho, of course, is that it will not be what I expect and I will have lost something that I didn’t realize was so special until it was gone. My husband is attractive and in fairly good shape and I feel like all his good attributes should be enough, but I’m starting to wonder if it is. I’m sure if we got divorced, it would be a shock to everyone since we seem to have a fairly good relationship. Sometimes I think maybe there might be something I could do to save the relationship, but bailing almost seems easier than having the talk about leaving and ending it. I actually feel really awful because I do love him, but I also wonder what else is out there. I’m yearning for something more exciting, and what I actually have is safe. And to be completely honest, for some time, I have had an interest in my best friend who is single, and who I seem very compatible with in many ways. There is definitely a spark on both sides, but nothing has been done about it. I’m sure this is partially what is driving these feelings as well. We have no kids, just pets, and we own a house together. Do I sound nuts, or does any of this make sense? Is it a mid-life crisis, or am I starting to realize that I perhaps don’t want to wake up one day when I’m much older, and realize I wish I would have done something sooner? This is the first time I’ve put anything like this down, and reading it over, I feel like it makes me seem like a terrible person, but I can’t shake the feeling that things are off, and I need the opinion of someone on the outside. Thanks so much!
Okay, first of all, you are NOT a terrible person! You are, however, a person who seems to be in a marriage that’s floundering, and you feel bad about it. I get that your husband is wonderful and stable and safe. I also understand that, on paper at least, you “should” have no reason to be dissatisfied with your relationship. (…except for the fact that you never have sex and don’t even want to touch your husband anymore.) But I also get — loud and clear — that you are NOT happy!
The problem is that you don’t feel like you are in love with your husband, and the more you focus on how wonderful and stable and safe he is (i.e. boring, unappealing, and way too nice) the more you wonder whether the grass would be greener somewhere else. At the same time you don’t want to let go of him in case you later find out that you lost something that was really special.
So, let’s cut to the chase: Should you walk away? Should you get a divorce? Or, is your marriage worth saving?
I’ll be honest with you: I don’t know. But, neither do you.
I know that seems like, “Duh, Karen! Isn’t that the point of my whole comment, here?!” But, there is more to my answer than what you may think.
First of all, let me preface all of this by saying that this may be a little bit of “tough love,” right here. If this sounds like I’m being hard on you, I apologize. That’s not my intent. Believe me, I understand your situation better than you can imagine. But, the truth is that you don’t know whether your marriage can or should be saved because you’ve never even tried to save it.
From what you wrote, you seem to consistently want to avoid doing the “hard” thing. You never told your husband that he sucks in bed because it’s awkward to tell someone you love that they suck in bed. Your husband has brought up the idea of counseling but you feel it just won’t work and may be a lost cause. Over and over, rather than face whatever problem comes up, you turn away from it. You think that maybe there might be something you can do to save your relationship, but it’s easier to bail than it is to have the talk about leaving. It seems like, for years, you’ve been taking the easy way out.
Unfortunately, taking the easy way out has a huge price. That price is authenticity. That price is depth in your relationship. That price is lasting love and connection.
Here’s the thing: No relationship is perfect. Period. Yet, it is easy to have a relationship that looks perfect on paper so long as you avoid ever bringing up, talking about, or dealing with any issues that could possibly ever cause a conflict. So, you have a relationship that looks great on paper, but is shallow and boring and sexually dead because you’re too afraid to deal with any issue that might rock the boat. The problem is that the issues that rock the boat are the ones that give depth and life to your relationship!
Having a conversation about sex, particularly when you don’t like to have sex with your husband because it’s unsatisfying, is hard! It will be even harder for you because this sounds like it has been a problem for years, and you never said anything about it. So, not only are you going to have to have the awkward conversation about sex, but it will now be even more awkward because you now have to explain why you never bothered to have this conversation years ago! But NOT having a conversation about sex means that, not only is your sex life now non-existent, but you don’t even want your husband to touch you!
Every problem you avoid causes another problem. So your marriage will get worse and worse unless and until you have the courage to actually deal with your differences with your husband.
Of course, if you deal with them, that doesn’t mean that everything will work out. Maybe your husband will be mad at you. Maybe you will find you are incompatible. Maybe your husband will want to divorce you! But, at least you will have gotten to the core of what’s going on. At least you will finally slide underneath the surface of your perfect marriage and get to what is really underneath it.
So, here’s the good news: if you deal with these issues, you might just end up having an amazing marriage with the wonderful husband you say that you have! Or, you may end up divorced. Either way, you will have grown. Either way you will be closer to having real love in your life. (Even if you get divorced, you will have put yourself in the position to recognize and find real love in the future.)
Of course, having the hard conversations and facing the issues you have in your marriage head on will NOT be fun! You will hurt for awhile. Your husband will hurt for awhile. Your marriage may or may not survive. So, NOT having these conversations will be way easier! But if you don’t face these issues now, they will come up again in some way in your next relationship … and your next relationship … and the relationship after that.
So, what do you do? It’s up to you. Are you ready to take a chance on creating the relationship you truly want, even though doing that will be scary and painful? Will you do it even though there are no guarantees about how everything will work out? Or are you willing to settle for what you’ve got?
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi Karen,
I’ve been with my husband for 7 years – married for 2 and a half. Over the course of the last 7 months, I’ve been feeling more and more distanced from him. There’s a plethora of reasons why, but the main ones I focus on are that he can be emotionally abusive and manipulative, he’s controlling, and he has anger issues. I’ve always hated his anger, but never noticed the manipulation or abuse until last year. I’ve had friends that have witnessed how he treats me and have voiced their concerns about our relationship, and I myself find that I am doubting my feelings for him. One friend in particular, noticed that he comes off as sexist or misogynistic – which I also only noticed recently with certain actions and arguments between us.
What makes it exponentially worse is that I’ve developed feelings for someone else at my job. It’s hard because this person and I have so much more in common with each other than I and my husband ever had. This man does not know of my feelings, of course. But it scares me that I’ve seemingly fallen so hard for someone not my own husband. My husband is by no means a terrible person – but his rocky past has definitely molded him into quite a difficult man that does not easily acknowledge or empathize with my feelings. In his mind, I’m “irrational” or “illogical” – when I explain my feelings to him, he rarely, if ever, understands.
We are seeing a couples’ counselor, as well as seeing the same counselor in solo sessions. She has diagnosed me with Depression and Anxiety disorder, which certainly doesn’t help matters.
I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place – he is trying, but it feels like once things seem to be getting better, all of a sudden they’re bad; all of a sudden, he’s back to his old self. It’s almost like I have to be reminded that I can’t have just all good in my relationship, and it saddens me. I’m afraid to go for the divorce because I fear his anger, and I also fear that it will hurt him. Our therapist has said that a lot of my personal problems come from my personal desire to be a people-pleaser and always worrying about how others perceive me. I don’t want him to hate me, and I certainly don’t want to be the person that destroys his whole world – but I’m not happy. I feel empty, I feel alone in my marriage. I’m literally at a loss for what to do.
Thank you for your time and your expertise.
It sounds like you are in a rough place in your life right now. The fact that you and your husband are seeing a marriage counselor, and that you also have individual counselors, is wonderful! Obviously, even though it sounds like you are getting a lot of help, you still don’t know how things will shake out. But, at least you are doing something to move yourself forward.
It sounds like you are not happy and that you may be leaning into wanting a divorce, but that you are afraid to do that because you are afraid of your husband’s reaction. That’s actually normal. Getting divorced, especially from someone who has anger issues, isn’t easy. But, it can be done.
Here is what I suggest. First, stay in counseling. Work on building yourself up and figuring out what YOU want to do — NOT what other people want you to do, or what you think you SHOULD do. Figure out what YOU WANT to do. (I know that sounds simple, but when you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, figuring out what you really want is often not so easy. That alone will take time.)
Second, once you know what you want to do (whatever that is) make a plan that will help you achieve your goal. It doesn’t matter that there may be 5000 different things that you will need to do to achieve your goal. It doesn’t matter that your goal seems so far away right now. Figure out your goal. Make a plan to achieve it. Then every day, do 1 thing to move yourself forward.
Take baby steps.
You don’t have to do everything in one day. There may be days when you accomplish very little. Other days you may make what feels like huge progress. Either way. Just keep moving forward.
Most people overestimate what they can do in a day or a week, so they get frustrated when they don’t make the progress they think they should make. But, they underestimate the progress they can make in a month or a year. So, they do nothing, and make no progress at all.
I know you feel stuck right now. In my humble opinion “stuck” is the worst place to be. But sometimes you have to stay in that stuck place for awhile in order to be able to figure out which direction you want to move in. So, hang through the discomfort. Just keep asking yourself, “What do I want? How can I get it?”
You’ll get through this.
Best.
Karen
Hi Karen
Ive been married for 14 years but have separated 4 times.
I have loved my husband very much but we are at crossroads again.
He is very fixed in his ways and extremely stubborn from nit picking on how I cut tomatos to what i wear. And argueing consistently how we are raising our teenage kids.
Our 16 year daughter hates him, as he does not actively listens he assumes the worse of her and he has a foul mouth.
they have had horrible rows where he had cornered her and screams at her. She is a typical 16 emotional girl but my husband deals with it so wrong and screams at me if I try to split them up when it gets heated. Tells me to back off and im weak as He thinks She is manipulating me.
Last year her school counselor has called me in saying she was cutting herself, I was horrified and beyond upset.
She suggested that my husband should come in and had a family counselling session. It ended been a disaster where he denied her hurt and problems saying it was attention sèeking!!And accused the counselor of putting more crap in her head.
He made the session about himself and not about her problems. He has lost his high paying job 18 months ago that was his fault that he lost.
The counsellor said how do you deal with your emotions when feeling overwhelmed and he said I just explode!!
She suggested counselling for himself but he hasn’t and he wont because he just thinks he’s fine. Its not him its everyone else!!
Im so ashamed, irritated, angry, and feel horrible how he has turned out, he is lazy, over indulgent in food that we cant afford to replace, angry at the world, And just waste his time watching tv and fishing. We are drowning in debts my son who is 14 is in the middle of all this but angry at me and his sister cause we have moved out, not far so he can visit anytime ad he doesnt want to leave hid dad.
My daughter has since blossomed doing well at school, happier and had a traineeship in a fancy Hotel.
Recently my husband says I can move back in if I want to, ad we struggling finacially barley have enough food til payday.
He seems to genuinely loves me but not sorry. He feels our daughter should apologise as he feels like the victim.
He just doesn’t get it. I want to get a divorce but feel so gutted about everything and scared!!
Oh my! You are in a really rough spot. I’m not surprised that you want to divorce, but are afraid to move forward!
The truth is that divorce is expensive. When money is tight, you need to make sure that you have all of the right pieces in place before you start the divorce process. Planning is everything.
If you don’t have a counselor yourself, I highly recommend that you get one asap. The road ahead of you is not going to be easy no matter what you do. You need support. You need someone to talk through your feelings with. A counselor can help you figure out what you want, and which direction to go in now that you are, again, at a crossroads with your husband. (Plus, a lot of counselors have a sliding fee scale or are covered by insurance. That will help with the expense.)
It’s wonderful that your husband genuinely loves you, but, in spite of what Hollywood might have you believe, love is not enough to sustain a marriage. What you are going through is not about love. It’s about life. How do you want to live? Who do you want to be? Are you happy with how your life is at the moment? Will going back to your husband make your life better or worse? Will it get you closer to where you want to be in your life or further away? Will it help your kids or make them miserable?
It sounds like your daughter is doing really well. Would she continue to do well if you went back to your husband? Your son might do better if you were around, but maybe not. Ultimately, your leaving may set an example for him, and give him the strength to leave, too. (Btw, I don’t know if it’s possible, but it sounds like your son could use some counseling too. If you could find a way to get him to do that, he would probably benefit from it a lot.)
You said that you are ashamed, irritated, angry and feel horrible about how your husband turned out. While I can understand your feelings, you are feeling awful about something you can’t control. Your husband’s life is your husband’s responsibility. Your responsibility is to create the best life you can for yourself, and for your kids. I know that’s not going to be easy. But, it sounds like you’ve made progress already. You tried counseling. You moved out. You helped your daughter.
Think about what’s important to you. Keep doing your best. Even if you aren’t ready financially or emotionally to get divorced right now, if getting divorced is what you want to do, start educating yourself about divorce now. Decide what you want. Make a plan. Step by step, you will get there.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hello Karen,
I would like to start by thanking you for replying to others comments in such a respectful and knowledgeable manner. It is what has given me the confidence to write what I’m about to write. It is very calming to put such things into words to someone who is professionally trained while at the same time remaining anonymous.
To start I’m a 38 year old man who has been with his wife since the age of 15. We started dating and married upon the completion of college. We have lived a fairly mundane life, but many would call it “living the dream” from the outside looking in. We both have college degrees and are financially in a very comfortable position, we have two healthy children ages 7 and 11. As the years passed we took the “normal” progression and completed college, purchased a home, had children and built our careers. Sadly throughout this process I have never been certain I loved her, but I felt secure and for a long time that was enough. I grew up in a poor family which mentally impacted my decisions from a young age as our relationship developed in its’ infancy. I believe the fact that her family was financially sound and that she had a substantial trust that I would be secure in a financial manner no matter the turmoil we may find in our personal careers. This may sound silly, but at the age of 15 coming from a family who sometimes didn’t know where the next meal would come from it greatly influenced my decision making. Now that I look back I know that it is not a suitable way to choose a life partner, but those are things we learn as we progress through life.
As for our current relationship she loves me more now than ever and that’s one of the things that hurts me the most since it is not reciprocal. I truly want to love her the same as she does me. I don’t want to divorce, but at the same time I must be happy as we only have one life to live. I would love for that happiness to be derived from our relationship, but for the life of me I just can’t fake it any longer. We agree and do not argue about almost anything. Over the past 23 years we have had possibly 10 arguments of note. We are on the same page with children and finances which can be huge hurdles within relationships. The problem is I just feel numb to her other than guilt for feeling the way I feel. Our sex life is not phenomenal, but we still have sex at least a few times a month and from what I understand that is not outside the norm especially given the longevity of our relationship. However, there is little to no passion as it most just fulfills physiological side of things.
So that is some of the past and I’m sure there are many other things to add, but I feel like I’m already writing a book and I know your time is limited. Now, taking this to where things really began to change rapidly. After feeling this emptiness for years I, in a moment of weakness began an affair. It is not something I’m proud of and truly am on the verge of hating myself for it. I did not realize at the time that this would blossom into a relationship if it can be called that given its’ nature of origin in both of us being married. I think we both fulfilled a gap within each other that was empty and has been for a long time. The thing is I do feel the passion and the desire to climb mountains and conquer the world the way I think you should in a truly fulfilling relationship. She has recently divorced her husband as she truly came to the realization that her marriage was at an absolute end. Fortunately, for her there were no children involved, which say what you will does simplify matters in my opinion. I will not lie this does make me feel internally that if I wish to “try” to make a life with her I need to make a decision as to how I move forward with my marriage. I know that I should end the affair relationship and that my decision to divorce has to be independent of what will or will not become of that relationship, but that’s easier said than done.
Now, to complicate matters further. I was diagnosed as bipolar and hospitalized in the midst of a manic episode about seven years ago. Since then I of course experience cycling and have come to terms that I will for the rest of my life. I take my pills religiously and will for the rest of my life. They are my daily aspirin and for the sake of my family I would take them ten times a day so they never have to experience such an episode again. This comes into play because I constantly question whether my emotions are based on “me” or my “condition” It is truly difficult to differentiate at times.
To complicate things to the next level I contracted an STI from my affair partner. It is herpes and based upon what she tells me she had no idea that she had it. After research it is very possible that she is telling the truth as 20% of the population is reported to have it and an estimated 90% of the carriers do not even know they have it due to some carriers having little to no symptoms. For those that don’t know this is spread based on skin to skin contact so even with protection it can still be spread.
I’m in a position of not knowing what to do moving forward. Even through all of the grief and pain I have caused my wife and the fact that she has stuck with me through such hard times she still wants to be with me. For the life of me I don’t know why. I want her to hate me. I want her to despise me. I deserve it! I feel so terribly guilty. She deserves a man worthy of her love.
I apologize for this being so long, but it is a complicated situation and difficult to summarize. In closing, I am seeing a therapist and we have scheduled appointments with a psychologist who is also a marriage counselor to hopefully seek a path moving forward whatever that may be. Our hopes are that he can use his training for both to try an separate my “condition” and its’ impact on my thought process in concern to our marriage. Thank you for listening.
Oh my! Where to start?
First of all, kudos to you for being honest with your wife. It had to be hard to tell her about your affair, and the STI you contracted as a result. Obviously, having an affair in the first place is nothing to be proud of. But, getting a therapist and a marriage counselor are the best things you can do to start dealing with your situation in a productive way. So, no matter what, you are already going in a positive direction.
With all due respect, though, I wonder if you’re not asking yourself the wrong question. What difference does it make whether your dissatisfaction with your marriage is the result of “you” or “your condition?” Either way. you’re unhappy. If your marital dissatisfaction is due to your condition does that mean that you are willing to stay married forever, even though you’re not happy?
Now, it may be true that if your condition affects your thinking, it will affect your thinking in any relationship you are in. That means that if your bipolar condition is the root of your unhappiness, then you will be unhappy whether you stay married or get divorced. I’m not sure how you deal with that. But, I also don’t believe that being bi-polar, in and of itself, is a sentence to a life of permanent unhappiness. It also sounds like you felt empty even before you got diagnosed as bipolar. (Although, I could be wrong about that. I couldn’t tell from what you wrote.) Anyway, all of this still leaves you with what I think are the core questions you are really asking: How can I be happy? and, Should I stay married? (Or rather, “Is getting a divorce a mistake?”)
I’m not a therapist myself, but I have been on this planet for awhile and I’ve lived though my share of tough personal stuff. I’ve also been working with divorce people for more years than I care to admit. I may be going out on a limb here but I wonder if your unhappiness isn’t just with your marriage, but it’s also with yourself.
You said you are on the verge of hating yourself for your affair. You wish your wife would despise you because of what you’ve done. You feel terribly guilty. Those feelings are understandable. They are also not helping. They’re not helping you, and I doubt they’re helping your marriage. In fact, on some level you probably now resent your wife even more because she doesn’t hate you for having an affair! (Of course, I’m just guessing here.)
Before you can figure out whether you can find happiness in your marriage, try focusing on how to find happiness in yourself. Keep going to counseling. If self-help is your thing, go to a bookstore (if you can find one these days!) and dive into the self-help section. Make sure your medications are right for you. Exercise. Do some soul searching. If you pray, pray.
Your journey is not likely to be easy. It will also take time. If you care about your wife, be kind to her during this time. Try to look at this situation with her eyes. Yes, you are suffering, but so is she. Try to be kind to her, and to yourself. Beating yourself up and hating yourself accomplish nothing. They only make you feel worse. They cloud your thinking even more. Try to forgive yourself. Once you can do all that, you will be well on your way towards figuring out what to do about your marriage: whether to try to save it, or let it go.
Best.
Karen
Hello karen,
I have been married for three years now and i cannot bring myself to make a decision for divorce or to stay. My wife cheated on me while we were dating and got pregnant, but i was unaware that the child was mine for the first 2 years. We seperated for a few months then iwe started living together again because i felt so bad about the child not growing up without a father. While living with her i just notice we don’t get along at all. Anytime we go out anywhere its a disaster. Shes the complete oppisite of me. It mentally drains my motivation and makes me think my whole life was determined by someone elses mistakes. Its hard for me to trust her because of her past. She has never been faithful in any of her relationsships in life. Has had threesomes with other guys (and girls). I feel so in adequite because the only person i have had sex with in my life is her. Shes sloppy and unorganized, has crazy debt and it makes me scared to even divorce because she might take from the savings i have worked so hard to save up on. I am unhappy and i feel stuck and it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth because i want to leave this marraige and start a whole new life but should i just leave the child behind even though its not his fault..
I can hear how upset you are. I applaud your dedication to your child, and not wanting to leave your wife for the sake of your child. But, with all due respect, I’m not sure that having an unhappy, disrespected and stuck father is doing your child all that much good. I also wonder whether you’re asking yourself the right question.
It seems that you are looking at your situation as being a choice between staying married to a woman whom you clearly don’t love, respect, or share values with, or getting a divorce and leaving your child behind. But, you can get a divorce without necessarily “leaving your child behind.”
At the very least, you will have parenting time with your child. And, while it may sound far-fetched, more and more fathers these days are getting joint custody (both legal and residential) and even sole custody. I don’t know your full situation, and I can’t give you legal advice, but you might want to talk to a good divorce lawyer in your area and find out what your options are.
The bottom line is that, even if you end up spending less time with your son if you divorce, the quality of your relationship might end up being 100% better. So, think about what’s important to you.
As for losing the money you’ve worked so hard to save, I don’t know. Maybe you will lose it. Maybe you won’t. Again, you need to discuss the particulars of your case with a local divorce lawyer to get a better idea of what you will likely lose (or gain) in your divorce. But, here’s the truth: staying married longer is not going to help you safeguard your savings any more. The longer you stay married and the more money you accumulate, the more money you will have to lose in your divorce. So staying married just so you don’t lose money is likely to be a losing proposition.
Finally, I strongly suggest that you get yourself a good therapist. They often take insurance, or have sliding fee scales to make their services more affordable. But, you could use some emotional support right now. It sounds like your self esteem has really taken a hit in this relationship. It’s time to get yourself back on course. A good therapist can help you do that. Plus, if you do decide to divorce, you will need all the support you can get.
I know you are in a difficult place right now. Hang in there. As long as you keep moving forward, you will get through this rough patch and on to the life you want.
Best.
Karen
Hello Karen,
Your advice to others has been the best I have read for the many months I have been searching for answers and I was hoping you could give me some advice as well. I fall under the category of being in a marriage that is not bad, just not great. We are in our early 30’s, been married for just shy of two years, together for three. My wife is a loving, compassionate, loyal, and wonderful person with a good heart. We have the same interests, hobbies, political views, hardly ever argue, and in general get along very well. However, about 6 months ago I just lost all my feelings her (this has been gradual but suddenly became overbearing), and came to the realization that I was never really “in love” with her. My story is we only dated for a few months before I had to move out of town for a job, and asked her to move with me. She said she would only if I made a “commitment”, i.e. engagement. After being single for four years and finally finding someone I liked who had all the qualities I was looking for (on paper she was the perfect woman), I obliged. Honestly, I had been in love twice before in my life (over ten years ago at this point) but I just never had those same feelings for her, but I was so tired of dating and being alone, and I convinced myself I was being too picky and how could I let such a great woman go. Looking back, I think the attraction and chemistry just wasn’t intense enough from the start. I wanted to live together for a few years before the wedding because I wasn’t sure I was making the right decision, but she did not want to wait and convinced me to go along with it, so we married within several months. People would ask me before if I loved her and I always answered yes, but I knew in my heart that I was lying to them and to myself. I felt my attraction/feelings fading after the first 8 months together but it wasn’t so bad that I paid much attention to it. She is in fact a pretty girl and there were many times when I felt quite attracted (when she dressed up, put on some makeup, etc). We bought a house and I agreed to have a child. The timing could not be worse because I began to have serious doubts about whether I wanted to be with her, admitting I settled, feeling unfulfilled, unhappy, realizing I was just never really in love with her. Soon afterwards she announced she was pregnant. I fell into a deep anxiety and depression because I just agreed to start a family and now I strongly felt that I wanted out. I decided not to make any rash decisions (abortion, divorce, etc) since I was in a panic, and was prescribed medication to relieve my anxiety, and deliberated for several months. At this point it has only gotten worse. I just feel no affection towards her, I avoid kissing, hugging, sex, and saying I love you because I know it’s a lie. She noticed my depression and has asked me several times if I want out but I cannot bear the thought of being honest about this with a woman who is carrying my child, and what everyone will think of me if I did. So I lie and say I am just stressed about having a child. I am tormented daily with the guilt and shame, feeling like I ruined her life, like I tricked her into believing I really loved her, she did not deserve the hurt I have caused. I thought one should marry based on a decision of the mind, but now I realize it must also be a decision of the heart. I am an emotional, very sensitive person, and I realize now that I need to be crazy about someone for it to work. In several past relationships, when the feelings were gone, they were just gone and there was no going back. I hate myself for doing this to such a good woman but I cannot live a lie and be unhappy for the rest of my life, I don’t want to grow to resent her and my child. I feel trapped, alone, and completely unsure of what I should do. As far as work, family, and friends, all of that is great. I apologize for such a long message but I wanted to be as thorough as possible. I am really hurting inside, and would appreciate any advice you could offer me, thank you so much
Oh my! Where to start?
I can tell you are in a lot of pain over your situation. I wish I had a magic wand that I could just waive and make everything be okay for both you, your wife, and your child. But I don’t.
Let’s start with the easy stuff. (Okay. None of this is easy. But some of it is more obvious.) You said you are unsure of what to do. After reading what you wrote, I have to tell you that it seems like you know exactly what to do. You know in your heart what you want to do. Your body is screaming at you with its anxiety and depression: something’s wrong! The problem is not that you don’t know what to do. The problem is, you don’t want to do it because you know how much pain it will cause.
As hard as it may be for you to hear this, its’ time for you to get real. (Sorry!)
Believe me, I know how hard it is to be honest with someone when you know that being honest will hurt them deeply. It’s even worse when you know that you were the one who made a mistake. You made a decision, or a series of decisions, that turned out to be not so great. But, you’re human. So is your wife. If she hadn’t pushed to get engaged, then married, perhaps you wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m not saying that you should blame her, or that you have no responsibility for your current situation. Not at all. But both of you made decisions that, in hindsight (which we all know is 20/20) may not have been the best. Now you have to deal with the consequences of those decisions.
I wish I could tell you that there was an easy way to handle your situation. But, there’s not. You just have to tell your wife the truth. Period. Of course, please be sensitive to her feelings. You don’t need to be a jerk when you tell her. You also need to own your part of the problem. (It sounds like you do, but she needs to hear that.) But, as you said, you can’t live a lie. Sooner or later it will catch up with you. As a matter of fact, the more you wait, the worse it will be when the truth comes out.
You should also be mindful of the fact that she is pregnant. (At least, from what you wrote it sounds like she hasn’t had the baby yet.) I don’t know when she’s due, but it might make sense to wait until after she has the baby to start dealing with this issue. Or, maybe telling her now would be best. I don’t know enough about all the details of your situation to know what would be best. I’m also not a psychologist. If you have questions about when and how you should talk to your wife, I suggest you find a good therapist in your area and start working through all of this. Having a good therapist on board now will also help because the road ahead is not going to be easy. Getting support will help a lot. (You also need to work through your own guilt and shame. While I can understand why you feel those emotions, hanging on to them for the rest of your life will do you more damage than living in a marriage with someone you don’t love.)
I hope this helps. I wish you the best.
Karen
In a 23 year marriage, about 4 years ago we both decided to call it quits. However, since that time she has had a change of heart. Her mother and estranged father passed away. I however never changed my mind, and still want the divorce. On the outside we looked to have a great marriage, but it never really was that way. I put up with disrespect, selfishness, was under appreciated, and ignored for many years. Her mother came first, and I came usually 3rd or 4th. She has been dishonest and done many things behind my back over the years. We really never agreed on child rearing, religion, sex, or choice in a movie. We married young, first loves. I always felt like I put more stock in the marriage than she did. Meaning, if I didn’t do what I did to keep things going the marriage would have been over. Saying all that, I still feel guilty. Although she always worked, I took care of almost everything. Her mother was her rock, but since she died my wife seems so lost sometimes. I lost my mother right before she lost her mother, so I know that feeling. I know it’s time to move on, but there still is apart of me that wants to make sure she will be ok. She wants to reconcile, but my heart no longer is in it. I feel that if her mother hadn’t passed away she wouldn’t be acting differently and wanting me back. she just want to hold on to me for comfort. I still care deeply about her, but that’s about it. Years of taking how she treated me just eroded my feelings. She is still good looking and attractive, but I’m not attracted to her anymore. She just doesn’t understand how I could want to divorce after all these years. It really sucks, and people get hurt in a divorce, but I have to do it for my sanity. We have been separated for the last 3+ years, and she refuses to sign the divorce papers, although now she has no choice. I don’t know what life will bring, but I’ll be happy being in a relationship with myself if nothing at all.
It sounds like you’ve made your decision and are at peace with it. Even still, the decision isn’t an easy one, especially with your wife wanting to get back together.
Shakespeare said it best when he wrote: “This, above all else. To thine own self be true.” If you know that you are done, and your marriage is over, then being true to yourself is actually the kindest, best thing you can do for you and your wife (although I doubt she would agree at the moment.) If you know it’s time for you to move on, then staying in your marriage would eat away at you.
Just because you may be getting a divorce, though, doesn’t mean that you will no longer care at all about your wife. Of course you will! You were married for 23 years. It’s not surprising that you still have feelings for each other. But those feelings alone may not be enough to sustain a marriage.
While it’s tough to predict how divorce will go for anyone, I urge you to try to divorce amicably. No matter what you may think, HOW you divorce matters! Look into collaborative divorce and mediation. Stay out of court. Do your best not to totally blow up your relationship with your wife during your divorce. While you probably won’t be best friends during your divorce, in time, after your divorce is over, you may grow to have a friendship again. Under the circumstances, that may be the best you can do.
Karen
I only started writing this response as you’ve given such good advice so far to people really looking –and clearly we all landed on this page for a reason. I’ve started and stopped writing this 4 times now, so I’m just going to click submit and put it out there…
I’m 17 years into my marriage, and have 5 kids. I had a statement/plan written up to recite to her and was going to ask for divorce 7 years ago, nearly to the day, when she came in and exclaimed she was pregnant with our 3rd child. I took it as a sign that it was meant to be, and that we could work it out…
Over the last 7 years, we added 2 more kids, and all along the way I’ve just went back to “we can make it work”, “we can make it work for the kids”, and “I don’t want to be like my father and leave”.
She comes in with statements, when we’re in the heat of an argument that “all couples fight”. It’s true, but not as much as we do. People write everywhere that you should have 5 good interactions to a bad one. I’m at LEAST twice as much in the opposite direction, and it isn’t getting better. There are mediocre days, and bad days. There aren’t any good ones. ;/ THere are good ones with the kids, no doubt, but when it is just me and her, I don’t like the feeling. We’ve certainly grown apart and I am happier when I’m not around her. That kinda hurts to write, but it is true.
I’ve been writing down these bad interactions (and trying to mix in good when I an find them) in a journal now for 2+ years to try to give myself some firepower/will to pull the trigger. Recently came up with the plan to write out the perfect situation I could bring it up in. That is helping a little, but there is no “perfect way to do it.” But getting there…
My wife had an emotional upbringing from sexual assault, and then her mom put her on a ton of drugs to keep her balanced afterwards. When I met her she was in a tough place financially and emotionally, but we made it work and got pregnant within 5 months. Had the child and got married shortly thereafter. Since then we’ve both blossomed financially and in our careers. We’re well off there, and won’t have a problem, even with 5 kids, making it on our own, respectively. That’s one thing I give to her, we’ve kept each other on this path to make us, and our kids, successful financially.
2 years ago she accused me of having an affair, when I wasn’t. She read some emails I’d written to coworkers that she deemed “too personal and flirty”, and assumed the worst. I said we should go to counseling, but she refused due to her past with therapy/drugs she was given. I went by myself for 9 months until I told her I’d been going, to which she responded with “Why are you going? You don’t go unless you’ve done something wrong. What did you do?!??!” She still is holding on to the thought I’m cheating, when I’m not. She still monitors/checks my emails/text regularly. I have nothing to hide, but it is weird, and I don’t tell anyone that I know she is –even her.
I brought up divorce a few months back and she agreed (against every fiber in her being and kicking/screaming) to go see a therapist; we started having sex on the regular, and again I got into the mindset that, “ok, this finally did it! We’re back on good ground!” We did for 5 or 6 sessions, and at her will, she said they weren’t working, and she stopped rescheduling the visit. That was 2 months ago, and it’s went downhill since, again.
To this day, nobody would blame me if I got divorced. I’d even think some of HER family would be OK and understand it, but my thing that paralyzes me is the fear of the unknown. When I DO bring it up? She’s emotional abusive, and has (in my opinion) bipolar disorder. She’ll be extremely happy, extremely sad, and extremely angry multiple times a day, multiple times a week. On the good days, it feels like I can make it work, but on the bad ones, I stay up all night searching for articles like this to justify me leaving, and continue to build my journal of notes/reasons why I should go…
As I write this out, it’s just painfully obvious I should jump ship, I have ever right to, and justification behind it, but…
It. Really. Is. Just. So. Damn. Paralyzing….
I don’t even know what I’m looking for in a response, more just to put something out here that everyone else has been doing so great on laying out their feelings, and you giving solid response back, so I’m going to leave it at that, hope that it helps someone else out, and look for a response. If (when?) I make the decision, I’ll certainly come back to give an update to everyone else in the same boat…
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. I can tell how difficult it was for you to write it. I applaud you for having the courage to speak about what’s clearly been in your head and your heart for so long.
As for where you go from here, let’s start with the practical stuff. You said that you are both doing well financially and in your careers. That’s awesome! But, before you do anything get serious about divorce, you need to spend some time with a divorce lawyer in your area and find out what you are facing, and what your options are. While you may THINK you will be okay financially, with five kids, whether that is true or not will depend a lot on what child support will look like. Maybe you will still be fine. I hope you will. But, you won’t know that until you educate yourself about what you are facing. Making a decision without full information is like pulling a hand grenade when you’re blindfolded and in a strange place. Maybe you can throw the grenade away from you before it explodes … but you just never know.
Let’s assume that you are right and that financially you can afford a divorce. That still doesn’t mean you will be emotionally ready to get one. That, too, may take time. But, I would like to suggest that taking a different approach may prove to be helpful.
You said that for the last few years you have been keeping a journal of all of your negative interactions with your wife to try to give yourself more “will” to pull the trigger. Since you’ve been doing this for over two years now, and you still haven’t filed for divorce, I’m not sure that that approach is working very well.
Whether you believe it or not, what you focus on expands. The more you are focused on your wife’s negative behavior, the more problematic and painful that behavior becomes to you. I’m not suggesting that you “pretend” everything in your life is full of sunshine and kittens. Lying to yourself isn’t the answer either. But, I wonder what would happen if, instead of focusing on all the NEGATIVE things, you focused on the POSITIVE ones? And what if, instead of focusing on what your wife is doing, you focused on what YOU are doing, and on what YOU want?
Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking: Why did I ever write this comment? Karen must be nuts to answer me this way! Clearly she doesn’t understand how bad my marriage is!
Before you click off this page, stay with me for a minute.
I’m not telling you to focus on the good things in your marriage (and in your life) because, if you do, your marriage will magically become perfect and you will live happily ever after. It would be fabulous if that happened, but it probably won’t. Focusing on what’s good in your life won’t wipe away what’s bad in your life. But it will make you feel better — not all the time. Maybe not about your marriage. But you will feel better. And that can make all the difference.
It sounds like for the last 7 years you’ve been trying to suck it up and make your marriage work no matter how miserable you were. While you haven’t gotten divorced, you don’t sound like you’ve created a happy marriage either. It also sounds like you’ve got a lot of guilt surrounding deciding to divorce. You said you “don’t want to be like your father and leave.” You also said no one would blame you for leaving. But, would you blame yourself? It seems like that is what’s really holding you back.
Focusing on all of the problems in your marriage hasn’t motivated you to leave your marriage. It can’t. If you believe that you will be a bad person if you leave, you’re not going to leave. Period. Full stop. You will stay married, no matter how miserable you are .. not because you shouldn’t leave, but because you can’t live with yourself if you do. (Mind you, I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t leave. That’s a decision only you can make)
What I’m suggesting then, is that you stop focusing on your wife, and on all of the bad things in your marriage. Instead, try focusing on yourself and your kids, and on all of the things that make you happy. Focus on teh good things that are happening in your life. Focus on the fact that you are an amazing human being, and a good father and a successful man. Write THAT stuff down!
When you know what you want, and why you want it, moving towards it becomes infinitely easier. You’ve been trying to move AWAY from what you don’t want. Try moving TOWARD what you DO want. Of course, to do that you first have to be clear enough to identify what it is that you do want. Then you have to have the courage to move toward that, even when doing so will be hard. But don’t worry. You can do it. I really believe you can.
Best.
Karen
Hi, this article helps me a little. I love my husband so dearly and that’s why we’ve stayed married for almost 8 years. He is perfect but I don’t living the stepfamily life. He has a son from his previous marriage and we get him every weekend and everything about him gives me anxiety and depression and misery. His son is my husband’s world but I don’t think I can do this anymore.
I feel for you. Being a step parent isn’t always easy. (I know. I’m with you!) But, a good relationship with your step kids can be one of the most rewarding relationships on the planet.
If you can find a way to improve your relationship with your step son, that would be optimal. Unfortunately, as the adult, it will be up to you to do that. Hopefully your husband will help. (If not, perhaps he is not quite as “perfect” as you believe.) Even if he does help, though, you’re still going to have to take the lead to make things better. If you decide to try to do so, you might want to enlist the help of a therapist to help ease the way.
IF changing your relationship with your step son isn’t possible, then you’re really in a pickle. Your husband is not likely to abandon his son. Putting his son between you and him will eventually destroy your relationship. It also could hurt your step son. It’s not going to make you feel great either. So that’s a losing proposition all the way around.
If staying with husband under these circumstances gives you so much misery, you will probably have to make a difficult choice. (Sorry! … but you probably already figured that out.) I hope that, no matter what you choose, everything works out for the best.
Karen
Wow everything you have written and the responses you have given to people have been so heartfelt and honest. And I guess I’m at a time where im so scared to share with anyone. This is my story. My husband and I are in our early 30s. Have been together for 8 years and just had our 4 year wedding anniversary. We’ve moved twice for each other, changed careers and have always had a very happy and fulfilling marriage and relationship. He could do no wrong until I caught him earlier this year having a 3 month affair with his first ex (a girl he truly had love for and kept a small form of communication with) I was extremely trusting in our relationship and he communicated well and told me he never wanted to keep things from me. Basically when confronted with the affair he broke down and apologized, was extremely remorseful and begged me to stay that he will be a better man. I gave us another chance because I still loved him and it’s been almost 8 months. I just found a text of him reaching out to a girl he “knew”(apparently had no physical encounter in the past). It was an invitation to see each other and they met in public and just talked about the past. If this was a fist offense I would have laughed it off and yelled at him but this is literally happening after he swore, promised, cried and that he will never put any situation before us ever again. Now I’m torn. If I stay I will always feel distrust and insecure but it’s hard for me to want to leave because I’m still so in love with him and a huge part of me feels like he can be a better man. Another part of me is torn because I am 7 weeks pregnant and I’m wondering if the security of staying is keeping me in love with him. I am so torn right now. I want to stay but I am scared that I’ll regret staying and if I leave in scared of regretting that too.
Oh my! Where to start?
I wish I could tell you that I had a magic wand I could waive to make your husband stop reaching out to his past girlfriends to “just talk,” but I don’t. I think the real crux of your question is whether or not your husband’s affair was an isolated occurrence, or part of a bigger, ongoing pattern of “misbehavior.” The answer is: I don’t know. Without knowing a whole lot more about both of you, and without having ever met you or him, I honestly can’t say. But I do know that it’s going to be important to you to find out.
People cheat for a lot of reasons. Some of those reasons develop from problems in their current relationship or marriage. Other reasons develop from things that happened to them in their past. While going into a long dissertation about why people cheat is beyond what I can write here, you might want to check out Esther Perel’s TED Talk, “Rethinking Infidelity.”. If you want to go deeper, you can listen to this podcast with Tony Robbins and Esther Perel entitled, “Why Do People Cheat?”
Why did your husband cheat? That’s something that the two of you are going to have to figure out for yourselves. (Or not. many people prefer to stay in denial. It often takes 2 or 3 failed marriages to force someone to look at what’s going on inside themselves. I don’t recommend doing that. It hurts a lot. But, a lot of people do it anyway.)
While I suppose you could try to get to the bottom of your husband’s wandering eye yourselves, if you want to give your marriage the greatest chance for success, the best thing would be to find a really good marriage counselor to help you. S/he can help you figure out what’s really going on in your marriage, and whether you can repair the damage. (And, yes, it is possible. It’s not easy. But, it’s possible.)
Finally, being 7 weeks pregnant certainly puts an extra twist on your situation. Is your pregnancy influencing your thinking? Probably. Are your hormones also changing the way you think and feel right now? Definitely. That’s another reason why getting a good therapist will be a Godsend for you right now. You need someone who’s thinking can be a little bit more clearly and objectively right now. (You might also want to get your own therapist, too!)
What your pregnancy is going to do is slow things down for you. As horrible as that may seem at the moment, it’s probably not a bad thing overall. It will force you to take some time, think about what you want, work on your marriage if that’s what you decide to do, and see what happens. If you or your husband decide not to work on your marriage, it will give you both time to prepare for your divorce. (Yes, I know how horrible that sounds. Sorry!)
I will share one word of caution, though: having a baby is no reason to stay in a bad marriage. People who “stay married for the kids” usually end up divorced anyway. Plus, contrary to what many people think, getting divorced when your baby is very young can be better than getting divorced when your child is older. If your baby grows up in a divorced family, that will be his/her “normal.” Is that sad? Yes. But is getting divorced when your son or daughter is old enough to have the divorce totally rock his/her world any better?
Finally, I know you are scared. I know you are torn. Of course you are! You’re human! But, as awful as you probably feel right now, be patient. Take your time. Work through your feelings. Work through your problems. If you choose to do so, work on your marriage. If you don’t, then work on letting your marriage go.
Will both of those things suck? Absolutely! As hard as it is, try to “embrace the suck.” Don’t run from it, and don’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Sit with it. Ruminate on it. Eventually, you will know what you should do. Everything will be clear. Your answers will come.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi I been married 20 yrs.this April 12 2017 My husband is heavily involved in his hobbies, racign, trazes cars, and a big one internet gaming, He has ran up a lot debt.. We have 5 kid’s ages now 23 down to 14, he ignors them, totally NOT involved in their lives. We have had a lot counseling through our church 4 5 different times.. Thing’s are good for a while then back to same old stuff. I feel dead, I have had feeling for someone else I feel attracted to , he doesn’t prob. know I exsisit this time, I say it’s wrong.. but loves the man’s quality traits. I sit home alone tons, he won’t lift a finger around house, I literally do everything, he says I work full time, last yr I worked full time, I got no help what soever, etc etc, I’m a single mom doing it all anyway!! I feel if I were divorced from him, I wouldn’t put any expectation’s on him.. Believe me we have tried EVERYTHING!!! I’m miserable 🙁
I can hear how unhappy you are. The question is: what are you going to do about it?
I would suggest marriage counseling, but you’ve tried that. So, what about individual counseling for yourself? I’m not suggesting anything is wrong with you. But, the only way to improve your situation is to DO something. Sitting around in the same old situation will only get you the same old life and the same old feelings. The problem is, before you can do anything, you have to have some idea about what to do. That’s where counseling or therapy can fit in.
In counseling, you can start to explore your feelings, your needs, and what you want from your life. You can start to figure out why you have stayed in this marriage when it has been so bad for so long. You can start to decide whether you want to go or to stay. You can identify what you want from your marriage, and whether there is any hope of you getting that if you stay married to your husband. Most of all, you can start to figure out what steps you can take to move yourself forward in whatever direction is best for you.
Moving forward into the unknown is scary. But staying where you are at is no picnic either.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi Karen,
I am 29 and have been married for a year a two months, together for almost five years total. I knew when I got engaged something was not right. I did not feel how I thought I would feel. I was not over the moon. Months went by and I even ended up telling my husband (then fiance) that I was having doubts. I was so madly in love with him in the beginning – he is handsome, rugged and so, so funny. But I slowly started to realize that he never wanted to do much of anything. Gorgeous Saturdays were being spent sitting inside. When I would bring up doing something, it was either met with signs and grumbles, or he would agree to go but seem miserable the whole time. I grew up in a very social household with parents who entertained almost every weekend, so I am the complete opposite of him. When I finally get fed up and go out on my own, he makes me feel guilty about it.
I almost called off the wedding 2 months before, but I was too ashamed and afraid. I was not sure if I wanted to lose him or not? I am still not sure. I have come to him more than a few times now, saying I still feel like nothing has changed. He says this is all my fault because I am an unhappy person. It is hard to respect someone as a man who only wants to watch TV. I ended up starting an emotional affair that has now become physical because I have just become so unattracted to him as a man. I told him we are not ready for children obviously, but that is all he pushes for now and it seems to be all he really cares about is getting kids out of me before he is too “old”. Nothing about him makes me want to be better or pursue any of my dreams, and in fact I feel lazier when I am around him.
My dilemma is that he really is a good guy. Treats me fine. Gets along with everyone, my entire family loves him. But I have never really done anything or gone anywhere in my life, and even on our honeymoon he was just miserable and didnt want to do anything the entire time, I am worried I am wasting my life away because I am staying with someone who does not want to experience life, and that terrifies me. I am not sure if I am more afraid of losing a “decent” guy or looking back later in life realizing I have done nothing.
Oh my!
Have you tried marriage counseling? If not, that might be a good place to start. I also think it may be time for you to start being honest – first with yourself and then with your husband. (Sorry. I know that’s going to be rough!)
If you tell your husband how you are really feeling, you may be able to work on your issues together. Or, he may get so mad that he blows up and blows up your marriage too. Either way, being honest will take courage. Yet, living a lie for the rest of your life is not a great alternative. One way or another, you’ve got to start dealing with what’s going on inside your head.
Keep in mind that if your husband thinks you’ve been crazy in love since the day you met him, learning that you have realized that you don’t feel the same way is likely to be a shock. That’s one of the reasons it may be helpful to have that conversation in the presence of a good therapist. S/he can help guide you so that your discussion is productive. It will still be painful. It will still be scary. But, it is absolutely a conversation you need to have, no matter the end result.
Here’s something to think about. Whether you were “over the moon” or not when you got married, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a good marriage now that you are. You and your husband were in love once. It may be possible that when he hears how unhappy you are, he will change. (Or, not.) That having been said, though, step #1 is deciding that you want to work on having a good marriage with your husband.
If you don’t, then be honest with yourself. Admitting that perhaps you shouldn’t be married to your husband doesn’t make you bad. It doesn’t make you wrong. It might mean you made a mistake. But, everyone makes mistakes. You’re human. Be kind to yourself. Try not to judge yourself too harshly.
One thing you do NOT want to do is have a baby right now! Babies do not save struggling marriages. They only make them worse. Then they get caught in the crossfire in divorce.
I know you are afraid to lose a “decent” guy. But, is a “decent guy” (and more specifically this decent guy) the one you want? Only you can answer that question. Take your time. Think about it long and hard. But if you ever loved your husband, be honest with him. Tell him the truth. It may hurt now, but it will save you both a lifetime of hurt in the future.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Karen, thank you SO MUCH for your reply. I have felt like I have no one to turn to. We actually have done counseling a few times, much to his dismay. I even went alone a few times. I have told him several times about my feeling unhappy, but he seems to think that it is a personal choice to be unhappy because he is just fine. We have had several conversations that end in him being defensive and saying he “can’t sit around all day thinking of ways to make me happy” (verbatim). It hurts to think he does not even want to try to compromise and that I am the only one doing any wrong.
I think I feel sad about what used to be and guilty thinking about him alone and sometimes that is the reason I stay. But then when he blows up and does not seem to see me as anything but a baby machine, it does make me realize a little bit that I don’t deserve that and that it cannot work if we both are not willing. I think I am more afraid of hurting everyone else than hurting myself.
You’re welcome! A few final questions: If your best friend, or your sister, or someone you loved was in your position, what advice would you give to her? Would you tell her that it’s okay for her to hurt herself, so long as she was making everyone else happy? If not, then why would you say that to yourself? Don’t you deserve the same love and compassion as anyone else?
… just asking!
Karen
PS You’re not alone.
Hello Karen
Thanks for your article. It’s made me think differently about a dilemma in which I have been caught for several years now and don’t know what to do about.
My husband has anger issues and can be verbally and emotionally abusive. Sometimes I wish he would become physically abusive, just once, because that will give me a clear-cut reason to leave him. When it’s verbal and emotional, it’s so much harder to pin-point and explain to others. And easier to hide, of course.
He works rotation – or used to, he is now unemployed – and when he is home he is stoned the whole day or drinks beer from the morning. He used to drink vodka but has stopped since he’s puked up blood. He claims he did it for his family but I know the real reason. He’s also been addicted to pain killers for a year, when I was pregnant with our second child – he’s admitted as much but I also knew at the time but just got denial out of him when I tried to confront him about it or even present him with the evidence!
He does not take ownership of most of his actions but kind of passes everything on to me – I run the whole household, basically make all the decisions about the children myself, sort out his messes and now – I have become responsible for bringing in money as well! We have some savings but still… we might be losing our house soon.
I could deal with all this if he didn’t treat me so poorly. Sex is a one-way street and pretty much on (his) demand. My needs are not being met. If I say no, I get pestered until I give in or there is a row. And I do not like conflict so will often give in just to avoid it.
I am an accomplished person but my self-esteem is low because I can’t understand why I am being so pathetic allowing him to treat me this way. It is impossible to reason with him as he does not seem to be able to reason logically – made worse by weed or alcohol or whatever he has found in the medicine cupboard to pop that day. And he is much louder and more overwhelming than me, so making my point becomes just impossible it feels.
We have been to see a counselor, I thought she was very objective which was good, but I also feel like she didn’t call him out on his stuff enough. And in the end it ended up being all about him anyway. Things he has to deal with. But doesn’t. And that’s the thing – I think he is a big egomaniac. When we listen to music, we listen to what he wants to listen to. If I put on my music, he makes fun of it. He talks a LOT and I have to sit there for hours and listen… can’t hide my boredom then he gets angry. But feel like I am not being listened to. Like I am just a supporting act in his life drama. No – that is not good enough for me. And I have told him this but… nothing. Or change for a day.
Part of the problem for me is the logistics of getting separated, and probably that I do in some weird way still love parts of him. But I feel pretty miserable in his company, or when I have to deal with his drama, and very relieved when he goes off to his rotation job. Like I can breathe again and be myself again. Anyway – the logistics, he is American and I am not. The kids (two beautiful children of 5 and 3) and I live in my home country. I can just imagine what kind of guilt trips he’s going to put me on if I tell him I don’t want to be with him any more. And how often will they see their father? And will they hate me for it one day? (My son does bring up incidents of his father’s rage from time to time, so I can see that it has an influence on him.)
I have very supportive friends but I do feel that they are getting a bit sick of my situation, as am I, and I don’t blame them! I am generally a very optimistic and happy kind of person, so I am really fed up of having to tell people I am – still – going through a difficult time.
Now my husband is unemployed and I have to sell the house and make a plan. He is devastated (as I have to hear for hours on end because he can’t deal with his own emotions) so I feel I can’t break up with him now. But – there is always a drama and a crisis, so when?!
So, it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on!
Here’s a couple of (unfortunately) hard truths that anyone thinking about divorce has got to wrap their head around:
1. There is NEVER a good time to get divorced. Nothing is ever perfect. There is always some reason that getting divorced at this moment doesn’t make sense. So, if you know you want a divorce, the best thing you can do is to start learning everything you can about it, talk to a lawyer, make a plan as best you can, and then move forward. Or, you can always stay as you are … for as long as you choose. (Make no mistake about it. NOT deciding to do anything IS a decision.)
2. Fear of the unknown is one of the biggest fears there is. That’s why people say, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” That’s also why a lot of people stay married and miserable as often as they do. When you move forward with a divorce, you are jumping into the unknown with both feet. That’s terrifying! You never know what’s going to happen or how you will end up. Ultimately, you either embrace that, or you let your fears paralyze you. Then you stay stuck.
No one wants to cause themselves pain. Yet, most people are way stronger than they think. I would venture a guess that you are, too.
If you are really feeling stuck, I suggest you talk to a counselor – not as a couple, but just you. You need to explore what’s stopping you so that you get the confidence and the courage to move forward. The answer to your dilemma does not lie with your husband, or your circumstances, or with anything outside of you. You are the one who has to make a choice and live with the consequences. It sounds like you are very able to do that.
I wish you the best.
Karen
PS You might also want to check out this article When is it Time to Divorce. That will help too.
Hi karen,
Thank you for your article. I have read through all the posts and comments but still I feel so unsure. I don’t know where I am at. I feel so lost and so depressed. My article is going to be very long and I apologize for it.
So I have been with my husband since I was 20 and we’ve been married for 4 years. I am 31 yrs. My husband is very handsome, built, caring, loving and we are compatible in many ways. He loves me to the moon and back and would do anything I ask him to. He is actually one of the best human beings I know. He never abuses me, even when we fight he makes sure that I am not upset. He makes sure that everything is for my comfort. Everyone around thinks I’m the luckiest girl ever. But I feel empty. I do love my husband a lot the thought of hurting him hurts me but I don’t feel I’m in love with him. From the start of our relationship I felt that and I always brushed it off. So I told myself that’s alright you have someone who loves you more than life. But the main issue came up when I realized he isn’t sexual. It’s been this way since the start. I didn’t look into it thinking that may be he is just shy. But after few years into the relationship it was still the same. Whenever we made out or had sex it was always so passionless for me but I just didn’t address it Coz I thought it would hurt him. Couple of years back I almost broke up with him because of this issue coz I did not feel satisfied. We went months without even just making out. I told him I wanted to break up and it tore him apart. He promised he would work on our passion and being more Intimate. Everyone told me that it would get better and that he is an amazing guy. So I stayed But after our marriage things didn’t really progress. We did have an amazing time together like we travelled alot. We did everything together but I felt more like I am with a best friend than a partner.
Whenever I tried to initiate any physical activity he would always say he’s too tired or stressed. He would apologize though and I felt bad. Then the pressure of having a baby came and it made him more stressed. So we did an iui. He would say he is too stressed to perform and once I get pregnant he would be fine. But the iui failed and I know it’s awful to think that way but I feel a little relieved that it did. Because I felt once we have a baby then he might never touch me again. Everything was fine. I was trying my best to be supportive, to try and tell him not to stress and to be there for him. Even tried dressing up, booking getaways for weekends to spark things up. I tried not to bring up the sexual talks coz he would always say that it stresses him. I asked him many times to go for therapy for it but he refused.
Many a times I would wish that he cheats on me or something happens that would break us.
Anyway so couple of months back I got into an emotional relationship with a friend of mine. We’ve always been close. He advised me to work things out with my husband but it just didn’t happen. And then my relation with my Friend got to a point where we fell in love and then it got physical (no sex). Ofcourse I felt awful and guilty but I just couldn’t stand to be apart from my friend. There was just so much passion and chemistry. I have never felt this way before not even with my husband although I’ve tried many times. We always spoke about how things would be if I wasn’t married. He confessed that he’s always liked me since the time we met. We kept breaking up coz of guilt and going back coz we were in love.
I decided to speak to my husband, told him I want out coz of how I felt but kept the affair a secret still coz I know it would kill him and it was really the reason I wanted out Coz j had thought about it many times before. He was angry at first said that I ruined his life and that I should have left his years back but then he agreed to many things I said. He said that he doesn’t know why he never felt it but I’m the only girl he wants. And it just makes me very confused. He says he will work on it and go for counselling but I feel nothing now. Even when he touches me. I feel like things cannot go back to normal. Even if they do it would eventually turn out to be how they were as it has happened before. We’ve had this problem before. But I kept going back and forth on what to do as I was so confused and got into this depressing state.
So After almost 4-5 months of my affair my friend broke it off saying that he wants me all to himself and me not making a decision to divorce my husband is just messing him and us and everything. Which I agree. My indecisiveness was making him crazy coz nothing was moving forward and we all were just stuck. We decided to just be friends.
I don’t want to leave my husband for another guy coz I know my future with my friend isn’t certain. I know that much. Although I do miss my friend and I know that the issue I have with my husband was there long before he came in. It probably just sent the alarm to my head that something isn’t right. But I am really torn. I don’t want to hurt my husband but I feel like I’m hurting. I feel I would be happier without him and sometimes I’m just sacred . Mostly of how he will cope up. He sees me as his world and it kills me that I did what I did to him but if I truly loved him I wouldn’t have. I also keep thinking of my friend. I cannot get him out of my head. I feel ill never find that connection with anyone else. I am also scared of being alone. What if I never find anyone? And I feel like I’m too old and I’ve wasted my husband life.
I feel like such an awful person.
Awful
Dear Awful,
You are not awful! I can tell you don’t want to hurt your husband. I also doubt that you really want to hurt yourself. The problem is, right now you are doing both.
I don’t want to be harsh, but I will share a little “tough love” with you right now. I would like you to answer a few questions for yourself. Are you happy and fulfilled in your marriage? Is this the life you want to be living? If nothing changes in your marriage, and you live to be 100, still married to your husband, when you’re on your death bed, will you be happy with how you lived your life?
It seems to me that, if you were being totally honest with yourself, the answer to all of those questions would probably be, “No.” The problem is, you’re not being totally honest with yourself. You’re trying to convince yourself that you should stay in a sexless marriage because your husband is a great guy. He’s handsome, and well-built and would do anything for you. Except have sex.
Sorry, but that’s a problem.
If you didn’t want to have sex either, you’d have a great marriage. But you DO want to have sex. The fact that he doesn’t IS a problem for you, and it’s time you started to deal with it.
You’re going to want to start by being honest with yourself. You’re only 31 years old. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this kind of relationship? If not, you need to change it. Maybe the two of you can go to a sex therapist. Find out if there is something you can do to put the spark back into your marriage. Avoiding sexual talks because it stresses your husband only buries the problem. It’s time to bring it out into the open. Talk about it. Work on it. See if there is a medical reason for the problem. See if you can make things better.
If you can’t, (or he won’t) then you have to decide whether you want to stay in this kind of relationship, or move on. Maybe you do. People live in sexless relationships all the time. They don’t necessarily talk about it. But they do. If you’re okay with that, there is nothing wrong with it. But if you’re not okay with it, then staying married because of whatever excuse you’re telling yourself is just garbage. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your husband.
You say you don’t want to hurt him. How much more will it hurt him if you stay together, but you end up having an affair (or multiple affairs) behind his back? My guess is that will hurt a whole lot worse. Plus, you obviously wanted a child … but now, not with him! What does that tell you? And what will happen if you have an affair, and get pregnant? It’s not like he won’t know that he’s not the father! So, then you get divorced and your child has no father?!
Believe me when I say I am not being judgmental. You’re not an awful person. You’re just someone who doesn’t want to face the truth because you’re afraid for yourself and you don’t want to hurt your husband. You have the best intentions. But good intentions alone won’t make or sustain a good marriage. For that you need love, trust, integrity and honesty.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Karen,
Your website has been very informative and thank you for that. I recently have filed for divorce after being married for 2 years and have a 1 year old daughter with my wife. Now, there are many issues in our marriage that has led us to where we are at. Lack of communication, little to no compromise on a lot of things, very bad attitude with family/lack of respect, lack of intimacy, and to be quite honest I’ve really started not to like the person I’m married to as a person, and even not liking myself and who I am when I’m with her. Given all of this, and being the person filing for divorce I’m still hesitant if this is the right thing to do. We share a daughter who is 1 year old and a lot of people say the first year is the hardest, but my wife has made it so much more difficult than it needs to be. Due to her family history, she is overprotective of the child, won’t let anyone help or take care of the child, unless its someone she says is okay to which is mainly 1 person. We’ve had 1 night out as a date night in a year, and I mention that because it obviously bothers me, but now at this point I’m not sure if we were to “date” would we have anything to talk about other than our daughter?! So all of this is saddening and depressing. I can’t decide if I should try and make it work or get out as so many of my family friends say to do. My wife is controlling and very critical and has isolated herself from almost everyone. I saw shades of this early on in our dating years, but since marriage and definitely since having our daughter it has magnified. We’ve briefly tried counseling, but didn’t do much as she just says the right things, but no follow through with action. I’m seriously concerned that nothing will ever change enough to make me fully happy in the relationship. I just can’t stand the thought of losing time with my kid, which she has threatened to do all she can to get full custody, as thats her only leverage on me, as she knows I love our daughter so much and have stayed home with her as my wife is the breadwinner and has the better job, I stayed home and have been an excellent father, yet now she is upset that I want a divorce and is making threatening statements about custody that scare the heck out of me. I have yet to get an attorney as when I filed she agreed to be amicable and did not want to spend money on lawyers as we really only have a child we care to split, no real other assets. Though once she received the papers in the mail her tune changed and she met with an attorney and is now seemingly out to screw me over anyway she can. Which isn’t helping me with the idea of possibly still trying to make things work, as the more and more that she does and says actually is scaring me into thinking/questioning what kind of person did I marry and if we somehow were to come through all this, what is to stop her from being manipulative and trying to screw me over 5/10 years down the road? Really looking for some helpful insight and feedback on this when you can, much appreciated!
I’m glad you like my website. I hope I can continue to give you good information now, too. I’ll do my best.
Okay. Where do I start?
I can tell that you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted out of your marriage, or still wanted to work on things. The problem is that, when you filed for divorce, everything changed. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m not surprised.
Can you still work on your marriage? Maybe. But it will now be one hundred times harder. (Sorry.) Filing for divorce is “the nuclear option” in marriage. Once you push the button, it’s really hard to go back. You filed for divorce. You pushed the button. That’s not to say you can’t still work things out. A few people do. Very few. Most don’t. If you want to try, then I strongly suggest you work with a marriage counselor. That will give you the best chance of success.
Meanwhile, at this point, what you really need is a lawyer. You need legal advice — especially since your wife has already gotten a lawyer. You now can not afford to try to do this without a lawyer yourself.
You say all you have to split is your child. With all due respect, that’s a lot. You need to understand what your rights and responsibilities will be if and when you get divorced. You also have to figure out how you’re going to support yourself after you’re divorced. You said your wife is the breadwinner and has the better job. That’s fine while you’re married, but what are you going to do when you divorce? With such a short marriage, you can’t count on getting spousal support from your wife, at least not for very long. Plus, you now have a child that you need to support, too.
It would be best if you and your wife could talk and work something out between you. You need to figure out child support, and spousal support, and custody/decision making for your daughter. You need to make a parenting plan and a parenting schedule. You need to put a lot of pieces in place now so that you are both in a position to move forward after your divorce with the least trauma to your child. If you can do that yourselves, great. If not, a mediator can help. Otherwise, you’re going to have to go through lawyers. That’s not optimal. But it may be your only choice.
I wish I had better news for you. But, the truth is that filing for divorce set you on the path of getting divorced. The best thing you can do now is prepare yourself, and deal with it.
Karen
This article is very insightful. I just wish this decision was an easier one to make. I’ve been struggling for months trying to decided which direction to take.
My husband and I have been together 11 years, married for 8. We have three children, the youngest being 1. A few months ago I found out that my husband cheated. When I confronted him he lied until I showed him the proof. Then he fessed. He said it was only once but this is not the first time I’ve caught him talking to other women. He has a history of lying quite a bit.
I’ve caught him talking to women, some sexually, at least 7 times throughout our relationship. Usually he has some excuse, or he’s apologetic and I end up forgiving him. This was the first time (that I know of) that he actually had sex with someone else. It broke me. If it happened when he says it did (which I have doubts) it was while we were trying to conceive our 3rd child. How could he do that to me knowing we were trying for another baby?
We tried counseling a couple times and I’ve tried to get past it but I just don’t know if I can. I have so much resentment toward my husband for all the things he’s done I just don’t think I can forgive anymore. I think about it all the time. I struggle to be intimate with him because afterwards, it’s all I think about. It’s sent me into a depression. And I have no trust left.
I know this sounds clear cut but I struggle because besides his lies and infidelity, he is a good man. We can still have fun together but at the end of the day the things he’s done still haunt me. And I worry about my children and what a divorce will do to them. I’m so torn….
Oh my! I can hear how much you are struggling. I can only imagine how difficult this decision is for you.
I wish I could tell you what to do, but the truth is: I can’t. The decision you face is yours alone to make.
If it helps, know that whatever you decide, whether it is to go or to stay, you are not bad or wrong. Either decision will have consequences, probably both good and bad. A divorce will have an effect on your children, but so will staying in a marriage where they see their father lie and cheat on their mother, while their mother spirals farther into depression each time. Neither scenario is perfect. So know from the start that you are simply trying to make the best choice when all the choices you face are bad ones.
If you would like, try this. Think about where your life will be in a year, five years and ten years if you stay. Then envision the same thing if you go. Pay attention to how you feel as you work through each vision. Then ask yourself, what do you want for your life in a year, five years, and ten years? Just remember, the ONLY one you can control is you. Human behavior doesn’t often change. So, when you are trying to envision what you want for the future, the one scenario you can’t create is the one where your husband changes. That’s probably the scenario you wish would come true. But, it’s also the one scenario that you can’t create yourself. It’s the least likely to actually happen. (Sorry!)
Finally, remember that NOT making a decision IS a decision. Not making a decision yourself will also rob you of whatever power and control you have. No matter how difficult the decision is, making a decision will always be better than letting others decide your life for you. (At least, in my humble opinion, that’s true.)
Good luck. I wish you the best!
Karen
Dear Karen,
If I moved towns to be with my partner in marriage and I need space from our unresolved problems to think about separation or divorce and we have one 3 yrs old child who just started nursery, do I move back to my home time where I don’t need to pay rent and make my son moves schools and away from his father or do I move out and stay in the same town to keep my son in school and near his dad but I have to pay rent on my own when I don’t have a stable job as I depend on my partner for finances. Please advise. I love my husband but I feel like we are not compatible and mostly at odds with each other’s values. I am soft he is hard. I feel defeated to fight to stand up for myself without his support. He can be very nasty with communication. Please help.
I wish I could answer you, but you really need legal advice from a local lawyer about this. I don’t know how far away your partner’s town is from your home town. Because you have a child involved, this question is more complicated than you might think. You really need legal advice. Unfortunately, I can’t give that to you online or outside the state of Illinois.
I very much had to reply to this because this is SO so relatable to me I am in tears. Like this woman I have a cheating spouse (1 sexual encounter I know of, at least 5 or more he has talked to sexually). Also, have 3 children and the physical cheating happened while I was pregnant with my 3rd child and after he was born.
However, of course he is a great father and amazing provider but the pain is still there. I know the answer is clear, but he get soo emotional when I bring up divorce. Of course I am.financially upside down after having trouble keeping a job and have chosen to stay home with our 2yo. (I was also laid off 2 weeks after the physical affair to add insult to injury)
I am.emotionless most days because I have been hurt so much so many times I almost cannot feel the hurt anymore. He just thinks trying harder will make everything ok, and of course being the sole breadwinner he knows it.
I have the courage mentally but he will not make this easy, and financially I am worried I won’t be able to make it.
Just need some encouraging words….. Thank you.
My heart goes out to you. Divorce is never easy. But living in a marriage with a serial cheater isn’t easy either.
I can understand your concern about not being able to make it financially after you divorce. The way to combat your fear is with knowledge. The more you can learn about your current financial situation, the better off you will be. Also, you need to rally yourself and start thinking about what you can do for a job. Staying home with your 2yo is great if you can afford it. But, if you get divorced, you may not be able to afford it. So, now is the time to start realistically considering what you can and can’t do to make money.
If you need to go back to school, then do it. If you need more work experience at a lesser job to build yourself up, then get it. If you need better contacts to land a decent job, start networking now.
The bottom line is that, whatever you need to do to get yourself to be self-supporting (or as close to it as possible) that’s what you need to start doing.
You also might want to talk to a divorce lawyer and get an idea of what you might get in child support and/or alimony/maintenance if you divorce. Knowing that will help you figure out how much money you need to generate yourself in order to make ends meet.
Finally, get yourself a therapist. Going through a divorce is rough. Doing it when you’re already numb and emotionless can be harder. Trust me, your emotions are still there. You may not feel them. But, they are still there. The sooner you can unearth them and start to deal with them, the better off you will be.
Whether you get divorced or not, you are going to face challenges. But they are challenges that you CAN face. You are stronger than you think. You may never have wanted to be in this situation, but now that you are, know that you can deal with it. It won’t be easy. But you can do this.
Hang in there!
Karen
Thank you for this article. I’m a stay at home mom, been married for 7 years and am heavily considering divorce or separation (idealy). The problem is that my husband doesn’t seem to want neither nor does he make an effort to change things in our marriage and home. He knows changes have to happen but he doesn’t do his part. I’ve felt empty and alone in our marriage for several years now. It slowly and progressively became this way. Even though I would tell my husband that we would be here one day, he never bothered to make the changes he needed to. I always feel rejection from him (sexually, physically, morally and emotionally). He’s controlling and I’ve started to wonder if he is verbally and emotionally abusive. He points out my flaws more often than he points out my strengths. He recently crushed me when I wanted to take my mother (who was visiting) to a local lake. I mentioned to him that we did not have to spend money (since we had just gotten back from a little vacation with our kids and my mother) and he agreed to go sometime during that week. He hadn’t set a date so when I brought it up towards the end of the week and told him we would be going the following day, he became so irritable and didn’t want me to go. I asked him what was the big deal if we didn’t have to spend money and he said, “it costs gas to get there” then went on to tell me to get a job. He recently retired and I can understand he might be stressed (although we have a healthy bank account). However, what I don’t understand is that the following day, he bought alcohol and asked if we could host a small get together with his friend and wife. He gets very upset and moody when I spend money (regardless of the amount…even when I was working, too) and always blames me for almost everything that goes wrong including our marital issues. He doesn’t communicate with me. I’ve known more about his plans after retirement because of conversations he has had with other people when they ask. We went to counseling at the beginning of our marriage but we didn’t complete it because he cancelled two appointments in a row (to watch sports). I recently tried to schedule counseling for us again but no one would call me back so I gave up on trying after several attempts. I asked him if he could take care of it (Hoping he would have better luck than me) but has yet to do anything. I can go on and on about all of our issues and why I am heavily considering divorce. I don’t want I be a divorced woman, I’m afraid of how often my kids will see their dad and how it will affect them (I come from a broken home). But I also want to be the best to my kids and being in this marriage just makes me so unhappy, alone irritable and tense (possibly depressed). I’m not afraid of having to do it on my own with my two kids, I just don’t want to break up my family. We will be moving out of State next year so I have started to prepare myself with licenses/credentials to get back to work asap. In the meantime, I don’t have a place to move to temporarily since we currently live in a State alone with no family near by. I also don’t want for him to move to my town only to get divorced and him having to move once again (it makes me feel selfish). I don’t know what to do anymore other than suck it up until I can get back on my feet and take things from there. Thank you for taking the time to read my vent.
Where do I start?
It sounds like you are very unhappy. You are also obviously very conflicted about getting divorced. That’s understandable. Divorce may get you out of a relationship where you feel controlled, unappreciated and disrespected. But, it will also mean that you will then have to take control of your life yourself – and that’s scary! It will have an affect on your kids. And, if getting a divorce is your decision, then you’ll have to deal with the guilt that comes along with that, too.
I know you said you tried calling a therapist. Try again. Try harder. Get a therapist for yourself. If you can get your husband to go to a marriage counselor with you, great! But, it sounds like you could really use a therapist of your own. It’s time to start looking inside yourself, dealing with your own issues (we all have them!) and reclaiming your own power. I know that becoming empowered when you’re married to someone who is constantly pointing out your flaws isn’t easy. But it can be done. You can do it.
Once you can start standing on your own with more strength and courage, your next steps – whatever they are – will become clearer and easier to take.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Thank you so much, Karen. I really appreciate your input. I will try again and get therapy for myself.
Hi,
I have been married for three years. Married my high school sweetheart and first real boyfriend. We married at a very young age. All throughout our relationship I felt the urge to explore and be with other people or be alone. However each time I attempted to do so, I felt enormous guilt and did nothing. Then we got married, a little over a year ago I had an affair. Emotional and sexual. At that point I realized I wanted to be alone. I needed to be me alone and away from my husband. Hwowver when the affair came out I was again driven to comfort and back to working things out. I love my husband and he is an great person. I however do not feel fulfilled in the marriage or really interested in a future. Sex is not enjoyable for me and I feel a lack of connection. I also still have very strong feelings for the other man. I have been separated for some time now and am considering divorce at this point. My family says I will regret this but I am also scared to continue to live with these feeling for another year.
I know you face a difficult decision. But, it sounds like you already made your decision long ago. You’ve just tried to push your decision aside, and pretend it’s not true, when you know it is.
I don’t mean to be hard on you, but it’s time to be honest – with yourself and with your husband. If you want to be alone, you need to tell your husband that. If your husband is really the great man that you say, then he deserves to know the truth. And it’s time for you to stop hiding it.
Telling the truth doesn’t necessarily mean that you will get divorced. Maybe a marriage counselor could help you repair your marriage. Maybe not. (Ok. Probably not.) But, it’s time for you to look inside of yourself and be honest about what you see. You might also want to start doing some deep work on yourself to figure out how you got to where you are now, and what you are so afraid of. Working through your own issues, whatever they are (and we all have our issues, so don’t feel like I’m picking on you here!) is never bad. It may also help you from making similar mistakes in your next relationship.
Good luck.
Karen
Hi
I have a full time job been at my job for 13 years and have a 6 year old son and also live with my parents im tryin to get out of a marriage that i no longer wont to be in i don’t wont nothing i just want to be single and take care of my son but my husband is threatening to take my son away from me will the judge allow that
I wish I could answer you and put your mind at ease. But there are so many factors that come into play in a situation like yours, that I couldn’t possibly tell you what will happen, one way or the other.
What I do suggest is getting some good legal advice as soon as possible. You need a lawyer who can advise you about your rights and responsibilities. You need someone who can help you make a plan and a strategy for achieving that plan. I strongly suggest that you find a good family law attorney in your area as soon as possible.
Karen
Well: I have been a SAHM for the last 10 years. I am a permanent resident of the US but NOT a citizen, My husband and kiddos are. We lived abroad for over 10 years and we moved to the States a few years ago. So, I have NO family or close friends near by. My husbands has cheated on me a couple of times and this recent one has me over the fence. I am still deciding if our relationship is worth saving. Thirteen years together. My problem is that I dont know where to start?? As my kids are in school all day now I’ve been looking for jobs but nothing has come yet. I have a bachelor’s degree in Ecotourism, but I have worked in a lot of different environments plus I am bilingual. I just don’t know how to make the first step???
The first step is to educate yourself so you know your options. I can’t go into details on a web page, but if you contact me, I may be able to give you some direction so you know what your next steps are. Here’s the link to contact me. https://karencovy.com/connect/
Best.
Karen
I’ve been on the fence for the past couple of years about my marriage. We’ve been married 18 years, with two kids (13 and 10), but the wife and I have been drifting into a roommate situation for a while now.
Unfortunately, many years of my wife being hostile, judgmental and inflexible/impatient with me, the kids, and my parents have taken their toll. I am a people-pleaser by nature, so I’ve been working on enforcing better boundaries with her and calling her out on her bad behavior. Boy, does she hate that! At the same time, there are stretches when she’s not only tolerable but downright kind. She’s tried solo therapy but always quits after a few sessions, and we did a handful of couples counseling sessions a couple years ago (my idea), but we ended that when she told me she felt like I was “winning” at our sessions. Ugh.
We both work — in fact, she makes about $50K a year more than I do — but I can’t seem to pull the trigger to initiate a separation. The other night, she confronted me after I called her out on an un-empathetic remark (she made a snide comment about where my elderly parents are going to be moving in a couple of months — a slightly longer drive for us when we visit them). She said I was so mean to her lately, suggested that we should “divide our assets” and be single parents, and then asked me, “What do you want?” I froze — and then gave a vague answer about wanting respect and real partnership from her.
I almost wish she’d toss a coffee mug at my head so I’d have a clear-cut reason to get out. Help!
It sounds like you’re looking for the easy way out. That’s usually the time when life is least likely to give it to you. (Sorry! No coffee mugs for you!)
Time for a little tough love. If you are that unhappy in your marriage (and it sounds like you are) it’s up to YOU to do something about it. While it would be nice if your wife made things easier, the truth is that YOU are responsible for your own happiness. (Again, sorry! But you asked.)
You can’t change your wife. You can’t control your wife. All you can do is manage your own behavior and control yourself. If doing that isn’t getting you the relationship you want you have 2 choices: change yourself or re-evaluate whether you want to be in this marriage in the first place. If you decide you don’t, then YOU are going to have to take steps to end the marriage.
The reason you’ve been on the fence for so long is because you are waiting for your wife to take action and end the marriage. So far, that hasn’t happened. Maybe it never will. So, if you truly want out, it’s time for you to step up and face that reality. On the other hand, if you’re not sure you want out, then it’s up to you to step up and get yourself in therapy, or do whatever you need so that you can focus on what YOU can do to make the marriage better.
If you’ve tried everything, and you know your marriage is beyond repair, then you can be at peace when you decide to call it quits.
Finally, an observation. It sounds like you are very focused on everything your wife is doing wrong. I wonder what would happen if you focused instead on what she’s doing right? I wonder if that would change your relationship?
If it seems like I’ve been hard on you here, I apologize. But, from what you wrote, it seems like you are very unhappy, but looking for someone else to save you from that. YOU can save yourself. You’re the only one who can.
I hope that helps.
Karen
I’m so glad I stumbled across this article and also happy to see it is still active in the comments. With that said, here is my situation. I fee like u should leave but the fear of the unknown cripples me.
Quick overview of us, we have been married 10 years, have two kids ages 8 and 5.
I am an emotional person. Emotions are important to me. Sometimes as a man, I am not the “strong one”. I am not very romantic either but I love showing random acts of affection. Sometimes, I’m a little lazy but I do a lot to help around the house and with the kids. I’m not a good communicator sometimes. Ok, I acknowledged my issues…so here’s the rest.
Over the years, my wife’s lack of affection has really gotten to me. I am a person who requires emotions in a relationship. In addition to that, our sex life has slowly decreased over time. We are now about once every two week to a month. Not bad but not great IMO.
When I bring these things up, she gets annoyed. She says things like “oh, you have got it so bad”, in a condensing way. I’ve been belittled in arguments over and over again. I am constantly reminded on how she is a “good catch”.
I feel unappreciated. I cook, I clean, I take the kids to school, bathe them, take them to sports etc… and yes I know, these are expected of me and I have no problem doing them. No matter what I do though, I feel like it’s never enough. I work, fix things around the house, make home improvements, etc.. I’m made to feel I should be doing more or that what I do is not good. I’ve struggled with these feelings for a while and have expressed them numerous times. Nothing changes.
She says she “knows she is not that bad” and brushes it all of to act like I’m too emotional. On my days off, when alone, I feel like I can’t take time to myself. I’m worried about making sure I’m doing something to please her. When I do things around the house, my abilities are belittled. Example, I recently hung 3 new ceiling fans. One of which I ran into an issue. She saw me sweating my butt off, getting upset, and instead of asking if I am ok, do I need a hand, or anything…….she says “what the heck,, everytime you do something it turns into something more than what it should have been”, as well as other condescending type statements.
We both work a lot and have good careers, so I know we are both tired….I get that
But, I’m never to tired to tell her she looks beautiful, or give her a kiss when I get home, or a random hug. Simple little signs and actions of affection. These things are never returned….honestly when I say never I mean it. Additionally, when I say that I do these things and she never returns them she swears up and down I don’t do these things…and I know I do.
I can’t help but to think she doesn’t love me and that I’ll never be good enough.
Her response is “if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be with you”. Should that be enough? Should I accept that answer and just accept that she is who she is?
I just don’t fee like I get any kind of validation…. at all. As an emotional person, this is important. Again…I’ve expressed this to her for a long time. She knows how i feel but never seems to make a conscious effort to improve.
In addition to all of that, I can not remember the last time she has initiated sex. I’ll admit, I have a very high drive. But I’m not looking for much. Once a week is good for me. I would just love for her to initiate sex but it never happens. I have to do it. 80-90% of the time, I am shot down. It’s something that bothers me immensely. I have shared this with her and her response is “I think you have a problem”. It’s not normal to have that high of a drive she says. Again, I’m made to feel like I’m the one with an issue. Am I?
Recently, I decided I can’t hold in these feelings anymore. I blew up on her and finally took a REAL stand for how I feel. It happened while I was doing some house chores. She was picking apart the way I was cleaning. It’s not up to “her standard” and it wasn’t how “she would do it”
She was so upset with how I approached it and basically thinks my points are invalid. She shows love “in other ways” is what she says. When she says that she means by working hard in her career and doing things around the house. She says “I know I’m a good wife and I’m not a bad person.”
I decided it was time to call a counselor a few days later, she agreed to go.
The first meeting went well. However, since then, she refused to say she loves me. She said she is “protecting herself”. When I asked why she said because of me being unhappy. My thought process is if you know I’m unhappy, wouldn’t you try harder to make me happy? At least I feel like this is what I would do if I were in her shoes. I told her ALL of this.
Her response was “you don’t control me, so you better take a step back. I’ll say it when things are better”.
We had our second meeting the other day. It was my turn to lay out my expectations. After doing so the counselor said I laid out very realistic expectations. They were not unrealistic by any means. Basically, I was looking for respect and affection in my expectations.
My expectations were met with a “I am who I am and I’m not going to change”. The counselor seemed taken back. We had to end the session shortly after due to time.
Last night, we were lying in bed and I cuddled with her and was talking to her. It’s a situation where I knew we were both in the mood. So I thought to myself, she heard what I said today let me see if she tries anything. After a few minutes I mentioned this and she got upset. She said I’m not going to change over night. Ok, I get it, and I do not expect you to change instantly. I initiated and then our dog messed everything up (long story there). We didn’t have sex but afterwards it turned into a fight because I wanted the puppy to go downstairs and she didn’t…it became a huge mess. Then it led to the other things. I told her I knew she can’t change over night. But I think any normal person in that situation would have been like “oh….. here is my chance to initiate, he just mentioned today how important this is to him, let me show him I listened and that I really do care”. But she didn’t see it that way.
I told her yet again why these things are imperative to me and how not feeling wanted has really hurt me. She said she doesn’t understand, she said I’m too emotional. She said “I’ll show you what it is like to not be wanted, don’t text me throughout the day, don’t call me and don’t touch me, I’m not going to counseling anymore either”. It was the ” I know I’m not a bad person and if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be with you”.
I then once again started questioning the way I felt. Am I asking too much? Should it not be a big deal? Is it ok for me to never receive what I think is affection?
I could type way more but that is the gist of it. I can go into more detail if you would like. For instance, yesterday I stopped by the grocery store to pick up dinner, she mentioned she needed deodorant. Well, apparently I picked the wrong deodorant and man did I get yealled at for that one. Like “you know this is not what I use”. I said, no I did not know that. I said, “do you know what kind I wear?” She did not have an answer. It is things like this that drive me nuts.
But, the way she turns things around I am ALWAYS questioning myself and whether or not I am the one in the wrong.
I know what I should do but I’m scared. I fee like over the years I’ve been made to believe its always my fault and I can’t help but to feel the same way here. The unknown scares me. If I leave, will I fee better? Will I redeem it? I just don’t know. 🙁
Oh my! Where to start?
First of all, I apologize for having taken so long to respond. But, you wrote a lot, and I wanted to make sure I was able to digest everything you said so I could respond thoughtfully.I’ll try my best.
First off, it’s clear that you are not happy in your marriage. What’s not as clear is where you are at in therapy. It sounds like your wife may have stopped going with you to counseling. If so, that would be a shame. Dealing with relationship issues takes time. Sometimes it takes a LOT of time. While marriage counseling isn’t the answer for everyone, it is usually a great place to work on your marriage and make improvements over time. If you can get back into counseling, it would be a good idea.
But, if your wife won’t go back to counseling, then what?
It starts by figuring out what you want.
Do you want to stay married to your wife? That’s what you need to ask yourself. But, from what you wrote, I can’t tell what your answer would be.
You said you are an emotional person and emotions are important to you. You said sex is important to you. What you didn’t say, in all of what you wrote, is whether you love your wife. You didn’t say whether you wanted to be married to your wife.
You seem to be self-aware. You know you’re not perfect. (No one is, by the way!) But you also know you have needs and your needs are not being met. You’re focused on how your wife doesn’t do what you want. It seems that she, too, is focused on how you’re not doing what she wants. With all due respect, you seem to be locked into a way of relating to each other that isn’t doing a whole lot of good for either one of you.
While that sounds negative, it’s really not.
None of the problems you’ve talked about are insurmountable. If you change yourself, and you change how you deal with your wife, you will change your relationship. If you start acting differently towards your wife, I’d be willing to bet that she will start acting differently to you. The key, though, is to stop playing the game that you’ve been playing with her for years. If you want an amazing, loving, wonderful marriage, you can’t make it a power struggle. You can’t make it a situation where you say, “I’ll give you what you need IF you give me what I need first.” You also can’t keep focusing on all of the things she DOESN’T do for you and then expect her to treat you like you want to be treated.
Relationships don’t work that way.
I know this sounds crazy. You can think I’m crazy if you want. But, if you want a different result in your marriage, you have to do things differently than you’ve been doing. I think it was Einstein who said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”
You’ve told your wife what you want. You’ve argued with her. You’ve talked to her. You’ve focused on your needs and told her how important they are. None of that is wrong. But now, for six months, try focusing on HER needs. Not on what you THINK are her needs. But on what SHE really wants. How do you know?
Ask her.
Ask her what she wants. Talk to her. A lot. Ten times more than you think you need to. Talk to her. Focus on HER. Stop thinking about yourself. Do what makes her happy. I’m not saying to be a doormat. I’m not saying that you push your own needs aside. I’m also not saying you’re going to do this forever. What I’m suggesting is that you try an experiment. Ask her what she wants. Listen to her. Spend time with her. Love her the way SHE wants to be loved. Then see what happens.
I’ll be willing to bet that, at first, she won’t trust what you’re doing. She’ll wonder what you’re up to. She’ll be suspicious. But, she will like being the center of your world. She will start to melt. And, if she loves you, she will start to want to make you feel as good as she’s feeling.
Of course, if she doesn’t love you, you may get a different result. That will tell you a lot. If she still focuses on all of your faults and constantly makes you wrong, point that out to her, in as non-accusing a way as you can. Tell her you’re trying your best to bet he best husband you can be. Don’t judge her or try to make her feel guilty by saying she’s not being a good wife. Focus on what you can control – yourself and your behavior.
If, after six months, nothing has changed and your relationship is the same, then you will be able to walk away from it with a clear conscious. On the other hand, if things have gotten better, you won’t need to leave.
You asked if you can redeem your relationship. I don’t know the answer. But, if you try, you just might.
Meanwhile, even if your wife won’t go back to couples counseling, you would be wise to get into counseling yourself. Keep working on yourself. The better and stronger you become, the better off you will be – whether your marriage makes it through this rough patch or not.
I hope this helps.
Karen
PS The unknown scares everyone. But if and when the pain of staying in your relationship as it is gets too unbearable, you will find the strength to leave, non matter how scary that thought is. One way or another, you will get through this time. You will be okay.
I don’t even know where to start. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to be married any more, but I’m stuck. We’ve been married for 18 years and together for 22. We have 3 children together. I guess I’ve never really been truly happy in our marriage, maybe at the beginning I was. I think my bad feelings toward him began after my first miscarriage less than a year after we got married. He did take me to the hospital for a d&c and then brought me home but left and went right back to work after dropping me off. He has always been a workaholic and it never got better. I’ve always felt like he just doesn’t care about me. There is no sympathy from him at all. A couple years ago right before christmas I was having horrible pain. I ended up driving myself to the doctors 30 mins away because he wouldn’t. It was just diverticulitis but I was in pain. The pills they gave me for it made me horribly sick and the pain was bad. I was throwing up. I asked if he could watch the baby that night – just take care of her if she woke up. He said he had to get up early for work the next day. Thankfully she slept all night because I was up all night in pain and throwing up. Stuff like that happens a lot. He doesn’t care if I’m sick or in pain. I had a bad gallbladder attack and actually ended up staying in the hospital because of it and getting it removed. I had to call my mom to drive me that night because he had to work the next morning and who would take care of the kids if he drove me. He doesn’t have one pinch of sympathy. I think because maybe he didn’t get any growing up. He’s never stuck up for me or defended me.
He’s a good man and a good dad and provider. Things have been bad for years. He posted a craigslist ad 2 years ago looking for a sexting partner and slept with her once before I found out. He said he felt bad and would never cheat on me again, but then a year later he posted another ad looking for a penpal and then several months ago posted an ad for a threesome because he thought I wanted one! We had a huge fight and I found out that he thinks I have never in our whole marriage done my part during sex. I don’t just lay there and do nothing! But he has a big sex drive and likes a lot of things I don’t. Even though we’ve done several different positions during the years and I’ve done many things I wasn’t comfortable with and didn’t like, I still never did my share in the bedroom. Apparently I’m absolutely horrible in bed. But now, I just don’t want to have sex with him because of all that. It’s mostly not the physical cheating but what he said. And I’m supposed to fake it as well. I’ve never faked an orgasm and don’t see the point. I don’t always have one, but I do more often then not. But now I have to fake it if I don’t. I have a hard time sleeping with him now. I find that I can’t orgasm now and it was never a problem before. And when I do I have worked so hard to make myself that I get an instant sharp piercing headache when I do. I’m trying to avoid sex now and that isn’t helping our marriage.
I’m stuck though. I haven’t worked in over 14 years since just before our first child was born. I have no skills at all. I can’t do anything. I’m stupid. I have an unfinished degree towards teaching that I can’t finish because we have no money and too much debt. I have no skills in anything. I’m also very shy and introverted. I have anxiety when I’m around people. I’ve thought about maybe applying to be a substitute playground helper/class/lunchroom helper, but I looked up sample interview questions for that and I can’t answer any of those questions. I used to be smart, but now I just keep getting dumber and dumber. I have a bad memory. The thought of working at a fast food restaurant and dealing with all those people all day makes me want to vomit and die. Of course, they didn’t even hire me years and years ago when I applied before having kids. I have no job and no skills to get a job so I can’t leave, I’m stuck. No family and zero friends. But I’m so unhappy. I just want to be loved and love someone with my whole heart. He is a good man, and he works hard and loves the kids. I just don’t think he loves me. I hate that he has always worked 60+ hours a week, often going on business trips. We have zero in common, we are literally 100% opposite in everything. I don’t think he intentionally does things , but he makes me feel stupid. And when I say I’m stupid he doesn’t agree or disagree, he says nothing. There is no non sexual attention or affection from him. No hand holding or kissing. He barely kisses during sex. All he does when he’s home is play with the kids (which is very good) or play on his phone or talk about work. He never asks how I am. And it just feels like I’m always wrong about everything. I could say the grass is green and he’d say it looks more brown. Everything I say is wrong. I could say the sky is blue and he’d probably say it’s more grey than blue. I keep telling him and his annoying mother I think it’s carpenter ants in our kitchen, but no one believes me. I’m never right it seems. I could be 100% sure that I’m right and I still would never be right. Just once I’d like someone to tell me I was right about something.
I’ve also seen how divorce can mess kids up and I don’t want that for my kids. Do I stay unhappy and unloved? Not like I have a choice unless a large sum of money came my way and I could go back to school. Student loans won’t work, we still have too much debt and are still paying off an consolidations loan with student loans in it from the last time I went to school. There’s just no hope.
I’m just so lost and stuck.
You’ve written a lot here. I probably won’t be able to respond to it all, but I’ll try to hit the most important stuff.
First and foremost, you are not stupid! If you were smart enough to find this website and reach out for help, you’re not stupid. So, lets take that off the table right from the start.
You say you’re lost and stuck. I believe you. But, that doesn’t mean you have to stay that way forever.
Right now you don’t have a lot of confidence. I’m not surprised. It seems that your husband has been filling your head with thoughts about how bad and inadequate you are for a long time. The first step in moving you toward a better life is to start to change what’s in your head.
You are not always wrong. You are not dumb. You are not without resources. There is hope. But, changing your life will take time and effort on your part. If you are willing to work at changing your life, you absolutely can.
I suggest you start by getting a therapist. You can’t change your life until you believe that you can. I understand that you don’t have money, but many therapists are covered by health insurance. Others will work on a sliding scale. The bottom line is that you need someone to talk to and you need support. Without that, you will start out all enthusiastic about the changes you want to make in your life. Then, your husband will start telling you that you are stupid and that you’ll never change. You’ll start to believe him. Then you’ll give up and end up right back where you started from.
It’s not that any of that is true. It’s just that its hard to change when you’re living with someone who is telling you every day that you can’t.
Please understand that this is not about being dumb or being weak. You need help. There is no shame in that. A therapist can help you with your anxiety. S/he can help you with your confidence, your social skills, and so much more. So start there. Once you have built yourself up a bit, THEN you can start looking for work, and getting yourself in a better financial position. THEN you can start thinking about divorce. Taking things one step at a time will make everything so much more manageable.
Hang in there! You can do this!
Best.
Karen
PS As for the sex, with all due respect, that’s not your primary problem. What you want is love and respect. What you want is intimacy with a partner who cares about you. To get all of that, you have to start by loving and respecting yourself. You have to start by taking care of yourself. Once you start to do all of that, my guess is that your sexual feelings will return. (Whether you will want to have sex with your husband or not at that point is a different discussion. I can’t say what will happen with that. But, as I said, first things first!)
My wife of 26 years has been verbally abusive since day one. She has denied me any type of sex for 26 years even though she was a crazy person in bed when we dated. As soon as I asked her to marry me she found religion. She has never used her degree and is a stay at home mom. This would be fine except I don’t like being treated like I am the devil. I make a 6 figure income. I never drink or use drugs. I dump all my money into the house and kids. I am not verbally abusive. When we dated she was so desperate to get married. We were 23 years old and I had a half a year left in university. While driving in the Rocky Mountains she started screaming at me and said she was going to drive the car over the 10000 foot cliff if I didn’t set a date. Being young and stupid I agreed. In the last 26 years I have been so unhappy. She fights over the smallest things and uses the nuclear bomb every time. She makes me say sorry all the time. I once asked her why she never says sorry. She said she is never wrong. I once told her all the great things I like about her. I waited for her response and then asked her what she like about me. She said I can’t think of anything.
She is short and has gained weight over the years and I am 6’6 inches tall and 230 pounds. Even if she is overweight it would not matter, but it is insulting to have someone 70 overweight treating me like she is Miss America. Like I mentioned, I have to beg for intimacy. She never touches me or initiates. It is insulting. She told me once that no woman would want me because she knows the real me. The real me is a super nice guy. I don’t gamble, drink or fool around. I am in shape and I have a great professional job. No bad guy would stay 26 years for this type of abuse. I felt sorry for her and our children. Now that the children are all in college I feel I want my freedom.
I tried living 3 years ago and she went completely nuts. She threatened to kill herself that night. Told me to tell the kids go bye. Being a sucker I came back but I am totally lost right now. I hate being married to a woman who has abused me and I hate the feeling I am just a pay check.
I want to leave next week and ask for a divorce but I know she will threaten to kill herself and use guilt on me that she has no job and we can’t afford for me to move out. It pisses me off because instead of retiring when I am 60 I will have to work my ass off until 65 because she never helped out financially.
I just feel so dead inside and we did go for counselling twice and both times they told her to let me go. She said both of them are quacks.
What really gets me mad is I will have to pay her support for the rest of my life even though she is one of the smartest people I have ever met. She is so talented but every time I asked her to get a job she went completely crazy. It was better to shut up than fight. She would always say who is going to be there for the children. I said I don’t think our teenagers need mom home after school. What makes her so entitled to think she can stay home while we go into debt.
Anyway, I am just really scared because she is a crazy person and will go off the deep end next week.
I can understand why you are scared. The bigger question is how long you are going to let that fear stop you from doing what you want to do? How many more years are you going to stay in a marriage which has been making you so unhappy for so very long?
Now, if you tell your wife you want a divorce, and you move out, will she go crazy? Probably. Will she threaten suicide again? Probably. Human behavior is consistent. Her threats worked in the past, so it only makes sense that she will try them again now. The truth is, you can’t control her. But you can control yourself. You can control your reactions. So, this time, when she threatens, you can decide to cave in again, or you can decide to move forward in spite of her threats.
You said you went for counseling twice. If you don’t have a counselor yourself now, I suggest that you get one. I seriously doubt that your divorce will be easy or cheap. You will be grateful for all the support that a counselor can give you.
If your wife has been manipulating you as you say for the past 26 years, she’s not going to stop manipulating you (or trying to do so) now.
Do your best to try to prepare yourself for what’s coming. Don’t be surprised if she tries to manipulate the kids into hating you. (From your description of her behavior, I would guess that she’ll probably try to turn the kids against you in order to keep you from leaving. I hope I’m wrong. But, it’s better to be ready for the worst, even while hoping for the best.)
Getting a divorce from your wife won’t be easy. If what you said about her behavior is accurately, my guess is you will be heading into a fairly high conflict divorce. But, that doesn’t mean you should continue to stay miserable until the day you die.
You said you’re afraid she will go over the deep end. Okay. So, what if she does? I don’t mean to sound cold, but, again, you can’t control her. If she chooses to go off the deep end, that’s her issue. Will that make moving forward with a divorce harder for you? Of course it will. That’s the point. That’s why she’s doing what she’s doing.
As for having to support her for the rest of your life, I don’t mean to be cold, but, again, there’s nothing you can do about that. You chose to support her for 26 years. You may have hated doing it, but you did it. The truth is, whether you stay married or get divorced, you’re still likely to be supporting her. The only difference is whether you are married to her or not while you are doing it. Is that fair? Maybe not. But, the more important question is, what do you want to do with the rest of your life? Do you want to continue to live like you’re living? Or have you had enough?
That’s a question only you can answer.
No matter what you decide, your life won’t be easy, at least not in the short term. But, if you get a divorce, at least you have some hope for achieving happiness in the future. If you stay married, your marriage and your life will likely continue to be just as they are now. Again, I could be wrong. But, given her behavior, I suspect I’m right.
The bottom line is, it’s your life, and your choice.
I wish you the best.
Karen
I have a wife who truly loves me. We have been married 36 years with 3 grown children doing well. Our disabled child passed away. I never felt happy getting married but was in a religious community where the leader said I would be guilty if I backed out. At 66 I feel that my body and mind might not be strong enough for divorce and it seems easier to just accept my unhappiness. I have a history of depression and hospitalization mostly over my ambivalence in being married. HIT got me so depressed last year that I attempted suicide to escape my pain. I am presently in a day treatment mental health program and fear I might not be strong enough to go alone as I have been dependent in many ways. I should say that I had a great career in education that I miss.. Retirement and empty nest have not worked well – was an excellent father and feel proud of that and was a great provider.I love my wife but just am not in love. Indecision and fear of the future are killing me.
People say that getting divorced is hard. It is. But, being stuck in an unhappy marriage, too afraid to leave, yet miserable when you stay, is just as bad. It may even be worse.
Here’s the problem – no matter what you do, you’re going to lose. If you stay married, you lose the chance to find happiness and love with someone who might suit you better. Yet, if you get divorced, you will lose the wife who truly loves you. You may also lose your financial stability and the approval of your religious community. That’s not insignificant.
But even though you will lose something no matter what you decide, you will also gain something too. If you stay married, and you work on your relationship with your wife, you might be surprised by the happiness you can create for yourself. If you get divorced, you might find a new love, or at least create the life you’ve always wanted.
Yet, there’s a third option: do nothing. Interestingly, of all of your options, that is the only one that is pretty much guaranteed to bring you just misery. It is the only option where you have everything to lose, and nothing to gain.
When you are stuck in indecision, you can’t commit to working on your marriage, so you find no happiness there. At the same time, you can’t look forward to creating a new life through divorce either. As a result, you stay frustrated, unhappy and stuck.
I wish I could tell you what you should decide. But I can’t. Divorce is an intensely personal decision. Only you can decide what you want to do. But, here’s the key: You CAN decide. You have the power to get yourself out of indecision whenever you are willing to DO something, and live with the consequences, no matter what they are.
Is that scary? Sure. But, is existing in unhappiness and depression better? I don’t know. That’s the choice you have to make.
The truth is, life has no guarantees. No matter what you do, there will be consequences. But there are consequences to doing nothing, too. Not making a decision IS a decision.
Finally, I urge you to get professional help. It seems you’ve been stuck in this place for a long time. Especially given your history of depression and attempted suicide, getting a therapist to guide you through your decision-making process can help a lot.
I wish you the best.
Hello my husband and I have been married for 14 years now we have three children and my oldest daughter who is 16 who he’s been Daddy to since age one he’s wrong in our marriage and has changed a lot he has also became very spiritual and his believes and has taking away birthdays Christmas holidays constantly changing his mind about our family and our marriage is based on me submitting To him he says I feel trapped I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore I don’t want to put my children through this all they know is that they have Christian parents and mom cries every day I’m on disability and I just don’t know if I’ll be making the right decision
I can hear how conflicted you are!
It sounds like you need some guidance and support deciding whether to divorce or stay married. It’s a rough decision for everyone. But, when you have strong religious beliefs against getting divorced, that makes your decision even harder.
I encourage you to get support. If you can, start seeing a counselor. Educate yourself as much as you can about divorce. If you can, talk to an attorney so you understand what you are facing. Before making any decision, you need to know all of the pros and cons of staying married versus getting divorced.
Also, take your time. Divorce is a huge decision. If your husband will go with you to couples counseling, you might want to give that a try, too. A good marriage counselor can often help you and your husband work out your issues and save your marriage.
Finally, understand that, no matter what you decide, you still may never be 100% sure that you made the right decision. It’s normal to second guess yourself. But that doesn’t mean that you have to stay stuck until you know for sure that your decision is “right.” If you wait for total certainty, you will never move at all. You will just stay stuck. Remember, NOT making a decision IS a decision.
So do whatever you have to do to make the best decision you can. Don’t worry about being “right.” Just do your best. That’s all you can do.
Thank you for this article, it’s spot on. I’ve been married for 11 years after a relationship of 7 years, we have two small children. 16 years ago I left my home country to join him in his, we have moved many times over that period of time. Looking from the outside we have everything: a beautiful house, two healthy children, good jobs, except we’re not happy. For the last 4-5 years we are struggling, I feel that he abandoned me emotionally, I am very emotional and passionate and caring and I feel now that’s gone with him, I feel he killed it with his indifference and lack of emotional support and lack of showing affection. We have been to marriage counseling (after I insisted) but I don’t feel it helped – at some point the therapist told us he couldn’t help us any further if we were not gonna change. He suggested he would also go to therapy to try to get in touch with his emotions but he didn’t do anything. During the rough times we argued a lot, he called me names and that was for me the last drop, he apologized but I’m still so hurt for everything he did and said. Nowadays we don’t fight much, but there is a lot of distance. And sometimes he tries to get closer and it’s nice but it lasts two weeks and then goes back to nothing, it’s so confusing. A couple of years ago I fell for someone at work, he is everything I was missing and I know it sounds cliche but it just happened: we got emotionally involved and that is still going on, I know it’s “wrong” but he has been my lifeline all along, I can be myself when I’m with him, I can speak and act freely without feeling judged or that I should fulfill a certain expectation. I also had a burnout and after recovering I went back to work. A year later I was diagnosed with depression for which I’m still recovering, depression coming from being away from my family, not having a strong social network because I’ve moved so much, having a collapsing marriage and two young kids who demand so much from me. My husband doesn’t know about my emotional affair and I don’t plan to tell him. He has made some changes but I don’t think it’s enough for me (and I’m not trying to justify my emotional affair, I’m perfectly aware of the mess I’m in – please no judging comments). He still refuses to go to marriage counseling even though my depression therapist has suggested it, because he doesn’t like talking to strangers about his things. I think it’s selfish of his. I think he thinks I’m the one with the problem so once I’m “fixed” it will all go back to normal. I’ve been considering divorce for more than 3 years now, because although he’s a good guy, I’m not happy anymore. But I’m indeed afraid of making a mistake and making the wrong decision, I’m afraid for my children and the impact it will have on them, and I’m afraid of being selfish and putting “my” happiness above theirs. But I also know that by feeling so irritated by and angry towards my husband doesn’t make me a better mother to my children. I don’t know what to do and who to go to. My family is very religious so they always tell me to put everything in God’s hands and it will be ok, but I know for me that’s not enough. I don’t have a lot of friends and the one I can trust has helped me a lot by listening to me but I know in the end only I/we can make a decision, we don’t communicate about the difficult issues anymore because we always end up in a fight or I end up crying and going to bed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Oh my! Where do I start?
I can hear how much you are struggling. I can tell that you are not happy. Yet, you’re also wise enough to know that rushing into divorce could be a big mistake.
When reading your comment, the first thing that hit me is that you are in another country. I have no idea of what country you are in, or what the divorce laws in that country are like. But YOU need to know that before you make any decision about whether to leave or stay in your marriage. You need to know how the divorce process in the country you are living in works. You need to know what your rights and responsibilities are, or may be, if you get divorced. Most of all, you need to know what will likely happen to your kids.
I don’t know whether you are considering returning to your own country with the kids after your divorce. If you are, then you REALLY need legal advice before you do anything. You need to know whether moving to a different country with your kids after divorce is even possible. Of course, if you’re just planning on staying where you’re at, then that might not be an issue for you.
As for your marriage and whether you should get a divorce, all I can say is, “I don’t know.” Divorce is an intensely personal decision. The only one who can decide whether you should get a divorce is you.
If you do decide to get a divorce, will you be making a mistake? Again, I can’t say. It depends on what you define as a mistake. It also depends on who is doing the defining.
If you listen to your family, they will probably tell you that God doesn’t want you to get divorced. Are they right? I guess it depends on what kind of God you believe in. Some people say you should put everything in God’s hands and just trust in the Lord. Others say that God helps those who help themselves. Only you can decide what you believe.
What I do know is that, unless you and your husband start communicating with each other openly and honestly, and start having the difficult conversations that you are currently avoiding, the chances that you will end up divorced are pretty good. I’m not saying that you should tell your husband about your emotional affair. Again, that’s not for me to say. That’s strictly your call. (I’m a lawyer, not a judge.)
But, if you want to save your marriage, you have to let your husband know just how unhappy you really are. He has to know that you are thinking about divorce. (I know you’re probably thinking that your husband already knows you’re unhappy. Trust me when I tell you that he probably doesn’t. He might know that things aren’t perfect. But, in his mind, they might not be nearly as bad as they are in yours.) What I am saying is that in order to begin repairing your marriage, you’ve got to be willing to talk about the subjects that are tearing you apart.
But here’s a word of caution. Before you dive into that conversation, it’s important for you to know that you’re willing to get divorced. If you find out that the divorce laws in the country that you are in are terrible, and you know you can’t get divorced there, that changes everything.
I also need to warn you that being honest with your husband about possibly wanting a divorce can have unintended consequences. It might make your husband wake up and start to try to seriously work on your marriage. Or, it could make your husband start considering divorce himself. So, if you’re not serious, don’t start a conversation you may later regret.
Finally, you might want to think about what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it. You said that you think your husband is selfish for not going to marriage counseling with you. He treats you like “you” are the problem. Because of that, you have a lot of anger toward him. While your anger is understandable, it’s also not helping either you or your relationship. Your anger will not make your husband change.
The only one you can change is you. The only one your husband can change is himself. If neither one of you wants to change, then it’s not likely that your marriage will change either. Your marriage counselor was right about that.
Since you can’t change your husband, if you want to change your marriage, that means you have to change yourself. That may not seem fair, but that’s life. (Sorry!)
The good news is that you hold the keys to your own happiness. You can change if you want to. You don’t have to be stuck. But you can’t get “un-stuck” unless and until you’re willing to look deeply inside yourself, decide what you really want, and then move yourself in that direction.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi been married 40 years to a man who wanted me to be a stay at home mom which I have been , now that our kids have all left , I feel like I want to leave too , My husband has been a very controlling person over me for the past 30 years or so , it’s his way or no way he has a bad temper , it was mental abuse , I felt I couldn’t do anything right , I always had to defend myself to him , I was scared of what he would do if I didn’t do what I was told . Since I was a stay at home mom I didn’t have a job , so he was in control of the money , I just stated to pay the bills , I know how much he makes but he only gives me a little of what he gets , I don’t know what he does with the rest . I have thought many times what it would be like to be out on my own , I don’t think it would be that bad , except for the money part , like I said he controls it , I know since I was a stay at home mom for 38 years or more that I should be able to get alamony , but my husband and I have talk about it and he said he’s not giving me anything , but I have been told that a judge will have different ideas about it , My husband has worked most of his life took care of me and 9 children , yes 9 kids there all ours , I took care of them and the house and him , and now they are all out doing there own things , and I feel like I want to try something new , I have done my job , if I knew that he still loved me it might be different , He once told me that he didn’t love me any more , but that was ok cause he said that I didn’t love him either , that he doesn’t much care for me , but that since we own our home , and have kids and grandkids , that we should stay together , I was shocked to hear that , that , was the only reason we were together , he has his own life he does what he wants , while I stay home , sex we haven’t had then for the past 7 years , it’s like we’re roommates . My husband I found out has a crush on a new women friend , I asked him about it , and he said he is allowed to have friends that are women , and I said I guess , but not ones u stay out late at night with , or leave our home to go to hers to hang out at , or that u tell intamit things too , I talk to him about what we were going to do , he said we could go to a marriage counselor but he doesn’t think that will help , he says we have lost our spark , and that this new woman friend has given him back that spark , he says there just friends , that they haven’t done anything , but he can’t wait to see her ,she calls and he goes and hangs out with her , sometimes with other people , but still . I have just had it , I have gotten my self a job , doesn’t pay much , I’m trying to work on my self esteem, trying to get the nerve to stick up for my self more , but the part I’m scare about , is the money , I think if I knew for sure he would have to help support me , then I would be ok , I have family and friends who believe in me , I want so much to be happy but I also what him to be happy , and I think we need to separate or divorce , If your separate or divorced can u both live in the same house until one of u finds something elas ? Sorry about rambling on , hope u can help me , there’s so much more I can say but I’ve rambled enough Thanks
Okay. Where do I start?
It sounds like you are terribly unhappy, but you’re scared to get a divorce. I don’t blame you. Divorce is scary. Plus, since you’re not the one who handled the money in your marriage, the thought of living on your own, and having to support yourself, has got to be scary. What you need to know is that you’re not alone.
There are plenty of other women who have been in your situation. They have gotten a divorce and survived. Many have done more than that. They’ve thrived.
If you decide to divorce, you, too. will learn to stand on your own two feet. It won’t be easy. But it’s totally possible. The keys are education and preparation.
You have to learn about money. You also have to learn about your money. You need to know how much money you and your husband have, and what you owe. You need to know how much he makes, and what you both spend. If diving into your finances scares you, find a financial planner or a divorce financial planner who can help you. (To learn more, you might want to read: 8 Ways Divorce Financial Planning Can Help You Avoid Costly Mistakes.)
You also would do well to learn as much as you can about divorce. If you want to understand more about how to prepare yourself for divorce so that you can get through your divorce with the least amount of damage possible, check out some of the articles on how to prepare for divorce on my website. Or sign up for one of my webinars.
Go talk to an attorney in your area. It’s easy for your husband to say he won’t pay you alimony. Of course he’s going to say that. But, as you said, a judge may say something very different. In order to not be intimidated by your husband you need to know the facts, not just his opinion.
You said you need to build up your self-esteem. You are 100% right. There are a lot of ways to do that. One of the best is to get a good therapist or coach to help you understand how amazing and worthwhile and strong you are. (Anyone who can raise 9 kids has got to be all of those things and more!)
The bottom line is that you don’t have to be stuck in a miserable marriage if you don’t want to be. You don’t need to watch quietly as your husband has an emotional affair with another woman. You can stand up for yourself, and you can make a better life for yourself. It won’t be easy. But you can do it. Really, you can.
Karen
Karen,
I have been married for 13 years and have 4 children (my oldest from a previous relationship). My issue is that I know I’m ready for a separation and divorce, but my husband has been trying everything he can to get me to stay. I’m active duty military and he blames my enlisting for him having nothing to show for himself during our marriage, as well as the health problems that he has now. In the past 2 years he has had 2 strokes and several hernias, and everything that we own is in my name. What makes this even more difficult is that he just lost his father a few months ago and his sister is causing problems with the land that he was supposed to inherit.
We are both younger than 40, and I have a very big heart, which is both a curse and a blessing. He is a good man overall, but I’m not happy with him and haven’t been for years. My love has changed from when we first got together, and I’m not in love with him anymore. He has been trying guilt tactics to persuade me to see his side and agree to stay with him. I’ve been seeing a counselor myself and told him that we could go to counseling together, but I already know that I’m ready to move on. How do I stop feeling guilty in order to be 100% honest with him? I also feel guilt and fear that my leaving him will cause him to have another stroke, which could lead to his death. He’s already talked about just disappearing and even understanding why people contemplate suicide. I want this separation to be amicable, but dealing with him and his emotions is physically draining to me. He is constantly demanding promises or declarations that I can’t give. Please help with any advice you can give!
You’ve packed a lot in here. Let me see what I can say to help you deal with all that you are going through.
First of all, dealing with guilt can be tough, especially if you come from a family or religious background where guilt was routinely used to make you feel bad as a child. The problem with guilt is that it is an incredibly unproductive emotion. It helps no one.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems that your husband is trying to use guilt as a tool to manipulate you into doing what he wants – i.e., to stay married to him. While I don’t mean to be harsh, his actions are definitely manipulative. The problem is, his tactics are working. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated. (Again, sorry to be harsh. But his manipulations can never work unless you allow them to do so.)
Let me also say that it’s not surprising that you would hesitate to divorce your husband under these circumstances. If you think a divorce might kill him or cause him to have another stroke, it’s no wonder you’re hesitating! Anyone with a heart would feel that way. The problem is, if you give in to this sort of manipulation, you will be left feeling trapped and miserable. Chances are, at some point you will explode or act out. You will either have an affair, or leave him, or both. But waiting until then will likely be worse for both of you.
The subject of how to deal with your guilt is unfortunately too complicated to deal with in this kind of a comment. If you would like, you can check out this blog post: Are You on a Divorce Guilt Trip? The information in there will help you understand a little bit more about what you’re feeling and how to deal with your guilt.
As for counseling, it’s great that you are seeing a counselor. S/he can help you manage your guilt and move forward productively. You might want to encourage your husband to go to counseling himself, too. That would probably help him a lot.
However, if, as you say, you have already decided to divorce your husband, please do not go to marriage counseling just to be “nice” to him! Marriage counseling is the place you go to work on your marriage. It is NOT the place you go just to “let your spouse down easy,” or have a therapist tell your spouse that your marriage won’t work, just so you don’t have to be the bad guy! (Sorry!)
What you might want to check out is something called “Discernment Counseling.” It is limited scope, limited time counseling that is focused on helping you and your spouse figure out whether you should stay married or get divorced. It can also help you figure out HOW you want to get divorced – i.e. whether you want to try to divorce amicably, or whether you’re up for an all out war. If you’re interested in learning more, check out this article: Discernment Counseling – A Way to Cope when Your Head Says “Go,” But Your Heart Says “Go.”
Finally, as hard as it is, I urge you to be honest, both with your husband, and with your self. If you want a divorce, tell him the truth. Sure, that will be hard on him. But stringing him along with false hope will ultimately be worse.
You asked how you stop feeling guilty in order to be 100% honest? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you move forward in spite of your guilt. Maybe you move forward first and work on your guilt with your counselor as you go. (Just a thought!)
Can I guarantee that if you start divorce proceedings your husband won’t have another stroke, or get so emotional he tries to commit suicide? No. I wish I could give you that kind of guarantee. But, I can’t. No one can. So, the question is, do you allow yourself to be paralyzed by your guilt and fear? Or do you find a way to deal with your emotions and move forward anyway? As a military person, I suspect you know the answer to that question.
I wish you the best.
Karen
PS You mentioned that you have kids. Make sure that, whatever you do, you also provide support for them, and help them through this difficult time, too.
I am lonely in my marriage . I hate his adult son that moved In with us when his mother didn’t wanna deal with him physically abusing her husband. He is in trouble with the courts. Takes advantage of us ,me. My husband diesnit defend me. I am an outcast in my own house. I spend the majority of my time at home I my own bedroom. As my husband and I no longer share a room. When my husband and I got together he had no job, no car, or his kids. I have pushed him to the msn he is today and he now has a chip. It is all his. Although I have always kept a job a house and raised my kids to be good kids. I hate coming home. There is no intimacy, we fight daily .. I am physically and emotionally sick. I can leave and stay with my daughter and her family . I don’t really want to but thud is my only now choice. He refuses to sell or buy me out and just let me leave. I don’t understand why? We are both miserable ! His kids never come out of their rooms. Especially when I’m anywhere near. It feels strange to me. I am unhappy .. he keeps blaming hormones and me being crazy. I’m not crazy. I deserve at least half the equity in the house which would allow me to buy my own home . He says we’ll go to court and make sure I get nothing. If I leave one day while he is at work will I be walking away from the house and the equity?
Oh my! I can hear how unhappy you are! Having to walk on eggshells in your own house, and feeling like you are an outcast, has got to be horrible!
Your question, whether you will be walking away from the house and the equity if you leave, is a legal one. Unfortunately, I can’t answer that kind of question on a website.
Divorce law is state-specific. The answer to your question depends upon the law of your state, and all of the facts and circumstances of your case.
I urge you to get advice from a good divorce lawyer in your area. The more you know about divorce, and how it works, the better off you are going to be.
Remember, knowledge is power. Once you know what you are facing, you will be better prepared to deal with it.
Best.
Karen
Hi there
I am 24, married with 2 kids. I have been married for 6 years now and known my spouse for 9 years. I was so “in-love” back then as I was so young and naive. I got pregnant and decided to get married at 18. Since we were in relationship, it has always been an abusive one. In terms of physically, emotionally and mentally. Up till today, the marriage is really toxic. I have sacrificed my family, friends and youth (enjoyment, freedom) just because of my love for him. Over the years, he has cheated on me a number of times. Even when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I stayed but felt miserable. I have asked for divorce a number of times before but he will never let me go. Ever since I worked in this new company (1 year now) I have grown to be independent & confident about myself. All these years he’s made me think that no one else would be interested in me, made me feel like I’m so ugly, I wouldn’t survive without him. And every time he did something bad, I eventually forgave him because he’s so good with words. He’s really good at manipulating me to make me feel that I’m at fault despite doing the mistake. And he’s recently been gas lighting me to my parents. Making them against my decision to finally get a divorce. Yes, I finally decided I need to end this misery. Only now, he wants to change. He has tried. I tried too. To give him (yet) another chance, but I couldn’t lie to myself or him. I felt guilty for the fact that I can’t stay faithful and sincere anymore. They blame the company that I’m working at for my “sudden” changes. It’s super frustrating when it’s really their assumption. But I am changed because I decided to. After years of tolerating, I finally could think wiser now. But they made me think that I’m immature for such decision. And for a year now, since I last caught him cheating (again) I met someone and we are actually falling for each other. I expect to be with him if I get divorced. But I am happy that there’s someone who is really sincere in being so nice and loving to me. He’s definitely not lusting me. As we haven’t had sex before. We have had a few moments and they were really very romantic. Also, my current company is all about drinking. So my family, being traditional and religious, despise the idea of it. I have been drinking since young. Occasional clubbing and drinking sessions with my spouse. But never really had good times with friends as I’m not allowed to socialize. So I have attended a few drinking events after work which got me into so much trouble, when I just needed a timeout after so much effort at home (kids, house work, husband). I NEVER abandon my responsibilities. I don’t even own a Facebook account because he doesn’t allow it. So basically he controls every aspect of my life and I want to break free. His actions towards me are really cruel and mean even though its because I am doing things against him. I hate to leave because that would mean destroying my kids’ happiness (according to everyone) but I hate the fact that I am staying in my marriage, miserable, unfaithful and wishing that I am divorced every single day. Its hard because my dad believes I want to leave my marriage for freedom and to turn wild and slutty, but that is honestly not the case. I know he wants to change and can change but I don’t have the heart to love him anymore. I really honestly don’t. I love my kids more than anything. I’ve put up with so much. I’ve been in a cage for years, even since under my parents control. So partially, obviously a part of me wants some enjoyment in life that I am deprived of. I haven’t lived my youth like any other normal youths. With so much fun and laughter, with actual friends. But instead, I settled with him and committed my years to him up till now. And he never treated me well. The resentment has built up and finally I wish to break free. And we tried to compromise, negotiating for him to allow me to participate in occasional events with friends and colleagues. I told him, it’s only fair he gives me this allowance after I have tolerated him the past years as he has prioritized his friends so much and I never got to say or do anything about it.
There’s just so much that I could bring up but I’m afraid its too lengthy to read. However, I have filed for divorce and waiting for follow up procedures. At the same time, my dad is forcing me to stay but that’s only because he ill treats my mum as well. (Thus condoning my husband’s behavior) My mum admits to me that she doesn’t love him anymore and only staying for the kids (5 kids) and because he has no one else left to take care of him.
I don’t want to live in her shoes and suffer the years. I want to make a change. Break the curse. But they view divorce as something majorly tragic, like tarnishing family image and such.
I appreciate your time in reading this and look forward to some great advice! Thank you! <3
Wow! That’s a lot! It sounds like you are really unhappy and want out of your marriage. It’s sad that your family won’t support you. But given what you’ve written about your parents’ marriage, that’s not surprising.
Going through a divorce is really hard. It’s even harder when you feel like you have to go through it alone.
Since you can’t rely on your family to help you through your divorce, you might want to try to form your own support group. There are actually many divorce support groups across the country. Most of the time, they aren’t really expensive. Look for a divorce support group in your area. They can be a godsend in times like this, especially when you have no one else you can lean on.
You might also want to seek out friends you can rely on at this time, too. There will be many times when you need a trusted friend to talk with when you are having a particularly rough day. You also may want to talk with a therapist to help you deal with the emotional side of your divorce.
If your family is not supportive, then don’t rely on them for advice or support. Don’t confide in them unless you know that they are truly on your side and will help you. Be careful and smart about what you say and do.
Finally, I know that you want to break free and enjoy your life, but don’t forget about your kids. Do your best to put them first as much as you can. Divorce doesn’t have to ruin their life, but if you and your spouse fight your way through your divorce and make it ugly, your behavior will definitely affect your kids. Try to take the high road and keep your kids out of the middle of your divorce.
You are facing a rough time for awhile. Unfortunately, nothing I say can change that. But, you will get through this.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi Karen,
I’d like to thank your for this article and taking time to reply to everyone. These are some of the most solid pieces of advice I have read in a long time. I guess after reading all this I already know the answer to my question, but it helps hearing it from someone else.
I have been with my husband for 15 years, (married for 9, dating for 6), we have 2 young children ages 3 and 5. I met him when I was 18 and he was 24. We just moved from another country and I was eager to start making connections and friends. I guess I was drawn to him because I was lonely. There wasn’t an instant attraction but I slowly fell for him because he was kind, light-hearted and very social. We (my parents) we’re having a difficult time establishing life in this country and he helped us out tremendously in every possible way he can, and at that time I knew he was marriage material. Granted I was only 18 and never had a serious relationship before him. We never had the deep mental connection that I have always wanted but we have such a great time together that I figured things might change once we got married. We talked about marriage and he always expressed that he already knew from day 1 that I was the “one”, but for me it just felt like the next logical step and that I wasn’t going to find someone better than him. Even during the wedding day I was having second thoughts but buried my feelings.
Fast forward to being married a few years and now having kids, I become the breadwinner and move up the corporate ladder. He remains doing the same dead end job he hates. I have encouraged him time and time again to go back to school and better himself but he always had an excuse. From the beginning of our marriage his brother has lived with us and completely leached off us (didn’t pay rent/food/etc) and my husband never saw that as an issue and would not stand up for me to his family as he is non-confrontational. I handled all the finances, and family issues, and basically kept him comfortable by giving in to all his wishes to compensate for my lack of feelings. I never felt truly at home having brother there and this has caused me to resent him a lot. His brother is a complete drag and a manipulative liar. I truly believe he took the best first years of our marriage, those I can never take back.
My husband became complacent and after a long time of complaining and not being heard I just stopped. Our focus turned to the kids. We are barely intimate. We develop separate hobbies. But on paper we look great together. To make things worse I started having an affair with an older man. He made me feel secure, and safe. We had the connection I was always looking for. It was such an opposite from my marriage. My husband found out about the affair and I was forced to confront him with my feelings. This is the first blow out we’ve had since getting married. We barely argued. And that always concerned me. The affair has since ended but it made me realize I need to start putting me first. I have always put him first in everything that I buried a lot of my feelings. The affair was just the catalyst that forced me to really realize how truly unhappy I have been all these years. I know deep in my heart I got married young with no real idea what I was getting into. That at that time I had no idea what I wanted. I have asked for space and when I am alone I am finding that I am enjoying those moments. I am enjoying learning more about myself. And this scares me. I feel so bad that after what I have put him through with the infidelity, I now am thinking of separating. I feel scared of the consequences because I also have kids to think about. Like all others here, I know I can stay married and grin and bear it, but I know I won’t be truly happy. I am scared of the changes, and the backlash from family and friends. I love him, but I am not in love with him. He still truly cares and loves me, and that’s what’s making this decision so difficult. Part of me is more than ready to go and change, but other part of me worries about my kids, about starting over, and the other consequences involved with unraveling our marriage. I’ve been stuck in indecision for months and its making me depressed and anxious.
I am sorry this is all over the place. There is no way to summarize this without going into some detail. Any advise you can give will help. I’ve been thinking of going to therapy, but too afraid to hear myself say the truth. Thanks for your time.
Your last comment said it all, “I’ve been thinking of going to therapy, but too afraid to hear myself say the truth.” Clearly, you know the truth already.
The anxiety and depression you are feeling stem from your own dishonesty to yourself. Your body doesn’t lie. It can’t. So the question is: what are you going to do about it?
Can you stay married and grin and bear it? Sure. But, if you do, your anxiety and depression aren’t going to magically disappear. They will likely get worse. What’s more, the longer you ignore them, and ignore your truth, the more likely you are to start to get physically sick as well. (Sorry!) Plus, you’ve already had one affair. If you continue on in the relationship as it is, do you really think you’ll make it until you die without having another?
I strongly suggest you go to therapy, deal with your feelings, and start being honest with yourself. If there is any chance that you and your husband can put things back together, go to marriage counseling. On the other hand, if you know that you’re done, then don’t string him along. Pulling off the band-aid quickly hurts intensely, but when it’s over you can both start to heal. Peeling it off a little bit at a time hurts less, but it hurts longer. By the time the whole band-aid is off, the wound underneath is often infected and oozing. That’s not what you want in your life, nor is it what you probably want for your husband.
As for your kids, of course you are worried about them. Every good divorcing parent is worried about their kids. But, let me ask you: what do you want to teach your children about life? about love? about marriage? After you answer those questions, ask yourself one more: “By my behavior, what am I teaching the children now?” If what you want to teach your children is different than what you are teaching them by how you act (NOT by what you say!), you’ve got a problem.
Divorce is always hard on kids. But, it doesn’t get easier as your kids grow older. Even adult children of divorcing parents often have issues with their parent’s divorce. Staying married for the kids is a noble concept in theory. The problem is, in practice, it often does way more harm than good.
I wish you the best!
Karen
hi, I am joan.
I have been married thirteen years and some months. I and my husband have been through a lot and finally when we are starting to see some real progress, he starts cheating all over the place. I have been afraid of a divorce,but I am beginning to think that is my only way out of this hell I am living. he is growing bolder as the days go by and I just feel so depressed because all my life all I wanted was happiness. I have gradually lost all desire to work and even make progress in anything worth doing. The only thing keeping me going are my kids.i know breaking/divorcing will break both of us, but right now he has all this new friends in his life who seem to be advicing him and directing him.I feel sorry and angry at him all at the same time, for I know he is being fooled by people who think he is well off and at the end of the day he will be left by himself once I am gone.I cant keep on pretending all is good, I feel like god will really speak in my life once I have moved on from him, I feel his cheating over the years has held a lot of things away from us.
please I need your advice, what should I do? stay and hope he changes, or divorce him?
Hi Joan,
I wish I could tell you whether you should stay or go, but I can’t. For better or for worse, that is solely your decision.
What I can say is that you certainly don’t sound happy. You mentioned that your husband has been cheating on you for years. So, why do you stay? What kind of marriage do you want? What kind of marriage do you have? How much do you value and respect yourself?
You said you are depressed. I’m not surprised. You’ve been unhappy for a long time. The good news is that you hold the keys to your happiness in your own hands. You have the power to change your life. But, to do that you have to decide what you want and commit to moving forward. The longer you stay stuck, the longer you will stay unhappy.
I’m not saying that divorce will make you happy. Going through a divorce is difficult for everyone. You will probably be miserable for awhile. (Sorry!) But at least your misery will be time limited. Hopefully, once you are divorced, you can move on to create a better life.
I wish you the best.
Karen
What makes me sad, in all of the blogs and posts I have read on this topic, is the number of men that are not living their vows, and being half of the relationship equation. I am finally beginning to accept that I can’t keep chasing him, while he says he will do more, but then doesn’t. Our last fight, I realized I have been giving 70%, and he is mad that I won’t give 15% more to meet him in the middle. He doesn’t see it, at all, and I am tired of trying to let him figure it out. He most recently cost us $110 more a month because he didn’t take care of the health insurance during open enrollment. He said he would, I backed off because he said he had it, and now we are paying for it because he can’t figure out how to grow up and take care of anything. I can’t parent him, and be his wife.
What makes me even more sad is the number of blog posts on this topic, where the wife is meant to support and help him figure out how to be a man- NO- it is not my job to do everything!
I am so tired, but I am glad to finally be accepting this is the way it is going to be. I know I am going to have to manage the whole divorce too, because he can’t do anything, but I just want to be on the other side it so i can get my life to how I want it to be. It is so hard to be this empty and burned out to have to get a divorce, only to have to get it together for the actual divorce.
It sounds like you’re exhausted because you are doing far too much. I wish I could tell you that getting divorced will be different, but the truth is, it probably won’t be different at all. You will be divorcing the same person you married. You will likely do more of the work while you are going through your divorce as well.
The good news (if there is good news) is that once your divorce is over, you will only have to take care of yourself. So there is an end in sight.
Hang in there!
Karen
Hi Karen,
I am married for almost 5 years. I am 32 and he 35. He is the only in all my life that respect me, loves me and wants build up family with me. Before this the guys only played with me nothing serious. We have different nationality and our English is not that much good to have deep conversation. He is crazy for me but I don’t fell anything more I feel love but is not a love of men and women is kind of love of brothers and friends. I respect him I am take care, cooking, washing up but I can’t bare his voice, his humor, his ideas I cant bare. Now he is planing to buy a house for next year and he asked all the time when I am going to have a baby. To be honest I want to die if I think that I will have family with him I will be fat and more unhappy our communication is not good, he dosent know nothing about my work field and we have only one common interest. How can I am going to have a baby with a person that I dont feel attraction, interested and passion ? When I felt passion for another guys in the past they always put me down whereas my husband i don’t love him but he put me always up because he wants to see the mother of his children’s happy. Can I stay with him only because he loves me and I will never have another one that loves me like him? Does married is like this ? All this things that we see in films is not true about forever love and happiness? How can I build up my confidence to find the type of guy that I want? Does this guy exist ? If I divorce and never meet this person that I dream?
Thank you very much,
Oh my! Where do I start!
First of all, I applaud you for not having a child with someone you don’t love and probably won’t stay married to. So many people have babies because they want them, but they don’t stop to think of what kind of a marriage that baby will be born into. Or, they think that having a baby will fix their marriage. It won’t. Having a baby will only make staying together even harder.
So, kudos to you for not having a baby with someone you want to leave.
Next, I have a few questions for you. You say that no one will ever love you like your husband. How do you know? You said that men before were never serious with you. Why does that mean that no man besides your husband will ever be serious with you? Why is it that you think that your future can’t be different from your past? Why do you believe that you should stay married to a person you can’t stand, and you don’t love, just because that person says he loves you? What do you think you’re worth?
With all due respect, it sounds like your real problem isn’t just your husband, it’s your own self-confidence!
Building self-confidence takes time and work. It is 100% worth the effort, but you have to put the effort in. I strongly suggest you start seeing a good therapist or a coach. S/he can help you understand your feelings and build your self-confidence.
Another thing you might want to explore are your own values. Right now you have the security of having a husband who loves you. Yet, you seem to have nothing in common with him, and can barely stand to be married to him. So, what’s more important to you: security or love?
Finally, you might want to consider being honest, both with yourself and your husband. It doesn’t sound like he has any idea how you are feeling. Obviously, if he knew, things might change a lot in your marriage. Maybe that change would be for the better. Or, maybe it would be for the worse. But, at least you would be being honest. In the end, that’s the only way to build a solid relationship.
I wish you the best.
Karen
PS I know I’m a divorce lawyer, but I also deeply believe in true love. Is true love like what you see in the movies? No, not exactly. But does true love exist? I believe that it does. I believe that you can have a deep, loving and wonderful marriage. I am blessed myself to have an amazing marriage. It is everything I ever wanted and more. Is it perfect? Of course not. Nothing in this world is perfect. But, it’s still pretty awesome most of the time.
Don’t give up on true love, and don’t give up on yourself.
Hi there ,
Married to a man who is amazing husband and daddy . I was nearing 30 and didn’t want to be alone . Is that awful ? We now have a two year old . I always knew I wasn’t in love but didn’t want to be alone . Now after 7 years it’s all catching up. I just don’t enjoy his company . After a couple of years we went for marriage counselling which did help , but all same issues returned e.g. Lack of desire etc. We are going back to counselling but I feel hopeless . I do suffer from depression but I think this time it is lots to do with the marriage .
Any advice appreciated . I’m so low and unsure what to do.
Sarah
You’re not alone. I’ve heard from many people who’ve done the same thing. But, that doesn’t make where you’re at now any easier.
First off, you have to decide what you want. From what you’ve said, my guess is you’re in your early 30s now. You have a lot of life left to live. How do you want to live it? What do you want your future to look like? What will it look like if nothing changes?
The way I see it, you’ve got three choices: 1) Commit yourself to making your marriage better and decide to be happy with that; 2) be honest with yourself and your spouse about your unhappiness, end your marriage and do the thing that terrifies you – ie be alone; or 3) don’t do anything and continue to feel stuck and torn about your life and your future.
Which one should you choose? That’s up to you. But, as scary as #2 is, and as much as you don’t think #1 will work, your worst option may actually be #3. Staying in indecision keeps you spinning in circles and going nowhere. Until you commit to do SOMETHING (whether that is to work on your marriage or leave it) nothing is likely to change.
It’s like the old saying: “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to keep getting what you always got.”
At the same time, you’re facing a huge decision. I’m not surprised that you’re unsure what to do. If you don’t have a therapist, now would be a good time to get one. A good therapist can help you understand your thoughts and feelings so that you can make the decision that’s right for you.
Best.
Karen
Hi Karen,
This is long.
I’ve been married for two years to my husband (together 6 years). No children. I’ve thought about divorce over the past year and more recently have been thinking about it more seriously. My husband has become increasingly verbally/emotionally abusive over the course of our marriage and I don’t feel like I have a supportive partner in my life. My husband and I don’t do much together because he doesn’t really like to do things no matter what I suggest. Prior to marriage, my husband acted like he did like to do things and was actually a civil person when we disagreed. Now, he is very content sleeping in until noon every weekend and not experiencing new things. I on the other hand love to do things and travel. He sees my interests as frivolous. Everything in our life is either his way or if I go against him leads to an argument where he belittles/degrades me. Everything is held over my head including our engagement, my engagement ring, our wedding cost, etc. A little back story: My husband would bring up getting engaged 2 years prior to him proposing. There were times I would get very upset that I wasn’t engaged because I felt like I was being lead on. Eventually my husband did propose and while I was able to enjoy being engaged for a little while it was soon used against me in arguments. Do I regret getting upset about not being engaged? Yes. I have expressed to him how special events like being engaged, our wedding, etc. have been turned into something negative because to this day (3 years later) he still uses them as ammunition in arguments. I’m left feeling overall very negative about my life with him. My husband has been pressuring me to start a family with him which given his anger issues and the negativity I feel in the marriage…I have been hesitant to do. My husband now tells me, “If I really wanted to I could act like how you acted before we were engaged and be really angry and immature because I’m not getting my way”. So despite me expressing several times how much it hurts to have those events verbally ruined he continues to do so and feels justified doing so.
He has days where he is nice to me but overall I feel as though the relationship has been verbally ruined by him at this point and I just can’t move on. Anything can set him off and I never know when I can approach him to talk about issues/concerns because if it goes against his opinion I am bullied, yelled at, degraded. My husband has actually put a blanket over his head several times when I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel almost visually shutting me out? (I know it sounds strange). I feel like I deserve better. We tried couples counseling in June and we both did not like the counselor. I tried to get him to go to a different therapist and my husband refused to go telling me that he would not attend counseling until I saw my own therapist for my own issues-essentailly implying that I’m to blame or that I’m not OK. When I asked him to see his own therapist he refused stating that he doesn’t feel that he needs help.
Fast forward to now: I’ve been seeing my own therapist for a month who specializes in emotional abuse/divorce/etc. I have also met with a divorce mediator to understand my options regarding the divorce process. My husband recently became aware of how unhappy I am with our marriage. He basically called my perceived indecisiveness “a waste of his time and money” since we are not starting a family right now and I have halted renovating our house. He told me that he will go “a few times” with me to therapy if necessary. I want to let go of this marriage but I feel stuck. I feel guilty. Someone asked me if I felt as though I had tried my hardest to save my marriage. The truth is I just don’t know if I have anything left to give. I desperately want to be happy and live my life. I hate the roller coaster I’ve been on and I feel as though myself and the relationship has been disrespected so many times that I cannot change how I feel. Need advice.
I know you asked for advice. But, with all due respect, I think you already know what I’m going to say, and what you want to do.
You’ve written a lot. What’s interesting is not what you’ve written, but what you haven’t written. You haven’t said that you’re happy, that you were ever happy, that you’re in love, or that you think your marriage can ever work. That’s probably part of the reason why you feel stuck and guilty. You think you’re “supposed” to want all of those things in your marriage, but you don’t. I’m not surprised.
It doesn’t sound like your husband is treating you well. It also seems like you are both very different. So, my question to you is: what do you want? Is this the kind of marriage you want? If it’s not (and clearly it’s not!) then can you fix it? If not, then why are you staying?
The truth is, people stay married for a lot of reasons. What’s important is that you figure out what YOUR reason is, and then test it. Ask yourself: Is it true? Is it true that X (X is whatever your biggest fear is) will happen if you get divorced? And, what if it does? What happens then? Will I die? Will anyone I love die? If not, what am I so worried about?
So often, when we test our fears, and bring them out into the light of day, we find that they’re not nearly as scary or horrible as we thought. Or, we find out that they are scary and horrible, but staying stuck is even more scary and horrible. That’s when we find the strength inside to move forward.
Here’s the deal: not making a decision IS a decision. In many ways, it’s even worse than making a conscious decision because, as long as you’re locked in indecision, you keep circling in a world of “What if” in your head. “What if no one talks to me because I’m divorced? What if I never find anyone to love me again? What if … you get the idea.)
I really don’t mean to be hard on you. I can hear how you’re suffering. But, I think you already know the answers you are looking for.
Karen
PS If you think getting a divorce now will be hard, how much harder will it be after you have kids? Just a thought.
Thanks Karen. I guess I feel stuck because of guilt and fear. I’m 31 years old and want to have a family and a loving, supportive husband. When I was dating my husband I never could have predicted that this is how it would be because our beginning was not like how we are now so I struggle with that everyday.
I can totally relate. If only we all had a crystal ball, right?
31 isn’t exactly over the hill. You still have time. Do your best to start dealing with the guilt and fear. When you do, everything else will become clearer.
Karen
Hi Karen,
I need some advice. I am thinking and I have been discussing with my husband about getting a divorce. He agreed, although he says he never wanted this – his behaviour proves otherwise. We met when I was 21 and he was 20, been together for 13 years and married for 3. Not that it was all plain sailing until then, but after we got married, his whole mood changed. He started drinking and going through phases where he would take drugs. He says he is bored. He did these things before, only I was hoping he will change, as he has changed a lot and I thought those were just crazy days when we are young and all this will pass. I changed a lot and matured, hoping that we will mature together and start a family. Because of his addiction issues, I cannot trust him (he lies to me about his whereabouts) and I am always doubting he will be there for me when I will have a child, as I feel he is unreliable. He is great with children and all my family and friends say this. He is a Jekyll and Hyde character. When he doesn’t drink, he is lovely and I adore him, we talk about everything and make plans for the future. He is my best friend. As soon as he has one drink (one drink can make his behaviour change – he becomes unreliable, he lies to me, he is completely different), although he doesn’t do anything like being abusive or hurts me, he hurts me by just doing it. I asked him to stop and last year we went on a break for 2 weeks. Again, the break was my idea. After the break I pleaded with him to come back to me and we decided to give it another go and even moved house for a fresh start. He came back. Immediately after I regretted it, as I saw that, slowly, his old ways were creeping in. I can imagine my life without him, although do I really want to leave him behind? I am not sure. Recently, he told me that his own business is going to close down. At this point in time, I am not sure how he will be able to provide for us. I have a very good job and I never expected my husband not to be on the same level as me. I married a guy who had a good job and I had all these plans in my head about how our future will look like. I want to be there for him, but he makes the worst decisions! Like getting drunk and coming home late. When I ask him where he’s been, he lies or tells me it’s none of my business! I know…bad. But it’s the drink talking and not him. Now, he tells me he will work from home starting January…like that is supposed to make me feel more secure about the future! So, now, not only do I have to deal with his addiction (he started again after he found out about the business), I also have to deal with the insecurity of not knowing how we will be able to provide for ourselves. I want a family and I feel that, me waiting for him to sort his life out all the time, means I am losing precious time, when I could be there finding someone who is reliable enough to have a family with. I am also thinking that my time is running out…Being a woman is not easy.
Sorry, forgot to add. I am depressed, I suffer from anxiety and cannot sleep. I often cannot sleep for days on end, even though I am exhausted! It drives me crazy. I feel like my health is deteriorating because of the stress. I cannot lose my job. I need stability to feel happy. Not sure whether he can provide me with the things I need.
Please excuse me for starting so abruptly, but I think that, under the circumstances, you may need to hear this. Do NOT have a baby with this man! At least, do not have a baby with him until he is clean and sober AND has been clean and sober for at least a year! (Sorry! But, breaking a drug and alcohol habit is really hard. It often takes people multiple tries to do it. So, thinking your husband is “okay” after he hasn’t had a drink for a few weeks, or even a few months, is just deluding yourself.)
I can hear how much you want to have kids. I also know that you also hear your biological clock ticking. But, ask yourself, do you really want to bring a child into this marriage the way that it is? Do you trust your husband to take care of the baby when you’re at work, or away? If he’s “working from home,” he’ll have access to the baby all the time. Have you thought about that?
What you’re dealing with is hard, really hard. You married your husband thinking he would change. He didn’t. You did. Now you’re dealing with the aftermath. But at least you’re dealing with it as an adult. Dealing with it as an adult with a child will be so much worse. Plus, think about your child. Coming from a broken home with a father who is likely addicted to drugs and alcohol will be REALLY hard on your kid!
I strongly suggest that you get yourself into therapy. I also suggest that you check out Al-Anon. It’s a support organization for people who love people with addiction problems. I think what you can learn from them will help you a lot.
I’m sorry that you’re having to go through all of this. What you’re facing is not going to be easy. (Sorry!) But, it’s not going to get easier in time. It will get harder.
If your husband is willing to admit he has a problem, and get help, then you might want to think about staying. But, if you want to have a child, that means that you’re probably going to have to wait. Years. (Again, sorry!)
I wish I had better news for you. But, I don’t want to lie to you, or tell you things that aren’t true just to make you feel better. What I will tell you is that going through all of this will make you stronger. (Yeah, I know. No one really wants to hear that! But, it’s true!) If and when you do have a child (and you still have time no matter how loudly you think your clock is ticking!) you will be an even better mom!
Good luck.
Karen
Thank you, Karen. I guess you just confirmed what I knew all along, but too scared to admit it to myself. We have our first therapy session on Monday – well, I do anyway – and he agreed to come along after. I hope we manage to pass this, although of course, you are perfectly right to say that nothing will improve until he quits drinking and his drug habit. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.
My pleasure!
I come from a traditional Indian family and society where divorce is frowned upon, I do not live in India. My husband has constantly emotionally and on two occasions physically abused me. I kept from my anyone knowing for 2 years until my eldest son was born and i was going through severe post partum depression and i really needed to talk to someone and finally opened up to my mother, who was really shocked as to them, their daughter is an independent successful working woman who has her life in her control, which made it harder for me to open up as I did not want to disappoint my family.
It has been 5 years now, and nothing has changed. My husband now works in another country and only visits occasionally. He has not supported my and my two sons emotionally, physically or economically the past 8 months. I have a stable job and my parents are my pillar of strength. Even-though my husband is not here with me now, I am still in an emotionally abusive relationship as he still calls up to check where I am and who I am with and he has always been blaming me for driving him away and cannot be with his sons, but he was the one who made the decision to take up a job in another country. My husband is an Indian from India while I am of indian heritage born and brought up outside of India. After marriage we settled in my country(he left India for good) To him I do not meet his standards of a traditional indian wife and I have tried all I could to be the kind of woman he wants me to be. But, after 6 years of constant struggling, I have reached a point where I dont think I will ever be good enough for him. He is taking me and the children for granted as he thinks we will be here always no matter how irresponsibly he behaves. (it’s my fault for letting him take me for granted for the past 6 years)
I am tired of defending myself to him and begging him for understanding. He thinks he has the upper-hand as no matter how badly he has spoken or treated me, I have always forgiven him. I am ashamed to admit it, but I am really scared of facing the world as a divorced single mother. We are a close knit extended family and I know I will be disappointing many of my family members if I get a divorce. The only solution that comes to my mind is to gather my sons and go away to a new place, get a divorce where nobody would know me and start fresh from there. But I love my well paying job and my parents look after my sons while I work, I owe my children the comfort and security their grandparents give them. I am in constant doubt of what I will tell my 5 year old and 3 year old when they ask about their father if i get a divorce. At the same time, I need to stand up for myself and not allow me and my kids to be just be objects that are available for him whenever he needs us. I know what needs to be done, but I feel powerless.
My heart goes out to you. On top of all the regular difficulty that goes with any divorce, you’ve got cultural issues piled on top of them. That makes things so much harder! But, it doesn’t make them impossible. Not by a long shot. (Although I know it can feel that way!)
Because of your cultural situation, the first thing you’re going to need to do is to put together a strong support team. Your parents may not like the idea of you getting divorced, but if you can count on them to be by your side as you go through this process, that will help you immensely! Once you’re ready, you may also want to confide in a small group of friends or other family members who you think might be supportive. (Hopefully, you have people like that. If not, then you deal with what you’ve got.)
Either way, you’re also going to need a good therapist, too. (Actually, get a therapist now! You’re going to need support.) If you could find a therapist who understands your culture and can help you deal with the social ostracism that is probably going to come your way because of the divorce, that would be even better. Just be careful not to confide in someone who is so aligned with your culture that they start judging you and making you feel bad about your divorce. That’s the last thing you need right now!
As for your comment about moving to a new place, that would pretty much be the worst thing you could do.
First of all, you can’t run away from your problems. Starting somewhere new isn’t going to change anything in a positive way. It won’t stop those who disapprove of you from disapproving of you. What it will do is put you farther away from the friends and family members (like your parents) who would be there to help and support you. Also, even though your husband travels a lot, taking the kids and moving away could be construed against you from a legal perspective. You’ll have to check with a lawyer in your area about that. But, the bottom line is that, for a ton of reasons, running away is a bad idea. It’s better to stay and face your fears. Yes, that’s scary. But you can do it!
Finally, I can understand your fear of facing the world as a divorced single mom. But, with your husband working outside of the country, isn’t that pretty much what you’re doing now? Yes, you have the title of being married. You also have the benefit and security of having your husband’s income to rely on as well. But you sound like a very smart woman. You have a well paying job. My guess is that you will be able to support yourself after your divorce. Hopefully, your husband will contribute to support the kids. You’ll make it.
As for what everyone else thinks, who’s life are you living? Yours or theirs?
The life you’ve described here seems to be a life full of meeting everyone else’s expectations. You’ve been trying to “be” what you think everyone else wants you to be. But what about you? What do YOU want to be? Who are YOU?
The one thing I didn’t hear you say is that you’ve been happy. You haven’t ever felt like you were “enough.” You are. You are fine exactly as you are. Once you start believing that, even just a little bit, you will start reclaiming your power.
Good luck!
Karen
PS What do you tell your kids about divorce? You tell them that mommy and daddy both love them, but that mommy and daddy can’t live together any more. If you need more ideas, there are some really good books you can check out. Try “Dinosaurs Divorce,” and “Mom’s House, Dad’s House.”. They’re both really good.
I have been married for over 18 years. I am 41 and my husband is 64. I truly believed that I had moved on and was in in love with him for several years (and two daughters later 17 & 14). We have grown apart. We went to counseling about 5 years ago and I tried to rekindle the emotions that I once felt for him. We are in different phases of life now with him being retired and me finally making progress in my career. He is a good husband and father, but we are just so different now. Every time that I have sex with him, I cry. Everything that he says and does irritates me. I feel dead inside, but the minute that I am away from him, I am completely relaxed and able to have fun. I want out, but I feel terrible for what it would do to him and our daughters. At the same time, I feel that I am robbing him of a life that he could have with someone that truly loves him.
I can understand how you feel. Large age differences that weren’t much of an issue when you were younger, often become an issue as the years go by.
I would suggest that you go to marriage counseling, but it sounds like you’ve tried that already. You could try again, perhaps with a different counselor, but I’m not sure that’s what you want. It sounds like you’ve already decided that you want a divorce. Your hesitation seems to be that it would hurt him and your daughters. The truth is: it will. (Sorry!)
I don’t mean to be hard on you, but breaking up an 18 year marriage is going to hurt everyone involved. There’s just no way around that. At the same time, just because getting divorced is painful, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it if you feel it is truly the right thing to do.
If you stay married out of a sense of obligation, eventually you will start to resent your husband and your life. You will start spending more time at work and with your friends than you do at home. You will be tempted to find happiness outside of your marriage with someone else. (I’m not saying you will act on that temptation, but, if you stay married and miserable chances are those thoughts will eventually cross your mind!)
So, no matter what else you do, you are going to want to take a good, hard look at your situation and be honest with yourself – really honest. Ask yourself what you want. (You already know the answer to that question inside of yourself.) If the answer is “I want a divorce” then tell your husband that. Have a real, authentic and honest conversation with your husband. Tell him how you feel and what is on the line. If you’ve already decided you want a divorce and there’s no turning back – tell him that! Don’t beat around the bush or pretend there’s hope just to “soften the blow.” If there’s no hope, tell him there’s no hope.
On the other hand, if there is hope that your marriage can be saved, tell him that, too! But, whatever you do, be honest and be real.
Remember, too, that there are two of you in this marriage. Speak your mind, but also listen to what your husband has to say as well — even if you’d rather not hear it!
Once everyone starts really telling the truth, you would be amazed at the kind of conversation you can have! While one truly honest conversation won’t necessarily change what’s going on in your marriage, or change your decision to divorce, it can help you and your spouse start to understand each other better. That conversation may not save your marriage, but it can put you on the path to a much less painful divorce.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi Karen,
I’ve been married for 24 years. It was good in the beginning. We have 3 children, 22, 19 and 15. Kids are good and smart kids. The two older ones go to the local college and the youngest is a good student in high school. But the marriage has deteriorated over the years. To keep it as short as possible over the first roughly 18 years of marriage my wife at different times over that period made bad financial decisions that she didn’t involve me in and it has affected both of us financially. We have struggled all that time to now. She willfully hid it from me and was very deceitful about it. She always used the explanation that she was afraid I would get upset. Which I would because I would find out about it anyways. And I was the one that had to face the humiliation and embarrassment when dealing with the creditors. I always tried to approach her with kindness(yes sole anger) and always told her we can work on this and WE can fix it. When we would have fights over these things I never used negative language like “you screwed up again” or “how could you be so stupid again”. But I always was the one to approach her to reconcile things even when I wasnt the one doing these things. She would even use veil threats of leaving with the kids multiple time. She even went as far as pawing a diamond ring I bought after we first got married. Didn’t tell me anything. I only found out about that one when I finally asked her what actually happened to it. Other wise she would have never told me. I wanted her after years of this happening that it could lead to me resenting her and not loving her. That’s how I felt. And it wasn’t a veil threat. Both of those things happened over the past 4/5 years. I didn’t say anything to her about it. Over the last year I had an emotional affair with a co-worker. And yes the old cliche is that I fell in liver with her. I even thought it was fleeting. But I’ve been seeing a licensed counselor for the last 3 months. After talking to her about my wife and the other woman she even came to the realization that I did really love this woman. I’m seeing the counselor because I came to a point where I dealt with staying or going. My counselor diagnosed me with a adjustment disorder with anxiety. I’ve been doing well while seeing my counselor. I’ve gone through the phases of not being so wrapped up with the other woman. But I’m still at a point where I’m having a difficult time deciding to give my wife a chance to work things out. I feel I’m staying and trying to work on things mainly due to guilt of what I’ve done to her and that I still care about my wife. But I do not love her or want to be intimate with her. She is seeing a therapist now but I don’t feel she wants to change the way she is. The issues that have caused her to be so closed off to me all those years were there before I married her. I’m 45 and she is 52. I tried so hard for so long and didn’t let those get in the way of me being there for her and trying to help her deal with those things. I was very open and vulnerable to her as a man because I thought that was the right thing to do as her husband. She got every bit of me from the get go and I feel I didn’t receive it in return. She never truly opened up to me. And she is partially to blame for almost being in financial ruin. We both love our kids and I will do anything for them. But I don’t know if I can risk or wait another 5, 10 or 20 years to she if she will change. I know you’re not a counselor but after seeing so many stories on here I had to share my own. But yes I have been contemplating divorce as well as separating. And at this point it doesn’t even have anything to do with the other woman. It has to do with my own well being, emotionally and mentally. She has a hard time getting past that I fell in love with another woman. I understand that. But I’ve let go of the resentment and anger for those things she has done. But it’s hard for me to get over the fact that she doesn’t recognize the toll it took on me the things she did. What I did to her, in her eyes, was way more terrible than anything she did to me. But I’m still trying to reconcile things but I told her things have to change that includes her having to change as well as I. And I don’t know if she is willing to change. That is something she isn’t open to doing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Since you were open and honest in your comment, I feel obliged to be open and honest with you. I apologize in advance if you don’t like what I have to say. I’m just trying to be straight with you.
So many people believe that “infidelity” means having a sexual affair with someone other than your spouse. But there is so much more to it!
Infidelity is, at its core, a breaking of trust. In a marriage, there can be numerous kinds of infidelity, including emotional infidelity (which you dabbled in) and financial infidelity (which your wife seems to have been involved in). Even though neither of those types of infidelity involve sleeping with someone else, they are both significant breaches of trust. Like sexual infidelity, they can both kill a marriage, if they’re not addressed and dealt with.
(Please understand, I’m not making judgments here about you or your wife. I’m simply stating the facts as I see them: You broke her trust by having an emotional affair. She broke your trust with her financial shenanigans. Pretending that both of you haven’t hurt each other isn’t going to help you move forward in any way.)
The truth is, marriages CAN heal from infidelity. Many do. But it’s certainly not easy.
To rebuild a marriage after an affair, both spouses have to be willing to own their part of the problems in the marriage. To rebuild the broken trust, the person who was unfaithful needs to be genuinely sorry for what s/he did. That person also has to be willing to listen to their spouse’s pain, and be willing to commit to not acting in a way that hurts their spouse again.
With all due respect, it doesn’t sound like either your wife or you is willing to do any of that.
I can certainly understand how your anger and resentment would lead you to seek comfort outside of your marriage. But to expect that because you’ve now “let go of your anger and resentment” toward your wife for her financial infidelity, she shouldn’t be mad or upset about your emotional affair, is unrealistic. That’s not how human emotions work. You may think she should let your emotional affair go, but your wife quite clearly doesn’t agree… and you’re not going to change her!
You can’t force your wife to change. You can’t force her to accept what she doesn’t want to accept. Most of all, you certainly can’t force her to suddenly become financially responsible when she’s been financially irresponsible for the last 24 years! Can she change? I believe that she can! But, will she? I don’t know. Does she want to? Again, I don’t know.
At this point, you might want to take a good, long look at your marriage and yourself. What do you want? What can you control? (HINT: It’s not your wife!) What are you willing to live with? What kind of a marriage do you want in your life? Finally, what do you want for your kids?
I can’t answer any of those questions for you. But, once you can honestly answer them for yourself, you may be a lot clearer on what you need to do moving forward.
I wish you the best.
Karen
PS If you’re interested in understanding more about infidelity you might want to check out this TED talk by Esther Perel. It’s entitled, “Rethinking Infidelity.” It’s already got over 4 million views.
Hi Karen,
I married this guy in an arranged marriage 3 years ago and sponsored him. I found out last year that he was cheating on me, not with one but 6 women. I was shattered by the betrayal. Then he refuses to take responsibility as a husband even though he is working two job and earning more than me, and demands me to bear the expenses while he sends money back home to his extended family.
He keeps disrespecting me and my family and humiliating and belittling me. We have completely different interests and personalities, even our core values in life are miles apart. I am straight forward and prefer the honest hard working approach, where as he constantly tries cutting corners and manipulating others to get what he wants in life.
I tried saving the marriage and gave him a chance after finding out about the cheating as I felt that he ashamed of it but in the last whole year it has only gotten worse. He showed no concern or remorse for the hurt he caused me and when I tried talking to him about it he said its past and ends the conversation. Recently he started blaming me and accusing me of cheating on him, when there has never been any such thing. He went through my social media accounts without my knowledge and printed out the history and started saying that the normal conversations that I have with them are actually coded sexual conversations with men with fake ids as women. It feels like he is trying to rid of his emotional guilt by putting it on me somehow. Another matter that recently came out was that he has been secretly audio taking all our conversations to send to his family and keeping for records. I cannot get my head around why he has been doing that when I have been trying so hard to make this relation work.
This was my second marriage, I left the first one because the guy turned out to be on drugs and started getting physically abusive. He also keeps bringing my ex husband up saying things like I want to be with him and I think he was better and all, when I have never brought the topic of my ex up.
My family and friends see him as a liar, cheater and manipulator and urge me to get out, and I am very unhappy in the current state of this marriage but I feel lost and scared. Everyone think I am very strong but I am not I am broken and shattered and scared. Deep down I am very religious and conservative, I grew up believing that marriage only happens once and its the bond created by God. The first time was hard enough to get over and now I am in a similar situation again. I want to leave him but I still keep thinking of the marriage vows of trying to make things work.
I am under 30 and at the start of my career and I am not financially dependent on him in the sense that I will be able to support myself if I leave him. I do not understand why I feel so much pain to end this marriage which is clearly not working.
The reason you’re in so much pain is because you’re human. You have feelings! This man lied to you, cheated on you, used you and betrayed your trust. Of course you’re in pain!
The better question is the one you ask at the end: Why you don’t want to end this marriage even though it is clearly not working?
THAT’S the question you need to answer. It’s also a question that only you can answer for yourself. Although, if I had to take a stab at figuring out why you’re staying my guess would be it’s because you don’t feel like you deserve someone better. On some level, you don’t feel like you are “enough.” (Which, by the way, is totally not true!)
You seem to have a pattern of marrying very destructive guys, though. I wonder why?
I strongly suggest you find a really good therapist. S/he can help you dig into these questions. A good therapist will also help you get stronger, and more confident. Finally, getting to the bottom of these issues now, and dealing with your problems now, will help you from making the same (or similar) mistakes again.
It will be worth it.
You can do it.
Yes, you can.
Best.
Karen
Hi, I’m writing because I was dating a man who is married but going thru a divorce. He and his wife of almost 20 years don’t like one another and are very unhappy. When he met her they only went on two dates alone then every date after was him, her and her daughter (Before him). He said he never really got to know just her, but then she got pregnant and his parents being old fashion and said “you can’t bring our grandchild here out of wedlock” so a couple days later they were hitched. They didn’t know much about each other but became close later and did a lot together but they never fell in love. The two of them only showed affection when company came around. He said they didn’t argue much in front of the girls but when they left, them two just didn’t want to be around each other. I asked if he love her he said he have love because she’s a good mom but not a good wife and they were do different. She is the one who initiated the divorce and he said he felt relieved. He and I dated for a little while and he proposed to me but I said let’s wait til the divorce is final because I’m afraid to put my all in when so many people changes their minds about their marriages. I’m not into breaking any marriges, they have been going thru what they are for 10 years and decided to wait til their youngest child graduated from HS. She just graduated in June of 2017. I’ve only known him for almost 3 years so while we are dating while he’s going thru his issue this happened long before me. So last year in August his father found out about what’s going on cuz no one knew, they been living separate for so long and their friends and family think they’re so happy when they aren’t. His father and mother don’t believe in divorce and believe people should never back out, no matter how hard things get. So he need something important from his dad and his dad said i will not give you what you want until you at least go to counseling, so long story short he goes to counseling and still don’t want to stay so his dad is the type to throw his money around because he has it and pays for another counseling session without his son’s consent or knowledge til the counselor tells him after the holidays. I asked him why is he letting his dad control him, i asked if he want to stay with her and he says he’s not happy with her, he only wants me but because he dont want to displeased his mother and father he gone see how it work out.. We broke up and he still not happy, he’s even tried to come on to me, I told him stop and that he made his choice. I’ve never turned him down, I’m so hurt because we made plans but he trying to please everyone because he’s afraid of what the outside think and would rather be in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage just to make everyone else happy. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved but he and I were already friends and going thru the same situation but the only thing I let go so I can move on and be happy. He dont want to displeased his family that don’t realize or don’t care how unhappy he really is. He still call and text and he still try to keep in contact, I’m sure he misses me but I can’t entertain him because he won’t stand on what makes him happy, so I make myself unavailable. I will not be the other woman. Why do people do that, why stay just to please everyone else, and am I a terrible person for still loving him and wanting him to do what makes him happy. It’s just funny that neither one of them want each other, and staying so his father isn’t upset. I can’t do it unless I’m the only one, I’m not here to please anyone if I’m not happy
You’ve packed a lot into your comment. I’m not sure where to start.
First of all, let me commend you for ending this relationship. I can tell that you love this man and want to be with him. I’m sure you’re in a lot of pain right now.
I’m not going to lecture you about getting involved with a married man – even one who swears he is unhappily married and wants a divorce. That’ not my place. But, as you have learned, just because a man is “unhappily married” doesn’t mean he is ever getting divorced!
I don’t know how old this man is but, presumably, he is over 18. I wonder why he is still allowing his parents to run his life. I mean, seriously! Is this the kind of man you want to be in a relationship with?
I know what he’s telling you. I know you love him and want to make him happy. But, it’s time for a little tough love here.
If this man wanted to be divorced, he would already be divorced.
Perhaps it’s time for you to stop worrying about why he is doing whatever he is doing, and worry about yourself instead.
This man is not going to change. Plus, at this point, even if he did, how could you respect him? How could you be sure that he will stand by you in the future if he won’t do it now? And, don’t forget, standing by you means dumping his wife — who he also promised to love and cherish forever.
I know that he told you his marital problems started long before you arrived. Maybe they did. But, then why didn’t he leave his wife when he knew his marriage was over? Oh. He wanted to stay for “the kids?” Uh huh. Then why didn’t he wait until after he was divorced to get involved in a new relationship? Is that good for “the kids?” And, now that his youngest is gone, why isn’t he gone too?
I don’t want to be rough on you, but I’m not going to lie to you either.
This relationship is not healthy. This man is not healthy. Leaving him will hurt. But staying will hurt more.
All the best.
Karen
I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years but went to high school together . It started out great. He was kind and sweet, would laugh and smile most of the time. We did a lot of activities together. We have 2 beautiful children but our marriage started failing miserably when i was halfway through my second pregnancy. My husband and i married not long after his mom had passed so i blamed most of the behaviors on that. Unfortunately, it hasn’t even began to improve but has gotten unbearably worse. My husband is depressed and disconnected. He cant do simple tasks without being asked or told over and over. He refuses to make decision on his own or take responsibility for anything. He does work hard and loves his children but i feel i am raising a third child. I am exhausted from picking up after him and having to constantly ask him to help around the house. He breaks down and pouts like a child when i get upset. I hate feeling so angry and aggravated at him all the time. It has gotten so bad that i dont even look at him as my husband anymore. I feel like i am his mother. When i try to have a conversation with him to figure out better ways of dealing with certain things, he zones out, doesnt listen, and can’t remember anything i had said. He gets so mad when i wont be intimate but its hard to be with someone you picture as a child. I feel he has lost his common sense. He has been to mds and therapy with and without me. Im to the point i believe he has aspergers syndrome due to him being so awkward in social settings. He use to hug on young girls at our church until i addressed that it looked inappropriate. He said he didnt understand why( he was 25 at that time and they were in middle school). He cant have a normal conversation and it seems he doesnt know what to do when people are around so he just stands there and stares. Personal hygiene is also an issue unless i stay on him to put clean clothes on, brush his hair, shave, brush his teeth, etc. I know marriage is in sickness and health but i didnt sign up for raising a grow man. It is taking a toll on me spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I dont want to raise my kids in this kind of environment. I dont know what to do anymore. Please help.
I constantly have to go behind hom and check the kids car seats when he puts them in the car due to the forgetfulness and not buckling them properly. Im so afraid for both kids to go with him at the same time in case he was to leave one of them somewhere of forget them. Anytime i leave him at home with both kids he ends up taking them to my grandparents and is home alone when i get back.
It sounds like something is clearly going on with your husband, but I don’t know what. You can certainly encourage him to get help. But it sounds like you’ve already done that and nothing changed. At this point, then, the question is not, how do you help HIM, but how do you help YOU?
I can understand how frustrating it must be to feel like you’re raising a third child. You said your husband has been to doctors. But you didn’t say if there was something physically or mentally wrong with him. (With all due respect to you, what you’re looking for is a genuine medical diagnosis.) If a doctor tells you that he is physically or mentally ill, THEN you can start to work with that diagnosis. Maybe your husband needs medication, or some kind of treatment. If that’s true, and you can get him the right medication or treatment, that can totally turn him around.
On the other hand, if there is nothing physically wrong with him, or if he has a mental illness that can not be regulated with medication, therapy or some other appropriate treatment, then you’ve got a bigger issue. At that point you need to determine whether you’re willing to live with him in his current condition for the rest of your life.
Here’s where so many people get caught in what I call “magical thinking.” They refuse to look at reality. They convince themselves that their spouse is just going to “change.” Or, they convince themselves that they can “tough it out for the sake of the kids.” Your kids are young. My guess is that you are young, too. So what you’ve got to think about is what kind of life you want for yourself and your kids.
That’s really hard because, if you do get a divorce while your kids are very young, you have to understand that your husband WILL be granted parenting time with them. If he is alone with them, you won’t be there to make sure that they’re buckled into their car seats, and have been cared for properly. That can be a scary prospect. On the other hand, staying married to a man who you view as a child is no way to live either.
I encourage you to get a good therapist for yourself and work through your emotions and your issues. (Everyone has issues, by the way. So please don’t take that wrong!) This is going to take time. Don’t rush. Be patient. Be kind – to yourself and to your husband. (At least as much as you can!)
Talk to your husband. Let him know how upset and unhappy you are. Maybe he will change. If you want to give marriage counseling a try, do that, too. Maybe it will work. Maybe it won’t, but at least you tried.
The bottom line is: Do whatever you need to do to find peace in whatever decision you make. At some point you will know what your next right step is, whether it is to stay married or get divorced.
Hope that helps.
Karen
I am and have been for years now, feeling stuck in indecision. My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years but have been together since high school. We got pregnant very young and have three children. One teenager still living at home, the other two are adults and living on their own. Our relationship was rocky from the start. Not to say there were never happy times but I have many memories and feelings of the not so great parts. He’s a smoker, and an alcoholic, though he refuses to admit it. He was out with friends more than at home. And when he was home, a majority of that time there was no quality time together or as a family. I always felt the responsible one and it was pretty much my kids and I doing things and going places together. He rarely came to family gatherings. He was and is a decent father, although we disagree on quite a bit. I felt he was hard on them and when he drank it was worse. It wasn’t always all bad, we did have some great memories. He did do things with the kids and they have a good relationship with him now. The simple fact is, he’s an ass. He has always made the decisions without talking or seeing how I felt about them, and we did what he wanted to do. Every once in a while I would have a say in anything we did. But a lot of times it was at a price. Meaning he would pout or get angry or impatient if he had to wait on me. There were many times We would be home and he in the garage drinking of course, that was another thing anything we did had to be able to have alcohol there, if there wasn’t alcohol and he went, he would rush me or sit there angrily because he wanted to leave. Anyway, he would be in the garage at night and I would be in bed, because it was late and I would wake in the middle of the night and notice that he had left. He would go to a friends house to drink or to a bar with a friend. He would never let me know. I would find out because I would wake and find him gone. And all the while if I would try and bring anything up about any of this he would argue with me, get defensive and tell me I’m just trying to start a fight with him. I guess I started to just never say anything because it would end up in a screaming match. I would tell myself, when our kids were older I’m going to leave. Leaving never came. Now fast forward to a few years ago. I decided enough was enough. My kids were older, one in college and the other getting ready to graduate and off to college. Needless to say my kids were out with friends as teens do and I would find myself home alone. So… I started doing things for myself, eating healthier and started to be with friends. I knew that I needed to change things. Well he started to notice and wasn’t thrilled. We ended up in arguments about me not being home and he would accuse me of cheating, which was not true. I told him I thought about leaving him. I was tired and fed up with everything. He told me things would change. He would change. He loved me. He changed for a bit. Quit drinking for a while and little by little drank again. He doesn’t go anywhere with friends anymore. I still do every once in a while. I invite him to come along and he would rather not. So I go anyway. For the most part I do t let him dictate my life anymore. We argue about those things now. About me going with friends and staying out late. He accuses me of being drunk, which I’m not, he accuses me of cheating, which I’m not. I am not truely happy being married to him. The idea of not being married scares me, the idea of staying scares me, the idea of hurting him by me leaving scares me. And the idea of being alone forever scares me. I resent him and myself for that matter, for staying, for letting him treat me with disrespect. I know that now, but I can not seem to leave. We’ve grown apart, and in all that time I have outgrown my sincere love as my partner for him. My choice right now, is not to make a choice. But… it’s a choice I’m hurting with. There is more to our story and of course there is his side. Sorry it’s so long
Oh my! There is definitely a lot to unpack in what you’ve written. I’m not sure that I can do it justice online. Actually, I probably can’t. But, let me just give you a few ideas.
First of all, it sounds like you’ve been married for a long time. You and your husband have a lot of history and three kids together. I’m not surprised that the idea of getting a divorce or being alone scares you! I’m also not surprised that even the idea of staying married scares you! At a certain point in life, we all start to become aware of the fact that we only have so many years left on this planet. Since none of us knows precisely when those years will expire, we can’t help but want to make them the best they can be.
I get it.
Unfortunately, that kind of dilemma leaves you exactly where you’re at: Stuck!
Getting yourself moving in one direction or the other is going to take A LOT of time and effort. So, the first question you have to ask yourself is: are you willing to put in that time and effort? While the answer may seem obvious (Of course I want to get unstuck, Karen! What are you talking about?!!), if you dig a little deeper, it may not be.
As human beings, we all want security. We want to be comfortable. Most people will choose comfort over happiness. There is nothing inherently right or wrong with either one. The question is: who are you and what do you want from life? Staying comfortable is less risky, but it doesn’t make you grow.
On the other hand, going for happiness can make you supremely uncomfortable, at least for awhile! Plus, there are no guarantees in life. You can leave the life you have in the hopes of creating a better life, yet still come up empty.
I’m sure you’ve thought of all of that. That’s why you’re stuck. Because the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. But, it’s still a devil. You’re still unhappy.
So the question you might want to ask yourself is: Who are you, and what do you want for the rest of your life? Would you rather stay comfortable and safe in a marriage where you’re unhappy? Or, would you rather risk losing your security and spending the rest of your life alone for a chance at true happiness?
Those aren’t easy questions.
To get to the point where you can honestly answer them for yourself will take some digging. Whether and how you do that digging depends on you. You can try journaling, or meditating, or talking deeply and honestly with friends. Therapy is also a great option. If you can find a good therapist to work with along the way, that can make your journey faster.
You might also want to check out a group like Al-Anon. There will likely be a lot of other people there who you can talk to – people who have had similar life journeys and might be able to help you figure out what you want and find your way.
Finally, of course, your last option is to do nothing. You can spend the rest of your life stuck. People do it all the time. But then, you deny yourself both happiness AND comfort while you dance back and forth between wanting a better life, but being too afraid to go for it.
The choice is yours.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Karen,
I am at the same place as many of the people above that have posted. I have been with my husband since I was 15 and he was 20. We have been married for 20 years. I am now 43, 4 kids, a big house, lots of “stuff” and am miserable. He is a good man, but a terrible husband and father. He and my 15 year old son fight all the time, and when I try to make things peaceful, I am blamed for coddling my son and allowing him to get away with everything. (in reality, the two of them are identical, just separated by years)…. I love my children so much and have nothing but anger and lack of any emotional feelings towards my husband. I am terrified as to how I can manage financially if we divorce. I feel like a horrible person for only wanting to stay for his paycheck…. but really, we have always had our accounts separate, and I pay for as much as I can but it is always not enough. I am ready to be on my own, am not afraid of being alone (actually looking forward to it). I just don’t know how I would manage to maintain this house but don’t want to sell and move either… this is my home. I work full time, but travel some for work and am currently getting my Master’s Degree, so I “should” be financially stable, but having 4 kids and not knowing how to manage my money is paralyzing. Any advice?
In spite of the fact that I’m sure you’re hurting and unhappy, you’re actually not in a bad position at all! While I’m sure there is a lot more to your story than what you’ve written, it sounds like your biggest problem is that you lack the right knowledge to move forward.
You can fix that.
It seems you need information in 2 areas: personal finance and divorce. Lets tackle those one at a time.
First: Personal Finance. Managing money can be scary, but it’s not rocket science! If you’ve had separate accounts throughout your marriage anyway, you probably know a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Even still, learning more is a great idea.
There are a lot of places you can start. You can talk to a financial planner and get advice from him/her. Many financial planners will give you an initial consultation for free. Even if you have to pay for their advice, that might be a good place to start.
You can also check out the personal finance section of your local bookstore. One book that I like a lot is “The Richest Man in Babylon.”. It’s a quick read. It seems simplistic, but the advice in the book has stood the test of time.
You also might want to start following some personal finance blogs like Wealthy Single Mommy. You might also want to check out The Ultimate Guide to Personal Finance by Ramit Sethi.
Second: Divorce. The smartest way to go into a divorce is by being prepared. The problem, of course, is that, if you’ve never been divorced before, you have no idea HOW to prepare for it! You don’t understand how the system works, or what you need to do to get through it with your family and your finances reasonably intact.
If you want to discovery how to get through your divorce with confidence and clarity, check out The Divorce Road Map Program. It’s an online program specifically designed to help you can save money, time and heartache in your divorce. I know it sounds like shameless self-promotion here (okay, maybe it is!), but the truth is that I created the program specifically for people like you.
I don’t want you to think I’m just trying to sell you stuff here. But, the truth is, there is no other online program out there that helps people get through their divorce step by step in such a manageable way. (Hey, if I can’t promote my own products on my own website, where can I promote them, right?!)
Finally, while I can hear that you don’t want to leave your house, I encourage you to be realistic in your assessment of whether you need, and can afford, it. I know that’s not what you want to hear. In truth, with 4 kids, maybe staying in the house might be the most financially sound thing you can do … or not. Here are some articles that might help you figure it out.
6 Reasons NOT to Keep the House in Divorce;
How to Decide Who Gets the House in Divorce.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Karen,
Like many of the others who have written to you, I too am stuck with indecision and have been in limbo for months now. I have been married for 8 years with no kids. My husband and I have been fighting/arguing for the entire 8 years, probably every other day, at least once a week and definitely once a month. He’s extremely sensitive, stubborn, and has a huge man-ego. He refuses to compromise on anything, everything in the marriage is my fault, including his own disappointments and what he deems as setbacks in his career. I am his punching back for everything wrong in his life. He’s verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. He constantly puts me down, is extremely possessive, and of late, has even set a curfew on me requiring that I be home at a certain time because I am a “married woman” and it’s unsafe. I am also not allowed to travel without him because that’s not what “married women” do, and if I wanna have that “lifestyle,” I should do so when I divorce him. He has also physically restrained me during fights to the point where I end up with bruises on my arms. I have spun my wheels going crazy trying to figure him out, trying to understand him, but he does not communicate, does not resolve/address issues, and stonewalls me after every fight and tortures and punishes me by not speaking to me for days and emotionally/mentally checking out. I feel that the only way to avoid fights is to simply keep my mouth shut, and I mean literally not say anything except maybe about the weather and simple pleasantries because who knows what the next trigger will be for a fight. In order for this marriage to work, I as an individual cannot exist. He constantly says that he was a happy and great person before he met me, and every day that he is with me, he becomes a worse person. I have discussed with my family and close friends and while they ultimately tell me it’s my decision and they will support me either way, the strong consensus is that I should leave because he will not change, excepts me to always “change,” and he’s abusive. Every fight is disproportional to the underlying issue and is always extreme in nature and always ends with him threatning to divorce me. I am finally at the point where I’ve started to take steps towards making the decision to leave and separate, and have even seen some apartments, but I chicken out because it becomes “too real.” The thought of leaving him and imagining my new life excites me because at this point, I prefer to be single and alone and have peace and be able to live on my own terms than to be in this toxic marriage. Yet, at the same time, the fear sets in—what if it’s the wrong decision? What if it really is me? What if we can be happy? I am extremely depressed and unhappy, and simply going through the motions of life each day. The fights of course affect my work and I have no emotional, mental or physical reserves left for anything else in my life. I barely sleep due to stress and anxiety and constantly mulling over my situation and trying to figure out what to do. There really is no reason stopping me- no kids; my finances are good; we never commingled anything and he even refused to actually open a joint bank account with me or even share the account info (I have no idea what he earns or has saved and he’s a successful professional as well). He’s been threatning divorce since one month into our marriage. I am also afraid that he will become extremely vindictive once I leave. He’s threatened to not make divorce easy for me and claims that I ruined his life so he will ruin mine too. As I write this, I feel foolish because gosh, this sounds awful and I would never advise a friend to stay in this relationship. But I feel so weak-willed despite being a strong, educated woman. I have also started seeking therapy for support, but ultimately, I need to make a decision one way or another. The longer I wait, I simply prolong the inevitable and am delaying my happiness and shot at a new life- whatever that entails. But I am also afraid of leaving the miserable life I currently know because I fear that I will have made the wrong decision and maybe I have a shot at happiness with him? I appreciate your input.
The devil you know always seems better than the devil you don’t, right?
Believe me, I totally get it. But, here are some things to think about.
What you are describing is a classic abusive relationship. If you’ve been living in this kind of a situation for eight years now, my guess is that your self-esteem is virtually non-existent. You doubt your worth and your ability to move on. You second guess yourself all the time. You worry that if you leave this marriage you will spend the rest of your life alone. (Am I on track here?)
Here’s what you need to know: You are stronger than you think! I know that sounds like a cliche. It’s not. It’s the truth. If you look deep down inside of yourself, you will feel your own power. That power may be buried so deeply inside of you at the moment that it seems small. It’s not. You’ve just got to let it out to get some air!
Of course, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to don a Wonder Woman outfit and go conquer the world right now, either. You need help. You need to reconnect with your power, and build up your confidence. It’s great that you’re seeing a therapist. That’s a good start. You might also want to check out support groups for battered women.
You may think, “Oh, but my husband never really beat me, so I’m not a battered woman.” What you need to understand is that constant verbal and emotional abuse leaves scars too. You’ve got to start dealing with those scars. You’ve got to start rebuilding the confidence that you’ve let him tear down for years. If you ever want to grow out of this situation, you’ve got to start understanding yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, and taking your control back.
(Don’t freak out! You can do this!)
It starts by giving yourself a break. You are beating yourself up for not being able to make a decision, but you’re so sleep deprived that you can’t think! I’m not surprised that you keep going back and forth about what you want! You plague yourself with questions like, “What if it really is me?” when you KNOW deep down that it’s not you. As for your questions about whether you could ever be happy in this marriage, I don’t mean to be hard on you, but if what you’ve described has been the state of your marriage for eight years, it’s NOT going to get better! The heavens are not going to open, and your husband is not going to get struck with a lightning bolt that miraculously gives him a personality transplant!
It is not. Going. To. Happen. Ever.
Get the help you need. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the time you need to get stronger without beating yourself up about how long you’re taking. You’re going to get through this.
All the best.
Karen
Karen,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I have a lot of work to do on myself and a lot of self healing. As soon as there is some semblance of peace and or status quo, I seem to sweep all issues under the rug and avoid any confrontation or resolution…until the next big blowout which is always around the corner. He lacks absolutely zero insight into his behavior and how it’s affecting me and the marriage. For the last four weeks I’ve tried to find some peace in my life and focus on my work. However, I know he will never change and I need to decide whether I am going to put up with his behavior for the rest of my life or if I am going to have enough courage to want something more for myself from life. You are absolutely right in everything you said. What happens to me in my life is on me. I seem to think that an abusive marriage is better than no marriage at all and that’s where I need to do some self reflection. Thank you again.
You’re welcome! Self reflection is an amazing thing!
Best.
Karen
Karen,
I have been married for 30 years and have for over the last 15 years thought about divorce. Although she does not work, the children are gone, she controls the money, I have to account for any money I spend. Every single day she in some way belittles me, according to her I “can’t do anything right,” Plus she has become a scary person, unhappy, angry and distrusting. She has no problem scolding and raising her voice to me, but if I do the same thing… I am “yelling at her.” Oh, but if anyone is around, she is so different, she lets no one know how she is to me. So I’m sure if I start a divorce most of the people that know us.. which is few because I’m not allowed to have friends… will see me as the bad person. It seems, over time, in trying to make her happy, I have sadly given her control of everything. whenever I get upset, she becomes nice… like when we were first together… I fall for it thinking everything is fixed…and then… before I know it, SHE is back.
I know this is a confusing post, but it reflects me at this point. Its not finances… Frankly, its my fear of her I think …I’m afraid of telling her that I want out and her anger. I know that sounds crazy… but I feel trapped even though there is a door right in front of me!
Any advice would help.
thank you
Eric
Since you asked …
I can see that you’ve been struggling in an unhappy marriage for a long, long time. Given your description of your relationship dynamics, I’m not surprised. So, the question I have for you is: are you ready to do something about it?
Until you decide that you want to change, you never will. But, as we all know, change is scary. What’s positive is that you’re able to see what’s happening and that you’ve given your wife control over everything. That’s actually the first step in making things different.
I strongly suggest you get yourself a good therapist asap. Right now, you need to become stronger. As you learn to stand up for yourself and confront your wife, she WILL fight back. (No one likes to lose control.) When she does, you have to be strong enough inside to stick to your guns. If you try to change, but fold like a cheap tent the minute your wife yells at you, your self esteem will likely end up even further in the toilet. You will also lose confidence in your ability to change.
At the same time, the very fact that you are looking for solutions means that, somewhere, deep inside you not only want to change, but you are willing to work for it. Kudos to you! Again while you can do this alone, a good therapist can really help you get where you want to be faster.
As for your friends, you’re probably right. Everyone loses friends in divorce. Everyone. If your wife is that good of an actress, I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned many of your friends against you. Yet, if someone is REALLY your friend, they will not abandon you because you are getting a divorce. So, for those friends you lose, ask yourself if they were really your friends at all.
I wish I could tell you that standing up for yourself will be easy. It won’t. If you decide to divorce, that won’t be easy either. Just remember, this is your life. You only get one chance to live it.
All the best.
Karen
Hi Karen,
Like many of the others on here i’m not sure what to do anymore.. I have been with my husband for Six years, married for two with a two year old son. The first year of our marriage was very hard as we had just had the baby 2 months early and a lot of our time was spent in the hospital, I spent most of my time up there with my son in the NICU, while my husband chose to stay home and play video games. Unfortunately that’s how most of our time has been, me caring for the house and our son while he locks himself away to play games. I became resentful, depressed, and no matter how many times i tried to talk to him about our issues he just wouldn’t listen. If anything changed it was for about two weeks then back to how it was before. I couldn’t handle him tracking my phone wherever I went, yelling at me, accusing me of cheating on him and calling friends and family to check up on me. I reached a breaking point and left for six months as a separation, in this time he said he would be a better father and husband yet never made an effort to see me or his son. I was finally happy and the only reason I went back was promises from him and guilt from family members. Nothing has truly changed though, yet he acts like everything should be fine and I should love him unconditionally like nothing happened. He says I have no passions in life, that i’m a different person than who he married, well that’s how I had to become in order to keep myself functioning. I know how much pain he’s caused me over the years cant be explained through writing like this but I don’t want to hurt him when asking for a divorce. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I cant live like this, resenting him, hating being in my own home, biting my tongue to avoid a huge fight. I already have a place to go, and I make enough at my job that I would be financially stable. How do I deal with the guilt, I don’t know what to do anymore.
Any advice would help, thank you.
Everyone has their limits. The fact that you’ve reached yours doesn’t make you wrong or bad. It just means that things didn’t work out as planned.
That’s just life.
It also happens to everyone … even to those people who are so ready to make you feel guilty for leaving when you’ve done the best you could do.
I shared a meme on my Facebook Page today that reminds me of you. It said: “There’s a big difference between giving up, and knowing when you’ve had enough.”
It’s not for me to tell you what to do. But, I don’t think I have to. I think you know what to do.
No matter what you choose, it won’t be easy. Just be true to yourself. Do your best. No matter what you choose, the road ahead isn’t going to be easy. But, you can do it. I can tell from what you wrote that you can do it.
You’re going to be okay.
Karen
PS You also might want to get yourself some support right now. A good counselor can help you out tremendously!
This article is truly amazing. I know I must act soon because being in limbo sends mixed signals and confuses things even more.
I married my wife in 2010, I was 22 and she was 30. I did it to do the right things because she got pregnant. The first few years were rough because she was extremely verbally abusive as I was in and out of jobs and hers was steady. Any effort or money I put in was never enough and was belittled including saying she could find a better man. She does not handle stress well and we have a lot of that. Our son is autistic and it added another layer of complication. Then buying a house and a lot of added bills didn’t help. The abuse continued on and off and I believed she was getting better.
I stayed in the beginning because of immaturity and fear and now, I stay because of the guilt of leaving my kids, especially my daughter. I’ve realized I cope by just numbing myself and being cold towards her. She now really wants to make it work and tries treat me well, but I can’t show her any emotion. All her concerns fall on deaf ears and although I genuinely can’t compromise with her anymore, I feel horrible because I want to be in a relationship I care about and want her to be happy. I forced it make it work and got both of us deeper into commitment and I feel like I’m all to blame.
The fear and guilt is killing me and I can’t look her in the face and tell her I’m leaving. This sucks.
I can hear how awful you feel! The situation you described does suck! The question is: what are you going to do about it?
It strikes me that you have 3 options: Leave, and deal with your guilt. Stay and live with your unhappiness. Or work on your marriage and make it better. Obviously, if that works, you have the best of both worlds. The problem is, you never know whether it will work.
Can you save your marriage after all you’ve been through? Honestly, I have no idea. But if you haven’t tried it yet, it might be worth it to you.
I suggest you try both marriage counseling and individual counseling. You need to get clear yourself on what you want. You need to understand your conflicting emotions and start dealing with them so you can get yourself unstuck and moving forward in some direction. Individual counseling can help with all of that.
Marriage counseling can help you get to the bottom of what’s going on in your relationship. It can also help you work on the relationship in a productive way so you can make your marriage better. If your marriage is past the point of no return, you’ll figure that out too. If your wife won’t go to therapy, that tells you something about how much she really wants to make your marriage work.
No matter what you do, the next few months (or more!) are not going to be easy. But, my guess is that staying stuck in the middle isn’t exactly a cake walk either.
Best.
Karen
PS Numbing yourself and turning off your emotions may work in the short term, but is that really how you want to live the rest of your life? What do you think that’s going to do to you after another 8 or 10 years? … just asking.
So many similar stories yet I still can’t seem to figure out what to do. Ok here goes… stay-at-home older mom (55 with 14-yr-old son), miserable marriage to a controlling, emotionally manipulative man who has made the decisions of no intimacy, no real friendship, no partnership (I have no access to or real knowledge of our financial situation (all important papers, bank statements, tax returns, etc. go to his office). Granted I’ve been really stupid to allow myself to become this naiive person but was so excited to have a baby and the opportunity to be a SAHM that I became caught up in it. Realized early on the marriage was a mistake and a sham, he certainly does not love me but denies all because of his need to appear perfect and “save face.” I’ve tried to talk things out, go to counseling (he’s bailed each time), begged, pleaded, cries, all to no avail and his accusations about my anger and lousy attitude are as bizarre as is his complete lack of ability to accept any accountability for his lack of contribution to the marriage. He’s never allowed me to get too close and denies any of my observations. I finally decided a few years ago that we should end the marriage and his response was how he doesn’t have money ;not that he loved me and wanted to work things out). He’s a good provider, writes lots of pretty words in birthday and holiday cards, gives lovely gifts. Up until about two years ago I’d have given it all up for a real marriage but now all I want is out. I don’t want to hurt him or my son, I don’t want to turn my son against him, I just want peace. However, I’m still not working (not for lack of trying, I never had a career, no college degree, just jobs). I don’t really know how much money there is but all I want is for him to be fair so I can live comfortably until I get situated with a job, although it will be some time before I can make any decent money and I’m already over 55. My son has been struggling partly because my husband has spoiled him his entire life by buying everything he wants and letting him do whatever he wants. He’s a good kid but beyond spoiled and incapke of accepting the word no or processing any kind of disappointment. He has only known stress and tension in our home yet he seems to prefer that to the alternative.my husband has had health issues and family issues that I have been extremely supportive with but he does not really ever appreciate it. We’ve been fighting more probably because he sees I’m getting stronger and putting up with less of his nastiness and controlling ways. Bottom line is that I am absolutely certain that this marriage must end as my health has suffered greatly but again, I have no money and no access to anything, cannot afford attorneys and I’m very anxious and scared for my son and his lack of ability to deal with things. He refuses counseling any time I try to convince him to go even to help me. I’ve met once with a divorce coach but I still am unable to figure out how to get information together when I have access to nothing and how to navigate the best settlement for myself and my son. I’ve been getting panic attacks just thinking about what I seem to be up against and my husband threatens to tell a therapist or attorney “things” about me that will somehow hurt me although I truly have no idea what that means. I’ve never done drugs, drink very little and never when I’m driving, I’ve never laid a hand on my son, never cheated, and I can’t even think of anything else. Seems like more manipulation as has always been the case. I know there are other women in my exactvor similar position but I haven’t met any to turn to for support or guidance. Please please help me figure this out. Thank you.
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. It seems that you want to leave but don’t know what to do. You’ve also got a lot of fear about the future. Given your situation, that is certainly understandable.
You said your husband won’t go to counseling with you. That’s fine. But that’s no reason you can’t go by yourself. A good therapist can help you start to build yourself up and get strong enough to move forward. While I understand that you are getting stronger, (and that’s awesome!) if you want to move forward with your divorce, you probably need to get stronger still. Plus, the fact that you are having panic attacks just thinking about what you might be up against if you get divorced tells me that you still have some work to do. (Don’t feel bad, though. We all have work to do on ourselves!)
Another thing that will make you stronger and more confident is getting a job, even if it’s only part time. That will help you on several fronts. First, it will boost your confidence and self esteem. Second it will help you bring in some money that will enable you to get money to pay an attorney. Third, it will get you back into the work force, which is the first step towards getting an even better job and making more money.
I know you said you’re trying to get a job, but can’t. You’re also concerned because you’ve never had a career. Right now, don’t worry about getting a career. Start where you’re at. If the only thing you can get is a job, get a job. That’s a start.
You said you don’t have access to your financial information. While that is definitely a problem, it is not insurmountable. If your husband won’t give you any financial documentation, ultimately you will have to get it through the court system. That’s expensive and time consuming, but it works. At the moment, though, that’s not your biggest problem. So, don’t worry about the financial documents right now. Work on educating yourself and making yourself stronger first.
Speaking of educating yourself, you might also want to consult with an attorney in your area and see what your options are. Many attorneys give free consultations. The more you can learn about divorce, finances, and your own financial situation, the more prepared you will be to move forward.
Hope this helps.
Karen
I have been struggling with the idea of divorce for a couple of years now. I feel so unsure, anxious, numb, etc. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 11, and have two children in elementary school. For the past 8-9 years, my husband was very angry, negative, and unpleasant. The kids would go to my mom’s house and complain that “all dad ever does is yell at us” and I know exactly what they mean. He didn’t help around the house or with the kids (baths, laundry, taking to sports activities, trick-or-treating, etc.), griped about everything, we fought about everything without resolution (I would shut down and make myself scarce for a few days until he acted like nothing ever happened), and I always felt that he was in control of everything. If we remembered something differently, it was me that was wrong. He took other people’s sides on things so I never felt like we were a team. For example, we were at a restaurant and the waitress charged me for 2 beers and I told him I only had one. Instead of backing me up, he says that the waitresses there don’t usually make mistakes like that and that I probably had another one and just didn’t realize it. So the waitress is less likely be wrong than his own wife?! One time he started griping about the cleanliness of the house as I’m making dinner and washing dishes. I had already worked all day and picked both kids up from school/daycare and still had to make dinner, feed both kids, and get our daughter to volleyball practice all within like an hour. I started crying, I’d had enough that day, and told him that I couldn’t do everything and that I needed some help around the house. His response was, “Why? Single moms do it all the time?!” Just to give you a small idea as to what the past 8-9 years have been like in our marriage. These things happened quite often, every fews days. A very close friend of mine of 25 years, with whom my relationship with the past couple of years would probably be considered an emotional affair, died in an accident. He was my first love, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, etc. We only saw each other in person twice, once with my husband there. We never had anything physical in our adult relationship, but he talked about being together and getting our second change IF I ever left my husband. He knew what I’d been going through and that I was considering leaving, but not for him. He told me to try everything I could to work it out, though. He had gone through a divorce about a year before and said he would put up with anything from his ex just to be back under the same roof as his kids again. He’d just helped my husband and I buy a car the day before his death. I was devastated. Crushed. I felt like a huge piece of my heart had been ripped out and I’d never be the same. I came clean and told my husband that we’d talked more than he knew. He understood. After he died, my husband said that when he saw us together the day before, while buying the car, that he knew I was going to leave him for this guy when he moved back into town in 2 months. He said he saw the way he looked at me, smiled at me, focused on me, and that he knew he couldn’t compete. That wasn’t the case, but it made him all paranoid. He started going through my phone while I was sleeping and making innocent things into scandals, snooping through my emails, etc. There was nothing real to find. He started not trusting me at all. Questioning everywhere I went, wanting know what time I did everything, etc. I had done nothing to warrant it. I had an occasional conversation with the friend, like 3-4 times a year for almost 2 years. He says that my friend made him realize that he had to change or he was going to lose me. I’d mentioned counseling a couple of times over a year before that, but he didn’t take me seriously. He’s been great the past 6 months, except for major trust issues. He helps around the house, does things for the kids instead of sitting in his recliner all evening, hasn’t yelled or griped at us much. He’s doing everything I’ve wanted him to do for years, but I feel completely, emotionally numb. I don’t get happy or appreciative when he does sweet things, I have no desire to even kiss him, even just a peck, much less have sex with him. It feels awkward when he tries to hold my hand or be loving. We’ve lived like roommates for so many years. We haven’t kissed kissed in probably 6-7 years and haven’t had sex in 2 years. It feels weird and I have no desire to do it. I don’t feel the desire to text him when we’re apart and I dully reply with an “I love you, too” when he tells me he loves me. When we have alone time we have nothing to talk about except for the kids and work. It feels like trying to come up with conversation starters on a bad first date. I struggle with indecision everyday. I’m an indecisive person even with small things. He’s gone to individual therapy and started going to church, which he’s never had the desire to do before now, and says he feels madly in love like he did when we first met. I went to a psychologist for about 6 weeks and hadn’t accomplished one thing. I wasn’t expecting a complete turnover, but I got nothing out of it. Is it possible to get feelings back or has too much happened and my feelings have completely changed permanently? Is it too little too late? How do I know? I had a lot of resentment, but we’ve talked through it. I don’t feel angry. I feel absolutely nothing. I feel things with other people, friends and family. My psychologist told me I don’t have symptoms of depression. The indecision and anxiety about it is killing me. I’ve started breaking out in hives, having headaches everyday, etc. I don’t know how to figure out if what I’m feeling is real or if I’m subconsciously sabotaging my real feelings. I’m at my wits end and need help. TIA!
I can hear how much you’re struggling. My heart goes out to you. I wish I had a magic wand I could waive to make everything clear for you. Unfortunately I don’t.
I can’t tell you what to do, or even whether your marriage is over. What I can tell you is that deep down inside, you already know the answers yourself. You just have to listen, to believe, and to trust yourself.
You’re breaking out in hives, getting headaches every day, and having other symptoms you probably didn’t even write here. Your body is trying to tell you something! Everything is not okay! It’s time to listen before something even more serious goes wrong!
You said you went to a psychologist for about 6 weeks and didn’t accomplish anything. I’m not sure what you were trying to accomplish. Maybe your goal (whatever it was) wasn’t something that could be accomplished in 6 weeks. Or maybe the particular psychologist you chose wasn’t right for you. You might want to try a different therapist, perhaps an LCSW this time. Getting the right therapist can make a world of difference.
But, there are also other ways to know what’s right for you.
Make some time to be alone. Meditate. If you’re a praying person, pray. Don’t try to think your way out of this. FEEL your way out of this. Focus on how you feel. What makes you feel good? What makes you feel bad? What makes you feel anxious? Pay attention to how you feel. But — and this is key — don’t judge! For example, if going somewhere without your husband makes you feel good, don’t make yourself feel guilty or bad for that. Just notice how you feel. The same thing is true if going somewhere without your husband makes you feel bad. Just notice how you feel.
You’re going to start to figure out what you want by paying attention to what your body is telling you, and by starting to tune in to that little voice deep inside of you that already knows your truth.
You asked if feelings can change permanently. The answer is yes, they can. You asked if you can get feelings back after they’re gone. Again, the answer is, yes, you can. The real question, the one you didn’t ask, is whether your feelings have changed permanently, and whether you can get that loving feeling back. Those are questions that only you can answer.
But make no mistake, you can answer them.
The bigger question you might want to consider is: Do you want an answer to those questions? Are you willing to hear the answer, no matter what it is? Maybe the reason you can’t find your answer is that you’re just not ready to face it. (I know. Your head is screaming, “But I AM ready!” The problem is, it’s really, really hard to face a truth we don’t want to see, no matter what that truth is.)
Rest assured, though, if and when you are ready, your answers will come.
Hope that helps.
Karen
It’s been 4 years since my divorce and almost 6 years since we separated. I’ve learned that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I’m financially much worse off than I imagined and my son is struggling terribly. It’s just not worth it and I wish somebody could’ve talked me out if it but it’s too late now. I have friends who have remarried and agree that your life is never the same after divorce. If you can save your marriage and deal with your misery it’s probably much more tolerable than what could lie ahead. Don’t do it. I wish I worked things out. It’s too late now.
Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your perspective.
Karen
I was married 24 years, and divorced 8 years ago. My sons were 16 and 18 at the time, and have had nothing but trouble since then, especially the oldest. I look back and wonder why I got a divorce in the first place. My wife and I were really close, but grew apart with our jobs, family and outside influences; things we could have worked out, buty we were both too stubborn and selfish at the time, especially me. It’s been really tough emotionally and psychologically for the both of us, and we both have major regrets in all of it.
Divorce is not worth it. Work it out if you can; the grass is not greener!!!
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sorry it wasn’t more positive.
The truth is every situation is different. No matter who you are, or what you choose, you get no guarantee that life will work out as you wish. Unfortunately, none of us can know what would have happened if we had made a different decision in any situation. That’s what makes this so hard.
Karen
The Children, The Children, The Children…
My wife has been emotionally unstable for a while now. We’re financially strung thin right now. The only way we can make it is if she works, but she has 100 excuses and constantly procrastinates. I work 10 hours a day, I come home, I clean and I cook for the kids. I also handle the budgeting, yard work, etc etc .. pretty much 90%, and it’s literally killing me. I’m not saying this is a “woman’s job” but if I were not working I would manage the household. Do I get angry, yes. Do we argue, yes. Do we say things sometimes we shouldn’t, yes. There’s an old saying “It’s cheaper to keep her,” however it’s not fair and I’ve tried talking to her and it ends up being a blame game. I want to move on, but I fear the kids will end up continuing what apparently seems like a family tradition because it’s a pattern in her family of the same “deservent” attitude. I wanting to break that cycle and make sure the kids know right from wrong. Do I hang on? Do I move on?
Tough questions!
The first thing you do is get yourself into counseling so you can talk to a good therapist about what would be best for your kids at this stage in their lives. (Talking about what’s going on with yourself would be a good thing too!)
The second thing you do is to talk to a lawyer about your specific situation so that you know what your legal obligations might be if you get a divorce.
While it’s easy to say “it’s cheaper to keep her,” in most states, your liability for spousal support increases with every passing year. Thee longer you stay, the more you’ll pay. That having been said, there is a huge disparity from state to state in whether a spouse can get support and, if so, how much and for how long. Until you know what your state’s spousal support laws are like, you really have NO IDEA whether you would be paying your wife support and, if so, how much.
As for it not being “fair” that you’re doing 90% of all of the work for the family while your wife coasts along, all I can say is, “fair” has nothing to do with marriage or divorce. (Sorry!) Let me suggest that perhaps you are asking the wrong question.
Asking “What’s fair?” will get you exactly nowhere. I don’t mean to be harsh, but what’s “fair” is subjective. What you think is fair is likely to be very different than what she thinks is fair. And whether something is “fair” or not doesn’t change it.
A better question might be, “What do I want out of life?,” and “Why I am allowing someone to treat me this way?” The next question to ask is, “If I’m not happy with my life, what am I willing to do to change it?” THOSE are the questions that will help you understand who you are, what you want, and what you need to do to move yourself forward.
As for your kids, the biggest way children learn is by example. They’re watching you. What are you going to teach them?
I wish you the best.
Karen
Been together 16 years married 7 with a 5 son…..I want out, hes lied, cheated, called me horrible names in front of our son, friends and family . We havent had sex in a year and prior to that it was only seasonally. I am 100 percent over him and ready to move out. My hesitation is our son.. I’m so worried because he is such a happy and confident kid. He loves his house, loves when the 3 of us have dinner together etc.. I dont want to crush his world. He starts school for the first time this fall…does a time have any advice or positivity with small children and seperating?
I can hear how concerned you are about your son. Kudos to you for being such a sensitive mom!
I’m not an expert in child psychology but, from what I’ve observed, WHEN you get divorced can affect your kids.
Most people think that divorce is hardest on small kids. That’s not necessarily true. From what I’ve observed, divorce tends to be the hardest on teenagers! Even still, every divorce is different and every child is different.
What affects kids more than WHEN their parents get divorced, though, is HOW their parents get divorced. Conflict hurts kids. Conflict is what tears them apart. Now, here’s the kicker – it doesn’t matter whether that conflict occurs before, during or after a divorce! It also doesn’t matter even if the parents stay together. If they’re fighting all the time, THAT hurts their kids! When they put the kids in the middle of their fight, their kids lose!
If you want to get your son through this tough time in the best way possible, I suggest you do your homework. Talk to a child psychologist about your son. Find out how you can best transition him to a different life in a way that will be the least destructive for him. Do your best to protect your son. But also remember that kids learn the most from what they observe. What are you and your husband teaching your son about marriage, relationships and life right now?
Karen
Thank you for this article. I am currently struggling with my decision. My husband is an alcoholic (he will not admit to this) and it is making me miserable. When he is not drinking we have a great relationship, but his constant binge drinking has slowly broken down the love I originally had at the beginning of the marriage. He is very aggressive and scary when he is drunk. Now I am struggling to think if I even find him attractive after all the abuse over the years. We have only been married four years and I’m already feeling lost.
I moved to a different country for him and I’m scared about trying to start again in my home country. I don’t want to burden my parents while I get set up with a whole new life again, but I also don’t know how much longer I can last in this lifestyle. I gave up so much for my husband and I miss my home country. I have worked jobs I am not fully in love with, moved to two different countries, not seen my family for long periods of time etc. I understand marriage is about scarifies, but if he is making me miserable, are those sacrifices worth it? I am at the point where I don’t know if he is worth the pain or not. Not to mention whether or not he would be a good father. I don’t know if I want to take that step with him or leave before things get too complicated.
I am still quite young and have no children, so I’m at the point where it is now or never. A part of me doesn’t want to leave him, but the other part of me doesn’t know how much longer I can last if the drinking continues. I’ve been too scared to tell my family/friends about my situation because they would not be happy with how I have been treated. I have given him so many chances to change/get help. I don’t want to give up on him, but I also don’t know if the love is fully there any more.
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I can hear how conflicted you are! And, I’m not at all surprised. If you have a great relationship with your sober husband, and a miserable one with your alcoholic husband, you are going to be conflicted and confused. You don’t want to lose the good, but you can’t stand dealing with the bad.
I get it.
Allow me to ask a few questions. You don’t need to answer them here on this website. (Actually, you probably shouldn’t!) They are just questions for you to ask yourself.
You said you are young and have no children. Do you want any? If so, what kind of life do you want your kids to have? How would you feel raising children with your husband as he is now? If you want to put off having children until he’s sober, are you willing to never have children at all? What if you wait too long?
Has your husband ever gone to treatment? If he can’t admit he has a problem, my guess is that he hasn’t gotten help. How will you feel living the rest of your life with him if he never gets help? Remember, the only person who can change him is HIM. Not you. So if you stay with him, you are knowingly staying with him as he is. That’s not good, bad, right or wrong. But don’t expect that he will magically turn into a different person, and life will be beautiful in the future, just because you stayed. It may be beautiful in the future, but getting from where you are now to that beautiful place will take time, effort and a whole lot of work. More importantly, unless he sees that he has a problem, it will never happen.
What will your future look like if he continues to drink?
You said you don’t want to go back and live with your parents while you start again. No one does. But how will you feel if you have to go back and live with your parents and start again 10 years from now? Or 20?
Have you had the difficult conversations with him about his drinking? Are you willing to do that and see if he will get help?
You’ve made a lot of sacrifices for him. Is he willing to sacrifice his drinking for you?
I know you don’t want to give up on him. That’s admirable. But if you’re the only one fighting for him, and he’s not willing to fight for himself (or you!), where are you going?
I wish I could give you answers. Unfortunately, they’re not answers that I have. I think you do. I also think that sometimes just asking the right questions can help a lot.
Good luck.
Karen
I’m in the same situation a everyone else. I’ve been married for 12 years. My husband is 15 years older than me. I’m 54 he’s almost 70. I feel like I got married for the wrong reasons so I have never been truly happy. We have no common interests. We don’t do anything together. We have no fun. We don’t go anywhere it do anything yet he says I don’t let him into my life. How is that possible when I don’t go anywhere. I recently started doing yoga 4 days a week and it upsets him everytime. He hates to travel so if I go anywhere it’s alone. He doesn’t like that either. We view life differently and want different things for our future. We haven’t been truly intimate ever. I’ve had self image issues. When we married I had large breast implants. Over the years I have started hating them and wanted them out. After having them removed he will not even look at me naked. He also says hurtful things about my breasts now. I feel great about the way I look for the first time in 15 years. Instead of being happy for me he makes it about himself. I encourage him to play golf with his friends and that upsets him because he’s thinks I don’t want him around. He doesn’t want me to spends any money even though we have money and I have a good job. Every thing is about money. His money is more important to him than I am. I stay because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make it on my own even though I’m in better shape financially than I was before I met him. I also stay out of obligation. He financially rescued me from a very large Student Loan debt. I will be grateful forever but I feel his resentment every day. I also don’t want him to be alone. He’s a Vietnam Vet who has untreated PTSD. He has children but they are not around much although they love him. They have a lot of problems if their own. If not for my family he would spend holidays alone. I’m so torn. I’m not perfect and have made many mistakes myself. He makes comments about me that make me second guess myself. I just don’t know what to do.
Oh my! Where to start?
Okay, first the usual advice. If you haven’t tried marriage counseling, that is definitely something you might want to try soon. (Maybe even if you have tried it in the past, it’s worth another shot!)
You also might want to look into getting someone to talk to just for you. That can help a lot.
As for more specific things, what I see is that there is a significant age difference between you and your husband. What most people don’t realize is that a 15 year age difference doesn’t matter so much when you’re 40 and he’s 55. But at 55 and 70, that gap can be huge! And it will feel even bigger when you’re 70 and he’s 85!
That age difference is probably responsible for some (but by no means all) of the relationship issues you are now facing. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn’t make dealing with those issues any easier.
It sounds like you’ve got some soul searching to do.
What do you want out of your life? If you spend the rest of your life taking care of a husband to whom you feel nothing but indebted, will you regret it? On the other hand, if you leave a man who helped you when you were down when he is 70 years old, will you regret it? Are you willing to work on your marriage? Is he?
Does he really resent you, or is that just how you feel because you feel so guilty? Do you resent him for not letting you live the life you want? Are you both willing to let go of those resentments if it means building a happier life together? Do you want to build a life with him?
Are you willing to do the scariest thing ever and talk about what seems to be the elephant in your marriage: the fact that he rescued you financially and you married him at least in part (maybe a big part) out of gratitude and perhaps a need for financial security, rather than true love? (I know. It’s not easy to even think about those things!) But unless and until you deal with the real issues that are eating at your marriage, it can’t work. Or, at least, it can’t be the marriage you want it to be.
Finally, I want you to know that I understand that these are all just questions, not answers. But the truth is, asking the right questions is the first step in getting some answers. Another truth is, you already have the answer inside of you. You just have to be curious enough to look for it, brave enough let it out, and woman enough to deal with the consequences, whatever they are.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Hi Karen:
First let me say, thank you. Thank you for being responsive to all of us going through this situation. Here’s my story. My husband and I met at our friends house warming party in 2010. He was getting a divorce, and I was dragged to the party by a friend who didn’t want to go alone. We hit it off and were completely inseparable for the first year. Everyone would joke “if you’re looking for her, just look for him”. It felt really good. We were truly in love. We got engaged two years later and married a year after that. We had to go through pre-marital “counseling” with a pastor I was friends with before he would marry us. During those sessions, I was finally aware of how my husband actually talks to me. I would cry, and my husband would just keep yelling. My pastor actually called me after the last counseling session and actually said “I really don’t think you should do this”. We ended up getting married. The honeymoon was great. No arguments, no anything until we got back to the states. Having dinner at the hotel in Miami before our flight back, he was irritated with me about something and made a huge deal about it in the restaurant. We retreated to our room, where I couldn’t stop crying (I seldom cry, btw) and he just ignored me the rest of the time. No apologies, no anything. Recap: Met in July 2010, Engaged in 2012, married in 2013.
Fast forward two years. My husband quit his job because he was unhappy. He went through a period of depression, to which I poured everything I had into him. Left him notes. Left him gifts. Listened to him. Talked to him. Hugged him. Prayed on him, prayed for him. At that same time, we bought investment properties which he thought would provide the extra income to support him leaving his full time employment. As was my fear when he quit, because he didn’t have a strict schedule things with the properties were getting missed. We were spending a ton of savings getting them to where they needed to be, and inevitably, I was the one who ended up doing most of the work, after working all day doing three different jobs.
His negativity got even worse. He hated my family. He hated everyone else. When any of our friends had any good news, he was always “why do they get a promotion, why does that happen to them… they don’t deserve it”. By nature, I’m a very positive person with a strong faith. During this time, I could see my husband was depressed. I begged him to get counseling. He refused. He landed a job that he again hated. Left that job and finally, in November of 17, found a job that he really enjoys. My heart was elated for him.
A year ago, on our way back home after going to the Outer Banks, he was so mean to me I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sobbing in the car and he just kept going. This year, we went to Iceland. My parents came with us and saw how he treated me and my father and him got into it. To the point where I had to pull my dad aside and ask him to leave it go. I defend my husband non-stop. A year and a half ago, I sent him an article that was titled “Why Does My Husband Hate Me?” When I got home, he turned it into a fight. For years I’ve been saying to him, “it’s just the way you talk to me”.
After working all day, I’ll come home, walk the dogs, clean the house and make dinner. Inevitably, when I sit down, he will ask me for something else. I love doing things for my husband. I love the feeling of “pleasing people”. But I’m at my tap out point. In April, I told him we needed to go to counseling. The first two counseling sessions, it took me straight back to the church counseling sessions before marriage. I would cry, he would just keep saying how much it is my fault because I work too much, or that I don’t use things that he buys me for holidays (he’s referring to a steak knife set that he bought me for my birthday that isn’t dishwasher safe #AintNobodyHasTimeForThat). At this point, I’m tapped out. So, I told him we could work on things… try date nights, try spending time together… all of that kind of stuff. The last two weeks have been “nice” but I’m afraid I’m at the point of no return. So I told him that. He was a wreck. Completely devastated. Crying, sobbing, saying that it can’t be our final Christmas, our final thanksgiving… that he can’t stay in the house because it’s our home. He said he’s going to change, and that we can try counseling again, but he doesn’t want to talk about the past. That he has a “new vision”. Every fiber of my being still cares for him… but what if I waste another 2 years going through the same cycle? Can he change?
I know that was lengthy, I just… I feel guilty. I feel awful. I feel responsible. I don’t want him to hurt. Thank you for whatever advice you can provide!
Oh my! Where to start?
First of all, only you can decide what is right and best for you. If counseling helps, and you want to give it a try, by all means go for it! Do whatever you have to do to give your marriage the very best chance for success.
At the same time, I encourage you to be honest with yourself.
Can your husband change? Yes. Will he change? Honestly, I don’t know. The fact that he “doesn’t want to talk about the past” suggests that he has no intention of taking responsibility for his past behavior. That isn’t a great way to start to change that behavior.
It seems that he has been argumentative, judgmental and insensitive to you from the very start. So, asking him to change is asking for him to behave very differently from the way he has behaved for years … maybe for his whole life. That doesn’t mean he can’t do it. It does, however, make changing exponentially harder.
I wonder, though, if you’re asking the right question. Right now you’re focused on, “Can he change?” Have you ever asked yourself, “Why am I okay with him treating me like this?”
With all due respect, it sounds like your husband has been treating you horribly for years! Even before you married him, he was treating you badly. Why is that okay? Why are you willing to accept that? Yes, I know you love him. But you’ve got to love yourself too!
I know you don’t want to hurt him. But is it okay for you to let him hurt you? I’m not saying that just because he hurt you, that you need to hurt him back. But, I am suggesting that you deserve to be treated well. When someone is not doing that, I wonder why you put up with it? To me, that’s the real question you need to answer.
One last suggestion: regardless of whether you and your husband go back to counseling or not, you might want to look into going to counseling alone, just for you. It will help immensely for you to have someone you can talk to about what you’re going through – someone who will be able to give you a perspective you might not have yourself right now.
Hope this helps.
Karen
Karen, thank you SO much! I really appreciate it! I feel like in these situations we sometimes just need an ear to bend, and for someone (who isn’t friends or family and have their own perceptions) not close to the situation to bring it into perspective. I really appreciate your feedback, and for the purposes of anyone else who is in a similar situation – once I figure out what in the holy heck I’m doing, I’ll post an update. Thank you!!
You’re welcome!
So here’s where I am at. I’ve been out of the house since July 1. I told him I would have a decision yesterday. He called me on my way to the house after work – he was originally going to go to the gym while I was walking the dogs and then he was going to be home to talk. During the phone call, he asked if I had any thoughts on what I was thinking. I started crying and said “I’m not staying”. We ended the call soon after that, and when he got back to the house, he opened the door and looked very angry. He put down his bag without saying anything. Earlier that morning, I wrote a letter (pasted below). I asked him to read it while I took the dogs for a quick walk so he could read it without feeling like he had to make any certain facial expressions. When I got back, he was crying on the couch. We cried together for a bit, and then he started saying “I’m never getting married again… I’m selling the Camaro (a vehicle that we bought together)… I’m not passing out Halloween candy… I have no friends and family and will be alone at Christmas… I’m not going to put up a Christmas tree… there won’t be any gifts under the tree…”. I FELT AWFUL. I haven’t filed yet, but I have the paperwork drawn up. I don’t know what to do.
The letter:
Crazy, Boy, Handsome, Tiger…
I love you more than myself. I love your laugh, your handsome face, your wittiness, your strong will, your courage, your love for the punkins, your ability to persevere, your Maverick-ness, your ability to talk to anyone, your determination for working out.
I can’t believe I’m writing this letter. I really can’t. When we said 70 years, I truly, truly truly felt like we were un-touchable. That we couldn’t be separated. That anything life threw at us, that we would move past. And we did. We made it through 2015 which was tough… we made it through 2016… which was tougher… 2017…was just as tough. I can’t be happier for you that you like BSI. I can’t be happier that you are finally back to feeling like yourself. And I can’t feel guiltier that this is coming during a time that you’re actually “normal” again.
I’m not going to turn this letter into the things that I can’t move past, or the examples. I’m the one at fault for this. I can blame the way you speak to me all I want, but honestly, it’s me who needs to look in the mirror and take the blame. After two years of holding back feelings of loneliness, resentment, mistrust, and honestly, the most insecure I’ve felt ever in my life… I realized that I will never be able to rebound to the person that you married. I can’t imagine a day without you… without talking to you… but I can’t drag you through the inevitable.
The things I will miss the most: everything about the good times. Us brainstorming. Us laughing. Car rides. Weekend breakfasts. Car shows. The memories. J-Squared. Cuddling on the couch. Walking the boys together. Going grocery shopping. Me fake complaining about buying a transformer. My complaining about cleaning up YOUR poop in the toilets…
I have no idea how I’m going to get through the holidays. How I will be able to even cope without knowing at the end of the day, I can feel your arms around me, hear your voice, know that I can always run to you.
Why I’m heartbroken: I truly, truly wanted 70 years. After the last few years, and I don’t know how else to say this other than it has nothing to do with the apartments. I do really wish that you would have listened to me two years ago. I think we would be at a completely different spot. But, like I said earlier, I am completely taking the blame for this. I really don’t think the part of me that has felt so insecure, that questions if you’re talking to a female… that doesn’t believe you when you say you and April weren’t a thing… that part, that part of me is so broken that I don’t believe it’s going to change at all. And that, that isn’t fair to you.
I was serious when I said I wanted to remain friends. I get that we can’t be best friends and that you need to move on… we will both need space for sanity. But I still would like to help you with the boys, so that way I can see them. I would like to figure out a way where we can talk through things rationally. I don’t want you to sell the house. I don’t want you to sell Brutus. I don’t want you to burn all of the pictures of us.
I feel as if we were together for a reason… that reason, in my mind, was to get you out of a bad situation with Carrie, and help you realize that you are worthy of happiness. I feel like, maybe in even situations like Laura and Todd, Ehren and Joy, Lauren and Jeff… no one wants a divorce, but it may be better for the “friendship”. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I can’t help but think, “Mel, he’s only 39… if you drag him through the weeds for another year, and then you decide it’s over… he could still have kids at this point… he could meet someone that changes his world…” and then I feel even more guilty for robbing you of that chance if I keep this going for another 6 months. It’s just not fair to you or for you.
I know this is going to be a difficult time in our lives. I just want us to still be okay in the end. A large part of my counseling sessions circled around my guilt. My guilt that I’m the one causing this. Guilt that I’m leaving you… leaving us… leaving the boys. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the guilt of this, nor should I. I can’t believe I’m hurting you like this. I can’t believe that I’m letting myself down with a commitment. I can’t believe that I couldn’t figure out a way to fix this sooner.
I know that we’re going to have really bad days. I still have no idea how I’m going to move stuff out without having a breakdown and another anxiety attack.
I don’t know how I am going to live without your love, your hugs, your love taps, without giving you foot rubs, or saying “loves you, night”. I don’t know how I’m going to walk through the door without wanting to say “hi crazy” or get through the annual events without wondering what you’re doing or how you’re doing. I have no idea how I’m going to go on without you in my life. But I do know is all I want is for you to be happy. For you to know that I still deeply care for you and love you.
I know we talked about a facebook post, or something like that to announce it. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to put ourselves through the pain of hearing friends say “So sorry” or “OMG you guys were our strive to be couple”… because we were. We were the couple that everyone said “I want my marriage to be like theirs”.
I don’t know what you’re thinking, or how you’re feeling about all of this. And I know we’re going to shed a lot of tears tonight. I don’t want us to pretend like it will be normal after today… but that doesn’t mean in the next 90 days we can’t text… we can’t talk… because this isn’t final until it is.
I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am. I can’t tell you how guilty I feel, and how much I hate myself. I love you, and I always will.
Love,
Gurl
Thanks for the update. I know what you’re going through is hard. But what’s even harder is going back and forth over and over again in your head and changing your mind. That keeps both you AND your husband in limbo. It prolongs the pain for both of you.
I still stand by what I said before: going to counseling yourself right now will be SO helpful! That will help you work through your feelings and make the best decision possible. Again, if you think that going to couples counseling will help your marriage, by all means do that.
Just know that, no matter what you decide, you will likely have second thoughts every now and then. What you need to think about is whether you want to move forward (either in getting a divorce or seriously working on your marriage) or whether you want to stay in limbo even longer.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best!
Karen
Dear Karen,
I first met my wife when I was 29 (she was 23), we married when I was 33 and now I am 36. We have a 2.5 year old daughter and my wife is pregnant (6th month) with a second baby girl. I am an introvert and also have a low self-esteem and therefore had very few relationships, despite being decent otherwise. In my 20’s, I was studying abroad (in Germany, uggh) and I had a difficult time to socialize. So, when we first met, I was single for years and scared that I would remain so. I gave in, despite never falling in love with her (not a single day). Everytime we were together, I was getting bored (sexually) and we separated 4-5 times (all on my initiative) before finally ending up together, with me accepting the compromise. Every time I got back with her, it was because she loved me so much and because I was fed up of being alone. We also did some interesting stuff together and communication was (and is) good, but I was not and still ain’t physically attracted to her. I feel her as a very good friend. Sex was mediocre to boring from the beginning and still feels as a chore. During the separations I gave my best to hook up with 1-2 other girls from my very limited cycle and with my very limited social skills but nothing. Overall she treats me very well and loves me a lot. But I feel that I have made a huge compromise and this griefs me. Everything in my life was aligned towards finding a very good partner and spending our lives together but she never makes me feel that I accomplished that. Instead, she makes me feel unfullfilled and jealous of other couples and especially of other, more beautiful girls that I never chased. Financial stuff is not an issue, I can pay anything from alimoni to babysitters to assist her bring up our children. I also really trust her as a mother. My (totally unsupportive of this marriage) sibling and some friends told me that “I could have done better than that” and that hurt me. Others told nothing, all agree that she is just a convential girl. I agree. I am really confused, overwhelmed and sad. Am I just a loser who is doomed either way? Shall I live with it and try to make my people around me happier instead of chasing my own happiness? My current decision is the following: I will stay but keep looking for something better. If I find a job abroad, I will take it to increase the distance between us and perhaps to make her fall out of love too. In this way, I will feel less guilty about it. I am too scared of a divorce and at the same time I think “why not a better one? why not someone that I would fall in love with and would make me content? Didn’t I deserve to be loved by someone better, by someone that I loved back and not by someone that I am with by compromise? Was I not worth a nice relationship? So many girls that rejected me when I was younger, how the hell I am going to find one now”. The truth is, she is the only woman that loved me and indeed she brought several good things in my life. I did not want to waste her love for finding someone better (which I deemed unlikely due to my insecurities) and I decided to marry her. But it seems that I cannot endure this, she is not enough.
Sorry for writing so much. And thanks for being here for us.
Oh my! Where to start?
Since you asked for my opinion, I’m going to start with a little tough love here.
It’s time for you to be honest – both with yourself and with your wife!
You say you have never loved her and want someone better. At the same time, you’re not willing to give her up unless you first find someone better. But, you’re already married! So, how is that going to work?
It sounds to me like you’re trying to take the easy way out. While I suppose you can do that, as long as you do, you will keep getting the results you’ve been accepting for yourself. You won’t necessarily get the relationship you want. You’ll get one that is “good enough.” The problem with “good enough” is that it rarely turns out to be what you want. That’s because you never were willing to risk losing “good enough” to get “great.”
Should you leave your wife? Will you find anyone better? Have you ever tried working on your marriage or working on your sex life? (Yes, by the way, contrary to what most people think, it often takes work!) I don’t know. Whether you do any of these things is up to you. If you do do them, I can’t give you any guarantees on how they will turn out.
All I know is this: if you’re not willing to risk losing, you will never win. If you always play it safe, you’ll get the outcomes that come with playing it safe.
Finally, unless you are honest with yourself – and your wife! – you will not get honest rewards. Now, being honest won’t be easy. At this point it very well may ruin what you have. But it will also give you the foundation for creating a real relationship.
I’m sorry for being a little hard on you. But since you asked for the truth, I thought I’d take the bold step of being honest with you and telling you the truth.
Best,
Karen
Hey their,
So mu wife and i have been married for almost 9 years now, and as of lately, about a year or so, things seem very different. I have tried to talk to her about the emptyness i feel, how it stems from her lack of attention towards .e, but she says the kids keep her busy. Or work exhausts her. Its always somthing. I feel like im dying everyday knowing im with someone who hasnt realized that shes emotianally detached from me. And im affraid one day if ahe doesnt tend to these issues, that she may end up being unfaithful and perhaps that may be the way she realizes what i have been talking about is true. Birthdays, vacations, time together seems forced, and her head is always in the clouds, or wherever other than me and the kids. I have spoken to her about infidelity but ahe swears shes being faithful. I dont know what else to do or say, i feel im beating on a dead horse with her.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Have you tried couples counseling? Marriage counseling can give you and your wife a place where you can talk about these kinds of issues and work through them. Even if she doesn’t think you two need counseling, if you can convince her that you think it is important, she may go.
I also encourage you to get your own counselor, too. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of emotions about your wife right now and a good counselor can help you make sense of what you’re going through so you can get some clarity around your relationship.
Finally, you’re right about beating a dead horse. The more you push your wife to act differently towards you, the more you will actually be pushing her away. You can’t control her and you can’t force her to change. The only person you can control and change is you. So, rather than continuing to push her, you might want to try looking inwards and working on yourself. (That’s where individual counseling helps.)
Of course, I can’t promise that if you change, she will change. But often, that’s exactly what happens.
Best,
Karen
Hello Karen,
I am in fear of getting divorced. Ever since I got a good job and paid better than him he started showing me bad behaviour. He emotionally abuse me every time. He find different situations to argue with me. I ignore myself, I keep quiet because I don’t want a terrifying atmosphere. He want me to change. I am not good at all. Whatever I say, do everything is wrong. He punish me by not taking to me for days. I used to send some money( very little amount) for my father but he stopped me doing that. When my parents came from India he insulted them and when my mother finally decided to go back he didn’t even drop her to the airport. He don’t let me to phone my family. I call them when I go out. Now he is teaching me to drive. I told him I don’t want to learn from him but he bought a car fit duel control etc. So I don’t have no choice. I am fear while driving because he got very bad temper. Now we don’t have nothing in common except 5 year old little girl. One day when I told him I leave you. He said you can go but our daughter will stay with him. He threatens me always. I am in fear if I leave where I will go with my child, how can I look after her and go to work.my daughter school everything. We don’t have no family or relatives here. My daughter loves her dad too.
It sounds like you need help. I know that getting the help you need will probably be challenging because your husband is so controlling. But if you can find a way to start becoming more independent you might start seeing things more clearly (and differently)!
You said you are afraid of getting a divorce. Why? What exactly is it that you are afraid of? A lot of divorce is scary. But knowing exactly what YOU are afraid of will give you a good start at dealing with that fear. (Once you can identify and name your fear, you start to make it more manageable.)
Another important way to fight fear is to educate yourself.
It’s true that a lot of bad things can happen in divorce. But, a lot of things that people THINK can happen or will happen often turn out to be not true. There are a lot of myths out there about divorce. The way to dispel those myths is through knowledge.
The more you know about how divorce REALLY works, the less you will be afraid of what “might” happen.
That’s one of the reasons why I developed The Divorce Road Map Program. It is a discreet, online program that will give you the information you need about divorce so that you can move through the divorce process more effectively and efficiently, with less pain and less expense. CLICK HERE if you want to check it out.
I don’t know if you’re at the stage where you’re even ready to think about divorce. My guess is that you’ve got a lot to work through yet. For that reason, it might be helpful to get yourself a therapist or coach now – someone to talk to about what you’re going through. A good therapist or coach can act as a sounding board, and help you think through your options.
Finally, know that you are not alone. The fears you have about taking care of your daughter alone are very real, and very common. There are solutions to the problems that come with being a single parent. The bigger question for you right now is whether leaving is something you are ready to do.
You might also want to ask yourself: What price are you paying by staying?
Hope this helps.
Karen
PS Just because your husband is threatening to keep your daughter with him doesn’t mean that that is what will happen. You might want to talk to a lawyer in your area to find out how things work in your area.
Oh boy . . . Karen, you are so kind to take the time to respond to people here. Thank you (in advance?) for your time and great advice.
My “husband” (we never officially married) have been together for almost 20 years, and we have an amazing 8 year old daughter. We moved in together early on in the relationship (5 months) due to circumstances (mostly financial) that made it happen before it would’ve naturally happened. I fell into the role of housekeeping, cooking, doing laundry, grocery shopping to contribute since I wasn’t paying any rent – he was always a provider, and a good one at that. Fast forward, and those roles and duties now with a child, and sick pets, and always holding down a professional full time job . . . I had built up a lot of resentment (unfortunately, we never communicated well about our needs). One of my defense mechanisms is withholding (feelings bottled up), so I continued to be resentful, and I had no interest in sex. We also tended to either do our own things, or I would do what he wanted because I can usually be happy doing whatever (baseball games/sports, or spending time with him and his friends/wives). I had my life and friends without him, he never really enjoyed doing the things that I liked to do (running, reading, karate), so we really had created separate lives, but we stayed together out of habit and convenience, and of course now for our daughter. Not to say there wasn’t love, and we did have good times/trips, and I don’t think he is a bad person at all, but there really wasn’t any passion – if there was, it is long gone. Anyway . . . about 3 years ago I discovered that he had been unfaithful for what I believe to be about 5 years – he felt rejected and didn’t think I loved him anymore, so “of course” he went elsewhere. He says only a few were physical, the rest were all virtual. In my investigative work I found a legend or code for 15 -20 names/phone numbers: i.e., Goldie = Pete’s cell, and much more concrete evidence like hotel room stays that I’d never known about. Due to the crisis, i sought counseling and discovered that I was a codependent (enabler, people pleaser) and this changed my world! I couldn’t leave at the time due to finances, so we have still been in the same house but we live in separate bedrooms, and are basically roommates, and of course a family unit parenting our daughter. Now, I can finally move, I have rented a townhome, and filed legally for “divorce” (paternity). He has made great strides as a father the last three years, and I don’t think he is having any more affairs. But the damage has been done, and the trust is gone, in a relationship that was tepid and dysfunctional for so long (was it ever real love, or just our codependent programming?). He doesn’t believe in counseling (although he has gone to counseling with me – about 3 different times – and we just end up bashing each other for old wounds/hurt) and I don’t think he’s dealt with a lot of pain from his family of origin. I have read SO many books, and continue to see a counselor to continue my inner work. Sometimes he mocks me for reading books, saying that he doesn’t need them, he knows his answers inside and doesn’t have to look outside for answers. I feel that if I stay that I will just continue enabling in subtle ways. On the surface – the tip of the iceberg – we are “good” and enjoy our family time together with our daughter. But below the surface . . . I am unfulfilled, and he obviously is on some level too. I don’t want my daughter to end up in the same relationship that we are in – I know we are teaching her, modeling this dysfunction. I know that my codependency (demonstrated as passive aggressiveness and resentment over the years) helped contribute to our situation – greatly. But it also takes two to tango, and I don’t believe he is ready to do the work on himself to address the repressed wounds from his childhood, and find his own inner happiness. He tries to fill the void, and looks outward with a big house, nice car, our daughter, wine (more wine), work, sports – but he can’t sleep, is not a healthy eater, borders on being depressed, and he’s terrified of divorce and how it will impact our daughter (serious gloom and doom perspective). I have happiness in me, joy, and faith that life is beautiful and can be even post-divorce (he thinks I am a pollyanna looking for some utopia that doesn’t exist). I feel like he always brings worry, negativity, judgement, and doubt to the equation. I guess I’m looking for validation (still working on my self trust) – if he’s incapable or unwilling to take that deep dive into HIS issues . . . there is NOTHING I can do, right? I can continue to move forward, with all of the courage I can muster, to the big steps of telling our daughter and actually moving out (and not see her 50% of the time, which breaks my heart), or I can stay and settle which i have thought about doing so many times, and obviously I have done for so long, (of course it’s the EASY thing to do) and just accept it and know that for at least the next 5-10 years I’ll have to make peace with it (I don’t know if I can). Do you know of any families post-divorce that still spend family time together? I would love to hear happy co-parenting success stories. Thanks for reading . . . I’d appreciate any insight you can share with me!
Oh my! I know LOTS of happy parenting stories! There are many, many people out there who are successfully co-parenting their children as divorced parents. Many are divorced and remarried parents. They have put together functional, blended, and happy families. But, that’s not to say that everyone is like that.
It all comes down to a choice. If you want to co-parent in peace and have a great relationship with your ex, it starts with your decision to make that your goal.
You also need to understand that “happy co-parenting” doesn’t always happen overnight. Going through a divorce or breakup is painful. Healing all of the years of hurt feelings and dysfunctional relationship dynamics takes time. You and your “husband” will probably go through a really rough time both during and after your split. That’s normal.
What’s more is that you can’t rush into a positive post-divorce relationship before you AND your ex are ready. Sometimes getting to a positive relationship takes years. Sometimes it never happens at all. But it definitely won’t happen unless you want it to happen, and work on it. (That’s why making this a goal right from the start is so important.)
Finally, remember that the only person you can control is YOU! You can’t force your husband to look into his issues. You can’t make him change. And if he is so hurt that he can barely talk to you for years after your split, you can’t control that either. But, if he is a good dad (and it sounds like he is) he will see how openly fighting with you will hurt your/his daughter. So he, like you, will suck it up and be civil enough (at least on the outside) to maintain a line of communication for the sake of your child.
Eventually, in time, as you both heal, you may come to have a deeper and more caring co-parenting relationship … or not.
Unfortuantely nothing in life comes with a guarantee.
As for whether you should stay or go, all I can say is that’s your call.
Hope this helps.
Karen
I married my husband of 10 years at the age of 19. We were best friends but something always seemed “off” about our marriage. I was willing to work through it, and he just expected life to be a certain way. Whenever I brought my concerns to him, I was met with a blank stare and zero communication. I am very talkative and out going and my husband is the TOTAL opposite. We have 2 beautiful, yet young children. We have not spoken to each other in years except for conversations about the kids. This is completely OKAY with him. He expects me to just figure out a way to deal with it. We also have to been together in over 2 years. In my heart I know it’s over, but he is a wonderful person. There was no wrong doing, he just emotionally checked out. One day, I got tired of the hurt and began to live my life for me and my children, now I can’t stand when he sulks around us. My family tells me to figure out how to deal with it, and I don’t want to hurt my children but I feel as if I’m wearing a fur coat in August in Texas. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot allow him to hold me back from living a full life, but I just don’t want to hurt him.
I’ve been in Texas in August and, all I can say is, I sure wouldn’t want to be wearing a fur coat!
It sounds like you already know what you want to do. Unfortunately, if you leave your husband you WILL hurt him. Yet, if you don’t leave your husband, you will hurt yourself. (Actually, I suspect both of you are hurting already, even though he may not admit it.)
If you keep “wearing your fur coat” and pretending to be happy when you’re not, eventually you will either act out and do something you’re not proud of doing, or you will explode. Both of those things will hurt your husband too. (You could also end up dying inside, but it doesn’t sound like you’re going in that direction.)
Whatever you do, make a plan! Try your best to minimize the effect the divorce will have on your kids. Put them first and keep them there.
What your facing will be hard. But, you’ll get through it!
Karen
PS Just because you may be married to a wonderful person, that does not necessarily mean he’s the right person for you.
Hi Karen,
I’ve been wanting out of my marriage for 5 years now. Been married for 17, have 2 kids together and I know this marriage is beyond repair. The lying, cheating, abuising verbally and emotional, drug and alcohol abuse is all there on his behalf. I am not a saint either but I don’t use drugs or alcohol nor have I stepped out of the marriage, I have begun to verbally abuse him back. I feel dirty inside for doing it, its not in my nature. He is hardly been employed so I’ve been the one carrying the family. Though he does receive monies from an annuity it’s not enough. It’s hard for me to leave for financial reasons and have literally no place to go. He has places he can go to and family at that. But refuses to do so. I’m trying everything to get extra funds to get out with my kids but I keep falling into the same hole, bills bills bills… I feel lost and I really dont want to die an unhappy person. I 100% know I am no longer in love and haven’t been in years. It’s not fair to my children either. I feel I’m stuck, I can’t afford a divorce!!!! Any advice or sources would greatly be appreciated.
I know it seems like you’re on a never-ending treadmill. I wish I had easy answers for you. Unfortunately, I don’t. (I don’t have that kind of superpower!) The truth is, no one does. But, just because things will be tough financially for awhile doesn’t mean you have to die an unhappy person. It just means that you have to be patient, and you have to plan.
I understand that you have bills. I also know that unexpected bills can keep you down. But, is there a way that you could save just 10% of every paycheck and put that money aside so that you can get a new place and have a few dollars put away so you can take your kids and get out?
Saving 10% may sound impossible. But, if the government raised your taxes and just took the money out of your check, what would you do? You wouldn’t like it, but you would deal with it. You’d have no choice.
Do that with your 10%. Put it away and don’t touch it no matter what happens or how big your bills are. Eventually, it will start to grow.
On the other hand, you may feel like 10% is nothing. You might say that, by saving just 10% it will take forever to put away enough money so that you can get a divorce and move forward.
But, if you had been putting 10% of your paycheck away every week for the last 5 years, where would you be right now?
I know this isn’t easy. I know that, no matter what happens, getting a divorce will take a toll on you financially. But, if you’re really that unhappy, at some point you’ve got to just suck it up and ask yourself how much money is your life worth?
I wish I had better news. I hope this helps.
Karen
I’m in a marriage that has had very little affection over the fifteen years. It finally started to wear on me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve thought many times over the years that we would end up divorced but never thought it would come to fruition. My wife has been unfaithful a few times and I forgave her and swallowed it down and stayed, mostly for our autistic son. We have a friend at our sons school that also has an autistic son. Over the course of four years she and I became best friends and built a relationship that turned into love. We make each other so happy. There’s just a great connection. We fought our feelings for years and finally gave in. She is unhappy in her marriage also. We are both on the verge of divorce. We like to think that we would get divorced for ourselves and for each other. In the end we want to be together but we don’t want any regrets or resentment toward each other so we are trying to do things right. I don’t really want to be alone. Am I better to stay in my marriage or get out and try a new start? My wife says she has a new love for me now that I’m threatening to leave. She is very religious now and says divorce isn’t in gods plan. I’m lost and don’t know which way to go. Please help.
Oh my! It sounds like things sure are complicated!
I wish I could tell you what to do but I can’t. That’s your job. (Sorry!) As for clearing the confusion, though, perhaps I can help a bit.
First, I strongly suggest you get a therapist to help you sort out how you feel and make the best decisions possible for moving forward. There is way more to your situation than you may realize.
Second, while your wife may have found a new love for you, my guess is that the minute she finds you that you’re in love with someone else, her love will turn into hate and all hell will break loose. Whatever happened in the past will get eclipsed by the story about how you cheated on her and caused the divorce. Or, if you stay together for religious reasons, you will likely get your affair thrown in your face in every fight you and your wife have from now until kingdom come.
Third, while you and this other woman might be best friends and more, statistically speaking, relationships that start off as affairs have a higher failure rate than other relationships. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find your happily ever after with this new woman. But it does mean that things may not turn out the way you hope.
The bottom line is that what you’re going through is difficult and complicated. I can’t encourage you enough to get help working this through. Take your time and don’t rush into anything. Also, if you’re interested, you might want to check out this TED talk on why people cheat. It’s enlightening!
Karen
Hello Karen
I have read so many articles and none of them have been more insightful as yours is. To begin I have been married for 13 years now and have two kids with my spouse we married young I was 20 he was 23. We are from Europe so naturally many men from there have different idea of what roles should be in the family. I’ve been struggling throughout our relationship with his constant criticism and judgment to the point that I started believing everything he would say about me and my self esteem became non existent. No matter what I did or said there was always something wrong with it. He was always bread winner in the family and he does work hard have to give him credit for that however everything else not so much. For example I don’t think he changed 6 diapers in both of our kids life. I was always working and taking career of kids and trying to cock clean and do housework at the same time and had no help from him just more negative comments on that I’m either not cleaning Good enough or kids are not behaving right and somehow always ends up being my fault. I figured out that normal people don’t treat others like he treats me and it took me a long time to get that in my head because I was so sure that something was wrong with me and that I’m not good enough in other words I believed him and trusted him. I’ve been in school full time and working full time and taking care of kids and have become so distant from him simply because his negative behavior towards me I just shut down emotionally. Another example of his behavior is that we talk about divorce plan out everything than not even 5 min later he comes tries to be nice and wants intimacy it is like going from one extreme to another and this has been going on for many years I feel like he is playing mind games with me. I don’t know what to do i do want out but just like your article says I have two kids im afraid of financial burden and also being alone but I feel alone now and resentful because he does not do much with those kids anyway. I need some advice please I feel I’m loosing my mind on not knowing what to do.
Let me start by asking you a question: Are you sure you don’t know what you want? Really?
From what you’ve written, it sounds like you are absolutely sure you know what you want. You’re just afraid to do it. While it might seem like I’m playing word games here with you, I’m not.
There’s a BIG difference between not knowing what you want (which keeps you spinning in your head in indecision and frustration) and knowing what you want but not knowing how to do it (which also keeps you stuck, but gives you way more options).
Before I get into that, let me also suggest that part of the reason you’re struggling so much may be that you’re exhausted! If you’re working full time, going to school full time, and having full time responsibilities for the house and the kids, you’re exhausted! That’s a big part of the reason you’re feeling stuck and confused. Without knowing anything else I would venture a guess that if you could get off by yourself for a few days and catch up on your sleep a bit, you would start to see things much more clearly.
So, step one: see if you can get away for a few days alone. Maybe go visit a family member. Do your best to get away for awhile, just to get some perspective.
Step two: Decide what you want. Are you living the kind of life you want? If not, what would your life look like? Let yourself dream. Flesh out that dream as much as you can.
Step three: Look — honestly and realistically — at what you’ve got. You said you’re afraid of the financial burden of being alone. But you’re already working and taking care of the house and the kids. Aren’t you already carrying a financial burden?
Step four: Make a plan. Educate yourself. Start moving forward. And if that’s not realistic, plan what you can do TODAY that can start to move you closer to your goals in time. (And, if you are not 100% sure you want a divorce, now is the time to try marriage counseling or marriage coaching to try to improve your situation.)
I know this isn’t an easy time. But if you can start moving yourself forward, you’ll feel better.
Karen
Hi Karen
I’ve been married for a little over 5 years. My wife and I have known each other since the 5th grade so we have our entire lives as history with each other… but I don’t think I can stay married to her anymore and it is killing me.
I gave up everything for her, so I could move back into my home area to be with her… I gave up friends, my career, everything I had at the time to be with her. The beginning was amazing (like most beginnings can be) but then she started to put everything and everyone else before me. Her friends were more important to spend time with, to the point where I only saw her for passing moments when I got home from work before she went out the door.
On the weekends, she would come home, drunk out of her mind at 4-6am and then pass out, and spend the rest of the weekend “recouperating”… and then wonder why I was frustrated Sunday nights…
We would talk about how this wasn’t just a party behavior, but how it was self destructive behavior, and that she needed to stop. I would do what I could to help, and for a while it would be better… but then it would all start over and everytime it did it was worse.
It got to the point where she was assaulted one night and she didn’t tell me about it until the next day at 4pm (she txted me from the E.R.) and she had been with friends… none of them bothered to let me know either… I’m her husband, I would think I deserve to know well before that… and it got worse… a few months later she went to a concert with some friends, again got too drunk, and then separated from her friends and luckily was taken to a hospital by a police officer who picked her up. But because she was drunk she was violent at the hospital and spend the night restrained… again I didn’t find out about it until later…
I don’t know what to do anymore… these last times I’ve even told her that I can’t do this anymore and that our marriage is now on the line, but it just keeps happening… I’m tired of being lied to by the woman I married, and I’m exhausted by having to be the one that puts her back together when she self destructs, because I don’t have anyone that has been helping put me back together…
I have absolutely no trust anymore in what she says and that our marriage can work… but I’m terrified of hurting her by leaving…
I can understand your fear – especially given the fact that you and your wife have been together for so long. I can understand that you don’t want to hurt your wife. But staying with her when she engages in this kind of self-destructive behavior is hurting you. And it doesn’t sound like your wife is motivated to change.
You’ve already told your wife that your marriage is on the line. Now its time to DO something about it. See if your wife will go to marriage counseling with you. See if she will work on your marriage. See if she will DO anything to get your marriage back on track.
Also, whether your wife goes to marriage counseling not (and if she refuses, that tells you a LOT!), you’re probably going to want to get into individual counseling yourself. You need to start figuring out why you are putting up with this kind of treatment from your wife.
I get that you don’t want to hurt her. But I suspect that there is more going on.
You seem to be focused a lot on what you gave up to be with her. Because you are so upset at the thought of “losing” all that, you’re not able to see what you are losing every single day in order to stay with her. Of course, leaving will suck. It will be hard. And, yes, if you leave you will have lost a lot. But you’re still losing.
You’ve already lost your past. Now you’re losing your future, too.
Finally, know that you can’t change your wife. She has to do that herself. If she doesn’t want to, you can’t force her to change. But you can change YOUR life. You can make a decision that you aren’t willing to live like this anymore. Doing that doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you courageous enough to stand up for yourself and wise enough to know when you’ve done all that you can do, and you’ve had enough.
Hope that helps.
Karen
I’m stuck right now trying to figure out if I should tell my wife that we should get a divorce… I do still love her, but all of my trust in her is gone.
A little back story just to fill you in. We’ve been married for just over 5 years now, but we have known each other since the 5th grade. So we have an entire life of history with each other.
I had moved away after high school, and then later decided that I wanted to be with her, so I literally gave up everything to move home for her. I gave up my life that I had built for myself, my career, friends, people that I had grown to consider family.
When we got married, at first it was amazing… like I think many marriages are, but slowly she started to put everything and everyone else before me. During the work week she would work, then come home and just sleep, and every weekend she would have plans with her girlfriends and go out partying until 4-6am and then stumble home beyond drunk… I don’t have a problem with her hanging out with her friends, but the behavior was destructive. And it just kept getting worse and worse.
We did talk to each other about how her behavior is effecting us, everytime, and she would say that she would stop or slow down and that it wouldn’t happen again. And for a few weeks or a month or two she would… but then everything would come crashing down again, worse than before.
It really came to a head when she was assaulted one night while she was out, and didn’t bother to tell me until the next day. She texted me that she was in the E.R. with a broken nose.. and this was during the work week. I didn’t find out about it until 4pm the day after it happened… that cut me deep emotionally. I’m her husband, I should have been one of the very first to know about what happened, but neither her or any of her friends that she had been with bothered to tell me. I told her then that I couldn’t do this anymore, I couldn’t be the last person on her priority list, and I told her that if something like this happened again that our marriage would be over… she listened.. for a time, but it happened again.
She went to a concert with her friends and got so drunk that she separated herself from her friends, in a city that she didn’t know, fell down and hit her head and couldn’t get herself back up. By some miracle she was picked up by a police officer and was taken to a hospital where she had to spend the night due to severe alcohol poisoning. She had to be restrained over night because she had become violent while at the hospital… and again, I didn’t find out about any of this until the next day when she was released from the hospital…
So that’s basically the story. I’m at a loss… I love her, but I can’t trust anything she says to me anymore because she has been doing this for the entire marriage. She knows how I feel about it, and she says she will change, but I don’t believe her. And because of being lied to for so long and having to go through all of this, I am so emotionally guarded with her that I can’t open myself up to her. We don’t have sex anymore, mostly because I don’t want to because what happens if we get pregnant? I don’t want to bring a child into this world and have to be terrified that their mother there will come home drunk one night and something terrible happens…
Part of me wants to tell her right now that I want out, because it’s not fair to either of us. I’m not happy, and she’s not happy. I can’t trust her, and by not trusting her I can’t give her what she deserves from a husband. But the other part of me doesn’t want to hurt her, no matter how much pain she might have caused me, I know that ending the marriage would absolutely devestate her… but I’ve already been devastated by her. I don’t know what to do…
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
This sounds like a comment I’ve already responded to. I think you just submitted it twice.
Karen
Thank you for this article. I can definitely see myself in many of these points. I have been together with my wife for nine years, but we have only been married for about two. We have one child. This is both our second marriages. I have been feeling stuck for about six years. In fact, before our son was born, I was almost ready to break up. Obviously, I didn’t. I tend to just push down my feelings and make pretend that everything is fine. I am just unhappy overall. I can’t remember the last time my wife has asked me about my feelings or asked how my day was. It sounds trivial, but it means a lot to know that someone cares about your day. She is very negative and not emotionally there anymore. I guess I am not there anymore either.
On the other side though, I love her and don’t want to hurt her by leaving. I just think that the longer we stay together the worse it may become.
I recently decided to start seeing a therapist to talk about this and other issues that I have gathered over the years. Hopefully, that will bring some clarity to this situation.
You’re definitely doing the right thing by seeking help from a therapist. It’s hard to get clarity when you’re in a situation like this. Talking about it helps.
I’m also going to be a little tough on you here.(Sorry! But sometimes we all need a little tough love.)
You don’t just need clarity. You need honesty.
I understand that you love your wife and don’t want to hurt her. That’s beautiful. Really. BUT if you really loved her, you would be honest with her and tell her what’s going on with you and how you feel.
Will that cause a big blow up? Probably. But it also may start the two of you building a more solid relationship.
If I had to guess (and of course I’m just guessing here) I would say that neither one of you have been totally honest with each other for a long time. Both of you have probably been pushing your feelings down. The problem is, feelings don’t just go away if you ignore them. They get buried and they start to fester inside of you like an infected wound. Then they come out sideways and you eventually start to resent each other. Ultimately, when they do come out, they are 100x worse than they were when you first pushed them down. But if you want to heal the wound, you’ve got to clean out the infection.
In addition to talking to your individual therapist, you might want to get a marriage counselor on board. Having honest conversations with your wife will be difficult for both of you. A good therapist may be able to guide you so that those conversations can be productive instead of destructive.
Hang in there! You still may be able to pull this out! But it’s going to take work.
Karen
hi im kinda going through this right now. Been married almost 5 years. was great at first honestly had out daughter a year later. bout 2 years into the marriage he started online . he gave his phone number to these woman and they gave him theirs and their address. They were in different states but still. I tried to talk to him about it but it led to arguements and not talking for 4 months. Now its been almost 5 years of marriage and hes been in contact with his ex fiance many a times and had her here twice in the last couple years. they call eachother husband and wife and how they love each other miss each other want to be with each other everyday they make each other happy. the last few months we dont communicate much dont do things together anymore and its just gotten worse. he smokes more then he used 2 his ptsd, bipolar and manic depression act up more always getting pissed if i wanna talk or anything and with my daughter being daddys girl makes it hard that idk what to honestly do anymore. never wanted to end a marriage but sometimes wonder if be better for me and my daughter cause everything is getting worse as it is and him not wanting to communicate and work out things w me
I have a couple questions for you. What kind of a marriage do you want? How does your marriage now fit with your idea of what you want your marriage to be?
My suspicion is that the marriage you are living in is nothing like what you want your marriage to be. So, now another question: why do you stay? What are you afraid will happen if you leave? Do you feel like you deserve better?
The reason that I ask is becuase the only reason anyone stays in the kind of situation that you have described is either because they are afraid to leave, or because they don’t feel like they deserve a better relationship.
The questions I’ve asked seem pretty simple. They are not. There are a lot deeper and harder to answer honestly than they seem. But when you know the answers to those questions (the REAL HONEST answers) you will also know what you have to do to change your situation.
You might also want to try going to counseling. A good counselor can help you dig to find the answers to these questions and more. (It’s also often covered by insurance.) Try to get to the bottom of how YOU feel. Try to understand what you want. When you start to work on yourself, you will discover for yourself what’s holding you in this marriage that doesn’t sound like much of a marriage. Once you’ve done that, then you will be able to move past it.
I wish you the best.
Karen
hi I’ve been married for 17 years and my husband and I are still together but we’re separated in our own home together. We don’t talk we don’t communicate and when we do communicate it’s just like arguing like we cannot get out a conversation without arguing and it’s so to the point to where I hate to go home I hate to sit around him. If I get off work at 2 I’ll find something to do so that I don’t have to go home until night time and all I have to do is go home and go to sleep. for the first 16 years of our marriage he’s been a drinker a heavy drinker since we’ve been married and that was a lot to deal with because I have three boys and they’ve been watching him drinking all their life. he work he took care of his home you know he paid the bills and all that kind of stuff but he was a drinker and it was hard to deal with him you know with all the cursing and fussing and screaming and hollering all the time it just broke me like I just couldn’t deal with him but I dealt with him because I had three babies and I wasn’t working and I was taking care of my mom and dad and it was just hard for me to move and leave at the time but he got sick recently with congestive heart failure and for the last 4 years he hadn’t worked so I took up the slack up working you know soon as he couldn’t work anymore I immediately got me a job and started working and you know took up from what he couldn’t do and so for those four years I supported my family which was no problem for me I didn’t think twice about it I don’t have no regrets about it it was no problem it was not nothing that I did not want to do. but the problem is he hasn’t had anything to drink in this past year because of his illness. I thought it was the drinking and I figured if he stopped drinking it will get better you know we we had money issues because he wasn’t getting any money so I figured you know he’s the man he’s not getting any money so that’s why he’s being angry. I would always blame something to try to fix his actions but he started getting his money for disability and he just changed drastically like to the point to where now I’m just done because he gets you know Biggity and I’m the man and all this kind of stuff of course he is the man but he’s controlling and he wants me to come home from work cooking something to eat and feed him when he sits there all day long and when I don’t jump for him if I go to church if I go on just to visit a friend it’s a problem I’m not supposed to do none of that I’m supposed to come home and just do whatever I guess whenever he ready or whatever he want me to do I supposed to be there to do it and if I’m not then it’s a problem I’m disrespecting him and I’m with another man and all this kind of stuff and that’s not the case all I do is go to work and go to church and come home but I hate coming home I have a neighbor that I go over her house in the evening time and I just spend time with her until it’s time for me to come home and go to sleep because I don’t want to sit there with him and he sits there and starts argument I’m tired of the arguing it’s just I’m fed up to the point to where I just don’t want to be married anymore and I always struggle with whether whether it was right or wrong I asked him would he go for counseling he said he didn’t need counseling and that if we went to counseling it wouldn’t help because I’m one-sided I don’t listen I mean I don’t know what else to do I just feel like if we do counseling we trying to make something work but he don’t want that he feel like if I just do what he want to do then everything will be alright. He has threatened to kill me or put me in the hospital because he don’t want me to say nothing back to him like he don’t want me to respond to him when he’s talking and I used to stay quiet I used to not say nothing but it’s to the point now that I’m like I’m not going to stay quiet anymore if you don’t like what I have to say then we just going to have to fight it out or we just going to have to leave each other because I’m not going to shut up and let you talk to me any kind of way he disrespects me so bad in front of my children I’m call B and hoes and all kinds of stuff and and that’s in front of my children and I have three boys and I don’t want them to think that it’s okay just because I’m staying I just don’t want them to see that. so it’s just been a sstruggle because I know my boys love there dad but I don’t want them to think its ok
Where to start?
First of all, your personal safety, and the safety of your kids, is #1. If your husband is threatening to kill you that’s not okay! Call the police! If he’s physically abusing you: call the police!
Given what you’ve said, I strongly suggest you contact your local domestic violence shelter/organization. They may be able to provide you with resources and counseling that can help you.
The situation you’re describing is a very difficult one. If you want to maximize your chances for getting out of it in a positive way you need help. It’s not that you’re weak. Anyone in your situation would need help. So get counseling, talk to someone in your local domestic violence shelter or organization. Find out what your options are and what resources you may be able to have access to.
Other than that, I’m afraid I can’t give you any specific guidance. You’ve obviously got A LOT going on, and a lot of issues to work through. Doing that here, on a public website, isn’t a good idea and is not likely to help you in any kind of lasting way. I think you would get better results if you started working with a counselor who could help guide you through your situation on an individual basis. Counselors are often covered by medical insurance. There are also counselors who will work on a sliding scale, so they will charge you less if you can’t afford to pay their full fee. (NOTE: I did NOT say go to marriage counseling. Right now, you need a counselor just to listen to YOU! So go for individual counseling.)
Another thing you might try is going to an Al-Anon meeting. Even though your husband is not drinking right now, he may be a “dry drunk.” Al-anon is a support group for people in relationships with those who have alcohol issues. They could potentially be a great resource for you.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Karen,
Great thread here. Thank you.
I have been married for 15 yrs, and together for 17 yrs. About 7 yrs ago I suspected he’d been abusing drugs including marijuana, but now I know it was probably way before that too. Once I figured out what was going on, I confronted him. He said he could stop on his own. then it got really bad and he was arrested. I tried to get him to get help, but he didn’t. he’s never worked much, never supported the house, family, our 2 kids. I have had up to 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet. Even while he knew we were struggling, and ended up in bankruptcy.
I tried to help him find SOMETHING meaningful in his life, paid for him to become a welder… finally, after 3 times confronting him, I paid for an intervention, and rehab where he only stayed 6 weeks in”jail” as he called it. At that time, I considered filing for divorce, but he begged me to give him a chance.
He came home sober, and after going through another 5 weeks of IOP, he stopped going, quit counseling, and only attended AA meetings 1-2x a week.
Then, the cycle began again. I keep asking, “are you sober, do you need to talk”, etc. to which he denied anything wrong, and he was earning money doing renovations for people and Ubering, but not bringing home money… making exuses. I admit to snooping on his phone, and this revealed the lies. I confronted him recently, but I have been increasingly more and more angry about him disrespecting me and all the things I’ve tried to do for him. He doesn’t even pay for his own vehicle or towards the kids.
When he is high, he fully expects me to provide sex to him as if it is part of the obligation, so I have refused since August. Aside from him being about 250 lb overweight, I JUST CAN’T!! ugh. So, now he suspects I don’t love him, and he has been trying to “make up”… “I’ll change, he says”. A couple weeks back I found out I need a surgery on my shoulder… but I also need a surgery to repair female parts… and I’ve been using that as a pretty good excuse to not … so he was ANGRY that i wasn’t getting the female parts fixed, because THAT is what mattered to him. I made up my mind then and there to finally file…so I am filing.
His LOWS are awful.. stomping feet, slamming doors, yelling at the kids, fits of crying, depression, insomnia…
Now, I know he thinks he love me, professes it daily. I don’t know if he truely knows what love is, or if he just loves his comfy situation and is now desperate to remedy and hang on to the shreds. I don’t understand why, but I STILL am wondering if I am doing the right thing?! every interaction makes me rethink my decisions, and I fear what will happen. I know that I can’t continue to live for the rest of my life in this horrible cycle.
I also, just don’t know how to deliver the words … I can never get my mouth to work and say what I am thinking!!
You are definitely in a challenging position. The problem with an addict is that, unless and until they commit to being sober, and WORK on being sober every single day, they ride the rollercoaster of relapse over and over again. And, as you’ve found, your husband is taking you with him on the ride.
So, what to do?
First, get help! Just as you wouldn’t expect your husband to break free of his additions on his own without help, you can’t expect yourself to break free of a relationship with an addict on your own. It’s hard! What you need to recognize is that the relationship dynamic you are in is a pattern. It’s a cycle. It will repeat itself over and over again.
Can the cycle be broken? Of course it can. But, I have to be honest with you – many people never break it. Will your husband be one of the ones who can break free from his addiction? I don’t know. But that’s not the right question anyway.
The right question is: What kind of a life do you want for yourself and your kids? Question #2: What are you willing to do to get it?
I don’t doubt that you love your husband. But the truth is: love is NOT enough! (Sorry!)
If you want a marriage that works you need a whole lot more than love. You need trust, respect, common values, compatible goals and a strong committment to the relationship. How many of those do you and your husband have? It’s great that your husband says he loves you. What does he do to show it? Has he stayed sober? Has he gotten a full time job? Has he helped support the family?
I know this is hard for you. I get it. That’s why I strongly suggest you get help for yourself. Start goign to Al-Anon meetings. Get a therapist. Start working on yourself! If your husband works on himself and cleans up his act – great! Maybe you two will have a chance. But you can’t control your husband. The only one you can control is you.
Decide what you want. Get the help you need. Take charge of your side of the marriage. When you do all that, things will start to fall into place. You’ll also find the words to say whatever you choose.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Thank you for this. I am in a horrible relationship with my wife of 11 years. We have seen so many counselors, but it almost seems to make things worse. She is so angry and resentful. She is so unhappy with me, and she lets me know it. I feel belittled and dirty and inadequate for working hard and being supportive and being a good dad and bringing her flowers and giving her space and going into so much debt so she can have everything she wants. All she screams at me when she is mad is “divorce” and “give me what I am demanding or I get “50%”! She does it in front of our 2 children, which breaks my heart. She is so angry I get paralyzed. When we have a tough month financially she screams and rants then goes out until 4am and comes home so high and drunk she has to take a day off in bed to recover. I am stable with a great career and she puts me down because of it and takes advantage of me and goes out over and over again and then comes home and berates me for daring to ask where she was or what she was doing. Some times I don’t see her for 3 or 4 days, then she comes back distant and blaming me for being upset. What do I do? Am I going insane? Is this normal?? Our counselor just keeps telling me I am doing great and don’t get a divorce, it’s not worth it. Put up with it. Your are trapped, but it’s better for the kids. You are there for them when she is on a binge. So what do I do? She has structured her job such that she gets a lot of time off – summers off, short work weeks – and makes peanuts for income. So it is all my income. I put myself through university and worked my way through my career, scrabbling for ever thing I’ve got. Everyone says I will lose more than half in a divorce, that she talks about taking me for everything she can. I don’t know who to turn to. The world is not structured to support emotionally abused husbands with good careers. I am so lost.
First of all, No! What you’ve described is not normal. (Just wanted to put that out there from the start!)
It seems like everyone around you is telling you to stay married. That definitely makes getting a divorce more difficult. Not only will you be going through the trauma of divorce, but you will have to deal with social disapproval from those around you. While that may sound like it’s no big deal, don’t kid yourself!
Human beings are social creatures. We want those around us to approve of us. When they don’t, it triggers our most basic survival instincts. (That’s why, in tribal cultures, being outcast from the tribe was THE worst punishment that could be inflicted on you. Being alone in the wild meant almost certain death.)
Luckily, we don’t live in a tribal culture any more. So, while those around you might not approve if you get a divorce, you won’t die if you do. At the same time, that doesn’t mean that getting a divorce when everyone around you is judging you for doing it will be easy. The bigger question is whether it would be worth it.
While it’s not my place to tell you that you should or shouldn’t get a divorce, it seems clear from what you’ve said that your marriage is pretty awful. Normally, I’m a big fan of counselors. But not all counselors are equal. With all due respect to your counselor, I disagree about you being trapped. You’re only trapped if you believe you are trapped. The way I see it, you may feel like you’re in a trap, but the truth is, you have the keys.
That’s not to say that getting a divorce would be easy. Given your wife’s behavior, I would expect your divorce to be as much of a nightmare as your marriage. But, at least with a divorce you are DOING something to try to change your situation.
What would a divorce do to your kids? Again, I don’t know. But what is staying in a family when their mom is always screaming and going out on binges doing to your kids? What are they learning about relationships? What are they learning about life and about how you deal with life?
There are no easy answers. But finding an answer starts by asking the right questions: What do you want out of life? What do you want for your kids? What are you willing to do to get it?
Even if getting a divorce right now isn’t feasible, that doesn’t mean you can’t start putting the pieces in place so that when the time is right, you’re ready to move forward. I know that sounds cold. But if it weren’t for your kids, my guess is that you’d already be gone. If you need to plan things for awhile so that you can make sure they are in the best position possible if you do divorce, you could define that as being cold. Or you could define it as being smart. Your choice.
Finally, even if you stay married, it sounds like you could use some boundaries. Why are you bringing your wife flowers when she treats you like dirt? Why are yu allowing yourself to go in debt to buy things for her if she doesn’t appreciate you? Staying married does not mean being a door mat. Maybe step #1 is learning to say “No!” (and then dealing with the fallout — because there WILL be fallout! But, if you stick to your guns, at least you’ll get your self-respect back.)
Hope this helps!
Karen
PS Get a new counselor.
My wife and I have been married for 8 years now. We started dating in 2006 and got married on Nov 17 2010. When we got married I knew I loved her and knew she loved me. But I just didn’t catches these red flags that her parents and 3 daughters frim her previous marriage weren’t at our wedding. In fact she never told them we got married. Throughout our entire marriage it’s been a battle with my wife’s parents, they do not accept me. They constantly make rude comments towards me and are very controlling towards their daughter.They basically control our marriage. We have 2 boys together which her parents accept but not me. So when the Holidays come around I’m left alone. She takes my kids and we seperate and she goes with her parents and leaves me alone at home.She does this because she says she can’t make her parents like me and she can’t fix it. I’ve explain this to my wife that she is letting her parents divide our family and I’m your husband. She does not seem to get it and blames me and don’t make me choose. I’m to the point of being unhappy in my marriage and feeling alone. My wife says I need to fix it with her parents which I never did anything wrong to deserve this. My wife has already been divorced before because of same reason that her parents had control over of her 1st marriage and would not let her daughter live her personnel life with her husband. Not sure what to do but my wife will not change her ways !
I’m not sure what to tell you, other than that you will never be able to change your wife. The only person you can control or change is you. So, what to do?
First, whether you can make her parents like you or not is an open question. IF you were willing to try, then maybe that would help. (And, forget about whether or not you “deserve” to be the one to have to fix the relationship. That kind of thinking just keeps you trapped.) But, the real issue is not your wife’s parents. It’s your wife. She is the one letting her parents come between you.
If you haven’t tried marriage counseling, that’s an option. I would also suggest that you have a serious conversation with your wife and explain to her how you feel, and how unhappy you are. That might get through to her, too. One thing, though – don’t try to tell her she needs to change. That won’t work, and will likely just make her shut down. Just tell her how you feel and ask her what she thinks the two of you can do to repair your relationship. Then wait and listen to what she says.
Ultimately, of course, if nothing changes the bigger question is how long you can live like this. At some point you will have enough. But if the two of you can get help and start working on your relationship now, you may be able to save your marriage. On the other hand, if you do nothing, nothing is likely to change.
I wish you the best.
Karen
I’ve been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old baby. I’m a govt employee and we live in separate countries. Right after the baby was born our relation has worsen terribly. Mostly because he forced me to stay with his parents and they don’t want me to work. I left to another city with my baby for my job and things got worse because he wants the baby to be with his parents. So he started to force me to quit my job or take a without pay leave. I didn’t agree and he verbally abusive. I don’t earn much to support my baby and myself on my own so he started punishing me by not giving me any money. He insults me, threatens me and talks about getting divorced. But later he says that he didn’t mean that. Now he says that he wants to work on it and tells me to come and stay with him for a few months. I’m not going to leave my job and he blames that I prioritize my job than my family. He is too dominating and pushy. The way he treated me, I don’t feel safe to stay alone with him. He belittles me a lot and I can’t take it anymore. I am stuck because of my baby. I don’t want to lose my baby. In our law, the father gets the baby boy when he’s 7 years old and my husband threatened me that he’ll do everything to take the baby. I don’t want to mess up my baby’s life but I don’t want to spend a respectless life. I don’t even feel like trying to save my marriage. I am scared that if I communicate more to work on my marriage then I have to listen to his insults more and be dominated by him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’ll get better. I can’t live a humiliating life like this but I can’t live without my baby. The only reason I didn’t divorce him yet is because of the baby. I don’t love him, trust him out want to be with him. What do I do?
You’re definitely in a tough spot.
First of all, let me say that I don’t know what country you are in or what the laws in your country say or don’t say. I can say that no state in the U.S. that I know of requires a baby to go to his/her father at 7 years old (or any other age for that matter.) But if you are in a country where that’s the law, then that’s the reality you need to live with as long as you live in that country. (On the other hand, if you are in the U.S. or a country that doesn’t have that kind of a law, then you should probably talk with a local divorce attorney as soon as possible and find out what your options are. They may be different than you think.)
If you are stuck in a country with that kind of law, then the question is, what do you have to do to keep your child? You may have to stay married to your husband until your child is 18. (Sorry!) The bigger question, of course, is, if you live separately from your husband what will stop him from divorcing you before your child is 18? If your husband divorces you I am presuming that he would still get your child. (Again, I don’t know the law in your country, so I can’t say what would happen. But, that seems like a logical conclusion.)
Right now, the best thing you can do no matter where you live is to talk to a lawyer in your area about what your options are. Talk to your family and see if they will stand by you and help you deal with this situation. Having family support can help enormously.
If you are not safe staying alone with your husband, then I don’t suggest you go back to live with him. Working on a marriage you don’t want to be in also seems pointless. But, if your husband really wants to make the marriage work, then maybe he will come to where you live and go to therapy there. If he’s not willing to do that, then that tells you a lot about how much he really wants to work on your marriage.
Finally, since the only thing that is supporting you and your baby is your income, quitting your job is a bad idea. That will make you totally dependent on your husband. Given what you’ve written, that would likely make your situation worse.
I wish there was more I could tell you. But, given your circumstances, this is the best I can do.
Karen
I have been married for 14 years. When we got married, my father inlaw was living with us. He was a good man and I helped take care of him. There was a problem in our marriage when my son was 2 years old. My husband and I kept arguing and we never got out or do any vacation because we couldnt leave my father inlaw alone at home. It did put some stress on our marriage before. Year, 2008, my father inlaw died. There was an adjustment period but it brought us closer. After 2 years, my husband started drinking. When he was 25, he tried to commit suicide but survived. He had alcohol problem during his younger years. When he started drinking again, he eventually became a functional alcoholic. He work as a night manager but nobody knows his secret but me. Everytime he gets drunk, he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. He would text me non stop calling me names while Im working or if im home, he would call me names, scream at me call me all the dirty names. He would also call my family and threaten them. On top of that, he is very insecure, he would call me non stop after I leave work asking me what time ill be home and put a timer on me. He will accuse me of dating even if he knows my routine. Some years ago, when we were having problems with our marriage, I had a guy I know from the past who came visit me at work. He invited me out. I was too vulnerable and went out with him but later on felt guilty that I told him I need to go home. Me and my husband tried to talk it out and made our few confession and my biggest mistake is I told him the guy came to work to see me but told him I didnt do anything with him. Fast forward to present, it was more than 10 years ago, he is still throwing that to my face. I have caught him chatting with several women online and each time I caught him, he will create a new account. I read all their conversation, he introduced himself as a divorced man for 4 years. There are some thats even planning how he can leave me. My husband’s personal expense is higher than mine. I have no vices. I have a routine. Work and home and church but even my church, he has a problem. He became very controlling. Three years ago , I came home and he was partying with his friend. He was totally trashed and wanted to kick me out of our own house. His friend wanted me out too . He thought if im out, they can both live in my house and that friend will not have to live with his parents. Im 46 and my husband is 50. I feel like he is very immature. He never planned on any of our future. Granted that his pay is higher than mine, but I work. I will be honest, I had men flirting with me and several times, I thought of leaving him but decided to stay. We have a 13 year old son who is an honor student. I am scared of getting a divorce thinking I might struggle being on my own and Im terrified that my son will be devastated too. But living with him is like being in limbo. I dont know whats coming when I come home from work especially during the weekend. He thought he is allowed to get drunk since hes working. He thought I have to be greatful because he has a job and he constantly tell m that. Sometimes, he will threaten to kill me if I leave him. He would say it in a joking way but sometimes I get scared because when he drink he turn into a totally different guy. Im not sure what to do. Im extremely very unhappy with him
Step one: get a therapist. You need help sorting through all the things you are going through.
Step two: start going to Al-Anon meetings. If your husband is a functional alcoholic (and it sounds like he is) then you need to get support helping you to deal with that. That’s exactly what Al-Anon does.
Step three: work on yourself. If you have guys flirting with you and you’re thinking of leaving your husband, that tells you something. (At the very least it tells you that you’re really not happy in your marriage!)
If you want to have any chance of making your marriage work, you need to understand your own emotions first. You need to figure out what your own boundaries are and decide how you want to be treated. So first work on yourself. Of course, even if you work on yourself, that doesn’t mean that your marriage will work out. But, once you know what you’re willing to tolerate in your marriage, you’ll also know whether it’s time to get a divorce too!
As far as whether you’ll struggle after your divorce, I can’t say. But aren’t you struggling now?
Finally, I don’t mean to be hard on you, but it’s time to take more responsibility for your life yourself. You said your husband never planned for your future. Did you? Or did you just expect him to do that? (Trust me, I’m not judging you! I’ll personally never know the answer to that question. But, what’s important is that you look at your own behavior too! Why? Because you can control yourself. You’ll never be able to control your husband. So taking responsibility for your life gives you more control over your life.)
I know this time in your life is hard. But you have the power to get through this and to be happy again, if you’re willing to work on it.
Best,
Karen
Hello –
I have been married for 29+ years, I was 23 when I got married, my husband is 7 years older than me. I have struggled with my feelings (or lack thereof) for him for years. We do have a lot in common and spend a lot to time together. He is a really great person, hard working, a wonderful family man and father but he is not a good communicator. I have always been the type of person that needed to talk about “things” and then I can let them go and move on. It has made our relationship difficult and I have become resentful. I have asked him for years and years to show me the way he says he feels about me and explained actions speak louder than words, but he is who he is and even though he tries he and I will never be on the same page when it comes to commmunciation. So over the years I have become indifferent and not longer care if he shows me love or not. Not to mention I am just not attracted to him anymore and I don’t love him the way a wife should love a husband. He on the other hand is madly in love, I am the love of his life, but again he has a really hard time showing it. We have had a tremendous amount of stress in our lives some of which was caused by his failed business and having to sell our dream home, we have also had a lot and I mean a lot of family stress. He was not good at disciplining our two daughters and I always had to be the one to do so. All of this has caused me to lose respect for him. I do not like the person I have become as his wife, we bicker a lot and I am not always kind to him, I just say whatever I am feeling and don’t even think about how it will make him feel. I have stayed married for this long because of our, now grown, daughters and now it is because of our 8 year old granddaughter, she would be so sad if we were not together. I am also worried about not having a partner to rely on financially (I make a very good living and earn more than he does) because we help our daughter quite a bit due to her status as a single mother. In addition both of my parents have dementia, my mother had early onset and now is at the point she doesn’t know her kids and doesn’t really interact with anyone and I am worried I won’t have anyone to take care of me and I do not want to burden my kids. I just don’t know what to do, I feel like I am being selfish in a way. A few weeks ago I told him I wanted a divorce, he is devastated and at the moment we are sleeping in seperate bedrooms, I have to admit I feel a sene of relief. We have been going to counseling, it is just not helping and I don’t feel like my feelings are going to change. So now what?
That’s a great question: Now what?
There are a lot of reasons to stay married. Not all of them have to do with love or “happily ever after.” All the things you’ve listed – wanting financial security, wanting someone to be there for you when you get old etc. – those are all reasons to stay married. (Staying married because your 8 year old grand daughter will be sad if you divorce, on the other hand, is just an excuse. – Sorry!) But the real question here isn’t just about marriage. It’s about life. What do you want for your life?
It sounds like you’re pretty clear about what you want. You’re not in love with your husband. You’re not attracted to him. You can’t communicate with him. You don’t like him and you don’t like yourself when you’re with him. What’s holding you back, then, isn’t “not knowing” what you want. I would also venture a guess that you either know or can figure out what’s next. What’s really holding you back is fear.
That’s totally understandable. Divorce is full of uncertainty. It’s full of fear. But, unless you deal with your fear, and work through it, you will live exactly the life you’re living now. That may be comfortable. It’s definitely secure. But, eventually it becomes soul-sucking. (Sorry!)
All that having been said, it’s wonderful that you want to help your daughter, and your parents. If you get a divorce, you may not be able to do as much for them as you do now. Again, those may be reasons to stay married. They are not, however, things that will ultimately make you happy. If you want to be happy, you either have to change the way you look at your current life so that you appreciate it and are satisfied with it. Or you need to change the life you’re living. Unfortunately, no matter which direction you go, you can’t fake it. If you’re not honest with yourself, you will stay stuck – possibly for a very long time.
The decision you’re facing isn’t an easy one. To make it you need to look inside and do a lot of soul searching, and a lot of work on yourself. When you do, you’ll get your answer. You’ll know what you need to do.
Hope this helps.
Karen
My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have three kids, the oldest is 18, the youngest is 12. My wife takes incredible care of the kids and the home. There has been no abuse and no cheating on either side. But for a number of years, our marriage has been sexless with little affection shown at all. When she stopped showing any interest in intimacy, I withdrew and began using pornography on and off. I have suffered from anxiety for years, but in the last few months it has grown worse. I was on the verge of cheating when I went to my wife and told her. We resumed intimacy for a bit, but then she stopped responding to me citing tiredness headaches. I know I have my share of blame here, and am trying to address that in therapy, but I don’t want to go back to a sexless marriage. I realized it was the affection that I missed the most. I am going to say to her that I think we need to see a counselor. But my anxiety and guilt says to me that I don’t have any valid reason to get a divorce, and that my selfishness will just wreck everyone’s life. Has anyone else been in this situation? It is gut-wrenching. I’ve lost about 20 pounds because of it, weight I could afford to lose. Moment by moment, I’ll go from wanting a divorce to saying that I am being selfish to even think of it. What do you advise?
I can hear how torn you are. Clearly you’re not as selfish as you think. If you were, you would have already left your wife, or cheated on her. You also wouldn’t have bothered to write here.
It sounds like you and your wife could really use a good marriage counselor. I strongly recommend that you try that. You might also want to check out Esther Perel’s course on rekindling desire in your relationship. I can’t say for sure it will help, but it may be worth a try. CLICK HERE to check it out.
Also, I don’t think it’s fair to you to say that you have no valid reason to get a divorce. Says who? What is a valid reason? I’m not saying that you do have a valid reason or that you don’t. That’s not my call to make. But what you’re really saying when you say you have no valid reason to divorce when your marriage clearly isn’t meeting your needs is that you your needs don’t matter. Not only is that untrue, but thinking that way is going to keep you feeling like garbage.
So many people are in sexless marriages. They’re not happy. The thing is – you never know it. It’s not like someone walks around with a sign on their forehead that says “Sexless marriage!” So, just know that you are not alone.
I also suspect that there is more to the story of the state of your marriage than just a lack of sex. You also mentioned a lack of affection. You also said that your wife takes incredible care of the kids and the home. You said nothing about how she takes care of you, or whether she loves you (or whether you love her)! My guess is that there are more problems in your marriage than just a lack of sex. That’s why going to a marriage counselor could help.
I wish you the best.
Karen
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We share 3 children that are 17,13 and 9. My husband has done some hurtful things overthe years that have triggered my PTSD over and over again. I was taped by my best friends brother at 16 and it still haunts me today and I’m 47. My husband has been caught watching rapping and bondage porn (about 15 years ago, off and on for 5 years with a promise each time to never do it again). Got caught talking private message to 2 of his exes and deleted the messages before I could read them and claimed they were just getting closure (after 25-30 years of not being with them). I made a fake facebook and he fell for it and wanted to meet up with this girl (about 4 years ago) and as recent as 2 months ago, I woke up to him having sex with me, which triggered the rape PTSD all over again. I hated having sex with him before then because of our past, but now, looking at him or having him touch me in anyway makes me physically and mentally ill. I have wanted out for so so long and have left a few times but came back because of our kids and lack of finances. I hate hurting him even though hes hurt me multiple times. In the past, when I’ve left, hes cried and I have felt so guilty that I stay. I might also add hed very obsessed and manipulative. He tells me I’m his whole world and he cant live without me. I cannot mentally do this anymore. I’ve tried to find better paying jobs so I can afford my own place, but there is hardly anyone who will hire a 47 year old and pay them well. Please help. I feel stuck. I am trying to play nice until the holidays are over even though I told him i was done after the last incident. I keep pretending things are ok for the sake of our kids but I feel like I’m giving him false hopes. Please help!
You’re definitely dealing with a lot. With Christmas almost here there is not much you can do — except to start working on getting a therapist!
With your PTSD and everything that has happened in your marriage, you need help! So, step one is getting a therapist. S/he will help you work through your emotions and get stronger. Once you get stronger you will be in a better position to make a choice about what to do next.
You also might want to look for a support group. It sounds like your husband is manipulative and perhaps abusive. Having a support group can help a lot. They can be your reality check when you’re feeling guilty for wanting a divorce. They can share experiences and advice with you so you don’t feel so alone.
Finally, pretending things are okay so the kids have a good Christmas has nothing to do with giving your husband false hope. That’s about your kids.
Best,
Karen
I strongly identify with Mistys situation. Been with my husband 11 years. Married 3. 2 kids, 9 and 7. A couple years ago I discovered alot and he admitted alot. Found out he’s a sex addict and had been physically cheating on me almost all of our 11 years. I left with no intention of returning in 2016. Stayed gone 2 months then saw him alot more for getting the kids to him, and from him. The feelings were still there, just so much hurt and betrayal. He apologized over and over and said he was a p.o.s. and never meant to hurt me…. I didnt mention over the years he would get angry and choke me around the neck or slam me around and once gave me a black eye. I hid it all… i kept his secret to protect him and protect him from my familys opinions. Ive been mentally and physically abused and to top it off the cheating really sent me over the edge. Leaving in 2016 was the best thing I could have done but i was sucked back in by thoughts of hope and what could be if we worked together. We went to a certified sex addiction and trauma therapist. With her help we uncovered alot and got some perspective and some amount of healing. We had a disclosure where he told me everything he did. I at the end thanked him but asked for a lie detector test. He got so angry, hit himself in front of the therapist and cussed and said there was more and peeled out in his car. Later he calmed down and agreed to a lie detector test. Alot leaked out before the scheduled test which was more pain… i took on alot of emotional pain I dont think I should have carried… he ended up passing the test… we continued one on one therapy and occasionally couple therapy. Coupled with a betrayed spouse group for me and a mens healthy sexuality group for him. Things were atleast moving towards safety and healing but that wasnt even addressing his anger and potential to get physically violent towards himself( hitting himself in the head or smashing his head on the wall).
The sex addiction and recovery took front seat and for a while we kept our heads above water and forgot to mention he moved back in after just a couple months separated. In August 2017 alot of pent up frustrations and miscommunications came up when I tried placing firm boundaries on certain things. The next say it still wasnt resolved and it led to him yelling at me while i tried to get ready in the bathroom… it ended up he didnt feel heard and felt he was losing control so he choked me with both hands tightly around my neck and said” I’m going to kill you ” I almost passed out but he let go just in time. I got up all my courage and yelled for my aunt to come upstairs to have a witness and told him to get his shit and get out. He finally took me serious after threatening to call the cops. Later threatened to commit suicide in front of the kids…. i knew that time too I needed to stay gone. At this point everything that could be toxic and unhealthy had happened. I knew i needed to stay gone… everytime I would separate I would try and set a firm boundary with no talking unless about the kids… it worked for a minute but then he would call me alot more to talk to them and ended up slowly lowering my boundary and he would talk about us. I started romanticizing the good parts of us and him in my mind and before I know it, hes promising to be better and get help and hes living here again. All of this without even mentioning the tole its taking on my kids.. this is the worst most unstable toxic situation. I hate how he talks to my kids too. I tell him hes being abrasive and yelling and he says he’s not… i know I should not be with him. I for some reason cannot stay away from him though.
1) im afraid to cheat my kids of mom and dad together in the home
2) am I making a mistake? Can i take fuether steps with counseling to work on this?
3)fear of him moving on and me having to meet and see him with another woman… i guess then I know its really over.
This relationship has made me doubt my own decision making skills and i feel so conflicted. I know no one can tell me what to do… i just hate this.
I dont want to he with him. I just want to get through the holidays and get to counseling to see what can be done. A part of me just wants to tell him I’m done now though. Oh… i also should mention i was diagnosed with ptsd and anxiety disorder and this is exasperating it. Sorry…i know im a mess. Merry Christmas.
Oh my! You’ve packed a lot in here!
First, YES! You absolutely need counseling. Christmas is over. It would be wise to start looking for a therapist now!
Second, you might also consider talking to your local domestic violence organization. Ask them for resources. See if they have a support group. What you’re describing goes beyond sex addiction. It is physical violence.
The reason you have such a hard time leaving is because of the psychological affect of the cycle of abuse. You need support to break free from that. I STRONGLY recommend that you find a therapist who is experienced in working with domestic violence victims.
As for your concern about “cheating” your kids of a mom and dad being together in the same home, I understand your concern. We’re all told that being raised by two parents is the best. But, let me ask you a question. What’s more important? Having mom and dad together or having a home that’s safe? Having mom and dad together might sound good, but when being together creates a home that’s toxic, how good is that? What kind of life does that create for your kids?
You’ve raised a lot of valid conserns here. They are big. To deal with them, and really break free, you need help. Don’t wait. Make this your #1 New Year’s resolution.
Karen
Hi. I’ve been married for almost 3 years. But been with my husband for 4. I have messed around on him with the guy that took my virginity. And after I was honest with him about it, he was upset but he forgave me. And when I left town I heard he slept with someone too. I came back and he acted like nothing happened but long story short he finally admitted it and cried like a baby because he said he was sorry. He has known for awhile that I’ve fallen out of love with him. I’m in love with this other man. I can’t help but think of him. The man I’m in love with has treated me badly before by that I mean he has ghosted me, blocked me, unblocked me and now we’re in a good place. But he’s hurt me a lot. This is embarrassing but when he took my virginity he was still married and we talked and FaceTime a lot. And at the time he decided to stay and work it out with his wife and I was out of the picture. I had never had closure with him and that’s when I met my husband but my feelings for the other guy never changed. I just try to forget about it. But it came back to haunt me. He came back up in my thoughts and I messaged him and that’s how the affair happened. Now I’m stuck wanting to get a divorce but not sure if I should. And the man I’m in love with says that if I didn’t have my daughter it would be easier that I could move in with him but he said you have to decide if you’re gonna get a divorce. And he also brought up this time and my husband was my boyfriend at the time , he had cheated on me and broken up with me and I reached out to this other guy and he brought up how when he asked me to move in with him I said no …and I wish I had. Because I’m very unhappy with my marriage. I’m not attracted to my husband, but I care about him deeply. When I think about divorce I cry so much, it kills me inside. I’m also scared what everyone would say because I go to church. I feel sad all the time and my husband knows I don’t want to be with him but he keeps reminding me how much he loves me but I quit saying it back because I’m not sure what I feel for him. Please I need some advice?? What should I do??
Okay. It’s time for a little tough love here. Just remember: you asked!
If I followed this correctly, you’re married to one guy, but in love with another guy who treats you badly. You are not attracted to your husband, but you don’t want a divorce. You are in love with the other guy, but he doesn’t want you moving in with your daughter (who I’m assuming is less than 4 years old.) What should you do?
Honestly, at this point, you need to forget about BOTH of these guys for awhile and focus on figuring out what you want! I’m not saying you should get a divorce. That’s up to you. But you can’t keep bouncing between these two guys thinking that the grass will be greener with the other one. You need to figure out what YOU want, and WHY you have cheated on both of them! What is it that you’re looking for? What is it that you think you will have with the other guy that you don’t have with your husband … and vice versa?
Most importantly: what will be the best for your child?!
Until you figure out what’s going on with YOU, and what YOU truly want and need, you’re not going to be happy whether you stay married or get a divorce. Until you know what you want and need, doing ANYTHING will just turn your world, and your daughter’s world, upside down. And it probably won’t end well. (Sorry!)
So, how to all this figure out? I’d start by finding a good counselor. Focus on understanding yourself. When you do, you’ll know what to do with your marriage.
I know this wasn’t what you wanted to hear. (Sorry!) But I hope it helps.
Karen
my husband and I have been together since college in 2004 and married since 2014. I no longer want to be married to him and in September he told me he wanted a divorce but didn’t mean it. We made up and now I’m pregnant with our fourth child. We argue constantly and when he some times calls me names like stupid and curses me which he knows I hate. I recently found a phone that I knew nothing about where he would text other women and request to “meet up”. It feels like we are just room mates and the love is gone. He ” has his own business” that does not bring in consistent income whereas I work m-f 8-4, but he constantly makes me feel like I’m not keeping the household together and organized, but he does the bare minimum to assist. I am lost. I definitely want a divorce but don’t know how to just come out and say it. I’m not scared of the opinions of others and I’m sure I’ll be fine financially as I have a great support system in my family. sometimes I wonder what is it that I do that can make it better before I pull the plug but it seems like even the small things are magnified. I just want out.
Telling your husband that you want a divorce is hard. It’s even harder when you’ve gone down that road before, and then changed your mind (or he changed his mind.) I also wonder whether starting divorce proceedings when you’re pregnant is a good idea. You probably already have enough to deal with! So, before you do anything, you might want to consider whether you’re truly prepared to get a divorce right now? Can you support yourself and your kids? What happens if you get sick or end up in the hospital with complications due to your pregnancy? Do you have all of your financial paperwork in orders? Do you have copies of everything?
If you want to have the best chance of getting through your divorce reasonably well, you need to be prepared. If you are not fully prepared to divorce right now, then it makes sense to do that now, before your baby is born.
Part of being prepared is preparing yourself. You need to get stronger so that you are able to just come out and say the hard thing: “I want a divorce.” Maybe working with a therapist, or talking with your family, will help you get the courage you need to say those words. You also want to be sure you are ready to say those words. If you’re not really sure you want a divorce, then telling your husband that you want a divorce will be hard. Once you know for sure that’s what you want, speaking your truth becomes a little easier. (Even though it’s still scary.)
Finally, you also might want to check out this article about how to tell your spouse that you want a divorce.
I wish you the best.
Karen
I need to get a divorce. It is literally killing me staying married, as in I feel the only way out is suicide. I don’t want to tell friends and family the reason because it’s embarrassing. My husband cross dresses. He steals my bras, underwear, make up, legggings etc. I can’t take it anymore. We are struggling with bills and can’t pay a huge electric bill and our house is about to be in foreclosure. We struggled to buy Xmas presents and got further behind and I find out he bought more women’s clothing while this was going on. His mother is trying to manage our money and bills and I can’t tell her why we have no money because of this. I also have no other place to live because apartments where I live won’t let me keep my 3 small dogs and leaving them are out of the question. They are really the only thing keeping me alive at this point. But I can’t stand to be constantly miserable. What would be a good excuse/lie that I can keep up with if I ever manage to save the money for a divorce? I thought of going to talk to a therapist about this thinking maybe they could help me deal with it and just stay married but I am too afraid to even say it to their face. Also I can’t stand my stuff being stolen/used all the time and having to buy more. I don’t know what to do ?? I just can’t anymore.
I can hear how stuck you are. I think you had a great idea when you thought of going to talk to a therapist. But, I wouldn’t go into therapy with the idea that the therapist will help you stay married. Your therapy might be more effective if you just go to a therapist with the idea that you will talk things through. Just doing that much will probably take a huge weight off your shoulders. Therapists provide a “safe space” for your conversations. They can’t tell anyone what you tell them. So working with a therapist is a great first step for you to take.
I know that the thought of doing that is terribly embarassing to you. I get that. But from what you’ve written, it seems like your embarassment at telling people the truth is killing you as much as staying married. Once you can get past that embarassment, you may find that moving forward with a divorce, and the rest of your life, will be much, much easier.
Hope this helps.
Karen
I’m a married guy and happy with my wife but I’m affraid about my past which is roughly 15 years back
non sex but physical intimate relationship with a married woman would affect my present married life. I have never been in touch with that woman once we ended it since back 15 years ago.At present im into depression that what are the future consequences of my past due to which I’m not able to live a normal life now but I love my wife and my wife loves me but she doesn’t know my past and I don’t want divorce so how to fix my problem please help
It sounds like you’re trying to deal with your own guilt and a fear that your wife will discover the truth and then divorce you. Given the fear and the inner conflict you’re dealing with, I’m not surprised you are experiencing depression.
To find the happiness you’re seeking you are going to have to deal with your conflict. Unfortunately, that’s not the kind of thing you can dig into on a website. It’s far too personal. A good therapist could help you a lot. You might want to start there.
My fear is not about my own future but her future. I have a job and am quite confident of handling a life after divorce, but I’m not sure how she will get through it. In fact, our marriage in the first place happened because of the same feeling that I had. I mean I kind of pitied her; she always had been an ambitious and hard-working girl that hadn’t achieved what she deserved, and her family did not have the required means to support her too. Consequently, She was desperate and when I asked her to be my partner she offered a marriage which i became hesitant to accept at first -really hesitant for I had never thought of a marriage- but accepted it finally out of previously-mentioned-pity.
At the beginning I was trying to adapt myself to the changes. I found myself in a life restrained by loads of responsibilities, ground-rules, emerged expenses and so forth. I used to tell myself that having a family was necessary at that step of life and I had to pay the costs and bear the burden. Now I should admit that I was lying to myself perhaps because I did not have any idea how to get out of that life, or I thought that it is too soon.
Now that I gathered the courage to think about the idea of a divorce the same old feeling haunted me again. What would be her fate if I leave her? Will she be able to find a job? Where will she live? What will be her mood? Based on our first agreement, we should divide anything in half, and that would provide her with 30,000 dollars. She is getting 38, has a master degree and has not been able to find a job for years.
Please help me with the dilemma that I am facing.
I hear how hesitant you are to leave your wife when you don’t know how she will fare afterwards. On the one hand, that seems honorable. On the other hand, it’s horrible. Hers’ why: as long as you are taking care of your wife (which it sounds like you are based on what you wrote here) your wife doesn’t have to take care of herself. She doesn’t have to get a job. She doesn’t have to take a risk. She doesn’t have to grow. So, while you think you’re holding your wife up, in many ways, you may just be holding her back. (Sorry!)
What should be more interesting for you to figure out though is why you keep doing this. Why did you marry someone out of pity? Why did you stay married when you clearly weren’t happy and found yourself loaded with responsibilities and expenses? Why are you having the same feelings of pity when you think of divorcing your wife now? I don’t know what any of that is all about, but you might want to explore those issues with a good therapist. Otherwise, whether you get a divorce or not, you’re just going to end up in a similar situation again and again until you resolve whatever real issue lies underneath it.
Best,
Karen
Hello, been married for 20 years. We got married young at 18. We both admit that it was a mistake to get married so young. We tell our older children to wait until at least 25. Neither of us have ever cheated, been abusive, abused substances or anything else that would cause major issues. We have been to marriage counseling a few times a few years ago. Read articles and books. We were on the edge of divorce years ago because of “miscommunication”. But as the main money maker of the home I felt trapped in my job that I had for 10 years that I hated for the last 5 years. We have 5 children and a home. I finally had enough and quit my job last month. I have interviews and apps in multiple places. So I know this stresses us out. However my main problem is the negative emotions she has toward me every 2 weeks. It ranges from simple cold shoulders to “we need to have a talk”. Now sometimes this happens multiple times a week and sometimes it won’t happen for a month. Average of once per 2 weeks. I didn’t get married to someone and poor my life and soul into them just to have them irritated with me every 2 weeks. I myself have become uncomforting toward her complaints now because I’m drained. I want to separate for this reason. But I don’t necessarily want a divorce. But I know if we keep living how we are going, then both of us will be miserable. I told her that once I find a new job that we need to visit separation. She seemed a little upset but at the same time, willing to go through with it because she is also tired of our current living situation (emotionally). I feel like this means we just need to get a divorce. Even though I want to cry just thinking about it. I’m very confused and hate this feeling. I want her to be happy and I know it’s not with me. I want to be happy also, but not sure if divorce will make me happy. I personally do not ever want to be in a relationship again, too much drama. Does it bother me to think of her with someone else? Yes of course. But only because I feel like I failed to make her happy. Maybe a little upset that she is with someone else besides me, I’m sure that feeling will fade. She has been the only person I have ever been with, and from the ages 18-38… she is my life. How do I just give that up? So very confused. We aren’t on speaking terms at the moment and don’t think we ever will be again. Well, not “real talk” anyway. Just the typical day to day remarks about kids and dinner. I’m emotionally exhausted and so is she. We don’t have enough in our tanks to try and pull through this one. We have before and thought it would just make us stronger. I think we have both changed a little bit and we no longer have things in common, nor share the same interests. I want a girl who gives quality time and she wants a guy to do all her chores. Yes we read the 5 love languages years ago and have tried to understand each other. It worked for a few years, but again… we have changed. I’m so so sad and scared. Haven’t found a new job and my marriage I fear is over. I know I will have a new job eventually. But still uncertain. I don’t really know why I’m writing this, I guess maybe some encouragement or advice. Obviously advice is hard to give over the internet on a reply.
Oh my! I hear how sad you sound right through the digital waves!
Okay, first things first. When you’ve got two major life stressors going on at the same time, it makes both of them seem worse. It’s easy to get down and feel overwhelmed. So you might want to try to focus on one thing or the other and just let the other issue ride. Economically speaking, it probably makes sense to focus on yoru job.
As for your marriage, I’d suggest another round of marriage counseling, but I don’t know if you’re up for it. You might also try discernment counseling, which is a special type of counseling designed to help you and your wife decide if you should stay married or get a divorce. It is limited scope counseling and can be very effective.
You also might want to try a trial separation. If you do that, though,don’t do what most people do and just separate. You need to talk with your wife first, and clearly set up the rules surrounding what will happen during your trial separation. You both need to be clear about what the purpose of the separation is, how long it will last, etct. etc.
Finally, I can hear that you are discouraged. I can understand why. But, don’t give up. I know you think you’ll never be happy again and that you never want another relationship again. But, one way another, you WILL get through this. You just need to refill your tank a bit so that you can start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Whether you find your happiness with your wife, or somewhere else, I can’t say. But you will be happy again.
Hang in there!
Karen
PS With all you’re going through, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if marriage counseling doesn’t seem like a good option for you right now, you can always try individual counseling. At least that gives you someone to talk to.
Hi Karen,
First off, thank you very much for this post as it’s super helpful! Secondly, thank you for taking the time to respond to others that are in a difficult situation. You are awesome.
OK, so here’s my “thing”:
I’m a 35 year old man and I’ve been with the same woman since the ripe old age of 15. Yep, she is my high school sweetheart, and yes we have been together already for 20+ years! We grew up together. We went through all of our childish ups and downs together. Throughout the years though, I always felt that she and I never really truly “clicked”. I always found myself being the one who patched up the relationship and essentially always reeled her back in. I like to say that I always did my best to fit a square peg into a round hole. Fast forward to 2010 when we had our first child. When this occurred I was both happy and panicked (there’s a lot to the reasons why and I’ll spare the details). My panicked state caused me to think about what the hell I was doing? Why was I making a life with this woman that I always felt “iffy” about? Even though I do care for her deeply and love her, I don’t know if I love her that way anymore. So long story short, I unfortunately looked for solace somewhere else. I ended up leaving her just days after having our child and going off with a woman from work. In this time period I supported her and our baby, but I just wasn’t THERE. That lasted about 2 months. I hated myself for doing that in that way, and I came back. More importantly she took me back.
In 2016 once again, we had a major fall out. I felt neglected by her in multiple way for a long time. I give her everything. I support her lifestyle. I allow and provide for every major life decision she bestows upon us and every controversial decision we come to with our children (i.e. homeschooling, vaccinations, organic foods, favoring her parents over mine, etc, etc). At this moment in time we had 2 kids and I threatened her with divorce. I felt it was the only way to get her attention. I wasn’t with anyone, but I had convinced myself that being alone was better than being with her. That I could address my own issues, find a way to peace and be with my girls in a happy place. Eventually we stayed together and “made it work”. I wanted to truly be happy again, but fast forward once again to today where now we have 3 kids and even though I WAS OK, I come to find out that my wife never repaired from 2016, she was speaking to another man on social media which is a parent of a child that comes to homeschooling group events at our home, and she was talking about “i miss you”, “our timing is always off but one day it won’t and we won’t look back”, “my husband is a piece of sh*t”, “would you be my hero”, etc. Around that same moment in time I was also chatting to a woman on twitter that lives all the way in England. Her and I hit it off big time. She’s great. She’s very pretty. She’s just different. I realize I’m a sucker for saying these things and that I have the “other woman” beer goggles on, but it is what it is.
After all of this I realize one thing and it’s my main query: I have a major void. I believe that I’ve come to a point in my life where the decisions I’ve made in the past are starting to haunt me. I feel that the fact that I didn’t LIVE and experiment at a much younger age has hurt me big time. My loyalty to her as a child has now started to affect me. Is there are real way to move on beyond this? I do love her and I do care for her. Though I have A LOT of issues with her and things that she’s done in our past that have shaped my views on her as an individual, I believe the issue isn’t truly HER per se. I think the problem IS ME. I’m lacking something and I don’t know if she can ever fill this void………However, I don’t want to be selfish and hurt my kids in this process. I feel stupid for feeling this way. Any advice or experience on something related to my situation would be a world of good for me.
Thank you so much for your time Karen!
So, here’s the “thing” about your “thing”…
You’re looking for happiness and telling yourself that you have this “void” inside of you. You asked if she could fill it. Let me save you a lot of looping around in your head. The answer is No! She can’t. The problem is that no other woman can fill that void for you either. Not the woman in England, or any other woman (or man) you meet. The only person who can fill the void that’s inside of you is YOU! What’s more (here’s the hard part) it’s your responsibility to do exactly that.
No one else is ever going to make you feel as loved as you want to feel unless and until you love yourself that way. Now, I know I just went a bit “new agey” on you here, but hang with me.
Think back to when you first started dating your wife, way back in high school. Be totally honest. Try to think the way you thought back then. (If you saved any old love letters from back then, dig them out and read them.) How did you feel about your wife then? My guess is that if I would have asked the “you” who existed then, or even the “you” who existed on your wedding day, if you and your wife “clicked,” I would have gotten a very different answer from what you said today.
Why does that matter? It matters because, like every other human on the planet, you are telling yourself things about how you used to feel that may not be 100% true. (Don’t feel bad. EVERYONE does it!) We change the way we look at the past based on how we feel in the present. The problem is, the more you start feeling like you and your wife “never” clicked, the harder it becomes to change your relationship. The more you tell yourself there is a “void” inside of you, the more you start looking for someone else to fill that void. While you may find someone who fills that void for a while (especially someone whose very pretty and lives an ocean away where you don’t have to deal with her on a day to day basis) eventually, she will disappoint you too. (Sorry!) But the reason has nothing to do with her. It has to do with you.
YOU need to look inside of you. You need to be honest and real. Your marriage is in trouble! And now you have 3 kids!
Should you stay married or get divorced? That’s not my question to answer. But, it seems like there are issues in your marriage that neither you nor your wife have had the courage to face or deal with.
Now is the time. Get yourself into marriage counseling. Get yourself an individual therapist. Start working on your issues, whatever they are. Do the hard work – the work inside yoruself. Learn to love yourself, with all of your flaws and human weaknesses. (Again, this isn’t an attack on you. I have flaws and weaknesses too. It’s part of the human condition.) When you start working on YOURSELF your marriage will change.
Will that save it? I don’t know. But whether it does or not, you’ll be setting yourself up to find happiness in the long term.
Hope that helps.
Karen
I’ve been married to an amazing man for 7.5 years now. He’s of wonderful character, and has been a provider and a good father to our two boys (ages 5 and 2). He’s provided me with what I thought would make me truly happy: a nice big home in the suburbs of an affluent community, comfort, financial security. He is very practical-minded with the future always on his mind (retirement). I was chugging along and everything was “fine.”
Three months ago, I met someone at my workplace. It almost seems as though this person fell in my lap as I didn’t think anything “wrong” with my life other than a something deep down inside me that was truly suffering in some way (although I couldn’t place it). I wasn’t looking for this. We engaged in several months of email exchange and I felt an instant, deep connection to this person. The way his brain works… His thoughts… He truly gets me… my soul. What he wants out of life completely matched me. The more I wrote to him, the more self-realization I feel I was going through. About what my life needs are… wondering why all that I have isn’t satisfying me. I love my children and have love for my husband… but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t transformed into an appreciation/friend/co-parent/family kind of love. I feel like I’ve emotional detached… I look at him differently. I confessed my emotional affair and now that the explosion has settled, he wants us to work on our marriage and “fix” things, as does everybody. He is truly a practical Mr. Fix-it. We went to marriage counseling and I poured my heart out about my deep emotional needs. None of it had to do with our marriage, it was all about me and how uncertain I am about the life I now live. Almost like I’ve just been a passenger in his train, living in his “perfect” man shadow… The man I fell for: has two children of his own who he loves and serves and has a great bond with–he just left his wife (they went to counseling, too)… he tells me not to feel any pressure, ever… and that he will love me and give me everything he’s got if I do choose to be with him. He is fully aware of what would be to come: the pain, the financial stress, all of it, but that we would make it through together. He and I do believe we are soul mates… that he has never been so sure of anything in his life. I have so many pressures all around me, but there is also so much love. I have amazing, respectful, loving in-laws who I know would do everything in their power to keep things loving and peaceful and they are so very close to my children (as are my parents). I wouldn’t dream of taking my children away from my husband, or running away with this person (which is not at all what I’m contemplating), or any of that… I don’t want any ugliness and I don’t want to take anything from my husband (I want him to continue living in the house he worked so hard for, for my boys to be able to continue living there and attending that school… I just want equality). Some days I wake up and think, “what in the world am I doing? Is this real life? My actions are about to “ruin” so many lives…” and some days I wake up and it’s crystal clear to me what I want out of life — what would fill my soul with life–stopping and smelling the roses, being more present, not living life waiting for the “next” thing… and the thought of trying to “turn back around” at this point and “work it out” and just get on with life and ignore my feelings… also fills me with fear… that I’ll be 65, sitting in my nice house on my nice furniture, talking to people I have nothing in common at some frilly neighborhood social event, wondering… what if?
That’s the interesting thing about life. You never know what WOULD have happened if you had chosen a different path, or made a different decision. All you can do is your best.
Unfortunately, as you rightly noted, if you choose to leave your husband, that decision will now affect many lives. That doesn’t mean that you need to stay simply because of all those other people. But making a decision without thinking about the effect your decision will have on others – especially your kids – is also unwise. Like it or not, no matter what you do, you will have to live with your decision, AND the effects it has on others (because both decisions will affect others).
I’m also a little confused by what you wrote. At one point you said that you’re not thinking of running away with this other person. But you’re also afraid that, if you don’t do that, at 65 you’ll be wondering “what if?” So, it sounds like you really haven’t decided what to do yet.
Under the circumstances, you might want to start working with a therapist or a counselor. You need to get to the bottom, not just of what you’re feeling, but WHY you’re feeling it! You said that some days you’re crystal clear about what you want. But yet you haven’t done what you want. Why? Yes, I understand that it’s complicated. But that’s why I’m suggesting that there may be more involved here that you need to work through. Whether you do that with the help of a good therapist, or just a lot of introspection, doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you do the hard work and dig deeper.
The answers are all inside of you. Finding them will give you the clarity you’re looking for.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Dear Karen,
I am a 50 year old white male married to a 47 year old Asian woman for three years. I have been stuck/paralyzed with indecision over continuing this marriage for over a year now. (Not really stuck, but terrified of making the wrong decision). First the good. She is a kind woman who is extrwmely domestic, cooking every night, cleaning etc.If I am sick, she is sure to show abundant concern and take care of my needs. On the negative side, our communication is almost non existent as she has limited English language skills and shows almost no desire to improve in this area despite my repeated requests she does. We have literally gone days without any communication more than “what do you want for dinner?” Emotionally, we have very little bond beyond what you would expect from friends or roommates. We have not been physically intimate in over one year as I am no longer mentally attracted to her at all. To her, sex is an unclean, robotic process used mainly solely for the sake of procreation. She did not exhibit this behavior until about a year after marriage.
I foolishly entered into this marriage to satisfy my need to cure loneliness rather than out of being in love (which has not changed). This marriage is mind numbingly comfortable on a daily basis but completely unfulfilling. I do not see a long term relationship, but I am terrified at the thought of an uncomfortable future.
Hoping to get your perspective. Should I stay or should I go?
I wish I could answer your question, but it’s not my place to tell you what to do. What I can tell you is that NOT making a decision IS a decision. (I know. Sorry!)
At this point, rather than spinning in your head over what you should do, you might want to get help. A good therapist or coach could be instrumental in helping you figure out what you want and what you’re willing to do to get it.
Unfortunately, everything in life has a price. There is no such thing as a “free lunch.” If you decide that you want to make your marriage better, then you’re going to need to work on it. (Yes, your wife will need to work on it two. But the ONLY way to be successful is if BOTH of you put in the work and BOTH of you are willing to change.) Can you build your “comfortable” marriage into a relationship that’s fulfilling? I don’t know. It’s possible. But the ONLY way you will know is if you try. That will show you if there is enough of a relationship left to save.
On the other hand, if you decide you’re going to go for a divorce, you’ll need to work on that too! (Again, sorry!) But, as anyone who’s ever gone through a divorce can tell you – it’s work! And, again, it comes with no guarantee that you will end up happy, or even in a better place than you’re in now.
The bottom line is that either way, building the life of your dreams isn’t easy. Neither is deciding what your dream life will look like. But staying stuck is the one thing that will guarantee that you’ll never ever get what you really want.
Hope this helps.
Karen
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i have been married for 18 years and now i have found out my husband has been a serial cheater. i have been devastated. i have tried to forgive but i keep finding out more things which means he has done more than i thought. i now what a divorce but im so frightened as he is the breadwinner. what can i do to regain confidence as i have lost that totally.
If you want to regain your confidence a good place to start is by working with a therapist. You’ve got to start processing all of the crazy emotions that I’m sure you’re feeling so that you can get past them. I also suggest you make a plan for getting yourself financially independent as soon as you can.
I realize that may not be easy. It may take time. But it will be totally worth it.
As long as you are depenedent on someone else, financially or otherwise, you give that person your power. It’s time for you to take your power back! That means finding a way to support yourself, financially and emotionally! That’s why making a financial plan and getting yourself back into the work force as soon as you can is so important. Plus, the truth is that, unless you’re independently wealthy, you’re going to have to find a way to support yourself after your divorce anyway. The sooner you start doing that, the better off you will be! (Unless, of course, you want to stay married to a serial cheater!)
I hope this helps!
Karen
I want to divorce but I dont dare to I send things to her email about divorce but she thinks its someone else’s screwing around with her
I look up single woman trying to hook up with them hoping I can be happy with were I am in my life and marriage I just need out I need to be single again
Hooking up with single women when you’re still married is not likely to bring you any kind of lasting happiness. Perhaps you should consider getting divorced first and then dating. It usually works better that way.
I have been married almost 18 years. A few months ago I noticed my husband checking out of our marriage so for the past few months he claims he wants to work on things but I’ve seen no actions instead he tells his brother on a constant basis he is unhappy and wants to leave. I don’t have the best relationship with his brother because he has used and stolen from my husband so of course his brother is not opened minded instead encouraging him to leave. I have started counseling 3 months ago and begged him to go countless times but he says he cant talk to me so how is he going to talk to someone else. I have tried talking and encouraging communication but I get nothing. Just last week I thought we were improving because we had a great conversation leaving both of us crying but two days later the same stuff started again with being unhappy and wanting to leave. He makes about $9000 a month nearly 3.5x times what I make and he is using that as a tool to stay meaning he is afraid of losing his money. He turned 50 last year and that is when I noticed him slowly starting to check in out so I am not sure if that is causing some of our issues or not. I am lost at this point and want to fight for my marriage but I see this as a losing battle and not worth it. I have battled blood pressure issues because of this ending up in the ER once and now on antidepressants. Not sure how to proceed. His father in recent weeks took an ill turn and I feel heartless for worrying about my material issues as sick as his dad is but how long do I let the circle continue?
How long do you let this continue? That’s up to you.
From what you’ve written, your problems only started a few months ago. Leaving an 18 year marriage for a problem that you haven’t been able to work out for a few months seems premature. On the other hand if things haven’t been good for longer (which is what I suspect) that’s a different issue.
A good therapist could help a lot. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone go to marriage counseling. Even in cases where you ARE able to force someone to go to counseling, you can’t make them participate fully and authentically. You can just make their body sit in a room with a therapist. That’s not particularly helpful.
Also, as you said, now might not be the best time for your husband. If his father is really sick, he may be focused on that rather than on your marriage. Trying to force him to pay attention to the marriage while he’s worried about his father will not improve the quality of your relationship. On the other hand, letting things go for too long can be bad as well.
You may try to have an honest conversation with your husband at some point about what you want and what he wants. If he won’t communicate, and he won’t go to marriage counseling, you might try getting him to go to discernment counseling. That is a specific type of counseling that’s focused on helping a couple decide whether to stay married or get a divorce. Often people who aren’t willing to go to marriage counseling ARE willing to go to discernment counseling.
Other than that, you can also try to save your marriage by working with a religious adviser, or going to a couples retreat. But until you get to the root of whatever the real problem is, you will probably continue to have issues in your marriage. (Sorry!)
Finally, it’s a good idea to stay in counseling yourself. That will help you no matter what happens.
Best,
Karen
Wow! You truly are an angel for helping so many people with your insight and such beautiful thoughtful answers/questions. Thank you!!
I have only been married for almost two years. I have a really difficult stepson (50/50). We have totally different parenting skills. My husband is very lazy and just wants to be a kid. He had a good heart and he is funny, but that isn’t keeping me anymore. He is ADD and terribly with money and I’m OCD and frugal. I’ve constantly provided so much for him and I’m done being his bank! I was blessed with a grandfather who left me enough money for a house that I unfortunately put in both of our names. (We both make about the same money). He barely mowes or does anything to put sweat equity in unless I pretty much beg him. He is a slob to live with and it gives me constant anxiety. My stepson has gotten better than before, it was terrible as he was diagnosed with ODD, but his age and therapist have helped. It still doesn’t change the resentment in my heart for the hard times he put us through and how his father is and we just don’t mesh well. He brings out the worst side of me and I work such long hours because I’m a happier person at work. I’ve become miserable and on edge all of the time. We barely have sex and he cant be happy either but I’m sure he enjoys the financial part making life easier and will not want to give that up. My life is not how I ever envisioned it and I married him because my family loved him and not for me. I dated him before and broke up with him and got back with him after a year or so because I felt bad and ending up marrying him.. not smart I know. Now I’m kicking myself in the butt for it. I hate to hurt him and my stepson but I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to go therapy because my mind was made up after I had a bad anxiety attack (haven’t told him yet) and so I know my health is being affected now and I haven’t been “in love” with him probably ever just thought he was a good guy. I don’t know how to tell him without killing his soul. Help!
Oh my! I can hear how conflicted you are. It’s wonderful that you want to be sensitive to your husband’s feelings. However, if you don’t acknowledge your own feelings, you’re going to end up getting so frustrated, angry and anxious that you just blurt out, “That’s it! I want a divorce” probably in the most insensitive way and at the worst possible time. (Sorry! But, you’re human, too! Trying to keep everything in generally doesn’t go well.)
I think the best answer to this question is to check out this article: How to Tell Your Spouse That You Want a Divorce It’s got a lot of tips and ideas in there that you can use.
Hope this helps.
Karen
I have been married for 13 years. Am now into my 4th year of an unhappy and stressful marriage. My husband has had mental health issues, leading to depression, anxiety, mood swings, irrational thinking, self-medication etc… He has been unemployed for the most part of those 4 years, but doesn’t want to get any job as he is too proud. I am the bread winner and also mostly take care of the kids and household affairs. He was on mood stabilizers before but not anymore. In January, he got let go. Since, he is easily triggered into rage. Especially the past 2 months. He often stonewalls, and becomes defensive and angry when I disagree with him. I tell him I am hurt and sad, and he hangs up on me or just not hear me. He wouldn’t apologize for his rage. I have been reading about high conflict personalities, and he fits into the narcissist and borderline personality disorder category. I feel that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. He has made or insinuated threats in his rage, saying it would be my punishment. We are not a partnership. We don’t do anything S a couple. We don’t socialize with any other families. It is a lonely marriage. I have been thinking of divorce for 3 years but am stuck out of fear. Fear of not having the energy to fight. I work full time in a demanding job and when I come home, am a busy mom. I fear he will fight as he has that high conflict personality and history of fighting people he feels have done him wrong. Fear of what will happen to the kids (10 and 7 years old), should they witness an ugly divorce. And most of all, fear of not having the kids live with me most of the time once we separate – I wouldn’t want share parenting and feel I should have them as I am currently the primary caregiver and they mean everything to me. He can be very unreasonable and uncooperative, and I feel he will fight no matter what. I was hoping things would get better, and they did for a bit, as he had some work last year, so that put him in a better mental space. But now that he is unemployed, he is mean and vindictive. He acts like he hates me at times.
I’m so sorry. I can understand your fear. Here is the unfortunate truth: if your husband has a personality disorder, you can’t change that. He will be who he is whether you stay married to him or get a divorce. So, if he is high conflict now, he will be high conflict when you divorce. (Sorry!)
So, the only question is whether you are willing to live through a divorce in order to have a chance at a better life. It’s a difficult question.
I strongly suggest that you start by getting some support for yourself. Get a good therapist. That will help a lot.
You also need to start learning as much as you can about divorce. You NEED to make a solid plan. You need to know your options so that you can choose the best one. And you need to do all of that BEFORE you start a divorce!
If you’re interested, you might want to check out the Divorce Road Map Program. It’s an online program that will give you the basic knowledge you need about divorce so that you can make a plan and prepare for what lies ahead. You can watch the videos and work through the program anywhere and any time you want. That will help you prepare yourself for what lies ahead, and save money on lawyer’s fees in the process.
Of course, no matter what you do, this doesn’t sound like it’s going to be easy for you. But that’s why getting yourself stronger and more prepared will be the key to getting through this in the best way you can.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Your articles are very helpful, thank you for posting. Here’s my situation in a nutshell. Married 13 years, three elementary aged kids, I’m 37 he’s 39. I primarily stay at home. He’s an angry person, always has been. Very negative, judgmental, opinionated and emotionally closed off. I’ve had issues with intimacy (I reject him, and we’ve had dead bedroom for 3 years now) and things have come to a head recently. He’s “done with our relationship” but won’t end it because he does not want to “leave the kids”. He’s stopped communicating with me on every level for the past 4 months other than an occasional word about the kids. It’s obviously affecting them too. I’ve suggested counseling and he says it’s too late. In my mind we have two choices, to work on our relationship or end it, not to continue living separate lives under one roof. He fully blames me 100% for the situation we’re in and gets angrier as each day (week, month) passes. He says it’s more important for the kids to have their dad in their lives than to shatter their entire world by divorcing (new school, new home, new friends). I disagree, I feel it’s more important for them to have two happy but separate parents than to live in this tension filled environment that’s surely confusing the heck out of them. Ideally I’d love to work on our marriage but even I, the optimist, am not sure it’s salvageable. I feel intimidated. He has access to a lot of money, I have very little and he made a comment about him being prepared for things to get nasty. That scares me beyond words. He’s a good provider for the kids but does not have a super close relationship w any of them, honestly. He said things will eventually resolve themselves, not meaning we’ll reconcile but that we’ll someday go our separate ways. Im thinking I should return to work and start earning my own income for now. But how do I keep some money for myself without going noticed. How can I level the playing field of finances when it comes to paying for counsel? Is it true that he holds all the cards since he has unlimited resources to pay for representation? And what do I tell my kids who are asking why mommy and daddy aren’t talking for months. It’s so awkward. I recently started seeing a therapist to guide me but the only thing I’ve learned was to use “I” statements rather than “you”’statements. Not much help yet, he’s too angry to see or hear anything but red. I’m sad, angry, scared and confused and doing the best to keep myself together for the kids sake.
Oh my! There is so much in what you wrote. I’ll do my best to address what I can.
First of all, while some divorce lawyers would disagree with me, I think that everyone needs to be able to support themselves. Getting a job right now might affect the amount of support you would get if you divorced. So you definitely need to talk to a divorce lawyer about your options before you do anything. (Btw, nothing I say here is or can be legal advice. So talk to a lawyer!) BUT, since you’re only 37 you’re probably going to have to support yourself at some point! Again, while I can’t give you legal advice, it seems unlikely that if you get a divorce now, your husband will be supporting you for the rest of your life.
As for how you can level the playing field, many states have laws that require the spouse with the money to pay the other spouse’s attorney’s fees. That’s definitely something you want to ask a good divorce lawyer in your area.
Finally, it’s great that you have a therapist! Having support when your marriage is in trouble is so important. Perhaps you can get some guidance from the therapist about how to effectively deal with someone who has anger issues beyond just trying to use “I” statements. If your therapist can’t help you with that, perhaps a different therapist can.
Hope this helps!
Karen
PS Just because your husband blames you for everything doesn’t mean you have to accept that blame. It’s his. Let him have it. Let him keep it. You’re not going to change him. But that doesn’t mean you have to agree with him, or that YOU have to blame yourself for everything. Own what’s yours. Leave what’s his to him.
I’ve been married to 8 years and been living together with his family under one roof with his brother and his brothers wife, I have father in law and mother in law, they are nice don’t get me wrong.
But things been going very bad, my father in law never appreciates my husbands hard work, instead he calls my husband stupid for not understanding anything, my father in law is more close to his second son and appreciates his hard work.
I don’t like it and I can’t even talk to the straight! My mother in law is beginning to lie so much about me and that makes my father in law mad at me and my husband for something o haven’t done! I’ve been telling my husband to please let’s move out with our two daughters and I cannot deal with this! I have high blood pressure, losing so much weight, and I’ve been diabetic for over 25 years! My husband is so dependent on his parents! He doesn’t listen to me and it is ruing our marriage!
I can hear your frustration! Unfortunately, you can’t force your husband to move out. You can, however, decide you’ve had enough and move out on your own. I know that may not be what you want to do. Maybe you can’t afford to do it. But, if your living situation is making you physically sick, then you may not be able to afford NOT to do it!
You may also want to start by getting some support. A good therapist may be able to act as a sounding board for you. S/he may be able to support you and help you work things through in your own head. Plus, therapists are often covered by medical insurance. So that makes getting one a bit easier.
Hope this helps.
I have spent days reading through everyone’s stories. I have done endless research looking for that answer I need but it doesn’t work that way. You do an amazing job reaching out to everyone all these years, you truly do great things.
I feel like I know so much of what I should probably do but just can’t seem to follow through. With all my research I am realized my husband is emotionally unavailable and borderline emotionally abusive.
I been married for 17 years with 3 teenage kids. When we got married I was young, had several crummy relationships and one very physical and emotionally abusive one that basically killed all of my confidence. My husband was the “nice” guy. I knew he would be a great family provider and never “hurt” me like I had been before. After a few months of dating I found out I was pregnant. We decided to do the right thing and get married so we really didn’t date long. When we met he worked a full time job and was just starting his own business. I focused on taking care of the kids and the house. All seemed good. After years I realized how different he and I were. I was more emotional, carefree, funny and a big people pleaser. He is a workaholic (like on his day off he’s still finding something to work on), not emotional, quiet, serious and pretty negative. We rarely do anything together. Maybe 2 times a year we go out on a date, basically when I ask and many times I can tell he doesn’t want to be there. I love doing things new and going places, he has no desire to do any of that even with the kids. I am an emotional/affectionate person. 90% of the time whenever I go to touch him he pulls away from me unless he is wanting sex. I spent years saying I need to accept him for how he is. He’s not a horrible person and it could be worse. But he doesn’t want to put forth an effort to meet me part of the way. He doesn’t understand why I want that physical contact, don’t think we have kissed in over a year. We are not close emotionally at all. He’s not supportive of me. I tried to help out with his business but we fought so much because he would talk down to me that I had to put an end to that, I thought it would be a way to spend more time together but it just made things harder. Needless to say he still has his job and business and there’s not much time together. I feel like over the years with lack of any real time together we have just grown apart. He told me this once before that we just seem to have separate outlooks on life and it’s true. I try to be more positive in hopes it will turn him around but it doesn’t usually. I ask him about work and his day or whatever in general. He never asks me about mine. When I tell him about my day he doesn’t say much besides that sounds boring. I try to point out good things he does, he points out what I don’t do right, he never tells me anything positive or supportive. I am in good shape and work hard to keep it up and he never tells me I look nice just that I could be spending my time doing other things. If I tell him something isn’t working the first thing he says is what did I do wrong to break it. If I tell him about a promotion at work he’s not happy for me. Once he told me he thinks I was being set up to fail. I don’t really have friends to do things with and when I do go places he questions me like I did something wrong. Years ago I realized how much this was bothering me when I was finding myself drawn to someone else. Started out innocently with a friend at work, after a few months broke it off and tried to focus on my marriage. I told him I was unhappy and wanted to work on things. He said he was fine and it was my problem. I started seeing a therapist (he refused) and the best thing he said to me that made sense was that I was basically in the desert starved of water and this other person was that drink of water. That’s when I understood that just pushing away my needs in a relationship wasn’t good for me. After months of turmoil things took a turn for the better after hitting pretty much rock bottom. A few years later we are back to the same things. Except months ago I started having an affair, something that really conflicts me. It feels like everything I ever wanted with someone, the emotional connection is strong and we can laugh and just get along so great. We are both unhappily married but for various reasons don’t want to just end things (I know this can’t just go on). I don’t like being this person but I am afraid after doing this a second time I am just truly unhappy and lacking a lot in my marriage. I know I ultimately have control over what I do and that’s where the guilt can get overwhelming. I don’t like being a deceitful person but I feel like this other person basically showed me I can be and do deserve to be happy. My parents rather see me try to fix things or work things out but I just feel so empty inside at this point. He talks to me and the kids so different than anyone else. It blows my mind. His tone is so harsh but when others are around besides his family he laughs and talks totally different. I know I have faults too. When I feel hurt badly I just turn off and put up a wall and I know that doesn’t help.
I don’t want to look back years from now and feel like I missed out on life because I only stayed home while he worked and never did things I wanted to do. I don’t want to feel like I missed out on a possibly great relationship with someone out there because I was afraid to take that chance. But more so, I am terrified of knowing that to get what I want or need will have to come at the expense of someone else. I hate hurting anyone and that is ultimately the reason I never left yet. I am afraid of regretting something down the road and the fear of regret and hurting someone else including my kids has be just in limbo.
Oh my! Where to start?
I can hear how much you want to avoid hurting anyone. But you’re already hurting someone. You’re hurting you. You’re someone.
You said you’re terrified that getting what you want or need will come at the expense of someone else. Does that mean that you will put off your own wants or needs indefinitely, maybe even forever? As you’ve already found out, that doesn’t tend to work very well.
I’m not suggesting that you should only consider your own interests and forget about everyone else. But to think you can ignore your own interests completely is not realistic. It also doesn’t lead to a very happy life.
You mentioned several times that you are afraid of doing something (or not doing something) you will regret. You’re afraid that you will hurt someone else, including your kids. It sounds like you’re living your whole life from a place of fear. It’s hard to be happy when you’re living in fear.
What if, instead of focusing on what you DON’T want and what you might lose if you take action, you try focusing on what you DO want? What kind of life do you want? Can you see it? Can you feel it? What is standing in your way? Finally, what are you willing to do to get the life you want? Are you willing to face your fears? If not, you’ll never move forward.
I know all this is scary. But until you get honest with yourself, and you understand what you want and what’s holding you back, you will probably not be able to break through and get yourself out of limbo. (Sorry!) And, just so you know, limbo has no time limit. You can stay there for years … even decades. Keeping that in mind may give you the motivation you need to sort this out for yourself.
Hope this helps!
Karen
PS Another thing that might help is attending the Decision Day Retreat. It’s specifically designed to help get you out of limbo so that you can move forward with your life – whether that means by making your marriage better, or getting a divorce. You can check it out HERE.
Thank you so much for your insight. Living my life out of fear is absolutely what I have been doing and the best way to describe it. Fear and self-doubt is what holds me back and makes me think twice and of course my kids who would be affected as well. I thought a lot about what you said, on focusing on the life I do want. And I can see it, feel it and picture it. But what is standing in my way is taking that step and having the confidence in myself to know that even if things don’t pan out the way I picture it I will still have a happy life. I know I will have to face these fears and I am working on that. Everyday I am trying to focus a little more on me and what makes me happy and my kids and trying to more of that to get started in the right direction especially mentally. I have lived so long focused on not ruffling feathers and doing what someone else wants of me that I believe it will take me some time to get there. I also realized that what makes him happy is working, but that doesn’t make me happy and I need to start doing more of that for me. I am working on the things I can change now and will hopefully make me into a stronger more confident person that can rely on myself for my happiness and work towards that life that I want and those steps it takes to get there. I don’t think I want to rush into life changes just yet with my kids but sometimes I feel like they get worn down with the negativity as well that I think they might get it if I do want out. I understand now that all the times I didn’t speak up for myself I basically told him I am ok with this life, living and being treated this way. And now I am working on doing what I can control to make that better to eventually move forward. Thank you again.
You’re welcome! It sounds like you’re going in the right direction! Just remember to be patient with everything – including yourself! Slow and steady wins the race.
I wish you the best.
Karen
I am at a loss and feeling stuck in my life. I have been married for 28 years to my high school sweetheart and we have 3 children. I recently discovered my husband cheated on me. He sings in a band and she was a regular at his shows. I suspected my husband has cheated with other band “groupies” and even confronted him when our kids were little. He denied it then, but came clean after getting caught this time. He claims there have only been 2 women in 28 years, but I don’t believe him. The first one lasted 9 months and even continued after I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. He had unprotected sex with her and then me while I was pregnant. He tried to pressure me into having an abortion because he told this woman we never had sex and he was afraid she would break up with him when she found out, which she did. I could not imagine why was he was behaving that way. I thought he was worried about finances. If I had I known the truth, I wouldn’t still be here. I almost left him then when he said that to me and had planned to take our boys move out of state to live with my sister while he was at work, but I got cold feet and stayed, because I didn’t have any proof he was cheating. Life went on, he adored his new baby girl. I thought we had a good marriage, we are great friends, we rarely argue, we support one another in all we do, we are the couple everyone believes has the perfect marriage. This makes me physically ill. I feel like my entire life was a lie. I am so angry that he hid the truth 17 years ago when I confronted him, because I wasn’t allowed to make an informed decision. Each time he cheats he claims it’s because he’s not getting enough attention from me. He never helped me with the kids or the house and we had 2 little boys and a baby on the way that first time and I worked full time. I was lucky if I had time to shower. This time he cheated, I had resigned from my job and am in graduate school full time in an incredibly challenging allied health program at a top university. I have a 2 hour commute each way 5 days a week and an average of 8-10 hours of studying a night 7 days a week. We sat down and discussed the time commitment before I accepted my spot in the program. This new degree would be a mean new big paycheck for us and will help our kids with college expenses He was very on board and encouraging, then 1 year into the program, he turned around and blamed my school hours for why he cheated. But what’s worse, and this is my biggest boiling point, 8 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 3C colon cancer with about a 60% chance of survival and I beat it. After going through that Hell you can cheat on me again? I’m angry that he barely took any time off at all to be with me during my treatments. He said it made him nervous watching me go through that, so I always said I was fine to go alone. I endured 8 months of chemotherapy and he came with me once. Then I find out he took off 2 vacation days to sleep with his newest fling (Lied to his family’s face, bye I’m off to work now, see you at 4pm). I’m struggling to get past this. That is the lowest blow I can imagine. He has really tried to show me that he wants to save our marriage. He called her immediately and broke it off and said he was relieved. He quit both of his bands ( to rid himself of the source of affair partners, his words), he is being transparent with his cell phone, and he even bought me a brand new engagement ring. He has helped me more around the house the past few months than in the 28 years total. He is trying, and I appreciate that, but I feel like asking for 3rd chance is just too much. He claims he has learned so much from the experience and that he NOW realizes he has everything he needs right in front of him. 28 years of this nonsense and now he gets it? I’m scared to admit this, but I just don’t think I love him anymore. Counseling is just making me more upset. The recurrent theme is that I need to move past his “mistakes” and that our marriage can actually benefit from his infidelity. He buys into this 100%, (why wouldn’t he), but I am left feeling like I was duped into believing I had a faithful husband and he is allowed to make these kind of mistakes because he is a guy after all . He criticized other people all the time for cheating, hypocrite. Everything he says annoys me, like; he understands now why he did what he did, how much he hurt me, he understands now that he wants to be married forever and can’t wait to be grandparents one day. I feel like I just wasted the last 28 years of my life. I dream everyday what it would be like to find an apartment, meet some new people, have sex with a new guy. Then I remember my son telling me a few years ago how happy he was that his parents are still married, he feels bad for friends who have to live in 2 different places, I hear them talk about sports, I hear them laugh, and I feel awful. I know I would be the reason for changing all of that. My kids have lived through enough worrying they could lose their mom to cancer, how could I split up their family? I deeply resent the man I’m married to and don’t know if that will ever change. I feel like there’s a chance for me to still go have a happy life, one that doesn’t include him. He’s sure that we are destined to be married forever, I can barely face him anymore. I feel sick sleeping next to him at night. It honestly feels like torture. Can this marriage possible be saved?
Can your marriage be saved? Step number one is figuring out whether you want it to be saved. (And being honest with yourself – without judgment!)
Here’s what I know from what you wrote. You can’t let go of his cheating. You feel like you’ve been wronged, and he’s never been made to pay for those wrongs. He hasn’t made it up to you. So when your counselor tells you that you need to “move past his mistakes,” it just pours salt into your wounds.
Here’s the truth you may not want to hear: if you want to save your marriage, you will have to let his cheating go. (Sorry!) But, you’re not ready to do that yet … and that’s okay! Plus, it doesn’t sound like he gave you the deep, real, heartfelt apology you were looking for. All he said to you was that he cheated because you weren’t around. THAT is not an apology! That’s a part of why you feel so angry.
Ok, here’s more bad news. (Sorry!) If you don’t deal with your feelings now, your marriage WILL be doomed! (Again, sorry!) The more you bottle up your emotions, or pretend you’re okay when you’re not, the more you are going to resent him. The more you resent him, the harder it will be to live with him. And, if you do divorce, the more you resent him the uglier your divorce is likely to be. (Let me just give you a blanket “I’m sorry for all of this so I don’t have to keep typing it!)
So there are a lot of good reasons to start dealing with your anger and resentment now. If you can do that with your current marriage counselor, great! Do it. If you can do it yourself without the counselor, that’s fine too. (Although, having a professional guide your conversation can help it from going off the rails.) If your current counselor doesn’t think that’s necessary, FIND A NEW COUNSELOR! (Of course, if multiple counselors tell you the same thing, it’s worth listening!)
The bottom line is this: you’re angry and hurt. You have to deal with those emotions. If you don’t, they’ll poison your marriage. (They’ll also poison your own happiness too!) Of course, even if you do deal with them, things may have gone too far in your marriage. It may not recover … or it may. That’s the part that you need to figure out.
You will.
Best,
Karen
I am definitely in limbo with my marriage. Over the years, I felt dismissed emotionally and didn’t feel like a priority. Nothing traumatic happened in our marriage, such as infidelity or abuse, but I did detach from him. All of the little things eventually piled up and put me in to a state of depression. Through this process, I have also come to realize a lot of his happiness and confidence were very dependent on me.
I have done a lot of introspection, have been going to personal therapy and even tried marriage counseling. He also recently started personal therapy to work on his challenges. He wants to make the marriage work. I, however, am on the fence. I do not want to be physically intimate with him…I do not even want to kiss him. I have felt like that for years. This makes him feel very rejected and I fully understand why. I can’t stop daydreaming about exploring the possibilities with other people, so I know that desire in me is not dead.
I feel so guilty most of the time. Here is this guy who really loves me and is willing to work on things, but I just can’t get my feelings to come back. I wonder if I am working hard enough to make it work. But then again, he is not fully understanding of how he made me feel through the years. He thinks all of the things I pointed out were “little things” and that “other couples go through much worse and are fine”. He also seems to think I’m going through a midlife crisis. He makes me question myself a lot and if my feelings are valid.
More so than not these days, I am wanting to leave and explore a new life on my own. I get excited about having my own place and exploring new relationships. I have felt passion missing from my life for years. We don’t have kids and I am able to support myself, so that is not such a worry. I think I fear more that I am going to have regret.
I have a question for you. When you’re on your deathbed and looking back at your life, which would you regret more: that you got divorced and left a man who loved you, or that you didn’t get divorced and stayed married to someone you no longer loved?
The decision to divorce is hard. It’s intensely personal. There also are no “right” answers. What may be right for you may be wrong for someone else. In the end, then, what matters is that you’re true to yourself. Even if you make a mistake, you need to be true to yourself.
The biggest trick is finding out what being “true to yourself” means. Understanding (and admitting) what you really want is hard. Divorce isn’t easy. Staying in a loveless marriage isn’t easy. There is nothing easy about any of this.
You’re also not the only one who is having trouble making this kind of a decision. So many people are in your situation that I have created a “Decision Day Retreat” that is specifically designed to help people decide what they should do in their marriage and their life. If you’re interested, check it out. It has helped a lot of people come to terms with what they really want and create a plan for moving forward in the direction of their dreams.
The truth is that, in the end, the only one who can decide what to do with your life is you. The answers lie within.
Karen
Ri, you sound a lot like my wife. We’ve been on the rocks for a year and separation is very much on the table: she hasn’t used the D word but that might be just to spare my feelings. However, since she’s the one that wants out I’m letting her take the lead and so far she hasn’t done anything to move the separation forward … but that’s neither here nor there.
I wanted to chime in on the so-called mid-life crisis. This could very well be a factor here. I see it in my wife, though she’s already said it wasn’t way back when it all started, but I’m more convinced than ever that that’s what’s going on. Don’t get caught up in the term “mid-life crisis” … it’s a loaded term with a lot of cultural baggage. Better language would be a mid-life recalibration. Or better, finding your purpose in life. Because ultimately that’s what it all boils down to. What is your purpose in life and are you acting toward fulfilling that purpose? What is your passion? You say yourself it’s missing. I encourage you to do some googling on the term and see if the symptoms fit you.
You can’t will your love back for your husband. What you can do it get yourself right and try and avoid any destructive decisions. Without kids and you being able to support yourself, a controlled, rule-based, trial separation seems the right prescription. Take half a year for you. If your husband has the courage, he’ll let you go. And frankly if he didn’t, it would just push you away more. It’s his only play to get you back, honestly.
I have been reading everyone’s stories the last couple days and finally worked up the courage to tell mine. I’m 45 and husband is 46. We’ve been married 26 years, together for 29. We were high school sweethearts and my husband is the only man I have ever been with. Our marriage has had more than it’s share of ups and downs. I just came to the realization that my husband is verbally and mentally abusive towards me. He calls me horrible names when he is upset, does rude hand gestures in front of our children (20 &17) and even in public. I am accused of cheating on him DAILY. He has shamed me for my weight in the past which caused me to suffer from both anorexia and bulimia (Im 5’4″ and weigh 150 lbs…I’m not a BIG girl). I just found out 6 years ago that he is addicted to porn (his own admission) and through all of that I have stayed….I’ve stayed to try and work it out for my boys. I used to beg him to go to counseling, he wouldn’t go. Recently we had a falling out. I can’t get over the things he has done and said to me in the past. He talked me into going to marriage counseling with him as a last ditch effort to fix our marriage. I don’t think it is helping. I moved out a month ago, (my 17 yr old son decided to stay with Dad at the house…which is KILLING me) and although he is “changing” I’m not sure it’s enough…I don’t know what to do. Please help guide me..
Oh my! Where to start?
First of all, if you don’t already have a counselor or therapist, I STRONGLY suggest getting one. Marriage counseling is fine, but individual therapy will help you sort out your own feelings, and what YOU want from this marriage. A therapist can also give you the support you need to get through everything you’re facing right now.
I can understand how hard it must be to have moved out of the house without your son. What’s important right now is that you do everything you can to maintain a good relationship with your son. Make sure you see him regularly. Stay as much a part of his life as you can. Just because you’re out of the house doesn’t mean you have to be out of his life.
As for your marriage, only you can decide whether your husband’s “changes” are enough to make you want to give your marriage one more try. (Just so you know, the “point of no return” in a relationship is a real thing. If you’re past it, then it may be that you can’t go back.)
Meanwhile, as you try to figure things out, I encourage you to take your time and to be kind to yourself. It sounds like your husband has judged you a lot in the past. My guess is that you’ve also judged yourself a lot, too. While you can’t change what your husband does, you can change what you do. So, do your best to start listening to your heart, and trusting that you are a wonderful, capable and loving person who will come to the right decision. No matter what that decision is, try not to heap blame on yourself for being in this position or for deciding whatever you decide.
You’re going to get through this! Hang in there.
Best,
Karen
My husband and I have been married 6yrs and we have two children together. Our relationship started in March and moved quickly, we were married by November the same yr because he and his mother decided to take his ex-wife to court and since we were living together it looked bad not to be married. Our entire marriage has been a custody battle between he, his ex-wife and his mother. Through the yrs I’ve learned he has a serious problem with lying. He lies about everything, I’ve discovered he has a pornography addiction. When I discovered that he lied and said he would never look at that and I should feel bad for accusing him. He’s told me if I lost weight he would be more attracted to me, he still denied he ever said that. He doesn’t show any interest in me aside from sex, and even that is just quick and to the point and then to sleep. We fight every single day. He told me he’s surprised I’m still here after everything he’s put me through. I don’t love him like I use to before we got married. Sometimes I doubt it was ever love at all and not just infatuation and doing what I was told. I want a divorce but I’m afraid to step out on my own. His mother is very vindictive and has a problem with wanting control and he’s afraid to make her angry so he does whatever she says. I just don’t know what to do. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t for a lack of a better way to put it. He says he wants to work on this marriage together but Everytime I try he always quits and goes right back to his old ways. I’m tired of being the only one making changes and the only one trying and being lied to all the time.
Oh my! It sounds like you’re married to 2 people: your husband and his mother!
I can understand that you’re afraid to get divorced. Getting past that will start by getting yourself strong enough to believe that you can survive on your own. So, how to do that?
If you don’t have a therapist already, it will help you to get one. I also encourage you to do as much personal development work as you can. Attend a Tony Robbins seminar. Check out some of these books: You are a Badass by Jen Sincero; Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis, or Tapping the Power Within: A Path to Self-Empowerment for Women by Iyanla Vanzant.
The bottom line is that the more you work on yourself, the stronger you will become. The stronger you become, the more you will KNOW what you need to do, AND have the power to do it.
I wish you the best.
Karen
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have 2 children together and his oldest daughter full time (who I have raised since she was 1 and her bio-mom is out of the picture almost). He’s cheated on me in the past (multiple times I’ve been told, but only know for sure about one) and recently I have found out that he had a 2 year affair with someone else.. He left me for her and then she did not want to be with him anymore and he had a realization that he wants his family back. I have no emotions for him right now… I LOVE him, I always will but I found out about the affair 4 months ago and I can’t seem to let him back into my heart at all. I can’t bear the thought of splitting up the kids and losing my time with them and losing my stepdaughter who is my daughter in every aspect of the word. It hurts me so bad to think that I may hurt the little people I love so much by getting a divorce. But this isn’t the first time he’s had an affair and i can’t ever see myself trusting my heart with him again. I’ve brought up couple’s counseling but I want him to take the initiative to set it up and he hasn’t. He said he’s a changed man and he’ll never put me or anyone else through this ever again. I don’t want to fall vulnerable to his words only to get hurt again in years, or even months. All I can think about are the kids (9, 6, 2 years old)
My heart goes out to you! I can hear how torn you are about hurting your kids. At the same time, I can totally understand why you can’t trust this man.
First of all, just so you know, it IS possible for a marriage to recover from infidelity. BUT it takes an enormous amount of commitment and work from both partners. So, if you did want to go down that road, it’s at least theoretically possible. That having been said, though, doing that is HARD. It doesn’t work for everyone, and it won’t work for any couple who isn’t willing to put in a LOT of time and a LOT of work. (… and that means BOTH people have to put in the time and work.)
As for wanting HIM to be the one to initiate couples counseling, I get why you would want that. You want him to prove to you that he really wants to do it. BUT (and this is a BIG but) what you probably don’t realize is that by waiting for him to do what you want, you’re totally giving away your own power.
If you want to give marriage counseling a shot, then OWN that and go get a marriage counselor. If his infidelity was a deal-breaker in your marriage, and if you won’t ever be able to trust him again, then OWN that and forget about marriage counseling. If you’re not sure what you want, that’s fair. The best thing to do then is to get your own therapist and start working on your own emotions and desires. But expecting him to “prove” he’s changed only sets you up for pain. He’s already proven who he is. (Sorry!)
I don’t mean to be harsh. I know all of this is incredibly painful. That’s why I suggest you get a therapist for yourself asap. You’ve got a lot to work through.
I also suggest that you start exploring what a divorce would involve, and how it would work. Learn about divorce. (Check out the Divorce Road Map Program. It will give you a ton of information at a very reasonable price.) I know that even thinking of divorce right now is probably overwhelming. But remember, knowledge is power. KNOWING what you may be facing will put you in a much stronger and more secure position than just closing your eyes and hoping for the best.
Finally, because your oldest daughter is not biologically yours, your situation can get tricky. I strongly suggest you talk to a good divorce lawyer in your area so that you can understand what your options are regarding your daughter.
I wish I had better things to tell you. I know this is hard. Hang in there. But, do yourself a favor, DO something! Get help! Start learning! Explore your options! You’ll be glad you did.
You can do this!
Best,
Karen
Hi, I’ve been married for 11 years, and we have twin two-year-olds. There were red flags in the beginning of the marriage and even before the marriage. She questioned me worrying that I was sexually harming our niece and nephew with no evidence, and admitted that she has issues with this. She also worried if I was gay with no evidence of this. She has many good qualities and I married her I think partly I was afraid to be alone. I loved her but was not crazy in love with her. She said we have never had this great love that she wished she had, and I agree with her. There have been no affairs, addictions, or abuse. During the course of our marriage there really was not a honeymoon period, lots of arguing and just not a lot of closeness. We’ve had some good times but they’ve been minimal. We are both to blame for this: I could’ve listened better and she could’ve respected me better among other things. She has said some very damaging things like: I wished you’d have an affair so we could get divorced, marrying you is the worst decision I’ve ever made, I hate your guts, etc. She said that she thinks the majority of our problems are my fault, but not totally. Recently I started having strong feelings for someone else and this changed my perception of things. It made me realize how much I needed that feeling in my marriage and wasn’t getting it. I actually tried to further things in this relationship to see where it went. She is newly married and she flirted with me, but I could tell she didn’t want to go any further, so I stopped, and I’ve been trying to avoid her. We are now in marriage counseling and we will also be seeing our marriage counselor individually for counseling. I want things to get better, but there’s a part of me that wants to be done and move on. I’d like to have a fresh start and improve myself and give my best to someone else, even though I know I should do that for my wife, I simply don’t want to currently. There’s just a small part of me that is resisting things getting better, and I hope this goes away. I have wrestled every day for months if I should get a divorce. People tell me that feelings can come back but I really doubt that inside. Thanks.
I can hear how much you’re going back and forth in your head. I also know that trying to put your marriage back together, especially after your wife has said all those hateful things, is hard. But here are a few things to think about.
#1) You have kids.
From what you’ve said, your wife has not respected you in many ways. I can see that. What’s worse than that, though, is that you will divorce the same person you married. Human behavior is consistent. That means that your wife’s behavior toward you will probably be the same (or worse) after your divorce as it is now.
How is that going to affect your kids? How is it going to affect your relationship with your kids?
Before you dive into divorce, you might want to think about that.
#2) I know your marriage has been rocky from the start. I can completely understand why having a fresh start would be so appealing. At the same time, the one person you are guaranteed to take with you into your next relationship is yourself. If you’re going to work on yourself, do it now. If you want to give your best to someone, try giving it to your wife right now. Will that work? Will she change? Will your relationship get better? I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that YOU will feel better in the long run. (I know you’re probably disagreeing with me right now. Keep reading.)
What happens if you give your wife your best and she throws your best back in your face? What if she stomps all over your heart and disrespects you even more? If those things happen, you’ll feel bad – really bad. But, at the same time, you’ll know you tried. You’ll know you gave your marriage your all. That will make you feel good about yourself. What’s more, this whole process will help you learn and grow. YOU will change. The change in you may spark a change in your wife. If so, and you can get your marriage back on track, great! But if not, you will then be able to bring a better version of yourself into your next relationship. That will increase the odds that in that relationship you will be able to find the love that you’re really looking for.
Hope this helps (and makes sense).
Karen
I have been married for over 10 years and we have a 6 year old that we both love more than anything. We are financially stable, no problems with substance abuse, and no forms of mental or physical abuse. To the outside world everything appears great, but it isn’t.
To put it simply, I can’t bring myself to feel much of anything towards my spouse. We have very little in common and my decision to separate from the religion we were both raised in has caused a huge rift.
Every time I think we can make it work I’m slapped in the face by fact that my spouse believes in what I (and most any rational adult) consider utter nonsense.
We would both probably be happier separated, but there are major obstacles. First, divorce would mean I losing all my family. They would absolutely blame me and probably not speak to me again. Second, I’m not sure my spouse could make it on her own. She is educated and employed, but has an astonishing lack of common sense. I fear she will be taken advantage of, a fear that literally keeps me up at night. Lastly, I don’t think I can survive longterm separated from my child. My employment requires a lot of travel and somewhat frequent relocation, so it is unlikely I would even live in the same state as my child. Also, I’m pained at the idea of separating my child from her mother, even for short periods of time.
Everyday it gets a little harder and I can see what it is doing to my spouse, and despite the utter lack of love, I still very much care about her happiness and wellbeing.
Doing nothing feels simultaneously like the worst option and the only option.
Oh my! I can hear how unhappy you are.
I can understand your predicament. However, I want to challenge one of the assumptions you’ve made – the one about options. There is never only one option.
Doing nothing is not your only option. You could go to marriage counseling. You could work on your marriage in a couples retreat, or workshop. You could leave. You could get a divorce. You could try a trial separation. You could change some of your beliefs so that your marriage would be more tolerable.
In short, you have MANY options.
Now, they’re not all GOOD options. I’m sure many of them sound horrible. The point is, if you believe you have no options, you will see no options. BUT if you believe you have options, and you start actively looking for options, you may be amazed at what you find!
Finally, I can understand that you have many obstacles standing in your way. But doing nothing will eventually suck the life out of you. Doing “nothing” is really doing “something.”
Unfortunately, I can’t solve this problem for you. But you sound like a smart and educated man. I believe that, if you put your mind to it, and you focus on finding a solution, you will. It may take a little time. But you can find a way to do more than “nothing” and still not lose yourself, as well as everything you love.
Best,
Karen
Ms. Covy,
I’m 17 years old and my parent’s relationship has been unstable since the beginning. From the time I was born my dad cheated on my mom and has been physically abusive towards her. He likes to be in control/dominant in every single thing he does. He has multiple DUIs. He is quick to anger. He’s verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. He keeps my mom financially captive as well. He threatens her that if she got a divorce, he would drain all the money into attorneys. He’s also told my brother and I, he won’t pay for college (my brother is 19). My mom feels that it is her duty to stay married so we aren’t poor, she is also very scared of the unknown. But this family unit is in shambles. We just had to call the police on my dad for hitting my brother, and this isn’t the first time. He’s called me names and said he doesn’t love me. But my mom is scared, almost like Stockholm Syndrome, and she needs clarity. I’ve tried for years to get her to see the evil nature of this relationship, which she acknowledges, but she thinks the greater evil is what lies beyond. I have no doubt in my mind that as soon as we get away from my father there would be nothing better. I just need to get my mom to be able to see that.
Oh my! I am so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through.
I can tell how much you want your mom to leave your dad. Unfortunately, the ONLY person you can control is yourself. You can’t MAKE your mom do anything. (You’ve probably figured that out already, though.)
I encourage you to get help. This is way too much for you to try to deal with on your own, no matter how strong and smart you are. (… 0and you strike me as being both!)
If you’re ever in danger, call the police! If you want help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Find domestic violence shelters or organizations in your area. Call them and see if you can get help from them. I would suggest that you talk to your counselor at school, but with all the schools closed right now, that might not be your best option. But definitely contact any domestic violence organization you can.
Finally, remember that your number one priority has got to be to stay safe. You can’t help anyone if you’re hurt yourself.
Please, get help.
Karen
Hi there.
Where to start? I’m 27 years old and my husband is 26. We’ve been married for just over 8 months. He’s a good guy and he’s working hard to become a better partner. He has a lot of hope for our relationship and doesn’t want it to end. Sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad. Yet if we hadn’t gotten married, I would be leaving at this point. Getting married feels like the biggest, true regret I’ve had in my life (so far at least). And still, I know I’ve learned so much from it.
I’ve learned how low my self-esteem is, when I thought it was much improved. I’ve learned how much I defined myself by his emotions, by our relationship. I’ve learned how much I gave and how little I got back, and how that makes me feel so empty now. I’m a highly empathetic person but I can’t bring myself to feel much towards him anymore. My vessel has holes. I’ve learned just how much I wanted to be married, how much that alone was my goal, how much I wanted the safety and security and warmth and acceptance that I never had growing up; I lived in a dysfunctional/toxic household. I’ve learned how attached I get to male figures in my life; my dad died when I was two. I’ve learned how poor my boundaries are and what it means to know and advocate for your needs (if not *how* to actually do that yet). I’ve learned my spouse has a substance abuse problem (that we explained away for years) and an anxiety disorder (that was undiagnosed for years, until it became crippling in graduate school).
I cheated on my spouse from two weeks prior to our wedding (somehow that wasn’t a tip off to me not being ready to get married, we had talked about poly so I just thought…) until about four months after we got married. This “relationship” was one of the first times I’ve ever felt understood by someone else. Accepted yet challenged, someone who can swim in the depths of my soul and doesn’t get stuck in the surface stuff. I realized I was no longer trying to be my best self in my relationship with my spouse; I woke up. Of course cheating was an awful, horrible thing to do and makes this next part so much harder…but at the same time I learned so much about myself from the experience that I don’t regret it. Well, anyways.
I guess you could say I’m indecisive and I *hate* that. I know that doing nothing is doing something. I’m scared I’m running away or not trying hard enough. It feels like it hasn’t been long enough for me to say that I’ve given it my best shot. My partner is trying to change, is getting help for his mental health and has stopped with drugs and alcohol. We’re going to marriage counseling (which sucks so far, by the way, but I’m trying to stick with it). If I left I couldn’t afford to stay in the city where we live. I’d have to move back in with my toxic family. I’d lose his wonderful family. I don’t know if we want the same things out of life, but it’s been so long that our relationship had a “third person” in it, if you will, that it’s hard to tell. It feels like a marriage of convenience, a marriage of roommates, a marriage of codependency, heartbreaking at 8 months.
Yet at the same time he thinks things are getting better and we’ll be stronger in the end. I’m skeptical. I think we have a pretty rickety foundation and who knows how long it will take for things to feel “better.” And once they’re “better,” what will we find? I know that I need to work on my boundaries and I’m doubtful it’s something I can do while still being in a relationship, particularly one with all the other problems we have to work through. I don’t want to lose a close friend and I don’t want to lose my home…but I don’t want to be his wife. I don’t want to be any wife. Shouldn’t I *want* to be a wife? At 8 months? I keep thinking we’ll get to a place where we agree it’s best if we split up…but he keeps thinking we’ll get to a place where I want to be with him again.
When have I done enough? Could we split amicably? How will I be able to fill myself back up when this relationship feels so draining? I want to have faith in commitment, that love will come back around, but…am I just fooling myself? Am I not focusing enough on the good? Am I focusing too much on the relationship and need to focus on myself? Can I focus on myself without the relationship falling apart? Can we build a good home on a rickety foundation? How long will I have to endure this pain before I enjoy my life again? I feel too young to write a sentence like that…
Trying to be patient with myself and not add self-hate for indecision to the list,
MM
So many questions! But, as you said, as rocky as this marriage has been for you, you’ve learned a lot from it.
Let me add a few to your list.
What would you have to see happen in your marriage to know that it has “come back around?”
If you don’t want to be anyone’s wife, why are you staying married? What are you really afraid of losing?
What happens if you get pregnant? (I know you’re probably not planning on that right now … but it happens!)
I wish I could answer some of these questions for you. But, unfortunately, I can’t. They’re deep questions and will take some time and a lot of soul-searching to answer. The good news is that you have all of the answers already inside of you. You just have to learn how to get quiet and listen to what’s really going on inside. That takes time, patience, and a (usually) a good therapist.
If you’re not already working with a counselor yourself, I highly recommend doing so. You said you’re in marriage counseling, and that’s great. But having your own counselor, someone you can talk to about all of these issues and all of the questions that are swirling around in your head, can help you immensely.
Meanwhile, you’re asking some really good questions. It may help to start by asking the most fundamental ones first: Do you really want to be married? What kind of a relationship with a man do you want? Do you even WANT to be in a romantic relationship of any kind right now?
Remember, there are no “right” or “wrong” answers to these questions. There are simply your honest answers, and everything else. Honest answers are often hard to find and admit. But they will ultimately move you forward and help you grow. Less-than-honest answers won’t make you feel as uncomfortable, but they won’t get you anywhere.
Finally, I encourage you to be kind to yourself, in addition to being patient. You’ve been through a LOT in less than a year! You’ve got a lot of questions in your head and a lot of things to sort through. You’ll do it. You’ll get there. It’s not that you’re necessarily indecisive. It’s just that you’ve got a LOT of decisions here to make.
So take your time. Get a therapist. Keep working on yourself.
The one thing I know for sure is this.
Whether this marriage works out or doesn’t, the one person you will ALWAYS be in a relationship with is yourself. Investing time and work into learning and growing will always be a good idea.
I wish you the best.
Karen
I need some hard advice. I’ve been married over a decade, and to be honest i don’t feel like we ever should have gotten married. There are some levels here. I never was in a relationship before her, and the red flags that were there, I missed because I had no experience to see them (despite large blow out fights being a glaring flag I missed). I grew up in an abusive household so I feel like I just took what I could get, and she deals with anxiety and depression so I wanted to help her get past that too.
We have next to nothing in common and our communication has never improved despite us both seeing counselors.
We had a kid not long after because we weren’t careful and he’s getting into his teens. He’s a good kid so I worry about how this would affect him. I also worry about how it would affect her because I know she loves me. I don’t hate her at all but I feel like the love that I have for her is not the same as the love a married couple should have. I also am scared of how this would affect her mental health so I have stayed so she she doesn’t have this added burden on her life to navigate.
People have told me that how she reacts is up to her and i’m not responsible for it, but I struggle bringing myself to subscribe to that mentality. Staying together protects them, but none of us are thriving. And staying together makes me feel more empty.
Have other women expressed interest in me and i felt more excited about those prospects? Yes because there is more in common, but I have been thinking about this across time so it’s never been tied to just one person i’d leave her to be with. I can just see we have irreconcilable differences and would have been better just staying friends forever. Of course that’s near impossible now so I’m not sure what to do.
This is a very vague and general look into my situation, but anything you guide me with would be wonderful. And i’m prepared for any criticism towards me that you have.
Thank you!
Why would I criticize you? It sounds like you’ve done the best you could up to this point. The question is: where do you go from here?
It sounds like you’re staying married for the sake of your wife and son, but you’re not happy and want a divorce. That’s not uncommon. You mentioned you had both seen counselors, but you didn’t say whether you had been to marriage counseling. If not, that might be something to try.
Other than that, this comes down to making a choice. It’s a hard choice. It will have consequences no matter which direction you go. If you stay married, you either have to improve your relationship or continue to feel empty and bad. If you get a divorce your wife might become more depressed and who knows how your son will react. Getting a divorce is no picnic. But it also creates the possibility of having a better, more fulfilling relationship in the future.
I know you probably wish I could tell you what to do. Unfortunately, I can’t. Only you can make this decision.
What I can tell you is that your life is about the decisions you make.
Right now, you probably think you can’t make a decision. That’s why you feel stuck. You think that your indecision is your problem. But the truth is, you ARE making a decision right now. You’re deciding to do nothing. You’re living by default. BECAUSE you don’t feel like you can leave, you’re staying. That’s a decision. (And that’s okay. My point is just to help you realize that making NO decision IS a decision!)
That’s the part that most people miss. They don’t understand that they’re already living the consequences of the decisions they made yesterday.
So, the question is, what are you going to decide you want your tomorrow to be like?
Hope this helps.
Dear Karen,
I’ve been married for 10 yrs, together for 12. He is from another country & sends all his money to his family there. He does no housework and contributes a bare minimum to support our life. I always feel like me & our life together is 2nd best to people who are not even here. He is extremely messy & tells me to get over it. Recently he didn’t talk to me for a week because I asked him to take a pic of me so I could track my recent weight loss. He said he thought I was sending the pic to another man which is ridiculous. We have hopes of retiring to a beach town but he does nothing to plan or save for this. I feel like my future is going to suck because I have to do everything as far as money & planning goes. I want to say that he is a good person but I just cannot take this inequality any more. When I try to discuss it, he says that is how he is and I can take it or leave it he’s never going to change who he is. He also refuses counseling (I have gone myself). Do I stay or do I go?
I wish I could answer your question for you, but it’s not my call to make. The only one who can decide whether you should stay or go is you.
What I’m wondering, though, is why you’re staying? It seems like you’re in a marriage with a man who doesn’t respect you, doesn’t support you financially or emotionally, and isn’t willing to change or work on your marriage. Things have been eating at you for so long that you can’t even say he’s a good person anymore! So, why do you stay? What’s keeping you from leaving? And, what kind of retirement do you think you’re going to have when you’re funding 100% of it and are stuck living with someone 24/7 who you don’t respect anymore either?
Finally, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, it sounds like the only marital assets you have are the ones YOU earned. He sent all his money out of the country. So how long are you going to continue to work to build a marital estate that he will be entitled to take some portion of?
If you love this man, and you’re satisfied with the life you’re living, that’s great. But if you’re not, (and I suspect that you’re not satisfied or you wouldn’t be on this website!) now is the time to start doing some soul searching and information gathering. It’s time to decide what you want to do moving forward.
Hope this helps.
Karen
Btw, I offer decision coaching as a service. If you’re interested, contact me and we’ll talk.
I have been in my relationship for over 13 years and married for ten. We have two wonderful boys. My wife is a wonderful mom and person. She works her tail off. Over the past three years I’ve felt like I’m not appreciated for what I do day in and day out. I work, cook, do the dishes, laundry, clean the house, yard work, and about 95% of all duties at home fall on me. To be honest I feel like I married because I felt like I found a girl that was the “marrying type” and now our relationship has sizzled out. In the past six months I’ve met someone that feels like “true love”, more intense than I’ve ever felt. I feel trapped…. I have a hard time imagining being away from my boys, they are my life but I’m afraid of never giving this person a chance when I’ve never felt this strongly towards anyone on my whole life. My wife is not a bad person, I wish she was. It would make my decision a lot easier.
Oh my! I can hear how you’re struggling! I can tell that you’re a good dad, and you don’t want to break up the family. But you feel like your wife isn’t a romantic partner anymore. That’s hard.
It may also be hard reading what I’m about to write here. So, if you’re not ready for a little “tough love” you may want to hit the back button on your browser right now!
Still here? … okay, here’s the deal.
It sounds like all the juice is gone from your marriage. You’re doing a lot of work around the house and you feel unappreciated for it. I have never met your wife, but I suspect that if I were to talk to her, she would say EXACTLY the same thing. She probably feels that she works her tail off too and that she is unappreciated. I also suspect that your communication with your wife is probably “functional” but not deep. You don’t tell her how you really feel about things. She probably isn’t straight with you either. Your relationship has become demagnetized. There’s no “zip” in it anymore.
Because of that, when you found a new woman (who you don’t have to cook or clean for and with whom you don’t have to raise kids) and who treats you like you’re special and amazing, you fell in love! That’s not surprising. But you might want to ask yourself whether what you’re feeling (which is real right now) will last. You might want to figure out WHY you were looking at other women in the first place. What is missing from your marriage? What do you want? What do you want in your life and in a marriage? And, perhaps most importantly, who ARE you? What are your values and who do you see yourself being?
While those may seem like stupid questions right now, they’re the questions that will help you figure out which decision is right for you.
Here’s the deal. You can leave your marriage for this other woman, but it WILL change your life, and your boys’ lives, forever. If you make that decision without having given your marriage every chance you could to make it work, will you be happy with yourself 10 years from now?
Obviously, if everything works out well with this new woman and the two of you are married and still blissfully in love a decade from now, the answer to that question will probably be “Yes.” But what if everything DOESN’T work out well with that other woman? THEN how will you feel? Sure, right now, when you’re in the throes of new love, you feel like it would be IMPOSSIBLE for this new woman not to be the love of your life forever. But, didn’t you think that way once about your wife too?
The bottom line is that if you’re going to leave your marriage without regrets, then you’re going to need to make sure you’ve done whatever you can to turn the marriage around before you decide to divorce. (Sorry. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear.) I can’t tell from what you’ve written whether you and your wife have tried marriage counseling or not. If you haven’t, I would strongly suggest it. I would also suggest talking to your wife and being HONEST about what’s bothering you and how you feel.
As for the other woman, I hate to say this, but you can’t make a clear decision about your marriage while you’re also involved in a love affair with someone else. (Whether it’s physical or not!) If leaving her to work on your marriage is more than you can bear, so be it. Then that you’ve made your decision.
Whatever you do, I encourage you to be honest with yourself first and foremost. It’s easy to get caught up in love and use that love to gloss over the problems you’re having in your marriage. But if you run away from a problem, you’re very likely to find it again later in another relationship. So, as hard as it is, facing your problems now, and dealing with them, is the only way to move forward in peace.
Finally, if your new love is indeed your true love, she will always be there for you, even while you do the soul-searching you need to figure out what you want.
Hope this helps.
Karen
Just came across this.
I met my husband at 18, got married when I was 19 and he was 23. We have ALWAYS argued A LOT. He has a “Lion” personality and I have a “Golden Retriever” personality. My husband is a tricky one to explain. He loves me TO PIECES. Tells me this allll of the time. But he can be SO MEAN and SO MISERABLE. Not just to me but with his life in general. My side of the family doesn’t like him, his side of the family never knows what mood they’re going to get. He can go from nice husband to mean husband with the snap of a finger. I have cried countless tears, I have never felt so low and so sad and so old in all my life. (I’ll be 32 next month) I’m naturally a VERY happy person, positive, kind, and patient person, I have also allowed myself to be walked over for waaaaay to long. I’m just not happy anymore. We’ve tried everything. Literally everything we do turns into a fight. If I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, act the wrong way, make the wrong comment, suggest something or heaven forbid I give advice…..bc if I do that I’m a feminist. We’ve been to counselling on and off too. But he seems to interpret everything the exact opposite way that I see it.
So here’s my problem, what’s holding me back. After being married for TEN years he was finally ready to start a family with me. We now have the most AMAZING two year old son. Gosh dang I love this kid more then words could ever express. And he loves me and his dad more then anything. My husband loves him to pieces too. How the heck could I do that to our son? Plus, might seem petty but I’ve always wanted lots of kids. If I leave , well, I’m 32, my window is closing and I’ll only ever have 1 child and not be able to give him a sibling. What do I do 🙁
Currently writing this at home, after we dropped my son off at his Oumas so we could stay a night in a hotel for his birthday. Well it’s not happening bc we argued….
Okay, so first I have to just say: 32 is not old! You have your whole life ahead of you! The question is: How do you want to live it? Where do you want to be when you’re 42 or 52?
I totally get it that you want more kids. And I understand about having your window of opportunity close! But having kids is just step #1. RAISING the kids is step #2 – infinity! Do you want to have more children with this guy? What kind of life will you be giving your kids? What will you be teaching your kids?
Kids learn most by example. Your son is only two years old now. What is he learning about how to treat women? What is he learning about how to treat YOU? (Don’t think he won’t learn from his dad!)
How stable is the environment your son is being raised in? How happy and healthy and well-adjusted do you think HE is going to be if he stays in an environment where his parents are fighting ALL the time?
I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t tell you what’s right for you. I can’t tell you whether you’re happy. But, YOU know the answers to all those questions. (ANd, I might suggest that the very fact that you found this site and wrote what you wrote says a lot!)
You never know what life will bring you. You’re only 32. You have PLENTY of time to have another child even if you get divorced. You might also meet someone who already has a child too, and you can instantly add to your family. You can also adopt. The bottom line is that there are many ways to bring another child into your life if and when you want to. But remember to think about what life will be like FOR THAT CHILD, as well as for your son, if you bring another human being into the environment you currently have.
… just a thought.
Hope it helps.
Karen
I’ve been together with my husband for almost 8 years married for almost 4. For the last 2 and a half years he has lived downstairs away from me and MY kids. There is not any type of emotional, intimate, physical, or intellectual connection between us at all. The house we moved into has become a disaster, I work full time, run all of the kids to activities, clean the house, take care of animals, etc.. I have zero help in anything. He comes home from work and at times doesn’t even speak at all, just stays downstairs by hisself. He is also a drinker and has health issues. I’m extremely unhappy and feel very isolated and alone. I have started to feel like the only reason we got married is because of others pressure around us, grief and loss of loved ones at the time, and a fear of health issues that were occurring for him. I feel that we just did what we both knew would make everyone else happy. I mean he proposed the day after a funeral. We have been friends for a very long time and it now seems like all we have ever had was a friendship and now a marriage that is nothing more than roommates. We both live separate lives and there is not much interaction at all anymore. I care about him very much and don’t want to hurt him as this is his first marriage; my second but it’s not what I want or expect a marriage to be. He’s 53 and I’m 37 and as much as I care about him and do love him, I don’t think we have ever truly been “in love” with each other. How do I tell someone I care about and don’t want to hurt that I want out? I’ve tried several times over the years to say what I feel and ask what was wrong in our relationship but I just get the same thing in response “nothing is wrong everything is fine”and it’s so obvious it’s not. I’m stuck because I do care but don’t want to hurt him, I feel like I’m suffocating but don’t know how to say the words. Is leaving a letter (like I’ve done for years about my feelings) the wrong way to say what I feel about this? I’ve always been better at putting my feelings and thoughts into writing because I get so emotional when trying to verbalize and then lose track of what I’m trying to say. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am stuck and don’t know what to do and feel like I am falling apart.
Oh my! Where to start?
I can tell you’ve been thinking about this a lot and are really struggling. You don’t want to hurt your husband, but right now it seems that you’re hurting yourself.
So, how do you tell your husband you want a divorce? The answer is: openly, honestly and with compassion. Unfortunately, though “leaving a letter” is not your best option.
I can appreciate that writing what you feel in a letter gives you the chance to express yourself more fully. But telling your husband you want a divorce by leaving him a letter is NOT the way to start your divorce off on the right foot! What you can do is to write out what you feel and use your letter as a guide when you have a conversation with him about your feelings. (There’s nothing to say you can’t use notes when you talk with your spouse!) But you really need to convey this information in a face-to-face conversation.
Before you say anything, though, you have to make sure you’re ready to move forward with your divorce. That’s a big step. You want to be as prepared as you can be so that once you start your divorce process you can move through it as smoothly as possible.
If you want more specific ideas about how to tell your spouse you want a divorce CLICK THIS LINK. I wrote a whole article on this that might help you.
Best,
Karen
I just came across your article. I wanted to provide my experience, after having many of the struggles on whether to divorce or not to divorce for folks as well.
I know others are in similar situations, and I’ll try an boil my situation down which is pretty complex:
– My husband and I are gay (presents problems in of itself during a divorce)
– I have a very small family. He has a large family that I have been close to/a part of since 1999.
– We did our “marriage” in 2005 (non-legal), State Civil Union (state legal) in 2011, Federal Marriage in 2015. Have 2 adopted kids from birth.
– I have made a great career, senior executive engineer in finance. He owns to advertising agencies. We both did well. I was upfront about finances. He was not. He spent every dollar on frivolous purchases.
– He started the abuse after our second son was born in 2012 (though I slowly have found out how much deceit there was since we started dating in 1999. There has been intense gaslighting.
– I endured a lot of emotional, verbal, financial, physical abuse. A few years ago I began to document everything and journal/photograph all. I had witnesses to many events.
– After final physical altercation in 2020, a good friend/witness called the police. The abuse hotlines and help websites all had a common message….stay safe and leave.
Fast forward to today…
– We are entering year four of the divorce.
– From the start, I have kept to myself, shielded the kids, and told every lawyer/professional I just wanted it over.
– The minute I asked for divorce, his family, all having been witness, cut me off immediately. It was as if people I loved for so long were all on a plane that crashed.
– He has fought everything, introducing the most expensive mediators, GALs, evaluators, coordinators. I said in Illinois most likely it will be 50/50. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone and we both cared for the kids. His goal (during a pre-separation session demeaning me) was if I ever left he would destroy me.
– The court professionals took every bit of savings I had stored. They ignored the piles of documents, evidence, journals. There were errors in the evaluators reports. They took every story of his as gospel truth, leaving me to defend against lies, while ignoring issues of he being caught with drugs and turned into DCFS by his friends.
– I asked for finances to be frozen from the start. Never happened. I have bought essentials only, and am in the family home. I pay all mortgage/utilities/maintenance alone. In our initial temporary parenting order, there is a clause that he could get anything from the home. He purchased everything new (clothes/furniture/towels/kids stuff), again just wasting money.
– I have taken a single spring break trip to Florida with the kids. He has been to Key West with friends, the Grammy’s twice, Vegas, NYC, etc.
– He has donated large sums of money. In the little discovery received, he has had his company pay for escorts, his living expenses, his healthcare. He has had random distributions. His company pays legal fees. It is never claimed being an scorp.
– I was laid off this year, and have struggled to find employment. No healthcare, failing health. Career that I worked so hard for gone.
– I am convinced the judge only knows my name, since we are never asked anything directly.
– He is slowly alienating the kids (he has alienated many friends already, and he is a salesman and liar and knows how to do it). While his company pays bills, every dollar I had saved through hard work is just gone because of these “court professionals”. 50% of the time is mine with the kids, and the house which is a status symbol to him, and for me, something to show the kids if you work hard you can achieve things.
– Today, I find out the judge is now wanting to sell the house, per spouse’s request. He is also wanting me to pay spousal support, convinced by lies that I made multiples of what I actually did years ago. Again, no evidence, only stories. I have combed through the paperwork to see he makes almost five times the amount I ever knew he made, and again, have proof.
I wanted to highlight some of the realities of divorce (especially from domestic abuse, with kids, and against a highly manipulative person and the family court system). No matter how many times I have asked professionals to make it end, the continue the abuse by draining every dollar from savings, listening to every made up claim he has. The family courts will not protect folks, nor I am learning, follow the low and provide justice. So those in abusive situations, as unfortunate as it is, my advice would be close your eyes and get through it. I thought I was at my lowest point 3 years ago. I was so wrong, and there is no end in site. I’ve seen similar stories as well. Divorce is hard, but after violence, it is made impossible in the courts, and they will finish what your spouse started.
THank you for sharing your story. You’ve obviously been through a lot. I’m sorry to hear about all this. I wish I had words that could make it better. But, the truth is, I don’t. I’m sorry.
It’s actually not the bottom line if there are 1000939374)4 more lines until the end.